Half Jokes
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What do you call a half elephant, half rhinoceros?
An abomination.
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Why is your blow up doll half deflated?
She was getting a little heavy.."
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How can you tell if the kid that stole your bike is half black and half polish?
He's running down the street with the bike under his arm.
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What do you call a half-length lightsabre?
A slightsabre
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What do you call a half native pirate?
Metis
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Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle?
He always gets stuck on across.
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Which country's currency weighs as much as it's worth?
Australia. Because five $0.20 coins are about half a pound.
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Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?
Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?
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What do you call a half-white and half-Hispanic baby?
A baby.
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What has 50 legs but cant walk ?
Half a centipede !
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Why do Spanish men get half price movie tickets?
They take the senor discount.
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Why did the Priest go to Walmart?
Because the little boys pants were half off.
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How many cats sawed in half does it take to change a lightbulb?
Apparently 10 aren't enough :
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What is so bad about being half black and half asian?
You can steal a car but you can't drive it.
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Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a whole (hole) and you could lose your money.
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How did my operation go Doc?
Dr What Dr Omg I've only got half a colon
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Why can't Zeno seem to pay his bar tab in full?
Answer: Because he kept giving half of what he owes.
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When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?
To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."
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What does a half-dressed Sikh wear on his head?
A subturban!
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What do you do when you see an enemy with half a face?
Reload and shoot again!
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What do you call a half Mexican half Japanese jedi master?
Obi Juan Shinobi
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What has two legs and red all over?
Half a puppy... I'm sorry
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What do you do when you see a half dead native man crawling across your lawn?
Stop laughing and reload
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Why did the kid only water half the lawn?
Because there was a 50% chance of rain
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What do you call an 80lb midget with 40lb testicles?
SFW) Half nuts!
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How much for that dog?
300$" "What about the half " "I'm sorry, we only sell complete dogs."
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Why did the chicken cross the road half way ?
He wanted to lay it on the line !
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What's the difference between Valve and uranium?
Uranium gets to its half-life on time.
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What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?
He was forced to resort to excessive violins.
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How do you know if someone is half texan and half Canadian?
It rhymes when they say. "Keep at eye out for a coyote."
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What does Michael Jackson and j.c. penny have in common?
Little boys pants half off.
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How do you cut the sea in half?
With a seesaw (I'll see myself out)
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What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?
Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.
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How long do owls live?
Six and a half books.
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What does it mean when the Post Office flag is flying at half-staff?
They are hiring.
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What's got two legs, spots and bleeds?
Half a cheetah.
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What do you get when you mate an elephant with a poodle?
A poodle split in half.
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What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!
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Why did the tractor trailer mechanic always have half an erection?
Because he was constantly nursing a semi.
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What do you call a half Irish half Muslim husband?
O'Pressive.
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What do you get for the women who has everything?
A divorce, then she'll only have half of everything.
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What do you call two black guys on a white guy?
half a sack
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Whats the difference between a White lie and a Black lie?
Half to none of the time.
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What do you mean he's your half son?
What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.
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What do you call something that is half horse and half pig?
A mounted police officer
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What is worse than a worm in a cherry?
Half of a worm in half of a cherry.
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What's it called when the bottom half of a fraction has loads of cake in it?
A denom-nom-nominator!
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Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense ?
So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.
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What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
What has two legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat
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What has two legs and can't stand up?
Half a cat
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What's red and has two legs?
Half a cat
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How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Wellup and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
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How do you congratulate the guy who won the best tie contest?
You tell him... "that's definitely a win sir". Or if he did ok you can say you half win sir i suppose. :/
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What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
They both have little boys' jeans half off.
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What if Lady Gaga was half Irish, half Japanese?
Rady O'Gaga
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Why did the bishop love Walmart?
Coz the boys pants are all half off.
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What do you get when you cross an Aboriginal with a Caucasian?
What do you get when you cross an Aboriginal with a Caucasian? A half decent person.
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How do you get half of Mexico to jump off a cliff?
Throw a penny off. How do you get the other half to jump too? ... Tell them no one found it yet.
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Why did Michael Jackson go to Macy's?
He heard boys' pants were half off.
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How do you get out?
You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole, go through the hole.
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What's worse than finding half a worm in an apple?
Finding a vein in a hot dog.
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What is the quickest way to double your money ?
Fold it in half !
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What has got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!
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What is half the diameter of a radish?
the radiush.
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What did Daredevil say after begrudgingly agreeing with The Punisher's brutally honest opinion that he's just a half-measure?
You're such a Frank Castle."
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What's half of 8?
5. The other half is 3.
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What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
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Why do they put half of the instructions in Spanish?
It drives me crazy. I feel like I am missing out on important information. They should put the whole thing in one language.
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How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.
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How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian?
You switch sides at half time.
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What's half of a tuba?
A oneba.
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What's worst than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm!
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What's black and dosent work?
Half of London
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What's worse than finding a caterpillar in your apple?
Finding half a caterpillar in your apple
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What is the capital of the United States?
Half of what it was last week
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How do you tie two half ducks together?
with ducktape!!
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What do you call the western half of Kenya?
Kenya West
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How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
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Why are you divorcing her?
Me "She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody." J "You get half her stuff." *air guitar solo*
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Why do gangsters save so much money on clothes?
Cause all their pants are half-off
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What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
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What has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
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What is the hardest part of cutting a baby in half with a straight razor?
My erection.
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Why's the necrophiliac's blow up doll half inflated?
So he can pretend she's decomposing.
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What do you call it when two Mexicans were in a car accident and one had both legs amputated?
Juan and a half
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What is the easiest way to make a banana split?
Cut it in half.
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What do you call half a kitten?
Leftovers
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What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
The holocaust.
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What's got two legs and bleed a lot?
half-a-dog!
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How do you call a car designed for midgets?
Half a Romeo. I'll show myself out.
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Whats an Italians favourite part of football?
Half time, they get to switch sides again
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What do you call a frog that jumps half the distance to its destination every time?
An asymptoad.
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What looks like half an apple?
The other half
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What would you do if i won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.
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What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do?
It can look round.
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What do you call a German barber?
Herr Kutz (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)
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Why do skateboarders make lousy plumbers?
Because they only use half pipes.
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What do Wal mart and priests have in common?
They both have boys pants half off. I'm going to hell lol
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Whole Foods "All the cash in a bag NOW!" 100% organic reusable bag ok?
Yes!" puts half the cash I had to charge for the bag
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What would you rather have Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
At least with Parkinson's you have half a pint.
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What is the hardest part of cuting a baby in half with a straight razor?
My erection.
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What's worse than biting an apple and finding a worm?
biting an apple and finding half a worm
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How can a can you double your money?
By folding it in half.
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What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty?
Pessimist Prime
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How many people work at your company?
About half of them.
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What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat
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How was Rome split in half?
With a pair of Caesars...
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What did the Japan team say after the first half of the Women's World Cup?
I, 4-1, know we won't win."
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Why did the half blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well!
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What's got two legs and bleeds?
half a dog Derek, s01e05
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What's the only thing worse than finding a roach in your food?
Finding half of a roach in your food.
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What do you call an interracial dwarf actor?
A half cast
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What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a cat.
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How are black people like Christmas lights?
Half of them don't work and the ones that do aren't that bright
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What's worse than having a screaming child on your hands?
Having half a screaming child on your hands.
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How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Well up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
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What would Paul McCartney say after losing both his legs?
Suddenly....I'm not half the man I used to be....."
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Why should you never trust advice from a group of gryphons?
Half of them are lyin'.
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What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog
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What is the height of honesty?
A: A pregnant lady takes one and a half ticket in the bus Q: What is the height of dishonesty A: She gives birth to twins
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What did Michael Jackson have in common with Target?
Boys clothes half off.
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What do you call half a ginger?
George.
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What do you call an empty bud light can on the side of the road?
A native American artifact. What do you call a HALF-EMPTY bud light can on the side of the road? An extremely rare native American artifact.
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What are you doing with that saw and where's your little brother ?
Young Monster: Hee hee ! He's my half-brother now!
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What has fifty legs but still can't walk?
A: Half a centipede.
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What do you get when you combine an elephant and a poodle?
A dead poodle, split in half.
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What's the average lifespan of an owl?
About six and a half books.
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How long does an owl live?
About six and a half books.
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What's mostly red and has 2 legs?
Half of a cat.
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Why did the chicken cross the road half-way?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
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What do you call a human organ cut in half ?
A human piano.
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Why did the flight from Warsaw to Moscow crash?
There were Poles on the right half of the plane.
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What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?
Finding half a worm in it. And what's worse than that The holocaust
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Why did the door to door sales man get nervous and run away?
He was selling In-Security Heh yeah i dunno i thought it up in a dream and I'm still half asleep bye
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What do Chick-O-Sticks and armadillos have in common?
Every time you see one, it's already been broken in half.
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What has two legs and bleeds?
Half of your dog...I hit it with my car.
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What has got 8 legs and 1 eye?
2 chairs and a half of a fish.
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What do you call a pizza who's a DJ?
DJ Beazza Yes it's a stupid pun, but that's a good 50% of my humor, the other half being sarcasm.