Hand Jokes

  • What's the 6 things that's white on a black guy?

    It's quite easy when you think about it. It's the inside of the hands, inside of the feet, the eyes, the teeth, the nails, and the owner.

  • What happens when you stick your hand into a jar of jelly beans?

    The black ones steal your watch and the yellow ones paint your nails.

  • How do black people tan?

    Holding their hands up

  • What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common?

    Nails in their hands and feet

  • Why can the Cornish always lend a hand?

    They probably have a spare.

  • What did Ray Charles say when they handed him a cheese grater?

    This is the most violent thing I've ever read.

  • Why did the Arabic man ask for her hand in marriage?

    Because she stole his heart

  • What phone etiquette?

    You hand me your phone, you better believe I'ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

  • What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

    On one hand, you have a watch... But on the other hand, you have a watch.

  • What did the russian soldier say when he held his newborn sibling in his hands for the first time?

    You're my brother in arms!"

  • What did the big hairy monster do when he lost a hand?

    He went to the second-hand shop.

  • Why did the man break the clock?

    He wasn't comfortable with having that much time on his hands.

  • Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake ?

    Someone else's !

  • Why do I only see lesbian couples holding hands?

    Aren't their hands clammy enough as it is...

  • How do you know if an Italian person is mute?

    When you see he has no hands.

  • Why can't the T-rex clap its hands?

    Because it's dead.

  • What do you call a man holding two apples in one hand and three oranges in another?

    No chance of blocking an uppercut.

  • What's your favorite clock time?

    Personally, I'd say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.

  • Why should you date a girl who is good with her hands and plays soccer?

    Because she's probably a keeper.

  • Why did the drill sergeant get a dishonorable discharge?

    He couldn't keep his hands off his privates

  • What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?

    A mechanic.

  • How often do lesbian gypsies get their hands read?

    Every 28 days or so.

  • What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?

    He brought it to school and said 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'

  • What u doing later?

    Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

  • What did the cashier say after handing down a wad of currency to Dracula?

    Count Dracula."

  • Why did the cancer patient get smacked?

    His hand was bigger than his face.

  • Why did the T-Rex fail his business project?

    He couldn't make hands meet.

  • How many redditors commenting on a given post does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Not possible. Their hands are too slippery with each other's ejaculate.

  • Why could Don Juan always pick up girls in his car?

    It was electric. Also, the car had a set of hands.

  • Why would 12:00 make the best cop?

    Hands up"

  • When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what?

    We do.

  • What do you give a kid with no hands for Christmas?

    Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift

  • What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Peewee Herman have in common?

    They were both caught with hands in their drawers.

  • What's blue, small and sits in a corner?

    A baby with its hand in the power socket.

  • What do you get if you cross a salmon a bird's leg and a hand ?

    Birdsthigh fish fingers !

  • What's the worst thing to hear during a prostate exam?

    Look! No hands!

  • What's worse than having a screaming child on your hands?

    Having half a screaming child on your hands.

  • What's worse than dropping a scope of ice cream?

    Dropping 2 scoops of ice cream. What's worse than dropping 2 scoops of ice cream? Getting a hand chopped off. What's worse than getting a hand chopped off? Getting both hands chopped off. What's worse than getting both hands chopped off? The Holocaust. What's worse than the Holocaust? Dropping 3 scoops of ice cream.

  • What did the author tell his publisher when he handed him a 600 pages instead of the 200 the publisher had asked for?

    Sorry, I overwrote your order. :-)

  • Why does Jesus hate M&Ms?

    They keep falling through his hands.

  • Why did the guy spend the entire day throwing out his surplus of herbs?

    He had too much thyme on his hands.

  • What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?

    One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.

  • When did Pinocchio learn he was made of wood?

    when his hand caught fire!!

  • Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

    To get to the second-hand shop. I'll show myself out.

  • Why did Timmy fall off the swings?

    Didn't have any hands.. (the real punch line) Knock knock.. Who's there Not Timmy..

  • What did the butcher say when he handed his customer an empty pack of hotdogs on halloween?

    Happy halloweenie

  • What does the torch represent in the hand of the Statue of Liberty?

    The torch is a symbol of her inability to read in the dark.

  • What did the pavement smoother say after he lost his hands?

    I literally can't even."

  • How do you make a snooker table laugh?

    Put your hands in its pockets & tickle its balls.

  • Why are hot dogs the best dogs?

    Because they feed the hand that bites them.

  • What's this?

    Me: A napkin holder K: What's a napkin M: You wipe your hands on it when they're dirty K: You mean like the couch M: ...

  • What do you have when you have two small, green balls in your hand?

    Kermit's undivided

  • What did the hands say to the flour?

    I knead you!"

  • What do you call slapping hands with (5.5+1)/2?

    A high phive! I'll see myself out now.

  • How are you feeling Grandpa?

    Grandpa: Oh you know with my hands mostly.

  • What do you have if you have one fuzzy, green ball in one hand and another fuzzy, green ball in the other hand?

    Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.

  • How do I submit a joke?

    Do I hand my life in

  • What's the worst part about meeting someone with Parkinson's?

    Shaking hands.

  • What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

    I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.

  • Why doesn't Jesus play volleyball?

    All those spikes hurt his hands

  • Why can't you play peek-a-boo with Jesus?

    Because he has holes in his hands

  • What is the best music to air drum to while driving?

    Def Leppard, because you can keep on hand on the wheel.

  • What has two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two noses?

    Two pirates.

  • Why Cant Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

    When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, Marc, with a C. Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

  • What four letter word starts with F ends in K and if you can't get it you have to use your hands or fingers...?

    A fork

  • Why does Helen Keller play piano one-handed?

    She sings with the other hand.

  • What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

    The Army.

  • Why did the blind driver have no hands?

    He was reading road signs at 50 miles per hour

  • Why did it take so long for the postie to deliver the missing jigsaw piece?

    He had a bit of a puzzle in his hands

  • How do you make an Italian deaf?

    Tie their hands behind their back.

  • Why were the bakers hands brown?

    Because he kneeded a poo

  • What did Helen Keller do when she was drowning?

    She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

  • Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?

    Because she used the other to sing

  • What kind of tree fits in your hand?

    A palm tree!

  • What are Asian Tennis Players most well known for?

    The Back Hand

  • What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

    Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."

  • Why didn't the panda use a glove when playing baseball?

    Because he caught everything bear handed!

  • Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles?

    Nail its other hand to the floor.

  • When I was kid, and we'd go sledding on a cold snowy day, Ya know how often I had to rub my hands together to stay warm?


  • What did the frustrated cannibal do?

    Threw his hands up

  • What's the difference between a psychotic mental patient and a man with a bible in his hand?


  • Why does Helen Keller only masterbate with one hand?

    She needs the other to moan.

  • What do you get when you have two balls in your hand?

    A man's undivided attention!

  • Why does Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand?

    Because she uses the other one to sing.

  • How do you guys tweet from the toilet?

    I poop with both hands.

  • What do you get when you hold two green balls tightly in your hand?

    A leprachaun's undivided attention.

  • Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?

    They have no hands to knock on the door.

  • What do two people with Parkinson's disease do when they meet for the first time?

    They shake hands.

  • What do you get when you put your hand in a blender?

    A hand shake.

  • How long did you spend on your cosplay?

    Me: Seven months A: *Hands me a badge marked "Casual"*

  • How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

    Nail its other hand to the floor.

  • What did the frustrated cannibal say?

    Nothing he just threw up his hands.

  • What happened when the lepers played poker?

    One guy threw down his hand and another laughed his head off. This was my best friend's favorite joke when she was little apparently.

  • Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?

    To catch her false teeth.

  • What do hand grenades and wives have in common?

    Remove the ring and your house is gone.

  • How many of you believe in psychokinesis?

    Raise my hand. - Taken from local Chinese joint fortune cookie.

  • Why did the kidnapped clock always read 12:00?

    His hands were tied.

  • What did one hand say to the other?

    Help, I think I'm in glove".

  • What's next, thought crimes?

    CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

  • How did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood?

    His hand caught on fire.

  • Why doesn't Jesus like M&M's?

    Because they fall through his hands.

  • What do you call a man with no hands and a book?

    A read-only man.

  • Why do happy Asians always have dirty hands?

    If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands."

  • What do you call it when the new US president waves his hand?

    A microwave.

  • What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands?

    new gloves for the cold days

  • Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

    The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

  • What do you call a sentinel with three hands?

    A watchman.

  • How do you stop an Italian from talking?

    Tie his hands together

  • How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti?

    Pasta pasta, pasta.

  • What did Jesus say when they un-nailed his hands from the cross?


  • Which hand did Henry VIII use to wipe his bottom with?

    Anne Boleyn's.

  • What did the guy without hands get for christmas?

    We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet

  • Why are Boy Scouts safest when travelling with a senior?

    They'll always have dry wood on hand to start a fire

  • What have I got in my hands?

    A double decker bus! You looked!

  • Who is the easiest to get a high-five from in a war?

    The French. They always have their hands up.

  • How do you cut a turd into 5 pieces?

    Squish it in your hand.

  • What is strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

    The back of my hand...

  • How is a judge like an English teacher?

    They both hand out long sentences.

  • What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?

    I don't know, she hasn't opened it

  • How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace's bath robe?


  • What's a man's idea of a balanced diet?

    Beer in each hand!

  • How do you shut up a deaf person?

    Punch them in the hands.

  • What do you say when someone hands you a nice, ripe blunt in Germany?


  • Why can't an Italian snake talk?

    Because it doesn't have any hands.

  • What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

    I don't know. He still hasn't opened his gifts.

  • What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand?

    Irish handcuffs.

  • Why do politians hate the term "mudslinging"?

    They don't want to get their hands dirty.

  • What is the difference between a woman and a forklift?

    There is none. In both cases, if you don't have one, you unload by hand.

  • How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

    Nail its other hand to the floor.

  • Why couldn't Jesus play marbles?

    Because they kept falling through his hands.

  • Where can a hand refuel its car?

    At a fist pump.

  • What do you call someone from Zimbabwe holding a bottle cap in their hand?

    A trillionaire.

  • Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

    because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

  • What hand do you wipe with?

    Answer: left or right Response: why not use toilet paper

  • Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

    You will lose every hand.

  • Why do you hold your hand flat above your eyes when you look into the distance?

    Because when you would cover your eyes with your hand, you wouldn't see sh*t. I'm lame.

  • Why Did The Man With One Hand Go To The Shopping Centre?

    To go to the second hand shop

  • How cold is it outside?

    It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

  • Whats the most handiest tool ever?

    A Hand!

  • Why can't a hand be 12 inches long?

    Why can't a hand be 12 inches long? BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!

  • What do you have if you have a mothball in one hand, and a mothball in the other hand?

    A: A really big moth!

  • How do you keep a blonde busy?

    Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a page and hand it to her.

  • What's a bicyclists favorite letter?

    A! (hands raised up)

  • What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times?

    Two octopuses shaking hands.

  • What's the most dangerous weapon your wife can get her hands on?

    Your credit card.

  • Where's your wedding ring?

    I said, "I had to wash my hands so I took it off and placed it on my lover--I mean your mother's kitchen counter."

  • Why do herb pickers have so many hobbies?

    They've got a lot of thyme on their hands

  • What has three eyes, three hands, and three legs?

    Two pirates

  • What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?

    I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...

  • What does it mean when a doctor has both hands on your shoulders?

    The Prostate exam isn't going he way you expected

  • What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's arse?

    A mechanic.

  • How did the hipster burn his hand?

    He was into lightbulbs before they were cool.

  • How does Kris Kringle clean his hands?


  • Why was Selena Gomez suspended in elementary school?

    Because she couldn't keep her hands to herself.

  • Why are hands so important?

    You always need them for thumb finger another.

  • How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

    A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

  • Why did the programmer visit the city tour?

    Because they were handing out guides for the deaf.

  • Why do men like golf so much?

    It makes it possible for them to go from hole to hole with an iron in their hands.

  • How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

    A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

  • What did the child with no hands get for his birthday?

    Nobody knows yet.

  • What's the easiest way to pay a musician?

    Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza

  • What's the cruelest curse to wish upon a single guy?

    I wish his hands were made of stone."

  • Why do cannibals hate Pentecostals?

    Because they're always throwing up their hands.

  • What's the difference between Belgian waffles and American waffles?

    Belgium waffles crumble in the hands of German.

  • How do IT technicians prefer to be paid?

    Cache in hand.

  • How many JokeExplainBots does it take to change a lightbulb?

    are easily threaded by one person, with one hand. Doot.

  • What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand?

    hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D ... wait what were YOU THINKING ! ! !

  • How do you mute an Italian?

    Tie up their hands.

  • Why did Steve hate being the youngest clone?

    Because all his genes were hand me downs.

  • Why isn't my hand 12 inches?

    Because then it would be a foot

  • When is an English teacher like a judge?

    When she hands out long sentences.

  • Which playing card can turn its hand to everything?

    Jack of all Spades

  • What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

    Gloves. Just kidding he couldn't open it to find out

  • What do you have when you just used the toilet and realized there's no toilet paper?

    A real mess on your hands.

  • Why do lawyer's suits never have pants pockets?

    Because their hands are always in someone else's!

  • Why do bald men cut holes in there pockets?

    To run their hands through their hair

  • Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?

    Because then it would be a foot..

  • Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?

    Because he didn't feel well.

  • Why don't urologists hand out stickers their patients?

    Because they are always telling them "You're in trouble"

  • How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children?

    You put a guitar in his hands.

  • What do you call a God unfit for the times at hand?

    O Cristor Redundant

  • How do you offend a vegan?

    Cover your ears with your hands

  • Why did Helen Keller mastutbate with one hand?

    So she could moan with the other.

  • What do you get when you stick your hand in a blender?

    a handshake

  • Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?

    God: Uh huge grin cos I'm banging his wife raises hand up top

  • Why doesn't Jesus like M&M's?

    Because they fall through his hands.

  • How are martinis like breasts?

    They are better shaken, not stirred. I usually have one in my hand. One is too few and three are two many.

  • How do you stop a baby from walking in circles?

    Pin its other hand to the ground.

  • How do you shut an Italian up?

    Tie his hands behind his back

  • What does a cannibal do after dumping their girlfriend?

    They wipe, flush, and wash their hands

  • What did the digital clock say to it's Mother?

    Look Ma, no hands!"

  • What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother?

    Look, Ma! No hands!

  • What did Helen Keller say after being handed a cheese grater?

    That's the worst book I ever read.

  • Why should you keep a broken clock?

    It's just nice having an extra set of hands around.

  • Why is being a pirate addictive?

    They say that after you lose your first hand, you get hooked!

  • What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands?

    A pocket watch.

  • What's strong enough for a man but made for a women?

    The back of my hand.

  • How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

    He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

  • What game are you watching?

    I wonder what she thought I was doing with my hands.

  • How do you stop a baby from crawling in a circle?

    Nail it's other hand to the floor.

  • What has two thumbs and got laid last night?

    My hands.

  • Why do you like little kids...?

    They have to use TWO hands.

  • How do you know if a woman is hot for you?

    When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.

  • What happens when you goose a ghost?

    You get a hand full of sheet. (Joke from my mom)

  • How can you help a starving cannibal?

    Give them a hand !

  • How did a blind man drive his car?

    A: One hand on the wheel the other on the road.

  • What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?

    My hand.

  • What animal do I respect most?

    The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

  • How did Helen Keller break her hands?

    Reading road signs at 30 MPH

  • How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

    Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

  • What did Mitt Romney say to C3P0?

    Threepio, hand me those binders, willya

  • How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles?

    nail the other hand to the floor.

  • What do you call an Italian with no hands?


  • What mistake did the chronometer make while it was getting along well with the digital watch?

    It asked the digital watch for its hand in marriage.

  • Why do black's have white skin on the bottom of their feet and the palm of their hands?

    Everyone needs a little bit of good inside them.

  • What do you do if a girl sits on your hand?

    Try to get her off!

  • What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

    A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

  • How do you tell when a girl really wants you?

    When you put your hand down her pants you think you're feeding a horse.

  • What do you call something that you do to your self with one hand?

    A Selfie!

  • What do you call a tree that you can fit in your hand?

    A PALM TREE!!!

  • How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead?

    A. The remote control slips from his hand.

  • Who's a good girl?

    WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

  • Which rock band always wash their hands before a concert?


  • What does the Pope use to dry his hands?

    Papal towels.

  • Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?

    Do NOT say:"Because I am tired of using my own"

  • What's the difference between training wheels and training bras?

    I need two hands to remove training wheels.

  • How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?

    Nail its other hand to the floor.

  • What has hands but can't clap?

    Stephen Hawking

  • How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Thousands because Confucious say many hands make light work.

  • What's the difference between dating a redhead and putting your hand in a blender?

    Answer: There's always a 50/50 chance the blender isn't on

  • What part of your hand is the most salty?

    The NaCls

  • How do you silence an Italian?

    Cut off his hands

  • Why fist fights break out at NASA?

    Sometimes an argument of perihelion will get out of hand.

  • What is the scariest part of a cavity search?

    When they put both their hands on your shoulders but keep searching

  • What do a brick and I have in common?

    We both get laid by hand.

  • What makes an ideal present for a monster?

    Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.

  • Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb?

    Many hands make light work.

  • What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?

    A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."

  • What's it like being a grown up?

    Me hands her money: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn. 10: This is only $2 M: Exactly

  • What did the one eyed thief, with a hook for a hand, call the elven princess?


  • What do mentally retarded parents give their kids?

    Hand me Downs.

  • Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor?

    He never mentions "on the other hand"

  • What did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed?

    I think we're in sink."

  • What do you get when you have one pinion nut in one hand, and two pinion nuts in another?

    A difference of a pinion!

  • What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands?

    Canta Plaus.

  • Why did Helen Keller masterbate with one hand?

    So she could moan with the other XD

  • Where r my legal briefs?

    Paralegal *hands him his boxers* Judge: lol Jury: We're hung Judge: ha! DA: Balls in your court Judge: DO MORE!

  • How did pinocchio find out that he was made out of wood?

    His hand caught fire.

  • When pianists fall in love what is their favourite position ?

    the four hands (you dirty minds)

  • How many of you believe in telekinesis?

    Raise MY hand!

  • How you turn a washer into a snow blower?

    Hand her a shovel

  • What disease is most easily contracted by touching your hands together?

    The clap.

  • How Many Marshawn Lynches Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

    Only one. Just as long as you hand him the damn lightbulb.

  • Why is my hand 11 inches long?

    Because if it were any longer it would be a foot!