Hang Jokes

  • What do you call those people who follow musicians around and try to hang with them after the show?


  • Where do all the funny people hang out at a party?

    In the punch line

  • Where do the bacteria gangsters hang out?

    On the Yeast Side.

  • What's pink, wrinkly, hairy, smells of pee, and hangs out you boxers?

    Either your mum, your wife or you.

  • Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

    They were looking for the ark tick.

  • What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

    A key.

  • Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?

    He always leaves you hanging

  • Why is depressed clothing so convenient?

    It hangs itself

  • Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago?

    Because 'Illinois you!

  • What's your emergency, sir?

    Me: I'm being taken away by ducks! I'm being- 911: Please don't do this, sir M: AbDUCKted! 911: *hangs up*

  • What do you call a midget hanging around a crime scene?

    A little suspect

  • How are lawyers and apples similar?

    They both look good hanging from a tree

  • What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, who hangs out in your pool?


  • Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

    He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

  • Why is Jesus happy people hang pictures of him?

    It only takes one nail to put him on a wall.

  • Why shouldn't happy people hang out with crustaceans?

    They get crabby! Badum tsss.

  • Why do teenage girls seem to always hang out in odd numbered groups?

    Two for me and one for you.

  • What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?

    A: Violists.

  • Why do mycologists have such a good time?

    Because they hang around the fungi.

  • What did the people who hung Jesus to the cross say?

    Nailed it

  • What do you call a man with no arms or legs... ... sitting at your door?

    Matt. ...floating in your pool Bob. ...hanging on your wall Art. ... water skiing Skipper.

  • What kind of bat hangs upside-down?

    An acrobat.

  • What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging from a window?

    Curt and Rod

  • How did Tarzan get his cry?

    As he was about to swing to the next tree he said, "OK, Cheeta, hang on anywhere".

  • Why should you always finish telling your jokes to David Carradine?

    He doesn't like to be left hanging.

  • Where do criminal spiders hang out?

    The deep web

  • Where do Crows hang out on friday night?

    The crow bar.

  • Where do monkeys hang out?

    At the monkey bars.

  • How does a Mathematician hang them selves?

    With a hypotenuse.

  • What do you call people who hang out with musicians?


  • What did the racist surfer say when asked about hanging a black man?

    Hang ten dude!!

  • What did one Christmas ornament say to the other Christmas ornament?

    Let's hang.

  • What's white and sticky?

    What's white and sticky and hangs from the clouds . The second coming of the Lord

  • Why did the AC wave try to hang himself?

    He was sinusoidal.

  • What do you call a dead baby hanging on a wall?


  • What do you call 2 guys hanging on the wall around a window?

    Kurt and Rod.

  • Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n?

    Because n always has to be the center of attention.

  • What was the last thing Robin Williams said to his wife?

    You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.

  • Why was the man hanging out in the market all day?

    I don't know, but it was pretty bazaar

  • What did the executioner say to the prisoner?

    Hang on a minute."

  • Why do white girls hang out in odd numbers?

    They can't even.

  • Where do Crows hang out on a friday nght?

    At a crow bar.

  • Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?

    To prove that he was framed!

  • Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?

    OC It was an obvious faux paw. Credit: My wife's a dork.

  • What did "O" said to "Q"?

    Dude, your is hanging out"

  • Where do cows go to hang out?

    The slaughterhouse. Emphasis on **hang**.

  • Why are black people afraid of high fives?

    They don't want to be left hanging

  • Why did the scientist regret naming the organism "Fungus"?

    Because after they hung out Gus was actually a pretty boring guy.

  • Why were all the ladies attracted to Jesus?

    Because he was hung like this. (Hold your arms out wide)

  • What was the preferred magazine of the bear that hung out behind the library?

    Digest Readers.

  • Why did the bat miss the bus?

    Because he hung around for too long.

  • Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?

    He was already suspended.

  • What did the scarf say to the hat?

    You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.

  • How do you keep black people out of your back yard?

    Hang one in the front!

  • What do you get hanging from Apple trees?

    Sore arms.

  • What did the lightning bolt say to the old oak tree?

    Hang onto your bark this will be no ordinary spark

  • What do you call a man with no arms & no legs... ...hanging on the wall?

    Art ...floating in the sea Bob ...laying on the floor Matt ...down in a hole Phil ...sitting in a pot Stu ...

  • Why did Mary Magdalen love Jesus?

    Because he was hung like this

  • What do you call someone who spends the whole time on their phone whenever you hang out?

    A phoney friend!

  • Why didn't blacks in 1850 give high-fives?

    Because everyone always left them hanging!

  • How long does it take to fly to Boston?

    The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.

  • Why do black people despise environmental studies?

    A:Cause they always get hung up on trees.

  • Why shouldn't you hang out with zombies?

    They make rotten friends

  • How are you doing this morning?

    Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you

  • Why wasn't Jesus any good at math?

    Because he always seemed to get hung up on addition.

  • What do you call a girl hanging from a basketball rim?


  • What's the difference between a dead baby and mistletoe?

    I don't hang mistletoe at Christmas time

  • What is the name of an Irish girl who hangs out on your lawn?

    Patti O'Furniture

  • What is a guy who hangs out with musicians called?

    A singer

  • Why do Demons and Ghouls hang out together?

    Because Demons are a Ghouls best friend.

  • What falls first an apple or a black man?

    An apple because the balackman hangs.

  • Where do Orcish cows go to hang out?


  • What's pink and wrinked and hangs out my Y-fronts?

    My mum.

  • Why are bananas never lonely?

    Because they hang around in bunches.

  • Why is the mens bathroom such an angry place?

    It's where all the pricks hang out.

  • What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke holes that it's often poked before?

    A key.

  • Where do all the cutest electrons hang out?

    A d orbital

  • What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

    If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!

  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?


  • Whats got wrinkles and hangs out your undies?

    Your granny

  • Why are spiders so unproductive?

    Because they hang out on the web all day!

  • Why does tigger smell?

    Becuase he hangs around with pooh! Had to share my 5 year olds joke..

  • What's it called when a hippy hangs himself?


  • What did the hat say to the scarf?

    You hang around here while I go on ahead.

  • What do you call two men hanging from a window sill?

    Kurt and Rod

  • What is your location?

    Me: And you're to blame 911: Pardon Me: You give love a bad name 911: I'm hanging up

  • What has little balls, and hangs down?

    A bat. What has big balls, and hangs up ...Then hang up the phone x)

  • Where do the Mexican truckers hang out?

    The guay station.

  • What's gray squeaky and hangs around in caves ?

    Stalagmice !

  • Why did the blonde go to church?

    B/c she heard there was a guy hung like this(https://riverchurchtelford.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/jesus.jpg)

  • Why was the leaf hanged?

    For tree-son. Ha-ha. Ha.

  • Why do all the ladies love Jesus?

    spreads out arms to fullest length) Because he was hung like this.

  • What is Robin Williams doing in heaven?

    Not sure, probably just hanging out.

  • Why are bats blind?

    Well your eyesight wouldn't be too good if you hung upside down all day would it

  • What kind of spy hangs out in department stores?

    A: A counter spy.

  • Why did the king have his landscaper hanged?

    For planning high trees, son.

  • Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

    ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

  • What do you call a quadruple amputee trying to swim?

    Bob. Same guy laying on the floor Matt. Same guy hanging on the wall Art. Same guy in a mailbox Bill.

  • What do you call an Irish guy with no arms and no legs hanging out on your front porch?

    Patio Furniture.

  • Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?

    Because they can't even.

  • Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold?

    Because he is a bad influenza

  • What did the surfer say to David Carradine?

    Hang tight

  • What's the difference between a Confederate flag and a black person?

    There is none Southerners both hang them from trees.

  • What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out my underpants?

    My mother.

  • What do you call a guy who hangs around a bunch of musicians?

    A drummer!!!!!

  • What do you get hanging from orange trees?

    Sore arms.

  • Why do the ladies love Jesus?

    This joke makes more sense if you can see it in person, but we'll give it a shot, anyway. Use your imagination. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he was hung like this!

  • How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?

    The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".

  • Where do you think you're going at this hour?

    gun hangs head & turns around

  • How do you catch King Kong?

    Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

  • Why did Jesus get all the ladies?

    Because he was hung like this (extends arms to sides)

  • Why are fire engines red?

    You would be too if you were running down the road with your hose hanging out!

  • Why does the KKK like christmas?

    Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.

  • What did the hail storm say to the roof?

    Hang onto your shingles this will be no ordinary sprinkles

  • Why do gingers hang out with black people?

    Because gingers have no soul, and black people have too much!

  • What do a racist and an apple have in common?

    They both look good hanging from a tree

  • Why are there many black people hanging around my family tree?

    because im a black man you racist

  • How can you tell the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

    The picture doesn't scream when you hang it.

  • What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?

    You only need a nail to hang a painting.

  • What do you call two healthcare professionals hanging out?

    A paramedics.

  • Where would you find the emo kid at his birthday party?

    Just *hanging* out by himself in the bedroom

  • What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your boxer shorts?

    Your grandma.

  • What is your emergency?

    Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.

  • How was the beach?

    You hang ten or what " No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

  • How does a sloth hang itself?

    By trying to jump rope.

  • What do blacks and apples have in common?

    If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree. Da ho, no I didnt.

  • What do you call a mushroom with a 12 in stem?

    A fungi to hang out with

  • What did the hat say to the tie?

    You hang around. I'll go on a head.

  • What do you call a dead guy hanging on your wall?


  • Where did they hang Speedy Gonzalez?

    At the pico de gallows.

  • How are black people and apples similar?

    They both look good hanging from trees

  • What did the tie say to the neck?

    I think I'll just hang around.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

    It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

  • Why don't cows hang out with camels?

    They're all a bunch of drama-dairies.

  • Where does a zookeeper hang his laundry?

    On a clothes lion.

  • What's the difference between a black person and Christmas lights?

    Nothing. They both look good hanging from trees.

  • What is red and hangs around trees?

    A baby hit by a snow blower

  • What's green and hangs from trees?

    Elephant snot. Funniest part is seeing people's reaction when you tell it.

  • What's wrinkly and hangs out your pants?

    Your mother.

  • What did one earring say to the other?

    What did one earring say to the other? You go on a head, i'll just hang round 'ere

  • What's black and hanging from a tree in my backyard right now?

    A black berry.

  • Whatcha doing?

    Me: "Going on twitter to hang out." H: "Twitter is an app, not a place." Me: *whispers venomously* "Is too a place!!"

  • Why don't drug addicts hang out at the beach?

    They don't like getting sand in their crack.

  • How did Reddit not fell down yet?

    I mean, it is only hanging by threads...

  • What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom?

    A momma's boa.

  • What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your undies?

    Your grandma.

  • How does Trent Reznor's mom hang up his Christmas stocking?

    With a Nine Inch Nail.

  • What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common?

    They both hang out at the Space Bar.

  • Why did the toilet make a joke about the balls?

    It was low hanging fruit.

  • How do you know you're on the phone with a meth head?

    When comcast puts them on hold and they don't hang up

  • How do you know you're flying over Poland?

    A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

  • Where does a digital photographer hang his work?

    On a jpeg.

  • Whats red, white, and hangs from a telephone pole?

    A dead baby shot out of a snowblower.

  • Why do straight white girls always hang out in odd numbers?

    Because they literally can't even Like. Omg.

  • What do you call a lump of coal and a diamond hanging out together?

    Carbon Dating.

  • How's it hanging?

    I'm not sorry.

  • What does a suicidal teenager do on the weekends?

    Hang at home.

  • What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging over a window?

    Kurt and Rod

  • What did the new KKK member say during his training?

    Hey, I'm getting the hang of it!"

  • Why do so many people like hanging out with Mr. Mushroom?

    Because he's a Fungi!

  • Why did Chris Benoit quit wrestling?

    He wanted to hang with his family.

  • What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five?

    You leave him hanging....

  • What do you call four black guys hanging in a barn?

    Antique farm equipment.

  • Why did Jesus hang on the cross for three days?

    He forgot the safe word.

  • Why is the Mississippi so wide?

    Because Mr. Sippi is hung like a horse.

  • What's black and white stinks and hangs from a line?

    A drip dry skunk.

  • What do you call a guy with no musical talent that hangs out with the band?

    The drummer.

  • What do you call twins with no arms and no legs, hanging by a window?

    Curt 'n Rod

  • What did the defendant say when he saw his picture hung up in the courtroom?

    I've been framed.

  • Why don't people hang out with the mushroom?

    He isn't a fungi.

  • Why should you not let your kids go to Korean Discos?

    Because you don't want them hanging around Parks at night.

  • Why did everyone wanted to hang out with the mushroom?

    Because he was a fungi

  • Why don't anti-vaxxers hang out in bars?

    They're afraid of the shots.

  • Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard?

    Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

  • What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party?

    I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.