Hang Jokes
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What do you call those people who follow musicians around and try to hang with them after the show?
Drummers.
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Where do all the funny people hang out at a party?
In the punch line
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Where do the bacteria gangsters hang out?
On the Yeast Side.
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What's pink, wrinkly, hairy, smells of pee, and hangs out you boxers?
Either your mum, your wife or you.
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Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?
They were looking for the ark tick.
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What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key.
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Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
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Why is depressed clothing so convenient?
It hangs itself
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Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago?
Because 'Illinois you!
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What's your emergency, sir?
Me: I'm being taken away by ducks! I'm being- 911: Please don't do this, sir M: AbDUCKted! 911: *hangs up*
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What do you call a midget hanging around a crime scene?
A little suspect
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How are lawyers and apples similar?
They both look good hanging from a tree
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, who hangs out in your pool?
Bob
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Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?
He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
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Why is Jesus happy people hang pictures of him?
It only takes one nail to put him on a wall.
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Why shouldn't happy people hang out with crustaceans?
They get crabby! Badum tsss.
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Why do teenage girls seem to always hang out in odd numbered groups?
Two for me and one for you.
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What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
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Why do mycologists have such a good time?
Because they hang around the fungi.
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What did the people who hung Jesus to the cross say?
Nailed it
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs... ... sitting at your door?
Matt. ...floating in your pool Bob. ...hanging on your wall Art. ... water skiing Skipper.
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What kind of bat hangs upside-down?
An acrobat.
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What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging from a window?
Curt and Rod
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How did Tarzan get his cry?
As he was about to swing to the next tree he said, "OK, Cheeta, hang on anywhere".
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Why should you always finish telling your jokes to David Carradine?
He doesn't like to be left hanging.
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Where do criminal spiders hang out?
The deep web
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Where do Crows hang out on friday night?
The crow bar.
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Where do monkeys hang out?
At the monkey bars.
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How does a Mathematician hang them selves?
With a hypotenuse.
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What do you call people who hang out with musicians?
Drummers
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What did the racist surfer say when asked about hanging a black man?
Hang ten dude!!
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What did one Christmas ornament say to the other Christmas ornament?
Let's hang.
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What's white and sticky?
What's white and sticky and hangs from the clouds . The second coming of the Lord
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Why did the AC wave try to hang himself?
He was sinusoidal.
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What do you call a dead baby hanging on a wall?
Art
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What do you call 2 guys hanging on the wall around a window?
Kurt and Rod.
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Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n?
Because n always has to be the center of attention.
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What was the last thing Robin Williams said to his wife?
You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.
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Why was the man hanging out in the market all day?
I don't know, but it was pretty bazaar
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What did the executioner say to the prisoner?
Hang on a minute."
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Why do white girls hang out in odd numbers?
They can't even.
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Where do Crows hang out on a friday nght?
At a crow bar.
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Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?
To prove that he was framed!
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Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?
OC It was an obvious faux paw. Credit: My wife's a dork.
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What did "O" said to "Q"?
Dude, your is hanging out"
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Where do cows go to hang out?
The slaughterhouse. Emphasis on **hang**.
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Why are black people afraid of high fives?
They don't want to be left hanging
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Why did the scientist regret naming the organism "Fungus"?
Because after they hung out Gus was actually a pretty boring guy.
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Why were all the ladies attracted to Jesus?
Because he was hung like this. (Hold your arms out wide)
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What was the preferred magazine of the bear that hung out behind the library?
Digest Readers.
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Why did the bat miss the bus?
Because he hung around for too long.
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Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?
He was already suspended.
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What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
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How do you keep black people out of your back yard?
Hang one in the front!
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What do you get hanging from Apple trees?
Sore arms.
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What did the lightning bolt say to the old oak tree?
Hang onto your bark this will be no ordinary spark
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What do you call a man with no arms & no legs... ...hanging on the wall?
Art ...floating in the sea Bob ...laying on the floor Matt ...down in a hole Phil ...sitting in a pot Stu ...
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Why did Mary Magdalen love Jesus?
Because he was hung like this
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What do you call someone who spends the whole time on their phone whenever you hang out?
A phoney friend!
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Why didn't blacks in 1850 give high-fives?
Because everyone always left them hanging!
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How long does it take to fly to Boston?
The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.
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Why do black people despise environmental studies?
A:Cause they always get hung up on trees.
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Why shouldn't you hang out with zombies?
They make rotten friends
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How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you
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Why wasn't Jesus any good at math?
Because he always seemed to get hung up on addition.
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What do you call a girl hanging from a basketball rim?
Annette
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What's the difference between a dead baby and mistletoe?
I don't hang mistletoe at Christmas time
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What is the name of an Irish girl who hangs out on your lawn?
Patti O'Furniture
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What is a guy who hangs out with musicians called?
A singer
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Why do Demons and Ghouls hang out together?
Because Demons are a Ghouls best friend.
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What falls first an apple or a black man?
An apple because the balackman hangs.
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Where do Orcish cows go to hang out?
Moooooooo*rdor.
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What's pink and wrinked and hangs out my Y-fronts?
My mum.
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Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
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Why is the mens bathroom such an angry place?
It's where all the pricks hang out.
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What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke holes that it's often poked before?
A key.
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Where do all the cutest electrons hang out?
A d orbital
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What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art.
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Whats got wrinkles and hangs out your undies?
Your granny
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Why are spiders so unproductive?
Because they hang out on the web all day!
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Why does tigger smell?
Becuase he hangs around with pooh! Had to share my 5 year olds joke..
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What's it called when a hippy hangs himself?
Tie-die
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What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here while I go on ahead.
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What do you call two men hanging from a window sill?
Kurt and Rod
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What is your location?
Me: And you're to blame 911: Pardon Me: You give love a bad name 911: I'm hanging up
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What has little balls, and hangs down?
A bat. What has big balls, and hangs up ...Then hang up the phone x)
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Where do the Mexican truckers hang out?
The guay station.
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What's gray squeaky and hangs around in caves ?
Stalagmice !
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Why did the blonde go to church?
B/c she heard there was a guy hung like this(https://riverchurchtelford.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/jesus.jpg)
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Why was the leaf hanged?
For tree-son. Ha-ha. Ha.
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Why do all the ladies love Jesus?
spreads out arms to fullest length) Because he was hung like this.
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What is Robin Williams doing in heaven?
Not sure, probably just hanging out.
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Why are bats blind?
Well your eyesight wouldn't be too good if you hung upside down all day would it
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What kind of spy hangs out in department stores?
A: A counter spy.
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Why did the king have his landscaper hanged?
For planning high trees, son.
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Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?
ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.
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What do you call a quadruple amputee trying to swim?
Bob. Same guy laying on the floor Matt. Same guy hanging on the wall Art. Same guy in a mailbox Bill.
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What do you call an Irish guy with no arms and no legs hanging out on your front porch?
Patio Furniture.
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Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
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Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold?
Because he is a bad influenza
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What did the surfer say to David Carradine?
Hang tight
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What's the difference between a Confederate flag and a black person?
There is none Southerners both hang them from trees.
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What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out my underpants?
My mother.
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What do you call a guy who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A drummer!!!!!
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What do you get hanging from orange trees?
Sore arms.
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Why do the ladies love Jesus?
This joke makes more sense if you can see it in person, but we'll give it a shot, anyway. Use your imagination. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he was hung like this!
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How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?
The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".
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Where do you think you're going at this hour?
gun hangs head & turns around
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How do you catch King Kong?
Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
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Why did Jesus get all the ladies?
Because he was hung like this (extends arms to sides)
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Why are fire engines red?
You would be too if you were running down the road with your hose hanging out!
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Why does the KKK like christmas?
Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.
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What did the hail storm say to the roof?
Hang onto your shingles this will be no ordinary sprinkles
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Why do gingers hang out with black people?
Because gingers have no soul, and black people have too much!
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What do a racist and an apple have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree
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Why are there many black people hanging around my family tree?
because im a black man you racist
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How can you tell the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
The picture doesn't scream when you hang it.
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What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?
You only need a nail to hang a painting.
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What do you call two healthcare professionals hanging out?
A paramedics.
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Where would you find the emo kid at his birthday party?
Just *hanging* out by himself in the bedroom
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What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your boxer shorts?
Your grandma.
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What is your emergency?
Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.
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How was the beach?
You hang ten or what " No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
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How does a sloth hang itself?
By trying to jump rope.
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What do blacks and apples have in common?
If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree. Da ho, no I didnt.
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What do you call a mushroom with a 12 in stem?
A fungi to hang out with
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What did the hat say to the tie?
You hang around. I'll go on a head.
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What do you call a dead guy hanging on your wall?
Art.
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Where did they hang Speedy Gonzalez?
At the pico de gallows.
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How are black people and apples similar?
They both look good hanging from trees
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What did the tie say to the neck?
I think I'll just hang around.
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
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Why don't cows hang out with camels?
They're all a bunch of drama-dairies.
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Where does a zookeeper hang his laundry?
On a clothes lion.
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What's the difference between a black person and Christmas lights?
Nothing. They both look good hanging from trees.
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What is red and hangs around trees?
A baby hit by a snow blower
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What's green and hangs from trees?
Elephant snot. Funniest part is seeing people's reaction when you tell it.
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What's wrinkly and hangs out your pants?
Your mother.
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What did one earring say to the other?
What did one earring say to the other? You go on a head, i'll just hang round 'ere
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What's black and hanging from a tree in my backyard right now?
A black berry.
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Whatcha doing?
Me: "Going on twitter to hang out." H: "Twitter is an app, not a place." Me: *whispers venomously* "Is too a place!!"
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Why don't drug addicts hang out at the beach?
They don't like getting sand in their crack.
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How did Reddit not fell down yet?
I mean, it is only hanging by threads...
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What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom?
A momma's boa.
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What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your undies?
Your grandma.
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How does Trent Reznor's mom hang up his Christmas stocking?
With a Nine Inch Nail.
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What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common?
They both hang out at the Space Bar.
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Why did the toilet make a joke about the balls?
It was low hanging fruit.
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How do you know you're on the phone with a meth head?
When comcast puts them on hold and they don't hang up
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How do you know you're flying over Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
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Where does a digital photographer hang his work?
On a jpeg.
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Whats red, white, and hangs from a telephone pole?
A dead baby shot out of a snowblower.
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Why do straight white girls always hang out in odd numbers?
Because they literally can't even Like. Omg.
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What do you call a lump of coal and a diamond hanging out together?
Carbon Dating.
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How's it hanging?
I'm not sorry.
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What does a suicidal teenager do on the weekends?
Hang at home.
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What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging over a window?
Kurt and Rod
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What did the new KKK member say during his training?
Hey, I'm getting the hang of it!"
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Why do so many people like hanging out with Mr. Mushroom?
Because he's a Fungi!
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Why did Chris Benoit quit wrestling?
He wanted to hang with his family.
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What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five?
You leave him hanging....
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What do you call four black guys hanging in a barn?
Antique farm equipment.
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Why did Jesus hang on the cross for three days?
He forgot the safe word.
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Why is the Mississippi so wide?
Because Mr. Sippi is hung like a horse.
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What's black and white stinks and hangs from a line?
A drip dry skunk.
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What do you call a guy with no musical talent that hangs out with the band?
The drummer.
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What do you call twins with no arms and no legs, hanging by a window?
Curt 'n Rod
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What did the defendant say when he saw his picture hung up in the courtroom?
I've been framed.
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Why don't people hang out with the mushroom?
He isn't a fungi.
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Why should you not let your kids go to Korean Discos?
Because you don't want them hanging around Parks at night.
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Why did everyone wanted to hang out with the mushroom?
Because he was a fungi
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Why don't anti-vaxxers hang out in bars?
They're afraid of the shots.
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Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard?
Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
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What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party?
I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.