Head Jokes
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What's that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders?
Harry: Help! What is it Fred: Your head!
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What do you get when you cross the CIA and the Republican Party?
Shot in the head in Dallas.
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What do you call a man with a colander on his head?
COLIN! Duh!!!
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When is the only time when No shirt no shorts no shoes gets you service?
If you're a surfer and you're getting head.
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Why is stupid monster like a jack-o'-lantern?
They both have empty heads.
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Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party?
He heard they were having upside-down cake!
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How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her Head & Shoulders under the steering wheel!
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Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
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Why are 9/11 jokes never funny?
Because they always fly over everyone's head.
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How do you know Kurt Cobain didn't have dandruff?
A bit of his head and shoulders were found behind the couch.
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How do Australians sleep?
With their heads at the foot of the bed.
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Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?
Because its head is so far away from its body.
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How are a roof and quantum physics the same?
They both go over your head.
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Why would John F. Kennedy make a horrible boxer?
Because he can't take a shot to the head.
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What do you call a terrorist holding an AK47 to your head?
Sir.
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What has two heads, four eyes, six legs, and a tail?
A: A horse and rider.
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What do you call a guy who's into beastiality?
Someone who really gets his head into the game.
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Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?
A: Because from a distance they looked like hares.
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What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?
Barbers.
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How can you tell if a cat is blonde?
A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.
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Where all my mustang drivers at?????
Last I heard, they're all headed to Portland
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Why didn't the Cancer Cowboy head out West?
He was afraid of Chemo-sabe.
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Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
A: He's been chasing parked cars.
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What do you call it... ...when you get head from a black girl and a white girl at the same time?
Marblehead
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What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.
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What lands as often on its tail as it does its head?
A penny.
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What does the Saudi executioner say every time he takes a head?
removed
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How about a private dance "Okay let's go" *heads to private room* "You ready?
Oh hell yeah *we both do the cha cha slide*
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What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head ?
The deceased !
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Why do successful lettuce farmers always get women?
Because everyone knows they give good *head*.
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What is the similarity between women and square roots?
If they are under 16 you should just do them in your head.
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Why do you need patience at the gym?
Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.
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What did the seamen say to his friend?
It was a long road, but I ended up coming out a head.
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Why did the man lost in the woods catch fire?
He was heading west.
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What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug
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What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack
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How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
You take your foot off the top of their head.
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What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug Got a set of tweezers as the toy as well. Hours of fun right there.
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Why does it take longer to make a snow woman than a Snowman?
Because you have to hollow out the head.
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What Do You Call an Ethiopian with A Piece of Lettuce on His Head?
A Quarter Pounder.
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What's roughly 6 inches long, has a head on it, and women love it so much that they often blow it?
A 20 dollar bill
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How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling!
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What did the grocery clerk say when he bumped his head when he was in the freezer?
Nothing, he was knocked out .
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Why do brown women wear red dots on their heads?
Because they record everything. (I swear I made it up n I'm brown too)
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What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had ?
The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had !
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What do retards wear on their heads?
Handicaps
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Why did the giraffe cross the highway?
Because he bumped his head on the low-way! I guess we're doing 4 year old's jokes today :)
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What's more fun than swinging an infant over your head with a rope as fast as you can?
Stopping it with a shovel
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What do you call an English teacher five feet tall covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?
Sir!
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Who's there ! Anita ! Anita who ?
Anita you like I need a hole in the head !
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Why do honest ducks dip their heads under the water?
To liquidate their bills.
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When is a Pixie not a Pixie?
When its head is up a Fairy's skirt, then it's a goblin.
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What shampoo do dragons prefer?
Head & Smolders
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What's the best part about getting head from an infant?
Watching the soft spot move.
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What's pink and red and can't turn round in a corridor?
A: A baby with a javellin through its head.
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What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm?
Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.
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What is the definition of torque?
When you wake up in the morning with an erection so stiff, that when you bend it down to take a leak, your legs kick back and you hit your head on the toilet.
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How does it feel to have your head separated from your body?
It tears your apart.
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What do a Marionette User and Tampon Thief have in common?
They both pull strings for work. (Inspired by Bo Burnham, this popped into my head the other day)
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What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !
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Where was Matthew McConaughey headed in those Lincoln commercials?
Dunno but I'm sure he made all rights all rights all rights.
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Why was Jesus crucified instead of stoned?
So Catholics could do this makes the sign of the cross, instead of this bangs self in head with fists.
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Who do you think the scariest POTUS was?
I'd have to say Rushmore, considering he had four heads.
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What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
I have only my shelf to blame"
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What did the older terrorist say to the younger terrorist before he headed out for a party?
Go on, have a blast.
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What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer?
One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.
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Why do you forget a tooth as soon as the dentist pulls it out?
Because it goes right out of your head.
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What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here, I'll go on a head
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What is ISIS's favorite type of text?
Is the answer: A: Heading B: Heading C: Heading
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Where is the monster's temple?
On the side of his head.
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What's black, white and red, and can't turn around in an elevator?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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What did the barber say to the Potato?
You've got eyes on the back of your head!"
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Why didn't Drake head on down to South Park?
He would never leave his woes behind.
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How do you cure the hiccups?
Dunk your head in a bucket of water and pull it out twice.
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What's hard and hairy and sticks out of your pajamas at night?
Your head.
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What's black and white and red, and has trouble going through a revolving door?
A nun with a javelin through her head
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Why did the schoolteacher who was in love with head of the school take out a loan with the bank?
A: Because she had an interest in the principal.
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Why do Transformers always have their heads in the clouds?
They're robots in da skies.
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How do Asians execute white people?
They cut off their heads using a Gweilotine.
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What do you say to a two headed monster?
Hello hello.
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Why don't smart girls ever get pregnant?
Because they use their head.
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Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?
Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".
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Why do ostriches have long necks?
Because their heads are so far from their bodies!
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What does 007 wear on his head?
A Bondana.
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How does Ohm conduct an orchestra?
Standing on his head!
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What did the bobby (English policeman) say to the hitchhiker with three heads, no arms and one leg?
Ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, 'op in."
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What's black, white, and red all over and can't turn around in a narrow hallway?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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What do you say to the guy who just jumped in the septic tank?
Urine over your head!
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What's the difference between a newspaper and a cocaine addict?
One has headlines, and the other gives head for lines.
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What's black, white, red, and can't turn around in an elevator?
A nun with a javelin through her head.
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Why are giraffe's necks so long?
Because their heads are so far away from their bodies!
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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance, they looked like hare.
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What's wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.
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What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Dug
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Why did the leper return to the shower?
He forgot his head and shoulders.
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What is the similarity between tight rope walking and an old lady giving you head?
You don't want to look down.
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Why did the headless chicken cross the road?
Cause he was supposed to be-headed to the other side
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What goes "Hahahahaha...*thud*"?
Someone laughing their head off
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What did on western cheese say to the other?
You gouda bounty on your head. You cheddar be here when I get back.
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What kind of injury results from having an omega-3 bottle thrown at your head?
A super-fish-oil wound
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What does a two-headed cat say??
Weow!
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Why is a giraffes neck so long?
Because the head is so high up.
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Why did the masochist STOP hitting himself on the head with a hammer ?
Because it hurt.
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What do you call a girl that gives head in the shower?
Brainwashed.
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How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A brick to the back of his head should do it.
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What has five arms, three legs and a head?
The finish line at the Boston Marathon
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How do you save a Republican from drowning?
Take your foot off of their head.
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How easy is it to get a song stuck in your head?
It's only a weem away.
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What do you call a guy with no nuts and a horn on his head?
A eunucorn.
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Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head?
Lice. Lice, maybe.
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What do you call an Ethiopian with a piece of cheese on his head?
Quarter pounder with cheese!
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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
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How do you greet a three-headed monster?
Hi, hi, hi.
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How do you get your partner to give you head?
Put them in a guillotine.
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Why did the fisherman head out during a storm?
For the halibut
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What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
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Why don't birds ever wear underwear?
Because their pecker is on their head.
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What did the hat say to the other hat?
You stay here. I'll go on a head.
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How can you tell if a shark has dandruff?
He left his head and shoulders on the beach.
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What do you call a nosy hot pepper?
Jalapeno business! ha ha.. haha.. ha love this joke (Usually accompanied with three snaps of the fingers in the shape of the letter Z and moving my head from side to side)
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Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*
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What foreplay does the praying mantis girlfriend enjoys ?
Being given head.
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Why couldn't JFK be a boxer?
He couldn't take shots to the head.
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Why did the astronomer hit himself on the head in the afternoon?
He wanted to see stars during the day.
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Why is it so hard to build a blonde snowman?
Because you have to hollow out the head.
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What did the hat say to the tie?
You hang around. I'll go on a head.
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Why wasn't the patient concerned when she was told she had a brain tumor?
The doctor said it was all in her head
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What do ateists wear on their necks as an indication of their commitment to the atheism?
Head.
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What happened when the lepers played poker?
One guy threw down his hand and another laughed his head off. This was my best friend's favorite joke when she was little apparently.
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Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman?
It takes too long to hollow out her head. (I got this one from my uncle)
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How much for a haircut?
Barber: Fifteen dollars. How much for a shave Barber: Ten dollars. Right - shave my head.
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Why did Kennedy throw his head back?
He was taking a shot.
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What do you say to an alien with two heads?
Hello. Hello.
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Why does a witch wear a pointed black hat?
To keep her head warm.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic
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What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ?
Sister Matic !
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What's the difference between astronomy and gastronomy?
Astronomy is about things too big to wrap your head around, while gastronomy is about things small enough to wrap your head around.
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Why are men smarter than women?
They have two heads.
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What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A firm grip on the back of her head.
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Why didn't you answer me ?
Pupil: I did I shook my head Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you !
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What did captain Kirk do in the head?
He Shatner.
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What's black and white and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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What goes on forever with no head?
A loveless marriage.
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What did one earring say to the other?
What did one earring say to the other? You go on a head, i'll just hang round 'ere
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Whatcha call that?
Head over heels.
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What's the only animal that can't get hit in the head?
Duck.
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Why Do Giraffes Have Such Long Necks?
So they can reach their head!
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Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks?
Because their heads are so close to their bodies!
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How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
Depends on what tune the Devil happens to be playing. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha.
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What's the difference between having a badly poured draft beer and having a child with Down's Syndrome?
If the head's too big on your beer, you can blow it off.
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Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.
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How did the media find out that princess Diana had dandruff?
They saw her head and shoulders in the glove compartment
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Why couldn't the cat walk through the door?
it had a javelin through it's head.
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Why did Patrick Stewart shave his head?
So he could badly go where no man has gone before.
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What do members of secret societies use when they get a head cold?
An Illumi-neti pot
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What did the pirate say when he saw a woman giving head?
There she blows!!!
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When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up?
This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
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What's the best part of an ISIS joke?
The Execution. Hehe...get it? No? Fine I'll be-heading off now.
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What do you call an Asian lady with a Mixmaster on her head?
Brenda
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Why couldn't the headless horseman win the race?
He couldn't get a head.
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Why do ducks nod their head when they walk?
They're listening to duckstep!
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What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head ?
Petal !
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Why do politicians wear neckties?
To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.
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What's the worst thing to hear after giving head to Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson.
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What did the flower say about the tree heading to the sky?
He's on route.
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How much do you love me?
Count the stars in the sky and that's how much I love you "But it's so cloudy" *pats her on the head* Yeah I know
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Why is the Statue of Liberty a woman?
Because the head had to be empty in order to build a restaurant.
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What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head ?
A tiger moth !
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What's the definition of "Trust"?
Two cannibals giving each other head
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Why are millionaires bad at swimming?
Because they drown at their own wealth Edit: I got down voted :( I thought of that in my head and just wanted to share it
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What's the difference between a beer and a down syndrome kid?
If you end up with a badly poured beer you can blow it's head off.
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What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called?
A: Ptera Don
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What was the executioner's favorite shampoo?
Head and shoulders.
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What part of a chicken is a musical instrument?
The drumstick. (Had this joke stuck in my head for a while so felt like sharing it.)
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Why would you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can make dinner and get head at the same time.
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What does the handyman who has no legs wear on his head?
The handycap.
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What is Dracula's girlfriend called when she gives him head?
Down for the count!
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Why was the deaf man sighing and shaking his head in disgust when he looked over at his next door neighbour?
Because she was *airing her dirty laundry*!!!
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Which is harder to make?
A blonde brunette or a red-headed snowman A: A blonde because you have to hollow out its head
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What has a head, a tail, and no body?
A coin!
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Why are people not right in the head?
Because on the left side of the brain there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left!
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What do you get if you walk under a cow?
A pat on the head.
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What do you call a middle eastern man with a bounty on his head?
A towel head.
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What goes HO HO HO thud?
Santa laughing his head off. What goes HO HO HO A Pimp taking inventory.
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Where do you touch a woman to give yourself the most pleasure?
The back of her head.
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Who fancies going to Tunisia?
I heard they're giving free shots on the beach. They go straight to your head, too.
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Why was the ink happy?
Because it had its in-de-pen-dance. I'm posting lots of really bad jokes tonight that just appear in my head, if just one person enjoys just one joke is worth it, good evening.
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Why is it impossible to surprise a snowman?
He has ice in the back of his head. Get it He has ice in the back of his head. Get it
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What has two heads and six legs?
Nirvana
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What do get if you cross a parrot and a crocodile?
A: An animal that talks your head off.
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What was Monica Lewinsky's job at the White House?
Receiving heads of state.
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What does a desperate Mexican do?
Bangs his head against the wall.
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How do you call a 100 m race between siamese twins?
Head to head race
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What do you call a man with a kilt over his head ?
Scott !
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What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his head in the fan?
It took ears off his life!
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What did one hat say to the other hat?
You wait here, I'm going to go on a head.
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What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head?
An ambulance because that is a serious medical emergency that requires immediate attention.
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What do read heads get when they don't brush their teeth?
Gingervitis Edit: redheads. I am a disgrace.
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How's your head?
Don't reply with "No man has ever complained."
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What's the difference between a radical and a moderate Muslim?
A radical Muslim wants to cut your head off, but a moderate Muslim the radical Muslim to cut your head off. Bye.
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What did the hat say to the coat stand?
You stay here, I'll go on a head.
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What does a monster do when he loses his head?
He calls a head hunter.
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Why ya going to the airport?
Why ya going to the airport? Flying Somewhere?" : "How'd you guess?" : "Well, I saw your luggage, then when I saw the airplane ticket I put two and two together. So where you headed?" : "Aspen." : "Mmm, California.. Beautiful."
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What's black, white, red, and has trouble going through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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What was the primary role of the aristocrats during the French revolution?
They put their head into it.
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Why can Owls turn there head 270 degrees?
Because they don't have wing mirrors.
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How do Polish dogs get bumps on their heads?
Chasing parked cars.
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Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.
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What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head?
Ducks like a quack.
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How do you know the girl from Jaws had dandruff?
She left her Head & Shoulders on the beach
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What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
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How do you know if someone's an expert archer?
Put an apple on your head & stand still he'll Tell you.
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What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening?
A pillow
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What has long ears four legs and is worn on your head?
An Easter bunnet!
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Why did Luke Skywalker bluff in a game of poker?
He heard Obi-Wan in his head saying Out, I shall let myself.
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Why are giraffes' necks so long?
Because their heads are so far from their bodies.
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How do we know Paul Walker had dandruff?
We found his Heads & Shoulders in the glove box.
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Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny?
Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.
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What do u call an ethopian with a slice of cheese on his head?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
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How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?
Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.
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What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
Sister-Matic
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How did Isis move from 5th wanted terrorist group to the most wanted terrorist group?
They cut a head
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How do you stop a hippie from drowning?
Take your combat boot off his head.
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Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
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Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
Because his pecker is on his head
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What didn't the Japanese understand nuclear missile technology?
It was a little over their heads
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What's the difference between a spitter and a swallower?
10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head.
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Whats the only bad thing about head from an anorexic girl?
She won't swallow
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What do you call an American with a lavatory on his head ?
John.
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What's black and white and can't turn around in an elevator?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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Where'd my boomerang go?
Under there "Under where " Hahaha I just made you say "underwear" *boomerang hits me in the back of the head*
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What do you get when you throw a rabbit at someone's head?
Facial Hare
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What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online?
Papal
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How do you castrate a priest?
Kick the altar boy in the back off the head
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Whats the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their knees
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Why did the bald man draw rabbits all over his head?
From a distance they look like hares!
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How do you stop a woman giving you head?
Marry her.
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I got hit in the head by a soda can, but it didn't hurt that much...
It was a soft drink.
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How did they know Christa McAuliffe had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders on the beach
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Why is your face all scratched ?
My girlfriend said it with flowers. How romantic. Not really she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses !
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Who's there ! Anne ! Anne who ?
Anne apple just fell on my head !
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What do you call a chicken staring at a head of lettuce?
Chicken sees-a salad
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What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head?
I blame my shelf
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What's black and white and red all over and can't get through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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Why can't you tell a joke to a dwarf?
Because it will go right over his head
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Why doesn't a rooster wear underwear?
becuase his peckers on his head
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Why don't birds wear underwear?
Because, their pecker is on their head.
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What did the grave robber say to his gym buddy in the locker room?
I'm gonna get some head tonight.
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How do you hit 20 flies in one shot?
Hit an Ethiopian in the head with a frying pan.
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Where was Solomon's temple located?
On the side of his head.
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What goes ha, ha, ha, clunk?
A man laughing his head off.
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Why were the camels wearing sandals?
To stop themselves sinking into the sand. Why did the ostrich stick its head in the sand To look at the camels who forgot to put their sandals on.
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Where are most fish found ?
Between the head and the tail !
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Who would win a fight between a taco and a hotdog?
so I punched him in the head.
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What's black and white and can't fit through a door?
x-post r/AntiJokes) A zebra with a spear through its head.
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How do you cure a headache?
A: Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!
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Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?
A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know " whenever you ask them a question.
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Why was the kamikaze pilot so depressed?
He felt his life was heading for a downward spiral.
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Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?
Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).
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Where do you think you're going at this hour?
gun hangs head & turns around
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What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?
Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old. Here's my contribution. Have you head of the new drinking game? The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots. What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.
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Why couldn't the penguin turn around in the phone booth?
Because he had a javelin through his head.
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Where was Soloman's temple located?
On the side of his head.
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What do you get when you give a head of lettuce to an epileptic?
A seizure salad.
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What is about 6 in long, has a head, girls love to blow it, and is in a guys pants?
a dollar bill you dirty minded people!! LMFAO
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How can you tell that a straight pin is confused?
Just look at it. It's headed in one direction and pointed in the other.
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Why is a cat like a penny?
Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.
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What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long has a head on it and that women love so much that they often blow it?
A: a $20 bill
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How did he do that?
I dropped it on his head.
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What did the head trauma patients do when the price of medicine went up?
A: They went on stroke.
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Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head?
The tomato was in a can.
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What do schizophrenic people think when they say an insensitive joke?
That sounded a lot better in my head
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What do you call man with.. What do you call man with a rucksack on his back and salt and pepper on his head?
A seasoned traveller.
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Why do you have a pear on your head?
He replies, "It's not a peach, it's a plum!"
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What did the fish say when it bumped its head?
Dam.
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Why did the accountant go crazy?
He started to hear invoices in his head.
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What did one hat say to another?
You stay here, I'll go on a head!
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What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off. Boss: That's pr--*thump*
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What kind of alcohol gets stuck in your head for days?
Red Red Wine!
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What does a half-dressed Sikh wear on his head?
A subturban!
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What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?
Ray!
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Why did kurt pull the trigger?
He couldn't get hole out of his head
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What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head?
Dead.
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What do you call a chinese woman with a food processor on her head?
Brenda.
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Why so?
The light bulb replies, "I'm a light headed!"
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Why don't roosters wear underwear?
Their peckers are on their heads.
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What's that pig doing in the middle of the road with a red light on its head?
Didn't you tell me to put out a stop swine