Hear Jokes
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What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals ?
The Lakers . (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals. ) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke .
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Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
He just took it in stride
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How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing?
HEY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!
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What is the world's most religious fish?
The manta pray, at least until the morpray eel hears about this.
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What will they ask Jared of Subway in the prison shower?
Do you want a 6 or a 12 inch one?' I heard this joke on Bill Burr's podcast.
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Why did Luke Skywalker bluff in a game of poker?
He heard Obi-Wan in his head saying Out, I shall let myself.
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What's the worse thing to hear during a prostate exam?
A zip.
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
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Why did the boy jump up and down on the letter?
He heard that you have to stamp letters or the post office won't send them.
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What do you hear if you hold a kebap to your ear?
The silence of the lambs
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Why did a man bring a ladder to the party?
He heard the drinks were on the house..... I'll see myself out.
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Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago.
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Why does light travel faster than sound?
Because some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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Why was the Newfie excited when he heard Quebec might leave Canada?
It wouldn't take him as long to drive to Toronto
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What is the most commonly heard four-letter word in a whorehouse?
Next!"
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Why did all the Black people move to Detroit?
Because they heard there were no jobs there.
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Why are your nails painted two different colors?
Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color. Dad: ... Dad: Can I hear it
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Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom?
Because her pee is silent.
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What did Hamlet say when he heard dubstep for the first time?
Aye, there's the wub"
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Why do the Avengers keep calling Spiderman over to fix their computer?
Because they heard he's a web developer
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Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?
She was a roman catholic.
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What makes mexican and black jokes so similar?
Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.
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Why couldn't anyone hear Hellen Keller scream?
She was wearing mittens.
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What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on?
A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.
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Why don't you hear any knock knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
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What's the difference between a black joke and Mexican joke?
Nothing. If you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.
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Who was the best boxer of all time?
Jim Jones, I heard he took out 909 people with one punch.
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Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Because their sheep can hear zippers.
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What is the craziest/weirdest/most interesting/most unique/ uncommon phrase you've ever heard ?
I am working on a project, and its going to revolve around a phrase. I need it to be really out there, yet could be used in everyday life. But honestly just give me anything you got.
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Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane?
Cos iv never heard of an airplane reverse into a mountain... ill help myself out...
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Why would anybody ever want to visit New Brunswick?
I hear their bowling alleys are pretty nice.
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What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage I do realize this is a sick joke but it still makes me laugh when I hear it. I'm a horrible person
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What's the worst thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson."
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What was the last thing that the homeless man heard before becoming a giant?
Go big or go home
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What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin?
Countdown This was a joke I heard on TV some time ago ... Thought it was worth a share.
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What's the most important part of making a Mexican joke ?
Making sure that no Juan hears you.
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Why would I want to talk to your baby?
On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
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What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
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What kind of music do phones love to hear?
A symphony
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Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
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Why did Jared go to a Goat farm?
Why did Jared go to a Goat farm? He heard there was lots of Kids there.
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Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard that the chickens at KFC were pretty hot.
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Why did the chicken cross the road ?
Her: Because she had heard that the mayor was going to lay a cornerstone and she wanted to see if he could really do it.
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What do Detroit and the Olympics have in common?
You hear a gunshot and see a bunch of black guys running
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Why are life long overweight people funny?
Growing up they hear the best jokes.
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Why did the pig join the Army?
He heard the food was a mess.
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Why did the accountant go crazy?
He started to hear invoices in his head.
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Why are there so many Asians?
Its the food. There is too much raw dog. Heard it on Adam Carolla's Podcast. A caller phoned in and told it to Adam. Thought you guys would like it.
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Why can't you hear it when a pteranodon goes to the bathroom?
Because they're all dead.
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What's a Chinese woman called with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene. (Normally start this as a two part joke with, "What do you call a woman with... Ilene." Ha... But figured everyone had already heard that).
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What do you call a man with potatoes in their ears?
Anything you want, He can't hear you!
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What did the horse say to whinnie the pooh while watching his t.v. show?
I wish I could hear you whinnie.
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What do you call a deaf dinosaur?
Anything you like - he can't hear you.
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Why the big pause................................?
Said the man in the pub to the bear. First heard this joke told by Eddie Izzard.
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How they rave and they rant! Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie Hefner or Grant - Horton Hears a Hugh
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What's Cain's favorite genre of music?
Rock, I hear his brother hates it though.
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Why did Rolf Harris leave Animal Hospital?
He heard they were getting hares and lost interest!
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What is the worst thing you want to hear from a doctor giving you a prostate exam?
Look ma, no hands!"
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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
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What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
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Whats the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you step on a trampoline Probally heard this but it's worth a shot
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Why did the chicken cross the state line?
He just had to get out of there because he heard that Kentucky fried chicken!
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Why do Black People hate country music?
Because when they hear "Hoe Down" they think their sister got shot.
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because pterodactyls are extinct.
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Why Are Mexican & Black Jokes Overdone?
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!...I'm sorry, you can hate me if you wish. ;(
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Who fancies going to Tunisia?
I heard they're giving free shots on the beach. They go straight to your head, too.
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Why did the Kenyans win the marathon?
They heard there was water at the end
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Why isn't anyone afraid of China?
Because everyone knows General Tsao's chicken. Heard from a friend today. :)
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How will I know when I'm an adult?
and I said, ' When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator'
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Who wants to hear an awesome knock knock joke?
Okay, you start.
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Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
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What are you looking for in a car?
I said, "It has to be affordable" He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble."
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How did the set react when it heard about the Russell Paradox?
It couldn't contain itself.
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What is something that is always heard but never seen?
A member of the Queen's guard doing a single squat.
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Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies?
Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter there's a Gorilla in my soup!'
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How do you find out that a cricket hears with its legs?
First, you put the cricket on a box, tap the box, and you see that the cricket jumps away. Now, you cut his legs off, put him on a box, tap the box, and you'll see that the cricket does not jump away.
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Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus?
She heard about his second coming
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What did the farmer's daughter say when she lost her virginity?
Get off me dad you're crushing my smokes! Or "That'll do pig, that'll do." I have heard it both ways.
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What did Japan say when it heard the US had an atomic bomb?
Did you make that Fermi?
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Why are children's birthday parties never held in outer space?
Because I hear that in space there is no ice-cream.
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.
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What's a joke that you invented?
Here's mine: Did you hear about the guy who had to snort a line of baking soda every day? He was basically addicted.
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Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
Never mind...it's tearable
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Why do seagulls live by the Sea..?
Because if they lived by the Bay, they would be bagels! Honestly this cracked me up when I first heard it.
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When you tell Optimus Prime a joke, what do you hear?
Vehicular man's laughter
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Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
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What is the world's leading cause of hearing loss?
Religion.
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Why Do Scottish people wear kilts?
Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.
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What do women and the stock market have in common?
If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.
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Want to hear my pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
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How many friendzoned guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None they all stand around complementing it then get mad when it wont screw. Heard from my friend
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Who lives in the green house?
Me: I don't know Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house? Me: The red guy Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house? Me: The blue guy Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house? Me: The yellow guy Her: Who lives in the white house? Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out: The black guy!!
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Why did the hipster cross the road?
To get to a place you've probably never heard of.
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the restroom?
Because they're extinct
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What to hear a joke about dementia?
Pickles
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What would you're opening line be?
Like outrageous, dark, funny whatever let's hear!
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Why didn't Wilma let Fred in when he was banging at the door?
Because she was in the shower and didn't hear him because the elephant stump was on full blast.
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What's the last thing you hear before a pubic hair falls to the ground?
spits*
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What is the definition of a Freudian slip?
when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.
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Why did Micheal Jackson go to JC Penny?
He heard little boys pants were 50% off...
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What's 12 inches long, stiff, full of sperm and can make a girl scream?
The sock under my bed. (I don't remember where I heard it. Can't claim ownership.)
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Who are you with?
and "Just heard our song"
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Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
A: It's meow-sic to their ears!
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Why'd the chicken cross the court?
Because he heard the ref was blowin' fowels..
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What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?
They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.
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What is one of the funniest simple joke you have ever heard?
Literally... made you die laughing e.g. Why did the monkey fall of the tree bc it died e.g. How do you keep an idiot in suspense
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Why does everybody else get the brunt of the jokes?
Let me hear something different.
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What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear ?
Whatever you want, he can't hear you..
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Why do the Irish wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
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What do you call a dog that can't hear?
Doesn't matter much, does it
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Why did the lollipop cross the road?
Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed.
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What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck! I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.
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What did the bat say to the other bat when he almost flew into a tree?
Whoa did you hear that?
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Which of my girlfriends do you think is the prettiest?
What I actually heard was "Do you want a fight "
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Why was Darth Vader upset when he heard George Michael will only play new songs at his concerts?
He found his lack of Faith disturbing.
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Why can't your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
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What can you hear but never see?
Everything if you're Stevie Wonder
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What's the worst they could say? No?
I'm a married man, I hear no at least two times a week.
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Where'd ya get it?
The parrot says, "Africa." (I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)
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What do religions and gender have in common?
You hear about a new one every day and none of them make any sense.
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What did the farmer say when he heard the town gossiping about his cornfield fire?
My ears are burning!"
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What do you call people with big ears?
Nothing, they might hear you
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Want to hear a chimney joke?
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
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Why did the little pig hide the soap?
He heard the farmer yell "Hogwash!"
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Where is 5?
Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE
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What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader?
I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes ... A FSHHH
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Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?
Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!
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Why did Katie Holmes divorce Tom Cruise?
She heard he was in a few good men.
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Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
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What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday?
A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.
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Why did the entrepreneur decide to go into the landfill business?
He heard it was a growing field.
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What to hear something funny?
Original Content
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Who run da world?
points mic at me* ME: having briefly heard the song once before ...squirrels
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What's the worst thing about Mexican and Black jokes?
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
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What do you call a group of ears?
A heard
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Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live. I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.
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What is the best spanish joke you've ever heard?
I couldnt find the spanish section of reddit
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What's the worst thing you can hear while taking the bus?
ALLAHUUUUUU AKBARRRR
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Why did the man bring his bed with him to the hospital?
It's because he heard hospital beds have a high mortality rate.
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Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow-blower was coming.
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What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip?
Recalculating route.
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What do you hear when a sheep blows up?
Sis boom baa Carnac
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What's a lannister's favorite pop star?
Katy Perry, because you're going hear her roar
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Why are there no astronauts on Twitch.tv?
Because in space, no one can hear you stream.
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Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
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How much did the cannibal pay for his new sports car?
I don't know but I heard it cost him an arm and a leg.
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Why do American tourists talk so loudly?
So that they can hear each other over their clothes
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Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about?
A: Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about? B: Which one? A: the I-sis
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What to hear a joke?
Women's Sports.
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What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears?
You're hired" "Not guilty"
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What's the most offensive jokes you guys have?
What's the most offensive jokes you have ever hear
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What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
Sametime next month? I heard this jome a while back. Sorry if its a repost
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What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?
Do You Hear what I Hear?
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What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal?
nice watch"
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?
Because they're all dead
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Why did the black guy cross the road?
He heard there was chicken on the other side!
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What do you do when you hear a woman got hit by a car?
Wonder how the hell a car got into the kitchen
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What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear ?
Anything you want as he can't hear you !
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Why are elephants wiser than chickens ?
Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant !
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Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies?
Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup .
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Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
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How do you know if your friend, "Doesn't even OWN a TV?
Because it's this answer to every question you ask them. "Did you hear about the President's new policy on... " "I don't even OWN a TV!"
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What's joke #1?
THIS IS NOT A JOKE I'm sure you all have heard the joke where has a number for each joke and that everyone just remembers the numbers instead for typing out the jokes. This always made me think "What would joke #1 be?" What do you think it'd be?
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Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard drinks were on the house.
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How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let's hear him out.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
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What are you planting???
B: The seed of doubt. A: Dude, that's the worst joke I've ever heard! A: Or is it the best???
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Why did the duck go to the basketball game?
He heard the ref was blowing fouls!
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Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away
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What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?
Yes, I'm completely sure.
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What attracted you to our company?
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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What did gangster Pooh said to gangster Tigger?
Tigga please!" Sorry, I heard it years ago. I don't remember where or when but I've just been saying alot lately. :p
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Which kid is yours?
Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'
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Why did the Tour de France get raided?
The police heard it was full of pedal-philes.
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Why did the cannibal go to KFC?
He heard it was finger licking good.
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Why do Mexican and Muslim jokes all sound the same?
Cause if you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal. Ba da Tissssssss
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Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate?
He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.
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Why did the blonde go to church?
B/c she heard there was a guy hung like this(https://riverchurchtelford.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/jesus.jpg)
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What kind of disease do you get from birds?
Chirpes. It's a canarial disease, and I hear it's untweetable.
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Whats the worst thing to hear when you have explosive diarrhea?
Are you ticklish?"
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Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle. (X-post from r/dadjokes)
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Which do you want to hear first?
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.
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Why did the snowman have his pants down?
Because he heard the snowblower was coming.
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Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party?
He heard they were having upside-down cake!
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What did you hear about the tree who was in love?
He pined everyday.
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Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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How do you stop hearing jokes written for 12 year olds?
Unsubscribe from r/jokes!
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Whats you favorite Christmas joke?
I know this is an unorthodox post, but, I would love to hear your favorites!
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What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Sorry if you've heard this) Christopher Walken
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What happened to the man who went to court for making deafening noises?
He lost his hearing.
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Why do Arabs wear thawbs?
Goats can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!
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What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You hear about them but never see them
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Where'd you get them?
Him: ... *peeks under bathroom stall* Did you hear me
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Why did Hannibal Lecter try DiGiorno's Pizza?
He heard it had de y flavor.
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What kind of wig can hear ?
An earwig !
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Why do Mexicans make refried beans?
Ever heard of a Mexican doing something right the first time
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What did the blind guy say to the deaf guy?
I hear what your saying, but I don't see your point
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What is the worst joke you have ever Heard?
I'll start it off: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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Why are there no stray dogs in China?
Have you heard of stray chickens
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Why don't we hear cannibal jokes anymore?
Because after they ate the clowns, nothing is funny.
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Why can't the band Def Leppard make music anymore?
They all lost their hearing
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What's the same about a smart blonde and a UFO?
You keep hearing about em but you never see em
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Why did American football player Michael Vick want to see the film "Top Gun"?
He heard the film had dogfighting scenes
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What did the Zionist rabbi say when he heard about the plight of the Palestinian people?
Never mind their wailing. We'll just build more walls!
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What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic!
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How did the townsfolk find out the pigeons were plotting a revolution?
A: They heard them in the town square saying, "Coup, coup!"
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
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How do you know when a hiptser is a good secret agent?
You've never heard of him.
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Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage?
It was wrong on so many levels.
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How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb?
You can hear their brooms tick!
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What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
A: "Today children we will learn our ABC's"
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Who directed this?
HIM: "A bear attack." ME: "Never heard of him."
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What do you say upon hearing a bad Halloween joke?
Booooooo, Booooooo
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a leak?
Because their entire species is extinct.
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Why was the baguette excited for his audition?
He heard he might be playing a big roll
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What do you call a deaf fishing boat captain?
Anything you like he can't hear you.
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Who wants to go to Florida with me?
I heard the clubs are to die for.
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Why does everyone keep saying the Boston Marathon was a tragedy?
I heard everybody had a blast.
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What has shadier inner workings, Reddit or FIFA?
Still waiting to hear back from an admin.
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Who wants to hear a Star Wars Spoiler?
Darth Vader is Luke's dad.
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Why do Retirees smile all the time?
Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
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What do you hear when Bill Cosby walks into the room?
Zzzzip)
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What did the cat say when I shut him in the refridgerator?
I don't know, I couldn't hear him through the door.
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Why did the acronym buff decide to go join the etymologists instead?
He heard they had PIE.
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Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.
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Why do Scotsman wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
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Why are all Mexican jokes and Black jokes the same?
Because once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
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Why are there so many black people in Detroit?
It's because they heard there was no jobs there.
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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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What did one hash brownie say to the other?
We're so baked. What did the stoner say to his friend? I'm so high,I can hear the brownies talking to each other.
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Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
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How can you tell there is a Canadian in your closet?
You can hear someone scooting aboot in it
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Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?
It reads "Small medium at large."
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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I've never heard a baby say: "cigarettes,phone and keys alright let's go"
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Who's the new guy?
And the bartender says, I don't know, but I've heard he's a shady character!
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's ok, he woke up.
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What is worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
1 baby nailed to 10 trees Sure, oldest one in the book but whatever lets hear what you got gang
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Who do fish listen to when they want to hear some dubstep?
Krillex.
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Why did the duck cross the basketball court?
He heard the referees were blowing fouls... -Jim Norton
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Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
crowd goes wild B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES *crowd goes nuts B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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Why didn't the cellphone attend the wedding?
He heard the reception was going to be terrible...
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What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
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Why did Bill and Ted join Islam?
Because they heard it was radical!
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Why do Scots wear kilts?
Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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What does NASCAR stand for?
Non-athletic-sport-centered-around-rednecks (I heard this forever ago and wanted to share. Sorry if it happens to be a repost.)
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How is an accordion like an artillery shell?
Once you hear it, it's already too late.
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Why do Chinese people love NY?
Because they heard we sell hotdogs for $0.75 each.
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What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear?
Hearing AIDS
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What is your best weed/stoner related joke?
I've never heard any good ones so please give me your best!
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How about a dirty one as well?
Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath. With Bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? (Punchline hidden so you don't accidentally read)
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What's the best joke you ever heard?
For me, it's gotta be Emo Phillips' Baptist joke. Although to tell it you've gotta get his execution down.
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Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers?
She heard he was a cowpuncher!
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What's a hipster's biggest problem?
You probably haven't heard it.
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Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller fall off a cliff?
She had mittens on.
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Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
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Whopper at BK You hear BK is now selling a black whopper?
They are already cancelling it because it will never work and everyone wants it for free ...... lmao
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What is the worst city to be a cop in?
Baltimore, I hear it's backbreaking work.
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What did the doctor say to the terminally ill deaf patient?
Now, this may be difficult to hear..."
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What was 2016?
The best joke I've ever heard!
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Why don't black people listen to country music?
Every time the hear the word hoedown they think their sister's been shot.
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What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
my girlfriend who's a high school teacher heard this from a student the other day) Q: What do you call a cow with 3 legs? A: Lean Beef Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground Beef Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs? A: Your mom
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Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds.
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What is the best joke you have heard that was on the end of a Popsicle stick?
Here is mine: Q: Where do snowmen dance --------- A: At the snowball. Best joke at the end of a Popsicle stick
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What does a skeptic chemist say when he hears a baseless argument?
No lye?
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What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?
To catch a predator. Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5? Because they can't even! Why do white people have so many pets? Because owning people is not legal anymore Would love to hear more white people-specific jokes :) They seem to be really rare.
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Why can't you hear Django coming?
The D is silent.
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What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits?
A cud thud!
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What joke is the darkest?
Fire away please! I want to hear it all!
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Why do engineering students call themselves engineers?
You don't hear a law student call themselves a lawyer, or a gender studies student call themselves a barista.
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What do you call a deaf pokemon go player walking into traffic?
Anything you want they're not going to hear you.
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Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use a bathroom?
The p is silent.
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What did Goku say when he heard his wife listening to the song, "Fancy"?
Aye, Chi-Chi, Why?
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What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris?
He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise."
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What do you give an alligator who is having trouble hearing?
A gator-aid. Bet you did see that one coming:P
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Whats worse than having to break up with your Japanese girlfriend for the first time?
Her not hearing you, so you drop the bomb a 2nd time.
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Who wants to hear an appendectomy joke?
Removed
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Why did I rob the bank?
For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.
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What happened to the egg when it heard the joke?
It cracked.
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How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?
You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.
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What kind of fish will help you hear better ?
A herring aid !
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Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant?
He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.
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What did the deaf guy say to the blind guy?
I can't hear you, but I can see your point
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What do my dad and God have in common?
I've never seen or heard from either of them.
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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
He heard the ref was blowing fouls
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What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?
Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.
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What's the same between a smart blonde and a UFO?
You keep hearing about them, but you never see one
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What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?
He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.
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Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?
Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?
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Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?
Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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What did Tarzan say when he saw a heard of elephants?
Oh look! A heard of elephants.
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Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
Neither did he.
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Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?
They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.
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Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again
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What do you call a huge ugly slobbering furry monster with cotton wool in his ears?
Anything you like he can't hear you.
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Why did the hick move to a toxic waste dump after winning the lottery?
They heard it was a Superfund site.
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What did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine...?
I heard that he was fully re-covered.
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How do you spot a terrorist?
They'll freak out when they hear a helicopter
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What's the last thing you want to hear from a surgeon dissecting someone?
Oops
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What's the difference between CNN and Al-Jazeera?
CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing. (Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show) also "My favorite indie band is palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."
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How do you sell a dog to someone hard of hearing?
Get really close to their ear and shout, "DO YOU WANNA BUY A DOG "
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Why are Helium, Curium and Barium called the medical elements?
Because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium. (Heard it from Heimerdinger, League of Legends)
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Whats th first joke you remember hearing or that you told as a kid?
Mine is: What is the white stuff in bird poop? (That is also bird poop.) edit: til you can't edit the topic to fix spelling errors...
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Why Are Mexican &?
Black Jokes Overdone? Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!...I'm sorry, you can hate me if you wish. ;(
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Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it. A long list of viola jokes:
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What kind of beast is it you hear?
A duck. ... with hiccups.
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What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?
One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.
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What is the difference between a hormone and a protein?
You can't hear a protein. (Wait for it)
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Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world?
It was legend dairy.
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What's the best part about living in a black family?
You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost
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What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory?
You can hear a cough drop.
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What is your best casino joke?
I work in a casino and want to hear your best one. Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player? A canoe sometimes tips!
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Why didn't you answer me ?
Pupil: I did I shook my head Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you !
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How do you hear a hormone?
Pay $100 for 30 minutes
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Hey, wanna hear a joke?
Parsing HTML with regex.
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Why did Michael Jackson go to Macy's?
He heard boys' pants were half off.
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What do you call a Russian wearing a head scarf, a balaclava and a helmet?
Anything you want. He can't hear a thing.
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Why is the moon so bright?
Me: "It's not, it's pretty dim actually." Moon: "I heard that."
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Why do all Asian kids get straight A's?
Because the ones that don't are never heard from again. I'll be here all day folks.
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What's the difference between a church and a mosque?
In a church you see pew, pew pew. In a mosque you hear pew pew pew.
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What did Tony Abbott do when he heard Denmark had surplus wind power ?
Cut funding for wind power in Australia
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How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground?
The feel the leash go slack! (heard this one while listening to some irish tunes)
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What do you call a deaf dog?
It doesn't matter, it can't hear you anyway.
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Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.
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What did the cholo say when two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes!" My brother heard this on Tosh.
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Why did Hank Hill join an S&M club?
He heard they were Pro-Pain.
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What did the chicken say to the duck who was about to cross the road?
Don't do it, man, you'll never hear the end of it!"
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What do you call a geologist who can't hear?
Stone deaf...
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Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
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Why can't you hear a dog whistle?
Because they have a hard time puckering their lips the right way.
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Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint.
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Why did the vegetables invite the mushroom to their party?
They heard he was a fungi
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Where all my mustang drivers at?????
Last I heard, they're all headed to Portland
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What's the last sound you hear before a pube hits the floor?
tppppthh...."spit sound"
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What's the difference between a Mexican joke and a black joke?
Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal
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Want to hear a joke about construction?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
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How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
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What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
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What's a caterpillar afraid of?
A dogerpillar (Thank you Laffy Taffy for the worst best joke I've ever heard)
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Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
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Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?
They had a reptile dysfunction.
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Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?
push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you."
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
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How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.
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What they say: Want a bite of my sandwich?
What I hear: How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth
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What gets you a downvote?
Reposting an old joke that wasn't funny the first time. What gets you an upvote? Posting an original joke, or a funny joke I've heard before. What get's you 5 upvotes? Being
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Why did the snowman take his pants off?
He heard the snow blower was coming.
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What's a hippie's favorite animal?
An elk It has the E, the L, and the K. Would like to hear some more if you guys have any.
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What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends?
Hearing AIDS.
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What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?
ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...
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What did Vizzini say when he heard of your mom's abortion?
Inconceivable.
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Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.