Hit Jokes
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What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?
I'm just asking for a friend)
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Why do stormtroopers make good drivers?
They won't ever hit anything.
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What part hits the wall first?
The lawnmower.
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What do they call number 17 in black jack ?
The stepmother, because sometimes you want to hit her, even though you shouldn't
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Why don't we run through the parking lot?
me laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me Because it's dangerous
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Who's there ! Bruce ! Bruce who ?
I Bruce easily don't hit me !
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What do you get when you cross a motorcycle and a truck?
hit by a car.
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What's hit more balls than David Beckham's right foot?
Elton John's chin.
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What is the best thing to take when you're run over?
The number of the car that hit you.
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What did the fish say when he hit concrete?
Dam(n).
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What do you call a former CIA agent when a winter storm hits?
Snowed-in
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What do a cab driver and a cue ball have in common?
The harder you hit them ...the more english you get out.
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What does a fish say when he hits concrete?
Dam! A customer told me that joke, equipped with an " old guys rule" shirt and a hardy fist bump.
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Why did the kid punch the bed?
His mother told him to hit the hay.
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Where did Little Suzie go when the bomb hit?
Everywhere.
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Why did Johnny drop his ice cream?
Because he got hit by a truck!
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What did Chris Brown say to Rihanna the first time he saw her?
I'd hit it
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What happens when you get hit by a rental car?
It Hertz.
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Who hits the ground first?
Better question would be: Why were they in the tree in the first place?
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Why did Sally drop her ice cream while crossing the street?
She got hit by a Bus.
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What's green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?
A girl scout that got hit by a car.
-
What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?
Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.
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Why would you take a hammer to bed?
A: So you could hit the sack.
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Who's there ! Adolf ! Adolf who ?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth !
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What did the masochist say to the sadist?
Hit me.* What did the sadist say to the masochist *No.*
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Where was the pirate when he was hit in the crotch?
Menard's!
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What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common?
They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.
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What did the cow do when the farmer was about to hit him?
He mooved
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Why did the car swerve off the road?
It hit the chicken. Bazing!
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What did Norman Bates call his little sister?
You know you see it coming...) A: Psycho-sis! (I won't let the doorknob hit me on the way out..)
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Why don't you hit a Mexican kid who's riding a bike?
Because it's probably your bike
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What did Holly Holm say to Ronda Rousey's date to the Marine Corps Ball?
I hit that.
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Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*
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What is the difference between my car and Whitney Houston?
My car can hit 50.
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Why should a good driver always carry weed in his car?
So he always hits the green when he's driving.
-
What is the definition of torque?
When you wake up in the morning with an erection so stiff, that when you bend it down to take a leak, your legs kick back and you hit your head on the toilet.
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Why don't girls like playing dodgeball?
Because we don't like getting hit by balls. 12: *giggles for 5 minutes* You are so my child
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Why did the Chemist give up a singing career?
He could not hit any of the ketones.
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What did the man say after he was hit by the car?
Nothing. He was dead.
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Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks?
HE LET BISCOTTI HIT THE FLOOR
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What is the only thing standing between me and being rich?
I haven't hit Reddit gold yet.
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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
It's dangerous to hit a lightbulb with a bat.
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How do you stop a clown from laughing?
Hit it in the face with an axe.
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What has two legs and bleeds?
Half of your dog...I hit it with my car.
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Why are police officers bad at Billiards?
They hit eight ball first because it was black.
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What do physics majors do when they hit the club?
They torque it..
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Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work?
Well, it worked with the slaves.
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What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard?
Pillow fight.
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What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...
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How does Negan hit a home run?
With a Lucille Ball.
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How do you make a moth bawl?
Hit him with a fly swatter.
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What's the sound of a water truck hitting a vinegar truck?
KAAA DOOOUUCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay!
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What Daft Punk song is a hit amongst the hispanic community?
Juan more time!
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How can you make a moth ball ?
Hit it with a fly swatter.
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Why does Peter Pan fly?
Because if someone hit your peter with a pan, you'd fly too!!
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Why is your mom like a 360 noscope?
Cuz I wouldn't hit that.
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What's the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time!
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Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing?
A: He was striking a happy medium.
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What do you call an arcade game that involves you hitting avocados that pop out of the top of it?
Guac-A-Mole.
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What's the worst part of getting hit in the face with pie?
It's never ending.
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Why did the bus driver drop his coffee?
Because he hit a bump in the road. What was the bump in the road? Little Timmy.
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Why do black people get hit by cars more during winter time?
Because they're easier to spot
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How do you keep a clown from laughing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
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Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms. Knock Knock. Who's there? Definitely not Sally. Why did Jimmy drop his ice cream? He was hit by a truck Why didn't the truck turn out of the way? Sally Was driving
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Why did the armadillo cross the road?
It didn't, it made it halfway and then got hit by a truck.
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Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
He got hit by a bus
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Why did the pilot hit the Alps?
To get to the other side.
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What's the first rule for hitting on girls?
Hit them where it won't show.
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What does Lenin say when he his angry?
I will hit you so hard that it will leave a Marx.
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When you are hit in the... - ball boy https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=rMMFHcRSjR8
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Why couldn't the rocketeer hit her target?
Because they were too Phar-ah way. I'm not sorry.
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What's your favourite priest and a rabbi joke?
Been awhile since I've her some priest and a rabbi jokes. Hit me with your best one! Mine: a priest and a rabbi are waking down the street The priest asks " wanna screw some kids?" The rabbi replies "out if what?"
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What's green and hurts when it hits you in the eye?
A snooker table
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Why were the breakfast potatoes running around hitting each other?
HashTag!
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Why can't a dog clap in the middle of a movie?
Because it keeps hitting pause.
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When I'm dead, I'm going to haunt offices and say, "OooOoo... why are you using your mouse?
hit Control-C... you're taking forever..."
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Where'd my boomerang go?
Under there "Under where " Hahaha I just made you say "underwear" *boomerang hits me in the back of the head*
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What do a baseball and a Mexican have in common?
The harder you hit it the more English you get
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Why did the stick-figure man's arm keep hitting him in the face?
Because it was the punch line.
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Why don't women get hit by trains?
There is no railroad tracks between the living room and the kitchen.
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What should a teacher take if he's run down?
The number of the car that hit him.
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What do you call it when someone gets hit by a bus on his way to pay off his student loans?
Crippling debt! It's funny because he can't walk anymore!
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What did the golfer say to his buddy when he hit a bogey?
I guess you aren't up to par"
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What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?
They wanted to hit the high Cs.
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What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears?
Britney asked to be hit one more time..
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Why did the anvil hit the blacksmith instead?
Because it was irony.
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What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam.
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What is the difference between an abusive relationship and The Chainsmokers ?
Nothing, The hits keep coming
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Why is it called the "funny bone" when you hit your elbow on something and it tingles?
Because it's humerus.
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Why can't white people hit the whip?
Because slavery is over
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How do you discipline your pet rock?
You hit rock bottom!
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Why did the boy drop his icecream?
He was hit by a truck.
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What do you call a bunch of pro wrestlers hitting each other with blocks of cheddar and wheels of gouda?
Battle Royale with cheese.
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What type of dinosaurs roamed the Mediterranean before the asteroid hit?
Falafel Raptors. (sorry)
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What do you get when you cross a busy road with a broken leg and a blindfold?
Hit.
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Why did Little Johnny drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a truck...
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Why did Kevin's Ice cream fall down?
Because he was hit by a truck
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What's the difference between Ray Charles and Ray Rice?
Ray Charles wasn't a one-hit wonder.
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What do you call a cow that got hit by a car?
moo-tilated.
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Why did the astronomer hit himself on the head in the afternoon?
He wanted to see stars during the day.
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Why did the train get hit by lighting?
Because of the conductor.
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Why doesn't Rihanna smoke weed anymore?
Because she's taken enough hits.
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What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?
Gluten Tag And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread Flour power And when a lot of people do it at the same time a rye-ot
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What is red and hangs around trees?
A baby hit by a snow blower
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Why does Reddit love Ronda Rousey so much?
she hits women
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What did the cat say to the human after being hit with a baseball bat?
Nothing. Cats don't freaking talk.
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What does a cab driver have in common with a pool cue ball?
The harder you hit them, the more english you get out.
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Why did the Redditors like when a tornado hit a fence?
There was a lot of reposting to do
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When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building which one hits the pavement first?
A: Who cares!
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Why did the baby cross the road?
It didn't hit the car's windshield.
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How can you tell if she is virgin or not?
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.
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Why are ships' portholes round?
So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
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Why should you never hit people with violins?
Because violins is not the answer...
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Why did the music industry talent scout take a course in game programming?
He thought it would help him with his hit detection.
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What would LMFAO's hit song be called if they were Russian?
I'm Slavic and I know it"
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Why is it good news that Aroldis Chapman moved to the Yankees?
Because pitchers don't hit in the American League!
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How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling!
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Why didn't you check your speedometer?
Driver: It broke when I hit 100.
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What do the lady reindeer do on Christmas eve?
They hit the town and blow a few bucks.
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Why are cops so bad at pool?
Because they can't resist hitting the black ball.
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What are the loud, metal things that the Japanese hit?
American ships.
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What does Joaquin Phoenix say when a car almost hits him?
Hey! I'm Joaquin here!
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What did the drifter say to the person he hit ?
RIP my E-brake
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What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?
You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...
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What did the dog take when he was run down?
The license number of the car that hit him.
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What did the homeless men yell when they hit each other with cardboard?
Pillow fight!
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What's addicting?
The sound an erection makes when it hits a cymbal.
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What did the cow say when she got hit by a car?
Moo." What did the cow saw when she fell into a ditch? "Moo." What did the cow say when she fell onto the electric fence? "Moo." What did the cow say when she got hit by a train? "Why does everything always happen to meeee?" Protip: My dad wrote this joke for me when I was six.
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What did they say about the blind man who got hit by a bus?
He never saw it coming.
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What do you call a walrus that's been hit by a bus?
Dead.
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What's the worst part of an NFL wedding?
Getting hit by Rice
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Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer?
Because you said it was pound cake!
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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot before he hits the water.
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What snooker and women have in common?
When pink is blocked by red, you hit the brown.
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What does Chris Brown tell his friends when he sees Rihanna at a party?
I hit that.
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Why are all Blackberry workers so bad at basketball?
Because the always hit the RIM!
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What did the Moderate Moslem say before hitting a guy for criticizing his religion?
It's alright, reddit'll say this had nothing to do Islam.
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What did the toilet say when he was hitting on another toilet?
On a scale from one to ten, urinate.
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What's black and white and red allover?
My dalmatian after being hit by a car
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What's the difference between LSD and my dad?
LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.
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What did the leopard say when it ate the man?
A: That hit the spot.
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What is big and red and rolls over in the snow?
Santa Claus hit in the balls!
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What do you call the small amount of time between when you slip on a peel and when you hit the pavement?
A bananosecond
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How is digging fence post holes like being the mayor of Toronto?
It goes pretty smoothly until you start hitting the rock.
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Why did the boy drop his Ice Cream?
A: He was hit by a bus
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Why did the baby drop its rattle?
It got hit by a truck
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What sound does Korean bread make when it hits a wall?
Bang! (!)
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What's going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago. Me: Wow! New record.
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What's worse than getting rejected by an attractive stranger?
Getting hit on by an ugly stranger.
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What happened when the 26th letter of the alphabet hit puberty?
She got a Zebra.
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What do you call The Dynamic Duo after they got hit by a steamroller?
Flatman and Ribbon
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What are we supposed to do about it?
Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."
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What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam.
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What's the difference between a watermelon and a baby?
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other one is a watermelon.
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How are your step mother and a 17 in the card game 21 similar?
You know you can't but you really want to hit it.
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What's the last sound you hear before a pube hits the floor?
tppppthh...."spit sound"
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Why is 17 called the "mother-in-law" in black jack?
Because you wanna hit it, but sometimes you cant.
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Why did the boy drop his ice cream cone?
He got hit by a bus!
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How do you get a clown off of its unicycle?
Hit it in the face with a pickaxe.
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What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with garbage bags?
A Pillow Fight
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Why didn't Harry Potter want to date Hermione?
Because he likes to Hit it and Quidditch
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What is the worst thing about getting hit in the face with PI?
It never ends.
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Where did little Lisa go after she got hit by a truck?
Everywhere.
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What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a car windscreen?
Its arse.
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Why are all Stormtroopers virgins?
Because they don't hit anything.
-
Why did the little boy drop his icecream?
Because he got hit by a car
-
How many points do you get if you hit a golfer?
Fore.
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Why is Facebook such a hit?
It works on the principle that People are more interested in others life than their own'.
-
What's the difference between Elton John's chin and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods hasn't hit as many balls.
-
Why is your face all scratched ?
My girlfriend said it with flowers. How romantic. Not really she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses !
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What did the robot hit-man say to his robot victim?
Nothing personal."
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How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty?
She kept wetting the bed.
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Whats the difference between a North Korean missile and a K-Pop singer?
The singer can have a hit
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What did the poop say to the pee when he was hitting on her?
I may be a two but your an eight..
-
How many Mexicans does it take to wax a car?
1 if you hit him just right
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Why did little Dan dropped his ice cream?
He was hit by a buss
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Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?
Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?
-
What's round and black and blue?
A blueberry that occasionally gets hit by her husband
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What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard?
Pillow fight
-
What's the difference between fog and mist?
If you hit it its fog, if you don't it's mist.
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What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off?
I'll get you next slime!
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What sound does a pubic hair make right before it hits the floor?
Ptui"
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What is someone who takes drugs?
What is someone who drinks What hit you in the face last night
-
What do a cue ball and a mexican have in common?
The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.
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How is a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit 'em, the more English you get out of them.
-
What is Apple's favorite song?
Hit the Road Jack"
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Why did the masochist STOP hitting himself on the head with a hammer ?
Because it hurt.
-
Why do we hit things when they don't work?
Because it worked with slavery
-
What did the recent KKK hit-and-run victim order at Starbucks?
A flat white.
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What does a Mexican have in common with a cue ball?
The harder you hit em' the more English you get outta em'!
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What did the tailor do after she got hit by the lawyer's car?
Sewed him
-
What does a terrorist and a cue ball have in common?
The harder you hit them the more english you get.
-
What's the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots but can't hit, and the other...
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What's the difference between U-Haul and Youtube?
People are'nt happy for you when you get loads of hits on your U-Haul.
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How do you get a clown off a swing?
hit him in the face with an Axe
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Whats the last thing that goes through a fly's brain before it hits my car windshield?
Its arse.
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What did Apply say to the iPhone 7?
Hit the road, Jack.
-
Why did Jimmy drop his icecream?
He got hit by a bus!
-
What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target?
Of course, I'm shuriken.
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Why was the baseball player arrested?
He was involved in a hit-and-run.
-
Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?
Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.
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What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth control pill?
A trip without the kids.
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What's the worst thing you can do when posting a joke?
Accidentally hit submit before you
-
Why was the mushroom a hit at parties?
Because he was a
-
Why did the WTC get hit by Terrorist?
They didn't get hit by Terrorists.
-
What animal is best at hitting a baseball?
A bat!
-
Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
-
Why did Chris Brown stop having long-term relationships?
He wanted 2 hit singles
-
Why did the little girl drop her ice cream?
She got hit by a bus. Sequel: Why did the little girl's sister drop her ice cream Someone threw a fridge at her.
-
What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
-
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is a watermelon.
-
How did the french guy feel when he got hit by a piece of bread?
He felt pain.
-
What sound do two photons make when they hit each other?
Planck!*
-
What hits the ground first?
The apple because the black man was stopped by a noose.
-
Why did you hit me with your chair?
Me: Because my desk is too heavy.
-
What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal ?
That hit the spots !
-
What sound does a fratboy make when he hits the water?
DOUCHE
-
What do you call the boss hit by a shrink ray?
Micromanagement!
-
What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with pieces of cardboard?
A pillow fight
-
How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
-
What happened to the tree when the lumber jack hit on it?
It got all sappy
-
Why are there no Chuck Norris knock-knock jokes?
Because Chuck only has to hit the door ONCE.
-
What's the difference between a masochist and a blogger?
There's none, both live for the hits.
-
How did the blind skydiver know he was about to hit the ground?
He felt the slack in his dog's leash.
-
How did I avoid getting hit by a Wfay?
I got the f out of the way.
-
How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don't- ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
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What's the difference between mayonnaise and sperm?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back if my girlfriend's throat at 60 miles per hour.
-
What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?
It's rear end!
-
What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common?
the harder you hit 'em the more english you get
-
What did the insect say when he saw a gnat get hit?
He did gnat see that coming"
-
What do you call a Vietcong that's been hit by napalm?
Charlie Brown
-
What's the only animal that can't get hit in the head?
Duck.
-
What did the sadist say when the masochist said "Hit me"?
No."
-
Who writes hit musicals on the Internet?
Andrew Lloyd Webber.
-
What did the NSA agent say when the blizzard hit?
What did the NSA agent say when the blizzard hit? Looks like we're snowed in.
-
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
Hit him in the face with an axe
-
What do you call a hippopotamus that's a gigalo?
A hit-the-spotimus.
-
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a bus
-
What do people and trees have in common?
They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
-
Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
-
Why did the kid drop his ice cream?
Because the bus hit him.
-
What did Ray Rice say the first time he met his girlfriend?
Dayuum. I'd hit that."
-
What do you do when you want to golf in a thunderstorm?
Hold up a 1 Iron. Not even God can hit a 1 iron.
-
How do you hit 20 flies in one shot?
Hit an Ethiopian in the head with a frying pan.
-
What did the divers find the sunken Korean ferry had hit?
Malaysia Airlines Flight 370
-
What do you call an Asian person that is hit by a car?
Hood orient
-
What do you do when you hear a woman got hit by a car?
Wonder how the hell a car got into the kitchen
-
What do you call a cow that gets hit by a car?
A dead cow! (My 5-year old made up this joke)
-
What's a stoners favorite word?
Here! (Must be said like you are holding a hit in)
-
How's a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit it the more English it picks up!
-
How do you stop a lawyer from drownng?
Shoot him before he hits the ground
-
What do Paul Walker and Pink Flyod have in common?
Their last hit was the wall
-
Why was the storm trooper such a good dad?
He could never hit his kids.
-
Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law leaving I don't have to take this
-
What do you call two homeless men hitting each other with cardboard?
Pillow fight
-
What did one computer CPU say to the other after getting hit?
Ow! That megahertz!
-
Why was Fernando Alonso upside down?
Because he Haas been hit!
-
Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
-
Why couldn't the chicken cross the road?
Because he got hit by a car.
-
How Many Running Backs Does It Take To Turn On A Light?
Two. One to find the switch...the other to hit it.
-
Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit?
WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.
-
Why is that frisbee getting bigger?
Then it hits me.
-
What's green and lays in a ditch while covered in cookie crumbs?
The Girl Scout that got hit by a car.
-
What do you call a chicken with no neck?
A Hic. ----- wife hit me with this one today. Remove the n. E. C. And k. From chicken and it spells hic. I'm sorry Reddit.
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Why did the boy drip his ice cream?
He got hit by a bus.
-
What's the difference between a golfball and a woman's 'G' spot?
A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball... Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball...
-
What's the difference between a wide receiver and Ray Rice's wife?
The NFL will review the tape of the wide receiver getting hit
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Who, dad?
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
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What's the difference between a refreshing beverage and an angry dragon?
One hits the spot...
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What is not allowed in the ring, but boxers do every night?
Hit the sack.
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Why are asteroids so strong when they hit the planet?
Because they take a steroid.
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What's a Latin professor's favorite song?
Hit the quam
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How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me Adam Levine: Practice.
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What did the umpire say when Randy Johnson hit a bird with his pitch?
Fowl ball.
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Why didn't the little girl finish her lollipop?
She was hit by a bus
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I got hit in the head by a soda can, but it didn't hurt that much...
It was a soft drink.
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Why was the Chinese Journey cover band a failure?
Their only hit was Don't Stop Bereaving.