Horse Jokes
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Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back?
They're always switching their tails!
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How do you make a horse fast?
You take away his food.
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What does the horse call the pigs on his farm?
Neigh-boars.
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How do jockeys stay on their horses?
Jockey straps.
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Why do horses make terrible congressmen?
Because they can only say "neigh!" I wish this was a joke made up by my 7 year old cousin, but she's imaginary.
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Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
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What person strives to ensure safety for horses?
Ralph Neighder!
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What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses ?
If one bit you you could ride it to hospital !
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Why don't the Amish waterski?
The horses would drown. Ba-dum TISH
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What do you call it when a horse punches you really hard?
A neigh-maker
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What did the horse say to the other horse?
Hay,I thought you knew horses couldn't speak!
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What do you call a horse who disagrees with you?
Glue.
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How do you get down off a horse?
You don't, you get down off a duck.
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How much power does it take to move a tank?
A horse
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What do you call a horse that has been kicked out of his house?
Unstable
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Why are horses so negative?
Because they're nay sayers.
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What's the difference between a horse and a 13 year old boy?
The horse knows when I'm grooming him.
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Why did the horse go behind the tree?
To change his jockeys.
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What do horses drink at the bar?
Chardon-neigh
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Why did the horse get a DUI?
She had too many maretinis
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What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse?
An horse.
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What has four legs and is made out of wood?
A horse.
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Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?
He was always horsing around.
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What do you call a horse that's thinking of home?
Mentally in-stable.
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What's the favorite color of horses?
Horse rddish.
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Why is the Mississippi so wide?
Because Mr. Sippi is hung like a horse.
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What do you get when you cross a horse with a pig?
Sarah Jessica Porker
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What disease do horses fear most?
Hay Fever!
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What did the bartender say to the horse?
bartender: Why the long face Horse: My alcoholism is destroying my family.
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What did the horse say to whinnie the pooh while watching his t.v. show?
I wish I could hear you whinnie.
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What did the horse say when he fell down?
I've fallen and I can't giddyup.
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What is it called when you ride around on a horse asking people questions?
A gallop poll.
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What do you call a boar that sounds like a horse ?
Neighbor
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What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow?
A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night !
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What happens when a bull and a horse go to a bar?
They get BUCKED up!
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What has two heads, four eyes, six legs, and a tail?
A: A horse and rider.
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What do you call the area where a horse lives?
The NEIGHHHHHHborhood
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How do you know if a woman is hot for you?
When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.
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What do you call a horse with a broken leg?
Worthless
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Why did the horse run into the bar?
He didn't jump high enough.
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How do you call a jockey falling from his horse ?
An Hippic fail.
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What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon.
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Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye!
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What if horses rode horses?
And then THOSE horses rode MORE horses Then it's like, whoa dude! Check out that big stack of horses!
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What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
One goes quick and the other goes quack!
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Why are horses never overweight?
They're on a stable diet.
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How do you hire a horse?
Put a brick under each hoof!
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What duo were famous for stealing horses?
Bonnie and Clydesdale!
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What do you call a horse who likes to carry all the groceries?
A one trip pony :D
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What race of horses is the most popular on Pandora?
Neightiri.
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What do you call a lawmaker in a society ruled by horses that says one thing but does the opposite?
A hippocratic hypocrite.
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What do you call a horse at night?
A Nightmare
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Why do you wear riding boots?
You don't ride horses. Me: Why do you wear sneakers You don't sneak.
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What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?
A zebra!
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What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill?
It bucked!
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What do horses hope for on election day?
A stable economy
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Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular?
Cause horses are rubbish at drawing
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Who did the breeder call when his horse was possessed by an evil spirit?
An exhorsist!
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How do you get down from a horse?
You don't. You get down from a duck.
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What's the difference between a horse?
The orange has handlebars
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Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
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What do you call a mummy on a horse?
A knight in Charmin armor.
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When you go for a bus ride do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs?
I prefer to ride on top but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.
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What is the difference between a Texan and a redneck?
Texans tend to ride horses whereas rednecks ride their cousins. -American Sniper
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Why did the Polish government have to finally ban water-polo throughout the country?
Too many horses were drowning.
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What would happen if black widow spiders were as big as horses?
A: If one bit you, you could ride it to the hospital.
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What's your spirit animal?
An eagle. They're so majestic." MEANWHILE Horse: hey eagle, what's your spirit human Eagle: this guy Dave
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Why can't horses vote?
Cause their answer is always 'nay'. I'm sorry, I'll leave...
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What does ever horse and rider do at the same time?
Grow old!
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What do you call it when two terrorists are horsing around on the radio?
Talibanter
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What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?
A: A hobby horse.
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What dog rides a horse named Macaroni?
Yankee poodle!
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What kind of television do horses like?
A: Saddle-lite TV
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Who are the biggest nay-sayers on Earth?
Horses
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What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey?
How're ye gettin' on
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Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?
Because they're all in relationships!
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What did the horse get on his oral exam?
A-neigh
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What happened to the horse that ate a duracell battery?
He went on furlong-er.
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Why the long face ?
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender: why the long face ? Horse: because I'm a raging alcoholic.
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How'd he do it?
The horses name was Friday.
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What do you call the horse than lives next door?
A neighbour!
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What do you call a horse that is on fire?
Neighpalm
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What do Dothraki use to count their horses?
A Khalculator
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What cheese do you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone!
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What do you get when you cross a canyon with a horse?
I don't know nobody has ever made it across.
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Why did the horse feel famous on Reddit?
He was gelded.
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What did the horse say when he fell over?
Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up."
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Why did they have to stop playing water-polo in Poland?
All the horses drowned
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Why was the man sued by his horse?
For palomino-money!
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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start off with a large fortune!
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What makes cows and horses so valuable?
They have a lot of moo/neigh.
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Why was Roy Rogers upset when he fell off his horse?
He wanted a Trigger warning.
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How do you get a horse out of jail?
Hay bail.
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Why was the horse all charged up?
It ate some haywire!
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What do you do when a horse breaks down?
Call triple neighhh!
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What do you call a horse that's a criminal?
A Zebra.
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What do you call a stripper donkey?
A Horse.
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Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof?
Because he wanted to feel his oats!
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Why did the farmer call his horse Baseball?
Because it's covered with horsehide!
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What couple rode a horse up a hill to fetch a pail of water?
Jockey and Jill!
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What's a horses favourite condiment?
Mayonneighs
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Why was the Queen of Horses hated by her subjects?
Because she was too ahoof.
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What kind of operating system do horses use?
None. Horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter.
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What did the horse say when he regained his vision?
Merci.
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Why did the horse stumble?
He was de-stable-ized.
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What branch of the military are horses in?
The NaaaaayyyVY
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What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse?
The ground!
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Which horse runs the city?
The mare, of course
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What does a Muslim cowboy shout on his horse?
Jee hawd!!!!!!!!!!
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Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?
In a stable environment. Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.
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What do you call a horse that plays the violin?
Fiddler on the hoof!
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Why can't horses fix merry go rounds?
They'd be terrified
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Why don't gelding horses like to race?
Because every time they go to the starting gate they're reminded "They're Off!".
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What do you get when you cross a poisonous snake with a horse?
A: I dunno, but if it bites you, you can ride it to the hospital!
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What did the horse say when it walked into the bar?
ouch..."
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What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?
A seehorse.
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Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
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What do you call a horse that's been all around the world?
A globe-trotter!
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What do you call a horse that makes bad jokes?
Unicorny
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How do you go about hiring a horse?
Try two pairs of stilts!
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What do you call a horse who goes freerunning?
Sarah Jessica Parkour
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How did the instructor try to make horse riding enjoyable?
He tried to stirrup some interest!
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Where should I put this horse?
When she tells you, say no
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What actor do horses like the most?
Matthew McConaug-hay
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How did horses get to America in the 1700's?
On the Hayflower!
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What did the mountain climber name his horse?
Everest. Any time he is bored I see him Mount Everest.
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What do ghosts like about riding horses?
Ghoulloping.
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Why did the boy stand behind the horse?
He thought he might get a kick out of it!
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Why don't Amish people water ski?
Because their horses would drown.
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Why do women love men who work with Horses?
Because those men have got Stable jobs.
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What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ?
A horse !
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Why do the horses hate the jockey?
Because he's a horse racist.
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What did Keanu Reeves say to slow down his horse?
Whoa.
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What's a camel?
A horse made by committee.
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What do you call a horse getting carried away with a magic marker?
A zebra.
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Why do they call a horse a horse?
Because they speak English.
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How many Dornishmen does it take to shoe a horse?
Nine. One to do the shoeing, and eight to lift up the horse!
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What did the cow say to the horse?
Mooooooo
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What did Paul Revere say when he got on his horse?
Giddy up horsey !
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What do call a horse that lives near you?
A neighbor (naybor for pessimist horses)
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How do you tell when a girl really wants you?
When you put your hand down her pants you think you're feeding a horse.
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What's as big as a horse but weighs nothing?
A horses shadow!
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Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?
He was a rough rider!
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What's the difference between a horse and a zebra?
A lawyer.
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Which side of a horse has the most hair?
The OUTSIDE! oh-my-goodness, that's hilarious! Skip
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Why are horses poor dancers?
A: They have two left feet.
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What do you call someone that lives next a horse?
Their neighbor
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Who is a cow and horses favorite artist ?
Moo Nay !
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How do you lead a horse to water?
With carrots
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Why did the horse fail German?
Because he could only say, "neighn!"
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What's up with that horse?
sees a giraffe for the first time Okay, what the hell is going on today
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What has four legs and see just as well from either end?
A horse with his eyes closed!
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What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.
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What kind of horse has trouble keeping track of his Macintosh?
An Appaloosa!
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Why did the horse miss the joust?
He had the knight off!
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What does a horse and kryptonite have in common?
They both paralyze superman
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Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job?
What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses
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What did the horse say to Santa?
Nothing, horses can not speak.
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Where did the Knights of the Round Table park their horses?
In the Sir Lance Lot
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Why did the horse get a divorce?
It didn't have a stable relationship.
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What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air ?
A seahorse !
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What do you call a horse that lives next to you?
A Neigh-bor. Sorry for my horrible dad joke.
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What do you call the horse that lives next door?
Your NEIGHHHbor Credit: 6y/o nephew
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Why did the man call his horse Fleabag?
Because he was often scratched!
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What do you get when you cross a horse, an elephant, and a rhino?
Helephino.