Horse Jokes

  • Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back?

    They're always switching their tails!

  • How do you make a horse fast?

    You take away his food.

  • What does the horse call the pigs on his farm?


  • How do jockeys stay on their horses?

    Jockey straps.

  • Why do horses make terrible congressmen?

    Because they can only say "neigh!" I wish this was a joke made up by my 7 year old cousin, but she's imaginary.

  • Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?

    A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

  • What person strives to ensure safety for horses?

    Ralph Neighder!

  • What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses ?

    If one bit you you could ride it to hospital !

  • Why don't the Amish waterski?

    The horses would drown. Ba-dum TISH

  • What do you call it when a horse punches you really hard?

    A neigh-maker

  • What did the horse say to the other horse?

    Hay,I thought you knew horses couldn't speak!

  • What do you call a horse who disagrees with you?


  • How do you get down off a horse?

    You don't, you get down off a duck.

  • How much power does it take to move a tank?

    A horse

  • What do you call a horse that has been kicked out of his house?


  • Why are horses so negative?

    Because they're nay sayers.

  • What's the difference between a horse and a 13 year old boy?

    The horse knows when I'm grooming him.

  • Why did the horse go behind the tree?

    To change his jockeys.

  • What do horses drink at the bar?


  • Why did the horse get a DUI?

    She had too many maretinis

  • What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse?

    An horse.

  • What has four legs and is made out of wood?

    A horse.

  • Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?

    He was always horsing around.

  • What do you call a horse that's thinking of home?

    Mentally in-stable.

  • What's the favorite color of horses?

    Horse rddish.

  • Why is the Mississippi so wide?

    Because Mr. Sippi is hung like a horse.

  • What do you get when you cross a horse with a pig?

    Sarah Jessica Porker

  • What disease do horses fear most?

    Hay Fever!

  • What did the bartender say to the horse?

    bartender: Why the long face Horse: My alcoholism is destroying my family.

  • What did the horse say to whinnie the pooh while watching his t.v. show?

    I wish I could hear you whinnie.

  • What did the horse say when he fell down?

    I've fallen and I can't giddyup.

  • What is it called when you ride around on a horse asking people questions?

    A gallop poll.

  • What do you call a boar that sounds like a horse ?


  • What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow?

    A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night !

  • What happens when a bull and a horse go to a bar?

    They get BUCKED up!

  • What has two heads, four eyes, six legs, and a tail?

    A: A horse and rider.

  • What do you call the area where a horse lives?

    The NEIGHHHHHHborhood

  • How do you know if a woman is hot for you?

    When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.

  • What do you call a horse with a broken leg?


  • Why did the horse run into the bar?

    He didn't jump high enough.

  • How do you call a jockey falling from his horse ?

    An Hippic fail.

  • What sound do dogs make?

    3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon.

  • Why is horse racing so romantic?

    Because the horse hugs the rails the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye!

  • What if horses rode horses?

    And then THOSE horses rode MORE horses Then it's like, whoa dude! Check out that big stack of horses!

  • What is the difference between a horse and a duck?

    One goes quick and the other goes quack!

  • Why are horses never overweight?

    They're on a stable diet.

  • How do you hire a horse?

    Put a brick under each hoof!

  • What duo were famous for stealing horses?

    Bonnie and Clydesdale!

  • What do you call a horse who likes to carry all the groceries?

    A one trip pony :D

  • What race of horses is the most popular on Pandora?


  • What do you call a lawmaker in a society ruled by horses that says one thing but does the opposite?

    A hippocratic hypocrite.

  • What do you call a horse at night?

    A Nightmare

  • Why do you wear riding boots?

    You don't ride horses. Me: Why do you wear sneakers You don't sneak.

  • What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?

    A zebra!

  • What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill?

    It bucked!

  • What do horses hope for on election day?

    A stable economy

  • Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular?

    Cause horses are rubbish at drawing

  • Who did the breeder call when his horse was possessed by an evil spirit?

    An exhorsist!

  • How do you get down from a horse?

    You don't. You get down from a duck.

  • What's the difference between a horse?

    The orange has handlebars

  • Why did the cowboy ride his horse?

    Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

  • What do you call a mummy on a horse?

    A knight in Charmin armor.

  • When you go for a bus ride do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs?

    I prefer to ride on top but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.

  • What is the difference between a Texan and a redneck?

    Texans tend to ride horses whereas rednecks ride their cousins. -American Sniper

  • Why did the Polish government have to finally ban water-polo throughout the country?

    Too many horses were drowning.

  • What would happen if black widow spiders were as big as horses?

    A: If one bit you, you could ride it to the hospital.

  • What's your spirit animal?

    An eagle. They're so majestic." MEANWHILE Horse: hey eagle, what's your spirit human Eagle: this guy Dave

  • Why can't horses vote?

    Cause their answer is always 'nay'. I'm sorry, I'll leave...

  • What does ever horse and rider do at the same time?

    Grow old!

  • What do you call it when two terrorists are horsing around on the radio?


  • What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?

    A: A hobby horse.

  • What dog rides a horse named Macaroni?

    Yankee poodle!

  • What kind of television do horses like?

    A: Saddle-lite TV

  • Who are the biggest nay-sayers on Earth?


  • What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey?

    How're ye gettin' on

  • Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?

    Because they're all in relationships!

  • What did the horse get on his oral exam?


  • What happened to the horse that ate a duracell battery?

    He went on furlong-er.

  • Why the long face ?

    A horse walks into a bar. Bartender: why the long face ? Horse: because I'm a raging alcoholic.

  • How'd he do it?

    The horses name was Friday.

  • What do you call the horse than lives next door?

    A neighbour!

  • What do you call a horse that is on fire?


  • What do Dothraki use to count their horses?

    A Khalculator

  • What cheese do you use to hide a horse?


  • What do you get when you cross a canyon with a horse?

    I don't know nobody has ever made it across.

  • Why did the horse feel famous on Reddit?

    He was gelded.

  • What did the horse say when he fell over?

    Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up."

  • Why did they have to stop playing water-polo in Poland?

    All the horses drowned

  • Why was the man sued by his horse?

    For palomino-money!

  • How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

    Start off with a large fortune!

  • What makes cows and horses so valuable?

    They have a lot of moo/neigh.

  • Why was Roy Rogers upset when he fell off his horse?

    He wanted a Trigger warning.

  • How do you get a horse out of jail?

    Hay bail.

  • Why was the horse all charged up?

    It ate some haywire!

  • What do you do when a horse breaks down?

    Call triple neighhh!

  • What do you call a horse that's a criminal?

    A Zebra.

  • What do you call a stripper donkey?

    A Horse.

  • Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof?

    Because he wanted to feel his oats!

  • Why did the farmer call his horse Baseball?

    Because it's covered with horsehide!

  • What couple rode a horse up a hill to fetch a pail of water?

    Jockey and Jill!

  • What's a horses favourite condiment?


  • Why was the Queen of Horses hated by her subjects?

    Because she was too ahoof.

  • What kind of operating system do horses use?

    None. Horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter.

  • What did the horse say when he regained his vision?


  • Why did the horse stumble?

    He was de-stable-ized.

  • What branch of the military are horses in?

    The NaaaaayyyVY

  • What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse?

    The ground!

  • Which horse runs the city?

    The mare, of course

  • What does a Muslim cowboy shout on his horse?

    Jee hawd!!!!!!!!!!

  • Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?

    In a stable environment. Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

  • What do you call a horse that plays the violin?

    Fiddler on the hoof!

  • Why can't horses fix merry go rounds?

    They'd be terrified

  • Why don't gelding horses like to race?

    Because every time they go to the starting gate they're reminded "They're Off!".

  • What do you get when you cross a poisonous snake with a horse?

    A: I dunno, but if it bites you, you can ride it to the hospital!

  • What did the horse say when it walked into the bar?


  • What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

    A seehorse.

  • Why are horses no fun?

    Because they are neigh-sayers

  • What do you call a horse that's been all around the world?

    A globe-trotter!

  • What do you call a horse that makes bad jokes?


  • How do you go about hiring a horse?

    Try two pairs of stilts!

  • What do you call a horse who goes freerunning?

    Sarah Jessica Parkour

  • How did the instructor try to make horse riding enjoyable?

    He tried to stirrup some interest!

  • Where should I put this horse?

    When she tells you, say no

  • What actor do horses like the most?

    Matthew McConaug-hay

  • How did horses get to America in the 1700's?

    On the Hayflower!

  • What did the mountain climber name his horse?

    Everest. Any time he is bored I see him Mount Everest.

  • What do ghosts like about riding horses?


  • Why did the boy stand behind the horse?

    He thought he might get a kick out of it!

  • Why don't Amish people water ski?

    Because their horses would drown.

  • Why do women love men who work with Horses?

    Because those men have got Stable jobs.

  • What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ?

    A horse !

  • Why do the horses hate the jockey?

    Because he's a horse racist.

  • What did Keanu Reeves say to slow down his horse?


  • What's a camel?

    A horse made by committee.

  • What do you call a horse getting carried away with a magic marker?

    A zebra.

  • Why do they call a horse a horse?

    Because they speak English.

  • How many Dornishmen does it take to shoe a horse?

    Nine. One to do the shoeing, and eight to lift up the horse!

  • What did the cow say to the horse?


  • What did Paul Revere say when he got on his horse?

    Giddy up horsey !

  • What do call a horse that lives near you?

    A neighbor (naybor for pessimist horses)

  • How do you tell when a girl really wants you?

    When you put your hand down her pants you think you're feeding a horse.

  • What's as big as a horse but weighs nothing?

    A horses shadow!

  • Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?

    He was a rough rider!

  • What's the difference between a horse and a zebra?

    A lawyer.

  • Which side of a horse has the most hair?

    The OUTSIDE! oh-my-goodness, that's hilarious! Skip

  • Why are horses poor dancers?

    A: They have two left feet.

  • What do you call someone that lives next a horse?

    Their neighbor

  • Who is a cow and horses favorite artist ?

    Moo Nay !

  • How do you lead a horse to water?

    With carrots

  • Why did the horse fail German?

    Because he could only say, "neighn!"

  • What's up with that horse?

    sees a giraffe for the first time Okay, what the hell is going on today

  • What has four legs and see just as well from either end?

    A horse with his eyes closed!

  • What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?

    A: Bach in the saddle again.

  • What kind of horse has trouble keeping track of his Macintosh?

    An Appaloosa!

  • Why did the horse miss the joust?

    He had the knight off!

  • What does a horse and kryptonite have in common?

    They both paralyze superman

  • Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job?

    What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses

  • What did the horse say to Santa?

    Nothing, horses can not speak.

  • Where did the Knights of the Round Table park their horses?

    In the Sir Lance Lot

  • Why did the horse get a divorce?

    It didn't have a stable relationship.

  • What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air ?

    A seahorse !

  • What do you call a horse that lives next to you?

    A Neigh-bor. Sorry for my horrible dad joke.

  • What do you call the horse that lives next door?

    Your NEIGHHHbor Credit: 6y/o nephew

  • Why did the man call his horse Fleabag?

    Because he was often scratched!

  • What do you get when you cross a horse, an elephant, and a rhino?