House Jokes
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Where can I donate to the American Red Cross?
I would like to help with house #7.
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How many Apple Geniuses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, we just swap out your whole house
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Why is New Jersey called the Garden State?
Cause you're always guardin' your wallet, guardin' your car, and guardin' your house.
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What's the name of that German guy that keeps hiding my stuff around the house?
Alzheimer, Grandma.
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What did the Mexican say when the house fell on him?
Ayyyy watch it homes!
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What disease did the house have?
Shingles.
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What the hell is this REstraining Order?
I never even got a Straining Order I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.
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What does Joe Biden say as he is leaving his house?
Biden
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How do you know if a Chinese man has robbed your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later, he's still trying to back out of your driveway.
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Why can kangaroos jump higher than a house?
Because a house can't jump.
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Why is a ghost like an empty house?
Because there's no body there!
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What's the difference between former House Speakers Hastert and Pelosi?
Pelosi helped little boys. Hastert banged little boys.
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Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.
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What's black, and breaks into houses?
A wrecking ball
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What do you get if you play a C&W song backwards?
Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.
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How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 to hold the bulb in place and 100 to spin the house around it.
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How do I stay in shape?
I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?
I told her that drinks were on the house
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Why are orphans bad at poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is
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What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down?
He fell on his ash.
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How does a Mexican build a house?
Juan nail at a time.
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What's the best part of two lesbians marrying?
Two cooks in the house.
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Why couldn't the Italian get into his house?
Because he had gnocchi.
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What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?
Mortgage freeman.
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How do you know that an Asian has robbed your house?
Your mailbox is missing!
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How can you tell if a hippie has been at your house?
He's still there.
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Who's there ! Alistair ! Alistair who ?
Alistairs in this house are broken !
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What kind of house is easiest to pick up?
A: A light house.
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How do you get an Aussie to climb up on the roof?
Tell him drinks are on the house.
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What did the cholo say when two houses fell on top of him?
Get off me homes!
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What happened to the Christian family when they didn't pay their exorcist?
THEIR HOUSE GOT REPOSSESSED!
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What is the one smell you can never get out of the house, no matter what you spray or what incense you burn?
Your grandparents.
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What do hand grenades and wives have in common?
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
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What did the blind man say when he was asked what he thought about the renovation plan of his house?
I don't know.. I just don't see it.
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What kind of house does Fonzie live in?
An "A" frame...
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How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
None. They just move out of the house.
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What did the homeowners of house haunted by windows have?
Phantom panes.
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What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles?
Electricity.
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Why do vampire's use linux?
Because they don't like windows in their house. BaDumTss
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What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down?
Igloos it back together.
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What's the difference between a good friend and a really good friend?
A good friend will help you move house A really good friend will help you move a body!
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How did I get here?
I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower.
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What did the hippie say when I asked him to leave my house?
Nah, I'm-a stay.
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What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house?
He'll re-possess it
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What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?
I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.
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What do you call a house that changes every month?
A Werehouse.
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Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks?
Because he thought it wood look better!
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Why did the sheep move house?
The neighbours were baaastsrds.
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Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house?
They have to use their Endor voices.
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How many ants does it take to rent a house?
Doesn't matter, ants can't rent a house
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What did the mexican-american say when two houses landed on him?
Get off me holmes!
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Why can't ewoks yell in the house?
Because they have to use their Endor voices.
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What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
Electricity.
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What colour did Matthew McConaughey want his house to be painted?
All white, all white, all white.
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What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?
Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."
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What did the Mexican guy say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me homes.
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How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
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What is a homeless man's favorite type of music?
House music
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What do you get if you play a C&?
W song backwards? Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.
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Why do hurricanes have girl names?
First they are all wild and wet, then they take your house.
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What's a slave's favorite type of music?
House
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What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?
Get off me homes.
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What did Leonardo DaVinci call his house?
The DaVinci Abode
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What's it called when Hobbits build houses for other Hobbits?
Hobbitat for Humanity
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Who do you call when theres a fly in your house?
The SWAT team
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How can you tell if Asians have broken into your house?
The dog is gone, the homework is done, and they're still trying to get out of the driveway.
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An IPv6 packet is walking out of the house.
He goes nowhere.
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What do a hurricane a tornado a fire and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your house!
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Why didn't the homophobe decorate his house for Halloween?
Because his skeleton was in the closet
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What happened to the fireman who let the house burn?
He got fired.
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How do you know a North Korean robbed your house?
All your printer paper is gone and when you look at the printer history it's all Kim Jong-un.
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What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down?
Build a house next to it.
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What do you call an incredibly well-dressed punk?
The Speaker of the House
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What did the cholo say when the houses fell on him?
ey, get off me homes!
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Why didn't the electron leave it's house?
Because it was grounded.
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What do Big Ben and the House of Commons have in common?
Both have a huge bellend swinging his weight around inside
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Why did Adele leave the house?
So she could say Hello from the outside.
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How do you know if a Korean gang robbed your house?
Because all the rice is gone, and three hours later, they are still trying to back out of your driveway.
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What did the house turn into on the night of the full moon?
A Warehouse.
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Why did the house go to the doctor?
He was having window pains I'm sorry
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How are a grenade and a wife similar?
If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone
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What does a tornado and a woman have in common?
It starts with a little blowing but at the end your house is gone
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What do you call houses who have good behavior?
Manors.
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How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly?
Just a phew!
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What does a fern have in its house?
Fern-iture
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What do you call a dead chicken that's haunting your house?
A poultrygeist
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What do women and hand grenades have in common?
When you pull the ring off, your house goes away
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What do you do if your bank account stops working?
Throw the guy out of the house.
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Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?
Because he was Snowden
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Why didn't Edward leave his house?
Because he was Snowden.
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Why don't house painters wear wedding rings on the job?
Nobody wants to marry an underemployed alcoholic.
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What is the best use for a wet dog?
x-post from /r/MeanJokes Getting the smell of white people out of your house.
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Why do Republicans make good DJs?
Because they know how to shut the House down.
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What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?
You get your wife back. Your house back. Your truck back. Your dog back...
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Why do birds live in nests?
Because they can't afford houses in this economy.
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Why did the man open a rooftop bar?
He wanted to have drinks on the house.
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How did the burglar get into the house?
Intruder window
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How does the Hulk make money?
He flips houses.
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What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?
Aaaand you're not allowed in my house anymore.
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How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows".
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What part of the house does a ghost not use?
The living room
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Why didn't Beethoven sell his house?
He put it up Fur Elise!
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What does Che Guevara call his house?
Chez Guevara
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What did the Mexican say when his house collapsed on him?
Hey, get off me homes !
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How do you get a blonde on the roof?
Say the drinks are on the house
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Why should you only invite gas molecules to your house when they have negligible intermolecular forces between them?
Because they're the ideal gas.
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How many disappointments can you fit into a van?
I don't know, I can't get them outside of the house.
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How do you know you let a hippie stay at your house?
He's still there.
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Why did the guy kick the broom out of his house?
It swept with his girlfriend :P
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What's a poker player's favorite sitcom?
Full House.
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What did the cholo say when two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes!" My brother heard this on Tosh.
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Why didn't the fiddler have to pay for anything?
Because it was all on the house
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What happened did someone try to break into your house?
Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
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Why did?
Why did the house cross the road, One of the most difficult to solve cross the road jokes, I'll give the answer when you all give.
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How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. The sockets all went with the house.
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How do you know if a Chinaman robbed your house?
Your homework is done and your computer is upgraded, but two hours later he is still trying to back out of your driveway.
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What is stronger an elephant or a snail ?
A snail because it carries it's house an elephant just carries its trunk !
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What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...
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What's the best side of the house to build a deck on?
The outside
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When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house?
A: When the door is open.
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How can you tell a hippie's been in your house?
He's still there when you get home. What's he say when you tell him to leave? "Na, 'ma stay"
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What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in?
A roundhouse.
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How did you get into my house?
business.
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How many pollocks does it take to paint a house?
1 to hold the brush and 1000 to turn the house!
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What do a house and clean clothes have in common?
Homeless people have neither.
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What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?
Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.
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Why aren't you charging me for the paint?
They said, "Don't worry about it, it's on the house."
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What kind of house does cheese like to live in?
A cottage"
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Why does the Italian pasta maker always get locked out of his house?
because he has gnocchi
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What's Bill Cosby's favorite part of the house?
The roof.
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Why did Rembrandt lose his house?
Because he was *Baroque*.
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What is a dog's favorite thing about living in a house?
Roofs.
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Whatya doin?
Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST
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What is the most offensive coffee to tornado victims?
House blend.
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How do you know if a hippie was at your house?
He's still there.
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What has six eyes but cannot see?
Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to your house... Knock, knock. Who's there? The chicken.
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What kind of cats lay around the house?
A: Car-pets!
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What did the doctor say to the parents of an ugly baby?
I charge five dollars if its a boy and five dollars if its a girl. Lets just say this ones on the house.
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What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
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How many morons does it take to change a lightbulb?
14,000. 1 to hold the lightbulb, 4 to hold the chair, and 13,995 to spin the house.
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How do you know if hippies have been in your house?
They are still there.
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How can you tell if a hippy came to your house?
He's still there.
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What is the difference between a refrigerator and a one foot tall man painting the side of a house?
Answer: On a quantum level, there is no difference.
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Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?
Because it's on the house.
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Who was the best actor in the bible ?
Samson he brought the house down !
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What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house?
He became a quack head
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Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?
At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.
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What kind of house does a stoned loaf of bread live in?
A high rise
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How Do You Start a Flood?
An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?
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How do you know an Asian has robbed your house?
They're still in your driveway
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Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car
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What happens when the President dies?
The Vice President takes over. What happens when the Vice President dies? The Speaker of the House takes over. What happens when the Speaker of the House dies? You go to Radio Shack and buy a new speaker.
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Why couldn't the NSA leave their houses?
They got Snowden.
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What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house?
Mortgage Freeman
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Why does the house only have one window?
Cheeseburger (joke from my 3 year old neice this evening)
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How many Estonians you need to build a house in Finland ?
Who knows, there is no tax record of it.
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When is paint free?
When it's on the house.
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What did the gang-banger say when two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
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Why did Walter White not pay for his pizza?
Because it was on the house.
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How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ?
He prawned everything !
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Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
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Why couldn't Spongebob get a mortgage?
Because his house was underwater.
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What happens if you play a country song backward?
You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.
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Why was the Japanese man so careful when walking in his house?
It was made of pranks.
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How did the lesbian couple build their house?
Tongue and groove.
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What did the body-builder say after his house got robbed?
No whey...
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Why are the corners the warmest part of every house?
Because they're 90 degrees!
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Why has the ex-NSA contractor not left his house?
He's snowed in.
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What's the cutest part of a house?
The awning. I know, I'm sorry.
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What does a musician use to build a house?
A tuba-four
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How can you tell if a dinosaur is visiting your house?
His tricycle will be parked outside.
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What do you see?
Patient: A house and Me: Wrong it's Batman. Ok this one Patient: I se Me: Nope. Batman again.
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Why wouldn't Kurt Cobain let you charge your phone at his house?
the guy likes his power chords too much.
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What's the difference between a tea bag and a used tampon?
What's the Difference between a tea bag and a used tampon - I dunno... - I'm never drinking tea at your house again then!
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How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
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What's the difference between a hand towel and toilet paper?
What " "You aren't coming to my house"
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What's the most racist place in a house?
The laundry room. It's the only place where the blacks have to be separated from the whites.
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Who are you & what are you doing in my house?
Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad
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What do you call a chicken haunting your house?
A Poultrygeist!
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What do teddy bears like to have in their houses?
A: Fur-niture.
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Why do they name all hurricanes after women?
Because when they arrive they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car
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Why is it I cant get a mobile reception in my house in town, yet a terrorist can upload his vids from a cave in Afganistan?
Is there a terrorist mobile tariff I can go on
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How did Sarah Palin see Russia from her house?
She didn't, it was just an Aleutian.
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What do a woman and a grenade have in common?
Pull off the ring and the house is gone.
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Why couldn't the NSA agent leave his house this Winter?
He was Snowden.
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What do you get if you squash a house?
A flat.
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Why did Thoreau build a house?
A: Because he wanted to be walled-in.
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What reindeer can jump higher than a house?
They all can! Houses can't jump!
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Who's there ! Bing ! Bing who ?
Bing down the house !
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Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
So he could watch the football
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What does a fire, flood, earthquake, tornado, hurricane, and a wife have in common?
Sooner or later, one of them is probably going to get your house.
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How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house?
Paint a goal line on your driveway.
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Where do you store a werewolf?
In a were-house
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.
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How does an Eskimo build his house?
Igloos it together.
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What room is missing from almost every house?
a Mushroom
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What do you call a horse that has been kicked out of his house?
Unstable
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When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say "thank you"?
instead of all this "how did you get in to my house " calling 9-11 business.
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How did the blind man know Santa was in his house?
He felt his presents.
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How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.
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Why do hurricanes have women name?
Because they take away your house, your car, your furniture and everything you have.
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What happens when two lesbians build a house?
It's all tongue and groove, and no stud inside.
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What does Dave Grohl say when he thinks there's a stalker in his house?
IS SOMEONE OUT ON THE VEST? THE VEST? THE VEST? THE VESTIBULE?"
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How do you get someone with a doctorate in philosophy to leave your house?
Just pay for your pizza.
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What do you call a man who cleans your house?
Dustin.
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What did the pink panther have all over his house after he fumigated for insects?
dead ants... dead ants... dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead aaaaantsss
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What does Godzilla do part time when he's not destroying cities?
He flips houses
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Why do chinesse make such terrible Estate agents?
Because non of the customers are ever comfortable with the idea of buying a house with a Hawk in the closet.
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How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
None. They just move out of the house.
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How do you get the walls of your house as bright as they can possibly be?
Use LED based paint.
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What type of clothing does a House wear?
Address.
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Why are haunted houses so noisy in April?
That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!
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What do you call a house full of black people?
A jail.
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What if I see a puppy?
What if my house burns down
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What do you call a fissure in the earth that houses old Russian rulers who like to mock others ironically?
Tsar-Chasm
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How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
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Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean 4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks
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How do you know your house had chicken pox?
It has shingles.
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When the cat's away.....?
The house smells better !
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Want to hear a chimney joke?
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
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Whoa! Dude! Why is Judge Judy in my house?
And why is she wearing my underpants
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What do people in florida do when their car breaks down?
Build a house next to it.
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Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage?
She's afraid they'll bring down the house.
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How many people do you have to kick out of their houses to have a World Cup?
Brazilians!
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What did the Mexican man say after two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes"
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What's your favorite adult-themed Halloween joke?
My favorite is: "There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep. He gives me the willies."
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When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ?
When the door is open !
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Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
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What did the hippie say when you told him to leave your house?
Namaste
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How'd the date go?
Not good. Too many red flags. *Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags* I think she might be a communist.
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How do Mexicans warm their houses in the winter months?
Central Fajiting.
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How many Apple Geniuses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, we just swap out your whole house
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What's a gangsta say when a house falls on him?
Get off me, homes!
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What did the beaver say when his house burned down?
Damn
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What childhood game are orphans not aloud to play?
House.
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How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.
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How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's House?
All right, all right, all right..
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Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ?
Because they mess up the whole house !
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What's the difference between a house cleaner and a thief?
The way they enter your house.
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Why didn't the Smurfs fit in the house?
There wasn't mushroom.
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How does a vampire clean his house?
With a victim cleaner.
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How many dead babies does it take to fill up my house?
One more.
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How does a vampire enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
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What did the person say when a flood struck his house?
Damn it!
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Why don't men install urinals in their houses?
Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)
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How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Who knows, they never get the house.
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What do you call it when the Speaker of the House is angry?
A raging Boehner.
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What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left her house to board the Challenger space shuttle?
You feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish."
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How do you get Mexicans out of your house?
Juan by Jaun
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How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.