Hurt Jokes

  • What's the difference between a line dance instructor and a dentist?

    A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

  • What does a bee say before it stings you ?

    This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you !

  • Why do women have babies?

    Because it hurts and they deserve it

  • What's it called when a T-Rex hurts itself?

    A dino-sore

  • Why are you crying Ted ?

    asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'

  • Whats black and hurts when you get it thrown in your face?

    A Piano.

  • What did the one banana say to the other banana who had his feelings hurt?

    I know that peel.

  • Where does it hurt?

    Me: *Points to heart* Nurse: Awwww that is so cute! Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

  • What do you do when your giant is hurt ?

    You call 9-wun-wun

  • Why should you never shout at a pirate?

    Because it hurts their buccaneers. (Sorry it's lame, I just made it up)

  • What can a yakuza do for living when he doesn't want to hurt people?

    tattoo master

  • What hurts really bad?


  • Why do women like roses?

    Because they are pretty and hurt you.

  • What's the difference between me and a dentist?

    The dentist pulls it out when it hurts.

  • How does a one liner hurt its readers?

    With its punchline

  • What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?

    Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... I'm sorry..

  • Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love?

    If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.

  • What do windows feel when they get hurt?


  • What kind of punch hurts the most?

    A Sandy Hook.

  • Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet?

    That thing hurts!

  • What kind of martial art does a chef do?

    Kung food (Don't hurt me, I know it's bad)

  • When Do You Hurt a Midget?

    When He is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice!

  • Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself?

    Because it didn't have the nerves.

  • What doesn't Princess Leia like toy guns?

    Because the Nerf hurt her.

  • What am I supposed to do with this computer now?

    IT: Work M: Who hurt you

  • What is red and hurts when you bite it?

    A Brick.

  • What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

    Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

  • What did the Russian woman say to her violent husband?

    Vladislav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

  • Who hurt you?

    unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.

  • Why doesn't Jesus play volleyball?

    All those spikes hurt his hands

  • Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins?

    Those little guys don't hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

  • Why did the peace-loving incandescent bulb reject the candle and choose the fluorescent lamp as role model?

    The fluorescent lamp wouldn't hurt a fly.

  • What hurts more giving birth or being kicked in the balls?

    A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed.

  • What's yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?

    Bull dozer

  • What if my knees start to hurt?

    Me to instructor: See what I'm up against

  • How did the aliens hurt the farmer?

    They trod on his corn.

  • What did the cat say when it got hurt?


  • What's green and hurts when it hits you in the eye?

    A snooker table

  • Why wasn't he hurt?

    It was a soft drink.

  • What is love?

    Baby don't hurt me.

  • When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up?

    This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.

  • What did one bolt of cloth say to the other bolt of cloth after hurting its feelings?

    I'm sari.

  • How did hipster kid hurt himself?

    He touched the stove before it was cool...

  • How to spot a douchebag in the gym?

    Really bad so he hurts himself.

  • What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it?

    It hurts, but olive.

  • What's black and blue and about to hurt someone?

    Batman thinking about his dead parents.

  • Why did Hydrogen hurt Iron?

    Because he wanted to see him Sulfur.

  • What type of punch hurts kids the most?

    A sandy hook

  • What did the router say to the doctor?

    It hurts when IP.

  • Where does a mathematician go when he gets hurt?


  • What's love?

    Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!

  • What caveman say when he get hurt?


  • Why did Freud hurt his shoulder?

    He made a Freudian slip

  • Why did the hipster's mouth hurt?

    Because he ate pizza before it was cool.

  • What is white and hurts a homophobic man if it lands on him?

    An airplane

  • What two things should people stop shaking because shaking hurts these things development?

    Polaroid Integral Film and Babies

  • How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.

  • What do you call a short sleeved British shirt?

    A tea-shirt. Please don't hurt me.

  • Why do my eyes hurt?

    Because I got eye lashes.

  • How do you jump out of a fifteen-floors building without getting hurt?

    You jump from the 1st one.

  • Why did the masochist STOP hitting himself on the head with a hammer ?

    Because it hurt.

  • What did they call the Pillsbury Doughboy after he hurt his leg?

    Limp Biscuit

  • I got hit in the head by a soda can, but it didn't hurt that much...

    It was a soft drink.

  • Why does Windows 10 say "Hello"?

    Because my PC is a Dell.

  • What did the router say to the doctor?

    It hurts when IP.

  • What did the artist say to the dentist?

    Matisse hurt!

  • Why did the apple cry?

    A: Its peelings were hurt.

  • What's wrongdad?

    Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.

  • What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?

    A. "It's okay Daddy I'm not hurt."

  • Why are blondes hurt by people's words?

    A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

  • What did Jesus say when he was nailed upon the cross?

    Me! That hurts!"

  • What did the dentist say to the computer?

    This won't hurt a byte

  • What happened when Steve Irwin forgot to put on sunscreen?

    He got hurt from harmful rays

  • Where do Na'vi go when they get hurt?


  • Why did the suicidal air go to the airport?

    So he could BLOW it up. Please don't hurt meh.

  • What kind of punch hurts children the most?

    A sandy hook.

  • What is ISIS?

    They are Radical!!! Please don't hurt me....