Husband Jokes

  • What did the raisin see when she came home early from work?

    Her husband on a date.

  • Why can't witches have babies?

    Because their husbands have hollow-weenies.

  • What happened when the husband tried to deep fry his wife?

    She went to the battered women's shelter

  • What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?

    A. The cold shoulder.

  • What would you do if i won the lottery?

    Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

  • Why did the husband bring his wife's sick dog to the salon?

    He was trying to get her pedicure.

  • What do you call a Blonde in the dirt?

    Her name was Cindy she had a husband and 2 children

  • What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a supermodel?

    Nothing if her husband knows what's good for him!

  • Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?

    Husband: Because when I get round to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say

  • How do I look?

    I just came back from the beauty salon.... Husband - Well. Was it closed

  • Why would I want to talk to your baby?

    On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

  • How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?

    he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

  • Why can't witches get pregnant?

    Because all their husbands have Halloween-ies!

  • Why does mama aardvark call her husband a cannibal?

    Because he ate his ant for dinner!

  • What do Russian women get from their husbands that's long and hard on their wedding night?

    His last name.

  • What's the difference between your child and your husband?

    At least you can leave your child alone with the babysit

  • How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

    A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

  • What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

    About 45 pounds. What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend 45 minutes

  • What is 10 years with me?

    Wife:What is 10 years with me Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second

  • What are your plans for Easter?

    Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

  • What about our child ?

    Wife: What What child Husband: So you are not pregnant

  • What did the Mexican wife say to her Husband?

    You'll never be president, Jeb.

  • What is another difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

    My husband doesn't go to the circus

  • What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?

    A widow

  • Why was the lizard upset with her husband?

    Because he had a reptile dysfunction. ... Okay bye now

  • What's round and black and blue?

    A blueberry that occasionally gets hit by her husband

  • Why did Yewtree arrest the husband-to-be at the celebrity wedding of the year?

    They wanted to make sure he'd never been a groom.

  • Why didnt the witch have any children?

    Because her husband had a hollow weenie

  • How did Helen Keller meet her husband?

    On a blind date!

  • Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?

    She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.

  • How many husbands have I had?

    You mean apart from my own

  • What did your husband say?

    He said 'Thank you'. "

  • Why did the investment banker leave her husband?

    She was losing interest.

  • Who does he look like?

    I'm like, 'Your husband'

  • What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?

    the woman asks her husband. "Keep sending them!"

  • Whats the last thing you want to see when youre shagging the wife?

    The husband.

  • Why isn't Spiderman in the Avengers?

    Because a black widow has no husband.

  • What is your sin, child?

    My husband and I are arguing That's very common. ...about my boyfriend.

  • What gift do you want?

    HUSBAND: "An English girl." After a month, wife returns.. HUSBAND: "Where is my gift " WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"

  • What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

    Shoot him again.

  • What size bed comfortably fits a married couple?

    Twin. Because the husband has to sleep on the couch.

  • Why's he happy?

    He got dog-piled. Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down. Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

  • Where did the dog find her husband?

    At the Groomers!

  • What did Buddy Fletcher, accused ponzi scheme runner and husband of reddit's CEO, say to the duck?


  • Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?

    Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....

  • Why do husbands die before their wives?

    They want to.

  • What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

    A widow.

  • What did the husband say to his wife when he tried pushing it in as much as he could, but it still wouldn't fit?

    He said "I'm going to try on a different shoe size."

  • Why did you leave us so early?

    He is asked why are you so crying Do you cry about your close relative -No, I am crying about the first husband of my wife.

  • What do you call a women who always knows where her husband is?

    A widow

  • What's a woman who always knows where her husband is?

    A widow.

  • How would you feel if I die?

    Husband: I will go mad with grief. Wife (a bit glad): You wouldn't remarry, would you Husband: You never know. A mad man can do anything!

  • Hows your headache?

    Husband: She's fine.

  • Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?

    Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."

  • What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

    45 minutes.

  • What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?

    Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

  • Why couldn't the witch get pregnant?

    Her husband had a holloween-ie.

  • Why do husbands typically die before their wives?

    They want to.

  • Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?

    Because he was driving her buggy.

  • How are husbands like lawn mowers?

    They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

  • Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed?

    Because they finish each other's sentences

  • What would you do if I died?

    Husband: I would go crazy Wife: Would you re-marry Husband: Ah, not that crazy..

  • What are you praying for?

    Husband: For guidance. Wife: Pray for hardness. Leave guidance to me!!!

  • Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?

    She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.

  • Why was Linda so mad on her wedding day?

    Her soon to be husband forgot how to groom.

  • What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?

    Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... I'm sorry..

  • Why was the wife worried that her husband was a light drinker?

    Every night, he'd go out and drink until it was light.

  • What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left her house to board the Challenger space shuttle?

    You feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish."

  • What type of wife always knows where her husband is?

    A widow

  • What does the husband say to his wife whose nose is bleeding?

    Nothing, he already said it twice.

  • Why Arent You Taking Me With You To Bangkok?

    Husband: Because Nobody Carries A Tiffin To A Restaurant. "If U Didn't Get It Go Watch Pogo":p

  • Who would you save first?

    Wife asks her husband: Honey, If a lion attacks my mother and I, Who would you save first? Husband: Well, the lion!

  • What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband right before she got on the Challenger Shuttle?

    Honey you feed the dog I'll feed the fish.

  • How'd ya get that?

    asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town " he asked. "So did I!" she said.

  • What do you call a cow who argues with her husband?

    A bullfighter!

  • What would you do?

    Two policemen call the station on the radio. "Hello. Is that you Sarge?" "Yes?" "We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean." "Have you arrested the woman?" "No sir. The floor is still wet.

  • Whats the difference between a house cat and a polecat ?

    How much their husbands make

  • How many walruses does it take to make a sandwich?

    Don't be silly, walruses don't make sandwiches; women make sandwiches. Made this up to bug my sister. It worked. Her husband laughed.

  • Why did my husband die?

    Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"

  • How a husband describe his wife?

    Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

  • When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?

    WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE : I use your toothbrush.

  • What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late ?

    Your spinning me a yarn here !

  • What did the balding German frau exclaim when her husband left her?

    Ach! I tink I'm losing mein Herr!

  • What sound does a black widow make?

    My husband be dead

  • How many women have u slept with?

    Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.

  • What did the husband tell his wife to do after he slapped her?

    The same thing he told her the first time!