Italian Jokes
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What do you call an Italian with one arm?
Speech impaired.
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What do you call a poor Italian community?
a spaghetto.
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What do you call an Italian guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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How do you know if an Italian person is mute?
When you see he has no hands.
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Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Wittness?
They don't like any witnesses.
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Why is it so hard to make up your mind on what to get in an Italian restaurant?
A: There are just too many pastabilities!
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Why did the Italian miss his dinner?
It'a was'a pasta his bed time
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What was the favorite food of the thrifty Italian who loved contractions?
A pasta free.
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What do you call an Italian ghost?
A Gabaghoul
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What did the Mexican say to the Italian?
Que pasta
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Why do Italian men grow moustaches?
They want to look like their mothers.
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What do you get when you ask for a Roman pinch hitter?
An Italian sub!
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What does an Italian cow say when he gets an extra delivery of hay to the barn?
That's amorehay!
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What do you call an Italian guy whos afraid of cheese?
Alfredo
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What happened to the Italian chef when he died?
He .
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What do you call an Italian with two broken hands?
Mute
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How can you tell if someone is Italian?
They'll tell you.
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What do you call a crew of handsome Italian astronauts?
Fine specimens.
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How do you shut an Italian up?
Tie his hands behind his back
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How did the Italians lose WWII?
They ordered ziti instead of shells.
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When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face?
When her mustache is on fire!
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Why should you always knock before opening the refrigerator?
Because there might be an Italian dressing.
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What do you call an Italian reggae enthusiast?
A pastafarian
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How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one ?
By her suntan !
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What do you call an Italian's semi-formal shirt?
Marco's polo
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Why do Italians wear gold chains?
So they know where to stop shaving.
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How you compliment an Italian cheese maker?
Gouda worka"
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How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian?
You switch sides at half time.
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What do you call an Italian suppository?
Innuendo.
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What's accounting?
Something Italians learn in preschool.
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Who lands first?
The Italian. The black is tied to the tree.
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What is an Italian mobster's favorite cooking oil?
Cannoli Oil.
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How do Italians light their dynamite?
With a fuse-illi.
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Where do impoverished Italians live?
In the spaghetto
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Why couldn't the Italian get into his house?
Because he had gnocchi.
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What did the Italian baseball coach say about the only woman on the team?
Ciabatta very good!
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Why are south italian men so small?
Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there
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What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called?
A: Ptera Don
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Where did the poor Italian man grow up?
The spaghetto
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What do you call an italian pro-gun activist?
Pro-shooto
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Why can't an Italian snake talk?
Because it doesn't have any hands.
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How can you tell when an Italian car has a flat tire?
Dago wop wop wop
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What Nationality was Otzi the Caveman?
He wasn't Italian, because he carried work tools, he wasn't Austrian, since he had some brains, he might have been Swiss, since he was outrun by a glacier, but most probably he was a German, because nobody else ever walks in sandals in the mountains.
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What's the best way to grease a Ferrari?
Run over an Italian.
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Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?
So he wouldn't talk in his sleep
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What do you call a rough Italian neighborhood?
A Spaghetto
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What do you say to an Italian who is urinating on the sidewalk?
European!
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What do you call a lazy Italian at the gym?
Mussolini
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Why did the Italian get thrown out of the hotel?
He said "I wanna two sheet onna the bed".
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What's a crossfit bro's favorite Italian dish?
Testosteroni.
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What do you say to a urinating Italian?
You're-a-pee'n
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What is an Italian's favorite type of breakfast?
Serie-a*l
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What do you call it if you put an IED on an Italian?
Rigatoni!
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What happens when you give an Italian a coupon?
It makes the Dego buy faster.
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What does an Italian... What does an Italian have when one arm is shorter than the other?
A speech impediment. AY!
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What do you get when you cross an (italian) with a gorilla?
A retarded gorilla. (Can be modified to offend any nationality or group)
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What's another word for Italian cologne?
Garlic
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What do you call Italian marijuana?
A pizza joint
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What's innuendo?
It's Italian for "suppository".
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What do you call an Italian man with Parkinson's?
A stutterer.
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How do you silence an Italian?
Cut off his hands
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What do Italians do when they're waiting for somthing?
They pasta time.
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Why do Italians make good spies?
Because they're masters of "DEESE GUYS!"
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What did the Italian chef say when his boss tried to pick a fight?
You wanna pizza me !
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What do you call an Italian at the World Cup Finals?
A referee
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What do you call a run-down and Italian neighborhood?
The Sphaghetto
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What do you call an Italian with no arms?
Deaf
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What did the Italian dressing say to the French dressing?
Nothing. Dressings don't have arms
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What is the Italian postal motto?
We know where live, your family too!
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What do you call an Italian guy wearing a flourescent track suit?
A DayGlo Dago
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Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?
A: So he could look like his mama.
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What do you get when Italians join ISIS?
Baked Yazidi
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What does an Italian sound like walking through the rain?
Dago wop wop wop
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How did the Italian die?
Talking while driving.
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Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match?
Because they rain supreme.
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What's a Russian's favorite Italian dish?
Pepperoni Picza!
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How do you make an Italian deaf?
Tie their hands behind their back.
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What do pink flamingos have on their front lawns?
Plastic Italians.
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What did Anakin order from the Italian bakery?
Only one cannoli.
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What do you call Italian women in a sauna?
A: Gorillas In The Mist!
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What is an Italian Pirate's favourite food?
SpARGHetti
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Why couldn't the Italian man start his car?
gnocchi
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What do you get when you cross an Italian with a gorilla?
A retarded gorilla.
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What do Chinos say when you take them off?
This was incredibly clever when I first thought of it but then I did some research...the closest they get to being Italian is that George Clooney was a "pioneer" for them: Reading that makes me never want to wear them again.
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What are an Italian bench warmer's favorite vegetables?
Asparagi!
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What do you call an Italian whore?
A pastatute. I'll see myself out.
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How did the Italian chef break up with his girlfriend?
Pasta la vista, baby."
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What do you call an Italian guy with one arm shorter than the other?
A Speech Impediment :)
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How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.
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What's the difference between a Canadian and an Italian?
Where the "eh" is in the sentence. Canadian: "How you doin, eh " Italian: "Eh! How you doin "
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What do Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael have in common?
They're all Renaissance Italian artists.
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Where's a good place to get Italian food in the middle east?
Allah Garden.
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What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
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Why do Italian men wear gold chains?
So they know where to stop shaving.
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What happened to the pimp who ate too much Italian food?
He got Pasta-toots.
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What do you call an Italian with erectile dysfunction?
Floppy Giuseppe
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Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it?
Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.
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What's the difference between Italian and Polish sausage?
About 2-3 inches.
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Why do Italians wear gold necklaces?
So they know where to stop shaving
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What do you call an Italian with no hands?
Mute
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What is an Italian redditors favorite meal?
Fettuccini Alfedora.
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What kind of railway is an Italian engineer's favourite?
Funicula
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
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What did the italian man with dementia have for dinner?
Forgetti Bolognese.
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What do you call... What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go?
Flabio.
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Why do Italians carry slices of turd in their wallets?
For identification.
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What do Albanian kids want to be when they grow up?
Italian
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What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?
One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.
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What do you call a terrorist-run snowball stand?
Italian ISIS
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Why Did the Italian Go to the Sauna?
For a self'a steam.
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What Nationality has the easiest time learning sign language?
Italians.
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Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?
Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".
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How do you mute an Italian?
Tie up their hands.
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What did the Italian say when the eel swam by?
That's a Moray.
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What happened when the Italian chef died?
He pasta away
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Why couldn't the Italian chef get into his restaurant?
Gnocchi.
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Why are do many Italian-Americans named Tony?
When they came to Ellis Island, not one of them could speak a lick of English, but they all had "To NY" on their hats.
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What do you call an Italian pizza chef with an erectile dysfunction?
Floppy Giussepe
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Where do poor Italians live?
A spaghetto.
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What sound does an Italian make when you shoot him?
Wop
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What was the Italian hot tub that was so small it's occupants always bumped into each other called?
Ja-scusi.
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How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One but don't expect results.
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How do Italian Chefs swap recipes?
By Spaghett-e-mail!
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What tense do Italians speak in?
Pasta continuous.
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What's the Italian version of Preparation-H?
Innuend-O
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Why don't they let Italians swim in Long Island Sound?
If you know that one, try this one: Why do seagulls fly to the dump
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What's the Italian word for suppository?
Innuendo
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Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they immigrated from Italy, customs stuck a label on their lapel reading ToN.Y.
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What do you call an Italian Yeti?
A Spaghyeti!
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What did the Italian bigfoot say when someone yelled, "Hey Abominable Snowman, are you ready to go?
Not-a-Yeti"
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What's in Heaven and Hell?
In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians
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Why are so many Italian men named Tony?
When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...
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What did the Italian diver say when he saw an eel?
That's a moray!
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How do you stop an Italian from talking?
Tie his hands together
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What was the best time in history for the Italians?
The Marin-era
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What do you call a semi truck owned by an Italian?
That rig a Tonys.
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Why does the Italian pasta maker always get locked out of his house?
because he has gnocchi
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Whats an Italians favourite part of football?
Half time, they get to switch sides again
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What do you call authentic Italian wine harvested in January?
Genuwine.
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Why are Italians so good at football?
Because it involves changing sides halfway through.
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What did the Italian say when 6 curses were removed from him?
Hexagon.
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What do you call an Italian that has taken Viagra?
Al dente
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What do you call a robbery of Italian ice cream?
Grand Theft Gelato
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What does the Italian cat say?
Cheow!
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What do you get when you cross the Italian mafia with the Russian mafia?
Thrown in a lake.
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What do you call an Italian mobster who specializes in cold coffee drinks?
Al Frap-Pacino
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What sound does an Italian American microwave make?
Bada bing!
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What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut :-D
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What's the difference between virgin olive oil and extra virgin olive oil?
thick Italian accent* "She don't even touch it."
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How do you tell an Italian has a flat tire?
Diego wop wop wop .
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What do you call the Italian slums?
The spaghettos.
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Why does the disinterested Italian man have perfect skin?
Because he's aloof-a
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What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
A spaghetto
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What do you call a squashed Italian?
A Nepalitano. Oh yeah - wait a sec - OK - for the low-info crowd here:
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What joke has sebadoh for a punch line?
A joke about what kind of dough does an italian use to make seb bread, with really good delivery.
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What do you call the neighborhood where all the poor Italians live?
The spaghetto.
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What do you call a bad Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto.
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What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Rubberto
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What do you call a homeless Italian man?
Giovanni Change
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What is an Italian with Alzheimer's favorite espresso drink?
Affogato!
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What do you call an Italian man without arms?
A mute. Sorry if repost.
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How do you get a one armed Italian out of a tree?
You talk to him!