Jesus Jokes
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Why does Jesus like Japanese food?
Because he loves miso
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What does God do whenever he gets frustrated with Jesus?
He gets out the Bible Belt!
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Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account?
Because he only had 12 followers.
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Why does Jesus and bartenders have so much in common?
Bcoz they are single, have no kids, got nailed and serve alcoholic beverage.
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Why is Jesus always sad?
Because Jesus Christ (Cries)
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Why was Saint Peter so good at basketball?
He denied Jesus 3 times
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What gun does Jesus hate the most?
The nail gun. So sorry if this offends you Credit to the podcast
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What do 12 year old mexican girls and born-again christians have in common?
They both have a little Jesus in 'em...
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Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey?
He didn't like getting nailed to the boards.
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Why are churches never broke?
Because Jesus saves.
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How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?
Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.
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What was Jesus never thankful for?
Fridays.
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What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?
You only need a nail to hang a painting.
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What gun would Jesus outlaw first?
A nail gun
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Who was the first striker?
Jesus. He went for the cross
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What's the big deal about jesus turning water into wine?
I turned MY student loans into vodka...
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Why is Jesus bad at hockey?
He always gets nailed to the boards.
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What happened when Jesus 'screwed' around?
He got *nailed*.
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How did Jesus get across Jerusalem on a busy Friday afternoon?
Cross traffic doesn't stop.
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What's the difference between Jesus and Bono?
Jesus doesn't think he's Bono
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Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I'm not a real superhero. I'm tired of being walked all over. *Jesus enters Aquaman: Dammit!
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Why doesn't Jesus play volleyball?
All those spikes hurt his hands
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What is Jesus' favorite gun?
a nail gun!
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How do we know Jesus wasn't good with the ladies?
He only got nailed once
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What would Burger Kings slogan be if Jesus founded it?
Have it Yahweh
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What is Jesus's go-to pickup line?
Would you like me to show you what it feels like to get nailed?
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What did the mexican boy say to his mom after he mopped the floors and found his brother?
I've cleaned up and found Jesus.
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What's the first sign of football in the bible?
Jesus going up for the cross!
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Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?
He's always nailed to the boards....
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How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad?
Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.
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What was the most pivotal point in Jesus' ministry?
When he turned the tables on the Temple vendors!
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What do you think Jesus' favorite gun would be?
A nail gun
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What did God say to Jesus?
This lawn ain't gonna mow itself.
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What did Jesus say when he was nailed upon the cross?
Me! That hurts!"
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How does Jesus like his hotwings?
Tinder and Mild.
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What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: looks at feet They're using boards
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Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers?
Math hue.
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What is Jesus' favorite video game on earth?
I am bread.
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How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried
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What do Jesus and a nerd have in common?
Both are long-haired, live at their parents' till their 30's, and if they'll do anything, it is considered a miracle.
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Why didn't Jesus have any children?
He only got nailed by guys )
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What do you call a carpenter who needs fewer nails?
Jesus
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Why do all the ladies love Jesus?
spreads out arms to fullest length) Because he was hung like this.
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Why did Jesus drink wine at the last supper?
Because in 3 days, he would be a raisin
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What would be Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun
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What was Jesus' reaction to being crucified?
He was cross.
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Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
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Why wasn't Jesus any good at math?
Because he always seemed to get hung up on addition.
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What car does Jesus drive?
A Chrysler
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What's it called when Jesus walks across the street?
A cross walk
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Why Do Women Love Jesus?
He was well hung and super into cross fitting!
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What is Jesus' favorite workout?
Pontius Pilates
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What name does Jesus use when delivering pizzas?
Chjesus Chrust *Thanks I will show myself out*
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Why did Jesus die on the cross?
he forgot the safe word
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Why is the Flying Spaghetti Monster made of Pasta?
Because "made of bread" was already taken by Jesus.
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How is Jesus different from other carpenters?
Unlike other carpenters, Jesus may actually return one day
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Why did Jesus get a ticket?
He tried to skip the Cross walk.
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What do you call a penny with Jesus on it?
J.C. Penny
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Why doesn't Jesus like M&M's?
Because they fall through his hands.
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How did 1337 Jesus escape his tomb?
X-Post from ProgrammerHumor) He used an encrypted key.
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How do you say "Jesus take the wheel" in Arabic?
Allah take the flight controls
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Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?
Hebrews.
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Why do girls NOT like Jesus?
NSFW Because every time he gets nailed it takes him 3 days to get it back up again.
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What would Jesus's favorite gun be?
A nail gun
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What was Jesus's favorite band?
Nine Inch Nails.
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What is Jesus's favorite gun?
A nail gun.
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Why did Jesus run off the airplane?
He didn't like the Pilate
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What was Jesus favorite games?
Hangman and lacrosse
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Why didn't Jesus ever play in the NHL?
because every time he tried he got nailed to the boards!
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Why doesn't Jesus play basketball?
He got crossed up.
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Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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What did Pontius Pilate say to Jesus?
If you drop that damn Cross again you are out of my Parade.
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How did jesus get so fit?
He did lots of cross fit
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What did the atheist say when he saw Jesus?
I can't believe this. What did he tell his atheist friend? You won't believe this.
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Why did Jesus fall on the side of the road?
Because he was crossed.
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Why did Jesus take three days to resurrect after dying on the cross?
Because the date wasn't nailed down.
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What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?
Nine Inch Nails
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Why did Jesus leave the dance floor?
Because it was Hammertime'
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Why can't Jesus play hockey?
He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!...
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Why was Jesus crucified instead of stoned?
So Catholics could do this makes the sign of the cross, instead of this bangs self in head with fists.
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Why doesn't Jesus like M&?
Ms? They keep falling through. If that's not offensive enough, replace it with black Jesus and skittles.
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What's the difference between a religious revival and a bikers rally?
At a religious revival, they say "STAND UP FOR JESUS" At a bikers rally, they say "SIT DOWN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE"
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What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus?
Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on.
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What kind of car did Jesus drive?
a manual.
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How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why Judas: Like in a cross, how long Jesus: A what Judas:Across. How long across.
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Why did Jesus go to a Candy shop?
To Test a Mint
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What did the roman soldier say after crucifying Jesus?
Nailed it
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How did Jesus lose his virginity?
When he was nailed on the cross.
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What do your mom and Jesus have in common?
They both got nailed
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Why do Mexicans keep naming their child Jesus?
Jesus wasn't Mexican. He was human.
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What would Jesus actually do?
Probably ban nail guns
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How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter. 2. Be a nice guy. 3. ?
4. Prophet.
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What's the difference between Jesus and a whore?
The expression on their face when they're getting nailed.
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What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways?
He died on the cross!
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What do you call it when a person acts holy for a night then sins every day after?
A one night stand with Jesus
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Why did the foot smile?
He was toe very happy. Jesus that is awful.
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Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus?
She heard about his second coming
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What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Christmas is over?
OC (please use your Ahnold voice) Hasta la vista, Baby....Jesus.
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Why does Jesus always leave a door open for you?
Because he was born in a barn.
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Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?
Because Jesus saves.
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What's the difference between Jesus and his portrait ?
His portrait only need one nail
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What did they call Jesus after He died on the cross?
Xavier
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What were Jesus' final words?
So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.
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What did Jesus say to Mohammed...?
What did Jesus say to Mohammed 'I died for you' What did Mohammed say in return 'How many did you take with you '
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What did Jesus say to the Eskimos?
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
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What do Jesus, Gandhi and Mel Gibson all have in common?
They all had a brave-heart.
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What goes over the water, and under the water, but stays dry?
Jesus in a submarine.
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What other miracles can you do?
Jesus: I can varnish 'You mean vanish ' J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite
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What do Jesus and Muhammad have in common?
They both nailed a 2x4.
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How do you know Jesus loves Japanese food?
Because he said he loves miso.
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What did Michael Fox bring to baby Jesus?
Parkincense.
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Why can't you play peek-a-boo with Jesus?
Because he has holes in his hands
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Why did Carrie Underwood run out of cheese?
Because Jesus took the wheel.
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What brand of underwear did Jesus wear?
Fruit of the Womb
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What would Jesus say if you angered him?
I'm Crossed."
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Which woman has Jesus as a nephew?
The Auntie Christ.
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Why didn't Jesus play during the Isreal-Palestine soccer game?
He got suspended.
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What do Jesus and my high school girlfriend have in common?
They both bled for me.
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How do Mexicans greet Dr. Seuss?
Jesus!
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What did Jesus say to the man with leprocy?
OOPS! GOT YOUR NOSE!
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Why did Mary Magdalen love Jesus?
Because he was hung like this
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What was the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible?
When Jesus cleared the temple.
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Why couldn't Jesus play marbles?
Because they kept falling through his hands.
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Why did Jesus hang on the cross for three days?
He forgot the safe word.
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What was Jesus doing on Holy Saturday?
Just chilling.
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What's Jesus' favorite car?
A Christler.
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How did Jesus stay in shape?
Crossfit
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Why did Jesus go to the gym?
To make sure his cross fit.
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What is Jesus' favorite mathematical operation?
The Cross Product
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What did Jesus say to the Mexicans?
Don't do anything until I get back
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Why dosn't Jesus christ play hockey?
Because he'd always get nailed into the boards
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What did Jesus say while he was getting crucified?
A: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (feel free to share yours)
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Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?
He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
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What do you get when you cross Jesus with a dinosaur?
A velocirapture
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What did the people who hung Jesus to the cross say?
Nailed it
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Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
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How do we know Jesus was a man?
We've had to wait 2,000 years for his second coming.
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What is black Jesus' favorite fruit?
Wine-er-melon
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How did Jesus get to the other side of the street?
He used the Cross Walk.
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What did Jesus want when he appeared on a piece of toast?
Miracle whip.
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Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
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How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
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Why didn't Jesus' business break even?
It wasn't making enough prophet
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What was the first mention of soccer in the bible?
When Jesus went up for the cross.
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Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?
Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards!
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What do you call someone who likes to dress up like Jesus?
A cross-dresser.
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What did Jesus say after he healed the blind man?
Made you look!
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What did Jesus say to Melchior?
Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
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What's brownish and runs on oil?
Jesus in a hurry.
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Why doesn't Jesus like M&M's?
Because they fall through his hands.
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How did Jesus get so ripped?
He does crossfit.
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Why can't Jesus play Football?
He has flashbacks every time he looks at the goal
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What was the best thing about Jesus' crucifixion?
Well, the cross was a big plus
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Why is the door to heaven always open?
Because Jesus was born in a barn.
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What's the difference between Jesus and the chicken that crossed the road?
Jesus died on the cross
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What sways from side to side?
Jesus on a rubber cross!
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Why were all the ladies attracted to Jesus?
Because he was hung like this. (Hold your arms out wide)
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How did Jesus stay in such good shape?
Cross fit.
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What is Jesus' favourite dessert?
Propheteroles
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Who, Jesus?
No, dummy. Superman.
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How does Jesus make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
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What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!
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What did Jesus say to the flock of sheep?
I herd that.
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Why is Jesus happy people hang pictures of him?
It only takes one nail to put him on a wall.
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Why do the ladies love Jesus?
This joke makes more sense if you can see it in person, but we'll give it a shot, anyway. Use your imagination. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he was hung like this!
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What do you call the crucified baby Jesus?
Baby on board.
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What's your opener?
JESUS: "God loves you." You BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
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What was Jesus' favorite sport?
Crossfitting.
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Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward?
Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.
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Whats the difference between Jesus and Mexicans?
Jesus doesn't have Mexicans tattooed all over him.
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What does the 'H' in Jesus 'H' Christ stand for?
Haploid
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How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg?
Cause thay had a weigh in the mangor.
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Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
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What did Jesus' disciples say when he caught all those fishes?
HOLY MACKAREL!
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What did Jesus do to lose weight?
Crossfit
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What kind of exercise did Jesus do?
Crossfit
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What's the difference between Jesus and Mexicans?
Jesus doesn't have any tattoos of Mexicans.
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What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?
He got crossed.
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What does Jesus say when someone cuts his call?
Hello.. Hello..? Lama sabachthani?!
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Why is Jesus' body bread?
Because given enough time it rises
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Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?
CrossFit
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What does the son of God do when he is the victim of medical malpractice?
Jesus
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
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Why wasn't the son of God worried when Microsoft Word crashed while he was writing his term paper?
Because Jesus saves.
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Why did Jesus get all the ladies?
Because he was hung like this (extends arms to sides)
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How did Jesus pay for our sins?
Pray-Pal
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What type of Martial Arts does Jesus know?
Jiu Jitsu.
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What is Jesus's least favorite gun?
A nail gun.
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What if they found the face of Jesus in a piece of toast but it was *actually* Jesus?
This is my body, I'm nice with jam."
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Why did Jesus have to walk everywhere?
He drove a Ford.
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Why is Jesus so rich?
Because Jesus saves.
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Why doesn't Jesus play hockey anymore?
He kept on getting nailed into the boards.
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What did Jesus say when he made his return?
Hey guys! What's goin on Tweet my return! #JesusReturns"
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Why was Jesus I such good shape?
Crossfit. Why did the Romans hate Jesus so much? He wouldn't shut up about crossfit.
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What can walk over the water, but can travel under the water without getting wet?
Jesus in a submarine.
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Why didn't Jesus get into college?
Because he got nailed on the boards.
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What did Jesus say after he was resurrected?
Nailed it
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Why doesn't Jesus enjoy manicures or pedicures?
Because they always try to mess with his nails.
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What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?
The look on their face while being nailed.
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What did Jesus say to Peter?
Hebrew
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What type of car would Jesus drive?
A Chrysler
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Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?
Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.
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What's in the bottle?
Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"
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Why didn't Jesus start a charity?
Cuz they're not for prophets.
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Why is Jesus bad at crossword puzzles?
He always gets stuck on 2 Across.
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What do jesus and girls have in common?
The expression on their faces when they got nailed.
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What kind of bike does hipster Jesus ride?
A Cruci-fixie.
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Why is Jesus terrible at hockey?
He keeps getting pinned to the boards.
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What's the difference between Bono and Jesus?
Jesus didn't walk around Dublin acting like he's Bono.
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How did Jesus feel after the last supper?
A bit cross.
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Why couldn't Jesus waterski?
Because he never existed.
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What is Jesus' favorite band?
Nine Inch Nails
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?
I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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What version of windows does Jesus use?
XP Edit: Explanation(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ChiRho)
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Whats the difference between Jesus and a whore?
They both moan when you nail them, but only one of them actually enjoys it.
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Why was Jesus in such good shape when he died?
He was Cross-Fit.
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What kind of music did Jesus hate?
Anything by Judas Priest and Nine Inch Nails.
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Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?
He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
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Why did jesus take 3 days to resurrect?
He got hammered with his buddies.
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What workout routine did Jesus stick to best?
Crossfit
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Why did the nun call the Womens helpline?
because she was touched by Jesus.
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Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?
Because Jesus WEPt.
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What do you get when you cross Jesus and a couple of criminals?
A good Friday
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What's the difference between Mexicans and Jesus?
Jesus didn't have tattoos of Mexicans all over body
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What do you call a crocodile/robot sent from the future to save the past?
Termigator (jesus christ this one's even worse than the last)
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How do we know Jesus wasn't a virgin?
Because he got nailed three times.
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What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common?
Nails in their hands and feet
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Why does Jesus Jaywalk?
Because he hates crosswalks
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Why does jesus not play video games?
Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn
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Why do mathematicians love talking about Jesus?
Because he's a cross product.
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Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business?
He got too attached to his work.
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What's the difference between Jesus and a bunch of Mexicans?
Jesus doesn't have a bunch of Mexicans tattooed all over himself.
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Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
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What did jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior?
Yall nailed it.
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What would Jesus do?
is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD Well, he'd get out and walk to shore. See
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Why does Jesus hate M&Ms?
They keep falling through his hands.
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What can both Christians and Atheists agree on about Jesus?
Kanye's not him.
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How did Jesus feel when they crucified him?
He was cross.
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What's the difference between Jesus and a Mexican?
Jesus didn't have a bunch of tattoos of a Mexican...
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What was Jesus's least favorite bone?
The blasfemur
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How much does Jesus love you?
Thiiiiiiis much. (Must be said while arms are raised out to side)
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What do Hispanic parents say to teach their son to drive?
Jesus, take the wheel!
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What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns?
I think he would be most strict on nail gun control. (Credit to Taylor on PKA)
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What do Jesus and your mom have in common?
They both got nailed all night.
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Why did Jesus have a six pack?
It was from all the cross-training...
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What did Judas say after capturing Jesus?
Nailed it.
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What did Jesus say when they un-nailed his hands from the cross?
THE FEET, THE FEET, THE FEET!!!
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What do you call a statue of Jesus made out of cigarettes?
Holy smokes.
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How did the Chinese atheist get to heaven?
Jesus said to him "Behold! I am risen!" and he said "That's nice I don't bereave you."
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What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters?
Jesus may actually return some day.
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What strengths do you bring to the job?
long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now
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Why doesn't Jesus Play Hockey???
Because he doesn't want to be nailed to the boards.
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Why did Jesus die ?
He forgot his safe word.
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What did the Klondike Bar say to Jesus?
What would you do.
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What do Jesus and germs have in common?
Nobody has ever seen them directly, but everyone says they exist.
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Why did Jesus stop playing hockey?
Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.
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What did the Romans say to each other after crucifying Jesus?
Nailed it!"
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What gym equipment does Jesus use?
A cross trainer.
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What's it called when you look in the mirror and say "jesus christ I look good"?
Using the lords name in vanity
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What would you call Jesus if he was born in Mexico?
The Chosen Juan.
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How did Jesus get his beach bod for the summer?
Cross fit
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What did the black Jesus say to the black Black Buddah?
Allah back!
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Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle?
He always gets stuck on across.
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Why didn't Jesus cross the road?
Because you can't cross a road when your nailed to a cross
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Who's that?
Darth Vader." "Was he 1 of Jesus disciples " "I dunno, I've only seen the 1st movie."