Jesus Jokes

  • Why does Jesus like Japanese food?

    Because he loves miso

  • What does God do whenever he gets frustrated with Jesus?

    He gets out the Bible Belt!

  • Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account?

    Because he only had 12 followers.

  • Why does Jesus and bartenders have so much in common?

    Bcoz they are single, have no kids, got nailed and serve alcoholic beverage.

  • Why is Jesus always sad?

    Because Jesus Christ (Cries)

  • Why was Saint Peter so good at basketball?

    He denied Jesus 3 times

  • What gun does Jesus hate the most?

    The nail gun. So sorry if this offends you Credit to the podcast

  • What do 12 year old mexican girls and born-again christians have in common?

    They both have a little Jesus in 'em...

  • Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey?

    He didn't like getting nailed to the boards.

  • Why are churches never broke?

    Because Jesus saves.

  • How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?

    Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.

  • What was Jesus never thankful for?


  • What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?

    You only need a nail to hang a painting.

  • What gun would Jesus outlaw first?

    A nail gun

  • Who was the first striker?

    Jesus. He went for the cross

  • What's the big deal about jesus turning water into wine?

    I turned MY student loans into vodka...

  • Why is Jesus bad at hockey?

    He always gets nailed to the boards.

  • What happened when Jesus 'screwed' around?

    He got *nailed*.

  • How did Jesus get across Jerusalem on a busy Friday afternoon?

    Cross traffic doesn't stop.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and Bono?

    Jesus doesn't think he's Bono

  • Why so down?

    Aquaman: People think I'm not a real superhero. I'm tired of being walked all over. *Jesus enters Aquaman: Dammit!

  • Why doesn't Jesus play volleyball?

    All those spikes hurt his hands

  • What is Jesus' favorite gun?

    a nail gun!

  • How do we know Jesus wasn't good with the ladies?

    He only got nailed once

  • What would Burger Kings slogan be if Jesus founded it?

    Have it Yahweh

  • What is Jesus's go-to pickup line?

    Would you like me to show you what it feels like to get nailed?

  • What did the mexican boy say to his mom after he mopped the floors and found his brother?

    I've cleaned up and found Jesus.

  • What's the first sign of football in the bible?

    Jesus going up for the cross!

  • Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

    He's always nailed to the boards....

  • How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad?

    Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.

  • What was the most pivotal point in Jesus' ministry?

    When he turned the tables on the Temple vendors!

  • What do you think Jesus' favorite gun would be?

    A nail gun

  • What did God say to Jesus?

    This lawn ain't gonna mow itself.

  • What did Jesus say when he was nailed upon the cross?

    Me! That hurts!"

  • How does Jesus like his hotwings?

    Tinder and Mild.

  • What type of board will you be riding?

    Jesus: looks at feet They're using boards

  • Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers?

    Math hue.

  • What is Jesus' favorite video game on earth?

    I am bread.

  • How did Jesus like his chicken?


  • What do Jesus and a nerd have in common?

    Both are long-haired, live at their parents' till their 30's, and if they'll do anything, it is considered a miracle.

  • Why didn't Jesus have any children?

    He only got nailed by guys )

  • What do you call a carpenter who needs fewer nails?


  • Why do all the ladies love Jesus?

    spreads out arms to fullest length) Because he was hung like this.

  • Why did Jesus drink wine at the last supper?

    Because in 3 days, he would be a raisin

  • What would be Jesus' favorite gun?

    A nail gun

  • What was Jesus' reaction to being crucified?

    He was cross.

  • Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

    Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

  • Why wasn't Jesus any good at math?

    Because he always seemed to get hung up on addition.

  • What car does Jesus drive?

    A Chrysler

  • What's it called when Jesus walks across the street?

    A cross walk

  • Why Do Women Love Jesus?

    He was well hung and super into cross fitting!

  • What is Jesus' favorite workout?

    Pontius Pilates

  • What name does Jesus use when delivering pizzas?

    Chjesus Chrust *Thanks I will show myself out*

  • Why did Jesus die on the cross?

    he forgot the safe word

  • Why is the Flying Spaghetti Monster made of Pasta?

    Because "made of bread" was already taken by Jesus.

  • How is Jesus different from other carpenters?

    Unlike other carpenters, Jesus may actually return one day

  • Why did Jesus get a ticket?

    He tried to skip the Cross walk.

  • What do you call a penny with Jesus on it?

    J.C. Penny

  • Why doesn't Jesus like M&M's?

    Because they fall through his hands.

  • How did 1337 Jesus escape his tomb?

    X-Post from ProgrammerHumor) He used an encrypted key.

  • How do you say "Jesus take the wheel" in Arabic?

    Allah take the flight controls

  • Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?


  • Why do girls NOT like Jesus?

    NSFW Because every time he gets nailed it takes him 3 days to get it back up again.

  • What would Jesus's favorite gun be?

    A nail gun

  • What was Jesus's favorite band?

    Nine Inch Nails.

  • What is Jesus's favorite gun?

    A nail gun.

  • Why did Jesus run off the airplane?

    He didn't like the Pilate

  • What was Jesus favorite games?

    Hangman and lacrosse

  • Why didn't Jesus ever play in the NHL?

    because every time he tried he got nailed to the boards!

  • Why doesn't Jesus play basketball?

    He got crossed up.

  • Why is fruit so expensive?

    I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

  • What did Pontius Pilate say to Jesus?

    If you drop that damn Cross again you are out of my Parade.

  • How did jesus get so fit?

    He did lots of cross fit

  • What did the atheist say when he saw Jesus?

    I can't believe this. What did he tell his atheist friend? You won't believe this.

  • Why did Jesus fall on the side of the road?

    Because he was crossed.

  • Why did Jesus take three days to resurrect after dying on the cross?

    Because the date wasn't nailed down.

  • What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

    Nine Inch Nails

  • Why did Jesus leave the dance floor?

    Because it was Hammertime'

  • Why can't Jesus play hockey?

    He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!...

  • Why was Jesus crucified instead of stoned?

    So Catholics could do this makes the sign of the cross, instead of this bangs self in head with fists.

  • Why doesn't Jesus like M&?

    Ms? They keep falling through. If that's not offensive enough, replace it with black Jesus and skittles.

  • What's the difference between a religious revival and a bikers rally?

    At a religious revival, they say "STAND UP FOR JESUS" At a bikers rally, they say "SIT DOWN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE"

  • What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus?

    Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on.

  • What kind of car did Jesus drive?

    a manual.

  • How long are your arms?

    Jesus: Why Judas: Like in a cross, how long Jesus: A what Judas:Across. How long across.

  • Why did Jesus go to a Candy shop?

    To Test a Mint

  • What did the roman soldier say after crucifying Jesus?

    Nailed it

  • How did Jesus lose his virginity?

    When he was nailed on the cross.

  • What do your mom and Jesus have in common?

    They both got nailed

  • Why do Mexicans keep naming their child Jesus?

    Jesus wasn't Mexican. He was human.

  • What would Jesus actually do?

    Probably ban nail guns

  • How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter. 2. Be a nice guy. 3. ?

    4. Prophet.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and a whore?

    The expression on their face when they're getting nailed.

  • What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways?

    He died on the cross!

  • What do you call it when a person acts holy for a night then sins every day after?

    A one night stand with Jesus

  • Why did the foot smile?

    He was toe very happy. Jesus that is awful.

  • Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus?

    She heard about his second coming

  • What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Christmas is over?

    OC (please use your Ahnold voice) Hasta la vista, Baby....Jesus.

  • Why does Jesus always leave a door open for you?

    Because he was born in a barn.

  • Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?

    Because Jesus saves.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and his portrait ?

    His portrait only need one nail

  • What did they call Jesus after He died on the cross?


  • What were Jesus' final words?

    So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.

  • What did Jesus say to Mohammed...?

    What did Jesus say to Mohammed 'I died for you' What did Mohammed say in return 'How many did you take with you '

  • What did Jesus say to the Eskimos?

    Many are cold, but few are frozen.

  • What do Jesus, Gandhi and Mel Gibson all have in common?

    They all had a brave-heart.

  • What goes over the water, and under the water, but stays dry?

    Jesus in a submarine.

  • What other miracles can you do?

    Jesus: I can varnish 'You mean vanish ' J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite

  • What do Jesus and Muhammad have in common?

    They both nailed a 2x4.

  • How do you know Jesus loves Japanese food?

    Because he said he loves miso.

  • What did Michael Fox bring to baby Jesus?


  • Why can't you play peek-a-boo with Jesus?

    Because he has holes in his hands

  • Why did Carrie Underwood run out of cheese?

    Because Jesus took the wheel.

  • What brand of underwear did Jesus wear?

    Fruit of the Womb

  • What would Jesus say if you angered him?

    I'm Crossed."

  • Which woman has Jesus as a nephew?

    The Auntie Christ.

  • Why didn't Jesus play during the Isreal-Palestine soccer game?

    He got suspended.

  • What do Jesus and my high school girlfriend have in common?

    They both bled for me.

  • How do Mexicans greet Dr. Seuss?


  • What did Jesus say to the man with leprocy?


  • Why did Mary Magdalen love Jesus?

    Because he was hung like this

  • What was the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible?

    When Jesus cleared the temple.

  • Why couldn't Jesus play marbles?

    Because they kept falling through his hands.

  • Why did Jesus hang on the cross for three days?

    He forgot the safe word.

  • What was Jesus doing on Holy Saturday?

    Just chilling.

  • What's Jesus' favorite car?

    A Christler.

  • How did Jesus stay in shape?


  • Why did Jesus go to the gym?

    To make sure his cross fit.

  • What is Jesus' favorite mathematical operation?

    The Cross Product

  • What did Jesus say to the Mexicans?

    Don't do anything until I get back

  • Why dosn't Jesus christ play hockey?

    Because he'd always get nailed into the boards

  • What did Jesus say while he was getting crucified?

    A: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (feel free to share yours)

  • Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

    He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

  • What do you get when you cross Jesus with a dinosaur?

    A velocirapture

  • What did the people who hung Jesus to the cross say?

    Nailed it

  • Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?

    They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

  • How do we know Jesus was a man?

    We've had to wait 2,000 years for his second coming.

  • What is black Jesus' favorite fruit?


  • How did Jesus get to the other side of the street?

    He used the Cross Walk.

  • What did Jesus want when he appeared on a piece of toast?

    Miracle whip.

  • Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey?

    He kept getting nailed to the boards.

  • How can we supply that many?

    Jesus: *winks at camera*

  • Why didn't Jesus' business break even?

    It wasn't making enough prophet

  • What was the first mention of soccer in the bible?

    When Jesus went up for the cross.

  • Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

    Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards!

  • What do you call someone who likes to dress up like Jesus?

    A cross-dresser.

  • What did Jesus say after he healed the blind man?

    Made you look!

  • What did Jesus say to Melchior?

    Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

  • What's brownish and runs on oil?

    Jesus in a hurry.

  • Why doesn't Jesus like M&M's?

    Because they fall through his hands.

  • How did Jesus get so ripped?

    He does crossfit.

  • Why can't Jesus play Football?

    He has flashbacks every time he looks at the goal

  • What was the best thing about Jesus' crucifixion?

    Well, the cross was a big plus

  • Why is the door to heaven always open?

    Because Jesus was born in a barn.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and the chicken that crossed the road?

    Jesus died on the cross

  • What sways from side to side?

    Jesus on a rubber cross!

  • Why were all the ladies attracted to Jesus?

    Because he was hung like this. (Hold your arms out wide)

  • How did Jesus stay in such good shape?

    Cross fit.

  • What is Jesus' favourite dessert?


  • Who, Jesus?

    No, dummy. Superman.

  • How does Jesus make his coffee?

    Hebrews it.

  • What are your plans for Easter?

    Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

  • What did Jesus say to the flock of sheep?

    I herd that.

  • Why is Jesus happy people hang pictures of him?

    It only takes one nail to put him on a wall.

  • Why do the ladies love Jesus?

    This joke makes more sense if you can see it in person, but we'll give it a shot, anyway. Use your imagination. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he was hung like this!

  • What do you call the crucified baby Jesus?

    Baby on board.

  • What's your opener?

    JESUS: "God loves you." You BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too

  • What was Jesus' favorite sport?


  • Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward?

    Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.

  • Whats the difference between Jesus and Mexicans?

    Jesus doesn't have Mexicans tattooed all over him.

  • What does the 'H' in Jesus 'H' Christ stand for?


  • How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg?

    Cause thay had a weigh in the mangor.

  • Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?

    Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.

  • What did Jesus' disciples say when he caught all those fishes?


  • What did Jesus do to lose weight?


  • What kind of exercise did Jesus do?


  • What's the difference between Jesus and Mexicans?

    Jesus doesn't have any tattoos of Mexicans.

  • What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?

    He got crossed.

  • What does Jesus say when someone cuts his call?

    Hello.. Hello..? Lama sabachthani?!

  • Why is Jesus' body bread?

    Because given enough time it rises

  • Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?


  • What does the son of God do when he is the victim of medical malpractice?


  • What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

    It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

  • Why wasn't the son of God worried when Microsoft Word crashed while he was writing his term paper?

    Because Jesus saves.

  • Why did Jesus get all the ladies?

    Because he was hung like this (extends arms to sides)

  • How did Jesus pay for our sins?


  • What type of Martial Arts does Jesus know?

    Jiu Jitsu.

  • What is Jesus's least favorite gun?

    A nail gun.

  • What if they found the face of Jesus in a piece of toast but it was *actually* Jesus?

    This is my body, I'm nice with jam."

  • Why did Jesus have to walk everywhere?

    He drove a Ford.

  • Why is Jesus so rich?

    Because Jesus saves.

  • Why doesn't Jesus play hockey anymore?

    He kept on getting nailed into the boards.

  • What did Jesus say when he made his return?

    Hey guys! What's goin on Tweet my return! #JesusReturns"

  • Why was Jesus I such good shape?

    Crossfit. Why did the Romans hate Jesus so much? He wouldn't shut up about crossfit.

  • What can walk over the water, but can travel under the water without getting wet?

    Jesus in a submarine.

  • Why didn't Jesus get into college?

    Because he got nailed on the boards.

  • What did Jesus say after he was resurrected?

    Nailed it

  • Why doesn't Jesus enjoy manicures or pedicures?

    Because they always try to mess with his nails.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?

    The look on their face while being nailed.

  • What did Jesus say to Peter?


  • What type of car would Jesus drive?

    A Chrysler

  • Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?

    Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

  • What's in the bottle?

    Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

  • Why didn't Jesus start a charity?

    Cuz they're not for prophets.

  • Why is Jesus bad at crossword puzzles?

    He always gets stuck on 2 Across.

  • What do jesus and girls have in common?

    The expression on their faces when they got nailed.

  • What kind of bike does hipster Jesus ride?

    A Cruci-fixie.

  • Why is Jesus terrible at hockey?

    He keeps getting pinned to the boards.

  • What's the difference between Bono and Jesus?

    Jesus didn't walk around Dublin acting like he's Bono.

  • How did Jesus feel after the last supper?

    A bit cross.

  • Why couldn't Jesus waterski?

    Because he never existed.

  • What is Jesus' favorite band?

    Nine Inch Nails

  • Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

    I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

  • What version of windows does Jesus use?

    XP Edit: Explanation(

  • Whats the difference between Jesus and a whore?

    They both moan when you nail them, but only one of them actually enjoys it.

  • Why was Jesus in such good shape when he died?

    He was Cross-Fit.

  • What kind of music did Jesus hate?

    Anything by Judas Priest and Nine Inch Nails.

  • Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?

    He couldn't remove three nails to save his life

  • Why did jesus take 3 days to resurrect?

    He got hammered with his buddies.

  • What workout routine did Jesus stick to best?


  • Why did the nun call the Womens helpline?

    because she was touched by Jesus.

  • Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?

    Because Jesus WEPt.

  • What do you get when you cross Jesus and a couple of criminals?

    A good Friday

  • What's the difference between Mexicans and Jesus?

    Jesus didn't have tattoos of Mexicans all over body

  • What do you call a crocodile/robot sent from the future to save the past?

    Termigator (jesus christ this one's even worse than the last)

  • How do we know Jesus wasn't a virgin?

    Because he got nailed three times.

  • What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common?

    Nails in their hands and feet

  • Why does Jesus Jaywalk?

    Because he hates crosswalks

  • Why does jesus not play video games?

    Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn

  • Why do mathematicians love talking about Jesus?

    Because he's a cross product.

  • Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business?

    He got too attached to his work.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and a bunch of Mexicans?

    Jesus doesn't have a bunch of Mexicans tattooed all over himself.

  • Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

    He kept getting nailed to the boards.

  • What did jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior?

    Yall nailed it.

  • What would Jesus do?

    is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD Well, he'd get out and walk to shore. See

  • Why does Jesus hate M&Ms?

    They keep falling through his hands.

  • What can both Christians and Atheists agree on about Jesus?

    Kanye's not him.

  • How did Jesus feel when they crucified him?

    He was cross.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and a Mexican?

    Jesus didn't have a bunch of tattoos of a Mexican...

  • What was Jesus's least favorite bone?

    The blasfemur

  • How much does Jesus love you?

    Thiiiiiiis much. (Must be said while arms are raised out to side)

  • What do Hispanic parents say to teach their son to drive?

    Jesus, take the wheel!

  • What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns?

    I think he would be most strict on nail gun control. (Credit to Taylor on PKA)

  • What do Jesus and your mom have in common?

    They both got nailed all night.

  • Why did Jesus have a six pack?

    It was from all the cross-training...

  • What did Judas say after capturing Jesus?

    Nailed it.

  • What did Jesus say when they un-nailed his hands from the cross?


  • What do you call a statue of Jesus made out of cigarettes?

    Holy smokes.

  • How did the Chinese atheist get to heaven?

    Jesus said to him "Behold! I am risen!" and he said "That's nice I don't bereave you."

  • What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters?

    Jesus may actually return some day.

  • What strengths do you bring to the job?

    long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now

  • Why doesn't Jesus Play Hockey???

    Because he doesn't want to be nailed to the boards.

  • Why did Jesus die ?

    He forgot his safe word.

  • What did the Klondike Bar say to Jesus?

    What would you do.

  • What do Jesus and germs have in common?

    Nobody has ever seen them directly, but everyone says they exist.

  • Why did Jesus stop playing hockey?

    Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

  • What did the Romans say to each other after crucifying Jesus?

    Nailed it!"

  • What gym equipment does Jesus use?

    A cross trainer.

  • What's it called when you look in the mirror and say "jesus christ I look good"?

    Using the lords name in vanity

  • What would you call Jesus if he was born in Mexico?

    The Chosen Juan.

  • How did Jesus get his beach bod for the summer?

    Cross fit

  • What did the black Jesus say to the black Black Buddah?

    Allah back!

  • Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle?

    He always gets stuck on across.

  • Why didn't Jesus cross the road?

    Because you can't cross a road when your nailed to a cross

  • Who's that?

    Darth Vader." "Was he 1 of Jesus disciples " "I dunno, I've only seen the 1st movie."