Job Jokes

  • Why does Garfield hate Mondays?

    He doesn't have a job.

  • Why did the cookie get fired from his job?

    He came to work baked.

  • Why did I quit my job in Mexico?

    It didn't peso well.

  • Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office?

    Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.

  • Why was the programmer unhappy at his job?

    He wanted arrays. It had to be reiterated several times before it was sorted out.

  • Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?

    A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.

  • Why are high end clocks designed and made in Switzerland?

    As they don't get arrested for doing their job as they do in America!

  • What song do burgers sing on the job?

    Gristle While You Work!

  • Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man?

    The Book of Job.

  • What's the difference between your job and your wife?

    Nobody does your job for you when you're out

  • Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?

    He didn't like being spoken to in that voice

  • What are your expectations?

    Me : Job. Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job Me : Salary

  • How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?

    About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.

  • What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the iPhone 6 started?

    Looking for Jobs.

  • What is your opinion on women making 75% of a man's wages for the same job?

    I said "Congratulations!!!"

  • What did Alex Trebek say when he was about to lose his job?

    My career is in Jeopardy!"

  • How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb?

    Only one but 200 applied for the job.

  • What did the hippy say when he was told to get off the couch and get a job?

    Namaste (pronounced:nah I'ma stay)

  • Why is the KKK a good place to find a job?

    Cos they'll always hook a brutha up

  • What do you call an oyster who can't find another job?

    A clamboni driver!

  • Why did Opey get fired from his job as a pizza delivery boy?

    Because Opey never delivered.

  • What do black people and Apple Inc. have in common?

    They have no jobs

  • What did the tailor say about her job?

    It's sew sew

  • How do apply for a job at the NSA?

    You make a private phone call to anyone else, and submit your application.

  • How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job?

    She swallowed

  • What do you call a gynecologist who really loves his job?

    Ovary Enthusiastic

  • How bad is the economy?

    Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

  • Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job?

    Because he had a crack addiction.

  • Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate?

    He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.

  • Why did Rick Astley get fired from his job at the video store?

    Because he refused to rent someone a copy of the Pixar flick "Up".

  • What job did the farmer give to his learning-disabled child?


  • What did you like most about your last job?

    ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

  • Why did the cyclops quit his job as a teacher?

    He only had one pupil.

  • How did Bob loose his job at the sperm bank?

    He was always drinking on the job

  • How does a neckbeard neurologist address a Hispanic midwife who can't quit her job?

    M'doula obligada.

  • How did you lose your last job?

    I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.

  • When are they going to bring slavery back?

    I am tired of looking for a job.

  • Why are miners always narcissistic?

    Because they MINE as a job.

  • Why did the doctor lose his job?

    He lost his patience

  • What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?

    It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

  • Why did the angel lose her job?

    She had harp failure.

  • Why did the invisible man turn down the job?

    He couldn't see himself doing the work

  • Why did Holden Caulfield hate his job at Sprint?

    He was surrounded by phone-ys!

  • Why is Apple donating money to cancer research?

    Cancer stole our jobs!"

  • What do you call a Spanish matador who is not very good at his job?

    I'd say he's fairly incapa .

  • Why do you want to join the Secret Service?

    Me: "It's a secret." Job interviewer: "You got the job."

  • What's the difference between cancer and black people?

    Cancer got Jobs.

  • What's the difference between a group of snowboarders and lifties (lift attendants)?

    The lift attendants have jobs.

  • What's the one thing a black person will never steal?

    Your job.

  • What did one cancer cell say to the other cancer cell ?

    Let's go get Jobs.

  • Why did all the Black people move to Detroit?

    Because they heard there were no jobs there.

  • Why did the banker leave his job?

    he lost interest

  • Why does the can crusher hate his job?

    Because it's soda pressing.

  • Why are Plumbers always so tired?

    Because their job is draining.

  • How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror?

    Oh questions about the job No I'm good."

  • What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

    Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

  • Why did the apple pie get fired from his job?

    Because he showed up baked.

  • Why did the ska kid not get the job?

    they were worried about his checkered past

  • What is the job of a gentleman pimp?

    To Tally-hos!

  • What's your job?

    Programming. "What's your hobby " Programming. "What do you do when you're not programming " Think about programming.

  • What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

    The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

  • Why did the can-crusher quit his job?

    Because it was soda pressing.

  • What makes you qualified for this job?

    Me: Because i work for less and good at licking. Mgmt: You're hired.

  • How many koalas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Only one, given that he's koali-fied for the job.

  • What is the most inappropriate thing to say to someone who just lost their job?

    You had one job.

  • What's your strongest trait?

    My fingers. "No, like... Are you pinching me " GIVE ME fighting to maintain pinch THE JOB

  • Why can't bears get jobs in Australia?

    They don't have the right koalfications!

  • What do you call a Private Investigator who is bad at his job?

    A Defective!

  • Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

    I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

  • What job do rabbits at hotels have?


  • What do chicks and jobs have in common?

    They're usually only interest in you if you already have one.

  • What's the worst way to lose your job?

    By firing squad.

  • Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

    Because she couldn't control her pupils.

  • Why do chemists love bad jokes?

    Their jobs get a lot easier when there are no reactions

  • How do you spot a bad boss your first day on the job?

    Check his/her pulse. (bitter at the workplace)

  • What's the difference between blacks and cancer cells?

    Cancer cells can get Jobs.

  • Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job?


  • What do you call an NBA Superstar who's first job was stocking milk?


  • Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?

    Because she was drinking on the job.

  • What's the difference between a hipster and a lumberjack?

    The lumberjack has a job.

  • When were you most satisfied at your last job?

    Me: After lunch, next question.

  • What did the tailor say after a job well done?

    There is nothing left too loose.

  • Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis?

    Nobody in the government does their job.

  • What is he doing now?

    Friend: "Nothing" Me: "But I thought he got the job! " Friend: "Yes he did."

  • How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb?

    Only one but 200 applied for the job.

  • What do Apple and Blackberry have in common?

    Neither one has Jobs.

  • Why are spectators so happy with their jobs?

    Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder

  • Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

    When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.

  • How to get a job on Game of Thrones: Q: Can you act?

    A: Sorta Q: Will you get naked A: Yes HIRED!

  • What does a geography graduate do with a lightbulb?

    Not get a job.

  • What's the difference between having a job and being a homeless drug addict?

    One takes over your life and turns you into brainless zombie and the other one makes you homeless.

  • Why did the programmer quit his job?

    Because he didn't get arrays.

  • What job do you never stop training for?


  • Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?

    Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly. "Oh damn, shots fired!" But not by the pizza guy.

  • What did the sarcastic taximan say when he lost his job?

    Oh well that's just uber, isn't it

  • Why did the girl quit her job at the doughnut factory?

    Because she was fed up with the hole business.

  • Why did the concrete fail at its job?

    It couldn't take the shear stress

  • What strengths do you bring to the job?

    long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now

  • How many Americans does it take to screw a lightbulb?

    None. Their President outsources the job to India.

  • Why did OP get fired from his job as a mailman?

    He never delivered.

  • Whatever happened to the Bob the Builder kids show?

    Handy Manny took his job.

  • Why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long?

    Because as soon as they start they get fired.

  • Why did the doctor quit his job?

    He ran out of patients.

  • I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

    They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

  • What makes the scarecrow so good at his job?

    He's outstanding in his field

  • Why did the cow get a job at Google?

    Because she was out standing in her field.

  • Why couldn't the giraffe get a job at the bank?

    They weren't hiring.

  • Why did the man quit his job at the bakery?

    He didn't knead any more dough.

  • How can you tell if a Mobile software developer isn't enjoying his job?

    He isn't very App-y

  • How many bitter Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

    None, we've decided to let a man do the job.

  • What do you get when you play country music backwards?

    You get your job back, you get your wife back and you get your tractor back.

  • Why was the teenage girl fired from her job at the casino?


  • Why did the tumblrina quit being a teacher?

    It wasn't her job to educate people.

  • What does its job only after its been fired?

    A bullet.

  • How can that help in this job?

    You do the math"

  • How do you make a motherboard?

    I asked him. He said, "Tell her about my job."

  • Why did you leave your last job?

    I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"

  • How do know a job's been done by a lesbian carpenter?

    There are no nails, and no screws, it's all tongue and groove!

  • Why did the stoneworker get fired?

    Because he took his job for granite I'll show myself out.

  • Why didn't the recently single goose lose her job when she made a mistake?

    Because she had one heck of an ex-goose

  • How long were you at your last job?

    A: "Seven-and-a-half inches... same as now"

  • How can you see if a Hairdresser is not suitable for the job anymore?

    He/she barely even cuts it anymore.

  • Why did the mathematician quit his job and join NASCAR?

    They told him he was good at deriving

  • Why don't house painters wear wedding rings on the job?

    Nobody wants to marry an underemployed alcoholic.

  • Why'd the factory worker hate their job?

    Because it was soda pressing.

  • Why did Ted get fired from his job?

    Because he would only do the minimum?

  • What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a black man?

    Someone who steals your job then doesn't show up.

  • Why did you apply for this job?

    Me: Because being broke and homeless didn't really call out to me.

  • Why did the Mexican lorry driver lose his job?

    He ate his tacho.

  • How do you get a job with Apple?

    Be born in China.

  • Why can't you trust a garbage man who loves his job?

    Because he's always talking trash.

  • What do you call a guy stuck in the same job for 30 years?

    A four term US senator.

  • What's the difference between my job and my boss's daughter?

    I'm not coming into work today

  • How did the hot dog vendor tackle his job?

    A: With relish.

  • Why does the farmer hate his job?

    because he has a deep-seeded hatred for planting.

  • What did the rubber say when he was offered a job as the high school choir teacher?

    I can't, I'm not a conductor." Pffffffhehewheheheheheh.

  • Why did Victoria lose her job?

    We don't know, it's Victoria's secret.

  • How do you like your job testing push-up bras?

    The other woman replies, "It has its perks."

  • Why did the vengeful fireman lose his job?

    He tried fighting fire with fire.

  • Why was the distracted man fired from his job at the distillery?

    Because he couldn't concentrate

  • Why did the bacteriologist quit her job?

    She hated being microbe-managed.

  • Why did the scarecrow get the job?

    Because he was out standing in his field.

  • Why did the geologist quit his job?

    His boss always took him for granite.

  • Why cant a Gorilla get a job?


  • What's the difference between an Art major and a guy who mops bathrooms at KFC?

    One has a job.

  • Why was a missile looking for a job?

    Because it got fired!

  • How about something personal?

    Me: Personally I need a job.

  • What's the difference between a degree in Theoretical Physics and a theoretical degree in Physics?

    One is relevant and can get you a job. The other you went to university for.

  • What type of job does T-Rex have?

    He is small arms dealer

  • Why didn't the potter get a job?

    He didn't *urn* his degree.

  • What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?

    The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.

  • What happens if you sing country music backwards?

    A: You get your job and your wife back.

  • What's the difference between a black person and cancer?

    Cancer got Jobs

  • Why are there so many black people in Detroit?

    It's because they heard there was no jobs there.

  • How many Americans does it take to screw a lightbulb?

    None. Their President outsources the job to India.

  • What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job?

    A man who is outstanding in his field.

  • Why didn't the bullet have a job?

    It got fired.

  • Where you see yourself in 5 years?

    Doing your job. "And me " Jobless and upset about the divorce "OMG" *runs out crying*

  • Why did Raekwon tha Chef get fired from his job at an oyster bar?

    Cuz Wu Tang Clan got nuttin' to shuck with.

  • Why did the Koala Bear get a job?

    He was Koalified

  • Why don't the police protest against BLM?

    Because they have jobs.

  • Why was Farmer Bob so good at his job?

    Because he was outstanding in his field

  • Why did the French Hen give up her job?

    One day she'd just had un uf.

  • What did you like best about your last job?

    Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."

  • How to get a job without experience ?

    Just run for office!

  • Why you cannot think of landing a job or business without internet?

    No connection

  • What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?

    Morning wood.

  • Why did the programmer quit his job?

    Because he didn't get arrays.

  • Why didn't the koala get a job?

    He didn't have enough koalifications!

  • What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other unemployed cancer cell?

    Let's get Jobs. Found in the comments of a post by

  • What do cancer cells do when they get bored?

    they get jobs

  • What did the pope give up for lent?

    His job.

  • How did Ellen Pao get her job as CEO or Reddit?


  • Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?

    Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job "ok" Number 7 will shock you "You're hired"

  • What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house?

    He became a quack head

  • What's a mortician's least favorite day on the job?

    Bring Your Kid to Work Day

  • Why can't the man take his job seriously?

    Because he's a clown! Buh bum tis

  • How long does it take to for Mexicans to do a job?

    Oh, wait they're done.

  • What's the difference between black people and cancer?

    Cancer got Jobs

  • How many ISIS mercenaries does it take to change a light bulb?

    None stupid crusader, that's a job for the hostages!

  • Why did the snowman get fired from his job?

    He was a snow call, snow show.

  • What job can you see yourself doing?

    Inspecting mirrors

  • Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers?

    They needed a developer.

  • Why did the one eyed banker lose his job?

    He didn't have any debtperception.

  • What's the difference between cancer and a black guy?

    Cancer can get jobs

  • Why couldn't Barbie get pregnant?

    Because they cast Amy Schumer and Ken couldn't get the job done.

  • Why did the metal worker at the recycling plant quit?

    His job was soda-pressing

  • Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?

    She was fed up with the hole business.

  • Why did the man get a job as a horse handler?

    He wanted stable employment

  • Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died?

    He just needed a little bit of Clojure.

  • Why didn't the bunny get the job as a marsupial?

    He wasn't koalafied!

  • What do Apple and the US economy have in common now?

    No Jobs

  • Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?

    He was always standing up on the job!

  • What does 9/11 and cancer have in common?

    They were both inside Jobs

  • How is your job and your wife different?

    I don't mind telling work the other jobs I've done

  • Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory?

    Because he went crackers.

  • Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks?


  • What did the management consultant think of his job?

    It was the Bain of his existence.

  • Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?

    He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

  • What do you say to a chav that has got a job?

    Bigmac and fries please

  • What do you say to an art student with a job?

    Uhh, I would like the Quarter Pounder with Cheese"

  • What did the scarecrow say when asked about his job?

    This job isn't for everyone, but's in my jeans"

  • Where did the seaweed... Where did the seaweed find a job?

    In the "Kelp Wanted" section of the want-ads.

  • Why was the midget fired from his job?

    He came up short on his register.

  • How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.

  • What do you say to a black guy with a job?

    Keep at it, inmate!

  • Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy's name attached?

    Why aren't plumbers called, like, toiletdougs Or crapperjoels

  • Why was the powerlifter fired from his job at the restaurant?

    He was awesome at cleaning the bar, but he wouldn't stop jerking it.

  • What do you call someone who can't find a job?

    A Psych major. (Pls list your own response - if you're awake and in America at this time, you should have a pretty good one). Thanks.

  • Why did the can crusher quit his job?

    Because it was soda-pressing

  • What job pays you to shoot people but not harm them?

    A photographer.

  • What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other?

    Lets get Jobs!