Job Jokes
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Why does Garfield hate Mondays?
He doesn't have a job.
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Why did the cookie get fired from his job?
He came to work baked.
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Why did I quit my job in Mexico?
It didn't peso well.
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Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office?
Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.
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Why was the programmer unhappy at his job?
He wanted arrays. It had to be reiterated several times before it was sorted out.
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Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
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Why are high end clocks designed and made in Switzerland?
As they don't get arrested for doing their job as they do in America!
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What song do burgers sing on the job?
Gristle While You Work!
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Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man?
The Book of Job.
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What's the difference between your job and your wife?
Nobody does your job for you when you're out
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Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?
He didn't like being spoken to in that voice
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What are your expectations?
Me : Job. Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job Me : Salary
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How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?
About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.
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What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the iPhone 6 started?
Looking for Jobs.
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What is your opinion on women making 75% of a man's wages for the same job?
I said "Congratulations!!!"
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What did Alex Trebek say when he was about to lose his job?
My career is in Jeopardy!"
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How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but 200 applied for the job.
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What did the hippy say when he was told to get off the couch and get a job?
Namaste (pronounced:nah I'ma stay)
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Why is the KKK a good place to find a job?
Cos they'll always hook a brutha up
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What do you call an oyster who can't find another job?
A clamboni driver!
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Why did Opey get fired from his job as a pizza delivery boy?
Because Opey never delivered.
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What do black people and Apple Inc. have in common?
They have no jobs
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What did the tailor say about her job?
It's sew sew
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How do apply for a job at the NSA?
You make a private phone call to anyone else, and submit your application.
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How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job?
She swallowed
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What do you call a gynecologist who really loves his job?
Ovary Enthusiastic
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How bad is the economy?
Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
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Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job?
Because he had a crack addiction.
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Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate?
He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.
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Why did Rick Astley get fired from his job at the video store?
Because he refused to rent someone a copy of the Pixar flick "Up".
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What job did the farmer give to his learning-disabled child?
Herder
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What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
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Why did the cyclops quit his job as a teacher?
He only had one pupil.
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How did Bob loose his job at the sperm bank?
He was always drinking on the job
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How does a neckbeard neurologist address a Hispanic midwife who can't quit her job?
M'doula obligada.
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How did you lose your last job?
I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.
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When are they going to bring slavery back?
I am tired of looking for a job.
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Why are miners always narcissistic?
Because they MINE as a job.
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Why did the doctor lose his job?
He lost his patience
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What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?
It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.
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Why did the angel lose her job?
She had harp failure.
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job?
He couldn't see himself doing the work
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Why did Holden Caulfield hate his job at Sprint?
He was surrounded by phone-ys!
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Why is Apple donating money to cancer research?
Cancer stole our jobs!"
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What do you call a Spanish matador who is not very good at his job?
I'd say he's fairly incapa .
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Why do you want to join the Secret Service?
Me: "It's a secret." Job interviewer: "You got the job."
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What's the difference between cancer and black people?
Cancer got Jobs.
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What's the difference between a group of snowboarders and lifties (lift attendants)?
The lift attendants have jobs.
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What's the one thing a black person will never steal?
Your job.
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What did one cancer cell say to the other cancer cell ?
Let's go get Jobs.
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Why did all the Black people move to Detroit?
Because they heard there were no jobs there.
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Why did the banker leave his job?
he lost interest
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Why does the can crusher hate his job?
Because it's soda pressing.
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Why are Plumbers always so tired?
Because their job is draining.
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How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror?
Oh questions about the job No I'm good."
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What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?
Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"
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Why did the apple pie get fired from his job?
Because he showed up baked.
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Why did the ska kid not get the job?
they were worried about his checkered past
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What is the job of a gentleman pimp?
To Tally-hos!
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What's your job?
Programming. "What's your hobby " Programming. "What do you do when you're not programming " Think about programming.
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What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?
The mythbusters and ghostbusters.
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Why did the can-crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
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What makes you qualified for this job?
Me: Because i work for less and good at licking. Mgmt: You're hired.
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How many koalas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one, given that he's koali-fied for the job.
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What is the most inappropriate thing to say to someone who just lost their job?
You had one job.
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What's your strongest trait?
My fingers. "No, like... Are you pinching me " GIVE ME fighting to maintain pinch THE JOB
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Why can't bears get jobs in Australia?
They don't have the right koalfications!
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What do you call a Private Investigator who is bad at his job?
A Defective!
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Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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What job do rabbits at hotels have?
Bellhop.
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What do chicks and jobs have in common?
They're usually only interest in you if you already have one.
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What's the worst way to lose your job?
By firing squad.
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Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?
Because she couldn't control her pupils.
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Why do chemists love bad jokes?
Their jobs get a lot easier when there are no reactions
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How do you spot a bad boss your first day on the job?
Check his/her pulse. (bitter at the workplace)
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What's the difference between blacks and cancer cells?
Cancer cells can get Jobs.
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Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job?
Ubisoft
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What do you call an NBA Superstar who's first job was stocking milk?
Legen-dairy*
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Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
Because she was drinking on the job.
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What's the difference between a hipster and a lumberjack?
The lumberjack has a job.
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When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
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What did the tailor say after a job well done?
There is nothing left too loose.
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Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis?
Nobody in the government does their job.
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What is he doing now?
Friend: "Nothing" Me: "But I thought he got the job! " Friend: "Yes he did."
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How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but 200 applied for the job.
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What do Apple and Blackberry have in common?
Neither one has Jobs.
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Why are spectators so happy with their jobs?
Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder
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Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
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How to get a job on Game of Thrones: Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta Q: Will you get naked A: Yes HIRED!
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What does a geography graduate do with a lightbulb?
Not get a job.
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What's the difference between having a job and being a homeless drug addict?
One takes over your life and turns you into brainless zombie and the other one makes you homeless.
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Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didn't get arrays.
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What job do you never stop training for?
Conductor
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Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?
Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly. "Oh damn, shots fired!" But not by the pizza guy.
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What did the sarcastic taximan say when he lost his job?
Oh well that's just uber, isn't it
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Why did the girl quit her job at the doughnut factory?
Because she was fed up with the hole business.
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Why did the concrete fail at its job?
It couldn't take the shear stress
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What strengths do you bring to the job?
long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now
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How many Americans does it take to screw a lightbulb?
None. Their President outsources the job to India.
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Why did OP get fired from his job as a mailman?
He never delivered.
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Whatever happened to the Bob the Builder kids show?
Handy Manny took his job.
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Why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long?
Because as soon as they start they get fired.
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Why did the doctor quit his job?
He ran out of patients.
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I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
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What makes the scarecrow so good at his job?
He's outstanding in his field
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Why did the cow get a job at Google?
Because she was out standing in her field.
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Why couldn't the giraffe get a job at the bank?
They weren't hiring.
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Why did the man quit his job at the bakery?
He didn't knead any more dough.
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How can you tell if a Mobile software developer isn't enjoying his job?
He isn't very App-y
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How many bitter Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, we've decided to let a man do the job.
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What do you get when you play country music backwards?
You get your job back, you get your wife back and you get your tractor back.
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Why was the teenage girl fired from her job at the casino?
Because SHE JUST CAN'T DEAL
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Why did the tumblrina quit being a teacher?
It wasn't her job to educate people.
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What does its job only after its been fired?
A bullet.
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How can that help in this job?
You do the math"
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How do you make a motherboard?
I asked him. He said, "Tell her about my job."
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Why did you leave your last job?
I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"
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How do know a job's been done by a lesbian carpenter?
There are no nails, and no screws, it's all tongue and groove!
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Why did the stoneworker get fired?
Because he took his job for granite I'll show myself out.
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Why didn't the recently single goose lose her job when she made a mistake?
Because she had one heck of an ex-goose
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How long were you at your last job?
A: "Seven-and-a-half inches... same as now"
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How can you see if a Hairdresser is not suitable for the job anymore?
He/she barely even cuts it anymore.
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Why did the mathematician quit his job and join NASCAR?
They told him he was good at deriving
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Why don't house painters wear wedding rings on the job?
Nobody wants to marry an underemployed alcoholic.
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Why'd the factory worker hate their job?
Because it was soda pressing.
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Why did Ted get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the minimum?
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What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a black man?
Someone who steals your job then doesn't show up.
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Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn't really call out to me.
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Why did the Mexican lorry driver lose his job?
He ate his tacho.
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How do you get a job with Apple?
Be born in China.
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Why can't you trust a garbage man who loves his job?
Because he's always talking trash.
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What do you call a guy stuck in the same job for 30 years?
A four term US senator.
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What's the difference between my job and my boss's daughter?
I'm not coming into work today
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How did the hot dog vendor tackle his job?
A: With relish.
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Why does the farmer hate his job?
because he has a deep-seeded hatred for planting.
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What did the rubber say when he was offered a job as the high school choir teacher?
I can't, I'm not a conductor." Pffffffhehewheheheheheh.
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Why did Victoria lose her job?
We don't know, it's Victoria's secret.
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How do you like your job testing push-up bras?
The other woman replies, "It has its perks."
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Why did the vengeful fireman lose his job?
He tried fighting fire with fire.
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Why was the distracted man fired from his job at the distillery?
Because he couldn't concentrate
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Why did the bacteriologist quit her job?
She hated being microbe-managed.
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Why did the scarecrow get the job?
Because he was out standing in his field.
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Why did the geologist quit his job?
His boss always took him for granite.
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Why cant a Gorilla get a job?
BECAUSE HE'S BLACK
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What's the difference between an Art major and a guy who mops bathrooms at KFC?
One has a job.
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Why was a missile looking for a job?
Because it got fired!
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How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
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What's the difference between a degree in Theoretical Physics and a theoretical degree in Physics?
One is relevant and can get you a job. The other you went to university for.
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What type of job does T-Rex have?
He is small arms dealer
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Why didn't the potter get a job?
He didn't *urn* his degree.
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What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?
The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.
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What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.
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What's the difference between a black person and cancer?
Cancer got Jobs
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Why are there so many black people in Detroit?
It's because they heard there was no jobs there.
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How many Americans does it take to screw a lightbulb?
None. Their President outsources the job to India.
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What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job?
A man who is outstanding in his field.
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Why didn't the bullet have a job?
It got fired.
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Where you see yourself in 5 years?
Doing your job. "And me " Jobless and upset about the divorce "OMG" *runs out crying*
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Why did Raekwon tha Chef get fired from his job at an oyster bar?
Cuz Wu Tang Clan got nuttin' to shuck with.
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Why did the Koala Bear get a job?
He was Koalified
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Why don't the police protest against BLM?
Because they have jobs.
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Why was Farmer Bob so good at his job?
Because he was outstanding in his field
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Why did the French Hen give up her job?
One day she'd just had un uf.
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What did you like best about your last job?
Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
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How to get a job without experience ?
Just run for office!
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Why you cannot think of landing a job or business without internet?
No connection
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What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?
Morning wood.
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Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didn't get arrays.
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Why didn't the koala get a job?
He didn't have enough koalifications!
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What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other unemployed cancer cell?
Let's get Jobs. Found in the comments of a post by
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What do cancer cells do when they get bored?
they get jobs
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What did the pope give up for lent?
His job.
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How did Ellen Pao get her job as CEO or Reddit?
Deleted
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Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?
Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job "ok" Number 7 will shock you "You're hired"
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What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house?
He became a quack head
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What's a mortician's least favorite day on the job?
Bring Your Kid to Work Day
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Why can't the man take his job seriously?
Because he's a clown! Buh bum tis
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How long does it take to for Mexicans to do a job?
Oh, wait they're done.
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What's the difference between black people and cancer?
Cancer got Jobs
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How many ISIS mercenaries does it take to change a light bulb?
None stupid crusader, that's a job for the hostages!
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Why did the snowman get fired from his job?
He was a snow call, snow show.
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What job can you see yourself doing?
Inspecting mirrors
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Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers?
They needed a developer.
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Why did the one eyed banker lose his job?
He didn't have any debtperception.
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What's the difference between cancer and a black guy?
Cancer can get jobs
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Why couldn't Barbie get pregnant?
Because they cast Amy Schumer and Ken couldn't get the job done.
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Why did the metal worker at the recycling plant quit?
His job was soda-pressing
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Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?
She was fed up with the hole business.
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Why did the man get a job as a horse handler?
He wanted stable employment
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Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died?
He just needed a little bit of Clojure.
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Why didn't the bunny get the job as a marsupial?
He wasn't koalafied!
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What do Apple and the US economy have in common now?
No Jobs
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Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!
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What does 9/11 and cancer have in common?
They were both inside Jobs
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How is your job and your wife different?
I don't mind telling work the other jobs I've done
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Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory?
Because he went crackers.
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Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks?
HE LET BISCOTTI HIT THE FLOOR
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What did the management consultant think of his job?
It was the Bain of his existence.
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Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?
He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
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What do you say to a chav that has got a job?
Bigmac and fries please
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What do you say to an art student with a job?
Uhh, I would like the Quarter Pounder with Cheese"
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What did the scarecrow say when asked about his job?
This job isn't for everyone, but hay...it's in my jeans"
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Where did the seaweed... Where did the seaweed find a job?
In the "Kelp Wanted" section of the want-ads.
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Why was the midget fired from his job?
He came up short on his register.
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How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.
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What do you say to a black guy with a job?
Keep at it, inmate!
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Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy's name attached?
Why aren't plumbers called, like, toiletdougs Or crapperjoels
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Why was the powerlifter fired from his job at the restaurant?
He was awesome at cleaning the bar, but he wouldn't stop jerking it.
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What do you call someone who can't find a job?
A Psych major. (Pls list your own response - if you're awake and in America at this time, you should have a pretty good one). Thanks.
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Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda-pressing
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What job pays you to shoot people but not harm them?
A photographer.
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What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other?
Lets get Jobs!