Kick Jokes
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Why did the old man get kicked off the nudist colony's golf course?
He kept leaving ball marks on the greens.
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What's up, girl?
Do you like bad boys kicks rug or good guys fixes rug
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Why did the Smackhead kick the habit?
He didn't like nuns.
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How do you castrate a priest?
Kick the altar boy in the back off the head
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Why was the attorney kicked out of choir?
All she could sing was, "Law, law, law, law, law, law, law."
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Why does John Cena set his alarm at 1:59?
So he can kick out at 2.
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What's the German guy say when you kick him in teh crotch?
Oof, weinerpain!
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Why was the socialist kicked from his party?
Because he was anti social.
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Why was Cinderella kicked off the baseball team?
She kept running away from the ball
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How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two. One to change the bulb and the other to kick the switch.
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How do you call it when a girl kicks a boy in the groin during the first date?
Premature emasculation.
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How do you make a dinosaur?
Kick it up the arse
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How do you make Manischewitz Wine?
Kick him in the nuts.
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What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery ?
Namaste
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What hurts more giving birth or being kicked in the balls?
A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed.
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What do you call a person who doesn't care that he just got kicked out of a Call of Duty team?
unfazed*
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Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts?
Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with his broomstick.
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Why was Barbie kicked out of the toy box?
because she kept sitting on pinocchio's face moaning, "lie to me!"
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Why did raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face screaming "LIE TO ME"!
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Why are the majority of school shooters white?
Because the black kids don't wanna get kicked off the basketball team.
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Why did the director yell at Kick at the set of Punchkicker 5?
Because he said Punch's line.
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Why was the clown kicked out of the maths lesson?
Because he kept throwing his pi in other peoples faces!
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Why did the turkey get kicked out of the football stadium?
He tripped a fan
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How do you drown a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice. Put a line of peas around the hole. When the polar bear takes a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
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What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
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Why did you do that?
I replied,"That's what you're supposed to do in soccer, right Kick balls "
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What's the difference between a Brit and an American?
The Brit got kicked out and the American did the kicking.
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Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees ?
Because they kept droning on and on !
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What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken ?
She kicked the bucket !
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When is it okay to kick a midget in the balls?
When he tells you that your wife's hair smells good.
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Why was Cinderella kicked out of Walt Disney World?
Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to start telling lies.
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Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ?
Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket !
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Why were India kicked out of the Soccer world Cup held in England in 1966 ?
A. Every time they were given a corner, they built a shop."
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Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team?
She ran away from the ball.
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What's the best way to make a girl weak in the knees?
Kick em.
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Why did the midget get kicked out of the putt putt course?
because he wanted to play minijerkoff.
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What's the best way to kick a habit today (day after Thanksgiving)?
Cold turkey.
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What is the definition of torque?
When you wake up in the morning with an erection so stiff, that when you bend it down to take a leak, your legs kick back and you hit your head on the toilet.
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Why did the chord get kicked out of the bar?
Because he was Aminor
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Why did Bill Gates &?
Warren Buffett once have me quickly kicked out of a game of bridge? When it was my turn to bid I kept saying, "Go fish".
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Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?
She kept running away from the ball
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Why did the rockstar turkey get kicked out of the concert?
Because he tryptophan.
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What sound does a pigeon make when kicked in the nuts?
A high coo(/spoiler)
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What happened when the school bully went netsurfing?
The goalkeeper kicked him out of the football ground.
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Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer?
Pupil: You told me to put it in the Net.
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Why do you fight using only your feet?
Oh, y'know. For kicks.
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the Basketball team?
Cause she ran away from the ball
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When is the appropriate time to kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
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What do you do when your car is making a really annoying noise?
Open the door and kick her out.
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off for the soccer team?
She kept running from the ball.
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Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?
Because he had a very large bill.
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Why did the cheerleader get kicked out on her last day of school?
x-post from /r/punny Because you can't end on a prep position.
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Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight?
He brought the wrong carrion.
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Why is it good to know someone who kicks ducks in the face?
Because they're always footing the bill.
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Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?
Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.
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Why did Oscar Pistorius shoot his girlfriend in the bathroom?
Because he's one of the few people in World that couldn't kick down the door.
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What did the Christan principal say when she kicked a student out of school?
THE POWER OF CHRIST EXPELS YOU.
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How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb and the other to kick the switch.
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What did the Gregorian monk say when he was kicked out of the monastery?
Give me one more chants!
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What do you call someone who's been kicked out of a fraternity?
Hasbro.
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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?
He was sick of all its shiitake.
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How did Jared lose 150lbs?
He kicked two 7-year-olds out of his bed.
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Why were the elephants kicked out of the pool?
Because they kept dropping their trunks....
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Why was the ladybird kicked out of the forest?
Because she was a litter bug.
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Why were the Seven Dwarfs kicked out of the bar?
Because they were Miners... XD
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Why did the man get kicked out of the "Russian" bar?
Because he walked in.
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What does the hippy say when you try to kick them off your couch?
Namaste.
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How do you castrate the pope?
Kick the altar boy in the chin.
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Why did they kick Raggedy Anne out of the toybox?
She kept on sitting on Pinocchio's face yelling "Lie to me... lie to me!"
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Why did the monster stop playing with his brother?
He got tired of kicking him around.
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
She kept running away from the ball.
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How do you trap an elephant?
You first dig a hole, second, you fill the hole with ashes, also throw some peas in there. When the elephant stops to take a pea, you kick it in the ash hole.
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How do you castrate an Amish man?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
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When do you kick a midget in the balls?
When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
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Whats the best way to castrate a priest?
Kick the alter boy in the chin
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Why was the insect kicked out of the wildlife preserve?
A: It was a litterbug.
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How many people do you have to kick out of their houses to have a World Cup?
Brazilians!
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Why did the arsonist get kicked off the basketball team?
He kept getting pyro-technicalities.
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Why did the midget get kicked out of the nudist colony?
He kept getting in everyone's hair.
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Why did the director get kicked out of the bar?
He was making a scene!
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What did the football say to the football player?
A: I get a kick out of you.
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What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?
How far do you think i can kick this bucket Also, Why did the chicken cross the road He was in the bucket(/spoiler)
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Why was Dr. Dre kicked out of the farmer's market?
He kept dropping the beets.
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What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time?
Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III.
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How to you make a Hormone?
You kick her in the groin.
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How do Chinese pick a name for their newborn?
They kick a Can
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What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
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Why did the doctor kick his patients?
He was trying to heel them.
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Why did Raggedy Anne get kicked out of the toybox?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming "Lie to me! Lie to me!!!"
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Why did the guy kick the broom out of his house?
It swept with his girlfriend :P
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What was the score of the lobster soccer game?
Zero to zero. Lobsters can't kick soccer balls.
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Why was the Amish girl kicked out of her community?
Too Mennonite
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What did the hippie say when he was kicked off the couch?
Namaste
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What do you call a horse that has been kicked out of his house?
Unstable
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Why did the brownie get kicked off the baseball team?
Because she was a girl.
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Why did the clown started his soccer career?
For kicks and giggles.
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What do you get when you mix Viagra with Disney World?
Kicked out.
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What do you do when Ronda says "Not Tonight"?
Kick her out of bed
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Why was the legless man immortal?
Because he couldn't kick the bucket.
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Why is the pool table green?
If you got your balls kicked around, I think you would be green too.
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Why did Blacula get kicked out of a Yale Halloween party?
The party was for "Wights only."
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How do you castrate a guy from Kentucky?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Why did the ghost get kicked out of the bar?
Because he was sheet faced.
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How do you get a polar bear in the water?
First, you cut a hole in the ice, then you sprinkle some pees around the hole. When the polar bear goes to take a pee, you kick him in the ice hole!
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What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.
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What is the difference between motorbike and boyfriend?
A: Well, bike is first kicked than used and boyfriend is first used than kicked ZZZZ ... :)
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Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!
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How do you make a blind moan?
Kick him in the balls
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How do you castrate a redneck?
Kick his sister's jaw in.
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Why did the boy stand behind the horse?
He thought he might get a kick out of it!
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What's the healthiest sport a pregnant women can play?
Kick boxing
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How do u castrate a priest ?
Kick the alter boy in the chin )
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How high can you kick a baby?
It depends. Are you inside or outside?
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Why was the Narwhal kicked off the volleyball team?
He was always spiking the ball.
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Why did the duck get kicked out of church?
Because he was using fowl language!
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What do I have to do to get a margarita around here?
And that's when I got kicked out of Dairy Queen.
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What would be the perfect theme song to Oscar Pistorius kicking trying to kick down a bathroom door?
Good Vibrations
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Why did the wine critic get kicked off the nudist beach?
Because he was walking around with a semillon (semi-on)
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
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When do you kick a midget in the nuts?
When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
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Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino?
He was caught counting carbs.
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What does an electric engineer say when they get kicked in the balls?
Owch! it hertz
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When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?
When he is standing next to your lady saying her hair smells nice.