Kid Jokes

  • How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

    Lets go play on our bikes.

  • Why did the kid fall out of the tree?

    I shot him Why did the second kid fall out I stapled them together Why did the third kid fall out Peer pressure

  • What are you up to?

    Her: I'm making Chinese. Me: Cloning's unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

  • What's the first rule here, boys?

    Kid:Don't poop your pants M:I was gonna say "have fun" but...OK.

  • What do you call a waffle that's been buried in sand?

    Sandiego (The first joke I ever made as a kid)

  • Why did the Country Bear Jamboree bear blush?

    Because he was a bear a-singing. ..... I am at Disney with the kids this week...

  • What's the worst part about getting AIDS?

    Having to tell your friend his kids should get tested.

  • What's the difference between a black dad and a elevator?

    A elevator can raise a kid

  • What did Pink Floyd say to Jerry Sandusky?

    Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!

  • What do you call a kid that is afraid of the dark?


  • What is Error 619?

    When your kid sleeps in between.

  • What's the appropriate age to take the electric shock collar off your kid?

    My son's 10 years... hold on... OFF THE COUCH! brb... convulsing.

  • What is worse than three kids in trash can?

    One kid in three trash cans

  • How did you end up here?

    Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.

  • Which kid is mine?

    I like to reply "I haven't decided yet."

  • What do you call a puppy in the desert?

    Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?

  • What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play?


  • Who names a kid after an activity?

    Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

  • Why don't kids like cheesy jokes?

    they're too mature for their taste

  • What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

    Me: You really aren't my kid are you

  • What do you give a kid with no hands for Christmas?

    Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift

  • Why did the kid punch the bed?

    His mother told him to hit the hay.

  • How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

  • Who's Gotye?

    while their kids were like, "What's a record

  • Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

    Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

  • Why does the German dad scare all the other kids?

    Because he is ein Brtiger! The shirt should say it all. And I'm considering getting one.

  • Why are south italian men so small?

    Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there

  • Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four?

    Me: i have no idea what he's for

  • Why did the kids not receive presents for Christmas?

    Because Rudolph intentionally grounded the team...

  • What's the difference between a kid and a cat?

    Who has the diploma when you get rid of them.

  • Why couldn't a kid watch a pirate movie?

    Because it was rated R.

  • Whats the difference between a Christian and a Muslim?

    One blows up kids, the other gets blown by them.

  • Why Do Kids In High school Take Art?

    You don't have to pay for the glue to sniff...

  • What do you call a seaside shanty for kids without parents?

    A wharfanage

  • How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Are you kidding That's a hardware problem!

  • Why don't Barbie and Ken have kids?

    Ken came in a different box.

  • What bounces and makes kids cry?

    The cheque I just sent to Save the Children.

  • What did the Mexican firefighter name his two kids?

    Jose and Hose-B

  • What would a midget be jealous of at a little kid?

    The kid is over 5 feet tall.

  • Whats camp for kids with ADD called?

    Concentration camp.

  • Why do kids with down syndrome wear shorts?

    Because they have bad genes.

  • How a husband describe his wife?

    Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

  • When you say you don't feel good "Are you pregnant?

    people without kids "Do you have to poop " -people with kids

  • Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie?

    It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that.

  • What's your dad do?

    Kid: My dad He's an actor Me: Why Couldn't you get a real dad

  • What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college?


  • How much longer?

    Did you bring any snacks They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet - me watching my kids Christmas pageant

  • How do you starve a neurosurgeon?

    Hide his paycheck with his kids.

  • What do you call children born into a whorehouse?

    Your kids

  • What's upside down and downside up at the same time ?

    A kid with cerebral palsy living in Australia

  • What do you call a kid with an eye patch, braces and a lisp?


  • What's the difference between a kid and a drawer?

    A drawer won't scream when I force my junk into it.

  • What do you call a kid who tells bad jokes?

    A redditor

  • What's the best part of having kids?

    Making them.

  • When she found out she said "ARE YOU SERIOUS?

    Yes, I'm not kidding you." he said.

  • Where do kids with ADHD go for the summer?

    Concentration camp.

  • Why are we at the vet?

    Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

  • What kid blows you and gets you all wet?

    El Nio

  • What's the best part of having a kid?

    The chewy center.

  • What did the peadophile say when he was released from prison?

    I feel like a kid again

  • What did the kid with no arms and legs get for Christmas?


  • What do pancakes and kids have in common?

    The first one usually gets screwed up.

  • How do you tell if your eggs are rotten?

    If your kid has down syndrome.

  • How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

    On their fingers

  • What do you get when you hire an owl to babysit your kids?

    A real hootenanny!

  • What do you call a kid with no arms or legs at the front door?


  • What's the difference between Ice Age 4 and Batman The Dark Knight?

    The kids walked out of Ice Age 4... Alive

  • Why did the kid steal the fan?

    He wanted to be cool.

  • Why is Santa always happy?

    Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)

  • Why don't people name their kids 'Napoleon'?

    It's too complex

  • Where does the pirate shop for his kid for Christmas?

    Toys Arrrrrrrrrrr Us

  • Why does Caitlyn Jenner feel like her kids see though her?

    I guess she is trans parent now Edit: *through

  • How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday?

    By putting flowers on the grave.

  • What do you call a kid with no friends!?

    A Sandy Hook survivor!!

  • What did you learn at summer camp?

    KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud MOM: A generator For what KID: To charge our iPods

  • What did Jared Fogle say when his wife told him she wanted kids?

    Me too*

  • Why don't kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

    Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

  • What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth control pill?

    A trip without the kids.

  • What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

    Gloves. Just kidding he couldn't open it to find out

  • Why are the only kids in Warsaw magnet schools from Central Poland?

    Cause North and South Poles repel each other ...

  • Why didn't the white officer shoot the black guy?

    Just kidding he did

  • What did the buffalo say to his kid when he sent him off to college?


  • What do you call the kid of an Iceland and Cuban parents?

    Ice cubes.

  • Why did the photographer get arrested?

    He was charged with shooting kids and framing the parents.

  • When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard?

    Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid. I know how hard to punch her. I'm her mother.

  • What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?

    Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?

  • What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?

    Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes

  • How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

    Wanna go ride bikes? My all time favorite joke. Sorry if it has already been posted but who has the time to browse all of .

  • What's black and white and unemployed?

    Just kidding about the white part.

  • What did Michael get for his birthday?

    Gloves ... Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet Knock, knock Who is it Not Michael

  • Why did the kids with the fancy bus try so hard?

    Fo' Frizzle

  • What has six eyes but cannot see?

    Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath

  • How can you tell two people are married?

    Both are yelling at the same kid.

  • What did the Polack and the Native American name their first kid?

    Running Stupid

  • Why are kids with DS getting elected prom kings and queens?

    Either way, they're going down in history.

  • What do you get when a truck full of potatoes drives into kindergarten full of kids?


  • How does a lawyer name their kids?

    Bill and Sue

  • How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

    Please answer before my wife gets home!

  • What did the handless box get for hristmas?

    Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet.

  • How's my kid doing in school?

    T: How's my kid doing in school I hate parrot teacher conferences

  • What did the pirate say to his kids when picking them up from school?

    Get in the carrrrrrrrrrrr!

  • What does R. Kelly say to his kids when they do something bad?

    Urine trouble

  • What were ACDC called when they were kids?


  • What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

    A trip without kids.

  • Howard was a kid with a paper route?

    Probably not. Opie delivered.

  • Why do priests have lots of kids?

    They always use the holy condoms.

  • Why couldn't the Dairy Queen have any kids?

    Because she married Mr. Softy!

  • Where can you always find kids by themselves?

    edit: i forgot to say please.

  • What did the pirate say when his kids were about to watch their favorite cartoon?


  • Why don't Blacks and Mexicans have babies?

    Their kids would be too lazy to steal.

  • What did Helen Keller say after she finished her bowl of cereal for breakfast?

    I may be blind, but I can see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

  • How can you tell if the kid that stole your bike is half black and half polish?

    He's running down the street with the bike under his arm.

  • What did the LGBT art teacher tell the kids to use when their projects needed glue ?

    wait for it ... wait for it ...) brucilage !!!!!!!!

  • What do you call a kid with no arms and legs and severe Down syndrome?


  • How do you stop the neighbours kids from playing in your yard?

    Molest them

  • How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School?

    Just planning ahead...

  • What do Catholic priests and the Zika Virus have in common?

    They both give kids a little head.

  • What's your Mom's name?

    Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

  • How do Chinese people name their kids?

    They throw silverware down a flight of stairs....ting, tong, ping, ding

  • What did the kid say to his nanny when she stubbed her toe while trying to catch him?

    Nana boo boo

  • How do you know if you're a bogan?

    You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.

  • How are kids like piano keys?

    All the black ones are accidentals.

  • What's the difference between woman's breasts and a box of matches?

    The matches are made for adults, but kids constantly grab'em and play with them. The situation is quite opposite with breasts.

  • What do you call the kids claiming "We don't need no education"?

    Comfortably Dumb

  • How do the Chinese name their kids?

    They throw silverware down the stairs.

  • Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

    one is plastic and dangerous for your kids to play with, the other holds your groceries

  • Where did the kid with adhd go?


  • Why is Grace never thirsty?

    Because she's always drinking from the coup de Grace. (This was my sister's favourite joke when we were kids. Once our mum flipped out on a long car journey because she told it too many times).

  • What do you throw a drowning aboriginal?

    His wife and kids

  • How many kids do you think Wolverine has?

    Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn't look like he'd wear a rubber or pull out.

  • How many Chinese workers does it take to make a Smartphone?

    I dunno. Ask the kids.

  • Why are you always rushing out of here after work?

    You're single with no kids." Me: " Exactly."

  • What do you call a kid that stands up to bullies?

    An ambulance.

  • What's the best thing about kids?

    Making them!!!

  • What were Luke Skywalker's favourite model cars to play with as a kid?


  • What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?


  • What do the Zika virus and Catholic priests have in common?

    They both give kids a little head.

  • What do you call a kid with one arm and three legs?


  • What is that behind your ear?

    Nice try, too old for the coin trick" "No it's a tumor" "Oh my god" "Kidding it's a quarter"

  • What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?

    A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.

  • What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

    and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

  • What do mentally retarded parents give their kids?

    Hand me Downs.

  • What does that mean?

    More kids tripping in lab coats

  • Why divorce now after all this time together?

    Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.

  • What about the kids?

    he asked. I said, "they're still together."

  • What did the buffalo say to his kid when he went off to college?

    Bye, son."

  • What do you call a kid who falls into a gorilla enclosure?


  • Why did Ken and Barbie never have any kids?

    Ken always came in a different box.

  • What has 5 legs and a big grin?

    Pit-bull in kids sandpit

  • How do '90s kids count to 6?

    Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

  • When are YOU going to start having kids?

    Me: When are you going to stop

  • What does a goat have when it gives birth?

    A kid.

  • Why do kids hate Steven Hawking?

    They don't like their vegetables.

  • Why did the kid cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide.

  • What was Justin Timberlake called when he was a kid?

    Justin Timberpuddle!

  • How do you make sure you have the best space party for your kid?

    You planet early.

  • Why did the Trix bunny hand out eggs?

    Chicks are for kids!

  • What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eye patch?


  • How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

    Natural selection.

  • What do you get when a Mexican and Muslim have a child?

    A kid who loves halalpenos

  • What's the Priest favorite breakfast?


  • Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up?

    He had a lot of aspirations.

  • Why didn't kids make fun of argon in high school?

    They never got a reaction out of him.

  • How to stop a kid from growing up. How do you stop your kids from growing up?

    Ask Jozsef Barsi.

  • What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson?

    One of them got shot for touching a kid.

  • Where did you buy all that junk?

    Kid: At the Joke shop.

  • Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?

    Because all the kids have to play in side.

  • What'sApp Me: Mom, what's for dinner?

    Mom : typing ... *gets married* *have kids* *gets old* *dies* *goes to hell* Mom: Fish, honey!

  • What's the difference between Jared Fogle's divorce and other divorces?

    Most married couples tried to stay together FOR the kids. Not divorce because of them.

  • What did the kid who could see dead eskimos say?

    Icy dead people!

  • What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

    brothel sprouts!

  • What's black and white . . . What's black and white and loves kids?

    Michael Jackson

  • What's the difference between a van and a minivan?

    A van picks up kids. A minivan picks up your kids

  • What is the difference between michael jackson and a grocery bag?

    One is white, plastic, and dangerous for your kids to play with and the other holds your groceries

  • Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?

    He got hit by a bus

  • What did the science teacher say when the kid was experimenting with magnets?

    May the force be with you"

  • What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?


  • What kind of trees watch kids in Mexico?

    Baby cedar

  • Why does Jesus and bartenders have so much in common?

    Bcoz they are single, have no kids, got nailed and serve alcoholic beverage.

  • Why do blacks raise chickens?

    To teach their kids how to walk.

  • What did the German physicist use to drink his beer?

    Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.

  • What did the snail say while riding on the back of the tortoise?

    Wheeeee!!!! --hey, at least it's a fun joke for kids!

  • Why don't ghosts have kids?

    Because they have Hollow-Weinies

  • What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?


  • Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?

    Me: Kidding At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.

  • What do you call a kid with no arms and legs playing baseball?

    2nd base.

  • How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Let's go ride bikes!

  • How old are your kids?

    kids "

  • Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?

    Because it was rated arrr!

  • Why do Puerto ricans have so many kids?

    Because pulling out is work!!!

  • What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?

    Disney Movies still touch kids

  • What's her first name?

    Kid: "Sorry," I think

  • Why should you not let your kids go to Korean Discos?

    Because you don't want them hanging around Parks at night.

  • What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands?

    new gloves for the cold days

  • What's your favourite priest and a rabbi joke?

    Been awhile since I've her some priest and a rabbi jokes. Hit me with your best one! Mine: a priest and a rabbi are waking down the street The priest asks " wanna screw some kids?" The rabbi replies "out if what?"

  • What did Pat Benatar say to the kid throwing cereal at her?

    Stop using Chex as a weapon!

  • Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid?

    He was told not to play with his food.

  • Why did Jared go to a Goat farm?

    Why did Jared go to a Goat farm? He heard there was lots of Kids there.

  • What do the English and Welsh have in common?

    Kids are their definition of a good time.

  • Why did the kid only water half the lawn?

    Because there was a 50% chance of rain

  • How many kids does a sterile German have?


  • Why did the kid cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide. Edit: spelling.

  • Why did the kid cross the road?

    to go to a better place.

  • Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

    A Kid replied: The legs... Because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING!! XD

  • How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Are you kidding They won't even change a five dollar bill."

  • What is it called when a woman can't imagine having kids?


  • Where do kids with ADHD go?

    To concentration camps.

  • Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

    I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those. Wait. Two. I have 2 kids.

  • Why did the kid run across the freeway?

    To show his friends he had guts. And boy, did he have guts.

  • What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch?


  • What type of punch hurts kids the most?

    A sandy hook

  • How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Are you kidding They won't even change a five dollar bill."

  • What's the difference between a goat and a kid?

    My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising two of my goats.

  • What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

    A rebel without a Claus.

  • What did the cow say to the paintbrush?

    Moo. As told by my kid this morning.

  • Why doesn't Barbie have any kids?

    Because Ken came in another box.

  • What did Star Trek teach millions of kids?

    To boldly split infinitives!

  • What did the robot say to the gas pump?

    Take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!" I saw this in a Highlights magazine when I was a kid.

  • Which kid is yours?

    Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'

  • How was school?

    4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions - laughs - oh honey - nobody would name their kid Trenton

  • Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter?

    Because he might fiddle with your kids.

  • What fun drink can put your kid to sleep?


  • What happens when you take acid with a birth control pill?

    A trip without the kids

  • Where's the cake?

    Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.

  • Why can't Caitlyn Jenner lie to her kids?

    She's a transparent.

  • How much do you love kids?

    On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky, how much do you love kids?

  • What kid of music do old people listen to?


  • What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese?


  • Who hasn't" muttered daddy bear. "What?

    You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!"

  • Why didn't the feminist shave her arm pits?

    Just kidding, just wanted to rile a few people up. But if you want to have a punchline contest, feel free.

  • Why doesn't Gabe Newell have kids?

    He can't get to 3rd base

  • Why did Subway take Jared so seriously?

    It was obvious he was kidding.

  • Where are the kids?

    me *turns around and goes back out*

  • What does the kid with no legs get for Christmas?


  • What do you call a kid with no legs, no arms and an eyepatch?


  • What do the average woman and kids on a snow day have in common?

    They're both hoping for nine inches, but will be happy enough with five.

  • Whatcha inventing?

    I call it a picnic. It's a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack." "Can I bring my kids " "Sure."

  • Where do you find a kid with no legs?

    Right where you left him

  • What is it that you are both most fearful of?

    WIFE: I just...sobbing...don't want the kids to suffer ME: Eels

  • What is the worst kind of wood to have in your home around your kids?

    Naughty pine

  • Why aren't kids under the age of 18 allowed to watch videos about duck calls without the consent of a parent?

    Because they contain a lot of fowl language.

  • What's going on?

    Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet They think I'm pee!

  • Why don't you have kids?

    points to dead cactus*

  • Whats the difference between a goat and a kid?

    I stopped butchering goats.

  • Why did a kid get arrested for taking a home made clock into school?

    Sounds like he had already done the... time

  • What's the difference between Stanley Yelnats and the rest of the kids in Holes?

    He was just a nerdy digger.

  • Why can't we feed the animals?

    Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*

  • How to legalize animal poaching ?

    Drop a kid in their zoo enclosure.

  • Why did the kid drop his ice cream?

    Because the bus hit him.

  • What kind of medicine do you give a kid having a fit?

    An anti-hissy-tamine.

  • What time do kids need naps?

    A: At whine o'clock.

  • Why did the Greeks want Helen back so bad?

    Are you kidding She was the most beautiful woman in the world! Can you imagine what her sons would of looked like

  • What do you call a kid with an eyepatch and no limbs?


  • What did the Hispanic firefighter name his kids?

    Jose and Hose-B

  • What's the difference between a kid and a joke?

    A kid can joke but a joke cannot kid.

  • Why do skeletons have so many kids?

    Because all they can do is bone.

  • Why did the kid throw the watch out the window?

    So time would fly.

  • What do you call a group of kids?

    a migraine

  • What did Tony the Tiger say to the kids playing baseball?

    Theeeeeeeeey Never expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

  • How high are you! ?

    demanded the officer. "No Officer, it's "Hi, how are you "." replied the kid.

  • Where did he touch you as a kid?

    that will be an extra $50."

  • What do you call a woman with six kids?


  • What is a black guy's favorite game to play with the kids?


  • What are you doing, dad?

    Filing taxes... LOLJK... I'm googling "non-extraditable countries". Pack your bags, kid! We're going to Libya!"

  • What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?


  • What do you want for breakfast?

    Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES! Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast

  • What did Bill Cosby say when he was asked about the child abuse claims?

    Kids say the darnedest things.

  • Why can't Casper have kids?

    Cause he has a Halloweenie

  • When your kid asks you (daddy is it time to go crazy?

    you don't know what to say until you wife reply's (idk go ask you dad.) what do you say My little joke

  • What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

    GLOVES! Just kidding, he hasn't opened the box yet.

  • Why not ask the guy who took that picture?

    Just kidding, I ran over it.

  • Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?

    To remind them why there's no money in it

  • What did some kids call him?

    A "Chigga" (i'm not a racist, but this made me laugh for long enough to post it here. Please don't get triggered)

  • What did the Challenger Austronaut day to his wife before he left?

    You feed the kids, I'll feed the fishes."

  • What did the kid with cancer get for Christmas?

    Nothing, he didn't make it that far.

  • What did the kid say to his mother right before he went to India?


  • What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common?

    They are both over the counter strike

  • What do you throw a drowning Mexican?

    His wife and kids.

  • Whats th first joke you remember hearing or that you told as a kid?

    Mine is: What is the white stuff in bird poop? (That is also bird poop.) edit: til you can't edit the topic to fix spelling errors...

  • How do Alabama parents teach their kids to put on their underwear?

    Yellow in the front, brown in the back.

  • What did Michael Phelps say after the Mens 200m?

    I would've gotten second if it weren't for you medaling kids.

  • Why can't Stevie Wonder see his kids?

    Because he's black.

  • Why did the kids tell jokes to the mirror?

    They wanted to see it crack up!

  • How do you get a kid to stay low to the ground?

    DUCK!" How do you get a kid up and running "GOOSE!"

  • How do Chinese name their kids?

    They throw silverware on the ground!

  • How to raise a kid?

    I injected my kid with yeast and put him in the oven for 30 minutes but he didn't rise. Any suggestions

  • Why did Caitlyn Jenner lose custody rights of her kids?

    Her kids couldn't see her anymore, she was a trans-parent.

  • What do you get when you give your kids participation trophies?

    The electoral college in 2016.

  • How is my wife doing?

    Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

  • Why was the storm trooper such a good dad?

    He could never hit his kids.

  • Where do English prime-ministers take their kids on vacation?

    Lourdes. Mother Theresa always goes there.

  • When my family says things like...why don't you have kids yet?

    I say "Because I didn't get drunk & do the football team, Sasha."

  • What did the kid ask the Pirate?

    Kid asks, "Where are your buccaneers?" Pirate replies, "They're under my Buccan Hat!"

  • Why do sandwiches never have kids?

    Because they always turn out in-bread.

  • How do I raise my kids?

    Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it

  • What present did the kid with no hands get?

    Gloves. Ha! Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened it yet.

  • How many kids does Adrian Peterson have?

    More than you can shake a stick at

  • What's the difference between a meteor and a meteorite?

    Ite. Sorry, a kid said this in elementary school and it was funny back then :)

  • What did one kid at the playground say to the other kid?

    Hello from the other slIIIIiiiIIIIide

  • What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control?


  • What is the difference between a creep and a kid?

    I wouldn't let a creep sit on my lap.

  • What do you tell a kid with two black eyes?

    Nothing. You already told him twice.

  • Why do I love putting down kids without parents?

    Cause endorphins make me feel good.

  • What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

    Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes...

  • How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid?

    Mini-mom wage.

  • What do you get a kid without arms for Christmas?

    Gloves, but he doesn't know that yet.. since he can't open it.

  • What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

    I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.

  • How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

    Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

  • What does a monster mom say to her kids at dinnertime?

    Don't talk with someone in your mouth.

  • What does Michael Jackson do when he gets kids to the top of the Empire State building?

    Tosses them off.

  • What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?

    A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

  • Why do Women get So Big when they're Pregnant?

    To give their kids a wide birth.

  • What's the most trifling thing about divorce when you have kids?

    Child custardy

  • What is the difference between an elevator and black people?

    And elevator can raise kids

  • What do you call it when a video game character gets hair on his body?

    Q*berty. (my kids wrote this!)

  • What's a mortician's least favorite day on the job?

    Bring Your Kid to Work Day

  • Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29?

    Because 30 is too many!

  • What's the difference between Joe Paterno and Harambe?

    Harambe tried to save the kids.

  • Why was the violin coach arrested ?

    He was fiddling with the kids. *

  • How many Chinese men does it take to make a Smartphone?

    I dunno, ask the Kids.

  • How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

    Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

  • What's one thing you hated as a kid but love as an adult?


  • What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire?

    Arrr son!

  • What playground equipment do kids hate the most?

    The slide into poverty.