Lawyer Jokes
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What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?
Lawsuits.
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What did the lawyer say after the short trial?
That was a brief case.
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What's common between a lawyer and an eccentric billionaire with bad teeth?
Both have a very expensive retainer.
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What kind of suit does a lawyer like best?
The Spanish Inquisition.
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Why does California have more lawyers and New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to choose first
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Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
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What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
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How does a lawyer sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.
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How does a lawyer name their kids?
Bill and Sue
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How does a lawyer from Panama play his guitar?
He shreds.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thick you slice 'em.
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What happens to lawyers after they die?
They lie still.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rooster?
The rooster clucks defiance.
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Why do Steven Avery's victims see him naked from the waist down?
Because his lawyers keep filing away his briefs.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vaccuum?
With a vaccuum, the dirtbag's on the inside!
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What happens when a lawyer dies??
Who cares!
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
1 in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being.
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How many calls do I get?
cop: one me: What do you think is more likely a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel
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How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.
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How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
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What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer?
An attornity.
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Whats the odd one out ?
The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.
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Why do engineering students call themselves engineers?
You don't hear a law student call themselves a lawyer, or a gender studies student call themselves a barista.
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What is the proper weight for a lawyer?
About 3 pounds .......not counting the urn!
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Which lawyers are U2 fans?
The pro bono ones
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What do you call a horny group of lawyers?
Firm
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.
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Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven?
Hell was full.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
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How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
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When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?
When his lips are shut.
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What happened when the lawyer took a Viagra?
He got taller.
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What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.
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Why do you bury lawyers 20 feet deep?
Because deep down they're good people
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What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
A. With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
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What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50?
Good morning your Honor!
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What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?
He gets taller
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.
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Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had first choice.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.
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Why do lawyers wear neckties?
to keep their foreskins from creeping up.
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Why are lawyers buried 18 feet deep when they die?
Because deep down they're all actually good people.
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Why hasn't any lawyer ever been bitten by a shark?
Professional courtesy.
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What does a sperm cell have in common with a lawyer?
Both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
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Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled?
Because they have a claus in their contract.
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What clothes do lawyers wear to work?
Lawsuits.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
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When a hot blonde walks in. The one lawyer says, "Man, wouldn't you like to screw that?
and the other lawyer replies, "Outta what "
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Why does New York have all the lawyers while New Jersey got all the garbage dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first
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Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?
They can never get past the bar.
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Why did the lawyer with a torn ACL still win the marathon?
OC) Because he had the power of a torn knee
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What's black and looks good on a lawyer?
An unconvicted felon.
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Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up?
He had a lot of aspirations.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket filled with manure?
The bucket
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Whats the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
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How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him. Just one but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
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When does a lawyer make coffee?
When he has sufficient grounds
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Why are lawyers always buried 15 feet deep?
Because deep down they're good people.
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What can a lawyer do that a duck can't?
Stick his bill up his arse.
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What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
A 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.
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Why did the lawyer go to the tailor?
He wanted a law-suit
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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue
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What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
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What does a lawyer, a pine tree, and a hydrogen atom have in common?
Absolutely nothing.
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What did one lawyer say to the other?
we are both lawyers."
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How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?
Because they both "practice" their professions.
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What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement?
Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part
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What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We're both lawyers.
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How did the lawyer chip his tooth?
The ambulance slammed on its brakes.
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How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.
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What do you call a pack of sorority girls who aren't in law school?
Deez hoes ain't lawyers.
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What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him?
He got him diss barred.
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What did one lawyer say to another lawyer?
We are both lawyers.
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What is your fee?
Lawyer says: "1000 US dollars for 3 questions." Man: "Wow - so much! Isn't it a bit expensive " Lawyer: "Yes, what is your third question "
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How are lawyers and apples similar?
They both look good hanging from a tree
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What's the difference between a horse and a zebra?
A lawyer.
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What do lawyers use for birth control?
Personality.
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What do you call a lawyer from krypton?
Sue-per Man
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What does a lawyer wear to work?
A law-suit
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Why is it that lawyers get sick?
It's because they are ually obligated to do so.
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Where is the best place to hide a lawyer?
In a brief case.
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Why did the English teacher hire a midget geography nut as his lawyer?
He wanted someone who understood and case.
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How do two lawyers greet each other?
With a firm handshake.
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What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We're both lawyers.
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Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?
Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.
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Why did the Energizer Bunny need to lawyer up?
He was charged with battery.
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What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.
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What do lawyers wear to court?
Law suits!
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Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
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Why did the lawyer refuse to take payment when defending the lead singer of U2?
Because he said he was pro Bono.
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Why do you want your lawyer to be a U2 fan?
Cos they're always pro-Bono
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What did the lawyer say to the sovereign citizen when asked for legal counsel?
Am I being retained ** **Am I being retained **
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What's the difference between Justin Bieber and a lawyer?
Some adults like lawyers.
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirtbag on the inside.
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Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?
New Jersey picked first.
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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving off a cliff?
A Good Start.(http://www.youtube.com/watch v=obKLdou0LH0)
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What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
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How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
You take your foot off the top of their head.
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Why the word redundancy when lawyers say cease and desist?
Billable vowels.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and whore?
The lawyer can't guarantee to get you off.
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What does a lawyer say to another lawyer?
We are both a lawyer.
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What professional hates going to the bar?
A lawyer
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A)..... The rooster clucks defiance.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
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Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?
Because it's too much like work what with all of the lying involved.
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Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're good people. Thanks Saul.
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How do you stop a lawyer from drownng?
Shoot him before he hits the ground
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What is your date of birth?
Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year " Witness: "Every year."
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Why was the lawyer home early?
Briefcase
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What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
The rooster's primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die?
Because deep down they're really nice people.
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What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?
Barbers.
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What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?
About 3 pounds, including the urn.
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
Your honor.
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What is it called when two lawyers are fighting?
Civil War
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What did the lawyers say when they finished their basketball game?
Court is adjourned
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What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie still.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
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Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.
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Whats the difference between a lawyer and a teenage boy?
One is a master debater. The other is a masterbater.
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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot before he hits the water.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Depends on how many cops planted it there
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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.