Lay Jokes
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What do women and floor tiles have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
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What do you call it when a soldier gets laid?
Tactical Insertion.* What do you call it when a COD player gets laid *Lies.*
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How can working with cow hide help on a first date?
As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.
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When do chickens stop laying eggs?
Henopause
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What's the difference between an Irish guy dying in a play, and you getting laid?
One's a tragic Mick...
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What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who'd told too many drummer jokes.
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What's a Hindu?
it lays iggs."
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What do a married guy and a single guy have in common?
They both think the other one gets laid more.
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What do a load of bricks and a 300 lb woman have in common?
At some point they'll both be laid by a Mexican.
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How do you blind a Chinese man?
lay floss over their eyes
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What's a astronauts favorite food?
Lays, because they are full of air.
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What's the difference between a catholic and and a catoholic?
One is devoted to following to rules laid down by those who consider their will that of the divine. The other is a type of christian.
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Why does Luke Skywalker never have trouble getting laid?
Because he always uses the force.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russel.
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What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water?
Gonna take a while to get me hard, I just got laid by a chick.
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What did the Hammerhead shark say to his buddies when he got laid?
Nailed it.
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What do you call a dog with a stain on his fur?
Spot. What do you call a dog who lays on a golf course Ruff. What do you call a dog who just got run over Rhody.
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What do you call 4 blondes laying on the beach?
A: Public access.
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What happened when the chicken ate cement ?
She laid a sidewalk !
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Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway?
What could go wrong " My son apparently
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What do you get... ... when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and and agnostic?
Answer(/s "Someone who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog")
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What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog?
A hen that lays pooched eggs.
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Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
She wanted to lay it on the line!
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What did the lonely lumberjack use to get laid?
TINDERRRRR!!!!
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What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish?
Pick up lines
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Why was the bottle laying down?
someone flipped it.
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What do a brick and I have in common?
We both get laid by hand.
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Why did the chicken cross the road half way ?
He wanted to lay it on the line !
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Why are most guys like floor tile?
Because if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them from the rest of your life!
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an atheist, an insomniac?
A person that lays awake late at night and ponders if there's such a thing as a dog.
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What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?
Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
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What do you call a guy with no arms & no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russel
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How can you tell if your wife left you?
You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!
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What's the difference between the foundation of a building and the average Redittor?
The foundation's been laid.
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What do men and tile floors have in common?
if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
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Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's floor?
A. They're all laid with tongue and groove.
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How can you tell a mechanic got laid?
He has one clean finger
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What do you call insects of the order Mantodea during mating season?
Laying mantises.
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What do women and linoleum have in common?
If you lay them just right you can walk on them for years.
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Why did the chicken cross the road half-way?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
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What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs
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What has two thumbs and got laid last night?
My hands.
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What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
A bird that lays down !
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What's the difference between me and an egg?
An egg gets laid.
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How can working with cow hide act in your favor on a first date?
As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.
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What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?
Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog.
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Why don't we run through the parking lot?
me laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me Because it's dangerous
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What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch?
A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.
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Why didn't the guitarist get laid?
Because he had bad pickups
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What do you call a guy with no arms and not legs laying on a porch?
Matt
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What do you call a man with no arms & no legs... ...hanging on the wall?
Art ...floating in the sea Bob ...laying on the floor Matt ...down in a hole Phil ...sitting in a pot Stu ...
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Why did a chinese man ride a bike to the brothel?
To get laid.
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What did the lobster say when he saw the mermaid?
Gotta lay off the sea-weed.
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Why did the chicken lay an egg?
Quoted from daughter at age 3) To get food for her babies!
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Why are chickens never virgins?
A: Because when they're born they get laid.
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What's the difference between an egg and Elliot Rodger?
An egg gets laid before it cracks.
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Why doesn't anyone get laid on Thanksgiving?
All the coats are on the bed!
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Why does the swimming pool get laid every night?
Because he makes all the ladies wet.
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What do Iraqi men do that gets them laid on the first date?
They give their women awesome Dinar.
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How are women and linoleum floors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
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Who wants to play war?
I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out of me!
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How do like really laid-back types answer the phone?
Mellow.
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What does an obese white woman have in common with a brick?
Eventually, they're both getting laid by a Mexican.
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What is the worst thing about being an egg?
You only get laid once, and that's by your mother!
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Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them they'd break
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What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.
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What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ?
Dad dad look what marma-laid' !
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What's the difference between British crisps and foreign crisps?
One are Walkers and the others just Lays around.
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What does an agnostic ... dyslexic insomniac do at night?
He lays awake and wonders if there really is a dog.
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What does a man and a linoleum floor have in common?
If you lay 'em right, you can walk on them for 20 years.
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How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?
There is lotion and used tissues laying around
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What's the difference between you and a brick?
Bricks can get laid.
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How are men like carpet tiles?
If you lay them properly the first time around you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
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What did the chicken say after laying an egg?
Oeuf!"
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How's your love life?
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.
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What do you get when... ...you cross a religious skeptic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?
A person who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn ?
An eggroll !
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How do you celebrate an Ethiopian child's first birthday?
By laying flowers on their grave.
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Why was the Easter Egg so happy?
He just got laid by some chick!
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What's green and lays in a ditch while covered in cookie crumbs?
The Girl Scout that got hit by a car.
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
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What do men and hardwood flooring have in common?
Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!
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What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
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What's the difference between a ginger and a brick?
Bricks get laid.
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What's the difference between a fedora clad Brony and an egg?
The egg gets laid!
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Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?
To lay off his campaign staff.
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What kind of bird lays electric eggs ?
A battery hen !
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What do you call a quadruple amputee trying to swim?
Bob. Same guy laying on the floor Matt. Same guy hanging on the wall Art. Same guy in a mailbox Bill.
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What do a 275lb white lady and a 275lb cinder block have in common?
A Mexican is going to lay them one day
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Why did the chicken cross the road ?
Her: Because she had heard that the mayor was going to lay a cornerstone and she wanted to see if he could really do it.
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What do bricks and Latinas have in common?
They both get laid by Mexicans...
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How do Ghosts lay foundations?
With a spirit level!
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What did one brick say to the other?
Guess who's gettin' laid tomorrow!
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What's the difference between a Redditor and a brick?
The brick will eventually get laid.
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How do you confuse a polish laborer?
Lay down three shovels and tell him to take his pick.
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What is the difference between an egg and a redditor?
Eggs get laid at least once.
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Why do I need a wingman?
How's a half-man half-bird freak gonna get me laid
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What's the difference between a brick and an MRA?
Bricks get laid.
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What did the chicken say before laying an egg?
Yahoo. There goes my baby.
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What's the difference between an egg and a redditor?
An egg gets laid
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Why was the bicycle laying on the ground?
Because it was two-tired
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How can you tell that the hippie kid got laid?
Two clean fingers.
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How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ?
They sit eggsaminations !
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Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun?
It burns too easily
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What is the difference between a brick and a blonde?
If you lay a brick it doesn't follow you home.
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What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?
To catch a predator. Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5? Because they can't even! Why do white people have so many pets? Because owning people is not legal anymore Would love to hear more white people-specific jokes :) They seem to be really rare.
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Which way will it fall?
If a rooster lays an egg on a pointed roof, which way will it land Roosters don't lay eggs
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What's wrong with these eggs I ordered?
Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.
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What's the difference between OP and eggs?
Eggs actually get laid.
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What's the difference between a Redditor and an egg?
Eggs get laid only once
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Why is The Hulk going to get laid tonight?
Because he is stronger than you.
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What's the difference between me and a pile of bricks?
The bricks will get laid.
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Why is there no 'Hot girls' guide to getting laid'?
My phone number won't fill up an entire book.
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Why doesn't the guy with OCD ever get laid?
Because when he turns his girlfriend on he has to turn her off again three times.