Leave Jokes
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What's the deal with reddit being obsessed about puns?
I've never... META ... group of people so obsessed with puns before.. Fine, I'll leave :(:(
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Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?
Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".
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How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!
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What did the suicidal college student say to his room mate?
Dont leave me hangin' bro
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What do you call a government official that can't leave an airport because of a blizzard?
Edward Snowed In
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Why does Jerry Sienfeld clean up on tinder?
He can't go left
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Why did the melon leave her boyfriend?
He said he can't elope.
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What did Chad Kroeger say after leaving a concert of Justin Bieber?
I want my Nickleback....
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Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?
She thought children should be seen and not herded!
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When to leave your girlfriend?
When your wife's clothes start to fit her.
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What Is the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
One is white, made of plastic, and very dangerous if left around small children. The other is a plastic bag.
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What did one calculator say to the other when it was time for it to leave?
Aight I'll calcu-lata
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What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?
BYE-SON!
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Why did Helen Keller fire her maid?
Cuz she left the plunger in the toilet. - Jackie Martling
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Why was the fish swimming alone?
Because he left the school.
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What did the facial hair say when it had to leave the party?
Sorry guys, moustache!"
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What happens when you take the tea away from your guest?
He's left there trying to "guess" what happened.
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Why does Britain love tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
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Why is Beyonce always singing about going "To the left"?
Because women have no rights.
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What would you do if i won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.
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Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car
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How do you get a retard to leave you alone?
Give him a small $1 million loan
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How does a Syrian family have a meal?
The men provide the food and the women do the cooking, leaving the children to wash up afterwards.
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Why is the men's room always located to the left?
Because women are always right.
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How do you get Lady Gaga to leave you alone?
You Poke-r Face.
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What did the homeless yogi say when told to leave the yoga studio?
Nah, I must stay.
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What did the Hobbit say to the Japanese man as he was leaving?
Shirenara!
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Why is ok to leave the lid off a basket of socialist crabs?
Because whenever one of them climbs to the top, the others drag it back down.
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What does Joe Biden say as he is leaving his house?
Biden
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What do you call a woman leaving an abortion clinic?
Dead on the inside...
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What does the customer say to the worker as he leaves the store after buying a discounted item?
Good buy.
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Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea ?
Because they climb into tins close the lid and leave teh key outside !
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Where can you leave your dog when you shop?
The barking lot.
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Why'd the mushroom go to the party?
Cause he's a fungi! Why'd the fungi leave the party Cause there wasn't mushroom!
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What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
A: Leave it in the cow.
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Why could the drunk man only move left?
The officer hadn't read him his rights.
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What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
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Who leaves money under the pillows of children with LGBT parents ?
Surely you will have guessed - the brooth fairy.
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Why are black people afraid of high fives?
They don't want to be left hanging
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Who is left?
Marco Rubio
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What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
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What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt?
If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.
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What did granny say after leaving her handbag on a bus?
Allahu Akbar!" I'm going to hell for this.
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What's the best way to lose some pounds?
Leave the EU.
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How'd Florida man break his leg raking leaves?
He fell off the palm tree
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What's the difference between Hillary's e-mails and the UK leaving the EU?
Hillary got off Scott-free.
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Where are the humans?
We left them" AL: Why "They didn't look anything like their selfies in rl"
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What is someone who just got left at the alters least favorite fruit?
Cantaloupe
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What is Mario's favorite search browser?
YYYYAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I will leave now)
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Why didn't the cargo ship want to leave the bay?
Because it was a freight!
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Why was the doctor forced to leave work early?
The hospital ran all out of patience
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How can you tell if a shark has dandruff?
He left his head and shoulders on the beach.
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What did the homeless yoga instructor say when he was told to leave his camp site?
Namaste.
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What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture
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What did the thief say when he saw the man leave his coat behind?
let's jack it.
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What drink did the Karate Master order?
Wa-tah! Haha. I'll leave now... (Sorry if already posted. I searched a little bit but found nothing.)
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Why did the old man get kicked off the nudist colony's golf course?
He kept leaving ball marks on the greens.
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What do they do with Tickle-Me-Elmo's before he leaves the factory?
Give him a couple of test-tickles.
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Why did Gigi leave the party angrily?
Because she's Hadid.
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What did Elmo take before he left the tickle factory?
Two test tickles
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What do you call a bovine that won't leave Egypt?
MOO-barak!
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Why did the guitarist leave his guitar on the ground?
It didn't have any pickups
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Where do most Mustangs get into car accidents at?
Leaving Mustang meets.
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What's a girl gotta do to get a drink?
Me: You just give the bartender your order. Her: ... Me: It's really pretty easy. Her: *leaves*
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Who was left?
deleted
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What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?
They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.
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Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his driveway?
Because he was snowed in.
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Why did Adele leave the house?
So she could say Hello from the outside.
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What is the difference between yoghurt and America?
When you leave yogurt alone it grows a culture!
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Why was the women unable to leave the boutique?
She couldn't find the Dior
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What does a ship weigh when she leaves for a journey?
Anchor.
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What was the engineer's reaction to his wife being too heavy?
Cantilever? (can't I leave her)
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What is wrong with a humorless person?
A broken funny bone. I'll leave now.
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Why didn't Edward leave Russia?
Cause he was snowden.
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What's the worst thing you can do to a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet
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How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana?
She left him out in the sun too long.
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What do you call a soda that's really sad?
So Dapressed. I'll leave now.
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What do all 'Tickle Me Elmo' toys receive before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
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How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?
Cats
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What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?
ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...
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What is the meanest practical joke one can pull on a blind person?
Leaving a plunger in the toilet.
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How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Wellup and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
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What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert?
Don't stop! Be leaving!" Just a joke I thought up the other day.
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How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Well up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
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What does weed and your girlfriend have in common?
They both leave me sticky fingers. 7
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What did the Challenger Austronaut day to his wife before he left?
You feed the kids, I'll feed the fishes."
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What did the mama frog say to the baby frog when they left for a party?
You better amphi-BE-ON your best behavior."
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Why has the ex-NSA contractor not left his house?
He's snowed in.
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Why did the leper crash his car?
He left his foot on the accelerator.
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Why couldn't Edward leave Russia?
Because he was Snowden.
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What was left in the bathroom on the starship Enterprise?
The Captain's Log.
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Why was Mary Jane not a virgin?
Her mother leaves.
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Why did the dorito feel left out?
Cause he didn't chip in!
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What does a hippy tell you when you ask them to leave?
Namaste
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Why couldnt the NSA whistle blower leave russia?
He was snowed in
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Why did the rooster buy mittens?
So his chicken fingers wouldn't get cold. I'll leave now
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What did the wife say as she left her Mexican husband?
I'm sorry but I love another Juan.
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What does a woman and KFC have in common?
By the time youre finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
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Why did you leave your last job?
I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"
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What do sound engineers say when they leave?
Audios
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How can a man take an abortion pill?
He just picks one up and leaves.
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What type of dog leaves a mark?
shar pei
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What does Apu say when people leave him to browse reddit?
Thank you, Karma gain
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Why did the teddy bear leave the restaurant?
He was stuffed.
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What did the hippy who has been crashing on your couch for the last 2 weeks say when you asked him to leave?
Am I supposed to say the answer or let y'all guess for a bit !
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What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common?
They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.
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What did EA give Sean Murray for a parting gift upon leaving EA?
Game dev lessons.
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Why isn't Edward leaving Russia?
because he's snowed in.
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What does Lenin say when he his angry?
I will hit you so hard that it will leave a Marx.
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What would happen if Leafy went to The Filthy Frank show?
Chin-chin would leave.
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Why are Mens bathrooms usually to the left?
Because women are right.
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Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle?
A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left.'
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What's the difference between a jar of mayonnaise and France?
If you leave the jar alone for 200 years it'll develop a culture.
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What do they say when you leave an abortion clinic in Germany?
Al-fetus-zane
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Where do frogs leave their hats and coats ?
In the croakroom !
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Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him?
He stung her into action.
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What's the difference between foreplay and KFC?
Once you're finished with the breasts and thighs, you're left with a greasy box to put your bone in.
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Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?
Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave
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What do you call a bowl full of leaves and epileptics?
Seizure Salad.
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Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine"
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What time does Sean Connery leave to go to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three... The one on the left The one on the right And of course, the Final Front Ear
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Why did Lot leave his wife?
She became salty.
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Why did Prince Eric leave Ariel when she became a human?
He was just chasing tail.
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What is the difference between joghurt and America?
If you leave joghurt alone for 200 years, it will grow a culture!
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Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote Republican this year?
Last time she tried Democrat it left a bad taste in her mouth.
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Why have all the immigrants left?
They had no rights.
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Why did the hipster otter leave his hometown river?
It was too mainstream :)
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What's the worst thing you can do to a blind person?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
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How do you surprise Helen Keller?
Leave the plunger in the toilet
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What do a chick and KFC have in common?
Once you're done enjoying the legs, thighs and breasts your left with a greasy box to stick your bone in.
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Why did people back in the day not accept left handed people?
Because it wasn't right. I'm sorry bye.
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Why couldn't the cow leave the farm?
She was pasteurized!
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What do you call it when you go to the store just to use their dumbbells and then leave?
Shoplifting
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How do you cook a stoned ham?
420F Glaze it Ok I'm leaving
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What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles
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What does it sounds like when a Japanese Homer Simpson forgets how to count to 11?
Nin, ten, " ....I'll leave now.
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How do crabs leave the hospital?
On crotches...
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Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice. I shall take my leave now.
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Why did the Anti vaccinator leave the solar system?
Because he found mercury in it.
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How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?
Leave it out in the sun until its Bill Withers
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Why was the Newfie excited when he heard Quebec might leave Canada?
It wouldn't take him as long to drive to Toronto
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What do the NFL and Jail have in common?
You go in as a Tight End and leave as a Wide Receiver.
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Why does Jesus always leave a door open for you?
Because he was born in a barn.
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Who's there ! Arbus ! Arbus who ?
Arbus leaves in 5 minutes
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Why didn't Edward leave his house?
Because he was Snowden.
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What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie.
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How are Lindsay Lohan and the Note 7 alike?
The both leave your crotch on fire
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Why is Islam called the religion of peace?
After you leave the religion, you rest in peace.
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What is the best formula for leaving Auschwitz?
Lenght of chimney x wind speed
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What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?
I'm sorry to leave now that I've almost bought the place.
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How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
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Why would you be scared to get Ebola?
You haven't left your couch since 2011.
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What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and sits in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
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Why is the dating app called Tinder?
When you left-swipe, all of your matches go up in flames.
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How do cows do math?
A cow-culator. haha haha ha ... ok, I'll leave.
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What did the redditor do to a post?
He rEDDITed it. I'll leave.
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What'd Gandhi say when his friend told him to leave the protest?
Na 'ma ste
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How do you get a person with podophobia to leave?
Just say "shoe".
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Why did Richard leave his home this morning?
For Harambe.
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How did I know my joke was not alright with my audience?
They all left.
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Why do people leave letters at the football ground ?
They want to catch the last goal-post !
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Whats the difference between white people and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop its own cultures without having to resort to stealing others.
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Why couldn't the ex-CIA agent leave Russia?
Because he was Snowden
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Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine?
A: It depends on the age.
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Why did the investment banker leave her husband?
She was losing interest.
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Why do women have legs for?
To not leave a snail trail behind them.
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Why did I leave my grades at the orphanage?
I couldn't raise them
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What did the tailor say after a job well done?
There is nothing left too loose.
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What Do You Call an Epileptic in a Pile of Leaves?
Russell
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What do you feel when there's no coffee left?
Depresso
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Why don't women sleep on the left side of the bed?
Because they always want to be right.
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What's the difference between yogurt and white people?
If left out for 4,000 years, yogurt will develop culture.
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Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?
Because he was Snowden
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What's Michelle's favourite vegetable?
Barackoli (I'm sorry I'll leave now...)
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What's the difference between your child and your husband?
At least you can leave your child alone with the babysit
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What did the right eye say to the left?
There's something between us that smells..
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What is the worse thing you can do to a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet!
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Why did the banker leave his job?
he lost interest
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Why couldn't the pickle leave the bar?
Because the door was ajar!
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What do you say when you leave the UAE?
Dubai-bye!
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Whats the last thing you give a tickle me elmo before it leaves the factory?
Two test-tickles.
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What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother?
Leave the plunger in the pot.
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How'd you leave her?
Dead by the side of the road..."
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How do you know a cat is ready to leave?
He makes a fe-line for the door.
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How much space does the EU have left?
1GB
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What do you call a skank playing "H.O.R.S.E?
She missed two shots, so she's a ho. I'll leave now.
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Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
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Why didn't Drake head on down to South Park?
He would never leave his woes behind.
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Why do you want to leave your current job?
My boss is a total idiot "It says here you're self-employed " Yes that's right
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What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory?
Give it two test-tickles!
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What did the hippie say when I asked him to leave my house?
Nah, I'm-a stay.
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Why did the fruit leave office?
because he was imPEACHED! lol. i hate myself.
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How many racecar drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's impossible, they only know how to turn to the left.
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What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking?
A leave of Absinthe.
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Why did Helen Keller scream?
Her parents left the plunger in the toilet.
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Why did the mathematician call his dog Cauchy?
Because he left a residue at every pole.
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Why are people not right in the head?
Because on the left side of the brain there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left!
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Whats the difference between America and Yogurt?
If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.
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What's better than having a 'Brexit' vote about Britain leaving the EU?
Not being British.
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What kind of doctor never leaves the hospital?
An Oncologist
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Why didn't the electron leave it's house?
Because it was grounded.
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What do you get when you leave a dog inside a car when it's 100 degrees outside?
A hot dog.
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What's the last thing a Tickle-Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test-tickles!
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How did the Idiot break his arm while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
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Which is Bernie Sanders' dominant hand?
His left one
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What does a tree do when it goes on vacation?
It packs its trunk and leaves.
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Why did the perv leave?
Because he came.
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Why does the spanish dude keep walking left?
Because izquierda going right.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
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Why can't Edward leave Russia?
He's Snowden.
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Why do feminists always seem so unhappy?
Because happy people usually leave cults.
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Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?
A: She wanted to be a nurse.
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs playing in the leaves?
Russell.
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How can you tell if your wife left you?
You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!
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What do redditors and litterers have in common?
I'm just gonna leave this here."
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What did the peanut say to his wife before he left?
I'll be back in a jiffy
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How do you get someone with a doctorate in philosophy to leave your house?
Just pay for your pizza.
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What's long and black?
every day How did Hellen Keller lose her virginity Someone left a plunger in the toilet
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What did the Eskimo children sing when their principal was leaving?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
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What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A fart. It will cut through your pants and not even leave a hole.
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Why do white people think they can say the N word?
Because it is the only thing left that still belongs to black people.
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How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool?
You ask them to leave.
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What did the hippie say when he was asked to leave the couch he was sleeping/staying on?
Namast (nah-ima-stay)
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Who takes over when the Ultrasound man is on leave?
The Hip Replacement Guy.
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Why's he happy?
He got dog-piled. Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down. Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
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Why did Ally refuse to do her homework, when all she had left was to square the x and y axis?
Cause Allies don't like axis powers
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Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school?
He was Russian.
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Why did the marble countertop leave the kitchen?
It was tired of being taken for granite.
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt?
I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.
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Where is children?
Latvian man respond "Children is dead from childbirth." Bus leave.
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Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?
At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.
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When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.
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What did the yogi say to his friends when they asked him to leave?
Nah I'ma stay"
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How much time do I have left, doctor?
Doctor: 10 Guy: 10 what ! 10 days, 10 months, 10 years Doctor: 9...8...7...6...5...
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Why did the trout leave the cult?
They were too sacrifishal
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How does a penguin make a decision?
Flipper coin. Again, I shall take my leave.
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Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin
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Why did you leave me here all alone?
Where o where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found some one You met a zombie and pblblthpth you were gone.
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Why do we have to listen to a 45 second instructional to leave someone a voice mail?
Beep, talk. We get it, condescending cell companies.
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What did the pulse say to the legume as he left?
Lentil next time.
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Why did the young ghost leave the party?
Everyone started drinking boo's. Happy Halloween!
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Why is Darth Vader black?
Because he left his son.
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What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy?
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!
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What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five?
You leave him hanging....
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What's the difference between America and Yoghurt?
If you leave yoghurt alone for 2000 years it'll develop a culture.
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Why are riddles about trees so hard?
Because they always leave you stumped!
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How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They left the plunger in the toilet.
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What did the hippie say when asked to leave the party?
Namaste.
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Why did Jesus leave the dance floor?
Because it was Hammertime'
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Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left?
Because black people have no rights
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What does a tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory?
Two test tickles
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Why did the duck leave the dancefloor?
He didn't want to get down on it.
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Why did the sheriff arrest the tree?
Because its leaves rustled.
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How many times can look at the sun with a telescope?
You can do this twice. One time with you right eye and one with your left!
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What's the sharpest thing in the word?
A fart. It goes right through your pants and doesn't leave a hole.
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What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left her house to board the Challenger space shuttle?
You feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish."
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How is my wife doing?
Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.
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What happened when the Pillsbury Doughboy's girlfriend was left out too long?
He had a stalemate.
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What does a tree do when it wants to go home?
It leaves.
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What did the fancy cat say when he wanted to leave?
Le meow
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How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?
He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"
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How many feminists does it take to dismantle the patriarchy?
None. Once they shut up, no-one has any reason left to oppress them :)
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What did the yoga teacher say when someone asked if she wanted to leave the party early?
Namaste
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Why did Prince Charles leave Windsor Castle and move to an alley?
Because: Camilla Parker Bowles.
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Why do they name all hurricanes after women?
Because when they arrive they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car
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How do you stop ISIS?
Leave some milk in the sun for a few days.
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What do you call a person who is missing his left eye, left ear, left arm and left leg?
Alright.
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Why does Beyonce say "To the left, to the left"?
Because black people have no rights.
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Why couldn't the NSA leave their houses?
They got Snowden.
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What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party?
You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!
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Why did the emo kid leave the bar?
It was happy hour.
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How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, I left early.
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What do Santa and Jared from Subway have in common?
They both leave kids rooms with an empty sack
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What Happens when the Cubs win the World Series?
They Leave a Trail of Tears
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What's left of a garden after it catches on fire?
Chard remains.
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Why are people leaving the Ukraine?
I don't know but they sure are Russian.
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What do you call a thief that leaves a trail?
A crummy thief!
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What is the fastest way to lose pounds?
Leave EU.
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How many were left ?
None. They were all copy cats !
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When do the leaves begin to turn?
The night before a test.
-
What's the worse thing to do to a blind person?
Leave a plunger in the toilet
-
How do you mess with a blind person?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
-
What's the worst thing about owning a console?
Memories of your dad leaving you are in 30fps
-
What did the right testlcle say to the left?
Look at this guy in the middle trying to act all hard
-
How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
-
What time do Germans leave their dentist appointments?
2:39
-
What do you do when nothing goes right?
Go left
-
How can you tell Voldemort used the bathroom before you?
He leaves a dark mark
-
What do dads never forget to include in their "dad" jokes?
PUNctuation Okay, I'll leave.
-
Why don't Leave voters go to the cinema?
Because they're unable to see the big picture.
-
What do you call a bunch of black kids playing in leaves?
Raisin bran
-
Why was the blonde in the tree?
A. Because she was raking up the leaves!
-
What do you do when two snails have a fight?
Leave them to slug it out.
-
Where do astronauts leave their spacecraft?
At parking meteors.
-
What's your favorite adult-themed Halloween joke?
My favorite is: "There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep. He gives me the willies."
-
Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery's party?
It was leave your keys at the door.
-
Why did King Arthur leave no heir?
He was legendary for pulling out.
-
Why did the snowman leave his wife?
Because she got plowed by another man.
-
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel
-
What do you call a duck being kidnapped?
An abduction. I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.
-
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?
Christian Bale
-
Why do black people have darker skin than other people?
Because, similar to leaves fallen from a tree, black people are dead inside.
-
When does Eminem leave school?
Aftermath
-
Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog?
hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem) A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole.
-
What did the black eyed peas say when they left the dentist?
I got a filling, woo-hoo!"
-
What's your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.
-
What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
Nothing... They've never met
-
How on earth can you defend a man like Adam Johnson?
it's easy, he's all left foot - just constantly show him down the right side and don't let him cut in.
-
Why did the carpenter's wife leave him?
He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.
-
What is the meanest thing you could do to a blind person ?
Leave the plunger on the toilet.
-
How much poutine was left after the hockey game?
Nunavet
-
What is the last thing that tickle-me elmo gets before he leaves the factory?
Two test tickles
-
How do you fit 4 guys on a bar stool?
Turn it upside-down. But how do you get them off Shake the stool. (OK, I'll leave now.)
-
Why did Monica Lewinsky vote Republican?
Because Democrat left a bad taste in her mouth!
-
Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?
They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.
-
What is the worst thing anyone can do to a blind man?
Leave a plunger in the toilet!
-
What's wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.
-
Why was it easier for the whistleblower to leave American soil earlier in the year?
It didn't Snowden.
-
Why did the Carpenters wife leave him?
Because he was screwing around.
-
What's the difference between America any yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
-
Why did Bill Gates get sick?
Because he left the Windows open.
-
What is the difference between the US and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt for 200 years it'll grow a culture.
-
What do disabled people get when there's a fire in the building?
Left behind
-
What does a bucket of KFC and a whore have in common?
After you're done with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
-
Why is a woman like a KFC?
After your done with the thighs and breasts all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
-
How do you make a Chihauhau cross?
Leave it alone with a horny Beagle for 5 minutes.
-
Where do astronauts leave their spaceships?
At parking meteors.
-
Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law leaving I don't have to take this
-
What do you call a judge with no left hand and left leg?
He is alright, but one sided!
-
What did the buffalo say before his son left for school?
Bison
-
What does every "Tickle Me Elmo" get before they leave the factory?
Two test tickles
-
How does the balance sheet of a bank look like as of today?
On the left side there's nothing right and on the right side there's nothing left...
-
How can a room full of couples be empty?
There isn't a single person left! Bwahahahahaha
-
Why do waitresses hate mohels?
Because they never leave a tip.
-
Why does Edward never leave Russia?
He's always Snowden.
-
Why does Beyonce sing the song "to the left"?
Because black people have no rights...
-
Why do you have a black eye?
You'll have two if you leave your girlfriend's underwear in my car one more time!
-
What's an empty suit of armor doing on the drivers side of a car?
He went out for the knight. OK I'll leave now
-
How was work?
flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said "abreast" me:Good
-
What gas leaves a pirate speechless?
Argon
-
What does an insecure white kid do when he accidentally leaves a page?
Alt+Right
-
What are you praying for?
Husband: For guidance. Wife: Pray for hardness. Leave guidance to me!!!
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in a pile of leaves?
Rustle
-
How do you know a neighborhood is too ghetto to film in?
If most people leave before shooting starts.
-
How Do Priests Get High?
Snorting the left over ashes from Ash Wednesday...
-
What did the balding German frau exclaim when her husband left her?
Ach! I tink I'm losing mein Herr!
-
Why is it wrong to be on the left?
Because it's not right.
-
What's 6" long, bent to the left, and in the front of my pants??
My iPhone 6.
-
Why did the duck leave his flock?
Because he wanted to be a-loone.
-
Why are you picking up rocks?
M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.
-
What is the difference between a yogurt and america?
If you leave the yogurt for 100 years alone, it develops a culture.
-
Why does Poesche keep their engines in the back?
To leave more room for Paul Walker in the Front..
-
Where can you find a paraplegic man?
Right where you left him.
-
Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower's plane leave Washington DC?
He was Edward Snowed-In.
-
Why are women like KFC?
After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
-
Why did the T-Rex's girlfriend leave him?
Because he said he only loved her this much (hold out t-rex like arms) Sorry this one requires a bit of a visual, but I thought you guys might like it
-
What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening?
Have a nice bite!
-
Why did the dislocated finger leave the party?
He felt really out of place.
-
What sock do you put on last?
The one that's left.
-
Who left these bodies here?
Get them back inside the camp!"
-
How is a woman who got her winter coat at Target similar to an officer on leave?
They both got their fur low.
-
What's the difference between a yogurt and the Americans?
If you leave a yogurt for 200 years it'll grow a culture.
-
Who's there ! Crewcut ! Crewcut who?
Crewcut and I'm the only one left !
-
When should I reach the bus station if the bus leaves at 1530 hrs?
before 15:30 ... I'll show myself out
-
What is the number 1 activity to do in Syria on Trip Advisor?
Leave.
-
What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?
Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years Pete.
-
Why does pokemon have only one save file per game?
I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)
-
Why does Beyonce sing, "To the left, to the left!"?
Because black women have no rights.
-
What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
-
How do her parents punish Helen Keller?
By leaving the plunger in the toilet.
-
Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.
-
How do you get even with Hellen Keller?
Comment your favorite Hellen Keller jokes) How do you get even with Hellen Keller Leave the plunger in the toilet
-
What does Ronda Rousey's opponents and myself have in common?
We both barely last 14 seconds and leave our partners underwhelmed.
-
Why was it so hot in the stadium after the game?
Because all the fans left
-
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it
-
Why can't the NSA leaker leave Russia?
Because he's Snow'd-in!
-
What does a tree do when he's going on a vacation?
He packs his trunk and leaves. I should go back to studying now. K bye.
-
What do you call rice on 2 legs?
Pi Ok, I'm leaving now.
-
What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter?
Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russel.
-
Why did the cattle leave the marijuana field?
Because the steaks were too high!
-
What did the right eye said to the left?
Between me and you, "something smells".
-
What do you get when you do laundry and accidentally leave chocolate in your pocket?
Lindt choclate.
-
What does a math teacher say when they leave?
calc-U-LATER
-
Why did the Irish man never get caught drink driving?
Because he never left the pub.
-
Why couldn't the American leave Russia?
He was snowden
-
Who's gonna be Batman?
leaves Earth*
-
Why did the dyslexic butcher feel left out?
He felt like he just didn't belong-a (bologna)
-
What do you call a guy with no arms & no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russel
-
What do you have left after you burn a French alphabet?
H Edit: I don't like explaining jokes but since the first guy didn't get I might as well: When pronounced in a French accent it sounds like ash.
-
How do you leave a bunch of idiots in suspense?
I'll tell you guys tomorrow
-
What do you call a Hungarian insect who won't leave siddhartha alone?
A Buddha-pest.
-
Why did you leave us so early?
He is asked why are you so crying Do you cry about your close relative -No, I am crying about the first husband of my wife.
-
What did the commander say when she realized that she had left Matt Damon on Mars?
I have left my Mark on Mars"
-
What's the difference between the US and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
-
What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar?
I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there
-
What did the executioner say to his wife when he left?
I'll beheading out now.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying under a pile of leaves?
Russel.
-
What is the difference between leaves and a car?
One you brush and rake, the other you rush and brake.
-
Why did Beyonc sing "to the left, to the left"?
Because black people don't have rights.
-
Why did Rolf Harris leave Animal Hospital?
He heard they were getting hares and lost interest!
-
Why did the farmer's house catch on fire?
He left his home on the range.
-
Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.
-
What do you call a scar left by the Swedish Chef?
A borkmark.
-
What's the difference between Reddit and the 1984 Universe?
You can leave Reddit.
-
How do you get over a crush you've had since high school?
Leave the dungeon door unlocked.
-
How many were left?
Nine!
-
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree! I may not be a girl, but I'm blonde and find blonde jokes hilarious. xD
-
How is a woman like KFC?
After you're done with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box.
-
How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
She left a plunger in the toilet
-
What do you call a bunch of black children playing in a pile of leaves?
raisin bran
-
What room is it?
When you arrive at the international airport you are American. There is a room that changes your nationality. When you enter this room you are Russian, when you leave this room you are Finnish, and while inside European. What room is it?
-
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
-
What did the detective say when he tripped over a pretzel left by the perp?
Well, that was an unexpected twist!
-
What an emotional roller coaster ROLLER COASTER: calling out to me as I exit the park Why are you leaving?
Is it something I said
-
What begins with an "s", ends with a "x" and leaves a guy blown away?
Semtex.
-
What hand do you wipe with?
Answer: left or right Response: why not use toilet paper
-
How did the newfie injure himself raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree
-
What do you call it when someone leaves at the first sign of a hurricane?
A premature evacuation.
-
What happened when the joker dropped an elephant carrying a ten ton weight on Batman and Robin?
They became flatman and ribbon. has left the building.
-
Why couldn't Edward leave the Airport?
Because he was Snowden...
-
What animals were last to leave the ark ?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks !
-
What is long, hard and leaves a warm, white, sticky substance in your mouth?
Toothbrush.
-
What does Santa say to the elves after they make the toys?
Leave my presents
-
What does a woman have in common with a KFC meal?
Once your are done with the juicy breasts and tender thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to throw your bone in.
-
Why did Comic Sans's girlfriend leave him?
He just wasn't her type.
-
How did the blonde break her leg from raking the leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
-
Why couldn't the NSA agent leave the Russian airport?
Because he got Snowden!
-
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave little boys rooms with empty sacks.
-
What does every Tickle Me Elmo receive before it leaves the factory?
Two testicles.
-
What did Pink Floyd say to Jerry Sandusky?
Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!
-
How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?
By leaving a plunger in the toilet
-
What did the cat say when the delivery man was leaving?
Purolator.
-
Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?
Because he got cold feet.
-
Why do trees shed their leaves in fall?
Because they've had their chloro-fill.
-
Why is it never hot in churches?
Because it's prayer conditioned. I'll leave now....
-
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving
-
Who fills in for the president of Russia when he's on leave?
Deputin
-
What do they leave on your pillow at a bordello in Dijon, France?
Condom-Mints
-
What is the real reason leaves fall to the ground?
They know people will blow them.
-
How many ears do Star Trek fans have?
3, Right Ear, Left Ear and The Final Front-Ear.
-
Why should you always finish telling your jokes to David Carradine?
He doesn't like to be left hanging.
-
Why did the woman leave her overweight husband unconscious in a burning building?
Because she couldn't stand him.
-
How are bad dubstep and constipation similar?
Both leave you waiting for the drop.
-
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road?
Do they really think someone will take it Do you think I should wash it first
-
What soup weighs the most?
Wanton soup. I'll leave now.
-
How can a beautiful girl like you be single?
Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"
-
How to spot the toughest guy in jail?
He still has some whistle left in his fart.
-
Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Moscow?
He got snowed in.
-
Why were the ancient Greeks considered so brave on the battlefield?
They didn't want to leave their brothers behind.
-
What did the parent say when the little girl was whining?
A: Leave it to peave her.
-
What happened when the monster kissed his one true love?
He left lip prints on the mirror!
-
What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn?
A Moles Royce.
-
Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Russia?
He was snowed in.
-
Why did Tina Fey cross the road ?
To get another Golden Globe. Tina Fey walks into the Tina Fey,the Tina Fey asks "How can i Tina Fey you ?to which Tina Fey reply,"Ah just give me a Tina Fey" and then leaves with a Golden Globe. Unbreakable is good.
-
Whats the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
Two test tickles.
-
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
-
Why did the geologist's wife leave him?
He was getting physical (first joke hope you like it)
-
Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?
Crackers always leave crumbs.
-
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
-
What did the pig say when his wife left him?
Don't go bacon my heart"
-
What did the underscore say when he got up to leave?
Gotta Dash!
-
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
When you're done with the breast and thighs, the only thing left is a greasy box to put your bone in
-
What would the name on the cat's bowl be?
It would be 'Bowl' and all of your friends would leave you because you are an idiot and named your cat Bowl.
-
How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
Somebody left the plunger in the toilet.
-
How hard do you think Joe Biden laughs when a senate's bill gets 69 votes?
I bet he has to leave the room.
-
Whats the difference between Australia and a yoghurt?
Leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 300 years and it'll develop a culture
-
Why couldnt you trust Castros wife?
Because at one point, she was infidel. Ok ill leave now
-
What's the difference between a yoghurt and the USA?
If left for 400 years, the yoghurt will develop a culture.
-
What did the Men's Right's Activist say when he left his piano out in the rain?
MUH SOGGY KEYS!
-
Why did God give women legs?
Because he saw the mess that snails left behind!
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell
-
What's the worst prank you can play on a blind person?
Leave the plunger in the toilet
-
Why did the skeleton leave the party?
Because everyone was calling him a bone-head. (I was 6 when I came up with that).
-
What's the difference between a waitress and your mom?
A waitress leaves me alone after I give her the tip.
-
How do you know the girl from Jaws had dandruff?
She left her Head & Shoulders on the beach
-
How much space is left in EU?
1 GB
-
What did one eyebrow say to the other eyebrow when leaving?
Eyebro. I will see myself out.
-
Why did a girl leave his boyfriend for a mushroom?
because he wasn't a fungi!
-
Why did Sally the Sloth sleep in all day?
Because her crippling depression leaves her unable to function properly.
-
What costs you a fortune and leaves you in tears a year and a half later?
Not cancer, but my relationship that just ended today!
-
Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country?
He was Snowden.
-
What would you tell someone who is attempting to steal your cheese (hint: not "nacho cheese")?
Leave my provolone!
-
What's the hardest part of breaking up with a leper ?
They always leave a piece of themselves behind.
-
Why did the John leave the Brothel?
He was sick of the hormones! (whore-moans)
-
Why do women always sleep on the left side of the bed?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS!!!!!
-
Why was the composer late for work?
He missed Debussy. I'll just leave.
-
What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party?
I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.
-
What do you want to be when you leave college?
Student: "Alive".
-
Why can't horses vote?
Cause their answer is always 'nay'. I'm sorry, I'll leave...
-
What does every Elmo receive before they leave the factory?
Two test tickles!
-
Why didn't Hellen Keller learn to lip-read?
The braille left her lips numb.
-
Why didn't blacks in 1850 give high-fives?
Because everyone always left them hanging!
-
What did Drake say to 2Chainz as he was leaving da club?
Challah at ya boy!
-
What do Ted Bundy and the Space Shuttle Colombia have in common?
They both left bodies in four states.
-
What football position did the forever alone play?
Left Out
-
Why don't many Greek men move to other countries?
They don't want to leave their brothers behind
-
What's the difference between white people and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will finally develop its own cultures
-
Who's there A gorgon. A gorgon who?
420 gaze it. Geddit. Because then you'd be stoned Okay, sorry I'll leave.
-
Why can't Edward leave Russia this winter?
He'll be Snowden.
-
What's the motto of the Greek army?
Never leave your buddy's behind.
-
What does a BYU coed do when she notices people are drinking at a party?
She puts her top back on and leaves.
-
What do you call an Irish man who won't leave your porch?
Paddy O' furniture
-
Why couldn't the NSA agent leave his house this Winter?
He was Snowden.
-
Why is the man only left with 30?
Credit to Bo Burnham.
-
What is the Greek Army's motto?
Never leave your buddy's behind.
-
What did the couch surfing, yoga junkie say when his friend asked him to leave?
Namaste.
-
What did UK say while leaving?
It's not EU, it's me
-
Why did the Ogre cry when he left the doctor's office?
He was diagnosed with shrecktal cancer.
-
How many guns do I have left?
That's right. 10.
-
How can you tell a hippie's been in your house?
He's still there when you get home. What's he say when you tell him to leave? "Na, 'ma stay"
-
What do you call a bunch of black people in a pile of leaves?
Raisin Bran
-
Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?
Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim already left.
-
What did the hippie say when you told him to leave your house?
Namaste
-
Why couldn't the man leave Moscow?
He was Snowden.