Lie Jokes
-
Why did all the other toys throw RaggedyAnn out of the toy box?
She kept on sitting on Pinocchio's face yelling "Lie to me, lie to me!"
-
What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio's face?
Tell me a lie. Tell me the truth. Tell me a lie. Tell me the truth. Tell me a lie...
-
Why does Shakira have such a hard time sleeping at night?
Because her hips won't lie.
-
Whats the V in DVD stand for?
Cuz if it were lying down it wouldnt make any sense. (first post to reddit, made up this joke today .. be kind)
-
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
-
Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.
-
What do you call a deceptive feline?
A lion. Get it guys lol? Lion Lying I'll pounce myself out now...
-
What has four wheels and can't support a family?
A liberal arts major. I lied about the wheels.
-
What kind of cats lay around the house?
A: Car-pets!
-
How can you tell when Mitt Romney is lying?
His mouth is moving.
-
What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives?
A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!
-
What is the most beautiful thing in the world?
Is it your right thigh, or your left? Or does the answer lie somewhere in the middle?
-
What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells?
A dead centipede.
-
What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby.
-
Why are pilots so honest?
Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. "We're delayed because we're winning a safety award."
-
Why do programmers drink coffee so much?
So they aren't lying when they say they like Java.
-
Why do dinosaurs use Christian dating sites?
Because they can lie about their age!
-
What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court ?
Annette !
-
Why are girls so hot?
because they lay out in the sun so much lol :P
-
Which side is it best to lie on?
she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.
-
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.
-
What's his name?
A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, naked woman lying face-down on the bed. Q: What's his name? A: Willie Turner Q: What's name? A: Betty Will
-
What's the difference between a Transformer robot and a Transgender person?
One is living in a spaceship and one is living a lie.
-
What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time. Me: 3-year-old: I need to lie down.
-
Who is the most successful liar in the world?
Mary. Lied about her extramarital affair, still believed by billions.
-
What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog
-
How do you know a presidential candidate is lying?
Their lips are moving.
-
Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs?
The rest are hunting peckers.
-
What's brown and steaming and lies behind the barracks?
Gomer's pile.
-
Why was the bicycle lying on the side of the road?
It was two tired.
-
Why did Bibi Netanyahu lie on a couch licking his balls?
Likud.
-
Who's there ! Al ! Al who ?
Al lied !
-
What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck! I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.
-
How do black people get tans at the beach?
They lay down on their backs and put their legs and arms toward the sky.
-
Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?
Because it's too much like work what with all of the lying involved.
-
Why are women bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to all their lives about how long "8" inches is.
-
Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?
Because he is lying.
-
Why are liars so lazy?
Because they are always lying in bed!
-
Why don't black people lay in the sun?
because it's 92.96 million miles away.
-
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
-
Why was Cinderella kicked out of Walt Disney World?
Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to start telling lies.
-
What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?
They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.
-
Who is the most trustworthy lover?
Shakira. Her hips don't lie.
-
Why was Barbie kicked out of the toy box?
because she kept sitting on pinocchio's face moaning, "lie to me!"
-
Why would a dead girl lie?
Because she can't stand up.
-
Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?
Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.
-
What do you call it when someone from Belarus lies to you?
A Belaruse!
-
How can you tell when a politician is lying?
When their lips move
-
Why did raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face screaming "LIE TO ME"!
-
Why should you never trust someone straight after coitus?
Usually they're lying
-
Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas. -Rly Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset
-
Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night?
Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.
-
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner lie to her kids?
She's a transparent.
-
What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.
-
What's green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?
A girl scout that got hit by a car.
-
What do you call lying furniture?
Untrustable
-
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
-
What's the difference between a cat and a politician?
A cat will lie your face. A politician will lie your face.
-
What's yellow has wheels and lies on its back?
A dead school bus!
-
What did pinnochio's girlfriend say when they were 69'ing?
Lie to me
-
Why so long face?
Latvian say, "I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby."
-
What signal tells you that a politician is lying?
The lips are moving
-
What is Pink and lies on the doormat?
Whitney Houston's Valentines Day Cards
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch?
Phil
-
What do you call the birth of a lie?
Myth-conception
-
What do you do when you see a black man lying on the floor?
You stop laughing and shoot him again.
-
What do you call it when a soldier gets laid?
Tactical Insertion.* What do you call it when a COD player gets laid *Lies.*
-
What lies upside down a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
-
Where do socialist birds lay their eggs?
In a communest (pls
-
How does that make you feel?
ME: "Mphh mophh wampph." T: Again, this works better if you don't lie face down on the couch.
-
What's Blue, Orange and Lying at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool?
What's blue, orange and lying at the bottom of a swimming pool? A baby with popped floaties.
-
What happens to lawyers after they die?
They lie still.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying under a pile of leaves?
Russel.
-
What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?
Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one
-
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake at night if there really is a dog.
-
Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air ?
Because eggs were going up !
-
Why is everything lying on the floor?
my mom asked Gravity, I replied.
-
How are strippers and Subway workers similar?
They'll both lie and tell you it's a footlong to get paid.
-
Who's there ! Attila ! Attila who ?
Attila you no lies !
-
What do you call a ford on top of a hill?
A lie
-
Why did Raggedy Anne get kicked out of the toybox?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming "Lie to me! Lie to me!!!"
-
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
-
How can you tell that a politician lies?
His lips are moving
-
How do you know when a politician is lying?
Their mouth is moving.
-
How can you tell a black person is lying?
His lips are moving.
-
How's your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It's been worse.
-
How does an attorney go to sleep?
First he lies on one side, then the other!!
-
What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
-
Why did the monster lie on his back?
To trip up low-flying aircraft.
-
Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?
It wasn't born yesterday.
-
What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a "world's best dad" mug. 4: You told me not to lie.
-
What do you call a flexible Rastafarian who lies a lot?
Cinnamon twist
-
What's green and has four wheels?
A turtle. I was lying about the wheels
-
What is every young ladys ultimate Disney fantasy?
To sit on Pinnochios face and hope he tells lies.
-
How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat?
You use a spirit level.
-
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
-
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein's monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
-
What lies on its back 100 feet in the air?
A centipede
-
Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I'm not Me: You said you were Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW
-
What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
-
What do Volkswagen and a boy going through puberty have in common?
They both lie about their emissions.
-
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
-
How many reps would you usually do?
he asked. "A million," I rep lied.
-
Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
One good turn deserves another.
-
How does a lawyer sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.
-
What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie still.
-
How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?
His lips are moving.
-
Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock?
I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!
-
What is blue and lies by the seabed?
Probably not a planned child.
-
What came first?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
-
How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures?
Someone is lying.
-
What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?
Lie in bed wondering "Is there really a dog?"
-
What's Irish and lies around in the sun all day?
Patty O'Furniture.
-
What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?
The car salesman knows he is lying.
-
Why do cows lie down in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
-
How do you know a Muslim is lying?
their lips are moving
-
Why did they kick Raggedy Anne out of the toybox?
She kept on sitting on Pinocchio's face yelling "Lie to me... lie to me!"
-
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
-
Why are women such bad drivers?
Because they are constantly lied to about what 8" is.
-
What's yellow and lies in a pond?
Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in english. What's yellow and lies in a pond? An excevator. You don't think this is funny? Neither does the operator.