Life Jokes

  • Where have you been my whole life?

    I said "SOBER"

  • Who's Angry in Japan?

    The director of Life of Pi.

  • How is life at the post office going?

    It's going well I guess. It has its usps and it's downs. Edited for correctness

  • What is best potato?

    Latvian potato is best potato. Is kind you spend whole life looking for. Also, low calories.

  • What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

    Fred and George Weasley.

  • What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his head in the fan?

    It took ears off his life!

  • Why is Kylo Ren so lonely all the time?

    He's Ben Solo his whole life

  • Whats a Joke with no Punchline?


  • Why do artists die early in life?

    Too many strokes.

  • Why is Kevin Hart the opposite of Michael Schumacher?

    His life improved after he met the rock.

  • What do you call a dinosaur that raps about life?

    A philosorapper

  • Why do rpg characters like potions so much?

    Because they're always the life of the party!

  • What did earth say to the other planet?

    You guys have no life!"

  • Why is it called "the circle of life"?

    Because it's pointless.

  • Why was the double leg amputee sentenced to life?

    He had no leg to stand on.

  • What begins with S, ends with X and will change your life?


  • Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends?

    Because for most of his life, he's Ben Solo.

  • How did the hail stone describe it's life?

    It really has a lot of ups and downs

  • What's the darkest joke you know?

    I've always been a fan or dark humor, so, what's the darkest joke you know. no boundaries, no getting offended. please don't downvote anyone because you find it offensive, that's life, get over it.

  • Why was the Headless Horseman depressed?

    He could never seem to get ahead in life.

  • What am I doing with the rest of my life?

    I don't even know what I'm doing with the rest of this tweet...

  • What is a french bakers lifestyle like?

    Its a life of pain

  • What's the best moment of your life?

    me: That time I won a stuffed dino- wife: That didn't involve a dinosaur me: Our wedding

  • Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?

    Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

  • What's the difference between math and meth?

    One of them ruins your life. The other's just meth.

  • What's a life without units?


  • What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage?

    The energy bill ...

  • Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?

    He couldn't remove three nails to save his life

  • How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

    None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

  • How do we confirm life on another planet?

    If you find a rare Pepe drawn the disk.

  • What is life?

    Where am I going & -What the hell is a "spokes" person for a bike company called

  • What's the biggest joke of all time?

    My life. My entire goddamned life.

  • What did Earth say to the Sun?

    My life revolves around you!

  • Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin?

    Because his life is at stake.

  • Why is there no life on Mars?

    No WiFi...

  • Why didn't the astronauts land on the moon?

    Because it was full. * (from a taffy taffy wrapper--oh my god what am I doing with my life)

  • Why was the cow scared about going into the slaughter house?

    His life was at stake. Badum psh.

  • Why do people buy fruit already cut up?

    There's only like 7 things in life easier than cutting up fruit and one of them is farting.

  • Why was the Xbox 360 named as it was?

    Cos when I seen one i turnt 360 degrees and walked away Playstation for life xD

  • What is the value of x?

    Student: She was my life.

  • What's your opener?

    JESUS: "God loves you." You BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too

  • What did Hillary say when she lost?

    Putin end to my life.

  • Why was the Butcher depressed?

    Because his life was in shambles.

  • Why's the little boy scarred for life after going to buy his mom some earrings?

    He went to Jared.

  • Why did the chicken cross the street?


  • Whats the favored pasta dish among ISIL members?

    Baked Yazidi............ I know where I'm going after this life :(

  • Why did Mario lose a life?

    He stubbed his MiyamoToe. ...I'll see my way out.

  • What is the saddest thing in you're life?

    That you clicked on this link only to correct my grammer....

  • What did one nihilistic dolphin say to the other?

    What is life without a porpoise?"

  • How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

    None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

  • What has a bottom at its top?

    My life ( ..)

  • What did the Mexican student write his essay about?

    Life outside of prison.

  • What do you have when life gives you melons?


  • How do tree surgeons live?

    Life on the hedge!

  • Why are Asians not optimistic?

    Because they have a limited view of life.

  • What do men and hardwood flooring have in common?

    Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

  • Why are men afraid of the world?

    They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.

  • What's the meaning of life?

    Why don't you google it?

  • Why was the kamikaze pilot so depressed?

    He felt his life was heading for a downward spiral.

  • Why do we all marry?

    because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!

  • What does one chauvinist say to the other?

    There's a thousand things I'd like to do in my life, and those are just the pretty ones!

  • What did the spider say to the bee ?

    Your honey or your life !

  • What do you call a semiaquatic, furry little animal than never amounted to anything in it's life?

    An *otter* failure (I'll see myself out)

  • What is the one riddle that everyone gives up?

    The riddle of life!

  • What do you call someone who isn't a redhead but colors there hair red later in life?

    A trans-ginger

  • What's the best way to be on Instagram and in life?


  • What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?

    Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

  • How do you describe the life of a redditor?


  • What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare?

    They're practically non existent.

  • What do quantum physicists do when life gives them lemons?


  • What do you tell a woman who wants a larger outlook on life?

    Tell her to stand next to the kitchen window

  • Why is Facebook such a hit?

    It works on the principle that People are more interested in others life than their own'.

  • What elements make up life?

    Lithium and Iron

  • Why are hipsters the oldest known form of life?

    They were on the Earth before it was cool.

  • Why was the dolphin sad?

    Because it had no porpoise in life.

  • What's life like with alchohol?

    Depressing. What's life like without alchohol? Depressing. I need friends.

  • Whats the difference between a baby and a feminist?

    At some point in its life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.

  • What is every blonde's ambition in life?

    To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

  • What's the difference between having a job and being a homeless drug addict?

    One takes over your life and turns you into brainless zombie and the other one makes you homeless.

  • Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy?

    A: Because he only made a good buccaneer.

  • What is the longest?

    Life without parole

  • Why did the calendar give up on life?

    Because he felt his days were numbered.

  • What's a joke?

    My life...

  • Who says there's no life on Mars?

    Why only today they found a Beagle!

  • Why will the ghost never succeed in life?

    He's too eeriesponsible!!!!

  • How is life as a virgin?

    Its hard

  • How long does it take to reach the ground from 110 stories up?

    The rest of your life.

  • What all girls want?

    All girls want 70 things in their life 1. Shopping Rest are "69"

  • Why was the animal unhappy?

    He had a ruff week.. His life wasn't purrfect. His brother was a shellout. His mother's been a real crab lately. His family was really shellfish. He had no porpoise in life.

  • What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?

    Life is like a box of chocolates...

  • Why was the cab driver contemplating his life?

    Because he had nothing to chauffeur.

  • What should you do when life gives you melons?

    Get tested for dyslexia.

  • Why was the dolphin depressed?

    He felt he had no porpoise in life

  • How did the coprophilic marine respond when asked what the most important thing in life was?

    Duty. Honor.

  • What is it called when a Redditor writes about his life?

    A meme-oir

  • How do you know when you should get a puppy?

    When life's getting a little ruff ...I'll see myself out

  • When does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug?

    When it gets a handle on life.

  • What's a life without manitees?

    A life with out porpoise.

  • What has a beginning and an end, but nothing in the middle?


  • What did 'b' say to his friend 'e' after 'e' saved his life?

    AY E! I O U edit: added Y

  • Why do the bald seem to handle life so much better than the rest?

    They're always eager for more on their pate.

  • What is twitter?

    3. Twitter is beautiful. 4. What is life

  • How is life in North Korea?

    I wrote to my North Korean pen pal "I can't complain" he wrote back.

  • What's life like in North Korea?

    Oh, I can't complain."

  • Why do Butchers don't risk it all in life?

    Because the Steaks are too high.

  • How's my life?

    Let's just say I'm starting a lot of sentences with "let's just say".

  • How's life?

    she asked. "Oh same as usual" he replied "boring."

  • What did earth say to the other planets?

    You guys have no life!

  • What's on a gangster artist's t-shirt?

    Still Life.

  • How does a vampire get through life with only one fang?

    He has to grin and bare it.

  • Why did the marine biologist jump off a bridge?

    He lost his porpoise in life.

  • How long does it take to reach the ground from 100 stories up?

    The rest of your life.

  • What do you do if life gives you melons?

    You're dyslexic.

  • How do I submit a joke?

    Do I hand my life in

  • What do you tell someone who feels that life has shorted them from a purpose or calling?

    You belong.

  • What do you call it when a helicopter pilot reflects on his life?


  • Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life?


  • Who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life?

    A statistician.

  • How much does a Human shield cost?

    One life

  • What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?

    An Opti-Mystic.

  • Where have you been all my life?

    Please go back there.

  • What's life like in the year 3000?

    It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

  • What does earth say to the other planets?

    You have no life

  • Why am I just so naturally funny?

    Because my life is a joke. Dont worry Im not scuicidal

  • How dare you complain about your life?

    Someone's mom is Snooki.

  • Why are most guys like floor tile?

    Because if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them from the rest of your life!

  • What did the CPU say to the RAM?

    Sorry to cache you out but I want the data closer. The RAM replied: you're right, "life" is too short.

  • What's the difference between life and wife's rant?

    Life eventually ends.

  • How fast are black people allowed to go on the highway?

    25 to Life.

  • Why did the guitarist get life in prison?

    He fingered a minor.

  • How are men like carpet tiles?

    If you lay them properly the first time around you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

  • What does a Jedi say after a tragic loss of life?

    May my thoughts be with them".

  • What did the dyslexic man do when life gave him lemons?

    He made melon-ade

  • What did the depressed, illiterate pepperoni slice say when asked where he was with his life?

    Well it pizza heck out of me.

  • What are you doing with your life?

    I'm up."

  • Why did the black man walk backwards?

    I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.

  • Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us?

    Why do we have to do all the work

  • What is life like for a wood worm ?

    Boring !

  • What bring a dead duck back to life?

    A dead bullfrog.

  • What is Mr. Corn's philosophy on life?

    Life is a maze.

  • What is something that can breakdance on the floor only once on their life?

    A fish

  • What did the cheese maker say to his son after he dropped the cheese?

    That's no whey to go through life, son.

  • What did Redditor Jesus say to Lazarus?

    I see your dead body and raise you back to life (NSFL)