Life Jokes
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Where have you been my whole life?
I said "SOBER"
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Who's Angry in Japan?
The director of Life of Pi.
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How is life at the post office going?
It's going well I guess. It has its usps and it's downs. Edited for correctness
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What is best potato?
Latvian potato is best potato. Is kind you spend whole life looking for. Also, low calories.
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What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?
Fred and George Weasley.
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What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his head in the fan?
It took ears off his life!
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Why is Kylo Ren so lonely all the time?
He's Ben Solo his whole life
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Whats a Joke with no Punchline?
Life
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Why do artists die early in life?
Too many strokes.
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Why is Kevin Hart the opposite of Michael Schumacher?
His life improved after he met the rock.
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What do you call a dinosaur that raps about life?
A philosorapper
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Why do rpg characters like potions so much?
Because they're always the life of the party!
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What did earth say to the other planet?
You guys have no life!"
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Why is it called "the circle of life"?
Because it's pointless.
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Why was the double leg amputee sentenced to life?
He had no leg to stand on.
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What begins with S, ends with X and will change your life?
Smallpox
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Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends?
Because for most of his life, he's Ben Solo.
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How did the hail stone describe it's life?
It really has a lot of ups and downs
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What's the darkest joke you know?
I've always been a fan or dark humor, so, what's the darkest joke you know. no boundaries, no getting offended. please don't downvote anyone because you find it offensive, that's life, get over it.
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Why was the Headless Horseman depressed?
He could never seem to get ahead in life.
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don't even know what I'm doing with the rest of this tweet...
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What is a french bakers lifestyle like?
Its a life of pain
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What's the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino- wife: That didn't involve a dinosaur me: Our wedding
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Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
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What's the difference between math and meth?
One of them ruins your life. The other's just meth.
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What's a life without units?
Unmeasurable.
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What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage?
The energy bill ...
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Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?
He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
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How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.
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How do we confirm life on another planet?
If you find a rare Pepe drawn the disk.
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What is life?
Where am I going & -What the hell is a "spokes" person for a bike company called
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What's the biggest joke of all time?
My life. My entire goddamned life.
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What did Earth say to the Sun?
My life revolves around you!
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Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin?
Because his life is at stake.
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Why is there no life on Mars?
No WiFi...
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Why didn't the astronauts land on the moon?
Because it was full. * (from a taffy taffy wrapper--oh my god what am I doing with my life)
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Why was the cow scared about going into the slaughter house?
His life was at stake. Badum psh.
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Why do people buy fruit already cut up?
There's only like 7 things in life easier than cutting up fruit and one of them is farting.
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Why was the Xbox 360 named as it was?
Cos when I seen one i turnt 360 degrees and walked away Playstation for life xD
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What is the value of x?
Student: She was my life.
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What's your opener?
JESUS: "God loves you." You BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
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What did Hillary say when she lost?
Putin end to my life.
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Why was the Butcher depressed?
Because his life was in shambles.
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Why's the little boy scarred for life after going to buy his mom some earrings?
He went to Jared.
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Why did the chicken cross the street?
DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOUR LIFE!**
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Whats the favored pasta dish among ISIL members?
Baked Yazidi............ I know where I'm going after this life :(
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Why did Mario lose a life?
He stubbed his MiyamoToe. ...I'll see my way out.
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What is the saddest thing in you're life?
That you clicked on this link only to correct my grammer....
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What did one nihilistic dolphin say to the other?
What is life without a porpoise?"
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How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.
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What has a bottom at its top?
My life ( ..)
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What did the Mexican student write his essay about?
Life outside of prison.
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What do you have when life gives you melons?
Dyslexia.
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How do tree surgeons live?
Life on the hedge!
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Why are Asians not optimistic?
Because they have a limited view of life.
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What do men and hardwood flooring have in common?
Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!
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Why are men afraid of the world?
They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.
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What's the meaning of life?
Why don't you google it?
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Why was the kamikaze pilot so depressed?
He felt his life was heading for a downward spiral.
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Why do we all marry?
because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!
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What does one chauvinist say to the other?
There's a thousand things I'd like to do in my life, and those are just the pretty ones!
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What did the spider say to the bee ?
Your honey or your life !
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What do you call a semiaquatic, furry little animal than never amounted to anything in it's life?
An *otter* failure (I'll see myself out)
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What is the one riddle that everyone gives up?
The riddle of life!
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What do you call someone who isn't a redhead but colors there hair red later in life?
A trans-ginger
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What's the best way to be on Instagram and in life?
Selfless
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What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?
Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.
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How do you describe the life of a redditor?
removed
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What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare?
They're practically non existent.
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What do quantum physicists do when life gives them lemons?
Everything
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What do you tell a woman who wants a larger outlook on life?
Tell her to stand next to the kitchen window
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Why is Facebook such a hit?
It works on the principle that People are more interested in others life than their own'.
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What elements make up life?
Lithium and Iron
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Why are hipsters the oldest known form of life?
They were on the Earth before it was cool.
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Why was the dolphin sad?
Because it had no porpoise in life.
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What's life like with alchohol?
Depressing. What's life like without alchohol? Depressing. I need friends.
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Whats the difference between a baby and a feminist?
At some point in its life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.
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What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
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What's the difference between having a job and being a homeless drug addict?
One takes over your life and turns you into brainless zombie and the other one makes you homeless.
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Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy?
A: Because he only made a good buccaneer.
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What is the longest?
Life without parole
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Why did the calendar give up on life?
Because he felt his days were numbered.
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What's a joke?
My life...
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Who says there's no life on Mars?
Why only today they found a Beagle!
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Why will the ghost never succeed in life?
He's too eeriesponsible!!!!
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How is life as a virgin?
Its hard
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How long does it take to reach the ground from 110 stories up?
The rest of your life.
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What all girls want?
All girls want 70 things in their life 1. Shopping Rest are "69"
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Why was the animal unhappy?
He had a ruff week.. His life wasn't purrfect. His brother was a shellout. His mother's been a real crab lately. His family was really shellfish. He had no porpoise in life.
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What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
Life is like a box of chocolates...
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Why was the cab driver contemplating his life?
Because he had nothing to chauffeur.
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What should you do when life gives you melons?
Get tested for dyslexia.
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Why was the dolphin depressed?
He felt he had no porpoise in life
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How did the coprophilic marine respond when asked what the most important thing in life was?
Duty. Honor.
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What is it called when a Redditor writes about his life?
A meme-oir
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How do you know when you should get a puppy?
When life's getting a little ruff ...I'll see myself out
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When does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug?
When it gets a handle on life.
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What's a life without manitees?
A life with out porpoise.
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What has a beginning and an end, but nothing in the middle?
Life.
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What did 'b' say to his friend 'e' after 'e' saved his life?
AY E! I O U edit: added Y
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Why do the bald seem to handle life so much better than the rest?
They're always eager for more on their pate.
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What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful. 4. What is life
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How is life in North Korea?
I wrote to my North Korean pen pal "I can't complain" he wrote back.
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What's life like in North Korea?
Oh, I can't complain."
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Why do Butchers don't risk it all in life?
Because the Steaks are too high.
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How's my life?
Let's just say I'm starting a lot of sentences with "let's just say".
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How's life?
she asked. "Oh same as usual" he replied "boring."
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What did earth say to the other planets?
You guys have no life!
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What's on a gangster artist's t-shirt?
Still Life.
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How does a vampire get through life with only one fang?
He has to grin and bare it.
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Why did the marine biologist jump off a bridge?
He lost his porpoise in life.
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How long does it take to reach the ground from 100 stories up?
The rest of your life.
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What do you do if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
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How do I submit a joke?
Do I hand my life in
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What do you tell someone who feels that life has shorted them from a purpose or calling?
You belong.
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What do you call it when a helicopter pilot reflects on his life?
HINDsight
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Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life?
Myrrhder
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Who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life?
A statistician.
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How much does a Human shield cost?
One life
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What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?
An Opti-Mystic.
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Where have you been all my life?
Please go back there.
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What's life like in the year 3000?
It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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What does earth say to the other planets?
You have no life
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Why am I just so naturally funny?
Because my life is a joke. Dont worry Im not scuicidal
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How dare you complain about your life?
Someone's mom is Snooki.
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Why are most guys like floor tile?
Because if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them from the rest of your life!
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What did the CPU say to the RAM?
Sorry to cache you out but I want the data closer. The RAM replied: you're right, "life" is too short.
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What's the difference between life and wife's rant?
Life eventually ends.
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How fast are black people allowed to go on the highway?
25 to Life.
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Why did the guitarist get life in prison?
He fingered a minor.
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How are men like carpet tiles?
If you lay them properly the first time around you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
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What does a Jedi say after a tragic loss of life?
May my thoughts be with them".
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What did the dyslexic man do when life gave him lemons?
He made melon-ade
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What did the depressed, illiterate pepperoni slice say when asked where he was with his life?
Well it pizza heck out of me.
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What are you doing with your life?
I'm up."
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Why did the black man walk backwards?
I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.
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Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us?
Why do we have to do all the work
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What is life like for a wood worm ?
Boring !
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What bring a dead duck back to life?
A dead bullfrog.
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What is Mr. Corn's philosophy on life?
Life is a maze.
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What is something that can breakdance on the floor only once on their life?
A fish
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What did the cheese maker say to his son after he dropped the cheese?
That's no whey to go through life, son.
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What did Redditor Jesus say to Lazarus?
I see your dead body and raise you back to life (NSFL)