Live Jokes

  • Where does Iron Man live?

    Iron know.

  • What kind of street to ghosts, goblins and ghouls live on?

    A Dead End.

  • Why do procrastinators live the longest?

    Because they die at the last second.

  • What do you call someone that lives next a horse?

    Their neighbor

  • What do maggots and Alabama fans have in common?

    They can both live off a dead bear for years.

  • What's the best part about living in a black family?

    You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost

  • What do you call a man who loses pounds for a living?

    A bad gambler

  • Where does Eskimo-Senpai live?

    In the tsundra.

  • How do you say hello to a femnist?

    You don't. To do so would violate her wish to not be part of the society she lives in.

  • What lives in apples and is an avid reader?

    A bookworm !

  • What's something that's true, real and lives in the dirty south?

    A Trillbilly!

  • Why is Patrick so dumb?

    He's living under a rock.

  • Why does Mona Lisa smiling?

    The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

  • Where does Dracula live?

    Monte Cristo

  • What is yellow and lives off beetles?

    Yoko Ono

  • Which street does the police officer live in?

    Let's be Avenue

  • What do you call a money lender who lives in the ocean?

    A loan shark!

  • How many isolationists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    None, they prefer to live in the dark.

  • Where do homeless accountants live?

    In a tax shelter. Blame GROCO PCA

  • Why are the people of Saudi Arabia always behind the times?

    Because they live under Iraq.

  • What's the best part of living in Alabama?

    You don't live in Mississippi.

  • What is slimy and wobbly tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas?

    A red jellyfish.

  • Why is it illegal for a person living in Virginia to be buried in Texas?

    because they're still alive.

  • What do you call the horse that lives next door?

    Your NEIGHHHbor Credit: 6y/o nephew

  • What does a horny man living in Northern Russia need?

    He needs two jacket.

  • Why do single men live longer than married men?

    Because they want to.

  • Where did the Candian pirate live?


  • Why don't hipsters live in Alaska?

    Everything is cool there already.

  • What do you call a group of 10 insects that live in a housing complex?


  • How do you make a living?

    FRANKENSTEIN: make a living what

  • What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives?

    A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!

  • What's white and fuzzy and lives high up in the trees?

    A Meringue - a - tan.

  • What kind of elephants live in Antartica ?

    Cold ones !

  • How can you tell you live in an Asian part of town?

    All the Mexicans have car insurance.

  • What famous American filmmaker lived in a safe?

    Vault Disney

  • What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay?

    I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.

  • What do you call a canine that lives at the beach?

    A hot dog.

  • Why do women make bad engineers?

    Their whole lives they have been told 5 inches is 8

  • What does a Muslim man call a girl he is living in sin with?

    Haram bea

  • Why are the nordic countries the best countries to live in?

    Their flags are big plusses.

  • Who made this Christmas pudding?

    Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it Elf-raising flour of course.

  • How many cross-dressers live near Manchester?

    Well, nearly 320,000 people round there have a Wigan address.

  • Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

    Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

  • Why do blacks make good athletes?

    They spent the first nine months of their lives dodging hangers.

  • Why don't fairies live under toadstools?

    Because there's not mushroom!

  • What did the penguin say to the polar bear?

    Nothing, penguins live in the south pole and polar bears live in the north pole. TROLOLOLOL

  • What is the least pleasant state to live in?


  • Which is the oldest animal?

    Zebra. Coz they are still living in black and white.

  • What's the difference between a masochist and a blogger?

    There's none, both live for the hits.

  • What does a taxidermist do for a living?

    Oh you know... stuff...

  • How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

    Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

  • What's a Chinese fisherman's least favorite part of living in Hollywood?

    Pilot season

  • Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?

    Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise Oh, right, *of course* !"

  • Where do poor Italians live?

    A spaghetto.

  • Where do poor people live in Italy?

    In the spaghetto

  • Why is it illegal for a man living in North Carolina to be buried in South Carolina?

    Because he's alive.

  • Where do noobs live in Iceland?


  • Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

    I don't know I have DirecTV.

  • What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre?

    Ping Lo.

  • What lives in the ocean is grouchy and hates neighbours ?

    A hermit crab !

  • Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden?

    Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we all lived twice

  • What happened when the two angels got married?

    They lived harpily ever after!

  • What is a dog's favorite thing about living in a house?


  • What do you call someone from Olomouc who's living on the dole?

    A welfare Czech.

  • What kind of environment do hobbits live in?

    A hobbitat

  • Where does the zombie president live?

    In the wight house.

  • What can a yakuza do for living when he doesn't want to hurt people?

    tattoo master

  • What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

    They lived hoppily ever after!

  • Why do women live on average two years longer?

    Because the time they spend parking doesnt count.

  • What do you call Mexicans living in the USA?

    Illegal aliens. LOL

  • Why is Santa always jolly?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

  • Why is it so expensive to live in Ireland?

    Cause they keep *Dublin* the taxes.

  • Why do elephants live in the jungle?

    Because it's out of the high rent district.

  • What did the Goat living in Manama say when it starting raining?


  • What's the worst thing about living with Alzheimer's?

    I forgot

  • Where do Pandas live?

    On the road to Extinction.

  • What state do most people live in?

    Denial. Myself included.

  • Why is Santa Clause always so Jolly?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

  • Why are birthdays good for you?

    Statistics show: those who have the most, live the longest.

  • What's the difference between a burlap sack and my nutsack?

    The babies in my nutsack are still living.

  • Why did the man quit working at the cemetery?

    It was hard to make a living.

  • How's it like living in a totalitarian regime?

    Can't complain.

  • Why is Santa Claus always so happy?

    He knows where all the bad girls live

  • What song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work?

    Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go!

  • What do call a horse that lives near you?

    A neighbor (naybor for pessimist horses)

  • Why weren't you at work last week?

    Me: Why are you living in the past

  • What will people say when Prince Charles dies?

    Long live the Queen.

  • What's up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts?

    I don't even wanna talk to the living.

  • Why doesn't Aaron want to get out of the water, even though he is hydrophobic?

    Because he enjoys living in denial.

  • What do you call a two dentists that live on opposite sides of the world?

    Molar opposites.

  • What did the really ugly man do for a living ?

    He posed for Halloween masks !

  • Where does poor spaghetti live?

    The spaghetto

  • Why are birthday's good for you?

    Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!

  • What did Bruce Willis say to motivate his son?

    Son, if at first you don't succeed, Try Hard. If that doesn't work, Try Hard 2. If that still doesn't work, Try Hard with a Vengeance. Remember, you can't pick between the choice to Live Free or Try Hard. They go together. Everyday's A Good Day to Try Hard."

  • Who lives in the green house?

    Me: I don't know Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house? Me: The red guy Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house? Me: The blue guy Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house? Me: The yellow guy Her: Who lives in the white house? Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out: The black guy!!

  • Whats black and isn't working?

    Black lives matter.

  • What did Neo say when Morpheus said: "You've been living in a dreamworld Neo"?

    I noe

  • Why are women bad at parking?

    Because they've been lied to all their lives about how long "8" inches is.

  • How do you get rid of somebody?

    Give them a ticket for a flight on Malaysian Airlines and hope that they will live up to their reputation!

  • What's the best part about living in Flint, Michigan?

    Leaded gasoline is pretty cheep!

  • What do you call an actor who has given up civilized life and gone to live in the wilderness?

    Will Feral. Edit: I tried

  • What do u call a Mexican who survives a shootout and lives to tell the tale?

    The Juan who lived.

  • What's upside down and downside up at the same time ?

    A kid with cerebral palsy living in Australia

  • Why is Santa always so jolly?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.

  • Where do all them scrub gamers live?


  • Why is santa always so happy?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

  • Why doesn't Dwayne Johnson's downstairs neighbor understand references to current events?

    He's been living under The Rock.

  • Where do poor noodles live?

    In the spaghetto

  • What's common between Canadians and Belgians?

    They're mostly really nice people, but they have the French living there too.

  • Why are Saudi Arabians so clueless?

    They're all living under Iraq

  • Why do Stasi officers make such good taxi drivers?

    You get in the car and they already know your name and where you live.

  • Why does Sia live in a low-rent apartment?

    She loves cheap bills

  • What do black Eskimos live in?

    A nigloo.

  • Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?

    He couldn't stand all the racket!

  • Who lives there?

    The yellow man lives in the yellow house. The purple man lives in the purple house. The red man in the red house. And the blue man in the blue house. So who lives in the White House? The black man. It's better in person, I'm so sorry.

  • Where does Crazy Horse live?

    In an unstable.

  • How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living?

    By appearing in television spooktaculars.

  • Why do seagulls live by the sea?

    If they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.

  • What country do I live?


  • What kind of house does a stoned loaf of bread live in?

    A high rise

  • Why are fish so smart?

    Because they live in schools!

  • Where do cows like to live?

    St. Moo-is.

  • What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?

    A Fermilabrador Retriever.

  • What kind of house does Fonzie live in?

    An "A" frame...

  • Why is Santa so jolly?

    Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Happy Holidays Fun!

  • Where do the cleverest parrots live?

    In the brain tree forests!

  • Why were some people living in the 80s so healthy?

    Because they had good high jeans

  • How's my dad?

    Dr:I'm afraid he's in critical condition *shout from inside room "You've never lived to up to your potential!"

  • What do you call a smiley face if someone uses it that lives in an igloo?

    An Eskimoji

  • What lives in gum trees ?

    Stick insects !

  • What are two letters a Brit can't live without?

    T and Qs.

  • What lives in the sea and preys on mermaids?

    Jack The Kipper.

  • Whatcha watching?

    Me: Tiny Houses. 9: Wow it's tiny! Who's gonna live there Me: Two people. 9: Are they married Me: Not for long.

  • What is the difference between a portuguese woman and a sea lion ?

    One of them has shiny bodyhair and smells like cod, the other one is a mammal that lives in the sea.

  • What makes me want to lose the will to live?


  • What do a mole and an eagle have in common?

    They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

  • Why is the vice president always so self-obsessed?

    Because he lives at the navel observatory

  • What is a Budget?

    A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.

  • Why are muslim people so kind-hearted?

    Because they don't live long, especially when they're a bomb

  • What did the Olive say when it fell off the table?

    I'll live...

  • What reads and lives in an apple ?

    A bookworm !

  • What lives on a farm and says moo?

    a bilingual chicken

  • What did Patrick Stewart say when he was given a tortoise for his birthday?

    Please, take it back. I don't like getting attached to animals. Especially when they only live 100 years.

  • How difficult is it to live with erectile dysfunction?

    It turns out, it's not very hard at all

  • What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek?

    Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like.

  • What did the natives say when they discovered a Yeti living amongst them in their village?


  • Why are women so bad at parking?

    Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

  • Why do seagulls live by the Sea..?

    Because if they lived by the Bay, they would be bagels! Honestly this cracked me up when I first heard it.

  • Where does a beaver priest live?

    In a God Dam House!

  • What do you call the horse than lives next door?

    A neighbour!

  • What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

    A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

  • Where in New York City do lesbians most like to live?


  • What do you do for a living?

    The engineer replies " I make chips" "Oh yummy!"

  • What would romantic living dead movie be called?


  • What does Kevin 11 have that Peter Parker doesn't?

    A living Ben and Gwen.

  • How do tree surgeons live?

    Life on the hedge!

  • What does a Native American Biologist live in?


  • What does your mother do for a living?

    She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."

  • Whoa. There are books on TAPE?

    Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

  • What do you call a bee that lives in America?


  • Where do the stinky penguins live?


  • What do you call an emotionally unstable animal who lives in alaska and vacations in antarctica?


  • What do you call the neighborhood where all the poor Italians live?

    The spaghetto.

  • What has more lives than a cat?

    A frog -- it croaks every night.

  • Why do birds live in nests?

    Because they can't afford houses in this economy.

  • What do you call a pair of twins who live together?


  • Where do cats go once they have used up all nine of their lives?


  • Why did the hamster die?

    He just didn't have the wheel to live.

  • What's the best part of Christmas for Santa Clause?

    He knows where all the naughty girls live #*( )*

  • What's the best thing about living with alzheimer's?

    You get to meet new people everyday.

  • What does Bob the spider do for a living?

    He's a web developer.

  • Why does Bono never get any mail?

    He lives on a street with no name.

  • What kind of house does cheese like to live in?

    A cottage"

  • Where do literal dogs live?

    On the roof.

  • How an Illuminati living in the arctic is called?

    An Igloominati

  • What do you call your Mexican friend living in Oklahoma?

    Your Oklahomie.

  • Why do women live longer than men?

    Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

  • Why is it called a living room?

    Don't we live in every room

  • Why is Luis Suarez a c*nt?

    Because he lives in Liverpool.

  • Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long?

    Because old Hobbits die hard...

  • What's another name for a supernova?

    A POPstar. HAHAHAHA. Living is pain. Unbearable. End me.

  • Why are firetrucks red?

    You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always russian around.

  • Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

    He knows where all the naughty girls live. I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

  • Where do werewolves live?

    In werehouses.

  • What do you call an Irish man who lives in your back garden?

    Patti O'Furniture

  • Why do babies cry when they're born?

    Because it's the most painful day in their lives

  • Where do all the bad hamburger buns live?

    In the seedy part of town

  • Why is Santa always happy?

    Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)

  • Where do good bees live?

    A bee-have

  • Why don't any pirates live in Kansas?

    Because they all live in kansas.

  • What animal has more lives than a cat?

    A frog. It croaks every night.

  • What city does Affirmative Action Aslan live?


  • What do T-Rex's do for a living?

    They're small arms dealers.

  • What TV personality lives in your phone?

    SIM Card-ashian! (it might help if you say it out loud)

  • Who's there ! Cam ! Cam who ?

    Camalot is where King Arthur lived !

  • Where does a Turkey live?

    A coup.

  • What did the doctor say to the cancer patient?

    You have tumor months to live.

  • Where do the Russian separatists go to complain about their lives?

    Crimea River

  • Why people don't use #YOLO anymore?

    Because they lived once

  • Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet ?

    It lives on ice !

  • What do you call a clock tower somebody lives in?

    A timely manor.

  • Where do toilets live?

    Porcel Lane.

  • How long does an owl live?

    About six and a half books.

  • Why does Torque live on campus?

    Because cross products don't commute!

  • Why are pizza makers always poor?

    Because they knead dough to make a living.

  • How many people live in the lower part of Italy?

    There are literally Sicilians.

  • How many Global Warming nutjobs does it take to change a light bulb?

    None, they don't use light bulbs. They live in caves and use no forms of artificial energy because they wouldn't want to be perceived as hypocrites or morons.

  • How would it be living in an only men city?

    I think it would be tight at first, but then it would loosen up after a while.

  • What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in?

    A roundhouse.

  • Where did the engine go after he retired?

    To live in a motor home

  • Why can't you find pirates in Kansas?

    They all live in Arkansas

  • Where do singing seahorses live?

    In a choral coral corral

  • Why shouldn't young people move to Egypt?

    Because only an old GIZA would live there!

  • Where do impoverished Italians live?

    In the spaghetto

  • What's the difference between a frog and a cat?

    A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

  • What's the absolute worst city to live in?

    An atroCITY.

  • What do Jesus and a nerd have in common?

    Both are long-haired, live at their parents' till their 30's, and if they'll do anything, it is considered a miracle.

  • What do you call a crazy bug that lives in space?

    A lunar-tick

  • Who lives in the white house?

    the black man

  • What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?

    A lost clause.

  • What do you call a Sith Lord who lives in the woods?

    Darth Deciduous

  • What do you call Abby who lives in the city?

    Downtown Abby

  • Where do the happy people of Baltimore live?

    In a merry land.

  • What do you call a man with no will to live?


  • Where does a two dimensional man live?

    A flat.

  • What's black and red, flashes like hell and annoys men?

    Live Jasmine

  • Who earns a living driving their customers away?

    A taxi driver

  • What street in France do reindeer live on?

    Rue Dolph

  • What part of the house does a ghost not use?

    The living room

  • How long do owls live?

    Six and a half books.

  • What animal lives on the farm and says "moo"?

    A bilingual chicken

  • What do you call a hillbilly giraffe that lives in a trailer and drinks beer all day?

    A rednnnnnneeeeeeeccccccccckkkkkk.

  • What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?

    Well, the flag is a big plus.

  • Why is it really hard to convince Egyptians?

    Because they all live in de-nile...

  • What do you call an eye doctor living on an island in Alaska?

    An optical Aleutian.

  • Why are Saudis so behind on current events?

    Because they live under Iraq.

  • What's the bad news?

    Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

  • Where does sans live?

    Sans francisco

  • What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland ?

    The Loch Ness Elephant !

  • Who wears robes, cuts off people's hands, and lives in the desert?

    Obi-Wan Kenobi.

  • Why are people so sad in Ferguson?

    Because they live in misery

  • How many people live in South America?

    A Brazilian.

  • Why did the cannibal live on his own?

    He was fed up with other people.

  • How do people with Mesothelioma live their lives?

    Asbestos they can.

  • Why doesn't Mexico live up to it's full potential in the Olympics?

    Because all the Mexicans that can run, jump, and swim are in America.

  • Why couldn't the philosopher make a living?

    He made no sense. I tried, I really did.

  • Where live the knights of the round bed?

    They live in Cameltoe.

  • What do you call a singing goat that lives by the sea?

    Billy Ocean

  • What's your favorite adult-themed Halloween joke?

    My favorite is: "There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep. He gives me the willies."

  • Who lives in a hut with a couple pieces of trash and two grains of rice?

    An Ethiopian person who has been hoarding for several years now.

  • What type of doctor prescribes Coke and 7-up for a living?

    A Poptometrist!

  • What do you call Squidward when he gives DNA results for a living?

    You call 'im Maury. :)

  • Why don't married men live as long as single men?

    They don't want to!

  • Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?

    Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly. "Oh damn, shots fired!" But not by the pizza guy.

  • Why do Zelda and Link smoke weed?

    Because they live in the kingdom where the hyrule.

  • Where do space monsters live?

    In far distant terror-tory.

  • What do you call it when a hobbit lives in the ghetto?


  • What do you call a bee that lives in America?

    A USB.

  • Why did the orange move to veggieland?

    So he could live in peas and hominy.

  • What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

    A sandwich.

  • Where do midget terrorists live?


  • What's the difference between people on Reddit and dead people?

    Dead people had lives.

  • Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

    He knows where all the naughty girls live.

  • What do you call a horse that lives next to you?

    A Neigh-bor. Sorry for my horrible dad joke.

  • Whoa what do you do for a living?

    I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!" *roundhouse kicks barista*

  • What kind of Ant lives in rented accommodation?


  • What type of cheese lives under your bed?


  • What lives in the sea and yells?

    A: A clam shouter.

  • Where do Chinese people live?


  • What do an eagle and a mole have in common?

    They both live underground, **except for the eagle.**

  • How do Dolphins live their lives?

    With a porpoise.

  • What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?

    A: A gorilla with a machine gun.

  • What do Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono?

    They both live off dead beetles

  • What lives in a tree and is dangerous?

    A crow with a machine gun.

  • What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other?

    I didn't know we lived on the same block.

  • Why do they call a bird that lives by the sea, a seagul?

    Because if it lived by the bay, it would be called a Bagel.

  • What's the difference between watts and ohms?

    Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

  • Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

    Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

  • What do you call a bird that lives underground ?

    A mynah bird !

  • What do you call a Mexican that lives on a hill?


  • What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

    Well, the flag's a big plus

  • What do you call the area where a horse lives?

    The NEIGHHHHHHborhood

  • Why do people live soda?

    Because it's sodalicious.

  • What do Michael Jackson and Jimmy Savile have in common?

    they touched some many lives

  • What's a VCR?

    My 10yo instantly making me feel like the oldest person who has ever lived. I need calcium chews for my brittle bones.

  • How'd you die?

    I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You " "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."

  • Why is Santa such a jolly old elf?

    He knows where the naughty girls live.

  • Why would I want to quit smoking?

    Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer

  • What do you call a an Egyptian crocodile who swears they live in Florida?

    In da-Nile

  • What's the difference between a Transformer robot and a Transgender person?

    One is living in a spaceship and one is living a lie.

  • What's the only positive from living in the ghetto?

    Pregnancy tests

  • What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face?

    A mousetache.

  • Who, me?

    Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.

  • Why do old people prefer to live in one story houses?

    There close to the ground.

  • Which alligator lives in the arctic?

    The refridgegator.

  • How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

    Dad: yea sure yells up to me son, you live with this guy now!

  • Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?

    Yoko Ono.

  • Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?

    Because it is below C level.

  • Where do clowns live?

    In a Clown Hall.

  • What's worse than a dead lawyer?

    A living one.