Look Jokes

  • How did the urologist ruin his Christmas?

    OC He looked inside Santa's sack.

  • Why does all Turkish men have a mustache?

    because they wanna look like their mother.

  • Why US didn't attack India, after twin-tower incident, looking for terrorists ?

    Because it didn't happen in 7/11

  • Why did the storm trooper return his iPhone?

    Because it wasn't the droid he was looking for!

  • Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep?

    ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole.

  • Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?

    The can't handle stares.

  • Why was the deaf man sighing and shaking his head in disgust when he looked over at his next door neighbour?

    Because she was *airing her dirty laundry*!!!

  • What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror?

    A narcissistick.

  • Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush?

    She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.

  • Why did the rooster get 20 years in prison?

    He got caught on the internet, looking up chicks.

  • How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party?

    Look for his footprints in the ice cream.

  • What is best potato?

    Latvian potato is best potato. Is kind you spend whole life looking for. Also, low calories.

  • How can you tell if a Redditor is an extrovert?

    During any conversation he's looking at YOUR shoes.

  • What's red and orange and looks good on hipsters?


  • How old do I look?

    9yo: 30 Aww, you deserve ice crea- 9yo: Just like grandma -m but too bad you're not getting any

  • Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

    Nobody will look for them.

  • Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?

    Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.

  • How does every racist joke start?

    looks over both shoulders....

  • Why did Tigger look in the toilet?

    He was looking for Pooh.

  • Why should we hire you?

    Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

  • What have I got in my hands?

    A double decker bus! You looked!

  • Why do marble statues look so mean?

    A: They have hearts of stone.

  • What is the similarity between tight rope walking and an old lady giving you head?

    You don't want to look down.

  • Why couldn't Princess Leia find love?

    She was looking in Alderaan places.

  • What's the difference between my erection and my motorcycle?

    My wife actually looks forward to riding the motorcycle.

  • What does an Alzheimer's patient say whenever they browse /r/funny?

    Hey, this looks new!"

  • Why doesn't my hairline look good?

    Barber: It's on the same old head.

  • Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry?

    I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

  • How does a blond cross the road?

    A brunette is on a busy street across from a department store she needs to visit, and is looking for an intersection to cross over when she spots a blonde walking out of the store. The brunette waves and calls out over the traffic noise, "hey there! How do I get to the other side?" The blonde looks confused and calls back, "you ARE on the other side!"

  • Why do walruses go to tupperware parties?

    They are always looking for a tight seal.

  • Why don't I like trees?

    They look kinda shady to me

  • Why do women aged 40+ not play hide and seek?

    cause nobody would be looking for them.

  • Why do you always see beggars at protests?

    They're always looking for some sort of change!

  • Why is a horny walrus the same as a Tupperware enthusiast?

    They're both looking for a tight seal

  • What was the Walrus doing in the Tupperware store?

    Looking for the tight seal

  • What's the difference between a 6 year old and a 16 year old?

    Which hole they stick their finger in when no-one's looking.

  • What is it good for?

    Some people say "nothing", but my stock portfolio's looking promising.

  • How can you tell what clan a Scottish man is from?

    Look under his kilt and if he has a quarter pounder then he is a McDonald.

  • What do you call someone who claims to do drugs to try to look cool?

    A marajuannabe.

  • What do numbers look like when they get divorced?


  • What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways?

    He died on the cross!

  • What do you call a microscope that when you look through it you see really bad things?

    A horoscope.

  • How can you tell when an accountant is extroverted?

    He looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

  • How do babies get out of bellies?

    ME: "Look! Ice cream!" *5 min later* 3YO COVERED IN ICE CREAM: "How do babies get out of be---"

  • What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

    A Doberman.

  • Why, don't you look nice!?

    I said, "Thanks." "It wasn't a compliment." she added.

  • What did the Maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looking maple tree?

    I'd tap that."

  • Why does an elephant have 4 Feet?

    Because it would look ridiculous with 8 inches.

  • When I look up at the majesty of all them stars it really gets me to thinkin, when we gonna get that ding dong roof patched up!?

    Ah horse apples!

  • How do you get herpes viral infection of the eye?

    Looking for love in all the wrong places.

  • Why does an elephant have four feet?

    Because he'd look pretty silly with four inches.

  • How can the eurologist tell if he is looking at a man or woman?

    Well, there is a vast difference.

  • What did one triangle say to the other triangle about the square?

    Look out for that guy, he's got another side to him.

  • What do you call a virus named Enza that causes the flu?

    a flu Enza. Thanks a lot everyone, I looked forward to this day for a long time.

  • Why was Jon Snow looking for an iWatch charger?

    Because now his watch has ended.

  • How can you tell an introverted Techie from an extroverted Techie?

    An extroverted Techie looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

  • What the hell are you doing here in my white and gold dress?

    No honey, it s not what it looks like."

  • How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

    A: Look for only $87 billion we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.

  • What do you say to change the atmosphere at a dinner party?

    If were all here, who's looking after Madeline?"

  • Why do Irishmen grow mustaches?

    So they look like their mothers

  • Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?

    He was looking for Pooh.

  • How do you spot a sumo at a feminist rally?

    Look for the one with shaved legs....

  • What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-Spot?

    A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.

  • What's red and looks like a bucket?

    A: A red bucket.

  • Where could you look up Joan of Arc's profile?

    On Tinder.

  • What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

    Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

  • How does every ethnic joke start?

    By looking over your shoulder.

  • How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?

    A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

  • Why do strippers look better in the club than outside the club?

    Black lights matter.

  • Why can't we feed the animals?

    Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*

  • What do you call a good looking Lebanese man?


  • What's the difference between an extroverted mathematician and an introverted mathematician?

    The extroverted mathematician looks at YOUR shoes when he's speaking to you.

  • Why does Mom wear makeup?

    Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

  • What did the bobby (English policeman) say to the hitchhiker with three heads, no arms and one leg?

    Ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, 'op in."

  • How do old people check up to see how their friends are doing?

    They look in the obituary

  • What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

    A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous... A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

  • What did the scientist see when he looked up his family tree?

    A gorilla pooped on his face.

  • What's the word for interested in something, but not enough to look it up on Wikipedia?


  • Which 20th century President's wife looked like she could have been LGBT?

    Eleanor Brucevelt.

  • Why "hooters"?

    Who decided breasts looked like owls They were wrong.

  • Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning?

    Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

  • How can you double your money?

    Look at it in a mirror.

  • How did she tell them apart?

    She looked at their last names...

  • Whatcha doing on the PC?

    Daughter: Looking at peckers. M: WHAT ! D: Science project on chickens. M: Oh. D: You walked RIGHT into that.

  • How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

    Other lawyers look interested.

  • Why are Werewolves such pessimists?

    They refuse to look at the silver lining.

  • Why did the dolphin go to church?

    He was looking for a porpoise. (thought this one up but I doubt I was the first one that did.)

  • Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?

    Me: So I look less tired. 3: Why are you tired Me: Because I'm a mom. 3: Why are you a mom Me: 3:

  • Who's a good girl?

    WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

  • Whatya doin?

    Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST

  • What do you call orange juice that looks like apple juice, but tastes like orange juice?

    Juice Jenner. I'll be here all week

  • Where is your unicorn?

    Me: I don't have a unicorn. A: You better get naked and go into that Arby's and look for it anyway. M: Ok.

  • What do you call it when you are looking for your Subaru Forrester in a parking garage?

    Finding Forrester

  • Why is it so difficult for women to find a man who is sensitive, caring, and good looking?

    All of those guys already have boyfriends.

  • Why should you pay scientists with $50 bills?

    They're always looking for Grant money.

  • How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm ?

    it has a blue light !

  • How do I look?

    I just came back from the beauty salon.... Husband - Well. Was it closed

  • What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?

    I said, "It's not what it looks like!"

  • What's the difference between up and down?

    It all depends on how you look at it

  • Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

    Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

  • What did the Mancunian abortion doctor say to the fetus?

    Don't look back in hanger"

  • How do you react when looking in the mirror?

    You cry because you shoved a cactus up your peckar.

  • What did the other traffic light say to the other traffic light?

    Don't look! I'm changing!

  • Where are the humans?

    We left them" AL: Why "They didn't look anything like their selfies in rl"

  • What kind of bird is that?

    Just look at that bird!

  • What do I look like?

    A typewriter "

  • What does Han Solo see looking into the mirror?

    Han Double

  • How does every black guy joke start?

    By looking over your shoulder!

  • Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?

    Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you. Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.

  • How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?

    None if nobody's looking.

  • What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva?

    Looking for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.

  • How are black people and apples similar?

    They both look good hanging from trees

  • What's it called when you look in the mirror and say "jesus christ I look good"?

    Using the lords name in vanity

  • Why did the black guy wear a suit and tie to his vasectomy?

    Well, if I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna look impotent."

  • What does a baby mouse say to its mother after seeing a bat?

    Look mom, an angel!

  • Why do they say all minorities look the same?

    Because once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamaul.

  • Where do you look for blonde's obituaries?

    A: Under "Home Improvements."

  • Why does the Empire use Apple?

    Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for

  • How did he get from Afghanistan to Iraq?

    Iran (He ran). Thought of this when looking at the world map, sorry that it's terrible.

  • When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?

    Not yet," she replied

  • Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

    Because from a distance, they looked like hare.

  • Why don't they have phone books in China?

    Because everyone uses the Internet to look up phone numbers or people don't have landlines anymore and cell phone numbers aren't listed in the phone book. Also people use social media to communicate and connect with people.

  • What did Tarzan say when he saw a heard of elephants?

    Oh look! A heard of elephants.

  • How's my hair?

    My clothes How do I look (knock, knock) He's here!!!! I'm so excited! *My pizza delivery guy.

  • Why are Astronauts seen as condescending?

    Because all they do is look down at people.

  • How does Rhianna look after a date with Chris Brown?

    White and gold.

  • What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

    What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common? .. They both like a tight seal *What looks like a lemon and shaped like a rock? .. A lemon shaped rock *What is brown and sticky? ..A brown stick

  • Why doesn't Bono like Google?

    He still hasn't found what he's looking for.

  • What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded?

    What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded? Looks like we have debris all over the place

  • What did the NSA agent say when the blizzard hit?

    What did the NSA agent say when the blizzard hit? Looks like we're snowed in.

  • Why does the Pope shower with his briefs on?

    He doesn't like to look down on the unemployed.

  • Why does a white guy go to a brothel?

    For pleasure. Why does a black guy go to a brothel He's looking for his mother.

  • Why do Italian men grow moustaches?

    They want to look like their mothers.

  • What do elephants say as a compliment ?

    You look elephantastic !

  • Why does the Pope keep his underwear on while bathing?

    Because he doesn't like looking down on the unemployed. First to ever post this joke here, yay!

  • Why does a farmer look out of his window in the morning?

    A: Because he can't see through the wall.

  • Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?

    They looked both ways before they crossed.

  • Where is the lost city of Atlantis?

    Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet.

  • What's the difference between an introverted physicist and an extroverted physicist?

    An extroverted physicist looks at shoes when they're talking to you.

  • How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    It takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three others to watch and say, "Really dude, you look huge!"

  • Why gypsies boys let their mustache to grow?

    To look more like their mom.

  • What are the similarities between a donkey and a Sikh?

    They both look incredibly cute when they are little. They both grow up and go into the transportation business. Note: sikhs - or sardarji as they are commonly known in india - are the largest ethnic group in the truck driver profession. Punjabi food is available on highways across the country.

  • Why did the snail draw an "S" on the side of his car?

    So that when he drove by people could say, "Look at that escargot!"

  • What's the difference between the G-Spot and Jack Daniels?

    I'll actually look for the Jack Daniels.

  • What do you call a nice looking WWII german solider?

    A Neo Hotzi

  • What did one sheep say to the other?

    Hey look, we have the same IPhone case

  • What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend?

    I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain.

  • What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?

    Look, no hands!

  • What did the neckbeard say when he looked in the mirror?


  • How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician?

    An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.

  • Why don't orphans play hide and seek?

    Because no one will look for them.

  • What products do you use for grooming?

    she asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, "Facebook"

  • How hard is it to find cigarettes?

    Because my dad has been gone for 13 years looking for them.

  • What's with Jane ?

    It doesn't look good" "Yeah, I know, I'm asking about her health"

  • Why are you wearing a tuxedo?

    The man responds "If I'm going to be im-po-tant, I want to look im-po-tant!"

  • Why are DJ's called 'radio personalities' ?

    Because if they had the looks they'd be on TV.

  • How did you find the steak, sir?

    The man looks at her and says "I just moved the potatoes."

  • What does it mean if you look down and see four balls instead of two?

    Careful, you might be getting screwed.

  • What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce?

    Chicken sees a salad.

  • What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?

    Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj. Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name

  • What did the stop light say to the car?

    Don't look I am changing

  • Why do proctologists like Facebook?

    It's another chance to look up old friends.

  • What does Andre 3000's menorah look like on the last day of Hanukkah?


  • What would a diatomic Calcium molecule look like if existed?

    Like Crap or Feces (its the same) WHY Because its Ca=Ca (equal sign is a double bond)

  • What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?

    Look ma, no hands!

  • What does a pencil have in common with marijuana?

    If it doesn't make you look smart, it's blunt.

  • Why do pencils shave?

    To look sharp. Credit: 3rd grade me.

  • Why were all the girls looking at the piece of paper?

    Because it was ripped.

  • Why can't a soldier look wistfully across the horizon?

    Because there are no gaze in the military

  • What do you call a good looking canyon?


  • Why did the hovering guitarist always look worried?

    He was always fretting over something or other...

  • How many times can look at the sun with a telescope?

    You can do this twice. One time with you right eye and one with your left!

  • How does every black joke start?

    By looking over your shoulder!

  • Why do you look surprised in all your selfies?

    Didn't you know you were taking the picture

  • What are a redneck's last words?

    Hey, guys, look what I can do!"

  • What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?

    Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)

  • Why is that Bono still hasn't found what he's looking for?

    Because he's always standing by The Edge.

  • Why was Piglet in the bathroom?

    He was looking for Pooh.

  • What did one stoplight say to the other stoplight?

    Don't look! I'm changing!

  • What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

    Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."

  • How do you know a North Korean robbed your house?

    All your printer paper is gone and when you look at the printer history it's all Kim Jong-un.

  • What looks like red paint but is dry?

    Dried red paint

  • Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan?

    Because there are already too many targets. (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)

  • What did the policeman say when he was told about the large pothole?

    I'll look into it."

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    Look for fresh prints.

  • What did the Invisible Man's mom say after he came out as invisible?

    I can't even look at you anymore!"

  • What's the best part about showering with an eight year old girl?

    Slicking her hair back and making her look like a six year old boy.

  • What is the worst thing you want to hear from a doctor giving you a prostate exam?

    Look ma, no hands!"

  • What do black people and apples have in common?

    They both look better hanging.

  • How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?

    They look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.

  • Why was a missile looking for a job?

    Because it got fired!

  • What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster showed up for the ball?

    You look quite put-together this evening.

  • How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?

    When there's a tampon behind her ear and she's looking for her pencil.

  • How awful do I look?

    Him: You always look beautiful. Me: Do I need to put makeup on Him: Maybe just a... *stare* Him: No.

  • How does a man see things from woman's point of view?

    By looking out the kitchen window.

  • What does the Pillsbury Doughboy see when he looks down?

    His Doughnuts.

  • Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?

    A: Heredity.

  • What ringtone have you got?

    Murphy asked Paddy, "What ringtone have you got " Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown

  • What's his last name?

    Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

  • Why Latvian man did cross road?

    Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.

  • How do you make a blind man mad?

    Awwwwwww. Look at them pretty flowers.

  • What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother?

    Look, Ma! No hands!

  • What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common?

    A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.

  • How did Watson and crick blow their chance with a hot girl?

    They said, "baby you'd look good if you got a pair of skinny genes"

  • What does an invisible watermelon look like?

    Like that.

  • What did tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in the distance?

    Look, a herd of elephants in the distance!"

  • How was the Redditor with only one karma upvote able to look like he had five karma upvotes?

    He was a karma-karma-karma-karma, karma chameleon!

  • Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?

    She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.

  • What's it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that's made in America?


  • What does the farmer, looking for his tractor, say?

    Where is my tractor?

  • How did Jennifer Aniston find her fiancee?

    She looked very Theroux-ly.

  • Why can't Jesus play Football?

    He has flashbacks every time he looks at the goal

  • What is the worst type of doctor you can be?

    gynecologist - because in the hole that the whole world is looking for pleasure, he's looking for problems.

  • Why did the black guy wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?

    If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.

  • Who does he look like?

    I'm like, 'Your husband'

  • How do all racist jokes start?

    Looks over left shoulder* *Looks over right shoulder*

  • What's brown and black and looks good on a hippy?

    A rottweiller.

  • Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?

    A: So he could look like his mama.

  • What do you call 'looking for a Korean'?

    Seoul searching

  • What are you looking for buddy?

    Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose:

  • Who does the butcher look forward to seeing after a tough day at work?

    His loving knife.

  • What's the worst thing about your girlfriend having a miscarriage?

    Trying to look upset.

  • What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?

    A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

  • Why does a blonde lay on the floor while shopping?

    To look for the lowest prices.

  • Why could Luke and Leia never be together?

    They went looking for love in Alderaan places.

  • What do you call a rooster looking at a vegetable patch?

    Chicken Caesar Salad

  • Why did the chicken jump into the bag of popcorn?

    The kernel was looking for him.

  • When are they going to bring slavery back?

    I am tired of looking for a job.

  • What's really important to a bat when they are looking for a new home?

    Echo-location, location, location (Replace "bat" with "zubat" if you wish.)

  • Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his Vasectomy?

    If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.

  • What mysterious hair product does Lucifer use to keep himself looking good?


  • When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

    Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

  • What is the 100% guaranteed way to get younger looking skin?

    Believe in reincarnation.

  • What did one John say to the other John?

    What's the matter You look flushed!"

  • What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ?

    My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

  • What do you call an engineer who looks at other people's shoes when walking?


  • What do you call a robber who looks like David Beckham?

    Bandit like Beckham

  • What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?

    The look on their face while being nailed.

  • What's better: A Parachute Jump or a BJ of a 90 year old?

    doesn't matter... must not look down..

  • Why do you look out the window in the morning?

    A: Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.

  • Why was Cloud trying to cheer up Sky?

    He looked a little blue

  • Why so angry, you cute little fella?

    The penguin looks up to him and says "flight's delayed."

  • How are old jokes on reddit like a herpes outbreak?

    You know they are going to keep coming back, and despite the fact they are weaker each time, you still don't look forward to them.

  • Why was Darth Vader so upset?

    He was looking for the Rebels in Aldeerwrong places...

  • What are you looking for!?


  • What makes Stevie wonder?

    What everything looks like.

  • Why Looking So Crabby This Morning?

    I Just Found Out I Have Cancer...

  • Why did the blind man swing his seeing eye dog around by the tail?

    He was taking a look around

  • What looks like celery, tastes like celery, but isnt celery?

    Artificial celery

  • Why do cool guys never look at explosions?

    Because they die in them.

  • Why did Frankenstein's monster give up boxing?

    Because he didn't want to spoil his looks.

  • What do a racist and an apple have in common?

    They both look good hanging from a tree

  • Why can't Vader find a steady relationship?

    He keeps looking for love in Alderaan places

  • Why was everyone afraid of the everything bagel?

    Because he looked pretty seedy!

  • Why did Tigger look down the toilet?

    To find Pooh!

  • What is a Farmer's favorite pick-up line?

    Girl. You look so good that I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!

  • What's a turtle's favorite type of shoe?

    Green clog. (looks almost like a turtle shell)

  • Why did the auditor cross the road?

    Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

  • Why does your face look like a donut?

    me 30 minutes into dieting

  • Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

    Tequila, I'm looking at you.

  • What did the stoplight say to the car?

    Don't look, I'm changing!

  • Why does a dentist seem moody?

    Because he always looks down in the mouth.

  • What's the matter son?

    The boy next door said I look just like you What did you say Nothing he's bigger than me !

  • When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

    if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.

  • How do you get out?

    You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole, go through the hole.

  • How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?

    None if nobody's looking.

  • Why was tigger looking down the toilet?

    Because he was looking for Pooh!

  • When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for two?

    I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see her too ".

  • What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?


  • What do I look for in a car?

    A sound-proof cabin so I can sing every rap lyric regardless of the neighborhood I'm driving through.

  • What do you say when Kim Kardashian burns to the ground?

    Look at all that ash...

  • How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke?

    He's looking over his shoulder

  • Why Does the Pope wear Boxers?

    He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.

  • How does a Scandinavian man catcall?

    Hey, you look like someone that could show me the right bus to take."

  • Who me?

    Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting "free candy" on the side of creepy looking vans.

  • Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown?

    He was looking for Finger Prince. (Say it out loud if you don't get it.)

  • How do I look today?

    Bruno Mars: "When I see your faceeee" Girl: "Ok ok I get it."

  • What did C: drive say to D: drive?

    Wow you looked shocked.

  • Why did Batman climb the tree?

    He was looking for Robin's nest.

  • What did the customer say to the barber after looking at a facial hair catalog?

    I moustache you a question about this style shown here, good sir.

  • How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow-worm?

    He has a flashing light.

  • What did the white guy see when he looked at his family tree?

    A straight line.

  • Why did the walrus goto the tupperware party?

    He was looking for a tight seal.

  • Why did the snail paint an S on the back of his car?

    So when he drove by people would say, "Hey, look at that S car go!"

  • What's black, blue and doesn't look too well?

    Stevie Wonder

  • What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?

    Their knees. (Not sure if this one translates well to english)

  • Why did the black man wear a suit to his vasectomy?

    If he was going to be Impotent he wanted to look impotent. (important)

  • What would you like today?

    Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

  • Don't look at the eclipse through a colander.

    You'll strain your eyes.

  • What did the Red light say to the Green light?

    Don't look at me I'm changing!

  • Why shouldn't you look at a cup of ranch?

    Because it's still dressing.

  • How do you know if an introvert likes you?

    He looks at your shoes instead of his

  • What do you call it when a transcendentalist author looks at old photos?

    Thoreau Back Thursday

  • What is yellow and goes click-click?

    A ball-point banana. Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older Wizard: With luck yes. Witch:

  • What's the biggest joke of 2016?

    Look a bit to the right.

  • Why are sinks depressed?

    People look down on them.

  • How do you know If your girlfriend is Canadian?

    Look at her beaver.

  • What did the CIA dogs say when they supsected they were being followed?

    Looks like we got a tail.

  • Why was the spider inside the Computer?

    He was looking for a webpage!

  • What happened out there?

    I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either

  • Why do bears have fur coats ?

    Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

  • How do you get over trophobia?

    Look at the hole photo for 30 seconds straight

  • What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

    Both looking for a tight seal.

  • Why did the introvert polish his shoes regularly?

    So he could look at others' faces.

  • Why are there so many French orphans in the fruit isle of the grocery store?

    Because they are all looking for their pre

  • Why did George cross the road?

    He didn't look in both directions before crossing.

  • Why did the Greeks want Helen back so bad?

    Are you kidding She was the most beautiful woman in the world! Can you imagine what her sons would of looked like

  • What does religion and Ikea have in common?

    The stuff they have looks good but its impossible to put together. huehue

  • Why do mice have long tails ?

    Well they'd look silly with long hair !

  • Why did the global warming activist compliment the earth?

    Cause it looked hotter than usual! (I'll see myself out)

  • How many A.D.D. kids does it take to change a light bulb?

    Look a squirrel!

  • How does a Range Rover Evoque look after landing on it's roof?

    Exactly the same.

  • What was Tigger doing in the toilet?

    Looking for Pooh.

  • What's brightly coloured and looks good on raver kids?


  • What is worse, balancing on a 100meter high rope or getting a BJ from a man?

    Its both not that bad, you just shouldnt look down.

  • What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

    Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

  • When the zombies want Twisties! take a look on this zombies viral video, serious feedback please :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?


  • Why do you put a baby into a blender feet-first?

    So you can see the look on its face. How do you get said baby out of the blender? Tortilla chips.

  • How do you know you are at r/jokes?

    The guys all look like they played football for Bronx HighSchool of Science

  • How would you best describe him?

    Me: He looks like a miniature cat

  • Why is there a wolf in the smoke shop?

    He's just looking for a pack.

  • How do you start a joke about Vladimir Putin?

    By looking over your shoulder.

  • What are they both thinking?

    Don't look down.

  • What did the Mtis people think of the look on Stephen Harper's face when he lost the election?

    They though it was Riel funny!

  • What type of board will you be riding?

    Jesus: looks at feet They're using boards

  • What do walruses and tupperware have in common?

    They're both looking for a tight seal.

  • Why did Harrison Ford Crash his plane?

    because he was flying solo and went look no hans...

  • Who were the Tallest Man in the World's roll models?

    Nobody, he had no one to look up to.

  • How are lawyers and apples similar?

    They both look good hanging from a tree

  • What the band's name?

    me: looking over desk for ideas Inbox(29)

  • How do you get a fire started?

    You burn some fagots Look up the definition before commenting/down voting...

  • What do you call a masochist looking for a hookup?

    Cruisin' for a bruisin'

  • Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window?

    Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.

  • How do you know when an introvert is interested in you?

    They are looking at your shoes, rather than their own.

  • Whats the word im looking for?

    You're part of a three-man space crew orbiting Earth. You can ONLY relay one, one word message in 2 seconds. Whats the word

  • What do you get when cross-eyed and looking at a solar eclipse?

    A solar ellipses...

  • What do Germans look at on the internet?

    Danke memes

  • Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?

    A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

  • How do you tell the difference between an introvert or extrovert software engineer?

    The extrovert looks at your feet when talking.

  • What's your best racist joke?

    I was just looking for some good racially insensitive jokes for my friends. Gimme your worst, Reddit.

  • What's the best thing about an 8 year old in the shower?

    You can slick her hair back and make her look 6.

  • What is brown all around and looks good on a motorcyclist?

    A coffin.

  • What did Peter Pan say during the plane crash?

    It looks like we're going to Neverland."

  • What's the difference between a golfball and a woman's 'G' spot?

    A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball... Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball...

  • Why were the camels wearing sandals?

    To stop themselves sinking into the sand. Why did the ostrich stick its head in the sand To look at the camels who forgot to put their sandals on.

  • Where Did it go?

    Where did that list of dark jokes posted this morning go? Iv looked everywhere.

  • What does a racist joke and a crime have in common?

    They both start with you looking over your shoulder.

  • Why did the negative number look so surprised?

    He was nonplussed.

  • Why do Japanese people look so serious in pictures?

    Last time they saw a flash it destroyed their country

  • Why are black crimes hard to solve?

    Because they're all criminals and they look the same.

  • What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ?

    Dad dad look what marma-laid' !

  • Why do women over 40 don't play hide and seek?

    Because nobody is looking for them.

  • What's the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted mathematician?

    The extrovert looks at the other person's shoes.

  • Why are women so afraid of looking stupid?

    Because they don't want the world to know!

  • What did the seven dwarves say when Snow White finally woke up?

    Well, it looks like its back to jerking off.

  • Why use words you don't understand in your tweets?

    It just makes you look photosynthesis.

  • What if you go missing?

    How do you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on Facebook.

  • Why are women so bad at parking?

    Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

  • What's an easy way on /r/jokes to find feminism jokes?

    Just look for ones that have a "JOKE:" disclaimer

  • How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?

    Now, I tweet them

  • When are minorities not minorities?

    When you look at crime statistics.

  • What do you call a good looking girl in Wisconsin?

    A Tourist!

  • What are we gonna name our band?

    from crowd look at the one guys hair! LMFAO *they look at each other*

  • How are relationships like algebra?

    You look at your X and try to find out Y

  • Why are dyslexic zombies such good plumbers?

    Because they're always looking for drains.

  • How can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer?

    They look at your feet instead of theirs.

  • How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Look ask me when I get back from India okay

  • What has two legs and looks like a spider?

    A spider. (They have two legs and an additional six legs also)

  • What is Checkmate?

    You tell your Wife, "I saw a lady, looked exactly like you" Wife asks, "WAS SHE BEAUTIFUL?" You cant say 'NO' You cant say 'YES' That is Checkmate!

  • What do earth scientists look at on their lunch breaks?


  • What, why?

    is it my hair Her: no Me: MY LOOKS! Her: no, it's your personality Me: oh thank god

  • Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber?

    The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.

  • What did David Crockett say when he looked over the Alamo wall and saw 3000 Mexicans?

    Hey I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.

  • How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?

    Look for gray hares.

  • What do you call a good looking tractor?


  • What did aged mother cheddar say to her son the day of school photos?

    Looking sharp.

  • What do you call an elephant that looks like a rhino?


  • How do you find the defendant?

    Jury Foreman: Well...I guess I just look right at him. Why -- isn't that how you do it

  • What did A and B look for at the beach?

    A "C" gull!

  • Why did Horse Santa put his dentist on the naughty list?

    You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

  • What does it look like when someone is drowning?


  • How can you tell if your "designer clothes" are made in China?

    If they look fabric-cated Very bad, I know. "This is why we don't have friends!!"

  • What does that cloud look like to you?

    3-year-old: A cloud. Me: No, what do you imagine it could be 3-year-old: Rain.

  • What is the definition of diplomacy?

    The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  • What Did The Jumbo Shrimp Say To The Jumbo Crab?

    Looks like you've got me in a pinch."

  • When your boss asks you "do I look stupid to you?

    it's a rhetorical question I know this now

  • How does a Muslim get a hot date?

    He puts it in the microwave. EDIT: Looks like you guys are real dim....

  • How was I supposed to know they meant combined?

    They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old

  • Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

    They were looking for the ark tick.

  • Which French novelist looked like a scrotum?


  • Why did Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia never get together?

    Because Luke was looking for love in Alderaan places!!

  • What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?

    What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer? An introverted engineer looks at his feet when he talks to you. An extroverted engineer looks at YOUR feet when he talks to you!

  • How do you know that you're too old?

    When the priest doesn't look at you anymore.

  • How can you tell that a straight pin is confused?

    Just look at it. It's headed in one direction and pointed in the other.

  • What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?

    A: She went looking for the three guys.

  • How do you keep a idiot occupied?

    I will tell you how in my next post- Jk the answer's in one of the comments, look through every single one and you are destined to discover the answer.

  • What is the difference between a trampoline and a baby?

    A trampoline doesn't look adorable in a sailor outfit

  • How can you tell an engineer is an extrovert?

    He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

  • What Color Is It?

    In case you hadn't noticed, the color of the wind is 'blew.' Water always looks 'wet' to me. Dirt is oviously 'dirty.' Soup seems 'soupy.' If you can't find those Crayons in your box, contact CRAYOLA.

  • Where does a lonely ant go when it is separated from its colony?

    I have no idea, but this looks like a good joke. So post your proposals in comments.

  • What came first?

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

  • Why did the Englishman wear a tie to his vasectomy?

    Because he wanted to look mptnt

  • What's bright, red and orange and looks good on hippies?


  • What did Jesus say after he healed the blind man?

    Made you look!

  • How do people look at the internet?

    Me: How Him: With their google-y eyes

  • Which dog looks like a cat?

    A police dog in disguise.

  • What did the Pencile say to the other pencil?

    what did the pencile say to the other pencil the answer is........... Your Looking Sharp :)

  • How do you tell who the extroverted engineers are?

    They're the ones who look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.

  • How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?

    He looks at shoes when he's talking to you.

  • What did the bookshelf say when it looked in the mirror?

    I can see my shelf"

  • How many A.D.D. kids does it take to change a light bulb?

    Look a squirrel!

  • What reddit page has that link/picture you're looking for?

    The next page.

  • Why was the tallest man in the world troubled?

    Because he had no one to look up to.

  • What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ?

    A little bear !

  • What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York?


  • What's the difference between a black person and Christmas lights?

    Nothing. They both look good hanging from trees.

  • Why does a walrus love Tupperware?

    Because he's always looking for a tight seal.

  • What's wrong with Bessie?

    She looks like she's in constant pain! She has mooootiple sclerosis

  • Why do you hold your hand flat above your eyes when you look into the distance?

    Because when you would cover your eyes with your hand, you wouldn't see sh*t. I'm lame.

  • How can you tell the clan of a Scotsman?

    Look under his kilt, if it's a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald.

  • Why do priests wear underwear in the shower?

    They don't like to look down on the unemployed

  • Why couldn't the anthropologist find any Lomekwian tools?

    They were looking in Oldowan places

  • How do you get herpes of the eye ball?

    Looking for love in all the wrong places.

  • What did the little girl say when opened up a box of Cheerios?

    Awww, look daddy, doughnut seeds!!!

  • Why did the thoroughbred break up with the wild horse?

    Because she was looking for a stable relationship.

  • What do you think I should buy, a cow or a bike?

    You'd look pretty funny riding a cow...but you'd look much worst milking a bike

  • What's the difference between bacteria and rednecks?

    When looking at bacteria you can actually find some culture.

  • Why are your eyes dilated?

    Me: "Your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love" Mom: "What were you looking at " Me: "Memes"

  • What does a Redditor do at prom?

    He looks for the punchline

  • What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road?

    Look out for the mice!

  • What do museums and girls have in common?

    It is always look but don't touch.

  • What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the iPhone 6 started?

    Looking for Jobs.

  • Why are blondes bad a judging distance?

    They have no idea what 12 inches actually looks like. I for some reason could not find a way to phrase this any better. Credit to my coworker.

  • What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity?

    Making their wrist look like their jeans. (I'm sorry)

  • Why did the invisible man look in the mirror?

    To make sure he still wasn't there.

  • What's a homotron?

    Just an electron that goes around looking for a fuse to blow!

  • Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?

    A: He was looking for a Czech mate.

  • What's your phone number?

    looks up from phone* Me: I don't have a phone. *looks down at phone* Coworker....

  • Why is a sorority the safest place to be during a zombie apocalypse?

    Because they're looking for braaaaaaaaaains

  • Why was the UKIP voter angry?

    Because he didn't like the look of the Poles (for this to make sense, pretend the UK election hasn't happened yet)

  • How did voldemort look like when he was hiding in albania?

    Pretty gaunt

  • What would call a person who isn't worthy of being looked at?


  • What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?


  • Why are autistic people like black people?

    They all look the same.

  • How does the chef prepare the chicken?

    The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

  • What quality does Elon Musk look for in a woman?

    He just wants her to be down to Mars

  • Why was the New Englander so intent on looking for his khakis?

    Cuz he needed to pahk da cah in da yahd.

  • What's an extroverted accountant?

    One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

  • How do you tell an introvert and an extrovert mathematician apart?

    When talking to you, the extrovert mathematician looks at *your* shoes.

  • Why are they called One Direction?

    Looks to me like they go both ways.

  • What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?

    Looks like rein dear"

  • What do you call a clean, good looking well behaved monster?

    a failure!

  • How do you tell a rabbit from a gorilla?

    A rabbit doesn't look like a gorilla.

  • What's the point?

    You look ridiculous. What difference does 1 inch really make Don't answer that.

  • Who would win in a fight...your mom or your dad?

    From the looks of it, your dad won

  • What did Ronda Rousey's face look like after her fight with Holly Holm?

    It was all broused up!

  • What brand is it?

    Me: *looks puzzled*licks lips* It's donut glaze.

  • What famous painting do cows love to look at?

    The Moona Lisa!

  • What two things look exactly the opposite but mean exactly the same?

    9/11 and 11/9 - darkest days in American history

  • What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?

    Wow!! Donut seeds!!!!

  • How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

    Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

  • Why were people angry wen the chiken crossed the rd?

    Cus he looked one way, then another way after.

  • What does a pirate call three feet?

    A YAAAARRRRGGGG!! Oh look a door.

  • Why did the bald man draw rabbits all over his head?

    From a distance they look like hares!

  • Why was Jesus not Mexican?

    No matter how hard God looked, he could not find three wise men or a virgin anywhere in Mexico

  • What looks like half an apple?

    The other half

  • Why didn't Stalin look both ways before he crossed the road?

    He was rushin'

  • What Did One Eye Say To Another Eye?

    Don't Look Now But Something Between Us Smells

  • What looks better... than roses your piano?

    Tulips on your organ.

  • Whats the complement to a 40 degree angle?

    My you're looking "acute" today.

  • When she read the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?

    I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."

  • Why does Vincent van Gogh always look forward to thenew year?

    Because everyone wishes him a new ear.

  • What did one Pencil say to the other ?

    Your looking Sharp!

  • What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight?

    A: Don't look I'm changing!!

  • Why don't violists play hide and seek?

    A: Because no one will look for them.

  • What do you mean he's your half son?

    What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.

  • Where should we look to stem global overpopulation?

    The youth in Asia.....

  • Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks?

    Because he thought it wood look better!

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    You look for the fresh prints!

  • Who has two thumbs and looks an awful lot like Alec Baldwin?

    Alec Baldwin

  • Why was the dog so depressed?

    He was having a hard time looking up.

  • Why was Thor so worried about his hair looking good?

    because he is a Norsissist.

  • What are you looking for in a car?

    I said, "It has to be affordable" He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble."

  • What did the illiterate Mexican say to the funny looking bottle of mayonnaise?


  • What do tall people and black people have in common?

    They have no one to look up to.

  • How do you spot Will Smith on a snowy Christmas morning?

    Look for Fresh Prince

  • How does every racist joke begin?

    With a look over the shoulder.

  • Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

    He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*

  • Why do some fish always look high?

    Because of all the seaweed.

  • How does my football throw look to you?

    Me: Like you're good at science...

  • What do you call a hobbit that looks good in pictures?


  • Why are you late?

    Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

  • What do a walrus and a zip-lock bag have in common?

    They're both looking for a tight seal.

  • Why is sorority row the safest place to be during a zombie invasion?

    Cause the zombies are looking for braaaaaaaains

  • Why does the sad crab walk side ways?

    Because he has nothing to look forward to

  • What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios?

    A. Donut seeds.

  • Where's the best place to look for a joke?

    The mirror

  • What does a blonde put behind her ears to look attractive?

    Her ankles.

  • What's the worst thing to hear during a prostate exam?

    Look! No hands!

  • How did Marty McFly react when shown what 2015 would really look like?

    Gee, it's hard to say, although he did seem pretty shaken up about it.

  • Why did Toronto host the (hockey) World Junior Championships?

    They wanted to see what a winning team looked like.

  • How many kids do you think Wolverine has?

    Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn't look like he'd wear a rubber or pull out.

  • Why don't you ever wear your hair down?

    Me: It makes me look approachable. CW: So Me: I don't want to encourage that.

  • What's blue and looks like a bucket?

    A: A red bucket in disguise.

  • What is the best part about showering with a 14 year old girl?

    If you slick her hair back just right, she looks nine!

  • What did Davy Crockett say when he looked over The Alamo wall and saw 5,000 Mexican Soldiers?

    Who the hell ordered a new roof?"

  • Which fish dresses the best?

    The Swordfish - It always looks sharp!

  • Why do scientists look for things twice?

    A: Because they research everything.

  • Why did Tigger get stuck in the toilet?

    He was looking for pooh.

  • What is buoyancy?

    Alex: I'm sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.

  • What's next, thought crimes?

    CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

  • What did the man say to the fly?

    Hey.. you're looking fly"

  • Why did Tigger jump down the toilet?

    He was looking for Pooh.

  • What's black and looks good on a lawyer?

    An unconvicted felon.

  • Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?

    A: Because from a distance they looked like hares.

  • Who looks after the EuroDisney website?

    Mick e-mouse.

  • What was the lonely chemist looking for?


  • What did the blonde say when she looked down at her bowl of Cheerios?

    Look, donut seeds!

  • What did the mayonnaise say to the man opening the fridge door?

    Don't look. I'm dressing."

  • What's black & grey and also looks good on a cop?

    The World Trade Center

  • What did the corn stalk say to the other corn stalk?

    That outfit makes you look very corny."

  • Why are the waiters in here so nasty?

    Waiter: Look at who they have to serve.

  • How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    I don't know but I can look it up for you."

  • What's the longest you've ever stared at your phone without glancing up to look at the road while driving?

    For me it's three weeks.

  • What was that?

    4-year-old: Nothing. Me: 4: Me: OK. Parenting is easier than it looks.

  • Why did Scotty check all the toilets of the Starship Enterprise?

    He was looking for the Captain's log.

  • What is the term for a group of Canadians?

    Is it "an apology" "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

  • How do you tell the time in the US?

    By looking at a bomb

  • How long does it take a group of Mexicans to build a building?

    Oh look, they're done.

  • How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?

    You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.

  • Why did the brother octopi look so alike?

    They were itentacle twins.

  • What does it mean if a dude looks down and sees four balls instead of two?

    He needs to be very careful, because he may be getting screwed.

  • Why does a pencil shave?

    To look sharp

  • What did the right testlcle say to the left?

    Look at this guy in the middle trying to act all hard

  • Why is Jar Jar Binks so lonely?

    He's been looking for love in Alderaan places.

  • Why couldn't the boy look at the Milky Way?

    He was galactose intolerant.

  • What is the Fonz looking forward to the most in the future?

    The iPhone Ayyyye-t

  • Why did the two knives go to the dance together?

    Because they both looked sharp!

  • What makes fish smell?

    One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."

  • What do I look like?


  • Why did the lost tourist cross the road?

    The chicken looked like he knew where he was going.

  • What's detour mean?

    Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.

  • What do a Tupperware designer and a horny walrus have in common?

    They're both looking for a tight seal.

  • What do I look for in a girl?

    Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

  • Why are you being so salty?

    Her response - with a flat, even look: "I've been well seasoned." I lost it

  • How do you find a blonde on reddit?

    Look for the comments that just say "huh "

  • Why did the farmer's wife got angry at him for paying too much attention to his equipment?

    He kept looking at his hoes.

  • Why's he in his underwear?

    Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

  • Why couldn't the man be bothered to look at the origami mountains?

    because it was pay-per view.* "paper view"

  • What's the best part about taking a shower with an 11 year old girl?

    If you slick her hair back, she looks like an 8 year old boy.

  • Why do Japanese women like foreign men?

    Japanese men can't look them in the eye. Kappa

  • How long has your car been doing that?

    Me: Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.

  • Why do you look so sad?

    Boy explains his whole problem Girl: Oh, that's why you didn't notice my nail paint

  • Why do a lot of tech recruiters have herpes?

    Because they look for contributors to open sores.

  • What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk ?

    Dirty looks from the mouse !

  • Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

    Because those men already have boyfriends.

  • What is that you're having for lunch?

    Me: fruit salad H: That's funny, it looks like a sangria. Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

  • Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror?

    To see how she looks like when sleeping.

  • Why couldn't Princess Leia get any dates?

    She was looking for Alderaan men.

  • What did the Metis people think of the look on Stephen Harper's face when he lost the election?

    They though it was Riel funny!