Lose Jokes

  • What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?


  • What did the sarcastic taximan say when he lost his job?

    Oh well that's just uber, isn't it

  • What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?


  • What is something we all lost?

    The Game

  • What do you call a tree that lost its family in a forrest fire?

    Mourning wood

  • Which is the quickest way to make someone lose?

    The game.

  • Why did the phone keep walking into the wall?

    It lost its contacts.

  • Why does Heisenberg hate driving?

    He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer.

  • Where do Doggos go when they lose their tail?


  • What do a hurricane and a divorce in Virginia have in common?

    Screaming, crying, and somebody loses a trailer!

  • Why will Church's chicken be losing money?

    Because I don't see black people going to church's anytime soon

  • What is the fastest way to lose pounds?

    Leave EU.

  • Why couldn't Cauchy lose any weight?

    Because every time he saw a street pole he imagined two pies.

  • Why did the Chinese almost lose in Mulan?

    They had way to many chinks in their armor.

  • Why did Mr. T reject Marxism?

    Because Marx said "You have nothing to lose but your chains."

  • When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what?

    We do.

  • Why did the marijuana addict lose the race?

    He was running on fumes.

  • What do tornadoes and redneck divorces have in common?

    Either way, someone is going to end up losing a trailer.

  • What is the most inappropriate thing to say to someone who just lost their job?

    You had one job.

  • What method did SFML perform when the Human lost to the AI?


  • Why did Snoop Dogg lose control of his Pontiac?

    The drizzle

  • What do an anorexic girl and the UK have in common?

    They both lose pounds really fast.

  • Why was the 45 year old businessman losing his hair?

    He has cancer.

  • Why are shopaholics in the UK generally very skinny?

    Because they are always losing pounds.

  • How many light bulbs did it take to screw a human?

    None, there not too bright with doing anything except showing us where to go when were lost in the dark

  • What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?

    If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.

  • Where do lions go if they lose their tails ?

    To the re-tail store. :D

  • What do you call LeVar Burton that survived months of being lost in the wilderness?

    Geordi La Forage

  • Why did the doctor make an old woman cry?

    He lost his patients

  • What do a Redneck divorcee and a Tornado have in common?

    either way, you're gonna lose your trailer...

  • Why did Rolf Harris leave Animal Hospital?

    He heard they were getting hares and lost interest!

  • How much do you think I will be losing with this?

    Pharmacist replies: Well ... around 200 bucks.

  • Why are you being so salty?

    Her response - with a flat, even look: "I've been well seasoned." I lost it

  • Why did Germany lose WW2?

    Three Reichs and you're out

  • Why is an Alabama divorce like a tornado?

    One way or the other someone is losing a trailer.

  • How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?

    A: Her crayons are still sticky.

  • Why did Russia lose the race?

    Because it was Stalin! (Sorry. Communist jokes aren't funny unless every gets them.)

  • How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it?

    Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

  • Why is 'The Game' the most powerful rapper?

    Because you lose every time you talk about him ( )

  • What is the difference between J. Winston and a cat?

    One ruins girls clothes and steals crab legs, the other one is also losing the Rose Bowl.

  • Where should you go if you lost a corner?

    To the Eagles, they can get corner-backs.

  • What do you give a losing horse with lockjaw?

    A new jaw-key

  • Why did the banker dump his girlfriend?

    He lost interest.

  • What's the worst way to lose your job?

    By firing squad.

  • What does a dog do when it loses it's tail?

    Goes to a retail store to find another one.

  • Why did Victoria lose her job?

    We don't know, it's Victoria's secret.

  • What do you call a 2x4 that lost its family to a fire?

    mourning wood

  • What is yellow and goes click-click?

    A ball-point banana. Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older Wizard: With luck yes. Witch:

  • What do you call a nun lost in the woods?

    A Roamin Catholic.

  • What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money?

    Blacking out and gaining money.

  • What does an Eskimo girl say before she is about to lose her virginity?

    Careful Dad, don't squish my smokes."

  • How did Jared Fogle lose 40 pounds?

    He dumped his girlfriend.

  • Why did the lost tourist cross the road?

    The chicken looked like he knew where he was going.

  • How do you call a Mexican who lost his car?


  • What television show best describes a mothers virginity?


  • Why did the one eyed banker lose his job?

    He didn't have any debtperception.

  • What did Hillary say when she lost?

    Putin end to my life.

  • How does a crackhead lose weight?

    Diet Coke.

  • Why didn't Anna and Elsa's parents teach them the alphabet?

    Because they got lost at C.

  • What did the Alabama woman say when she lost her virginity?

    Dad you're crushing my cigarettes.

  • What did the balding German frau exclaim when her husband left her?

    Ach! I tink I'm losing mein Herr!

  • Why is an Oklahoma divorce like a Texas twister?

    Somebody's 'bout to lose a trailer.

  • Who did the sea captain lose his virginity to?

    His first mate

  • What does an Arab say after losing his virginity?

    Good goat!

  • Why did the farmer fail to bring in the whole harvest before winter frost?

    He got lost in the maize.

  • Why couldn't Robin play cricket?

    Because he lost his bat, man.

  • What happened to the concussed gravedigger?

    He lost the plot.

  • Why do people with heart disease always lose at poker?

    They have to take ACE inhibitors.

  • How is November's election like the Alien vs Predator movie?

    Whoever wins...we lose.

  • What muscle do Egyptian soldiers generally lose control of, shortly before major battles?

    The sphinxster ....

  • How did Helen Keller lose her arm?

    Trying to read the road signs!!!

  • What is the best way to get called a ,"genius?

    by losing a billion dollars in business.

  • What did the big hairy monster do when he lost a hand?

    He went to the second-hand shop.

  • What do you call a bottle of seltzer that lost all its bubbles?


  • What happened when the shoe factory burned down?

    500 soles were lost.

  • How do fireflies lose weight?

    They burn calories.

  • What happens to a legend's career when he loses his leg?

    It ends.

  • What is it called when a reptile loses its tail?

    Ereptile Dysfunction

  • Why did the Russians lose the space race?

    Their rocket kept Stalin!

  • Why did the short guy lose the basketball game?

    Because he four feet.

  • How many NRA members does it take to stop a 6-year-old paraplegic from stealing a candy bar?

    Nobody knows - they usually lose count at 800 rounds.

  • What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you?

    You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.

  • What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house?

    He became a quack head

  • How does a nun lose her virginity?

    Dresses up as an altar boy

  • Why did Mike Dukakis lose the 1998 Presidential election?

    He TANKED his campaign!

  • Where do animals go when they lose their tails?

    The retail store!

  • Why are you late?

    Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

  • What do you call a penguin in the desert?


  • What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?

    I'm paw !

  • What's the best way to lose some pounds?

    Leave the EU.

  • Why did Prince William lose his cool?

    He wasn't properly heir conditioned.

  • How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?

    Me: *names two of them*

  • What do you call an honest man in the Oval Office?


  • Where are the Atlantis and the lost treasures of many renowned pirates?

    Nobody knows.It's a well kept seacret.

  • Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

    Because he was always lost at C!

  • Why did the aquarium have an existential crisis when the dolphins were released to the wild?

    It lost its porpoise.

  • Why did Jesus lose the basketball game?

    Because Peter denied him three times.

  • Who did E.coli call after it lost a fight in school?


  • How did the possessed lady lose weight?

    Diet and exorcise.

  • Why is being a pirate addictive?

    They say that after you lose your first hand, you get hooked!

  • What's the worst part about season 1 of Lost?

    The episode.

  • What makes me want to lose the will to live?


  • What happened after the man borrowed a sad movie from his friend?

    He lost it.

  • Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?

    He lost track of thyme. Happy Thanksgiving.

  • What happened when Honey Boo Boo's mom lost 120 pounds?

    An amber alert was issued

  • Why did Jared lose so much weight?

    He always went for the 6 instead of the 12

  • Why didn't the recently single goose lose her job when she made a mistake?

    Because she had one heck of an ex-goose

  • What do you call a chicken at the north pole?


  • Why did little Johnny lose his ice cream?

    He got his by a bus. My little brother just told me this!

  • What happened to the man who went to court for making deafening noises?

    He lost his hearing.

  • How does the Terminator lose weight?

    By counting Kylereese.

  • Why are Americans bad at chess?

    They lost two towers

  • What would be the worst possible thing to see on Reddit after losing your family in a car crash?

    removed (two children)

  • Why do so many white people get lost skiing?

    It's hard to find them in the snow.

  • What is Apple's CEO's favourite TV show?


  • What's the difference between the stock market and women?

    With the stock market you can only lose when you pull out.

  • When do ghosts have to stop scaring people?

    When they lose their haunting licenses.

  • What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

    Where's my tractor?

  • What do a tornado and a redneck wedding have in common?

    Either way you lose a motorhome.

  • What're you in for?

    I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother."

  • What did the redneck say when she lost her virginity?

    GET OFF ME DAD, you're crushing my cigarettes!

  • How are new marriages just like LOST?

    The Significant Others just want babies.

  • Why can't a Pirate make it through their ABC's?

    They always get lost at C.

  • What do you call a Korean girl, who lost her virginity at a young age?

    Sum-Young Ho

  • What did the ant whisper into the elephant's ear that made the elephant faint?

    I'm going to be the mother of your children." I have no idea whether the joke is lost in translation...

  • What's your enemy called?

    Dr Doom. Yours " "Joker" stifles laughter "I HAVE OTHERS" "Ye-" "Penguin" just loses it

  • How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

    Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

  • What does a girl from Arkansas say when she loses her virginity?

    Get off me paw, you're crushing my smokes."

  • What would Paul McCartney say after losing both his legs?

    Suddenly....I'm not half the man I used to be....."

  • What did the baker say after he found the dough he had lost?

    That's just what I kneaded!

  • What's a big game hunter?

    Someone who's lost his way to the match.

  • Why did the banker resign?

    His customers lost interest in him.

  • Why did my local sandwich shop lose all of its workers??

    I was told they were sick of being subordinates.

  • Why did the Mexican lorry driver lose his job?

    He ate his tacho.

  • What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

    A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

  • What's the quickest way to lose pounds?

    The UK National Lottery!

  • What drove the British mystery fan insane?

    He lost his Marples.

  • What did the farmers daughter say when she lost her virginity?

    Get off me dad your crushing my smokes!

  • What's the difference between a tornado and a redneck divorce?

    Nothing. Either way they're losing the trailer.

  • Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament?

    Because they lost their 2 best shooters

  • What do you think about the coming battle General?

    God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.

  • What dogs never get lost?


  • Why did Mario lose a life?

    He stubbed his MiyamoToe. ...I'll see my way out.

  • Why did Brazil lose the World Cup?

    Weak back.

  • How did you lose your last job?

    I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.

  • What do you call a Pirate who lost his anchor?

    can't anchor us" /bow.. this is as clever as i get, people.. so sorry.

  • What do you call a guy who likes to lose?


  • Why did the doctor lose his job?

    He lost his patience

  • What do you do when you lose your Kia car?

    You go Soul-searching.

  • Why did the marine biologist jump off a bridge?

    He lost his porpoise in life.

  • How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?


  • Why won't bankers go to the opera?

    Because they quickly lose interest

  • What did the farmer's daughter say when she lost her virginity?

    Get off me dad you're crushing my smokes! Or "That'll do pig, that'll do." I have heard it both ways.

  • Why is the alphabet of a pirate incomplete ?

    Because they lost an I.

  • Why are we here?

    Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

  • What does a girl from Arkansas say just before she loses her virginity?

    Careful, dad, or you'll crush my smokes."

  • How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods ?

    Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !

  • What do Apple and Rose have in common?

    They both lost jack.

  • What do you call a camel in Alaska?


  • Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?

    Now we just have to call him Dav.

  • Who loses in a basketball game between two Vietnamese guys?

    No one... its Nguyen Nguyen!

  • What do you call a ghost without any feet?

    A lost sole

  • Why did China lose WW2?

    Because their weapons were made in China

  • Why do bald-headed men never use keys?

    Because they've lost their locks.

  • What's the difference between a gambler and a Kasich supporter?

    A gambler might lose.

  • Why did Heisenberg remove the speedometer from his car?

    So he would stop getting lost everything he checked it.

  • What do you do if you're lost in an Icelandic forest?

    Stand up!

  • Why does Lichtenstien never lose a race?

    Because nothing is faster then Liecht!

  • Why was the steel angry?

    Because it lost it's temper.

  • What do you call Michael Buble's long lost evil twin brother?

    Pu-pu puble

  • What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?

    A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

  • Who loses?


  • Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

    You will lose every hand.

  • How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job?

    She swallowed

  • Who lost a herd of elephants ?

    Big bo peep !

  • Why was the little boy speaking gibberish?

    Because he lost his marbles.

  • What did the pavement smoother say after he lost his hands?

    I literally can't even."

  • What do a stoner lost in the desert and Bolivia have in common?

    They're both really high and have no access to water.

  • What did the snail say when his friend lost his car?

    Where did Es-car-go.

  • How did Jared lose 30 pounds?

    He dumped his girlfriend.

  • Who's going to lose the upcoming election?


  • Why did the investment banker leave her husband?

    She was losing interest.

  • When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone's numbers again, I text them: "Guess who?

    for 2 weeks.

  • Why did Mr. T reject Socialism?

    Because he stumbled across a quote by Karl Marx which said: "All you have to lose is your chains."

  • What's worse than losing one arm?

    Losing both your arms.

  • What's Hillary's thoughts about her campaign?

    Iran, Iraq, I lost

  • Why did the lion lose at poker?

    He was playing with a cheetah.

  • How did the witch almost lose her baby?

    She didn't take it far enough into the woods.

  • How did Jared Fogel lose 60 pounds?

    He broke up with his girlfriend.

  • Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

    Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

  • What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?

    It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

  • What do you call a hippo in Antarctica?

    LOST!! (I'll show myself out now)

  • What is a joke that so stupid that is actually funny?

    There was a thread months ago but i lost it...

  • What do you call an elf who lost all his toys?


  • How did Jesus lose his virginity?

    When he was nailed on the cross.

  • What do a tornado and a divorce in the South have in common?

    Someone is losing their trailer..

  • What do a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?

    Someone's losing a trailer.

  • Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

    because they get lost at C!

  • How do you find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow?

    You look for the fresh prints.

  • Why does the army want to only recruit married men?

    Because they don't want a man lost!

  • Why was the fruit farmer losing money?

    He couldn't grow a pear

  • What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?

    A widower.

  • Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?

    Because two halves make a whole (hole) and you could lose your money.

  • How many NBA finals does Lebron plan on losing?

    not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 not 5 not 6 not 7

  • How do you make people lose faith in this sub?


  • Why did the dog lose the lawsuit?

    It was a shih-tzu

  • Why did the twitter army lose all their battles?

    Because they kept retweeting.

  • Which is the worst hand to lose?

    The second one.

  • Why did the lion always lose at poker?

    He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs!

  • Why did Verizon's mailman get fired?

    He was losing packets.

  • What do you call a grandma that know martial arts?

    A grandmartial artist. I apologise for any lost brain cells.

  • Where'd the dog who lost his tail go to get a new one?

    A retail store.

  • Why did Christopher Reeve lose the debate?

    Because his arguments against scrutiny.

  • Why did the vengeful fireman lose his job?

    He tried fighting fire with fire.

  • What do you call a chess blunder where you lose your castle?

    A Rook-ey mistake.

  • How is a redneck divorce like a hurricane in Florida?

    Either way you lose the trailer!

  • What does a burning Mexican farm smell like?

    Tacos. Overheard an old man telling another guy how he lost his farm in Mexico , and how the smell reminded him of tacos.

  • What do plantains say when they lose their phone?

    Where did Mofongo "

  • What do you tell a conductor when they lose control of their orchestra?

    Go Bach and get a Handel on it!

  • How did Jared lose 40lbs?

    He dumped his girlfriend.

  • Why does the North Korean military always lose their battles?

    xpost /r/meanjokes Every single shot at them is at a chink in their armor.

  • Why did Ayn Rand lose the pool tournament?

    She wouldn't play on a regulation size table

  • What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

    Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.

  • How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?

    Somebody left the plunger in the toilet.

  • What did the redneck say when he lost his virginity?

    Thanks mum xD

  • What do you call the teacher who lost her baby?

    Miss Carriage

  • How do you lose a Football championship penalty shootout?

    You Messi-up

  • What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

    Exit the European Union.

  • Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail?

    To the retail store!

  • Where do you usually find dogs?

    It all depends on where you lose them.

  • What happened when the man lost his suspenders?

    He became one of those For Whom the Belt Holds

  • What do you call a cab driver who lost his brakes?

    A screwdriver

  • Where to dogs who lost their tails go?

    To a retail store.

  • Who do you give a lost gun to?

    The rifle owner.

  • Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?

    A: Because if they get lost it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

  • How do you bowl a 301?

    Do you know anyone who has bowled a 300 and lost

  • Why was the lion alone and disheartened?

    He lost his pride in a bet

  • What is a Dutchman who lost his driving license?


  • Why did Rembrandt lose his house?

    Because he was *Baroque*.

  • Why was the juice company losing customers?

    There was no punch-line.

  • Where is the lost city of Atlantis?

    Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet.

  • Where would you find an elephant ?

    Pupil:"You don't have to find them they're too big to lose !"

  • Why is Jennie McCarthy so bad at RPG's?

    The last time her son had a healing potion he lost 15 IQ Points.

  • What do you call a lost crayon?

    a Strayola

  • How'd he do that?

    Because you can't bowl a 300 and lose.

  • What does a 14 year-old Native American girl say when she loses her virginity?

    Stop Dad, you're crushing me smokes!

  • What's the difference between my virginity and the Apple Airphones?

    Losing my virginity wouldn't cost me as much.

  • What happened to the lost cattle?

    Nobody's herd.

  • Why didn't the native Americans go out to dinner?

    They lost their reservations.

  • What does a monster do when he loses his head?

    He calls a head hunter.

  • Who lose in the presidential debate?


  • Where did the chess player go when he lost one of his chess pieces?

    The pawn shop.

  • Why did Michael Jackson always lose in a race?

    Because he always came in a lil behind.

  • What did the atom say when it lost an electron?

    I better keep an ion that.

  • Why couldn't the blonde make icecubes?

    because she lost the recipe.

  • How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

    I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

  • What's a Tennessee tornado and a Texas divorce have in common?

    Someone's gonna lose a trailer.

  • Why was the doctor so stressed out?

    He lost his patients...

  • What do you call a matador who lost to the bull?

    A mat'o'gore.

  • What do you call someone who lost an election by 2 million votes?

    Mr. President.

  • What did Jesus do to lose weight?


  • How are one night stands like savings accounts?

    you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

  • Why did the Scarecrow lose the debate?

    All he had was a straw-man argument."

  • What do you call a slightly incomplete Yahtzee set?

    Pair o' Dice Lost"

  • Why was the doctor stressed?

    He was losing his patients

  • What do a hurricane a tornado a fire and a divorce have in common?

    They are four ways you can lose your house!

  • How did Jared lose 40 pounds?

    He dumped his girlfriend

  • Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks?


  • What is the best way to lose money?

    A: Lend it to Greece.

  • What do you call a drummer who has lost one of his drumsticks?

    A conductor.

  • Who lost the American Presidential Debate?


  • How did the rainbow know is was lost?

    It was a clear day

  • Why did the angel lose her job?

    She had harp failure.

  • What did the Mississippi girl say when she lost her virginity?

    Get off me Daddy you're crushin' my cigarettes.

  • What device did Jared Fogle use to keep track of his exercise progresswhen he lost over 200 pounds on the Subway diet?

    A pedometer

  • What does Pittsburgh have in common with Peter Pan?

    The Pirates always lose.

  • Why can't the Muslim crossdresser feed his family?

    He lost hijab.

  • Why did Steve Jobs lose on the X Factor?

    because Sam sung better than him

  • What did one atom say to the other?

    I lost an electron..." The other atom asks "Are you sure " First atom replies, "I'm positive!"

  • How do witches lose weight?

    They join weight witches.

  • How are children like cellphones?

    If youve lost one and havent found it in a couple days, chances are its probably dead.

  • What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

    They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

  • What did daddy fish do when mommy fish got herself lost?

    He flounder

  • What do you call a nun that is lost?

    A Roamin' Catholic

  • Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

    They keep getting lost at sea.

  • What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?


  • Why did Caitlyn Jenner lose custody rights of her kids?

    Her kids couldn't see her anymore, she was a trans-parent.

  • Who did the pirate lose his virginity to?

    His first mate.

  • Why did the elk cry at the funeral?

    He had lost a deer friend

  • How did Chad Kroeger lose a quarter?

    Everyone who bought his tickets wanted their nickelback

  • What's the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado?

    Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer *shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams

  • Why don't turkey vultures ever lose their luggage?

    They only ...

  • What kind of cheese is best to watch Lost with?

    Smoked Muenster.

  • What do you call an aardvark that's just lost a fight?

    A vark!

  • Why was Santa in the asylum?

    He lost his SANTAty

  • What do you call a man who has lost the lower parts of his legs, but still somehow has his feet?


  • Why did Sally drop her ice cream?

    She got hit by a bus. Why did Sally fall off the swing? She lost her arms when she was hit by a bus. Why did Sally not get back on the swing? She also lost her legs. Knock knock Who's there? Not Sally. What did Sally get for Christmas? I don't know, she couldn't open it.

  • What's the only thing you can say when the Chinese Restaurant over booked your reservation?

    Welp. You dim sum, you lose some

  • What did Alex Trebek say when he was about to lose his job?

    My career is in Jeopardy!"

  • Why can't the band Def Leppard make music anymore?

    They all lost their hearing

  • What's the first thing a hillbilly says after losing her virginity?

    Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes.

  • Why was the banker bored?

    Because he lost interest in everything.

  • What do you call a white man who never lose in the boxing ring?

    The referee

  • Why did the man lost in the woods catch fire?

    He was heading west.

  • What happens to an air conditioner when you pull its plug?

    A: It loses its cool.

  • What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints?

    With a track-tor!

  • What do you do if you lose all the information on your computer?

    Ask the NSA for a backup.

  • Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?

    To a retail store.

  • Why did the witch lose her way?

    Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.

  • How did Tom Brady's feel after losing to the Broncos?


  • Why do shoes get sad... Why do shoes get sad when they lose their matching shoe?

    Because they lost their solemate

  • What do you call a man who loses pounds for a living?

    A bad gambler

  • Where do I lose my Arab friends?

    I don't have any Arab friends, so it doesn't matter.

  • What did people call Putin after he lost an arm?


  • Who lost the presidential debate?

    We Americans

  • Where did the Gingerbread man lose his leg?

    He lost it back in the 'Nom War

  • How did the Italians lose WWII?

    They ordered ziti instead of shells.

  • What do you call a lost Asian man?


  • What do you call a person who has lost all hope?

    A: Linus

  • What happened when the owl lost his voice ?

    He didn't give a hoot !

  • What's an old carpenter's biggest issue?

    Losing teeth.

  • Why did the banker leave his job?

    he lost interest

  • What's not there when you get into an argument, but there when you lose the argument?

    The door.

  • What's the difference between a Lamborghini and dead babies?

    I didn't lose my virginity in the back of a Lamborghini.

  • What do you call a pirate who is lost at sea and has to drink his own pee to survive?

    Aarrrrrrr Kelly!

  • What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend?

    I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain.

  • How did Jared lose 150lbs?

    He kicked two 7-year-olds out of his bed.

  • What did the starfish say when it realized that it lost it's ability to regenerate limbs?

    I can't remember.

  • Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?

    He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

  • Why is a redneck wedding and a tornado alike?

    Because either way someone is losing a trailer.

  • What's the best way for an American to lose weight?

    Gamble in British currency.

  • What did the Mtis people think of the look on Stephen Harper's face when he lost the election?

    They though it was Riel funny!

  • Why can't Redditors lose their virginity?

    They can never get further than the tip!

  • How did the drunk Irish man lose 30$?

    He bet 10$ on the soccer game and 20$ on the replay.

  • How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute?

    Go to England and buy something

  • Why did the mortgage broker go out of business?

    Because he lost interest.

  • How do fish lose weight?

    They Swim-fast.

  • Whats the difference between a dead baby and a bag of cocaine?

    Eric Clapton never lost a bag of coke out the window.

  • Where do dogs go when they lose their tail?

    The retail store.

  • What's the similarity between Divorce and tornados in the Midwest?

    Someone's losing their trailer

  • Why did Oscar Pistorius lose his court case?

    He hadn't got a leg to stand on.

  • How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook?

    Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.

  • What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?

    A retail store.

  • How did Jared Fogle lose so much weight?

    because he chose from the kids menu

  • What does an orphan and a bottle of champagne have in common?

    They both lost their pop.

  • Why did Gandhi lose the race?

    I guess he got his fasts mixed up.

  • What is the similarity between tornadoes and divorces in Kentucky?

    either way, someone is losing a trailer.

  • What's long and black?

    every day How did Hellen Keller lose her virginity Someone left a plunger in the toilet

  • Why did the double arm amputee unsubscribe from r/jokes?

    He lost his sense of humerus.

  • Why did North Korea lose Internet?

    Because they switched to Comcast.

  • Why did the dolphin run away from home to start a new life?

    He felt he had lost his sense of porpoise.

  • What did the Metis people think of the look on Stephen Harper's face when he lost the election?

    They though it was Riel funny!

  • What did the Puerto Rican dish say when he lost his Android?

    Where'd mofongo?

  • Why do mimes always lose arguments?

    They don't have a say in anything!

  • What does a 12 year old redneck girl say when she loses her virginity?

    Get off me dad, you're crushing my smokes!

  • What does a tornado and a red-neck divorce have in common?

    Either way someone's going to lose a trailer.