Lot Jokes
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What's the difference between a race car and a woman?
One costs a lot of money to maintain, keep running, and give you the results you want. The other has four wheels.
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Why are fish so educated?
Because a lot of them are in schools.
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Why did the man invest in the kilovolt battery?
He thought it had a lot of potential.
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Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.
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How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A lot, apparently. Have you seen their new building?
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How do locomotives know where they're going?
Lots of training
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What does Facebook and a conversation between two teenagers have in common?
A lot of likes
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Why is the sea so strong?
It has a lot of mussels.
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How do you know Bono is selfish?
He does a lot of Pro-Bono work.
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How many Mexican clowns can you fit in a car?
No, seriously. Cuz I bet it's a lot
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What's the difference between RPGs and Drunken Style Kung Fu?
In the first, you must drink a lot of liquids before battle, but in the latter, you only pretend.
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Why do pigs like February 14th?
They get lots of Valenswines.
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What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill?
One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.
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What did the Math book say to the pencil?
I see your point I've got a lot of problems.
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What do you get if you cross a monster with a flea?
Lots of very worried dogs.
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What did the car said to the valet?
I've been through a lot.
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What did Woody say to Buzz?
A lot. There were 3 movies.
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When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight ?
When they had lots of sleepless knights !
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What do you have to know to be an auctioneer?
Lots
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Why did the superhero make a lot of shredded cheese?
It was for the grater good.
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What does Gwen Stefani say when it rains a lot in California?
No Drought.**
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What do you call a German who cringes a lot?
Vince
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Who ate a lot and conquered Rome?
Atilla the Hungry.
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How do bunny rabbits like their beer brewed?
With lots of hops!
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What have Disney and the U.K. got in common?
Both dropped the EU And screwed over a lot of people
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How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A lot, apparently. Have you seen their new building?
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Why do Spanish beaches have a lot of women?
Cos they're playas.
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Why are rabbits like calculators?
They both multiply a lot.
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Why is my algebra textbook so sad?
It has a lot of problems.
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Why doesn't the ant ever get sick?
He has lots of antibodies.
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What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A panda with a set of drums.
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What will men do for pleasure at that time?
God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.
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What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?
Gluten Tag And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread Flour power And when a lot of people do it at the same time a rye-ot
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Why was the haunted mansion self conscious?
Because it got a lot of creepy stairs. FML.
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Why can't Bernie Sanders win the election?
Because 12 year olds can't vote. Edit: I'm actually somewhat of a Bernie supporter, I'm just joking about how he has a lot of youth backing him.
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What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus?
You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!
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Why are ghosts always dehydrated?
They have a lot of boos but no water
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What's this bit here?
NURSE: ...his heart ME: Hm. NURSE: Your resume said you were a surgeon ME: My resume says a lot of things
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Why has Venus been so distant lately?
Mars answers "shes been under a lot of pressure and has really bad gas"
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How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape?
He does lots of bare-obics.
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How did the scientist like his guacamole?
With lots of Avogadro!
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How do locomotives know where they're going?
Lots of training.
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Why are burglars such good tennis players ?
Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !
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What did the electrician say while swimming across a river?
Oh my God, that's a lot of current!"
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How did the hail stone describe it's life?
It really has a lot of ups and downs
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What does The Lion King have a lot of?
Simbalism
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What does a depressed girl do when she needs to get a lot of work done?
She takes Sadderall.
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What do you call a rapper who masterbates a lot?
Lil Wayne-ker
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What do you get when you mix an octopus and a Mexican?
I don't know, but it sure can wash a lot of dishes.
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What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller ?
A computer with a lot of bites !
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What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?
Lots.
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Why do black people wear lots of chains?
It's a habit that stuck from when they were slaves.
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Why did Lot leave his wife?
She became salty.
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Why was Beethoven making a lot of money?
His property was Fur Elise
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What do you call a lamington that weighs a lot?
A lamingTON!
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Why does Yoda like having a lot of things to do?
It makes his Dagobah faster.
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How did Camelot get its name?
Guinevere liked to hump a lot.
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Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust?
He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans. *You love it.*
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Why do pigs love Halloween?
There's lots of hogsgobblin.
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Why do Klingons feel very little pain?
They produce a lot of endworfins.
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How many bricks do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, but you're going to need a lot of patience and light bulbs.
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Why was the diamond depressed?
He had been under a lot of pressure lately.
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Why do men like love at first site?
A. It saves them a lot of time.
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Why aren't kids under the age of 18 allowed to watch videos about duck calls without the consent of a parent?
Because they contain a lot of fowl language.
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Why do herb pickers have so many hobbies?
They've got a lot of thyme on their hands
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What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?
Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.
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What was the last thing Daedalus said to Icarus?
You've got a lot of potential, son."
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How do you manage to stay in shape?
Witch 2: "I get a lot of hexercise."
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Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?
He had a lot of cache.
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What has dual airbags and has lots of room?
A: The White House.
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What's your favorite medical joke?
I've memorized a lot of jokes from a previous "doctor joke" thread, and need some fresh material!
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What do you call an Asian who breaks a lot of wind?
Fa Ting
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How did the muslim get cancer?
By smoking a lot of fags.
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What do you call a dog with a lot of friends?
Pawpular!
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How are doctors so well tempered even under heavy stress?
They have a lot of patients
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Why is taking spanish 2 so awesome?
You get a lot of puse.
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What's a good thing about a novelist conman?
He may have a lot of cons, but he also has a lot of prose.
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What do you call a rabbit with lots of fleas?
Bugs Bunny.
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Why was the ghost sad?
A lot of different reasons.
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What does a boat have in common with a ballsack?
They both have a lot of seamen
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Why are cigarette taxes such a safe bet right now?
One way or the other, there's going to be a lot of smoking over the next four years.
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Why did the Redditors like when a tornado hit a fence?
There was a lot of reposting to do
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Why does Willem Dafoe play a villain in a lot of movies?
Duh. Cause he's da foe.
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Why are rich people so concerned with etiquette?
Because they have a lot of manors.
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Why do a lot of tech recruiters have herpes?
Because they look for contributors to open sores.
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What should you do if windows crashes cost you a lot of money?
A: You should bill Gates.
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What do you calla brown guy that asks a lot of question?
A curry-ous guy
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What career choice to hippies usually pick?
Chemistry, because there is lots of acid involved.
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How do you know Stephen Hawking has jungle fever?
He knows a lot about black holes
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What is a toad's favorite kind of beer?
One with a lot of hops.
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What did the diligent whore get for Christmas?
lots and lots of karma
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What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?
You have a lot of appeal."
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What did the blonde's left leg say to the right leg?
Between us, I think we can make a lot of money!"
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Why was the ink happy?
Because it had its in-de-pen-dance. I'm posting lots of really bad jokes tonight that just appear in my head, if just one person enjoys just one joke is worth it, good evening.
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Why do you need patience at the gym?
Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.
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What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a cat.
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What do you call an intersection where a lot of Asians cross?
A cross-wok.
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Why do elephants do well in school ?
Because they have a lot of grey matter !
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What does a fashionable criminal always make sure they have a lot of?
Accessories
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What did the author of The Lord Of The Rings say after he completed his books?
If you like dialogue, theres a whole lot of Tolkein.
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Why are doctors always calm?
They have a lot of patients. Sorry.
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How do you write an essay that blows people away?
With lots of drafts
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What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
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What do you calla person that inherits a lot of money?
A millionheir.
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What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog
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Why do priests have lots of kids?
They always use the holy condoms.
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What did the painter say to the paint can?
A lot of good you are . (the joke is that the paint can is empty)
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What did one math book say to the other?
A: Man I got a lot of problems!
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Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?
Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".
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How much for this melted ghost?
Sir that's a bed sheet "You have a lot of them! And they're packaged IS THIS GHOST HELL" This is a Macys
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What do Mexican parents and good reddit comments have in common?
They have lots of children.
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What do you get when you cross a pig with an elephant?
A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
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What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves?
Your mom.
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What do women and the stock market have in common?
If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.
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When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special. Wanna know why?
They are out standing in the field
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What is a childs's favourite type of Halloween candy?
Lots a candy.
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Why does the mushroom have a lot of friends?
He's a fungi
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How Does Snoop Dogg Do His Laundry?
He uses a lot of BLEAYOTCH!
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What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?
A: "The C" COMMENT A JOKE BELOW!
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Why are there a lot of problem gamblers in the Harry Potter universe?
Because they have a quidditch.
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Why the turnout at Michael Jackson's funeral?
He touched a lot of people.
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Why do whales have really good immune systems?
They consume a lot of vitamin SEA!
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Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties?
Because there is lots of school spirit!
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What makes cows and horses so valuable?
They have a lot of moo/neigh.
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What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone?
I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone
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What do you call a woman who wants lots of compensation?
Sue.
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Why is a doctor always calm?
He got a lot of patients
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How many years of experience do you have?
50 - Really You are 40 years old - I had lots of overtime
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How much rest does a bad Sheppard get?
Not a ton, he has a lot of sheepless nights.
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Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up?
He had a lot of aspirations.
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What does a high school dance have in common with the parking lot at a Keith Urban concert?
Lots of bad pickup lines.
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How did the rooster get a lot of chicks?
A lot of good yolks!
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What do you call a Welshman who writes lots of letters ?
Pen Gwyn !
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What do your mom and Poland have in common?
a lot of countries have been inside her.
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Why is school in Mexico a lot harder?
Because they have a lot of ese's
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How did the redditor get lots of downvotes?
What is a pirate's favourite letter
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What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer?
One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.
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Why shouldn't you talk to someone with a brain tumor?
because they've got a lot on their mind.
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How many bricks do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, but you're going to need a lot of patience and light bulbs.
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What is Facebook?
Its a Place where Boy posts a JOKE and Gets no Response & If a Girl Posts the same JOKE , She gets Hundreds of likes , comments and Friend Requests and Lots of PM's .
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How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?
A Lot.
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What do you call someone who makes a lot of money through deforestation of the Amazon?
A Brazillionaire!
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What should you do if you get lots of e-mails saying 'What's up Doc?
What's up Doc ' Check for bugs in your system.
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Why did the big pig want to go on stage?
There was a lot of ham in him.
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Where do pigs park their cars?
In porking lots.
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How do you know your boyfriend loves you?
SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and kisses.
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What do you call someone with lots of imaginary friends?
Schizofriendic
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What US state has a lot of dirty laundry?
Washington
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How did jesus get so fit?
He did lots of cross fit
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Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
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How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
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What do you call a guy in a lot of debt?
Owen.
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What is the best thing to do with lots of Dutch cheeses?
Edam...
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Why was the math book sad?
It had a lot of problems
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How many tries does it take to get to the front page?
A LOT.
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What do you get when you mix a Mexican and an octopus?
I don't know, but it sure can wash a lot of dishes.
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What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?
If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.
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Why shouldn't you bowl against a snake?
Because snakes make lots of strikes.
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What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone ?
A lot of crackling on the line !
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Why's he happy?
He got dog-piled. Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down. Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
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Why did the tree have lots of fans?
Because he was Poplar!
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What do you say about a pig who acquires a lot of cash?
He's making bankon.
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What do you call a Chinese speaking person who complains a lot?
wo ai ni
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What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?
Barns and no-bulls. (This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)
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What do you call a promiscuous woman who travels a lot?
Abroad.
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What do you call a lot of cactus?
A cac-ton
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How do you make a hippopotamus float?
2 hippos and a LOT of root beer.
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What has two holes and smells a lot?
Your nose
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Why do cows never walk out of horror movies?
They're able to stomach a lot.
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Why are women like magazines?
They have a lot of issues
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What is 007's favorite subject at school?
Chemistry, because he knows a lot about bonds!
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What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
Between the two of us we can make a lot of money.
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How's my life?
Let's just say I'm starting a lot of sentences with "let's just say".
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What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
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What's the difference between a telemarketer and a man with a multiphobic personality?
One gets lots of annoyed hangups, the other has a lot of annoying hangups.
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How does Planned Parenthood paint their walls?
They go to Home Depot, get paint and rollers Sometimes they hire private contractors Lots of paint and tarps and tape, it's not that fun
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Why did Jared go to a Goat farm?
Why did Jared go to a Goat farm? He heard there was lots of Kids there.
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Why did the guy get aroused by the highway?
Because there were lots of turn ons.
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Why are frogs on the endangered species list?
Because they croak a lot!
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How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
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Why are dogs in a lot of pain?
Because they chew balls.
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Why don't paperclips move around a lot?
They like being stationery.
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What do the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
They both swallow a lot of seamen. Ahh stupid jokes. They never get old.
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How many dogs does it take to count 14 plates?
14, maybe 15, but only if the plates ... 'run around a lot!'
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What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What is your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.
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What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months?
A: An Apple turnover.
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What do you call the offspring of a black man and an octopus?
I don't know but it sure can pick a lot of cotton.
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Why do we need to go to college?
Student: Why do we need to go to college? Teacher: So we can get a high paying job Student: Why do we need a high paying job Teacher: So we can get lots of money Student: Why do we need lots of money Teacher: So we can pay off our college loans