Love Jokes
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Why is DJ Khaled so good at music?
He loves major keys.
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What do you call The Bear who loves philosophy?
winnie the Philosopooh
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What's your favourite colour?
I love green 'cos it reminds me of blue.
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Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.
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What did the lesbian rattlesnake say to Hillary after they finished making love?
You know, they're right . . . we do taste like chicken!"
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Why do mathematicians love talking about Jesus?
Because he's a cross product.
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Why did Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond never get a divorce?
She didn't want an ex Ray Edit: I meant debra
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Why do orphans like tennis?
Only place they can get love
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Why does a walrus love Tupperware?
Because he's always looking for a tight seal.
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Why can't you trust a garbage man who loves his job?
Because he's always talking trash.
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Why do hipsters love Harrison Ford?
Because he's Indie!
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Why did you make women so beautiful?
God:"So you would love her." Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb " God:"So she would love you."
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What do you get when a Mexican and Muslim have a child?
A kid who loves halalpenos
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Who should get the cat?
I don't know...let's see who he loves the most" 3 weeks later Can you tell "Nope"
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What do you call a person who loved tractors but doesn't any more?
An extractor fan
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What do calculators do when they love each other?
They multiply!
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Why do meth heads love Halloween?
Three sleeps 'till Christmas!
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Who sings "Love me tender" and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis.
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Why did the bishop love Walmart?
Coz the boys pants are all half off.
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What did one amorous flea say to the other?
I love you aw-flea.
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Why did the SpaceX rocket explode?
because I don't love you anymore.
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What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop Me: Yeah me too thinking of something to say to impress her Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
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What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and your mom?
Biggie loves it when you call him Big Poppa, while your mom just loves it when you call.
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Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife?
Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her
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Why do Russians love pho?
Because they're SO-VIET
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What tattoo should I get?
TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection. ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.
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What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?
After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."
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What did the zit say to the other zit while they were making love?
Yeah you like that you dirty pore
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Why can't Chinese people tie their shoes?
I would love to tell you, but I am afraid the answer is a little bit lacist.
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Why do men like love at first sight?
Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
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What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
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Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!
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What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love?
A stupid Cupid!
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What does a man call a gorilla he loves?
Haram Bae
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Why couldn't Cain make God love him?
Because he wasn't
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Why does Black Widow love sitting on Captain America's shield?
Because it's made out of vibranium.
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Why can't Vader find a steady relationship?
He keeps looking for love in Alderaan places
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Why do orphans like playing tennis?
Because its the only love they get.
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What would Arnold Schwarzenegger say if you asked him his favorite holiday?
You have to love easter, baby." (OC)
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Why do people love working at yogurt factories?
Because of the culture!
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What's the difference between love and hate?
A) Usually about 6 months.
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Why do rednecks love sandwiches?
Because they're inbred too.
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What did Serena say to Venus before they faced off in the US Open?
In tennis, love means nothing.
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Why was everyone saying such kind, loving words to the man?
The man was a corpse being buried forever.
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Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras?
If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.
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Why do black men weep when they make love to white women?
Mace.
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What is the worst joke you have ever Heard?
I'll start it off: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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What do you call an astronaut who loves himself?
A NASAccist!
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What can you say about a car and not a girl/your gf?
It's easy to turn on, and even though it's eleven, I still love her.
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Why should you never date a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them.
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Who Deserves Love"?
ME crying: Hahaha
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Why do drug dealers love muslim people?
Because they always get stoned
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What Do You Call A Group Of Terrorists That Love to Smoke Weed?
HIGH-SIS
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What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!
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Why did Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia never get together?
Because Luke was looking for love in Alderaan places!!
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Where the hell are u?
ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there
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Why does Calvin Harris like reading fairy tales?
He loves a good happy ending
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What's an Xbox fanboys' least favourite film?
P.S. I Love You
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Why does the US love Israel so much?
Because is a raeli good country
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Why do lambs go to casinos?
They love to gambol.
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What's a man?
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom
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Why are there so many women archaeologists?
Because women love digging up the past.
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What's the difference between a tease, a love, and a lust?
Spit, swallow, gargle.
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What do you call a Mexican girl who loves to sleep around?
A Burrithoe
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What does a child with stickers have in common with a cocaine addicted DJ?
They both love to scratch and sniff. (sorry if it's a repost I'm not here often)
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How much do you love me?
Count the stars in the sky and that's how much I love you "But it's so cloudy" *pats her on the head* Yeah I know
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What do Reptiles love to smoke?
Mariguana
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What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader?
I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes ... A FSHHH
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Why did the woman fall in love with the surgeon?
Because he cauterize.
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What's the Easter Bunny's favorite song?
Don't you want some bunny to love"
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Why is the love of a woman with 20 children magical?
Because it feels like a wizard's sleave.
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What's the rule for Twitter crushes?
So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
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Why do so many girls do archaeology degrees?
Because they love digging up the past.
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What happened when Hamlet discovered his love dead?
Necro-Ophelia
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What did the ireshmen say to the beer ?
I love you.....
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What do you call a nosy hot pepper?
Jalapeno business! ha ha.. haha.. ha love this joke (Usually accompanied with three snaps of the fingers in the shape of the letter Z and moving my head from side to side)
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How do programmers say 'I love you!' ?
You are my MSB.
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Why does a priest never get married?
Because they got nun to love them
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What do geeks and nerds love but cant have?
80085
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What's a cow's favourite love song?
When I fall in love it will be for heifer.
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What do you call a guy that hates Christmas and steals the woman you love?
Ebenezer Scrooge-yagirl
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What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
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Why do wrestlers love video games?
Because of the lutte
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What do monkeys sleep on?
Apricots. I used to love this joke when I was a little kid and told it over and over. I'm still a little in love with it for that reason. What are some of your favorite jokes from when you were a little kid?
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What do you call a white asian who loves cola?
Cokeasian.
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Why do women love Satan?
He's down to Earth.
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What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?
You. Why I oughta...! Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!
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What's the best way to make friends?
tell a woman you love her and she says "i think we're just friends..."
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What do you call cute seeds?
Awwwwwwwwwwwwmonds P.S. it's my birthday please love me
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What did Helen Keller say after she finished her bowl of cereal for breakfast?
I may be blind, but I can see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
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What's the procrastinator's favorite song?
Tooomorrow, tomorrow, I love yah, tomorrow.." (You're always a day away)
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What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?
You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you
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Why did Mary Magdalen love Jesus?
Because he was hung like this
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What's being in love feel like?
You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway Almost as good as that.
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Why is Jar Jar Binks so lonely?
He's been looking for love in Alderaan places.
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What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love?
It's a Moray."
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Why do rappers love weed so much?
Because the majority of their relatives used to pick it
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Who do people hate and love but is really hot and goes to beach everyday?
Sun of a beach
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When is my wife's favorite day to make love?
Tomorrow
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Which burgers love to act?
Ham-burgers!
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Why do all the ladies love Jesus?
spreads out arms to fullest length) Because he was hung like this.
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What's the thin line between love and hate?
A condom.
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What's roughly 6 inches long, has a head on it, and women love it so much that they often blow it?
A 20 dollar bill
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What do you get with a corduroy condom?
A groovy kind of love.
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What famous painting do cows love to look at?
The Moona Lisa!
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What did Casper say to his girlfriend?
I love you, boo!!
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What do you love most my natural beauty or my body?
Wife: Your sense of humor.
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Whats the difference between love, ture love, and showing off?
spit, sallow, and gargle.
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What do I love about living in Switzerland?
The flag is a big plus.
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What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?
They both love to crack open a cold one.
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How do you know if someone truly loves fast food?
It has a special place in their hearts
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Why did everyone love the fisherman?
He was a real catch
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What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
A stega-snore-us.
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Why do pirates prefer black women?
They love booty.
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What do you call an ISIS member who loves himself?
A nISISist
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What happens when two smurfs are in love?
They smuck
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What did the necrophile say to his ex-girlfriend?
I only loved you for your body!"
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Why do pirates love football so much?
Cus they love to count YAAAARds.
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What'll it be, love?
The woman replies, "I'll take a double entendre." So he gave it to her.
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Why don't tennis players get married?
Because to them love means nothing.
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What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
I love you with all my art!"
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What did one nose say when the other nose said "I love you"?
Back achoo!"
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What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it?
A balloon animal!
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What is the official bird of love?
The Swallow.
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Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?
And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?
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What's one thing you hated as a kid but love as an adult?
Molestation.
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How do you measure love?
In hertz!
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What do you call an octopus that loves jokes?
A knock-knocktopus.
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What's 6" long and women love it?
100$ bill.
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Why do people love their smartphones so much?
Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)
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How do you get herpes of the eye ball?
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
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How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways... Five.
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Who's there ! Baby ! Baby who ?
Baby love my baby love.... !
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Who Loves Debates?
De fishes
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Which Greek God loved to collect animals?
Zoos
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Where do chicken strips find love?
Chicken tinder Thank you, to Popeye's Louisiana Kitchen's official Instagram for this gem
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What Video Game do feminists LOVE to play?
No MAN'S sky!
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Why did the girltree fall in love with the boy tree?
He was sappy
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Why Do Women Love Jesus?
He was well hung and super into cross fitting!
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How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?
I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "
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Why do chemists love bad jokes?
Their jobs get a lot easier when there are no reactions
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What does cats and festival attendees have in common?
They both love using the toilet right after it's been cleaned.
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Why does Jared love 6-inch subs?
He doesn't, he likes 14-year old girls
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Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?
Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."
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What do you call a dog who loves to be dominated?
A sub woofer. Thank you & God Bless
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Why do pigs love Halloween?
There's lots of hogsgobblin.
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Why do clumsy people get married?
They fall in love.
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What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?
To catch a predator. Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5? Because they can't even! Why do white people have so many pets? Because owning people is not legal anymore Would love to hear more white people-specific jokes :) They seem to be really rare.
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Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with ?
The girl necks door.
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Why did the schoolteacher who was in love with head of the school take out a loan with the bank?
A: Because she had an interest in the principal.
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Why did EA remove gender restrictions in The Sims 4?
They're just doing their small part, because EA loves micro trans actions.
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Why Do Ranchers Love Getting A Sore Throat?
Because they always get a little hoarse
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Why is wintertime love making in Scandinavia dangerous?
Your tongue might get stuck to a Pole.
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Why would two melons in love hate their parents?
Because they cantaloupe. =D.....=).....=='(
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How much does Jesus love you?
Thiiiiiiis much. (Must be said while arms are raised out to side)
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Which Dinosaurs love electricity?
Bulbasaurs
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Why do married men love golf so much?
Because it's not the same three holes over and over again.
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What did the Asian guy say when he was caught sleeping with another man's wife?
Me love you wrong time.
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Why did Darwin love CSS?
Because children inherit properties from their parents.
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How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don't know. Olive ewe Her: I knew you'd say it first! I love you too! Entrapment 101
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What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
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Why does everyone love Plato?
Because he loved Dogs and he had two sons named Plato and Socrates
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Why did Michael Jackson love Beethoven's 3rd symphony?
It was done in A minor.
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Where did I get my scarf?
It's a CVS receipt. You love it Oh thank you very much.
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Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.
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Who does the butcher look forward to seeing after a tough day at work?
His loving knife.
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What's love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!
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How do you know Jesus loves Japanese food?
Because he said he loves miso.
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What is your location?
Me: And you're to blame 911: Pardon Me: You give love a bad name 911: I'm hanging up
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What kind of a friar loves philosophy?
A deep friar.
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Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love?
If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.
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Why do Americans deep fry so much food?
A. They love OIL
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What's your opener?
JESUS: "God loves you." You BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
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How do you know your boyfriend loves you?
SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and kisses.
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How can you tell if someone loves bacon?
Don't worry, they'll tell you that stupid vegan joke.
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What do you call a surfer who loves Muhammad?
A radicalized Muslim braaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Who loves hamburgers French fries and ants?
Ronald MacAardvark!
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What is the difference between love and lust?
Spiiting and swallowing.
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What do you call a man who loves a woman for her brains?
A zombie.
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What sort of aircraft does the Asian pilot who loves to greet people fly?
A herrocopter
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Why did the little pig try to join the Navy?
He loved to sing "Oinkers Aweight"
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How does an optometrist make love?
Better like this ... or better like this
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What breed of dog loves to take a bath?
A shampoodle
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What do you call a soda in love?
A Crush
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Why do women love men who work with Horses?
Because those men have got Stable jobs.
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What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
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What is the definition of 'making love'?
Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.
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What's six inches long that women love?
Folding money.
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Why do women love chocolate?
Because it's the only time 'rich' and 'dark' are used to describe the same thing.
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What's your funniest yet least known joke?
I have a friend that absolutely loves cheesy, question and answer jokes and I wanna make a card with a list of them! The problem is that she knows just about every joke known to man so I challenge you to give me hilarious, short jokes that aren't very widely known. Make me laugh!
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What's the key to finding love?
Rohypnol
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Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day...
He loves his pot.
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What do you call a building that falls in love with its architect?
Edifice Rex
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Why do geologists love sandwiches in the field?
Because they can get their whole grains.
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Why do sheep love Star Wars Episode V?
Because Dey-go-bah.
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What's the worst part of being bipolar?
The fact you love it.
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Where do Koalas love to go for a holiday?
Koala Lumpur.
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What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
Everyone thinks it's 'R', but his first love be the 'C'.
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Why did the peace-loving incandescent bulb reject the candle and choose the fluorescent lamp as role model?
The fluorescent lamp wouldn't hurt a fly.
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What's 9 inches long, purple, and I love to shove it down my girlfriend's throat?
Her miscarriage.
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Why do hipsters love 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'?
because it was the first Indie film.
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What happens when a question mark and an exclamation mark love each other very much?
They interrobang!(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang)
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What is something a woman hates about a man but a man would love about a woman?
Premature ejactulation.
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What do you call a Jihadist that loves turkey?
A Tryptophanatic.
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What do you call an affectionate rabbit?
A tender loving hare.
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Why did the little piglet fall in love with the hog?
Because he was such a sloppy dresser.
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Why do men like love at first site?
A. It saves them a lot of time.
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What did the dyslexic kid say to his parents at Christmas?
I love Satan
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Why do walruses just love a Tupperware party?
Theyre always on the lookout for a tight seal.
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Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk
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What did the wife say as she left her Mexican husband?
I'm sorry but I love another Juan.
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Why does everyone love cats?
A: They're purr-fect!
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What did the English man say when he walked in on his wife making love to three men?
Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
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What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
I love you a ton!"
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Why I love duct tape?
It can turn "No, no no!" into "mmph, mmmph, mmmph"
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Why did the T-Rex's girlfriend leave him?
Because he said he only loved her this much (hold out t-rex like arms) Sorry this one requires a bit of a visual, but I thought you guys might like it
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What did the butcher say to the cow?
I love you for your inner beauty.
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What is about 6 in long, has a head, girls love to blow it, and is in a guys pants?
a dollar bill you dirty minded people!! LMFAO
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What does the Scottish man say after love making?
I love ewe!
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What are 2 girl chickens that fall in love?
A. Lesbi-hens
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What did the pirate's ghost say to his girlfriend?
I love your Boo-ty
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Who is that Idiot..?
If Boy is in love - His parent Ask: Idiot, Who is that Girl.. Moral :: No matter who ever is in love... Boys Are Always Idiot :P (LOL)
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Why do Canadians love Syrian Refugees?
more moslem guys who can convert canadian girls to islam. What a deal!
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What do you call a reptile that loves putting things in groups?
a segreGATOR
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Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Because it's the first Indy movie.
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What do you call a dark wizard that loves to give hickeys?
a necromancer
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What's does an extractor fan sound like?
I used to love tractors
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Why is Paris the city of love?
Hard P and a soft A. Modified from comment section of reddit
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What do seal hunters and teens have in common?
They both love clubbin'
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Why did everyone love the mushroom at the party?
He was a fungi.
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Why do Japanese people love mechs so much?
Because of all the metal in their brains.
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What do you call two couches that are in love with each other?
Homosectionals.
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How do you know if you've fallen in love with an apple from France?
Your heart goes "pomme pomme ... pomme pomme ..."
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What do you call a Kryptonian who loves popcorn?
Kern-el
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How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?
Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.
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Why do neckbeard dentists love Cats the musical?
Because m'cavity.
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Why'd you call me Aphrodite?
After the Greek goddess of love" Kid 2: What about me pop "You're named after a famous chipmunk Alvin"
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Why did the table love playing volleyball?
Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.
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What are the three words you dread the most while making love?
Honey, I'm home."
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Why are so many ghosts alcoholics?
Because they love BOOOOoooOOoOoOoooooooze!!
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What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?
Eggnog-stic.
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Why did the melon get married in a church?
Because he was in love with a cantaloupe.
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Why do Hippies love Didgeridoo?
It is as close as they can get to making love to a tree.
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Why do some people love their VW diesel cars?
Well, it's the official car of the New England Patriots after all.
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Why do the Dutch people love..... Why do the Dutch people love the Belgian-jokes so much?
They are cheap.
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What happened when a man fell in love with a grand piano?
He said "Darling you've got lovely teeth."
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What do you call 2 metalheads falling in love?
A match maiden heaven
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When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?
Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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Why do women love Jordan Spieth?
Because he came second.
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What's the difference between love, pure love and excessive love?
Blowing Swallowing Gargeling
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How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth- GF: glares ME: He's old enough for the facts, Jane
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Why don't owls make love in the rain?
Because it's too wet to woo.
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What's the same about Mexican and Black people?
Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal. (Sorry if you're offended, I love all races.)
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Why do Rednecks love cheeseburgers?
Because they are in bread.
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What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
You can mash potatoes, but you can't pee soup. (sorry sorry. Really. I've loved this joke since I was... oh.. six...)
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Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?
I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
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When pianists fall in love what is their favourite position ?
the four hands (you dirty minds)
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Who loves fast food?
Jared fogle
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What do cannonballs do when they fall in love?
They make bbs
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What kind of eel is this?
Diner at the sushi restaurant: "What kind of eel is this?" Waiter: "Do you love it?" Diner: "yeah" Waiter: "Then, that's a moray"
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What type of music do astronauts love?
Neptunes!
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What did you hear about the tree who was in love?
He pined everyday.
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Why did Einstein stop seeing his mistress?
She fell in love and he didn't anticipate entanglement
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Why does God love atheists?
Because they don't bother Him with incessant prayer.
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Which author do the Gorillas love most?
Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!'
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Why do the ladies love Jesus?
This joke makes more sense if you can see it in person, but we'll give it a shot, anyway. Use your imagination. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he was hung like this!
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When someone says something was made with "love" what exactly does that mean?
Did they jerk one off into the center of my cupcake
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How do we know burgers love young people?
They're pro-teen!
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What is Reddits favorite country?
Chi-LE!!!!!!!!!! My girlfriend came up with that one hope u guys love it as much as I do!!!!! :)
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What does love mean to a tennis player?
Nothing
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Why German Loves Americans why do Germans love Americans?
because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.
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What Bird?
Which bird symbolizes love? Swallow.
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What did the Jamaican man say when asked why he didn't mind going to jail for stealing the Pikachu card?
I love the pokey, mon.
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How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?
Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.
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Why do fencers love Reddit?
Because of all the *ripostes*
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Why does Britain love tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
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Why could Luke and Leia never be together?
They went looking for love in Alderaan places.
-
Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love?
A: They got married in the spring.
-
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
-
What kind of music do phones love to hear?
A symphony
-
How do you get herpes viral infection of the eye?
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
-
Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them.
-
Why are pirates never scared of a storm?
Because they love torrents.
-
What's a parrot's favourite song?
I love Parrots in the Springtime!
-
What do farts and children have in common?
You love your own, but hate everyone else's.
-
Why are the ladies thirsty so thirsty for my love?
It's Minute Made
-
How can you tell elephants love to travel ?
They are always packing their trunk !
-
Why did the young Mexican solve the problem so easily?
It was a no buena My girlfriend is Mexican so I love Mexican jokes. Let me know if you have one!
-
Why do people say love is like chemistry?
Because you can put it in someones drink
-
What did the Melon King say to the two young melons in love?
They can't-elope.
-
Why do demons love apostrophes?
They show possession.
-
Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers.
-
What was Bernie Sander's favorite topic in mathematics?
Radicals. He loved finding the "root" of problems...
-
How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much?
Because they built their stuff with reads!
-
What do you call a wine loving horse?
Chardon-neigh.
-
Why does Jay Z love Christmas?
Because he's the best wrapper alive.
-
What's black and white . . . What's black and white and loves kids?
Michael Jackson
-
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
-
Why does Jesus like Japanese food?
Because he loves miso
-
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
He Neverlands. I really love this joke because it never grows old!
-
Why do gingers love driving Kias?
It's the only way they can own a soul.
-
Why did the blonde make love in the microwave?
A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.
-
What's a pirate's favorite programming language?
You might think it's R, but his first love has always been the C.
-
What do you call a cat in love?
Romeow
-
Why do I love putting down kids without parents?
Cause endorphins make me feel good.
-
Why do blck men cry when they make love to white women?
Mace...
-
Why are monkeys pedantic?
Because they love nitpicking.
-
What's the difference between "like", "love" and "showing off"?
Spit, Swallow and Gargle.
-
What do cannibals call family members they love?
Bae-Kin
-
Why are your eyes dilated?
Me: "Your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love" Mom: "What were you looking at " Me: "Memes"
-
Why does Leonardo DiCaprio love his fast car?
Because he got an award for revvin' it.
-
How much do you love kids?
On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky, how much do you love kids?
-
How do porcupines make love?
Very, very carefully.
-
What's the difference between love and herpes?
Herpes last forever.
-
Why couldn't Princess Leia find love?
She was looking in Alderaan places.
-
Why do stoners love English?
Because it's lit
-
What do Lena Dunham & ISIS have in common ?
They both love stoning women.
-
Why does everyone love when a ghost goes to a party?
Because he always brings the boos
-
Why don't tennis players ever get married?
Because love means nothing to them.
-
What do you call a guy who screams, "I love you, mom!" every time he climaxes?
Me.
-
Where would you find the scientist who loved to f$k dogs?
In the lab.
-
Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs* Me: Why do you find me annoying Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
-
What's the difference between babies and love?
Love doesn't burn. What's worst part about making love to a dead baby. Digging up the coffin. How long does take to play hide and seek with a dead baby? It depends how small the pieces are.
-
What's black and loves to destroy Baltimore?
The Pittsburgh Steelers
-
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spit, swallow, gargle.
-
Why did the pregnant woman love to tell jokes?
Because she had a pun in the oven!
-
What do you call a Parrot that loves maths and hates food?
a polynomeal
-
What is the most common cause of blindness worldwide?
Love.
-
Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear?
Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!
-
Lady: How do I spread love in this cruel world?
Random Dude: [...💘]
-
Why are those two men standing in the spine of that book?
It must need Osteo-per-o-sis" Love it.
-
Why were the welder and stoner such good friends?
They both love to spark up joints.
-
What is the name of the martial arts discipline that the anime girl that you are in love with practices?
Wai fu.
-
Why do NBA players like poultry?
Because they love to slam duck!
-
Who says love is dead?
Necrophiliacs
-
What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?
Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!
-
What do Pink Floyd fans and NASCAR driver Kyle Larson have in common?
They both love The Wall
-
Why do women love the smell of babies so much?
Because 50% of the taste is in the smell.
-
What's the difference between lust, love, and just plain showing off?
Spitting, Swallowing, and gargling.
-
What does your mother and a neckbeard have in common?
They both love Ten D's
-
How are the band "The Scorpions" and rural shepherds alike?
They just wanna be loved by ewe. Made up this joke/pun at work the other day (I'm sure I'm not the first), decided to subject you all to it. All apologies to shepherds who are not physical with your sheep.
-
Why won't Arnold Schwarzenegger upgrade to windows 10?
Because : he still loves vista,baby!
-
Why did the fish sink?
This joke composed by my seriously autistic friend Neil, who LOVES jokes) Because it was a brick.
-
What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved?
Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....
-
What is your best sushi-related joke or pun?
My dad and I are going out for sushi tonight, and he has rescheduled this dinner with me several times for dumb reasons (one night was because he randomly decided to go out drinking instead). Would love to get my revenge by making sushi puns and jokes all night, but Google is failing me--I've only been able to find jokes that either make no sense, or are just not funny at all. Help!
-
What do you do when you love a hotel?
You Mariott
-
What do Lena Dunham & ISIS have in common ?
They both love stoning women.
-
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love.
-
What does a necrophiliac say to confess his love for someone?
You're dead to me"
-
Why did the chicken love Campbell's Soup?
Because his family had stock in the company.
-
What's the difference between love and lust?
About two-hundred dollars." - Johnny Carson
-
What's the bird of love?
The Swallow.
-
Why does Bear Grylls love Bud Light?
It's sterile and he likes the taste.
-
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here. GUY: I love that song. ME: What song
-
What is love?
Baby don't hurt me.
-
Why was Bob Marley fired from being a tennis announcer?
Because he kept calling "One Love"
-
Why does everybody love honey?
Because it never gets old.
-
How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
-
Who's there ! Cugat ! Cugat who ?
Cugat to love my jokes !
-
What do you call an "Asian" that loves using moisturizer?
Laotian.
-
How does a blonde turn on the light after making love?
Opens the car door.
-
Why does all of Jared Fogle's music sound the same?
Because he loves to abuse A Minor.
-
Why are there so many women archeologists?
Because they love digging up the past.
-
What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?
They both love to crack open a cold one.
-
Why do redneck men enjoy Halloween so much?
They love to pump kin.
-
What did the green light say to the red light?
I love you, but I'm sick of yellow light always breaking us up.
-
What do you call an animal with a long neck and a love for oranges?
A Jiraffa.
-
Why does the lead singer of Sublime hate tennis?
Cause love is what I got
-
Why did the girl walk past her crush twice?
He didn't believe in love at first sight.
-
What's your strength?
Candidate: I fall in love easily. Interviewer: What's your weakness? Candidate: Those blue eyes of yours.
-
What did the plant say to the runaway melons in love?
You cantelope!
-
Why does Reddit love Ronda Rousey so much?
she hits women
-
Who's there ! Candace ! Candace who ?
Candace with love !
-
Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust?
He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans. *You love it.*
-
What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother 4yo: Oh Me: What about you 4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies Me: Oh
-
Why do tennis players never get married?
Because Love means nothing to them.
-
How do you know Sia is Scottish?
Because she loves sheep thrills! *shows self out
-
What is your emergency?
Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.
-
Why does it smell so bad in Russia?
Everybody loves Putin!
-
Whats you favorite Christmas joke?
I know this is an unorthodox post, but, I would love to hear your favorites!
-
Why does it take so long for a pro-lifer to screw in a lightbulb?
They love to watch mistakes being made.
-
What kind of fish loves to fix instruments?
A tuna.
-
How many kidnapped children does it take to change a lightbulb?
The parents would love to know.
-
What boy doesn't love milkshakes?
If your asparagus brought em, then I'd be impressed.
-
Why the rabbits love Selena Gomez?
im farting carrots, im farting carrots...
-
What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage?
The energy bill ...
-
Why do Apes love to go to school in bad neighbourhoods?
They like any jungle - even a blackboard jungle!
-
Why does Ellen Pao play so much tennis?
Its the only place she can get love.
-
What is Asia's favourite sitcom?
Everybody loves Ramen.
-
What does the zero say to the eight?
I like your belt. Ok, ok. I know it's elementary, but I still love it.
-
What flower loves to be in the sun?
Sunflower.
-
What do you call the hot tub that two folks just made love in?
H2OOOHHHGG
-
Why do cats love small spaces?
cause pussies gotta be tight
-
What machine do you need to make a girl fall in love with you ?
An ATM machine
-
Why is Oliver North like Kraang?
They both love using the shredder.
-
Why Should You Never Marry A Tennis Player?
Because love means nothing to them!
-
Why did you lead me on a five-state chase?
Driver: I love to travel.
-
Why do orphans play tennis?
It's the only way they can get love.
-
What do you get when you cross a garden, a rabbit, and some ExLax?
For the love of everything sacred on reddit please do not make me actually key the answer....okay, let's say it together, "Salad Shooter".
-
Why did Spock dump his wife?
because William Shatner I know it's old, but I love it so
-
Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?
Because Missouri loves company
-
What's a pirates favourite letter?
You may think it's "Arrr", but nay, his first love be the "C".
-
Why was "what is love" played at a funeral?
Because he had a will, and he haddaway.
-
What's yer Rush Limbaugh?
Get back to me immediately and tell me if you love it or just like it.
-
Why does Daniel love white vans?
Because he likes candy... *I'll walk myself out*
-
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand!
-
What do you call a ghost that loves soccer?
Ghoooooooooooooouuull!
-
Who says you can't make someone love you?
I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.
-
Whats the difference between Love and Herpes?
Your mother didn't give you love.
-
What's the difference between like, love and lust?
Spit Swallow Gargle
-
What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long has a head on it and that women love so much that they often blow it?
A: a $20 bill
-
What type of monster really loves dance music?
A: The boogieman.
-
What dog loves to take bubble baths ?
A shampoodle !
-
Why do Russians love Pho so much?
Because they're so...viet.
-
Why did the lonely man work on his days off?
X-post /r/dadjokes) He loved the company.
-
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?
Because she thought everybody loved her.
-
What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
It made him wed his plants!
-
Why did the man fall in love with the banana whilst on a London attraction?
Because it was a-peeling on the Eye.
-
What was the favorite food of the thrifty Italian who loved contractions?
A pasta free.
-
Why do moslem girls love black guys?
more satisfaction at night for wearing a ninja suit all day.
-
What do you call a group of yogurt loving boat enthusiast?
A Yacult...
-
What was the last thing that went through the Sandy Hook child's mind?
A bullet. I apologize if that joke was aimed for a younger audience. I love Sandy Hook jokes, they never get old. Just like those children.
-
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun. You hold his trunk until he turns blue, then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun Edit: My 5 year old nephew loves this joke.
-
What do you call a gynecologist who really loves his job?
Ovary Enthusiastic
-
What dinosaur loves pancakes?
A: A tri-syrup-tops.
-
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest... ... and an e-cigarette-puffing GI Joe Action Figure collector?
Well, one is a toy-loving vapist...
-
What do Scrooge McDuck and dragons have in common?
They love to swim in gold coins.
-
How do you know when a guy is really in love with his girlfriend?
When he starts using condoms with other girls.
-
What if loving you is gross?
That's the question.
-
Why do Chinese people love NY?
Because they heard we sell hotdogs for $0.75 each.
-
Why does Sia live in a low-rent apartment?
She loves cheap bills
-
What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters?
With love and hisses.
-
Why does Axl Rose love to carry around The Scarlet Letter?
Because every Rose has its Hawthorne