M Jokes

  • What can I get for you?

    Me: Steak, please. W: How would you like that cooked M: By anyone other than my wife

  • What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?

    6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

  • What do you call an 80s band comrpising of only fruit?

    Durian durian! im sorry

  • What a crazy weekend! Me: *takes a knee* CW: What are you doing?

    M: Protesting this conversation.

  • How do you spell ichael?

    The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael " she asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."

  • What gets you hot, baby?

    Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent. H: Zoinks, like, there's a ghost! Let's get out of here Scoob! M: *swoons*

  • Why does Islam get angry if you criticize their religion?

    Im not sure they always seem to blow things up out of proportion.

  • How many Steam employees does it take to change a light bulb?

    Honestly Im not sure, they havent got back to me yet. It's been 3 weeks.

  • What did the rock say to the other rock?

    Im hard

  • Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game?

    Cuz you know something's about to go down. Im sorry

  • How many mm3 of dirt is there in a hole 1m x 1m x 1m?

    There is no dirt in the hole!

  • What's it like being a grown up?

    Me hands her money: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn. 10: This is only $2 M: Exactly

  • Why are there many black people hanging around my family tree?

    because im a black man you racist

  • What are you gonna do today?

    Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.

  • What's the difference between the English rugby team and a teabag?

    A teabag stays in the cup longer! (im so sorry -)

  • Where were you born?

    Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That's not what I meant. M: I don't care.

  • What's that girl?

    Timmy's in the old well L: Arf arf He's dead You sure L: Arf! Okay here's a check for $5K L: ima need cash

  • What does The Rock said to his Girl Friend?

    Im Stoned :p

  • Whats the best part of living in Switzerland?

    Im not too sure either but the flags a big plus.

  • Who are you talking to in there?

    M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

  • What starts with the letter "M" and picks up metal?


  • How do you build a boat?

    Well Im not sure, but I do Noah guy.

  • Why did the railroad thief get caught?

    He forgot to cover his tracks! im

  • How can I trust you again?

    H: She meant nothing to me! M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!

  • What is an emo's favorite note?

    G ...get it EDIT:im not saying the reference

  • What would you like?

    ME:What would YOU like W:Excuse me M:No one ever asks you, do they W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

  • Whatcha doing on the PC?

    Daughter: Looking at peckers. M: WHAT ! D: Science project on chickens. M: Oh. D: You walked RIGHT into that.

  • What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature?

    Luke warm. im sorry

  • What's the best thing about portugal?

    You never have to carry your bags because of all the porter-geese. Thankyou, im here till monday!

  • How is everything?

    ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

  • What's your strongest weakness?

    Candidate: ... *Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up M: It's a trick question. You're hired!

  • What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?

    They're not infallible

  • Why is the new Zork game rated M for mature?

    I guess it's too grue-some.

  • What starts with an 'M', ends with 'arriage', and recently made me the happiest man alive?


  • What is the formula for water?

    Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O. Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.

  • What did the English teacher write when she needed to borrow money?

    An AE I.O.U. P.S. Im proud of this one :3

  • How Do You Start a Flood?

    An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

  • What did the south tower say to the north?

    BRB man, I've got to catch a plane. Im soz.

  • Where is your unicorn?

    Me: I don't have a unicorn. A: You better get naked and go into that Arby's and look for it anyway. M: Ok.

  • Who is the prettiest of my friends?

    Me: your mother, why W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

  • What did the ghost say when he got to the halloween party?

    Im here for the boos.

  • Whats the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

    How would I know, Im just a US Air Force Operator.

  • What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

    A: Miscarriage This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

  • What do you call a cowboy with a case of bad gas?

    Darn tootin'! (this is so dumb im sorry)

  • What's the difference between an M&?

    M and a tiny mute in your tuna sandwich screaming for help? One melts in your mouth, one mouths in your melt.

  • What do you call people pretending to be a ball?

    roll playing im sry

  • What's that awful thing called... M: ... J: You wake up with it after you drink?

    M: Linda.

  • Which kid is yours?

    Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'

  • How can you tell if there's a mosquito in your bed?

    By the "M" on his pajamas.

  • Why is the physicist not worried about his weight?

    Because m = AIt

  • Who's Leonardo Dicaprio's least favorite Sesame Street character?

    Oscar im so sorry

  • How'd family dinner go?

    ME: Huge mess to clean. F: It's spotless! M: *sprays luminol* You'd never know they were even here.

  • What starts with "M" ends with "arriage" and recently made me the happiest man on earth?


  • What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing?

    Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

  • What do you call Squidward when he gives DNA results for a living?

    You call 'im Maury. :)

  • Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?

    A miscarriage! This joke never gets old, just like the baby!

  • Why was the potato chip angry?

    Because he was salty

  • Whats the difference between a Mexican and a Pizza?

    A pizza can feed a family of four. Im sorry if I've offended any pizzas.

  • What did the mushroom put in his bio for the online dating service?

    Im a fungi

  • What did the stork say to the couple?

    Sorry mates Im out of babes (its a linguistic joke)

  • Why am I just so naturally funny?

    Because my life is a joke. Dont worry Im not scuicidal

  • Whats a gf?

    Mom: if youre a good boy, youll get one when youre older. Son: What is Im not a good boy? Mom: Youll get many.

  • Why couldn't The Doctor play baseball?

    They couldn't figure out Who was on first (Sorry, if this has been submitted before, im new here)