Man Jokes
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How are men like carpet tiles?
If you lay them properly the first time around you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art.
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Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing?
A: He was striking a happy medium.
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How Long is a battleship. True or false?
False. How Long is a man from China.
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What song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work?
Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go!
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What'll happen if a piano is dropped on a man?
He will B flat
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Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A. In the pages of a romance novel.
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Why did the man bring his jar of jam to the abortion clinic?
He had trouble unscrewing it.
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Where did the man with an undecorated yard put his spare change?
His Hedge Fund.
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Why did the man marry a monkey?
Because he wanted a PRIME-MATE! sorry ...sorry twice if this is an old joke
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What's the difference between a well dressed man and a tired dog?
The man wears a full suit, the dog just pants
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What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
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Why did u shoot your wife ?
Judge:why did u shoot your wife instead of shootingher lover? Sardar:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
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Why did the man snort Dr. Pepper?
He thought it was Coke!
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How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares
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Why did Patrick Stewart shave his head?
So he could badly go where no man has gone before.
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What do you call a man with no knees?
Toni
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What is strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
The back of my hand...
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How do you explain a man birthing a baby?
Taco bell for lunch
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How many roads must a man walk?
42
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How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
Eclipse it.
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What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?
Ray!
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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
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Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
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Why did the man invest in the kilovolt battery?
He thought it had a lot of potential.
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What does a man with no honey do?
He cantaloupe.
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What does a dog do that a man steps in?
Pants
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What do you call it when a man is given an order to take another man out lunch?
A MANDATE
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What does a man and a linoleum floor have in common?
If you lay 'em right, you can walk on them for 20 years.
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How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs being pulled behind a boat?
Skip
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Why does society think less of a man when he strikes a woman instead of sparing them?
Because a strike only requires one ball while a spare requires two balls
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Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company
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What's the difference between a woman and a man?
A woman will buy something on sale even if she doesn't need it. A man will buy something he needs at full price. Then, what is the difference between a black woman and a black man? The black woman will steal something she doesn't need. The black man goes to jail because you can't hide diapers under a shirt.
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Why didn't the man buy Velcro shoes?
because they were a rip off
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What's a closeted Isis fighter's favourite occasion during the year?
ram a man
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What does a whore call a bus load of men?
Meals on Wheels
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How do you seperate the men from the boys?
A crowbar.
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Why did the man call his horse Fleabag?
Because he was often scratched!
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What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moonmission?
He Apollo-gized.
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What do you do when you see a fire man?
Put it out man!
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What did the man say to his big breasted ex-wife?
Thanks for the mammaries.
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Why wasn't the man considered attractive?
The laws of gravity didn't apply to him.
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
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Why do men want to marry a virgin?
To avoid criticism and comparison.
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What do you call a man who opens the car door for you?
A chauffeur.
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What has 2 legs but doesn't use them?
A man named Bob running down a train track (only Asians will understand)
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Which one of the ten men won the pun contest?
No pun in ten did!
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What did the man say while holding a square clock?
I'm holding Time Square!
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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
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What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
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What can happen when a car breaks down?
A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."
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What do you call a man with potatoes in their ears?
Anything you want, He can't hear you!
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Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
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What did the physicist say to the man about to jump off a building?
Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
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Why do women like men with moustaches?
Because they immediately see something about you they can change.
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How many Police Officers does it take to handcuff one man?
Nine, Eight to shoot him and one to say he was very dangerous
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What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.
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What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
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How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water they lack taste and they need dough.
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Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk?
Because their wives are driving.
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What do men and pizza have in common?
That you call them and in 10minutes you have them h...
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What did the doctor say to the man that broke his arm?
Be patient
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What is more inappropriate than a 7 year old saying "I drink coffee"?
Her saying "I drink it black, like my men"
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What did the fish say to the man draining its aquarium?
WATER YOU DOING
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What does a good joke and a man who's dropped his last Viagra down the drain have in common?
A missed erection.
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Why is it illegal for a man living in North Carolina to be buried in South Carolina?
Because he's alive.
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How do your pants fit?
The man responded, "Like a glove".
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Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
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Why do we say dogs are man's best friend? Why not say dogs are man's and woman's best friend?
Because diamonds are a woman's best friend.
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What did George Washington say to his men just before they got in the boat?
Men, get in the boat!"
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Why are those two men standing in the spine of that book?
It must need Osteo-per-o-sis" Love it.
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Why do feminist hate the bible?
Because it ends with A-men
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What's the most common sleeping position of a man?
Around.
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Why do men get erections while they sleep?
So they don't accidentally roll out of bed.
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What will they now call hormonally-induced knockers on men?
broosts
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What do you call a man who excels at fishing?
A master baiter
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What is the best letter who represent a man?
A favorite joke of my mother) The Q because is a big zero with a small tail.
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How did the greeks separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
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What's the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time!
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What happens when Lucy starts using 100% of her brain?
She's almost as smart as a man.
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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows it's never happened.
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What goes ha, ha, ha, clunk?
A man laughing his head off.
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What is an independent variable?
Student: A variable who don't need no man
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How the does man give his dead batteries away?
Free of charge, of course.
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How many women are necessary to change a lightbulb?
One... but, what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it !
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Not all of them.
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What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker
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How many men does it take to fix a women's watch?
Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!
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What do Caitlin Jenner and the Carolina Panthers have in common?
Manning was just a bit too much for them.
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Why don't women propose to men?
Because the guy'd always be disappointed when she took out a ring.
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What is the most painful cereal known to man kind?
Banana Nut Crunch.
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What do you call a man with no arms and legs that falls into a body of water?
Bob.
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What did the man in the "Race for a Cure" say to the three people beside him?
we're walking four abreast."
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Why did the man throw away all the new pennies he had?
Because they were a nuisance (new cents).
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What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?
An alcoholic.
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What superheroes refuse to fight in North Carolina?
The X-Men
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
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What seperates man from animal?
Divorce!
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Why do men like golf so much?
It makes it possible for them to go from hole to hole with an iron in their hands.
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How did the Greek army separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar
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Why couldn't the man open a fish and herb shop?
Because he didn't have the thyme or the plaice.
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What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat ?
He had to get a new goat !
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What did the man say to the giant squid?
What's kraken JAJAJAJAJJAJJAJA
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How do the Greeks seperate the men from the boys?
A crowbar.
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How did they light their cigarettes?
One man threw a cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.
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Why did the man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well
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What the hell is going on here?
Wife turns to the man and says "Told you he was stupid."
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How on earth can you defend a man like Adam Johnson?
it's easy, he's all left foot - just constantly show him down the right side and don't let him cut in.
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What super hero league is Caitlyn Jenner part of?
The X-Men
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What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
3.99 a minute.
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Why did the man wear a frog for a condom?
So he was ribbit for her pleasure.
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What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
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What do you call a man with no shin ?
Tony
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What do you call a man with no will to live?
Willis.
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How do you keep men on their toes?
Raise the urinals
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Why does the man go to the beach when he's hungry?
Because of the sand which is there.
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What is the longest sentence that a man can make?
I do.
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What's his name?
A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, naked woman lying face-down on the bed. Q: What's his name? A: Willie Turner Q: What's name? A: Betty Will
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Why do men like love at first sight?
Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
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How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
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What did the captain say to the men before they got on the boat?
Men, get on the boat."
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Why are men better cooks?
They only need 2 eggs n 1 sausage to keep a girl full for 9 months
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How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?
A Lot.
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed ?
To draw the curtains !
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What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?
Yes, I'm completely sure.
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How many "a man walks into a bar" jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but you can be sure a whole Reddit community will appear to expand the joke, make it funnier and eventually run it into the ground.
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What do you call a man with one arm?
Hand Solo
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What do you call a man whose wife was the Queen, his daughter a Princess and his boss an Emperor, but he himself is no royal?
Darth Vader.
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Why doesn't men use make-up or perfume?
Because we're beautiful and smell good!
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What is it exactly that separates man from animal?
Divorce
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What do you get a man who has everything?
storage
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Where is the fire at?
The man replies: it's back there, I'm just going to get the water! (This is a true story, my uncle really said this)
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Why don't witches have babies?
Because their men have hollow-weenies!
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What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his vodka to fast?
Stop "Russian"
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What do you call a man that marries another man?
A minister! Courtesy of a patient.
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Why can't rock climbing instructors get dates?
Because they rappel men and women.
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Why did the man with bronchitis get cremated..?
he was tired of coffin.
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How long does it take to fly to Boston?
The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.
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Why is there only women's studies in college, but not men's?
Because we call men's studies history.
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What do men and tile floors have in common?
if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
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Why men like to fishing so much?
They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
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What do you call a man who inherits a dairy?
A Dairy Heir.
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Why did the man hire a Mexican gardener?
Because he was good at pulling weed
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What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
Ruth-less.
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What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
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Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn't feel well.
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How can a man take an abortion pill?
He just picks one up and leaves.
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What three words will emasculate any man?
A: Hold my purse.
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Where's the safest place to hide money from a man?
Under the soap
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What did the police officer say to the man who was urinating publicly?
Urine trouble, mate!"
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What's the difference between an Iraqi elementary school, and an Isis hideout?
I don't know man, I just fly the drone.
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What do you get the man who has everything?
Antibiotics
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Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
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What are the two words men hate most unless used together?
Don't Stop
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What is your fee?
Lawyer says: "1000 US dollars for 3 questions." Man: "Wow - so much! Isn't it a bit expensive " Lawyer: "Yes, what is your third question "
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How many Vietnam War Veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?
You don't know man, you weren't there!
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How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
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What's the name of the operation to change a woman into a man?
Addadictomy.
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Why did the man sleep under the tractor?
Because he wanted to wake up oily.
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Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
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What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
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What happened at the funeral of the man who invented the USB?
They lowered his coffin, took it out, flipped it the other way round, then lowered it again.
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How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your swimming pool?
Bob
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in a pile of leaves?
Rustle
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What do you say when the Batmobile drives by?
Na na na na na na na na BAT MAN What do you say when a stolen Batmobile drives by? Na na na na na na na na BLACK MAN
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What do you call a man who can smell the future?
Nostrildamus
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Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?
A miscarriage! This joke never gets old, just like the baby!
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What will men do for pleasure at that time?
God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.
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What kind of genie only grants wishes to men?
A misogenie.
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Why did the man turn on the lights in a depression clinic?
He wanted to lighten the mood in such a dim atmosphere.
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What did the man say when he walked into a milk bar?
Can I grab some milk *Bah dum tsss*
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Whats the difference between a preschool and a taliban camp?
I don't know man. I just fly the drones.
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What do you call a Russian sovereign with dwarfism and a taste for both men and women?
A little bizar
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What did the man who survived a javelin headwound say to his opponent?
Thanks for opening my mind.
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Why couldn't the man be bothered to look at the origami mountains?
because it was pay-per view.* "paper view"
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What do you give to a man who has everything?
Penicillin
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What is an Actor?
A man who tries to be everything but himself
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What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
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What did the Psychiatrist say to the man who walked in wearing nothing but plastic wrap?
I can clearly see ur nuts.
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Why is it easier for women to shave "downstairs" than men?
They don't have to go through as many obsticles.
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Why is Superman wanted by the police?
He is wanted for being the Man of Steal.
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What's Iraq's favourite sitcom?
Men behaving Baghdadly.
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Where my single ladies at?
drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
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What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug Got a set of tweezers as the toy as well. Hours of fun right there.
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What are the three types of men?
A: The handsome the caring and the majority.
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What are you doing man?
Him: " I am dusting off man.."
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Why do men stare at a woman's breasts?
To prove they can focus on two things at once.
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Why was the man arrested at the farmers' market?
He was caught taking a leek.
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What does train tracks and breast have in common?
They are both ment for boys but in the end it's the men who plays with them
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Why do women make better pilots than men?
They only have one joystick to worry about.
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What do you call a man in the window?
INNUENDO!!!!!!!
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What do radical feminists and Game of Thrones have in common?
All men must die.
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Why does a barber never shave a man with a wooden leg?
Because he always uses a razor.
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Why bro?
Men with no pants fighting for a belt.. WTF
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How long have you felt this way?
Man: "Ever since I was an egg."
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Bob
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How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money furs and diamonds.
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What do you call a man with a kilt over his head ?
Scott !
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What do you call a man on your porch?
Mat. I neglected to mention he has no arms or legs.
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Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
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What's the difference between a telemarketer and a man with a multiphobic personality?
One gets lots of annoyed hangups, the other has a lot of annoying hangups.
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What do you do when you see a space man?
Park your car, man.
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Who is your favorite X-Man?
Mine is Bruce Jenner
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What is cosmetics?
ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
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What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
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What do you say to a man with a broken lizard?
Sorry about your reptile dysfunction.
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Why was the man sued by his horse?
For palomino-money!
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Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job?
What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses
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Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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How can a man go 7 days without sleeping?
Sleep at night
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What do you call a man who supports women's sports?
A sports brah
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Why was the man sent to prison after staying up all night?
Because he was resisting a rest.
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What's a man?
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom
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What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head?
An ambulance because that is a serious medical emergency that requires immediate attention.
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What does a man with two left feet wear to the beach?
Flip-Flips.
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Why do men act like idiots?
Who says they're acting
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How does one know a man is going to say something smart?
His senentences start with "A woman once told me.."
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What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job?
A man who is outstanding in his field.
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What separates the men from the apes?
The Mediterranean Sea.
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Why did man invent curling?
To convince women sweeping was a sport.
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What do you call a man who cuts down trees?
A tree feller.
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What do you call a Harrison Ford one man show?
A Han Solo performance.
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What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for air, and calling your name?
You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.
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What do you mean he's your half son?
What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob.
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Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.
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What did the man do when he got a big gas bill?
He exploded.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?
Matt
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Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
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Why did the snowman leave his wife?
Because she got plowed by another man.
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How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?
With a crowbar.
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What's the difference between a terrorist and a civilian?
I don't know man, I just fly the drones.
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What did the leopard say when it ate the man?
A: That hit the spot.
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How is a Christmas tree like a man who's had a vasectomy?
They both have ornamental balls.
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What do you call a man with a flamethrower?
2. What do you call his first victim 3. What do you call his second victim 1. Bernie 2. Crispin 3. Ash
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What does a man with a cow under his nose have?
A moostache (That was udderly terrible)
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What should we call it when a man is beautiful?
Footseveral " No but I feel like you're on the right track
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What do Irish feminists call men?
O'Pressors
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Why did the man cross the street when he saw the chicken foot?
Because he suspected fowl play was afoot!
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How do you keep an amish girl happy?
Two men a night.
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Why do women live longer than men?
Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
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What do you call a man who rides his camel backwards?
Lawrence of Dublin.
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Why do men like football?
Because the biggest priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life.... Scoring and Ball Security.
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Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
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What's a priest's favorite X-men?
A-Men.
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Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it's the first thing they say when I approach them.
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Where would men be without women?
The Garden of Eden
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Where do you find a man with an aquatic mammal fetish?
In Wales.
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Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras?
If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.
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What do you call man with.. What do you call man with a rucksack on his back and salt and pepper on his head?
A seasoned traveller.
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What did the man say when he saw a dancing soup container?
That can can can-can!
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What is the distinction between a man that has had a vasectomy and one who hasn't?
I don't know, as far as I'm concerned there's not a vas deferens.
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How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, but I bet we could pay them less than a group of men for the same amount of work.
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Why did broke man fall over?
He ran out of balance
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What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?
A pastryarchy.
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How does a man see things from woman's point of view?
By looking out the kitchen window.
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What do men and sperm have in common?
A:They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
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Why was the man so down in the mouth?
Because he ate his pillow.
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Why should men not engage in esports while horny?
They get erekt.
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What do you do when you see a spaceman?
You park your car, man.
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What do you call a man that brews beer?
A Hebrew.
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What do all men at single's bars have in common?
They're married.
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Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?
The knife just wasn't cutting it.
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What did the shirt say to the pants zipper?
Your so fly man
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Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers.
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What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do?
Wrong.
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What do you call a man with a colander on his head?
COLIN! Duh!!!
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Why did the man go fishing?
Just for the halibut.
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What did the man get when he shop lifted a calander?
12 months
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What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
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What do you call a man with no arms & no legs... ...hanging on the wall?
Art ...floating in the sea Bob ...laying on the floor Matt ...down in a hole Phil ...sitting in a pot Stu ...
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Why is it hard for men to understand women?
Because you have to study abroad to understand them.
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What does the man with two left feet ask the shoe salesman?
Do you sell flip-flips?"
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Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
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How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"
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Why did the man lost in the woods catch fire?
He was heading west.
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How do men and women fill the fuel tank differently?
Men jiggle the nozzle afterwards.
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Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust?
He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans. *You love it.*
-
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me" .
-
What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?
The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.
-
What do you call a man chasing a car?
What do you call a man chasing a car? -Exhausted What do you call a man being chased by a car? -Tired
-
Why are men the best chefs?
Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.
-
What did the man say when he ran out of clothes?
Oh dear, it seems I'm shirt on clothes.
-
What do you call a man with no body and a nose ?
Nobody knows!
-
Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.
-
Why did the hippie lifeguard not save the drowning boy?
He was too far out man!!
-
Why should a man never bang his best friend?
He'll probably catch fleas
-
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
-
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish !
-
What separates the men from the boys in the Catholic Church?
A condom.
-
Why can't a vegetable win an argument?
Cuz he always uses a straw, man!
-
What do you call a man with a toe on his knee?
Tony
-
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them!
-
What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down?
He fell on his ash.
-
Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job?
Ubisoft
-
Why did the man put cheese on his computer?
A: He wanted to feed the mouse.
-
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Not all men.
-
What's the difference between... a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A man will actually search for a golf ball.
-
What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?
A: Miscarriage This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
-
What do you call a man who sells clockwork toys?
A Wind-up Merchant.
-
What do you call a man with a fetish for US currency who works on a dairy farm?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
Bob
-
Why don't men want to go down on a woman first thing in the morning?
have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese?
-
Why the big pause................................?
Said the man in the pub to the bear. First heard this joke told by Eddie Izzard.
-
What do you call a man with three arms and a pegleg?
I have no idea because the actual joke is always in the comments.
-
What did the man with dyslexia do while he was at the beach?
Sarah Palin
-
What if a man existed w/one hand that's a steak and the other is lobster plus unlimited salad bar?
This is the plot of Edward Sizzlerhands
-
How can you tell that Caitlyn Jenner was once a man?
Because she's better at being a woman than most women are.
-
Why did Kanye blow up the bakery?
Because no one man should have all that flour.
-
What happened when the man couldn't afford the mortgage on his haunted house?
it was repossessed!
-
Why are men like blenders?
You need one but you're not quite sure why.
-
Why did the man get a job as a horse handler?
He wanted stable employment
-
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !
-
What's the difference between a man biking to a job interview and a clown on a unicycle?
Attire.
-
Why are men like paper cups?
They're disposable
-
What's the difference between a man on a unicycle wearing a tuxedo and a man on a bicycle wearing a tank top?
Attire.
-
What do you call a man who's on fire?
Bernie.
-
What do you call a bear that likes men when it's happy and women when it's sad?
A Bipolar Bear
-
What do you call a man of high authority, stoned out of his mind strolling along in the forest?
Hiking
-
What do you call a man who worships his own scrotum?
Sacrilegious.
-
What did the man get for winning the muscle relaxing contest?
Atrophy!
-
How much has this man had to drink?
Nurse: "I can't tell." Dr: "It's ok; you can tell me. I'm a doctor"
-
What do you call a man who wears crisp packets as trousers?
Russell.
-
Why did Kirk and Spock march into the woman's restroom?
They were boldly going where no man has gone before
-
Why do men like breasts so much?
They prove men can concentrate on two things at once.
-
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
-
What's the best way to prepare a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner?
Just be *honest* with it man...
-
Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
They never stop to ask directions.
-
What'd the scientist say to the man who was frozen to absolute zero?
Are you 0K
-
Why women mature faster than men?
Because men start growing breasts only after 40 years old.
-
Why do women make such horrible capenters?
Because for years men have telling them that ---------------- is 8 inches long.
-
Why did the man shut his donut shop?
Why did the man close his donut shop ...because he was fed up with the hole business!
-
How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
-
What's the most dangerous, predominantly black area known to man?
Space
-
What do you call man without toes?
What do you call a man without toes and is allergic to milk Lack-toes intolerant!!
-
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
-
What did Jesus say to the man with leprocy?
OOPS! GOT YOUR NOSE!
-
What do you call a man doing dishes?
Single.
-
How does a man with no nose smell?
Terrible!
-
What is the difference between a man falling from a 2nd floor and a man falling from an 8th floor?
That the man that falls from the 2nd floor does: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH While the man falling from the 8th floor does: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
-
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
-
Why did a man throw his breakfast out the window?
He was a cereal defenestrator.
-
Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
The man responds "If I'm going to be im-po-tant, I want to look im-po-tant!"
-
Why do men with prostate issues have issues stealing video game systems?
Because they have trouble taking a Wii.
-
What did the thief say when he saw the man leave his coat behind?
let's jack it.
-
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
-
What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moon mission?
A: He Apollo-gized.
-
Why did the man quit his job at the bakery?
He didn't knead any more dough.
-
How do I get to 280?
A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"
-
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who likes to go swimming?
Bob.
-
What would be different if men got pregnant?
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
-
Why did the man drowning in the river think he wasn't going to die?
He was in de-Nile.
-
What is worse, balancing on a 100meter high rope or getting a BJ from a man?
Its both not that bad, you just shouldnt look down.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying under a pile of leaves?
Russel.
-
What did the man say when he sat on a candle?
Fire in the hole!
-
What do you call a man who marries an old ugly and poor woman?
A: Desperate!
-
How many hillbillies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2. A man, his wife, and his cousin
-
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
-
What did the English man say when he walked in on his wife making love to three men?
Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
-
What do you call a man who jokes that women always make mountains out of molehills?
An ambulance.
-
What did the man say when he accidentally bumped into the astronaut?
I Apollo-gize"
-
What do you call a man who loses pounds for a living?
A bad gambler
-
Why did Steve Irwin's sunscreen get recalled?
It didn't protect him from harmful rays Edit: Steve Irwin was the man. RIP
-
Why was the G-Spot Club not making profit in the nightclub business?
Most men couldn't find it.
-
What did the man say after he was hit by the car?
Nothing. He was dead.
-
Why did the man that drank 10 cups of poisoned Lipton not die?
He drank so much poison it built his immuni-tea.
-
Why was the man arrested for having his skin flute played?
It was in A-minor
-
What do you call a man in a hole?
Phil.
-
Why was the man at the cookout so happy?
He met the grill of his dreams.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell
-
Why do most men not like aspirin?
Because it's a cox blocker
-
What do you call a man who cleans your house?
Dustin.
-
How does a Syrian family have a meal?
The men provide the food and the women do the cooking, leaving the children to wash up afterwards.
-
Why did the man quit working at the cemetery?
It was hard to make a living.
-
Why did the man go to the doctor after taking his friend to work?
He had carpool tunnel
-
How do the greek separate the men from the boys?
With a crow bar.
-
Why did the man tear a page out of the calendar?
He wanted to take a month off.
-
What did the man who frequents the internet do with a book?
He Reddit.
-
Why did the man with a stammer never get out of jail?
He couldn't finish his sentence.
-
What happened when the man lost his suspenders?
He became one of those For Whom the Belt Holds
-
Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense ?
So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.
-
What did one renewable power source say to the other?
How did I wind up here I don't know man just go with the flow.
-
How does a woman fix a ceiling problem?
She complains to a man.
-
How does a woman destroy a mans pride with 4 words?
Is it in yet? How does a man destroy a womans pride with 4 words? I don't know.
-
What do you call a room full of men watching the Super Bowl on a big screen TV?
The Patriots
-
What letter should you avoid?
The letter A because it makes men mean.
-
What did Captain Cook say to his men just before they got back in the ship?
Get back in the ship, men!"
-
What happened when the man asked the salesman for a good belt?
O.K. you asked for it" the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.
-
Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
-
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
-
Why couldn't Robin play cricket?
Because he lost his bat, man.
-
What do you call A man in an iron suit flying by the king of the North?
A Stark contrast
-
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
-
How does a poor mans cube look like?
A: It's a sphere.
-
What did one fly say to the other?
your man is down'
-
What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?
I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.
-
What do you call a girl who likes men with small d**ks?
Your girlfriend!
-
What the quickest way to a mans heart?
Though his chest with a knife
-
How do we know Jesus was a man?
We've had to wait 2,000 years for his second coming.
-
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three if you slice them very thinly.
-
What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?
He parks his car, man.
-
What have men and spray paint in common?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
-
What rock group have four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?
Mat
-
Whats The Difference Between a Hobo On a Unicycle And a Man In a Suit On a Bike?
Attire.
-
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
-
What do you call Wolverine post-op?
An x-man.
-
What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
-
Why couldn't the man marry the melon?
It was a cantaloupe.
-
What separates the men from the boys?
Operation Yewtree.
-
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
-
What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-Spot?
A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.
-
Why did a man bring a ladder to the party?
He heard the drinks were on the house..... I'll see myself out.
-
What happened to the girl who went fishing with a group of men?
She returned home with a red snapper.
-
What do you call two men hanging from a window sill?
Kurt and Rod
-
How did you find the steak, sir?
The man looks at her and says "I just moved the potatoes."
-
Why is the man only left with 30?
Credit to Bo Burnham.
-
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
-
What do you call a hippie that is out at sea on a raft?
He was far out man. --
-
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Dug
-
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
-
What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head ?
The deceased !
-
Why do you go to a black mans garage sale?
So you can get all your stuff back.
-
How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?
You have to chew before you swallow!
-
What's your funniest yet least known joke?
I have a friend that absolutely loves cheesy, question and answer jokes and I wanna make a card with a list of them! The problem is that she knows just about every joke known to man so I challenge you to give me hilarious, short jokes that aren't very widely known. Make me laugh!
-
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
-
How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! YOU DON'T KNOW!!!
-
How can a man go eight days without sleep?
No problem , He sleeps at night.
-
What is the difference between a man and a woman?
Wo
-
What does a man with one leg wear to the beach?
Flop.
-
How do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
A bad magician
-
What do Canadian women put behind their ears to attract men?
Their ankles!
-
What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?
I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU
-
How many men does it take to make popcorn?
Four one to hold the pot and three to act macho and shake the stove.
-
How did the man get stuck at the Russian airport?
He got snowden.
-
What are you taking for it?
Man replies "Pollen"
-
What did the SJW say to the man who appropriated culture?
That's inappropriate.
-
Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing?
To get some fresh air
-
What man?
The man with the power." - "What power " - "The power of Hoodoo." - "Who do " - "You do." - "Do what " - "Remind me of a man."
-
What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
A: surname
-
Why was everyone saying such kind, loving words to the man?
The man was a corpse being buried forever.
-
What superhero would a (insert stereotype here) man be?
Batman. Why Because he can't go out at night without Robin!
-
How many men are in each corner?
3/5
-
Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
He wanted to work overtime.
-
What do canes and blue pills have in common?
They're both ready for use when a man is limp.
-
Why are there no good jokes about men?
Because they were written by women.
-
What did the man say to his wife when he failed to get an erection?
No hard feelings.
-
Why did the man open a rooftop bar?
He wanted to have drinks on the house.
-
Why wouldn't the man dance?
His pants had no ballroom.
-
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
-
How do you confuse a man?
You don't - they're born that way.
-
What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?
Morning wood.
-
How does a woman apologize to a man?
I'm sorry, but it's your fault.
-
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug
-
What's the difference between communism and capitalism?
In the former, man exploits man, in the latter, it's exactly the opposite.
-
Why did the man break the clock?
He wasn't comfortable with having that much time on his hands.
-
Why do girls make a "shhhhh" noise while peeing and men don't?
Cos men have a 6 inch silencer.
-
What did the man who invented the bum shaking machine realize when he turned it on?
It twerked.
-
What do you call a man with 6,022 x 1023 dollars?
A Moleionaire
-
How do you tell if a black mans been on your computer?
It's not there.
-
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
Two men a night.
-
What is something a woman hates about a man but a man would love about a woman?
Premature ejactulation.
-
How can the eurologist tell if he is looking at a man or woman?
Well, there is a vast difference.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs inside a volcano?
Anakin Skywalker. (Happy Geek Pride Day!)
-
What hurts more giving birth or being kicked in the balls?
A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed.
-
What has six legs two arms four eyes and a tail?
A man holding an aardvark.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's trying to get home?
A taxi
-
What's black and red, flashes like hell and annoys men?
Live Jasmine
-
What do you call a man standing up to his knees in water?
Wade
-
What was the man running around ?
from my 5yr old son Because he wanted to catch some sleep.
-
What did the baseball manager do when he needed another man in the bullpen?
He took a can of orange juice from the freezer and made a pitcher.
-
What do you call a man who can't stand?
Neal
-
What the problem?
Man 1: *Sighs* " I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole "
-
Why don't married men live as long as single men?
They don't want to!
-
What did the fly say to the other fly?
Your man is open!"
-
How many men does it take to get an Amish woman pregnant?
Two men a nite.
-
How many women does it take to park a car?
A man.
-
What is the Revenant about?
The unbearable lengths one man will go to get his revenge and win an Oscar.
-
Whats the difference between a man and a government bond?
The bond matures.
-
How many men does it take to moderate /r/MensRights ?
None. There are no there.
-
What happened to the man who turned into an insect ?
He just beetled off !
-
What do you call a man who used to like tractors?
An extractor fan!
-
What has six eyes but cannot see?
Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath
-
What is the only man made object visible from space?
Holland.
-
What do you call a really extraordinary farmer?
A man outstanding in his field.
-
Where did the man go after the explosion?
All over.
-
What did the man who ate a clock say?
That was time consuming but I still want seconds.
-
What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"?
Friends
-
What do you call a man who is too proud of his balls ?
Ego-Testicle.
-
How do they separate the men from the boys in Athens?
With a crowbar.
-
Why did the man fall in love with the banana whilst on a London attraction?
Because it was a-peeling on the Eye.
-
Why not man?
I really am a FunGi."
-
What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?
Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?
-
Why Latvian man did cross road?
Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.
-
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!
-
What did the dog say to the man?
Nothing stupid, dogs don't talk.
-
What did the man say who couldn't add the same number to itself?
I can't even...
-
How can you tell God is a man?
If God was a woman sperm would taste like chocolate
-
Why did the man throw his watch out the window?
He wanted to see time fly!
-
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
-
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
-
What is the common trait between men and snow?
You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last.
-
Why couldn't the Coast Guard save the hippie?
Because he was wayyy far out man.
-
What's the difference between a government bond and a man?
The bond matures.*
-
How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leafs?
Russel
-
What did the man with Verizon say to the woman with Sprint?
You better Sprint on over to the Verizon store.
-
What did the man say to the priest at the beach?
Do you mind getting out of my son.
-
What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?
He ate himself!
-
What do you call a man who cleans out toilets ?
Lou !
-
Why do men die before their wives?
Because we want to!
-
Why did the man get kicked out of the "Russian" bar?
Because he walked in.
-
What do you call two men from Paraguay?
Par a guays!
-
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...
-
Why did Erdogan stop a man from jumping off a bridge?
One does not simply fly in Turkish airspace without Erdogan's permission.
-
What do you call transgender superheroes?
X-Men.
-
Why do men like BMWs?
Because they can spell it. LOL LOL
-
Why didn't the life guard save the hippy?
Beacuse he was to "far out man".
-
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
-
When a hot blonde walks in. The one lawyer says, "Man, wouldn't you like to screw that?
and the other lawyer replies, "Outta what "
-
What's in a white mans pants and more than 4 inches long?
Nothing
-
What do you tell a man with two black eyes?
Nothing, he's been told twice already. (And be cool, if you get the reference keep quiet and let em wonder.)
-
Why did the man drink two beers with his lunch?
Because he wanted to drink two beers with his lunch.
-
Why does John Snow wear a Rolex ?
Because he's a man of the nice watch
-
What do you call a man holding a machine gun?
Sir
-
What man knows the way to a girl's heart more than any other?
A surgeon.
-
Why do women have trouble parking?
Because men tell them that 6" is more than it actually is.
-
What do you give to a man that had everything?
Antibiotics
-
What did the man say after Michael Jackson stole his coat?
Hey that's mycoat Jackson!
-
What do you call a super kind man who spends too much time on the beach?
A tangent
-
What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike?
Attire
-
How do you talk to an angel" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess?
How do you hold her close to where you are" Me: Aren't most angels men
-
How are blizzards and men alike?
You don't know when they're coming, you don't know how many inches you'll get, and you don't know long they'll last
-
What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
-
What do you call a man with no hands and a book?
A read-only man.
-
Why did man invent the shipping cart?
To teach women how to stand on their hind legs.
-
Why does the army want to only recruit married men?
Because they don't want a man lost!
-
What do you call a guy who refuses to serve people from Finland at his bar?
A man with unfinnished buisness.
-
Why do women like men who can work on cars?
They know how to work under the hood!
-
What separates the men from the boys in the Navy?
A crowbar.
-
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
-
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is on fire?
Bernie.
-
Why do men like love at first site?
A. It saves them a lot of time.
-
What term is used to describe a phenomenon where a European mans ejaculates prematurely?
Pole Position
-
How Does a Woman Make a Man a Millionaire?
When he's a billionaire.
-
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
-
How do you separate the men from the boys in the Navy?
With a crowbar.
-
What did the man say after he got into a fight with the amputee?
You stumped me!
-
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?
He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
-
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
-
How is a man and a 45 degree angle alike?
Neither of them are ever right.
-
Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?
He didn't like being spoken to in that voice
-
Why are we watching a live internet stream of men exiting a hole?
Isn't this using the internet backwards
-
What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?
Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."
-
Why did the man use deodorant to fix a broken window?
He read that it was an invisible solid.
-
Why do most men hate Russian dolls?
Because they're so full of themselves.
-
Why don't men install urinals in their houses?
Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)
-
What do you call a man from Portugal?
A Portugoose. Because you cant have one gees.
-
Why are men afraid of the world?
They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.
-
What do you call a man who makes fart scented candles?
Incense-itive
-
Why is it so difficult for women to find a man who is sensitive, caring, and good looking?
All of those guys already have boyfriends.
-
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
-
Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?
So the men can think of a solution in silence.
-
Why do more men die in car crashes than woman?
Because women are at the wheel.
-
How many Amish guys does it take it satisfy an Amish whore?
Two men-a-night!
-
What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?
Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years Pete.
-
Why was the man selling CDs at 12:30 a.m.?
Because his mixtape was to die for...
-
What did the man say to the fly?
Hey.. you're looking fly"
-
What do you call a man with no arms or legs... ... sitting at your door?
Matt. ...floating in your pool Bob. ...hanging on your wall Art. ... water skiing Skipper.
-
What happened to the man who went to court for making deafening noises?
He lost his hearing.
-
How many men do you need to defend Paris?
I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.
-
What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
It made him wed his plants!
-
What do you call a man wearing two rain jackets?
Max
-
Why didn't the man go to dat place?
Cuz dis-place-ment a lot to him.
-
What happened to the man who died from drinking Shellac?
He had a *lovely finish*.
-
What food describes most men?
Jerky.
-
Whatcha makin'?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making Satan: A bong.
-
However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible?
He wasn't single.
-
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A:('He wanted cold hard cash!')
-
What do you call a man with no arms?
Anything you want. He is 'armless
-
Why is it dark in Skeletor's castle?
Because He-Man has the power.
-
What's up, punk?
Nothing," he replied, "I've just never seen a man using hair rollers before."
-
What is it called when a man molests with each release?
Per version.
-
What do you call the man with a lisp who drowned?
A philosopher. Cuz he's a deep thinker.
-
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
-
How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door?
Just one if its lochte'd
-
What is the definition of a good farmer?
A man outstanding in his field.
-
How many "a man walks into a bar" jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but you can be sure a whole Reddit community will appear to expand the joke, make it funnier and eventually run it into the ground.
-
How do mathematicians count x-men?
Permutations.
-
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
-
Why did the lady at the bar slap the man next to her for stroking his mustache?
Because in between stroking it, he said "hello, let me clear you off a place to sit."
-
What's a blind mans worst fear ?
A prius
-
What is a black mans favorite Halloween costume?
Robbin Hood
-
Why, Bro?
B1: Men with no pants... Fighting for a belt... WTF
-
How is God just like every other man?
If you're not on your knees, he's not interested.
-
Why did u shoot ur wife ?
Judge:why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover Methew:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
-
What did Nietzsche tell his editor when he finished writing Thus Spoke Zarathustra?
It's over, man.
-
Why do men, on average, die before women?
Because they want to.
-
Why did the genie turn the man into a toad?
He rubbed him the wrong way.
-
Why did the man keep reloading the picture of the candy cane at the potluck?
He was in charge of refresh mints.
-
Why was the man intently watching the bowl of snickers?
He wanted to see who would have the last laugh. back to work...
-
What do you call a man with no religion?
Godfrey
-
What did the man do after listening to a Pink Floyd album for two hours?
Skip to the next track
-
Whats the name of a bodybuilder whose a fan of the X-Men?
Huge Jackman
-
Why can't women explain feminism to men?
Because they need a man to do it for them
-
Why do men struggle to urinate with an erection?
It's just too hard.
-
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
None. He fell.
-
What's the difference between a man and a woman?
A woman wants a man who can satisfy all her needs. A man wants all women who can satisfy his needs.
-
How do you call sons of australians and germans?
Men at Work
-
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop. I'll show myself out.
-
What did the man say when he got his dancing robot to work?
It twerks!" I don't know how this came to me..
-
What is the difference between a hog and a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.
-
What separates man from animal?
The Atlantic Ocean.
-
Why couldn't the man leave Moscow?
He was Snowden.
-
What did the doctor say to the man who couldn't pee?
Urine trouble!
-
What did the elephant say to the man?
Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?
-
What did the man say to the suffocating clown?
You've got to be choking
-
What happened to the man running in front of a car?
He got tired. The man running behind the car -- he got exhausted.
-
What happened to the man with a legal fetish when he went to court for his parking ticket?
He got off on a technicality
-
What's a hippies favourite food?
Peas, man.
-
How did he die?
The rock is kyptonite and the man is superman.
-
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
-
What do women call men under 6 inches?
Friends.
-
What is the difference between a man and a dog?
A man wears a suit and the dog, pants.
-
Why was the man allergic to Christmas?
Because it's the reason for the sneason.
-
What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
-
What do a man and a rubix cube have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
-
What Happened to the Man who Threw a Flaming Bag of Poo?
He got turd degree burns.
-
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!
-
What is a woman ?
Man with a uterus somewhere
-
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms or legs?
Bob.
-
How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company?
He was shocked.
-
What do you say to a man with no legs?
Nothing, he'll shoot you.
-
Whats the biggest difference between men and women?
The phrase I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film. is a good place to start.
-
How many men does it take to mop the floor?
Answer: None it's a women's job.
-
What was the deaf mans favorite song?
The Sound of Silence.
-
Why don't women work as long and as hard as men in the office?
They do it right first time.
-
What sentence did the man who took 2 minutes to turn around get?
Man .
-
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
-
Why Did The Man With One Hand Go To The Shopping Centre?
To go to the second hand shop
-
Why are men better cooks than women?
Because with a sausage, a couple of eggs, and some cream, a man can keep a woman full for 9 months.
-
What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?
A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.
-
How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent?
She starts her sentance with "A man once told me"
-
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
-
What do you call a man without a beard?
A woman.
-
How do you know that Santa is a man?
No woman wears the same attire every year.
-
How do Muslims seperate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
-
What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship?
Let's get on the ship, men!
-
Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window?
Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.
-
What do you call a man without arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?
Claude!
-
What do you call A man doing Laundry?
Non-existent
-
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. She should have opened it as she brought it to you.
-
Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?
It was unmiscible.
-
What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous?
It fro's up.
-
How did the man get the woman into the pool club?
He snooker in!
-
What's strong enough for a man but made for a women?
The back of my hand.
-
What did the apple say to the pear?
Man, go away!
-
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.
-
What do you call a man who loves a woman for her brains?
A zombie.
-
How did the man see her?
It was a bright sunny day.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch?
Phil
-
How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminists house?
Only one, but you have to slice him REALLY thin!
-
Why do women have cleaner minds than men?
Because they change theirs more often
-
What do you call a Microbiologist who travels the world?
A Man of many Cultures
-
How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?
Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
-
What did the man say when the lobster gave him food poisoning?
I'm not letting you cook dinner again
-
Why did the man put a dead tiger on his lawn?
To scare off Cat burglars!
-
What's gotten into you man?
Midget: Sorry, I feel a little Sikh.
-
What's a blind mans favorite car?
A cataract
-
Why did the man get dumber after he fixed the potholes in the road?
Because he re-tarred it.
-
What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people?
Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.
-
Why do nursing homes give men Viagra before they sleep?
So they won't roll out of bed.
-
How man hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's an obscure number, your probably never heard of it.
-
What do you mean you're not going to spank me?
I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you
-
Why did the man drowning in the Nile River think he wasn't going to die?
Because he was in de-nile.
-
Who's the man who, with just the slightest touch- gives you chills and makes you tremble with anticipation ?
Your dentist.
-
What does a man call a gorilla he loves?
Haram Bae
-
What do you call a man with 3 testicles?
Whodyanickabollockoff
-
Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks?
So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.
-
What did the man say when he got a big phone bill?
Who said talk is cheap "
-
How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.
-
What do you call a whore house with only men?
A bro-thel
-
Why did a man name his legless dog, Cigarette?
Cause he had to take him out for a drag every night.
-
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
-
What do you call a man with no feet and is allergic to milk?
Lack-toes intolerant
-
What did the giant wave say to the man?
Nothing he just waved. Sea what I did there? Sorry sometimes I get a bit carried away, it like a tsunami of puns. Water these puns! they're horrible, I'll stop now.
-
Why did the man name his daughter Candy?
She was the sweetest mistake he ever made.
-
How's your head?
Don't reply with "No man has ever complained."
-
Why men shop at Costco?
Because it's a hoe sale.
-
What happened to the man running in front of the car?
He got tired. What happened to the man running behind the car He got exhausted.
-
What's the difference between a golfball and a woman's 'G' spot?
A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball... Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball...
-
What kind of Aircraft is into Men and Women?
A Biplane.
-
What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand?
Irish handcuffs.
-
What do you call a man who has lost the lower parts of his legs, but still somehow has his feet?
Tony.
-
How many light bulbs does it take to change a man?
Just one, if you put it in the right place.
-
What do you call a man in the middle of the ocean with no arms or legs?
Bob
-
Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
The thief was spending less then his wife.
-
Why are men faster than women?
Ball bearings and stick shift.
-
What happened after the man borrowed a sad movie from his friend?
He lost it.
-
What's the difference between a psychotic mental patient and a man with a bible in his hand?
Respiridol
-
Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks?
Because he thought it wood look better!
-
Why did James Bond higher a man with Parkinson's to be his butler?
He likes his drinks shaken, not stirred.
-
Why did the man with acute bronchitis go on holiday?
Because he had a wee cough
-
What's the difference between Will Ferrell and a man with erectile dysfunction?
What's the difference between Will Ferrell and a man with erectile dysfunction? One can... "Get Hard"
-
Why didn't the man go under the boardwalk?
He doesn't like giving in to pier pressure.
-
Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar?
So he could save his stool.
-
What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with?
An alarm, you pervert!
-
What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail ?
This is the end of me !
-
What did they call the man who knew how to read maps?
A legend
-
What do men and Subway have in common?
They both exaggerate the length.
-
How did the ancient Greeks seperate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
-
Why did Kanye West blow up the bakery?
Because no one man should have all that flour.
-
Who's at fault ?
the man, he should't have been driving in the kitchen.;3
-
What does the last man on earth watch on tv?
Reruns
-
What did the man say after he forgot to pull out?
I regret nutting!!!
-
What would Captain America be called if he fought in Vietnam?
You weren't there man
-
Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine?
A: It depends on the age.
-
What do you get with a woman majoring in woman's studies?
I don't know but she'll never make as much as a man AND SHE KNOWS IT!
-
Why are you late?
Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
-
Why did the man who robbed the liquor store with a boomerang get caught?
Because he couldn't throw away the evidence
-
What did the mayonnaise say to the man opening the fridge door?
Don't look. I'm dressing."
-
What's that again?
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'
-
Why did the man tell his mom to get him out of prison?
She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.
-
What involves a man and two women, and doesn't even last a minute?
A Ronda Rousey fight.
-
What do you call a supernatural being that only grants wishes to men?
A miso-genie!
-
What did the empty beer bottle say to the other beer bottle?
I'm just not hoppy anymore man
-
What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union?
A: Every man for himself.
-
How many men do a feminist need to make her sandwich?
two. One from front and another from behind.
-
Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.
-
What do the Egyptians call a man who cannot keep his opinions to himself?
IMHOtep
-
What's the difference between a man falling from 100ft and a man falling from 10ft ?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - SMACK SMACK - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
-
What do you call a line of men waiting to get a hair cut?
A barbecue
-
What did the man say while holding a square shaped clock?
A: I'm holding Time Square!
-
What did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine...?
I heard that he was fully re-covered.
-
What did the man say after his wife was dragged off the beach by a seal?
Welp, seal ate her.
-
What do Wolverine and Bruce Jenner have in common?
They are both X-Men
-
What business does an elf, a man and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?
A nearby horseman answers, "Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!"
-
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper ?
Warren !
-
What happened when a man fell in love with a grand piano?
He said "Darling you've got lovely teeth."
-
Why did the man put his car in the oven?
Because he wanted a hot rod.
-
What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?
Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.
-
Why was the man hanging out in the market all day?
I don't know, but it was pretty bazaar
-
Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye?
Because she was seeing somebody on the side.
-
What's the difference between a man who owns a gun and a man who owns a bank?
A man with a gun can rob a bank. A man with a bank can rob the world. (Disclaimer: reword of someone else's post to FB today.)
-
Why did the man cry when he was cutting up onions?
Onions" was his dog... D:
-
What's the difference... between a (nationality, ethnicity, etc you want to make fun of) man and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
-
Where do men have the most curly hair?
In Africa
-
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
-
How do you know the high heel was invented by men?
Who else invents things?
-
Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?
Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
-
How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.
-
What's the difference between a School and an ISIS training ground?
I don't know man, I just fly the drone
-
Why are there so many more men in the military?
Because ladies go in first.
-
What does the man say when he walks into the bar?
Can I please get a drink "
-
What do you call a man holding two apples in one hand and three oranges in another?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
-
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So that they can get closer to the sink.
-
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
-
How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
-
What did the man say when he realized the boy who asked him out was an orphan?
No home oh
-
What do you cal a man with no arms and no legs fighting with his cat?
Claude
-
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack
-
What do you call a man in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager.
-
Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet ?
To boldly go where no man has been before !
-
What does Lenny (of Mice and Men) do during foreplay?
Heavy petting.
-
What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years?
Pete.
-
Why are air hostesses bad at dating?
Most men aren't interested in **plane** women.
-
How do you separate the men from the boys in Sparta?
With a crowbar.
-
Why did the man throw duck food at Nurse Jackie?
Because she was a quack.
-
What are your best 'no arm, no legs' jokes?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on his porch Matt.
-
What did the police say to the man who wouldn't go to sleep?
He's resisting a rest!"
-
Why can't the man take his job seriously?
Because he's a clown! Buh bum tis
-
Why do Men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
-
Whats the odd one out ?
The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.
-
Why did the man bring his bed with him to the hospital?
It's because he heard hospital beds have a high mortality rate.
-
What did the man say to the Formula 1 driver who nearly rear-ended him?
Thanks Verstappen.
-
Why couldn't the cop save the hippie from drowning?
He was too far out man
-
How many possibilities does a man with no arms and legs have?
Limbitless
-
How can you tell baseball players are smarter than football players?
When was the last time you saw a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?
-
How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear?
It was a brief chase...
-
How are men like fuses?
Once they're blown, they're useless.
-
Why are women's feet smaller than men's?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
-
What do you call a man with no arms or legs playing in the leaves?
Russell.
-
What do you call the operation that turns a woman into a man?
An addadictamie.
-
What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
Ouch!"
-
Why are Cal Tech and MIT constantly Fighting?
Because MIT blames Cal Tech for stealing their Feynman, and there will never be another man as Fine.
-
What's a man in a hurry like to drink?
man-go juice!
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russel.
-
What does Wolverine and Caitlin Jenner have in common?
They're both X-Men.
-
How many cops does it take to push a man down the stairs?
None, he fell.
-
Why did the man steal mushrooms from the store?
Because he had no .
-
What do men and hardwood flooring have in common?
Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!
-
When do men insist that women are illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.
-
What did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed?
Thanks for the handy cap.
-
Who was that on the phone Fred?
Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !
-
How many bitter Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, we've decided to let a man do the job.
-
What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's?
Gold digging
-
How do you get a man in a coma hard?
Lick his Comatoes
-
Why didn't the hippie save the drowning swimmer?
He was too far out man
-
How is that a problem?
The man says, "I don't wake up until 10:30."
-
How does the Navy separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar
-
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me man... We'll go places. Peace. Hmath out.
-
Why do women love men who work with Horses?
Because those men have got Stable jobs.
-
How does a man cut his hair on the moon?
Eclipse it
-
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in water?
Bob
-
Where's your bin?
A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin. "Hey bub, where's ya bin" "I took a little vacation for a few weeks," "No. I meant where's your bin?" "Told ya, vacation, at the beach!" "No man. Where's ya wheely bin?" "Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"
-
Why couldn't Hillary win the election?
Women only win .7 votes for every one a man wins.
-
How do men in New Zealand address their women?
Hey! Ewe!"
-
Why did the man who stole my crops take aspirin?
Because he had my grains
-
What did the man say to the bee who wanted to learn the alphabet?
Nothing lmao bees cant learn.
-
What do you have on?
The man says, "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it."
-
Who is the only man to record more knock outs than Mike Tyson?
Bill Cosby
-
Why do women and children evacuate first in an emergency?
So the men can go on Reddit and repost this joke.
-
Why did the man sleep after being run over by a car?
Because he got tired.
-
How are men like television commercials?
A. You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 30 seconds.
-
Why did the man take a shower?
He was a thief
-
What happened to the man who owned a riding academy?
Business kept falling off!
-
What happens when the man shakes?
The windows milk shake!