Matter Jokes
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How many Jon Snows does it take to change a light bulb?
It wouldn't matter. Jon Snow knows nothing.
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Why do strippers look better in the club than outside the club?
Black lights matter.
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Why did Bill Nye crash his car?
Because inertia is a property of matter.
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How many femenists does it *really* take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter how many femenists try, they can't change anything. Alternatively, they just hold it up and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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What's the matter?
I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer " "No, dyslexia."
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Why is there so much segregation today?
All Fridays Matter
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What did the nihilist say to the physicist?
Nevermind, it doesn't really matter.
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How many states of matter are there?
5: solids, liquids, gases, plasma, and black lives
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What kind of speech did the farmer give his cornfield?
It didn't matter, they were all ears
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What is very big, gray, and just doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
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How many Environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they will never change a thing.
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Why isn't energy made of atoms?
It doesn't matter (go ahead and down vote :P)
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How many Serbs does in take to change a Lighbulb?
It doesn't matter..Theres a Blackout!
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What do you call a deaf dog?
It doesn't matter, it can't hear you anyway.
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What would happen if Russia ran out of vodka?
Well, my dear reddit, in nature there is law of conservation of matter. Therefore, if the vodka disappeared somewhere, it would appear somewhere else. And then there would be Russia.
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What's the matter with him?
Nothing. He's a positron."
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How is a speech impediment like a box of chocolates?
It doesn't really matter, as long as it has good cocoa content.
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Why does government matter?
It doesn't.
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Where do you go to meet the best fish?
It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.
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What kind of operating system do horses use?
None. Horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter.
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What does a guy want more than anything in the world?
It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.
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How many feminists does it take to screw in lightbulb?
It doesn't matter how many you get, because all they'll do is sit around complaining about how misogynistic the use of the word "screw" is.
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Why did the nihilist cross the road?
It doesn't matter.
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Whatever's the matter ?
asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'
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What are the four most common types of states of matter?
Solid, gas, liquid and Black Lives.
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What's the difference between matter and a hormone?
You can't make matter.
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Where do I lose my Arab friends?
I don't have any Arab friends, so it doesn't matter.
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How many ants does it take to rent a house?
Doesn't matter, ants can't rent a house
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How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.
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Why does no one care that space is a vacuum?
Oh it doesn't really matter.
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What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?
Doesn't matter, they both taste the same.
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What's better: A Parachute Jump or a BJ of a 90 year old?
doesn't matter... must not look down..
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What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?
It was just a matter of time.
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What do you give a kid with no hands for Christmas?
Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift
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What did one John say to the other John?
What's the matter You look flushed!"
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What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
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What's large, grey and doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
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What do David Carradine and the Mets have in common?
They both choke when it really matters.
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
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What did a chemist say to a deaf guy?
Does it matter
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Why can't you trust anything MATTER says?
Because it makes up everything.
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How do you find a dirty cop?
Call 911, it doesn't matter who answers
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.
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What happens when something travels faster than the speed of light?
Does it matter?
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How many PETA member does it take to change a lightbulb?
Doesnt matter. PETA cant chqnge anything!
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How many dank memes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter, just use the jet fuel instead.
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How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.
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How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Does it even matter? We're all screwed anyway, man."
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Why did Black Lives Matter arrange a protest on Coruscant?
because Mace Windu nuffin
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How many WoW devs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Doesn't matter. They'll just nerf darkness next patch instead.
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How many women are necessary to change a lightbulb?
One... but, what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it !
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How many Egalitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Doesn't matter, they'll just screw it one rotation one way and one rotation the other way and call it equality.
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How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.
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How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.
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Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then.
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What did one Redditer say to another?
Doesn't matter, the real joke is in the comments.
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How do you pronounce "nihilism?
It doesn't matter
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What do the Police, the NFL and Black Lives Matter all have in common?
They all have the same PR guy.
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What's the difference between a bird, and a bird with only one wing?
It's a matter of a pinion(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pinion).
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Why do we use whiteboards instead of blackboards?
Because black boards matter.
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Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy?
Because he thinks it doesn't matter if you make it or not
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What do you name a deaf dog?
It doesn't matter, he ain't coming anyways.
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Why was the electron mad?
Well, it doesn't really matter...
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What should I wear?
Mr. Salad asks. She replies, "It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed."
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What happens if I put a vial in another vial and then in another vial?
It doesn't matter.
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How man nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't matter.
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What do you call a dog that can't hear?
Doesn't matter much, does it
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What's the best thing about picking up a homeless chick?
It doesn't matter where you drop them off.
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What do you call a baby born at 4 months gestation?
Doesn't matter, still born.
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What did the astrophysicist say to the quark?
You matter.
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How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter, mine itches so bad it's on fire, providing plenty of light for everyone in the room!
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How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.
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How many members of Linkin Park does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, cuz in the end it doesn't even matter!!!
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What's a necrophiliacs favorite drink?
Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff.
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Which end of a bus is it best to get off?
It doesn't matter. Both ends stop.
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What's the matter with me?
That's easy," he said. "You're exhausted."
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What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?
Me: Doesn't matter, just get out.
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Why are they using two ply toilet paper in Russia?
Because authorities want a carbon copy of all matters.
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What is the creepiest letter of the alphabet?
V. Because no matter where you are, any time of any day, no matter what you do, V always follows U.
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What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?
It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.
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How many jail guards does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it matter Everyone knows the prison system can't change anything.