Mean Jokes
-
What does it mean when the Post Office flag is flying at half-staff?
They are hiring.
-
What flavor is it?
I think you mean 'what scent is it ' *with a mouthful of candle wax* -What
-
Where'd you go?
Him: "You meant with you "
-
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
One tenth " Good, now what does 10% mean "Battery low, plug in your phone " Perfect
-
What does it mean when a doctor has both hands on your shoulders?
The Prostate exam isn't going he way you expected
-
Where's your bin?
A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin. "Hey bub, where's ya bin" "I took a little vacation for a few weeks," "No. I meant where's your bin?" "Told ya, vacation, at the beach!" "No man. Where's ya wheely bin?" "Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"
-
Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?
He was a rough rider!
-
How did Reddit not fell down yet?
I mean, it is only hanging by threads...
-
What do you do, if you're jerking off when you're meant to do something else but you're putting it off?
Procrasturbation.
-
How did the hour and minute hands of the clock get cancer?
Second hand smoking! My own joke that I've been meaning to put up for a while. Time to see how it goes haha.
-
What's the deal with the phrase "door ajar"?
I mean, is it a door or is it a jar?
-
What's your favorite word?
5-Year-Old: Empathy! I don't even know what it means! Me- I know how you feel.
-
Whatcha got, reddit?
I am not funny and I need to be. I am writing a script for a short show that's formatted like "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. So that means one sentence about the topic, and then one liner joke. Thank you all!
-
How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Wellup and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
-
What does it mean when a groundhog sees a maple leaf on feb. 02?
six more weeks of bad hockey!
-
How do Freudians describe the human mind?
As a huge ENEMA, I mean huge enigma.....
-
What does it mean....?
He said, nag,nag,nag,nag!
-
Why should you never date a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them.
-
How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me! M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!
-
What does IDK mean?
I've yet to find someone who knows.
-
Why do urologists like UTIs?
It means urine business.
-
Why do tennis players never get married?
Because Love means nothing to them.
-
What's the meaning of life?
Why don't you google it?
-
How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Well up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
-
What does the new socialist leader of France mean for the country, Europe, and the world?
Nationalized wine.. Sounds like the right wing will have some whine too.
-
Where were you born?
Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That's not what I meant. M: I don't care.
-
What's the difference between Ireland and America?
When we say waterboarding in Ireland it means surfing.
-
Why does pokemon have only one save file per game?
I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)
-
What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?
What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."
-
What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
In a casino, you really mean it.
-
What do you mean I can't identify as a television?
Just watch me!
-
Why is it worse this time around?
Thermal cameras mean I can't save anyone by hiding them in my roof.
-
Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
-
What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for air, and calling your name?
You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.
-
How would you describe the average bully?
Mean.
-
What is meant by 'a pull factor'?
A big red sports car.
-
How many husbands have I had?
You mean apart from my own
-
What's in it?
HIM: What do you mean, "in it"
-
Whats another meaning for a women?
Finger puppet
-
How many Southerners does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change Whatever do you mean, *change*
-
What do you mean ?
Well she turned up the Minster turned up but the groom didn't !
-
What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?
I'm just asking for a friend)
-
Where is the lift?
American: You mean the elevator? English: Yes, we call it a lift. American: It's called an elevator. We invented it. English: And we invented the language.
-
What is the average Math teacher like?
Mean.
-
What 8 letter phrase means a healthy scratch?
Tim Tebow
-
What exactly is that?
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
-
When someone says something was made with "love" what exactly does that mean?
Did they jerk one off into the center of my cupcake
-
What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning M: missing the bus
-
When is the one time when no doesn't mean no?
When a woman rejects feminism.
-
What does COINCIDENCE' mean?
Student Funny, I was just going to ask you that.
-
What does it mean when a pedestrian has the right of way?
When you see a pedestrian, youve got to get them, right away
-
What do you mean I can't drink alcohol with this medication?
You're not a bartender! You're just a pharmacist.
-
What Chinese name means 'wolf'?
Hau Ling.
-
Why don't tennis players get married?
Because to them love means nothing.
-
Why is Gandalf so good in bed?
Because a wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.
-
What does it mean if you look down and see four balls instead of two?
Careful, you might be getting screwed.
-
What are three 2 letter words meaning small?
Is it in
-
What do you mean by being loud?
quiet the opposite.
-
What does GOP mean?
GOP" is onomatopoeic: it's the sound of anonymous penetration in public bathrooms late at night. -&y
-
Who sang the song "my own worst enemy"?
Them: I think it's Lit Me: I mean I like the song but I wouldn't call it lit...
-
What's a penguins favourite relative?
Aunt Arctica! PENGUIN . . ME makes flies over head motion PENGUIN I don't know what that means
-
What can happen when a car breaks down?
A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."
-
How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well it depends on what you mean by change.
-
What qualifies as a "short stack" of pancakes?
I mean, 2.5 feet is relatively short, right Yes Okay cool. Then I just ate a short stack.
-
What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider?
You're probably Australian. EDIT: I mean venomous, not poisonous. I am sorry
-
What did Mozart say to the police clerk?
I'll be Bach" hahaha. What do you mean they're different people
-
What do you mean, 10?
10 what Months Weeks !" Doctor: "Nine."
-
What's the deal with airplane peanuts?
I mean, seriously, are they seeing anyone?
-
What are your intentions?
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating." ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
-
What did it mean when they found bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
-
What's faster than a black man with your TV?
His son with your DVD player! I mean no racism in this joke*
-
What is a Budget?
A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.
-
Why don't tennis players ever get married?
Because love means nothing to them.
-
What do you mean you were really drunk?
I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.
-
How do you seize the means of production?
By overthrowing the bourgeoisie
-
Why Should You Never Marry A Tennis Player?
Because love means nothing to them!
-
Who's there ! Cricket ! Cricket who ?
Cricket neck means I can't lift anything !
-
What'd you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos. CW: Lol you mean Cherrios Me: No.
-
What is the meaning of afford?
It's the car most sales representatives drive.
-
What do you mean I've had enough to drink?
Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.
-
How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
-
How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
-
How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair?
Asking because Spider-Man... I mean... Just asking.
-
What's your cell phone?
iPhone. - No, I meant the number. - It's a 6. - No, to contact you. - I don't use it for that.
-
How do you know statisticians are always serious?
They mean what they say.
-
What does TTYL mean?
I replied, "Talk to you later". So she responded, "No! Talk to me now! What does it mean "
-
What exactly does BYOB mean?
Bring your own beer" Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
-
What do you mean you're not going to spank me?
I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you
-
What u doing later?
Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
-
What do you mean, ten?
Ten years Ten months Ten-" "Nine... Eight..."
-
What's her favorite song?
I'm Going Through the Big D and Don't Mean Dallas
-
What is "attempted theft" exactly?
I mean it's not like you see school librarians seeing a student use Wikipedia on one of the computers and puts them in detention for "attempted plagiarism"
-
What does it mean when a chameleon cant change color?
Reptile - disfunction
-
What "YSK" means?
Everyone keeps telling me that I should know...
-
What is the French verb that means "To declare war"?
Surrendre*
-
Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?
Because it means they *cantaloupe*
-
What's a ten-letter word meaning 'supplying nourishment'?
Sherlock replied, "Alimentary, my dear Watson."
-
Who is missing an egg?
there are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg.
-
What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
-
What does love mean to a tennis player?
Nothing
-
What do you mean?
It's all denty"
-
Why can't British people go to North Korea?
Nobody at the ticket counter knows what "north career" means
-
What does "IDK" mean?
I keep asking people, but they don't know either.
-
Which one!?
I mean let me see your license
-
Why are statistics more believable with a larger sample size?
The Ns justify the means.
-
What does AF mean?
After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF. Why do you ask 10: Mom said you were lazy AF.
-
What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff
-
Where's the nearest cycle path you meant?
Thought you said psychopath.
-
What does your mother do for a living?
She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."
-
What does it mean to be an Agnostic with insomnia and dyslexia?
You stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.
-
Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them.
-
What do you call it when three french cats get into a boat only meant for two?
Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq!
-
Whats up?
Me:Onion prices. S:You know what I mean,like What's crackin' M:Nutshells. S:Really Fine.What's poppin M:Corn. *Blocked*
-
What does it mean when you see a bunch of blacks running in one direction?
Jail break.
-
What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level
-
Why are people so sore about Russia taking the Crimea?
I mean cry me a river river right
-
What do you mean pi r square?
Pies are round
-
What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world?
You mean across
-
What does that mean?
More kids tripping in lab coats
-
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mother - I mean light bulb!
-
How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Each lightbulb contains the means of its own revolution.
-
Why did Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond never get a divorce?
She didn't want an ex Ray Edit: I meant debra
-
What did Serena say to Venus before they faced off in the US Open?
In tennis, love means nothing.
-
What did Justin Beiber say to his teacher?
What do you mean?
-
What are the four elements?
Pupil: Fire Earth Water and the Internet. Teacher: What do you mean the Internet Pupil: Well Mum says that whenever I'm on the Net I'm in my element.
-
Where's your better half?
The PS4's at home "No I mean-" Where WOULD it be Wow, dumb question.
-
Why do the proms stop after high school?
Just because I'm an adult now doesn't mean I don't still need to grind on people to Lil' Jon songs.
-
What do they always forget to do after filming a season of Game of Thrones?
The last one out is meant to get the Wights
-
What's the difference between a baby and a politician?
Saying they are full of sh*t means 2 completely different things.
-
Why did he do that?
Who is she What does that mean When did that happen Why How I need to go to the toilet. - Child, at the cinema
-
What do you mean the school must be haunted ?
Daughter: Well the principal kept going on about the school spirit.
-
How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them BOSS: What do you mean ME: Well, like for example, pickle
-
Whatya doin?
Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST
-
How a husband describe his wife?
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
-
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows Me covering tub of dead birds: is that the saying
-
What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!
-
What does FTFY even mean?
I swear to god people abuse acronyms so much.
-
Why doesn't Connecticut have a name for it people?
What I mean is that people from NY are New Yorkers, people from California are Californian, and coincidentally people from Colorado and Washington are Potheads.
-
Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving?
It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.
-
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?
I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
-
Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right
-
What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you're calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
-
What do you mean he's your half son?
What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.
-
What is the definition of a Freudian slip?
when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.
-
What's this?
Me: A napkin holder K: What's a napkin M: You wipe your hands on it when they're dirty K: You mean like the couch M: ...
-
What did the aardvark say to Noah?
What do you mean you only brought two ants!
-
What did the other nose say to the other nose when it was crying?
It told it a Nak-Nak joke! (In my language Urdu, Nak means nose.)
-
Why don't the Germans care about the word, 'nichts'?
It means nothing to them.
-
When someone ask me... How are you?
I answer back... You mean in bed
-
Why are terrorists so mean?
Because they don't like Nice people.
-
Where's your wedding ring?
I said, "I had to wash my hands so I took it off and placed it on my lover--I mean your mother's kitchen counter."
-
What do you mean, Johnny?
Is it shaped like a peanut " "No," says Johnny. "It's salty"
-
What did the Black owner of the BMW do to deserve jail?
You mean, black people have to DO something to deserve jail p.s I know I am going dowwwnn for this
-
What do you get when you put birthday candles on a pizza?
You can't figure it out I mean, it's a pizz'a cake.
-
Where is Jennifer's husband?
Jennifer is 21 years older than her son Douglas. 6 years from now, Jennifer will be 5 times as old as Douglas. Question: Where is Jennifer's husband? Solution: J=D+21 J+6=5(D+6) According to my math, Douglas has 3/4 years, which means -9 months. Pregnancy lasts for nine months, so Jennifer's husband is in the bed with her right now. Sauce:
-
What is the best anti-joke you know?
Well a joke that isn't funny, but still is because it isn't. If you know what I mean. These are kind of much easier to remember.
-
Why are so many guys mean to their girl friends ?
Because of the .
-
How was I supposed to know they meant combined?
They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old
-
What do you mean you can't sleep?
It's so easy I could do it with my eyes close! Me: *walks away*
-
What does it mean when a lion roars?
Shut up. The movie is about to start.
-
What does amnesia mean?
Someone told me but I forgot.
-
What are your expectations?
Me : Job. Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job Me : Salary
-
What can I do to stop my addiction?
She said, "Whatever means necessary." "No it doesn't," I said.
-
What does it mean when you see a flag flying at half-mast outside of a mostly white high school?
They're hiring.
-
Why is a UTI such a bad thing?
Because it means urine trouble
-
What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?
After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."
-
What other miracles can you do?
Jesus: I can varnish 'You mean vanish ' J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite
-
What letter should you avoid?
The letter A because it makes men mean.
-
What do you mean I can't change the past?
logs on to Wikipedia*
-
Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean 4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks
-
Why are pirates so mean?
They just ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!
-
How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked. Me: She means how do we manage...but yeah.
-
What does it mean if a dude looks down and sees four balls instead of two?
He needs to be very careful, because he may be getting screwed.
-
What denomination are the coins in Super Mario Bros?
They're dollar coins, because a quarter is two bits, which means a dollar is 8 bits.
-
What's the difference between politics and engineering?
What POC means.
-
What two things look exactly the opposite but mean exactly the same?
9/11 and 11/9 - darkest days in American history
-
What rhymes with left and means steal?
theft
-
Why is it better to be ashy?
cause it just means you spit more fire
-
Why were you late ?
Sorry teacher I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !
-
How do you spell ichael?
The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael " she asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."
-
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They don't accept change, even if it means a brighter world.