Mind Jokes

  • What did the Zionist rabbi say when he heard about the plight of the Palestinian people?

    Never mind their wailing. We'll just build more walls!

  • Why was the physicist being so careful not to insult his colleague's choice of generalized coordinates and momentum?

    He was just minding his Ps and Qs.

  • What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?

    A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

  • Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

    Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

  • What was the first thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 victims?

    Their knees! Please comment "No"

  • What do I think about my toes?

    They couldn't be further from my mind.

  • Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who?

    Never mind. It's pointless.

  • What will you have, Sir?

    Bacon my day, sonny!" Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works

  • Why was the monster standing on his head?

    He was turning things over in his mind.

  • What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

    A maybe.

  • What did Alan Rickman say as he stood over David Bowie's grave?

    Mind if I Slytherin

  • What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?

    A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

  • What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

    One minds the train the other trains the mind.

  • Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

    Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

  • What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

    1. No mind. 2. No business.

  • What did the man say to the priest at the beach?

    Do you mind getting out of my son.

  • What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

    Is there a dog?

  • How is your job and your wife different?

    I don't mind telling work the other jobs I've done

  • What do you call a republican fashion director?

    Clothed minded

  • What's warm, white, and I drink almost every night?

    Warm milk before bed... Get your mind out of the gutter!

  • What did 2 say to 3 about 6?

    Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!

  • What's on your mind?

    it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.

  • Why is it so hard to make up your mind on what to get in an Italian restaurant?

    A: There are just too many pastabilities!

  • Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?

    Never mind...it's tearable

  • Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain?

    A: I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind.

  • What do you call a person that ran away but changed their minds?


  • How do you annoy a computer person with a problem?

    Never mind, I figured it out.

  • What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?

    They will give you a piece of your mind.

  • What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so?

    Curses, foiled again!"

  • Why does Daenerys Targaryen listen to Hoagy Carmichael?

    Because she's got Jorah on Her Mind.

  • Want to hear my pizza joke?

    Never mind, it's too cheesy.

  • What did Terry-Thomas say before giving oral?

    I say, Mind the gap"

  • What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?

    Mind the GAAP.

  • What do you call a man of high authority, stoned out of his mind strolling along in the forest?


  • What did the Jamaican man say when asked why he didn't mind going to jail for stealing the Pikachu card?

    I love the pokey, mon.

  • Why was the hamster a bad Supreme Court Justice?

    Because his mind was always on a pellet.

  • Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's?

    A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter and they don't mind if you bring friends.

  • How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

    What sort of answer did you have in mind None-just assume it's changed.

  • What's the one thing a hoarder has no trouble letting go of?

    Their mind

  • What did the guy say after he finished jacking off?

    Well that got a load off my mind.

  • Whats happening?

    FB=Whats on your mind FourSquare= Where am I Quora=what Youtube=What Im watching. LinkedIn=Whats in it for me

  • What did the man who survived a javelin headwound say to his opponent?

    Thanks for opening my mind.

  • What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day?

    Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!

  • What is literally the most important fact you'll ever learn, that will totally blow your mind?

    That people exaggerate.

  • Why was 6 afraid of 11?

    Because 11 snaps people's necks with her mind.

  • Whatcha doin?

    Papa would say, "I'M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS." Best advice ever.

  • What did the NFL Commissioner say when Adele turned down the Superbowl Halftime Show?

    Never mind, I'll find someone like you

  • When is your mind like a rumpled bed?

    When it isn't made up yet.

  • What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind?

    Second Caribou: A maybee.

  • Why did your car just spin around in circles?

    Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.

  • What do we do now?

    He said never mind we'll walk.

  • What do your mother and a marathon have in common?

    They are both doable as long as you don't mind following a bunch of black guys.

  • Which service do you require?

    Me: Oh! Don't mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.

  • Why shouldn't you talk to someone with a brain tumor?

    because they've got a lot on their mind.

  • What did the elevator say to the stairs?

    Never mind, I'll escalator

  • What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?

    Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)

  • What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?

    One trains the mind the other minds the train.

  • What's the difference between a shopping cart and a radical feminist?

    A shopping cart will, on occasion, exhibit a mind of it's own

  • What would Caitlyn Jenner need to do if she changed her mind about being a woman?

    She would need to reJennerate some balls. What does Caitlyn Jenner do before she goes out Bruce's up for the evening.

  • What color should I get?

    Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.

  • Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?