Mind Jokes
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What did the Zionist rabbi say when he heard about the plight of the Palestinian people?
Never mind their wailing. We'll just build more walls!
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Why was the physicist being so careful not to insult his colleague's choice of generalized coordinates and momentum?
He was just minding his Ps and Qs.
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What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
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Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
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What was the first thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 victims?
Their knees! Please comment "No"
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What do I think about my toes?
They couldn't be further from my mind.
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Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who?
Never mind. It's pointless.
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What will you have, Sir?
Bacon my day, sonny!" Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works
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Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.
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What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybe.
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What did Alan Rickman say as he stood over David Bowie's grave?
Mind if I Slytherin
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What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?
One minds the train the other trains the mind.
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Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
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What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
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What did the man say to the priest at the beach?
Do you mind getting out of my son.
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What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?
Is there a dog?
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How is your job and your wife different?
I don't mind telling work the other jobs I've done
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What do you call a republican fashion director?
Clothed minded
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What's warm, white, and I drink almost every night?
Warm milk before bed... Get your mind out of the gutter!
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What did 2 say to 3 about 6?
Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!
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What's on your mind?
it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.
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Why is it so hard to make up your mind on what to get in an Italian restaurant?
A: There are just too many pastabilities!
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Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
Never mind...it's tearable
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Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain?
A: I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind.
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What do you call a person that ran away but changed their minds?
Canteloupe
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How do you annoy a computer person with a problem?
Never mind, I figured it out.
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What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
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What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so?
Curses, foiled again!"
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Why does Daenerys Targaryen listen to Hoagy Carmichael?
Because she's got Jorah on Her Mind.
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Want to hear my pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
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What did Terry-Thomas say before giving oral?
I say, Mind the gap"
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What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?
Mind the GAAP.
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What do you call a man of high authority, stoned out of his mind strolling along in the forest?
Hiking
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What did the Jamaican man say when asked why he didn't mind going to jail for stealing the Pikachu card?
I love the pokey, mon.
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Why was the hamster a bad Supreme Court Justice?
Because his mind was always on a pellet.
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Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's?
A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter and they don't mind if you bring friends.
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How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
What sort of answer did you have in mind None-just assume it's changed.
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What's the one thing a hoarder has no trouble letting go of?
Their mind
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What did the guy say after he finished jacking off?
Well that got a load off my mind.
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Whats happening?
FB=Whats on your mind FourSquare= Where am I Quora=what Youtube=What Im watching. LinkedIn=Whats in it for me
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What did the man who survived a javelin headwound say to his opponent?
Thanks for opening my mind.
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What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day?
Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!
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What is literally the most important fact you'll ever learn, that will totally blow your mind?
That people exaggerate.
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Why was 6 afraid of 11?
Because 11 snaps people's necks with her mind.
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Whatcha doin?
Papa would say, "I'M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS." Best advice ever.
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What did the NFL Commissioner say when Adele turned down the Superbowl Halftime Show?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
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When is your mind like a rumpled bed?
When it isn't made up yet.
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What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind?
Second Caribou: A maybee.
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Why did your car just spin around in circles?
Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.
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What do we do now?
He said never mind we'll walk.
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What do your mother and a marathon have in common?
They are both doable as long as you don't mind following a bunch of black guys.
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Which service do you require?
Me: Oh! Don't mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.
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Why shouldn't you talk to someone with a brain tumor?
because they've got a lot on their mind.
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What did the elevator say to the stairs?
Never mind, I'll escalator
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What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?
Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)
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What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?
One trains the mind the other minds the train.
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What's the difference between a shopping cart and a radical feminist?
A shopping cart will, on occasion, exhibit a mind of it's own
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What would Caitlyn Jenner need to do if she changed her mind about being a woman?
She would need to reJennerate some balls. What does Caitlyn Jenner do before she goes out Bruce's up for the evening.
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What color should I get?
Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.
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Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
Rude"olph