Miss Jokes
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Why wasn't toto as excited as dorothy when they traveled the yellow brick road?
he missed the rains down in africa
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What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?
I missed you
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What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning M: missing the bus
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Why can't America play chess?
They are missing 2 towers
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What did the farmer say about his missing vegetables?
Lettuce pray they turnip.
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What do you call a shirt missing its sleeves?
An ampu-tee.
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Why can't a storm trooper get a girl pregnant?
Because they always miss their target!
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What are a boyfriend's two most dreaded words?
Missed.
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Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?
To help them find missing sea men.
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What do you call batman when he misses church?
Christian Bail
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Why was the car naked?
It was missing a tire.
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What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?
Help! My pocket's been picked!
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Why did 10 go missing?
Because 9/11.
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Why must rabbits never miss dinner?
With out their tea they'd be Rabbis.
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How high can Miss Piggy count?
68, because at 69 she gets a frog in her throat...
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Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 70?
She got a frog stuck in her throat at 69.
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What's missing from star wars 7?
Maybe SPOILER Nobody's limbs.
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What do you call a person who is missing his left eye, left ear, left arm and left leg?
Alright.
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Why did Dracula miss lunch?
Because he didn't fancy the stake.
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What did the boy say when his dog died?
What did the boy say when his dog died? I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend.
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Which vitamine are feminists missing?
D
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Why did the terrorists have to blow up a Paris nightclub?
Because their planes kept missing the Eiffel Tower.
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What do you call an octopus that's missing one tentacle?
Octopus Prime.
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Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because every time she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
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What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?
He waits at the next station
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What's the difference between a Stormtrooper and a Zoo Keeper?
The Storm Trooper would have missed harambe
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What's the difference between a tiger and a lion ?
A tiger has the mane part missing !
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How do you know that an Asian has robbed your house?
Your mailbox is missing!
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Why did Edward miss his flight out of Russia?
Because he was Snowden.
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When did you first miss it dear?
Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.
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Why is the USA so bad at chess?
Because they are missing two towers.
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What did the asteroid say when his trajectory missed earth?
I guess I didn't plan it very well!"
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Who's there ! Cynthia ! Cynthia who ?
Cynthia you been away I missed you !
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Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?
Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.
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What does a good joke and a man who's dropped his last Viagra down the drain have in common?
A missed erection.
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Why do you never see any Stormtroopers as photographers?
They always miss the shot
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Why were you speeding?
Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most Wanted."
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What did Matthew McConaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn?
A right a right a right!
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Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! In other room *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
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How do you know when a black chick is pregnant?
When she pulls out her tampon and all of the cotton is missing..
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What does the guy who has been backpacking just a bit too long miss most about home ?
A home-cooked shower.
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Why can't a Stormtrooper have a baby?
Because they always miss.
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Why do Stormtroopers never laugh?
Because they always miss the joke
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What was the only thing missing from phil hughes' last innings?
a duck
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Which trees miss you the most?
Pine trees
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What kind of vehicle swerved to miss a talking lizard in the road?
Dodged-a-Rango
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What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ?
Weight for it...
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What is Lionel Messi's favorite soft drink?
Si, era Missed
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Why did the Italian miss his dinner?
It'a was'a pasta his bed time
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How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb?
Six-1 to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.
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Why can't Americans play chess ?
Because they are missing two towers.
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Why was the composer late for work?
He missed Debussy. I'll just leave.
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Who is he?
Crash Bandicoot God I miss this guy.
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What do you call a bear that is missing all of its teeth??
A Gummy Bear!
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Why did the bat miss the bus?
Because he hung around for too long.
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Why can't America ever win a chess tournament?
Because they're missing two towers
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What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet?
Urine trouble.
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What happens in a battle between storm troopers and red shirts?
Star Trek) The storm troopers all miss, and the red shirts all die
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What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?
My Favorite, When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
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Why was the London sperm bank so unsuccessful?
The were only two donors. One came on the bus, the other missed the tube.
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Why did John Lennon get shot?
because Mark Chapman was a terrible shot, and kept missing Yoko.
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What do miss Frizzle and the catholic church have in common?
They've both been in little boys.
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Why are storm troopers so clingy?
Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.
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Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 100?
Because when she got to 69, there was a frog in her throat.
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What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?
He waits for it at the next stop.
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What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.
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What is can't short for ?
Pupil: Cannot miss Teacher: and what is don't short for Pupil: Doughnut !
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Why did the veggie band sound horrible live?
Because they were missing a beet.
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What do armed forces at sea feel when depressed?
The Navy blues What part of the Mac's desktop would seafarers miss when at sea for a loooong time The Dock
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Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?
At 69 she always gets a frog in her throat.
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Whose funeral was this photo taken at?
John, serious tone: "I dunno. Let's see who's missing" possible funniest thing john has said
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How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?
A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"
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Why do they put half of the instructions in Spanish?
It drives me crazy. I feel like I am missing out on important information. They should put the whole thing in one language.
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What did JFK Jr miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
The runway
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Why can't the train lady have a baby?
Because she's miss carriaged.
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What did the anti-vaccer say to her son?
I miss you.
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What do you call it when a golfer misses the hole?
Fore-play
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Why arent the americans playing chess?
they are missing two towers.
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Why did the football coach call his quarterback a hairdresser?
Because he missed a split-end on a curl.
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What do you call a cow that's missing a leg?
A 3 legged cow
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What do you call a missing psychic midget?
A small medium at large.
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How do you get into these!?
Yo, evolution: You missed one..
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What do you call a deer missing an eye?
No-eye deer.
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Who is missing an egg?
there are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg.
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What's the difference between most people and planes?
Most people miss the twin towers.
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What's the difference between bullets and everyone ?
Everyone misses Harambe.
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Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships?
Because they'd miss each other.
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What's the one thing missing from the offensive jokes on r/jokes?
Karma, Whores.
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What has six legs and goes "Hodeedo, hodeedo?
Three black guys about to miss the elevator
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What if the missing plane is still up there?
What " Did you check the sky "No." See, this is why you'll never advance, Kevin.
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How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener
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What do you call a steak that is a girl?
Miss.Steak
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What did the carnivore say to the vegan?
That's a missed-steak"
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What do you call a skank playing "H.O.R.S.E?
She missed two shots, so she's a ho. I'll leave now.
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Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit?
WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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Why did the horse miss the joust?
He had the knight off!
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What do Storm Troopers and Bone Thugs N Harmony have in common?
They are both going to miss every body.
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What's a pirate's favourite letter?
A P. Because it's like an ARR, but it's missing a leg.
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What does a redneck do when he misses his girlfriend?
Reload, take better aim.
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What do you call a six sided shape that's missing?
A hex-a-gone
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Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting?
He knew that some of them wouldn't miss the blind ...
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What do you call inexplicably missing aioli?
Awoli.
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Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson?
Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.
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Why couldn't I run the Compressed File?
I was missing the important Bits.
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What do bullets and I have in common?
We don't miss Harambe.
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Why are there only 49 Miss Black America contestants?
Because none of them want to be Miss. Idaho
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Where did the farmer find his missing baby horse?
In the foliage.
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What do you do when you miss your ex?
Reload and shoot again.
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What room is missing from almost every house?
a Mushroom
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What do you call a terrorist who's missing an eye?
Him: I give up Me: A terrorst
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Why was the robot cold?
He was missing his winter gear
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Why did the woman miss the spaghetti train?
Because it went straight pasta.
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What do you do if King Kong sits in front of you at the cinema?
Miss most of the film!
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Why does a dog lick it's balls?
Because they're delicious. What? You've never tried them? You're missing out.
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Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it?
Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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Why is stormtrooper always late from work?
He keeps missing his train
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Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?
The specific ocean.
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Why did Ibuprofen miss his friends?
Because Paracetamol on fire.