Miss Jokes

  • Why wasn't toto as excited as dorothy when they traveled the yellow brick road?

    he missed the rains down in africa

  • What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

    I missed you

  • What drives you?

    Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning M: missing the bus

  • Why can't America play chess?

    They are missing 2 towers

  • What did the farmer say about his missing vegetables?

    Lettuce pray they turnip.

  • What do you call a shirt missing its sleeves?

    An ampu-tee.

  • Why can't a storm trooper get a girl pregnant?

    Because they always miss their target!

  • What are a boyfriend's two most dreaded words?


  • Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?

    To help them find missing sea men.

  • What do you call batman when he misses church?

    Christian Bail

  • Why was the car naked?

    It was missing a tire.

  • What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?

    Help! My pocket's been picked!

  • Why did 10 go missing?

    Because 9/11.

  • Why must rabbits never miss dinner?

    With out their tea they'd be Rabbis.

  • How high can Miss Piggy count?

    68, because at 69 she gets a frog in her throat...

  • Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 70?

    She got a frog stuck in her throat at 69.

  • What's missing from star wars 7?

    Maybe SPOILER Nobody's limbs.

  • What do you call a person who is missing his left eye, left ear, left arm and left leg?


  • Why did Dracula miss lunch?

    Because he didn't fancy the stake.

  • What did the boy say when his dog died?

    What did the boy say when his dog died? I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend.

  • Which vitamine are feminists missing?


  • Why did the terrorists have to blow up a Paris nightclub?

    Because their planes kept missing the Eiffel Tower.

  • What do you call an octopus that's missing one tentacle?

    Octopus Prime.

  • Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

    Because every time she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

  • What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

    He waits at the next station

  • What's the difference between a Stormtrooper and a Zoo Keeper?

    The Storm Trooper would have missed harambe

  • What's the difference between a tiger and a lion ?

    A tiger has the mane part missing !

  • How do you know that an Asian has robbed your house?

    Your mailbox is missing!

  • Why did Edward miss his flight out of Russia?

    Because he was Snowden.

  • When did you first miss it dear?

    Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

  • Why is the USA so bad at chess?

    Because they are missing two towers.

  • What did the asteroid say when his trajectory missed earth?

    I guess I didn't plan it very well!"

  • Who's there ! Cynthia ! Cynthia who ?

    Cynthia you been away I missed you !

  • Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?

    Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.

  • What does a good joke and a man who's dropped his last Viagra down the drain have in common?

    A missed erection.

  • Why do you never see any Stormtroopers as photographers?

    They always miss the shot

  • Why were you speeding?

    Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most Wanted."

  • What did Matthew McConaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn?

    A right a right a right!

  • Where are the posters?

    WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! In other room *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

  • How do you know when a black chick is pregnant?

    When she pulls out her tampon and all of the cotton is missing..

  • What does the guy who has been backpacking just a bit too long miss most about home ?

    A home-cooked shower.

  • Why can't a Stormtrooper have a baby?

    Because they always miss.

  • Why do Stormtroopers never laugh?

    Because they always miss the joke

  • What was the only thing missing from phil hughes' last innings?

    a duck

  • Which trees miss you the most?

    Pine trees

  • What kind of vehicle swerved to miss a talking lizard in the road?


  • What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ?

    Weight for it...

  • What is Lionel Messi's favorite soft drink?

    Si, era Missed

  • Why did the Italian miss his dinner?

    It'a was'a pasta his bed time

  • How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb?

    Six-1 to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

  • Why can't Americans play chess ?

    Because they are missing two towers.

  • Why was the composer late for work?

    He missed Debussy. I'll just leave.

  • Who is he?

    Crash Bandicoot God I miss this guy.

  • What do you call a bear that is missing all of its teeth??

    A Gummy Bear!

  • Why did the bat miss the bus?

    Because he hung around for too long.

  • Why can't America ever win a chess tournament?

    Because they're missing two towers

  • What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet?

    Urine trouble.

  • What happens in a battle between storm troopers and red shirts?

    Star Trek) The storm troopers all miss, and the red shirts all die

  • What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

    My Favorite, When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

  • Why was the London sperm bank so unsuccessful?

    The were only two donors. One came on the bus, the other missed the tube.

  • Why did John Lennon get shot?

    because Mark Chapman was a terrible shot, and kept missing Yoko.

  • What do miss Frizzle and the catholic church have in common?

    They've both been in little boys.

  • Why are storm troopers so clingy?

    Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.

  • Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 100?

    Because when she got to 69, there was a frog in her throat.

  • What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

    He waits for it at the next stop.

  • What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?

    A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

  • What is can't short for ?

    Pupil: Cannot miss Teacher: and what is don't short for Pupil: Doughnut !

  • Why did the veggie band sound horrible live?

    Because they were missing a beet.

  • What do armed forces at sea feel when depressed?

    The Navy blues What part of the Mac's desktop would seafarers miss when at sea for a loooong time The Dock

  • Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?

    At 69 she always gets a frog in her throat.

  • Whose funeral was this photo taken at?

    John, serious tone: "I dunno. Let's see who's missing" possible funniest thing john has said

  • How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

    A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

  • Why do they put half of the instructions in Spanish?

    It drives me crazy. I feel like I am missing out on important information. They should put the whole thing in one language.

  • What did JFK Jr miss most about Martha's Vineyard?

    The runway

  • Why can't the train lady have a baby?

    Because she's miss carriaged.

  • What did the anti-vaccer say to her son?

    I miss you.

  • What do you call it when a golfer misses the hole?


  • Why arent the americans playing chess?

    they are missing two towers.

  • Why did the football coach call his quarterback a hairdresser?

    Because he missed a split-end on a curl.

  • What do you call a cow that's missing a leg?

    A 3 legged cow

  • What do you call a missing psychic midget?

    A small medium at large.

  • How do you get into these!?

    Yo, evolution: You missed one..

  • What do you call a deer missing an eye?

    No-eye deer.

  • Who is missing an egg?

    there are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg.

  • What's the difference between most people and planes?

    Most people miss the twin towers.

  • What's the difference between bullets and everyone ?

    Everyone misses Harambe.

  • Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships?

    Because they'd miss each other.

  • What's the one thing missing from the offensive jokes on r/jokes?

    Karma, Whores.

  • What has six legs and goes "Hodeedo, hodeedo?

    Three black guys about to miss the elevator

  • What if the missing plane is still up there?

    What " Did you check the sky "No." See, this is why you'll never advance, Kevin.

  • How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?

    When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener

  • What do you call a steak that is a girl?


  • What did the carnivore say to the vegan?

    That's a missed-steak"

  • What do you call a skank playing "H.O.R.S.E?

    She missed two shots, so she's a ho. I'll leave now.

  • Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit?

    WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.

  • How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?

    When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

  • Why did the horse miss the joust?

    He had the knight off!

  • What do Storm Troopers and Bone Thugs N Harmony have in common?

    They are both going to miss every body.

  • What's a pirate's favourite letter?

    A P. Because it's like an ARR, but it's missing a leg.

  • What does a redneck do when he misses his girlfriend?

    Reload, take better aim.

  • What do you call a six sided shape that's missing?

    A hex-a-gone

  • Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting?

    He knew that some of them wouldn't miss the blind ...

  • What do you call inexplicably missing aioli?


  • Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson?

    Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.

  • Why couldn't I run the Compressed File?

    I was missing the important Bits.

  • What do bullets and I have in common?

    We don't miss Harambe.

  • Why are there only 49 Miss Black America contestants?

    Because none of them want to be Miss. Idaho

  • Where did the farmer find his missing baby horse?

    In the foliage.

  • What do you do when you miss your ex?

    Reload and shoot again.

  • What room is missing from almost every house?

    a Mushroom

  • What do you call a terrorist who's missing an eye?

    Him: I give up Me: A terrorst

  • Why was the robot cold?

    He was missing his winter gear

  • Why did the woman miss the spaghetti train?

    Because it went straight pasta.

  • What do you do if King Kong sits in front of you at the cinema?

    Miss most of the film!

  • Why does a dog lick it's balls?

    Because they're delicious. What? You've never tried them? You're missing out.

  • Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?

    A: Because if they get lost it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

  • How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it?

    Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

  • Why is stormtrooper always late from work?

    He keeps missing his train

  • Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

    The specific ocean.

  • Why did Ibuprofen miss his friends?

    Because Paracetamol on fire.