Mom Jokes
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What'sApp Me: Mom, what's for dinner?
Mom : typing ... *gets married* *have kids* *gets old* *dies* *goes to hell* Mom: Fish, honey!
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What do your mom and the Baltimore Police have in common?
They both like giving nickel rides to black men!
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What's the difference between a BJ and reddit gold?
Your mom never gave me reddit gold.
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What do Jesus and your mom have in common?
They both got nailed all night.
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When my girlfriend asks "mom, what are you doing!?
I reply "Taxes."
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What do you call a cow... With three legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs That's right! Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs .... YOUR MOM.
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What do you call... A cow with one leg?
Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs Your mom
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What do neutrinos and I have in common?
We're always penetrating your mom
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What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes?
Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.
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What is the most recycled joke that keeps getting used?
Your mom.
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What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese?
Rastafriedrice
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What's big, thick, hairy, and makes babies?
Your mom.
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What's the difference between a washing machine and your mom?
The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!
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What's the difference between three black guys and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
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What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and your mom?
Biggie loves it when you call him Big Poppa, while your mom just loves it when you call.
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What time?
Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
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What's the difference between awkward and awful?
Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her
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What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca?
One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.
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Why do Mexican students act like they own the school?
Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof
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Why's the little boy scarred for life after going to buy his mom some earrings?
He went to Jared.
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What company makes Nerds?
Your mom.
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What do your mom and a camel have in common?
They both spit.
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Why do Mexicans always walk around like the own the place?
Their dad built it, and their mom cleans it
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What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building?
Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building
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How do you cover 18 holes with one hole?
Have your mom sit down on a golf course.
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What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves?
Your mom.
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How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap.
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What did one plant say to the other plant that was annoying him?
Please leaf me alone! Or I'll tell my mom, and you'll get in trouble.
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What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea?
Help! I'm melting!
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What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mom?
Your mom is funny.
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What's wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.
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How fast can Klingon's run?
About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.
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What do your mom and monkeys have in common?
Macaque
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What did the mom say when she found out her son was going to be a evil spy?
Abort mission!
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How long does it take light to travel from the sun to the earth?
Not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom.
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What does your mom and your driveway have in common?
They both have a GARBAGE box.
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Why can't Kylie Jenner see her mom?
Because she's trans-parent
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What's a man?
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom
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How's my baby girl?
Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much
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How do you make a horomone?
You don't pay her. (My mom is sick. Hilarious. But sick. )
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What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?
If I dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around for the next few weeks.
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How old is your girlfriend?
She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!" "Yeah, actually it's yours"
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Who would win in a fight...your mom or your dad?
From the looks of it, your dad won
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Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car
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When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?
Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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What about your mom?
No, no. Dad wouldn't allow that."
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How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult?
It's like, oh you gave birth to me Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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How to not get scolded by your parents if you want GTA V?
Mom! I want to play GTA V! Giant Turtles ATTACK V!
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What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?
A runner in scoring position.
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Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired. 3: Why are you tired Me: Because I'm a mom. 3: Why are you a mom Me: 3:
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What's a GF?
Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many.
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What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
my girlfriend who's a high school teacher heard this from a student the other day) Q: What do you call a cow with 3 legs? A: Lean Beef Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground Beef Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs? A: Your mom
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What's the difference between an airplane bathroom and your mom?
Your mom can fit 3 people inside her comfortably!
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Who was bigger, the baby or his mom?
The baby, because he's a little Bigger.
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What do I have in common with neutrinos ?
We're both constantly penetrating your mom
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Why was the young strawberry upset?
Cause his mom was in a jam. :(
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What's similar between you mom and a bottle of Tide detergent?
They can both take about 65 loads.
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What did you get your mom for Mother's Day tomorrow?
Besides a tiny, brief panic attack
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Why was the strawberry crying?
Because it's mom was in a real jam.
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What did Sigmund Freud do for mother's day?
His mom.
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Why was the strawberry sad?
His mom was in a jam!
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Why was the young snowflake so upset?
Because he just watched his mom get plowed.
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What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud MOM: A generator For what KID: To charge our iPods
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What do you call your mom who used to be your dad?
A transparent ( )
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Whatcha making?
Mom: Dill bread. Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough Mom: Get out.
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What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?
Look ma, no hands!
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Why did the man tell his mom to get him out of prison?
She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.
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When a guy yells out, "Linda why didn't you give your mom any grandkids?
She yelled back, "Because I swallowed them all!"
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What is the difference between a cheap whore and an expensive whore?
One is your mom the other one gets paid more.
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Why gypsies boys let their mustache to grow?
To look more like their mom.
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Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?
His answer: "My mom."
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What's big and round and full of seamen?
Your mom
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How is your mom just like a laundromat?
For a dollar in quarters she will take my load.
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Why is your mom like a 360 noscope?
Cuz I wouldn't hit that.
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What did the dumb blonde say when told that "Scheherezade" was composed by Rimsky-Korsakov ?
A: "Why'd his mom choose to call him Rimsky of all names !! "
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What do your mom and Jesus have in common?
They both got nailed
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What is the difference between your mom and Kim Kardashian?
One is a dirty whore and the other is Kim Kardashian.
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What do you say when your mom walks in on you fapping?
C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
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How do you estimate your kids lifespan?
Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.
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What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced?
His mom got soul custody.
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Why does Juan walk around the school like he owns the place?
Because his dad built it and his mom cleans it
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How do you get out of Sunday school?
You tell your mom you're Sikh.
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Why didn't your back break, mom?
You're adopted."
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How long have you had this problem?
the doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41
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What do your mom and Poland have in common?
a lot of countries have been inside her.
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Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?
Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."
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Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.
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Why am I black and you're white?
A boy asks his mom, Why am I black and you're white? She says, Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark
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What's wrong with little Timmy?
Mom, sad): He went to Jared.
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What did woody and buzz say to your mom?
Strange to see your toys have the same name as us."
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Why was the baby strawberry sad?
His mom was in a jam.
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Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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Why is my mom always right about everything?
Because she said so and that's final.
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Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions
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What's the difference between an alpaca and your Mom?
One is a hairy beast that spits, the other is native to South America.
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When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?
Not yet," she replied
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What does my mom and a turkey have in common?
They both died on Thanksgiving
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What did justin beiber say to his mom?
I FOUND MY MICROSCOPE, now all I need is my lotion and tweezers
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What did the little ghost give his mom for Mother's Day?
A booquet of flowers.
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Why do babies cry so much?
YOU'RE MOM.
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Who pushed the neonate out an endometrium?
Your mom.
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Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find their mom?
Because she is Trans-parent! (Not hate. Just a pun I thought of.)
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Why did I cross the road?
Because your mom was on the other side..
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What do you call a cow on no legs?
Ground beef. What do you call a cow on three legs Tri-Tip. What do you call a cow on two legs Your mom.
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What's more annoying on the internet, a troll or spam?
Your mom!
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Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you're stupid
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What's updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u Dad (from hallway): OWNED
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What's the difference between a waitress and your mom?
A waitress leaves me alone after I give her the tip.
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What do you call the corner of 69th and main?
Your moms place of employment
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What's the difference between my bike and your mom?
Your dad doesn't watch when I ride my bike.
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What do Aids, Syphilis and Chlamydia have in common?
Your mom.
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What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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Where's the cake?
Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.
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What do you call people who use the pull-out method?
Mom and Dad.
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What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?
My dad didn't meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5
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How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty?
She kept wetting the bed.
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How are neutrinos and i alike?
Were both constantly penetrating your mom
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How did Helen Keller get punished?
Her mom rearranged the living room
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When your mom is mad at you and finds anything to throw at you https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=75cA3xmssM
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What does AF mean?
After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF. Why do you ask 10: Mom said you were lazy AF.
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What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom?
A momma's boa.
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How dare you complain about your life?
Someone's mom is Snooki.
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How many times do I have to tell you this Mom?
I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.
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What's your Mom's name?
Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....
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What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be me: Mad
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Why did the guy that owned a chocolate building bang his mom?
Because he had an edible complex.
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How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger?
His mom is Thai and his dad is.......
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What did you do at school today?
Mark: We played a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam Mark: That's right.
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What do you get when you cross my mom with my dad?
I don't know, but my Dad said it was a mistake.
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What did little Paul Bunyan say when his mom asked him how he damaged his favorite toy?
It was an ax-I-dent.
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How about her mom?
Has she said anything
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Whats the difference between your Mom and the Pringles guy?
I can't get my whole fist in the Pringles guy's can.
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Why are your eyes dilated?
Me: "Your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love" Mom: "What were you looking at " Me: "Memes"
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What did the black kid with diarrhea say to his mom?
Help! I'm melting!
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What's the difference between your mom and my computer?
I can still turn your mom on.
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Why is everything lying on the floor?
my mom asked Gravity, I replied.
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Whats the difference between your mom and a washing machine?
When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.
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What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?
Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!
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What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?
Mom & Dad
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What did the mexican boy say to his mom after he mopped the floors and found his brother?
I've cleaned up and found Jesus.
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Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!
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What's the difference between your mom and a drug dealer?
Your mom can wash her crack and re-sell it.
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Why was the cookie crying?
Because it's mom was a wafer so long.
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What did the baby say to its mom after breastfeeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!
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What is harder said than done?
Your mom
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What happens when you goose a ghost?
You get a hand full of sheet. (Joke from my mom)