Mom Jokes

  • What'sApp Me: Mom, what's for dinner?

    Mom : typing ... *gets married* *have kids* *gets old* *dies* *goes to hell* Mom: Fish, honey!

  • What do your mom and the Baltimore Police have in common?

    They both like giving nickel rides to black men!

  • What's the difference between a BJ and reddit gold?

    Your mom never gave me reddit gold.

  • What do Jesus and your mom have in common?

    They both got nailed all night.

  • When my girlfriend asks "mom, what are you doing!?

    I reply "Taxes."

  • What do you call a cow... With three legs?

    Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs That's right! Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs .... YOUR MOM.

  • What do you call... A cow with one leg?

    Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs Your mom

  • What do neutrinos and I have in common?

    We're always penetrating your mom

  • What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes?

    Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.

  • What is the most recycled joke that keeps getting used?

    Your mom.

  • What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese?


  • What's big, thick, hairy, and makes babies?

    Your mom.

  • What's the difference between a washing machine and your mom?

    The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!

  • What's the difference between three black guys and a joke?

    Your mom can't take a joke.

  • What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and your mom?

    Biggie loves it when you call him Big Poppa, while your mom just loves it when you call.

  • What time?

    Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.

  • What's the difference between awkward and awful?

    Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

  • What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca?

    One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.

  • Why do Mexican students act like they own the school?

    Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof

  • Why's the little boy scarred for life after going to buy his mom some earrings?

    He went to Jared.

  • What company makes Nerds?

    Your mom.

  • What do your mom and a camel have in common?

    They both spit.

  • Why do Mexicans always walk around like the own the place?

    Their dad built it, and their mom cleans it

  • What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building?

    Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building

  • How do you cover 18 holes with one hole?

    Have your mom sit down on a golf course.

  • What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves?

    Your mom.

  • How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face?

    I forgot to wet the soap.

  • What did one plant say to the other plant that was annoying him?

    Please leaf me alone! Or I'll tell my mom, and you'll get in trouble.

  • What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea?

    Help! I'm melting!

  • What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mom?

    Your mom is funny.

  • What's wrongdad?

    Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.

  • How fast can Klingon's run?

    About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.

  • What do your mom and monkeys have in common?


  • What did the mom say when she found out her son was going to be a evil spy?

    Abort mission!

  • How long does it take light to travel from the sun to the earth?

    Not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom.

  • What does your mom and your driveway have in common?

    They both have a GARBAGE box.

  • Why can't Kylie Jenner see her mom?

    Because she's trans-parent

  • What's a man?

    Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom

  • How's my baby girl?

    Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much

  • How do you make a horomone?

    You don't pay her. (My mom is sick. Hilarious. But sick. )

  • What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

    If I dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around for the next few weeks.

  • How old is your girlfriend?

    She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!" "Yeah, actually it's yours"

  • Who would win in a fight...your mom or your dad?

    From the looks of it, your dad won

  • Why is there a broom in the driveway?

    me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car

  • When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?

    Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

  • What about your mom?

    No, no. Dad wouldn't allow that."

  • How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult?

    It's like, oh you gave birth to me Please enjoy this fancy candle.

  • How to not get scolded by your parents if you want GTA V?

    Mom! I want to play GTA V! Giant Turtles ATTACK V!

  • What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?

    A runner in scoring position.

  • Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?

    Me: So I look less tired. 3: Why are you tired Me: Because I'm a mom. 3: Why are you a mom Me: 3:

  • What's a GF?

    Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many.

  • What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

    my girlfriend who's a high school teacher heard this from a student the other day) Q: What do you call a cow with 3 legs? A: Lean Beef Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground Beef Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs? A: Your mom

  • What's the difference between an airplane bathroom and your mom?

    Your mom can fit 3 people inside her comfortably!

  • Who was bigger, the baby or his mom?

    The baby, because he's a little Bigger.

  • What do I have in common with neutrinos ?

    We're both constantly penetrating your mom

  • Why was the young strawberry upset?

    Cause his mom was in a jam. :(

  • What's similar between you mom and a bottle of Tide detergent?

    They can both take about 65 loads.

  • What did you get your mom for Mother's Day tomorrow?

    Besides a tiny, brief panic attack

  • Why was the strawberry crying?

    Because it's mom was in a real jam.

  • What did Sigmund Freud do for mother's day?

    His mom.

  • Why was the strawberry sad?

    His mom was in a jam!

  • Why was the young snowflake so upset?

    Because he just watched his mom get plowed.

  • What did you learn at summer camp?

    KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud MOM: A generator For what KID: To charge our iPods

  • What do you call your mom who used to be your dad?

    A transparent ( )

  • Whatcha making?

    Mom: Dill bread. Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough Mom: Get out.

  • What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?

    Look ma, no hands!

  • Why did the man tell his mom to get him out of prison?

    She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.

  • When a guy yells out, "Linda why didn't you give your mom any grandkids?

    She yelled back, "Because I swallowed them all!"

  • What is the difference between a cheap whore and an expensive whore?

    One is your mom the other one gets paid more.

  • Why gypsies boys let their mustache to grow?

    To look more like their mom.

  • Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?

    His answer: "My mom."

  • What's big and round and full of seamen?

    Your mom

  • How is your mom just like a laundromat?

    For a dollar in quarters she will take my load.

  • Why is your mom like a 360 noscope?

    Cuz I wouldn't hit that.

  • What did the dumb blonde say when told that "Scheherezade" was composed by Rimsky-Korsakov ?

    A: "Why'd his mom choose to call him Rimsky of all names !! "

  • What do your mom and Jesus have in common?

    They both got nailed

  • What is the difference between your mom and Kim Kardashian?

    One is a dirty whore and the other is Kim Kardashian.

  • What do you say when your mom walks in on you fapping?


  • How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

    Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

  • What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced?

    His mom got soul custody.

  • Why does Juan walk around the school like he owns the place?

    Because his dad built it and his mom cleans it

  • How do you get out of Sunday school?

    You tell your mom you're Sikh.

  • Why didn't your back break, mom?

    You're adopted."

  • How long have you had this problem?

    the doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41

  • What do your mom and Poland have in common?

    a lot of countries have been inside her.

  • Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?

    Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."

  • Where are you and Mom going tonight?

    Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.

  • Why am I black and you're white?

    A boy asks his mom, Why am I black and you're white? She says, Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark

  • What's wrong with little Timmy?

    Mom, sad): He went to Jared.

  • What did woody and buzz say to your mom?

    Strange to see your toys have the same name as us."

  • Why was the baby strawberry sad?

    His mom was in a jam.

  • Why does Mom wear makeup?

    Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

  • Why is my mom always right about everything?

    Because she said so and that's final.

  • Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

    Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

  • What's the difference between an alpaca and your Mom?

    One is a hairy beast that spits, the other is native to South America.

  • When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?

    Not yet," she replied

  • What does my mom and a turkey have in common?

    They both died on Thanksgiving

  • What did justin beiber say to his mom?

    I FOUND MY MICROSCOPE, now all I need is my lotion and tweezers

  • What did the little ghost give his mom for Mother's Day?

    A booquet of flowers.

  • Why do babies cry so much?


  • Who pushed the neonate out an endometrium?

    Your mom.

  • Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find their mom?

    Because she is Trans-parent! (Not hate. Just a pun I thought of.)

  • Why did I cross the road?

    Because your mom was on the other side..

  • What do you call a cow on no legs?

    Ground beef. What do you call a cow on three legs Tri-Tip. What do you call a cow on two legs Your mom.

  • What's more annoying on the internet, a troll or spam?

    Your mom!

  • Why does mom always yell at you?

    Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you're stupid

  • What's updog?

    Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u Dad (from hallway): OWNED

  • What's the difference between a waitress and your mom?

    A waitress leaves me alone after I give her the tip.

  • What do you call the corner of 69th and main?

    Your moms place of employment

  • What's the difference between my bike and your mom?

    Your dad doesn't watch when I ride my bike.

  • What do Aids, Syphilis and Chlamydia have in common?

    Your mom.

  • What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?


  • Where's the cake?

    Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.

  • What do you call people who use the pull-out method?

    Mom and Dad.

  • What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?

    My dad didn't meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5

  • How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty?

    She kept wetting the bed.

  • How are neutrinos and i alike?

    Were both constantly penetrating your mom

  • How did Helen Keller get punished?

    Her mom rearranged the living room

  • When your mom is mad at you and finds anything to throw at you


  • What does AF mean?

    After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF. Why do you ask 10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

  • What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom?

    A momma's boa.

  • How dare you complain about your life?

    Someone's mom is Snooki.

  • How many times do I have to tell you this Mom?

    I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.

  • What's your Mom's name?

    Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

  • What are you going to be for Halloween dad?

    me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be me: Mad

  • Why did the guy that owned a chocolate building bang his mom?

    Because he had an edible complex.

  • How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger?

    His mom is Thai and his dad is.......

  • What did you do at school today?

    Mark: We played a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam Mark: That's right.

  • What do you get when you cross my mom with my dad?

    I don't know, but my Dad said it was a mistake.

  • What did little Paul Bunyan say when his mom asked him how he damaged his favorite toy?

    It was an ax-I-dent.

  • How about her mom?

    Has she said anything

  • Whats the difference between your Mom and the Pringles guy?

    I can't get my whole fist in the Pringles guy's can.

  • Why are your eyes dilated?

    Me: "Your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love" Mom: "What were you looking at " Me: "Memes"

  • What did the black kid with diarrhea say to his mom?

    Help! I'm melting!

  • What's the difference between your mom and my computer?

    I can still turn your mom on.

  • Why is everything lying on the floor?

    my mom asked Gravity, I replied.

  • Whats the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

    When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.

  • What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?

    Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

  • What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

    Mom & Dad

  • What did the mexican boy say to his mom after he mopped the floors and found his brother?

    I've cleaned up and found Jesus.

  • Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

    Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!

  • What's the difference between your mom and a drug dealer?

    Your mom can wash her crack and re-sell it.

  • Why was the cookie crying?

    Because it's mom was a wafer so long.

  • What did the baby say to its mom after breastfeeding?

    Thanks for the mammaries!

  • What is harder said than done?

    Your mom

  • What happens when you goose a ghost?

    You get a hand full of sheet. (Joke from my mom)