Money Jokes
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Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat ?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty !
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Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
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What's the difference between a race car and a woman?
One costs a lot of money to maintain, keep running, and give you the results you want. The other has four wheels.
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What should you do if windows crashes cost you a lot of money?
A: You should bill Gates.
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What kind of money do polar bears use ?
Ice lolly !
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What will you be using the money for?
Me: "A divorce lawyer."
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Why was the chef mad?
He had all the money in the world, but no thyme.
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What did the blonde's left leg say to the right leg?
Between us, I think we can make a lot of money!"
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What is the quickest way to double your money ?
Fold it in half !
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What does a traffic cop do when he wins some money?
Buys an intersection for a private business work.
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Why doesn't Hermione keep her money at Gringotts?
Offshore investment gains a better return.
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What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
They both don't work and always take your money
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What type of writing makes the most money?
Ransom notes.
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How can you double your money?
Look at it in a mirror.
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What do you call someone who makes a lot of money through deforestation of the Amazon?
A Brazillionaire!
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Why doesn't the stone vendor value money?
Because he takes it for granite.
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Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin ?
There was some money in the kitty !
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How do you starve a right wing christian?
Hide their money in their bible.
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What does an LGBT orthodontist make most of his money off of ?
bruces
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Who has more money than God?
His Ex-Wife.
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Why won't a black man go see a 3d movie?
He'd rather spend his money on a forty
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How much money do terrible movies make?
Ridley Scott. Thank you.
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Where do fishes keep their money?
In river banks
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Why did the brothel run out of money?
Why did the brothel run out of money? Because all of the investors pulled out.
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Why do wallets make so much noise?
Because money talks.
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Why does China care so much about money?
They can't resist all of the cha-'ching'.
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When is the best time to raise money?
When there's a stripper in front of you.
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What's the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?
Eventually the savings bond will mature and begin to earn money.
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Where's the best place to hide money from a Mexican?
Under a bar of soap.
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How many Elvis impersonators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One for the money, two for the show.
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Where do atheists donate their money?
Non Prophet Organizations
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How do you hide money from a Republican?
Hide it in a science book.
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How about the No Bucket Challenge?
Basically you just give a charity some money and don't tell anyone about it.
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What's the biggest advantage of being a smoker?
Not having to set aside money for your old age.
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How Can Atheists Make Money, and Get Free Food?
By working at an abortion clinic. Or an orphanage.
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What do women and the stock market have in common?
If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.
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Who's there ! Cannelloni ! Cannelloni who ?
Cannelloni some money till next week
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What's the difference between a politician and an actor?
One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.
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How do you make the hippie run out of money?
You hide daddies credit card under a bar of soap.
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What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader?
They gave him his money back.
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Why does Cuba not have any casinos?
They Havana no money to spend.
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Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?
Because Jesus saves.
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What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?
I'm paw !
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What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement?
A 401(K-9).
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What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What is your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.
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Where's my money?
a loan shark "Where are my friends - alone shark
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Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don't they just steal the stuff She's a criminal mastermind.
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What is Batman's favorite thing to do with his money?
Make it Wayne.
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How can a can you double your money?
By folding it in half.
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Where do polar bears go to deposit money?
A snowbank
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How do you hide money from a hippie?
Put it under the soap.
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Who are you and how do you get the time and money?
Teach me.
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What did the poor composer say to his friend?
I am baroque, can you lend me some money?
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Where can I find that "4 Out Of 5 People Get Money In Their Birthday Cards" Birthday Card?
I've been checking online with no luck, unless I'm checking the wrong place
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How do Filipinos count money?
One-a two-a three-a four-a another-a ...
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Why did your sister feed money to her cow ?
Because she wanted to get rich milk.
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Why don't U2's lawyers ever make any money?
All their work is pro Bono.
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What is the best way to lose money?
A: Lend it to Greece.
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How do the Lannisters save money on new beds?
They push Two twins together to make a King
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What's one thing Lance Armstrong can still make money from?
LIESTRONG bracelets.
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What do you call it when a bison borrows money from you?
A buffa
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What do Maroon 5 and Jack Reacher have in common?
They both spend all their money on payphones.
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What does the twitter bird do when it needs money?
It goes to Twerk!
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What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money?
Blacking out and gaining money.
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How Can Athiests Make Money and Get Free Food?
By working at an abortion clinic.
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Why didn't the lawyer monkey make any money?
Because he did all his work pro bonobo
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What kind of writing makes the most money?
Ransom notes.
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How do dating sites in Alabama save money?
They link to Ancestry.com
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What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?
Thief: They steal your money then run Politician: They run and then steal your money
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What does a radical, democrat and republican have in common?
They both want to make money off of other people's work!
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What do you call money that grows on trees?
Marijuana
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What kind of money do fishermen make ?
Net profits !
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What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
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What do you call money on drugs?
A high five...
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What do you call a woman who sets all her money on fire?
Bernadette!
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What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.
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Where do terrorists store their money?
In the West Bank
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What do you call a condom full of money?
Johnny Cash.
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Why did Lamar give money to Kobe?
Because Lamar Odom
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Where does Santa stash his money?
In a snowbank.
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Who's there ! Andrew ! Andrew who ?
Andrew all her money out of the bank !
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How do you launder money?
Put it under the soap.
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Who's there ! Checkmate ! Checkmate who ?
Checkmate bounce if you don't have money in the bank !
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What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get?
Mine is a skittle.
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How do fast food restaurants make so much money?
OC "They flip burgers for profit!" Just thought of this at a baseball game today, kinda quirky and simple!
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Where can you always find money?
In the dictionary.
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What would you do if you won the lottery?
Two friends meet together and one asks: What would you do if you won the lottery? -I would build a brothel! Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money? -I'd open it to the public
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Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a whole (hole) and you could lose your money.
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Where does a pencil sharpener keep its money?
In a shavings account.
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Why are there so many piggy banks?
Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.
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Why do gangsters save so much money on clothes?
Cause all their pants are half-off
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What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?
By selling your camera.
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Who leaves money under the pillows of children with LGBT parents ?
Surely you will have guessed - the brooth fairy.
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What can be said about a rich man who doesn't carry change with him?
He's got more money than cents
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Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?
To remind them why there's no money in it
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What do you calla person that inherits a lot of money?
A millionheir.
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What is it called when you give money to a plains bison?
A buffaloan!
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Where do bees keep their money?
In a honey box.
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How do you get money out of a piggy bank?
Feed it laxatives.
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What kind of money do religious businesses make?
Prophet.
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Who's there ! Bellows ! Bellows who ?
Bellows me some money can I have it please !
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Whats six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.
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How much money does the Government pay people with autistic disorder?
Enough to buy a computer that can play League of Legends.
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What is the worst way to find out you just came into money?
via sticky notes
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Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?
So you always have access to cold hard cash...
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How much money does the Treasurer of the United States make?
All of it.
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Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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Why do stoners spend so much money?
because they're high rollers
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When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.
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What do you call two siblings that take your money?
Fine brothers
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What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on?
Vacation.
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What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
Between the two of us we can make a lot of money.
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How does Twitch (Streaming Site) Chat make money?
Kappatalism!
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Which boxer did Darth Vader put his money on in the fight?
The Thai fighter
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Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank!
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What does Stevie Wonder call his money?
Wonderbread. Anyone want to be my friend
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How do Rabbis make money?
They keep the tips.
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What's the difference between a football player and a bank robber?
The bank robber says: Give me the money or I will shoot! The football player says: Give me the money or I won't shoot.
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Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money?
She didn't believe in prophets.
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Why is Apple donating money to cancer research?
Cancer stole our jobs!"
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Where do Eskimos keep their money?
In snowbanks.
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What do old cars and dead chickens have in common?
You'll usually get more money for them if you sell them for parts
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Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?
Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....
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What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?
Poverty
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Where's the safest place to hide money from a man?
Under the soap
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What kind of money do monsters use?
Weirdo (weird dough).
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Why did the stair railing give money to Beethoven?
A bannister always pays his deafs.
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Why was Beethoven making a lot of money?
His property was Fur Elise
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Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
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How do attractive men pay for things?
They handsome money to the cashier
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What do you call an unfinished inflow of money?
Incomplete.
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What did the English teacher write when she needed to borrow money?
An AE I.O.U. P.S. Im proud of this one :3
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Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie?
It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that.
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What did Bernie Madoff say to Bernie Sanders?
I'll take your money!
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Where does a hedge knight invest his money?
In a hedge fund
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Where do Polar Bears keep their money?
In the Snowbank. My first post is a dad joke LOL
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Why women fail at saving money?
Have you ever seen a money-box (piggy bank) with a hole at the bottom...
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Why do they attach chains to their pens?
If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.
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Why'd the chicken cross The Road?
Because he wasn't paid the money he deserved.
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What kind of money does Mario use?
8-bitcoins
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When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that?
Now it would be for the prescriptions.
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What do you call it when a group of Germans give you money online?
Kraut funding
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Where does a river keep it's money?
At the bank.
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What's it like being a grown up?
Me hands her money: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn. 10: This is only $2 M: Exactly
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How can you tell a redneck has got money?
He gems out his dip cup
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What do you call a belt made of dollar bills?
A waist of money.
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What do women and Spotify ads have in common?
They're both annoying and want your money.
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How does a dishwasher make his money?
Panhandling
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What do you call a fish that's worth a lot of money?
A goldfish!
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What is a jockey's motto?
Put your money where your mount is!
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How much money did the bronco have?
Only a buck!
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Why did the black guy loose all his money?
Because a cop robbed him.
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Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.
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What do you call it when you lend money to a bison?
A Buffa-Loan!
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What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?
the woman asks her husband. "Keep sending them!"
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What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?
A gf gif gift grift
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WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger etc. for free?
It's not about the money. It's about sending a message!
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Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A:('He wanted cold hard cash!')
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How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs?
The toothfairy.
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What are you watching tonight?
The game where players make enough money to risk getting brain damage, or the debate where the players already have brain damage?
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Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?
Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.
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What do you call a woman drowning in money?
Rich... Also an ambulance.
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What kind of cheese gives out money?
Prova I just came up with that and feel pretty proud (:
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What's the difference between a millennial and a mutual fund?
A mutual fund will eventually mature and make money
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How can you make money fast?
Glue it to the floor.
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Who's there ! Celeste ! Celeste who ?
Celeste time I lend you money !
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Where does a polar bear keep his money?
In a snow bank.
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Why will Church's chicken be losing money?
Because I don't see black people going to church's anytime soon
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Where do birds invest their money ?
In the stork market !
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What attracted you to our company?
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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What will you do with a million watermelons?
I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."
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Who's there? Hotel. Hotel who?
Ho, tell me where my money is!
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Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk!
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What kind of money do they use on superman's home planet?
Kryptocurrency
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Why do you want to work in a bank Alan?
Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it sir.
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Why are hippies against capitalism?
Because money doesn't grow on trees.
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What's the best way to make money with a plus-size modeling agency?
Life insurance policies.
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Why should you never take a swordfish out to dinner?
Because you'll get stuck with the bill, and if you don't have money to pay the restaurant will call the cods on you. Fin.
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What is a small loan of money?
a small loan of a million dollars"
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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire?
A bunny with money.
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What's the difference between a robber and a politician?
Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.
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How do you know if a redditor gave money to Bernie Sanders?
Just wait 5 minutes. They'll post about it.
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What do you call a bread place that doesn't make any money?
A Naanprofit!
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Why does Sean Connery have no money and a beard?
Because he's no good at shaving.
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How did you get into counterfeiting?
Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."
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How will the Duggar's stay on TV and make money?
By moving the show to a "true crime" channel and calling it "18 Victims and Counting".
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What do you call it when a sheep sells his wool for money?
Cashearing! (Joke I made up last night at work, so be gentle with me)
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What grey has a wand huge wings and gives money to elephants ?
The tusk fairy !
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How does the Hulk make money?
He flips houses.
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Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
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What's six inches long that women love?
Folding money.
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What's the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money?
Collect unemployment insurance!
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What's the difference between a drummer and publicly traded stock?
Publicly traded stock will mature and make money.
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Where do stoners keep their money?
In a joint account
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What kind of money do snowmen use?
Iced lolly.
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What is the difference between a guitar player and government bonds?
Government bonds mature over time and earn money
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What about my atm card which holds all my money?
Any 4 numbers in a row."
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How do you expect us to loan you money if you can't prove to us that you don't need it?
Banks
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What do you call it when you have enough money to but a truck from 4 different people who used to cross small bodies of water?
You can afford four fjord forders' fords.
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Why was the fruit farmer losing money?
He couldn't grow a pear
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How does a mathematician ask for money?
Give me 10! dollars
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How did rich people get their money?
They were calm and collected.
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Why is PBS asking me for money?
If I had money I wouldn't need to pretend crow migration habits are good entertainment.
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What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist?
By selling your guitar.
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Where do snowmen keep their money ?
In a snowbank !
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Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
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What's a Catholic's favorite way to send money?
PayPal