Monster Jokes
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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door?
Run through the back door.
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Why did the monster put the cake in the freezer?
Because he had been told to ice it.
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What has 32 teeth and holds back a monster?
My zipper.
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What kind of money do monsters use?
Weirdo (weird dough).
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What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger?
The bogeyman.
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How does a monster begin a fairy tale?
Once upon a slime . . ."
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What's big heavy furry dangerous and has sixteen wheels?
A monster on roller-skates.
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Why did the monster dye her hair yellow?
To see if blondes have more fun.
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What monsters are all the tools in the toolbox afraid of?
Vampliers
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How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.
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Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party?
He heard they were having upside-down cake!
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What's big and hairy and goes 'beep beep'?
A monster in a traffic jam.
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What side of a monster has more hair ?
The outside !
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What happened when the monster kissed his one true love?
He left lip prints on the mirror!
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What has 40 teeth and holds a monster at bay?
My zipper.
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What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes?
Prankenstein!
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What's the difference between a biscuit and a monster?
You can dip a biscuit in your tea but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.
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What's the difference between Tinder and the PokemonGo app?
Nothing, it both requires swiping to find monsters in your area.
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What makes an ideal present for a monster?
Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.
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Why would a monster be big, green and scaly?
Cuz if he were small, white and smooth hed be a Tic Tac.
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How do you address a monster?
Very politely.
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Why did the monster take his nose apart?
To see what made it run.
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How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana?
Try picking it up. If you can't it's either a monster or a giant banana.
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Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.
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What did the oyster say when the monster broke into his home?
Shucks
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What's a homophobic child's worst nightmare?
A monster coming out of the closet
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How did the monster cure his sore throat?
He spent all day gargoyling.
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What do you get when you combine a watch with a dog?
An eternally suffering abomination...YOU MONSTER!
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Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner?
He was exceeding the feed limit!
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How do you stop a monster digging up your garden?
Take his spade away.
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What do monsters play when they are in the bus?
Squash.
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What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat?
A bigger target.
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What can a monster do that you can't do?
Count up to 25 on his fingers.
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Why did the monster drink ten liters of antifreeze?
So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.
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What does a monster do when he loses his head?
He calls a head hunter.
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What do you get if you cross a monster with a flea?
Lots of very worried dogs.
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Why did the monster stop playing with his brother?
He got tired of kicking him around.
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How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth- GF: glares ME: He's old enough for the facts, Jane
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What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
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What did the manager of the frankenstein museum say?
I'VE CURATED A MONSTER!
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Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's
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What do you call a monster with two wooden heads?
Edward Woodward.
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What's the difference between a monster and a mouse?
A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.
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Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.
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What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit?
It's saliva! IT'S SALIIIVA!!!"
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What type of monster really loves dance music?
A: The boogieman.
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What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster showed up for the ball?
You look quite put-together this evening.
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What do you get if you cross a hairdresser with a werewolf?
A monster with an all-over perm.
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Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors?
Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
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What aftershave do monsters wear?
Brute.
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What did the monster say to his psychiatrist?
I feel abominable.'
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How do you know that there's a monster in your bath?
You can't get the shower curtain closed.
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Why did the monster lie on his back?
To trip up low-flying aircraft.
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How can you get a set of teeth put in for free?
Smack a monster.
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What game do monsters play with humans?
Squash.
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How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster ?
Terrier-fied !
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What do you call a monster with a wooden head?
Edward.
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How do you stop a monster from smelling?
Cut off his nose.
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What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster?
Sir.
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What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A wash and wear wolf
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What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein
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How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
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What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love?
A stupid Cupid!
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What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert?
Bumpkin pie!
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What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog?
A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.
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Why did the monster go into hospital?
To have his ghoul-stones removed.
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What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster?
My zipper.