Morning Jokes
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What does a racist drink to wake himself up every morning?
A KKK-Cup!
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Why is it so hard for an eighty year old woman to pee in the morning?
Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?!
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Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning?
Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning !
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What's the difference between a guitar and an elevator?
I didn't expose myself inside a guitar this morning.
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What has 4 legs in the morning, two at lunch, and three in the evening?
A cannibal
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What's 12" long, rock hard in the morning, and makes a woman cry?
A dead baby.
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Why does a farmer look out of his window in the morning?
A: Because he can't see through the wall.
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How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning?
By opening the car door.
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What does Tim Cook have for breakfast in the morning?
Not Apple Jacks
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Why don't you go down on a girl first thing in the morning?
Haven't you ever peeled apart a hot grilled cheese sandwich?
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What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
She goes home
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What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
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Why was the daybreak sad?
Because it was in morning.
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How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning?
A: She opens the car door.
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What did the dead blues musician sing?
Didn't wake up this morning..."
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How often do Chinese people have elections?
When they wake up every morning.
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How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
Unfertillized
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What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?
A barbie queue (BBQ)! Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad. I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.
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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning?
Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
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What do cannibals like to drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
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What is your favorite type of wood?
Mine is morning.
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When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you
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What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?
Morning wood.
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What shape is your hair in the morning?
A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)
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When did she die?
My guess would be sometime this morning.
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What's white in the morning, white in the afternoon and white in the evening?
An Irishman trying to get a tan.
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What does a gang member do when he arrives at work first thing in the morning?
He Glocks in
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What did the Hebrew's call it when they stopped receiving mana every morning?
mana-pause
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What is the definition of torque?
When you wake up in the morning with an erection so stiff, that when you bend it down to take a leak, your legs kick back and you hit your head on the toilet.
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Why did the sperm cross the road?
I put on the wrong socks this morning.
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What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ?
An alarm cluck !
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Why do women have trouble peeing in the morning?
You ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich
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What did the fire say the morning of his birthday?
I'm stoked!
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What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm?
Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.
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What's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning?
Another day.
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Why did Richard leave his home this morning?
For Harambe.
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What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?
Yes, I'm completely sure.
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Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise Oh, right, *of course* !"
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How does a blond like her eggs in the morning?
fertilized"
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What's the difference between this morning and your wife?
I'm not coming in *this morning*"
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What's the difference between North Korea amd South Korea?
North Koreans have no Seoul. Thought of this very early in the morning waiting to board a plane.
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What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?
I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...
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Why did the drill instructor squirt condiments on his trainees in the morning?
That's how he mustard the troops.
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What would the blind man say every morning when he walked past the fish market?
Good morning, ladies!"
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What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening?
A pillow
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Why can't you sniff out Easter Eggs?
In a tone like you have no idea) "No bunny nose" -Made up this morning in bed to a very dissatisfied girlfriend
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What do you call a German barber?
Herr Kutz (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)
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Why is morning wood full of holes?
Because the woodpecker.
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What is worse than getting a wrong call at 3 AM in the morning?
Getting a right call.
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Who could that be?
It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock Me: It depends on how they were raised...
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Why doesn't anyone in insert nations capital use the toilet in the morning?
So they have something to do at night.
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What do call a bad haircut you got from a Native American?
A-patchy scalping Edit: Changed haircut to scalping. Because that's what I came up with this morning.
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How did Moses make his tea in the morning?
Hebrewed it.
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When is the earliest time of day Nintendo fans play games?
The Wii hours of the morning.
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Why are birds always sad in the morning?
Their bills are over dew
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Why do crows do vocal exercises every morning?
For the Good of the Caws.
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What has four limbs in the morning, two limbs in the afternoon, and is dead by evening?
A disobedient slave.
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Why does Bane and a monk get along well in the morning?
Because the friar rises!
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Why do bakers start working so early in the morning?
Because they knead dough.
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Who's there ! Ben ! Ben who ?
Ben knocking on this door all morning !
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What do mexicans drink in the morning?
Dos Eggys
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What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?
Boss: I don't know. Guy: I'm not coming in this morning!
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What did the rising sun say to the morning dew?
You will be mist.
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
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What's darker than 3am in the morning?
12' noon in the cotton fields.
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What did the cannibal do to the people he didn't like?
He drowned them in the morning.
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Why do you look out the window in the morning?
A: Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.
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Who's there ! Alison ! Alison who ?
Alison to my radio in the mornings !
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What has everyone been using to get ice of their cars in the morning?
I've been using a discount card, but I can only ever get 20% off
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What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?
A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..
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What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Walks home.
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What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50?
Good morning your Honor!
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What did the cow say to the paintbrush?
Moo. As told by my kid this morning.
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What time do you get up in the morning ?
About an hour and a half after I arrived at school
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What do you call it when you spill your morning drive-through beverage on your virus scan software?
Getting McCafe on McAfee
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Why did the school boy need Viagra?
He was having trouble getting up in the morning.
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What time does an engineer set his alarm clock for?
Around Thevenin the morning
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Where Did it go?
Where did that list of dark jokes posted this morning go? Iv looked everywhere.
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When the hell did you grow a beard?
Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
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What do cats read in the morning ?
Mewspapers !
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What's the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting out of the bed!
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Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.
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What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?
She puts her clothes back on and goes home.
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Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
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What's a pigs favorite morning tv show ?
Morning Ham
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What cuts four farts in the morning, two farts at midday, and three farts in the evening?
A sphinxter.
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Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?
Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning Mr. Mayor." Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.
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Why does a girls rub her eyes in the morning?
A. Because they don't have balls to itch.
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Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning?
Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.
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Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
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How did the toad feel in the morning?
A little bit froggy
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What do hamburger workers say on Monday morning?
Well it's back to the old grind!
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What would be different if men got pregnant?
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
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What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field?
amaized.
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Why don't you go down on a girl in the morning?
Have you ever tried to split a grilled cheese
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The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.
Thank you very much, sir.
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What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?
Grab a cup of joe.
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What did the lonely ghost do at 2 in the morning?
He made a booo-ty call
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Why don't men want to go down on a woman first thing in the morning?
have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese?
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What's the difference between work and your daughter?
I'm not coming into work this morning!"
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Who knocks on doors at three in the morning?
It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.
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How do you keep a homo in suspense?
I'll tell you in the morning.
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I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
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How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?
He replied... ...It's hard
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How do fallopian tubes like there eggs in the morning?
Ovary-sy
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Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?
Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?
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Why does it take Sarah Palin so long to get ready in the morning?
Because she has two faces.
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Why is the Prime Minister not seen in the morning?
Because he is PM not AM