Morning Jokes

  • What does a racist drink to wake himself up every morning?

    A KKK-Cup!

  • Why is it so hard for an eighty year old woman to pee in the morning?

    Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?!

  • Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning?

    Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning !

  • What's the difference between a guitar and an elevator?

    I didn't expose myself inside a guitar this morning.

  • What has 4 legs in the morning, two at lunch, and three in the evening?

    A cannibal

  • What's 12" long, rock hard in the morning, and makes a woman cry?

    A dead baby.

  • Why does a farmer look out of his window in the morning?

    A: Because he can't see through the wall.

  • How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning?

    By opening the car door.

  • What does Tim Cook have for breakfast in the morning?

    Not Apple Jacks

  • Why don't you go down on a girl first thing in the morning?

    Haven't you ever peeled apart a hot grilled cheese sandwich?

  • What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?

    She goes home

  • What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?

    A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

  • Why was the daybreak sad?

    Because it was in morning.

  • How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning?

    A: She opens the car door.

  • What did the dead blues musician sing?

    Didn't wake up this morning..."

  • How often do Chinese people have elections?

    When they wake up every morning.

  • How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?


  • What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?

    A barbie queue (BBQ)! Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad. I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.

  • Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning?

    Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

  • What do cannibals like to drink in the morning?

    A cup of Joe.

  • What is your favorite type of wood?

    Mine is morning.

  • When last did you get lit?

    Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

  • How are you doing this morning?

    Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you

  • What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?

    Morning wood.

  • What shape is your hair in the morning?

    A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

  • When did she die?

    My guess would be sometime this morning.

  • What's white in the morning, white in the afternoon and white in the evening?

    An Irishman trying to get a tan.

  • What does a gang member do when he arrives at work first thing in the morning?

    He Glocks in

  • What did the Hebrew's call it when they stopped receiving mana every morning?


  • What is the definition of torque?

    When you wake up in the morning with an erection so stiff, that when you bend it down to take a leak, your legs kick back and you hit your head on the toilet.

  • Why did the sperm cross the road?

    I put on the wrong socks this morning.

  • What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ?

    An alarm cluck !

  • Why do women have trouble peeing in the morning?

    You ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich

  • What did the fire say the morning of his birthday?

    I'm stoked!

  • What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm?

    Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.

  • What's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning?

    Another day.

  • Why did Richard leave his home this morning?

    For Harambe.

  • What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?

    Yes, I'm completely sure.

  • Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?

    Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise Oh, right, *of course* !"

  • How does a blond like her eggs in the morning?


  • What's the difference between this morning and your wife?

    I'm not coming in *this morning*"

  • What's the difference between North Korea amd South Korea?

    North Koreans have no Seoul. Thought of this very early in the morning waiting to board a plane.

  • What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?

    I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...

  • Why did the drill instructor squirt condiments on his trainees in the morning?

    That's how he mustard the troops.

  • What would the blind man say every morning when he walked past the fish market?

    Good morning, ladies!"

  • What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening?

    A pillow

  • Why can't you sniff out Easter Eggs?

    In a tone like you have no idea) "No bunny nose" -Made up this morning in bed to a very dissatisfied girlfriend

  • What do you call a German barber?

    Herr Kutz (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)

  • Why is morning wood full of holes?

    Because the woodpecker.

  • What is worse than getting a wrong call at 3 AM in the morning?

    Getting a right call.

  • Who could that be?

    It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock Me: It depends on how they were raised...

  • Why doesn't anyone in insert nations capital use the toilet in the morning?

    So they have something to do at night.

  • What do call a bad haircut you got from a Native American?

    A-patchy scalping Edit: Changed haircut to scalping. Because that's what I came up with this morning.

  • How did Moses make his tea in the morning?

    Hebrewed it.

  • When is the earliest time of day Nintendo fans play games?

    The Wii hours of the morning.

  • Why are birds always sad in the morning?

    Their bills are over dew

  • Why do crows do vocal exercises every morning?

    For the Good of the Caws.

  • What has four limbs in the morning, two limbs in the afternoon, and is dead by evening?

    A disobedient slave.

  • Why does Bane and a monk get along well in the morning?

    Because the friar rises!

  • Why do bakers start working so early in the morning?

    Because they knead dough.

  • Who's there ! Ben ! Ben who ?

    Ben knocking on this door all morning !

  • What do mexicans drink in the morning?

    Dos Eggys

  • What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?

    Boss: I don't know. Guy: I'm not coming in this morning!

  • What did the rising sun say to the morning dew?

    You will be mist.

  • What did the egg say to the boiling water?

    It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

  • What's darker than 3am in the morning?

    12' noon in the cotton fields.

  • What did the cannibal do to the people he didn't like?

    He drowned them in the morning.

  • Why do you look out the window in the morning?

    A: Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.

  • Who's there ! Alison ! Alison who ?

    Alison to my radio in the mornings !

  • What has everyone been using to get ice of their cars in the morning?

    I've been using a discount card, but I can only ever get 20% off

  • What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

    A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

  • What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

    Walks home.

  • What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50?

    Good morning your Honor!

  • What did the cow say to the paintbrush?

    Moo. As told by my kid this morning.

  • What time do you get up in the morning ?

    About an hour and a half after I arrived at school

  • What do you call it when you spill your morning drive-through beverage on your virus scan software?

    Getting McCafe on McAfee

  • Why did the school boy need Viagra?

    He was having trouble getting up in the morning.

  • What time does an engineer set his alarm clock for?

    Around Thevenin the morning

  • Where Did it go?

    Where did that list of dark jokes posted this morning go? Iv looked everywhere.

  • When the hell did you grow a beard?

    Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

  • What do cats read in the morning ?

    Mewspapers !

  • What's the second hardest thing in the morning?

    Getting out of the bed!

  • Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?

    A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

  • What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?

    She puts her clothes back on and goes home.

  • Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

    A: They don't have balls to scratch.

  • What's a pigs favorite morning tv show ?

    Morning Ham

  • What cuts four farts in the morning, two farts at midday, and three farts in the evening?

    A sphinxter.

  • Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?

    Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning Mr. Mayor." Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.

  • Why does a girls rub her eyes in the morning?

    A. Because they don't have balls to itch.

  • Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning?

    Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.

  • Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?

    A: It swells at night.

  • How did the toad feel in the morning?

    A little bit froggy

  • What do hamburger workers say on Monday morning?

    Well it's back to the old grind!

  • What would be different if men got pregnant?

    Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

  • What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field?


  • Why don't you go down on a girl in the morning?

    Have you ever tried to split a grilled cheese

  • The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.

    Thank you very much, sir.

  • What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?

    Grab a cup of joe.

  • What did the lonely ghost do at 2 in the morning?

    He made a booo-ty call

  • Why don't men want to go down on a woman first thing in the morning?

    have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese?

  • What's the difference between work and your daughter?

    I'm not coming into work this morning!"

  • Who knocks on doors at three in the morning?

    It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

  • How do you keep a homo in suspense?

    I'll tell you in the morning.

  • I dropped a pear in my car this morning.

    You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.

  • How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?

    He replied... ...It's hard

  • How do fallopian tubes like there eggs in the morning?


  • Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?

    Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?

  • Why does it take Sarah Palin so long to get ready in the morning?

    Because she has two faces.

  • Why is the Prime Minister not seen in the morning?

    Because he is PM not AM