Mother Jokes

  • What's worse than having your car impounded by the police?

    Impounding your mother

  • What is the best letter who represent a man?

    A favorite joke of my mother) The Q because is a big zero with a small tail.

  • Who is the prettiest of my friends?

    Me: your mother, why W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

  • What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ?

    Dad dad look what marma-laid' !

  • What type of cow produces both milk and potatos?

    Your Mother.

  • Why was the blot of ink so sad?

    It's mother was in the pen and it didn't know how long the sentence was.

  • What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?

    HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!

  • What do your mother and the ground have in common?

    They are always full of seed.

  • Whose mother likes rap music?

    Yo Momma! My eight-year-old daughter wants to see how many upvotes she can get. Ten-year old brother is interested in downvotes.

  • How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

    One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

  • What did the lightbulb say to its mother?

    I wuv you watts and watts.

  • What do you call it when a mother has twin boys in Arizona?


  • Why was Mary Jane not a virgin?

    Her mother leaves.

  • Why did the strawberry cry?

    Because his mother was in a jam.

  • Why was the little bear so spoiled ?

    Because its mother panda'd to its every whim !

  • What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

    New Recruit: Call for backup!

  • What do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand?

    not enough sand.

  • Why did the chick disappoint his mother?

    Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.

  • Why were the strawberries sad?

    Because their mother was in a jam!

  • Why was the baby strawberry crying?

    Because his mother was in a jam.

  • What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died?

    Well, that's the edamame.

  • What's the difference between Cheryl Crawford and dead embryos?

    Dead embryos don't tell on their mothers ...

  • What do you see as your biggest weakness?

    ME: INTERVIEWER: ME: MY MOTHER: He's not good at speaking up for himself

  • Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?

    Because he was barefooted!!!

  • Where am I?


  • Why didn't the mother splinter call her son on his birth-day?

    Because he's a little prick!

  • How crazy is your ex?

    Crazy like my triceps " "How sick is your mother Sick like my triceps "

  • What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

    Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

  • Why does a mother carry her baby?

    The baby can't carry the mother.

  • Why aren't you wearing a coat?

    Coats are for pussies."My mother asks too many questions.

  • What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother?

    Look, Ma! No hands!

  • How do you make an ugly kid?

    Go ask your mother Courtesy of a hot dog vendor in Atlanta

  • Why was the animal unhappy?

    He had a ruff week.. His life wasn't purrfect. His brother was a shellout. His mother's been a real crab lately. His family was really shellfish. He had no porpoise in life.

  • Whats the difference between Love and Herpes?

    Your mother didn't give you love.

  • What's the difference between a clever midget and my ex-girlfriend, the trackstar?

    One's a cunning runt... and I forget the rest, but your mother is a whore.

  • Why did the kid punch the bed?

    His mother told him to hit the hay.

  • Why don't you take a train?

    Monster: I did once but my mother made me give it back.

  • What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

    Thanks for the mammaries!

  • What's the difference in Xbox One and your mother?

    I genuinely care about your mother.

  • What day do most mothers give birth?

    Labor day.

  • What do you call a cow with two legs?

    Your mother!

  • Why did the mother feed her newborn lamb?

    Because it's baby food.

  • How do you get Sigmund Freud to screw a lightbulb?

    Tell him the lightbulb is his mother.

  • Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?

    Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken " Mother: "We need the eggs."

  • What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common?

    They are both over the counter strike

  • Why did the cookie cry?

    Because his mother was a wafer so long

  • Why couldn't the Buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email?

    He had no attachments.

  • What does a mother use to keep her childrens' toenails soft and smooth?

    A pedi-file

  • Why are you home from school so early?

    Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh really What was the question Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal "

  • What did the ant whisper into the elephant's ear that made the elephant faint?

    I'm going to be the mother of your children." I have no idea whether the joke is lost in translation...

  • When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard?

    Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid. I know how hard to punch her. I'm her mother.

  • What did the mother of the guy who broke his arms say at the beginning of every 'session'?

    ssh bby is ok

  • Why was the young bear so spoiled?

    A: Because his mother "panda'd" to his every whim!

  • What kinds of birds are raised by only their mothers?


  • What did the Chinese man say when he found out his mother died?

    I can't bereave it!

  • What do you do when your mother-in-law is swaying towards you?

    You pull the trigger again.

  • What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty?

    Are you my mother

  • Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?

    For smoking in bed.

  • What do your mother and a marathon have in common?

    They are both doable as long as you don't mind following a bunch of black guys.

  • What's a mixed feeling?

    When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

  • What's the difference between your mother and a Mallard with a cold?

    One's a sick duck... I forget the rest but your mother's a whore

  • How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.

  • Why are you hitting that spider?

    wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law leaving I don't have to take this

  • What's the world's longest Ted Talk?

    How I Met Your Mother

  • What kind of dance does your mother do?

    The MOMbo.

  • What did the young witch say to her mother ?

    Can I have the keys to the broom tonight !

  • What did the kid say to his mother right before he went to India?


  • What do a slinky and your mother in law have in common?

    They're both fun to watch tumble down stairs.

  • Why is the food so cold and bland?

    Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

  • Why was the little ink blot so unhappy?

    Because his mother was in the pen, and they didn't know how long the sentence would be.

  • What's the difference between a brothel and a circus?

    Your mother never ran away to join the circus.

  • What does your mother and a neckbeard have in common?

    They both love Ten D's

  • What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?

    If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy

  • What did you get 100 in?

    Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well at least you can add !

  • What's the difference between onions and your mother-in-law?

    You don't cry when chopping your mother-in-law.

  • What do soybeans call their mother?


  • Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?

    She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

  • Why is 17 called the "mother-in-law" in black jack?

    Because you wanna hit it, but sometimes you cant.

  • Why are south italian men so small?

    Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there

  • What do you call a Hispanic woman with no legs?

    Consuelo! My mother told me this one

  • Whatever's the matter ?

    asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'

  • How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mother - I mean light bulb!

  • When O. J. Simpson's kids wanted to go out and play, what did he tell them?

    Go axe your mother."

  • What did the baby sheep say to its mother on the phone?

    Miss ewe!"

  • What does a baby mouse say to its mother after seeing a bat?

    Look mom, an angel!

  • What are mixed feelings?

    Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.

  • Who would you save first?

    Wife asks her husband: Honey, If a lion attacks my mother and I, Who would you save first? Husband: Well, the lion!

  • When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

    Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

  • What are the Humans doing?

    Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.

  • What do you call a mother who is overweight and poor?

    Beef on WIC

  • Why did the table love playing volleyball?

    Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.

  • What is the worst thing about being an egg?

    You only get laid once, and that's by your mother!

  • What is the difference between wealth and poverty?

    And the dad says: 'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'

  • What's worse than your mother-in-law?

    My mother-in-law.

  • Who do you call a stupid whore?

    Your mother, that is who i call a stupid whore

  • Why does all Turkish men have a mustache?

    because they wanna look like their mother.

  • What sign did the mother put up in her neighbourhood when she realized her child's IQ was below average?


  • Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?

    Because he was in de-nile

  • How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car?

    gtOnly if you go aks your mother.

  • What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

    when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

  • Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

    He kisses his mother with that mouth.

  • What do you get when you put a tomato in your mothers shoe?

    A spanking

  • Where is your mother from?

    The second Eskimo says "Alaska."

  • What's the definition of mixed emotions?

    When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

  • What's the downside to bigamy?

    More than one mother-in-law.

  • Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie?

    It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that.

  • When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be?

    Will I be pretty Will I be rich Here's what she said to me No

  • What did the digital clock say to it's Mother?

    Look Ma, no hands!"

  • Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice* What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

    When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

  • What do you call your wife and mother-in-law when they're riding in the same car?

    Dual air bags.

  • What does your mother do for a living?

    She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."

  • What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?


  • Why does a white guy go to a brothel?

    For pleasure. Why does a black guy go to a brothel He's looking for his mother.

  • Who's there? Budweiser. Budweiser who?

    Budweiser your mother naked?

  • What is hillybillys fantasy?

    S&M . . . . .. Sister and Mother.

  • Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

    How I bought your mother

  • What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out my underpants?

    My mother.

  • What's wrinkly and hangs out your pants?

    Your mother.

  • Why did the mother of twins name both of her sons Edward?

    Because two Eds are better than one.

  • Whats the difference between Outlaws and Mother-in-laws?

    Outlaws are wanted.

  • What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

    A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

  • What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?

    One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

  • What is Britain's most popular newspaper amongst breastfeeding mothers?

    The Daily Express.

  • What is with 2016?

    It's like everyone and their mothers are dying. sorry not sorry

  • What's the penalty for bigamy?

    Two mothers-in-law.

  • Why do Italian men grow moustaches?

    They want to look like their mothers.

  • How do you want to handle your mother in law?

    Do you want her incinerated, embalmed or buried -All of them, lets not take any chances

  • What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas?

    When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother

  • What did the teenage boy who was jerking off in his room say when his mother called?

    One second mom, I'm coming!

  • How do you want your mother-in-law buried or cremated?

    Hmm No risk do both.