Mother Jokes
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What's worse than having your car impounded by the police?
Impounding your mother
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What is the best letter who represent a man?
A favorite joke of my mother) The Q because is a big zero with a small tail.
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Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
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What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ?
Dad dad look what marma-laid' !
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What type of cow produces both milk and potatos?
Your Mother.
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Why was the blot of ink so sad?
It's mother was in the pen and it didn't know how long the sentence was.
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What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?
HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!
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What do your mother and the ground have in common?
They are always full of seed.
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Whose mother likes rap music?
Yo Momma! My eight-year-old daughter wants to see how many upvotes she can get. Ten-year old brother is interested in downvotes.
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How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
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What did the lightbulb say to its mother?
I wuv you watts and watts.
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What do you call it when a mother has twin boys in Arizona?
Tucson.
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Why was Mary Jane not a virgin?
Her mother leaves.
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Why did the strawberry cry?
Because his mother was in a jam.
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Why was the little bear so spoiled ?
Because its mother panda'd to its every whim !
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What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
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What do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand?
not enough sand.
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Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.
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Why were the strawberries sad?
Because their mother was in a jam!
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Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mother was in a jam.
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What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died?
Well, that's the edamame.
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What's the difference between Cheryl Crawford and dead embryos?
Dead embryos don't tell on their mothers ...
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What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME: INTERVIEWER: ME: MY MOTHER: He's not good at speaking up for himself
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Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?
Because he was barefooted!!!
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Where am I?
Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!
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Why didn't the mother splinter call her son on his birth-day?
Because he's a little prick!
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How crazy is your ex?
Crazy like my triceps " "How sick is your mother Sick like my triceps "
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What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!
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Why does a mother carry her baby?
The baby can't carry the mother.
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Why aren't you wearing a coat?
Coats are for pussies."My mother asks too many questions.
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What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother?
Look, Ma! No hands!
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How do you make an ugly kid?
Go ask your mother Courtesy of a hot dog vendor in Atlanta
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Why was the animal unhappy?
He had a ruff week.. His life wasn't purrfect. His brother was a shellout. His mother's been a real crab lately. His family was really shellfish. He had no porpoise in life.
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Whats the difference between Love and Herpes?
Your mother didn't give you love.
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What's the difference between a clever midget and my ex-girlfriend, the trackstar?
One's a cunning runt... and I forget the rest, but your mother is a whore.
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Why did the kid punch the bed?
His mother told him to hit the hay.
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Why don't you take a train?
Monster: I did once but my mother made me give it back.
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What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!
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What's the difference in Xbox One and your mother?
I genuinely care about your mother.
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What day do most mothers give birth?
Labor day.
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What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mother!
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Why did the mother feed her newborn lamb?
Because it's baby food.
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How do you get Sigmund Freud to screw a lightbulb?
Tell him the lightbulb is his mother.
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Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken " Mother: "We need the eggs."
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What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common?
They are both over the counter strike
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Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long
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Why couldn't the Buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email?
He had no attachments.
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What does a mother use to keep her childrens' toenails soft and smooth?
A pedi-file
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Why are you home from school so early?
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh really What was the question Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal "
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What did the ant whisper into the elephant's ear that made the elephant faint?
I'm going to be the mother of your children." I have no idea whether the joke is lost in translation...
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When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard?
Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid. I know how hard to punch her. I'm her mother.
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What did the mother of the guy who broke his arms say at the beginning of every 'session'?
ssh bby is ok
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Why was the young bear so spoiled?
A: Because his mother "panda'd" to his every whim!
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What kinds of birds are raised by only their mothers?
Blackbirds
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What did the Chinese man say when he found out his mother died?
I can't bereave it!
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What do you do when your mother-in-law is swaying towards you?
You pull the trigger again.
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What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty?
Are you my mother
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Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?
For smoking in bed.
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What do your mother and a marathon have in common?
They are both doable as long as you don't mind following a bunch of black guys.
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What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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What's the difference between your mother and a Mallard with a cold?
One's a sick duck... I forget the rest but your mother's a whore
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How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.
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Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law leaving I don't have to take this
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What's the world's longest Ted Talk?
How I Met Your Mother
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What kind of dance does your mother do?
The MOMbo.
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What did the young witch say to her mother ?
Can I have the keys to the broom tonight !
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What did the kid say to his mother right before he went to India?
Mumbai
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What do a slinky and your mother in law have in common?
They're both fun to watch tumble down stairs.
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Why is the food so cold and bland?
Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
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Why was the little ink blot so unhappy?
Because his mother was in the pen, and they didn't know how long the sentence would be.
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What's the difference between a brothel and a circus?
Your mother never ran away to join the circus.
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What does your mother and a neckbeard have in common?
They both love Ten D's
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What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?
If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy
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What did you get 100 in?
Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well at least you can add !
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What's the difference between onions and your mother-in-law?
You don't cry when chopping your mother-in-law.
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What do soybeans call their mother?
Edamame.
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Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.
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Why is 17 called the "mother-in-law" in black jack?
Because you wanna hit it, but sometimes you cant.
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Why are south italian men so small?
Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there
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What do you call a Hispanic woman with no legs?
Consuelo! My mother told me this one
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Whatever's the matter ?
asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'
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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mother - I mean light bulb!
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When O. J. Simpson's kids wanted to go out and play, what did he tell them?
Go axe your mother."
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What did the baby sheep say to its mother on the phone?
Miss ewe!"
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What does a baby mouse say to its mother after seeing a bat?
Look mom, an angel!
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What are mixed feelings?
Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.
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Who would you save first?
Wife asks her husband: Honey, If a lion attacks my mother and I, Who would you save first? Husband: Well, the lion!
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When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.
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What are the Humans doing?
Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.
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What do you call a mother who is overweight and poor?
Beef on WIC
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Why did the table love playing volleyball?
Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.
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What is the worst thing about being an egg?
You only get laid once, and that's by your mother!
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What is the difference between wealth and poverty?
And the dad says: 'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'
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What's worse than your mother-in-law?
My mother-in-law.
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Who do you call a stupid whore?
Your mother, that is who i call a stupid whore
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Why does all Turkish men have a mustache?
because they wanna look like their mother.
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What sign did the mother put up in her neighbourhood when she realized her child's IQ was below average?
SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING
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Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?
Because he was in de-nile
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How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car?
gtOnly if you go aks your mother.
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What is the definition of a Freudian slip?
when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.
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Why does Oedipus hate profanity?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
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What do you get when you put a tomato in your mothers shoe?
A spanking
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Where is your mother from?
The second Eskimo says "Alaska."
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What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
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What's the downside to bigamy?
More than one mother-in-law.
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Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie?
It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that.
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When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty Will I be rich Here's what she said to me No
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What did the digital clock say to it's Mother?
Look Ma, no hands!"
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Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice* What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?
When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.
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What do you call your wife and mother-in-law when they're riding in the same car?
Dual air bags.
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What does your mother do for a living?
She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."
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What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?
BYE-SON!
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Why does a white guy go to a brothel?
For pleasure. Why does a black guy go to a brothel He's looking for his mother.
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Who's there? Budweiser. Budweiser who?
Budweiser your mother naked?
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What is hillybillys fantasy?
S&M . . . . .. Sister and Mother.
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Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?
How I bought your mother
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What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out my underpants?
My mother.
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What's wrinkly and hangs out your pants?
Your mother.
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Why did the mother of twins name both of her sons Edward?
Because two Eds are better than one.
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Whats the difference between Outlaws and Mother-in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted.
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What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
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What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?
One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
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What is Britain's most popular newspaper amongst breastfeeding mothers?
The Daily Express.
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What is with 2016?
It's like everyone and their mothers are dying. sorry not sorry
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What's the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
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Why do Italian men grow moustaches?
They want to look like their mothers.
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How do you want to handle your mother in law?
Do you want her incinerated, embalmed or buried -All of them, lets not take any chances
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What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas?
When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother
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What did the teenage boy who was jerking off in his room say when his mother called?
One second mom, I'm coming!
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How do you want your mother-in-law buried or cremated?
Hmm No risk do both.