Mouth Jokes

  • How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

    He ate the pizza before it was cool.

  • Why is being a politician more difficult than being a ventriloquist?

    Ventriloquists have to be able to speak with their mouths closed. Politicians speak out of both sides of their mouths simultaneously.

  • What has wings but can't fly, legs but can't walk, and a mouth but can't speak?

    A dead bird

  • What gets harder the longer it stays in your mouth?

    Bubblegum

  • Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote Republican this year?

    Last time she tried Democrat it left a bad taste in her mouth.

  • How are Cigarettes like Hamsters?

    They're harmless until you put one in your mouth and light in on fire

  • What if sharks hug with their mouths?

    Just sayin.

  • How can you tell that the stage is level?

    The drummer is drooling out of sides of his mouth.

  • Why did Horse Santa put his dentist on the naughty list?

    You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

  • Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

    He sipped his drink before it was cool

  • Why do you want to work here?

    ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

  • Why does noone listen ever to the guy who talks with his mouth full?

    He is so misunderstood.

  • What did the mouth say to the nose?

    Nothing; mouths can't ta... oh, wait...

  • Who's there ! Adolf ! Adolf who ?

    Adolf ball hit me in the mouth !

  • What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

    Me, when I remember to floss once a month. Edit: account got hacked and showed something different. Sorry about that

  • How can you tell when the stage is level?

    The drummer is drooling equally from both sides of his mouth.

  • How do you know when a politician is lying?

    Their mouth is moving.

  • What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

    I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth

  • What has teeth but no mouth?

    A comb or a saw.

  • How do you suffocate a redneck?

    Tape his mouth shut.

  • What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

    Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth

  • Whats 10 inches?

    What's 10 inches, has a big red head and makes my girlfriend cry when i put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage

  • Why did Monica Lewinsky vote Republican?

    Because Democrat left a bad taste in her mouth!

  • Whats big, pink, long and my girlfriend hates when I put it in her mouth?

    Our miscarriage.

  • Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?

    Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it in my ears."

  • What goes into the mouth of a quarter horse?

    Two bits!

  • How do you know that the drum riser is level?

    The drummer dribbles out of both corners of his mouth

  • What works better than anti-depressants?

    A 12 Gauge in the mouth This came to me whilst being all depressed.

  • What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green?

    A skunk rolling down a hill with a pickle in its mouth.

  • Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

    He kisses his mother with that mouth.

  • What does a monster mom say to her kids at dinnertime?

    Don't talk with someone in your mouth.

  • What's the difference between an M&?

    M and a tiny mute in your tuna sandwich screaming for help? One melts in your mouth, one mouths in your melt.

  • What is the difference between memory and ram?

    I can't memory my weiner in your mouth.

  • Why does a dentist seem moody?

    Because he always looks down in the mouth.

  • Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?

    And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?

  • What do you call a Roman warrior with hair in his mouth?

    Gladiator Get it? Glad He Ate Her..

  • Why was the man so down in the mouth?

    Because he ate his pillow.

  • What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla?

    Nobody is sure but if it opened its mouth to speak you'd listen!

  • What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common ?

    Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !

  • How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast?

    He foamed at the mouth.

  • How does a blonde call for her dog?

    She puts two fingers in her mouth and then shouts "Max!".

  • What's the difference between a repost and a bullet?

    I don't want to put a repost in my mouth

  • What's red, 10 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I try to put it in her mouth?

    Her miscarriage. sorry.

  • What's long and hard when you first put in in your mouth, but soft and wrinkly when you take it out?

    A piece of gum, you pervert!

  • What should you do when you see a blond with a pin in her mouth?

    RUN! She's got a grenade in her mouth!

  • Why are anorexic people cannibals?

    Because they're always putting their fingers in their mouths.

  • Why do men like love at first sight?

    Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

  • What kind of soldier doesn't need bullets?

    The kind of soldier that's always shooting his mouth off.

  • What they say: Want a bite of my sandwich?

    What I hear: How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth

  • Whats red, 10 inches long, and makes your girlfriend cry when you put it in her mouth?

    her miscarriage

  • What is long, hard and leaves a warm, white, sticky substance in your mouth?

    Toothbrush.

  • Why'd the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?

    Because he drank it before it was cool.

  • Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?

    To catch her false teeth.

  • What's the thing that is about 5-6 inches long, it goes into mouth and when you rub it back and forth it produces a white liquid?

    A toothbrush.

  • Why do prescription pills always say "by mouth?

    Where else would people put th... Ooooooh.

  • What do you call thrusting a hairy rod in and out of your mouth really fast then afterwards spitting out a white liquid?

    Brushing your teeth

  • What's 9 inches long, pink, and women scream when you put in their mouth?

    Their miscarriage

  • What has a mouth but never speaks, Has a bed but never sleeps, And has legs but never walks?

    amp;nbsp; A mute, crippled insomniac

  • What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

    RUN! She's got a grenade in her mouth!

  • What is juicy on the inside, dry on the outside, and has "apple" in it?

    A roasted baby with an apple in its mouth.

  • How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?

    A: Down in the mouth!

  • What has a mouth but no teeth?

    A: A river.

  • What is 19 cm long, pink and my girlfriend screams when i put it in her mouth?

    her abortion

  • What u doing?

    Math, it's due Friday" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u

  • Why did the monkey put a bone in his mouth?

    He wanted to smoke a joint!

  • What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth?

    Her miscarriage.

  • What do you mean you're not going to spank me?

    I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you

  • Why did the funeral director cover his mouth?

    he kept coffin

  • What do you call a dwarf without a mouth?

    Short for words.

  • What's difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

    I've never paid to have a lentil in my mouth.

  • What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

    His desk is level

  • Why was the frog down in the mouth ?

    He was un hoppy !

  • How do you know when a mongol is level?

    He's drooling from both corners of his mouth.

  • What does a Russian use to wipe their mouth?

    a soviet

  • What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had ?

    The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had !

  • How does an idiot call for his dog?

    He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

  • Why couldn't the cat speak?

    A: The dog taped his mouth.

  • What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

    An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

  • What is big and hard when you put it in your mouth and small and soft when you take it out?

    A chewing gum you pervert

  • What did the boy tell the priest in the confessional?

    Nothing. It's rude to talk with your mouth full.

  • What do you call it when you thrust a hairy pole in and out of your mouth, and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

    Brushing your teeth!

  • Why did the cowboy brush his teeth with gunpowder?

    A: So he could shoot his mouth off.

  • What did one fish say to the other?

    Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.

  • What will men do for pleasure at that time?

    God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.

  • How can you tell when Mitt Romney is lying?

    His mouth is moving.

  • What did the polite bacteria say to the mouth?

    GingINVITEus in!

  • Why doesn't Oedipus swear?

    Because he kisses his mum with that mouth.