Nail Jokes
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What happens when you stick your hand into a jar of jelly beans?
The black ones steal your watch and the yellow ones paint your nails.
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What do Jesus and your mom have in common?
They both got nailed all night.
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What's the 6 things that's white on a black guy?
It's quite easy when you think about it. It's the inside of the hands, inside of the feet, the eyes, the teeth, the nails, and the owner.
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Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist?
Because they fought both tooth and nail!
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What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?
The look on their face while being nailed.
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Why doesn't Jesus enjoy manicures or pedicures?
Because they always try to mess with his nails.
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How do we know Jesus wasn't good with the ladies?
He only got nailed once
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What did the people who hung Jesus to the cross say?
Nailed it
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What is a carpenters dream girl?
What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.
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What's worse than having 10 babies nailed to a tree?
One baby nailed to 10 trees...
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Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey?
He didn't like getting nailed to the boards.
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What do you call a Nun that bites her nails?
A bad Habit. I'll see myself out.
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What is Jesus's go-to pickup line?
Would you like me to show you what it feels like to get nailed?
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Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?
He's always nailed to the boards....
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Why did Jesus take three days to resurrect after dying on the cross?
Because the date wasn't nailed down.
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Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
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What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?
If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor
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How do we know Jesus wasn't a virgin?
Because he got nailed three times.
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Why is Jesus bad at hockey?
He always gets nailed to the boards.
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What does a French carpenter say when he runs out of nails?
I haven't a clous.
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What did Jesus say when he was nailed upon the cross?
Me! That hurts!"
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What's the difference between Jesus and a whore?
The expression on their face when they're getting nailed.
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How can we possibly improve this?
Man invents wheel of cheese* "Nailed it!"
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Why didn't Jesus ever play in the NHL?
because every time he tried he got nailed to the boards!
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Why are your nails painted two different colors?
Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color. Dad: ... Dad: Can I hear it
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What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?
You only need a nail to hang a painting.
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How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin?
None. It is all tongue and groove
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Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
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What happened when Jesus 'screwed' around?
He got *nailed*.
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What is the difference between an oil painting and Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang an oil painting.
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How did Jesus lose his virginity?
When he was nailed on the cross.
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Why can't Jesus play hockey?
He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!...
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What's in your mom's tummy?
5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.
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Why didn't Jesus get into college?
Because he got nailed on the boards.
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Why dosn't Jesus christ play hockey?
Because he'd always get nailed into the boards
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What's the difference between Jesus and his portrait ?
His portrait only need one nail
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Why didn't Jesus have any children?
He only got nailed by guys )
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What is the difference between a painting and jesus?
A painting only need one nail to hang
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Why shouldn't a dentist and manicurist be in a relationship?
All they will do is fight tooth and nail!
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Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?
Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards!
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What did the roman soldier say after crucifying Jesus?
Nailed it
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What do jesus and girls have in common?
The expression on their faces when they got nailed.
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Why did the elephant paint its nails red?
So it could hide in the strawberry patch.... Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? No? See, it worked!
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Why doesn't Jesus play hockey anymore?
He kept on getting nailed into the boards.
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What do wives and shingles have in common?
if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.
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What do you call a hula hoop with a nail on the inside?
A Navel Destroyer.
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How is being married like puttin' on a tin roof?
If you don't nail her good she'll be at the neighbors.
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What happened when the bike ran over a nail?
It popped a wheelie.
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Why doesn't Jesus Play Hockey???
Because he doesn't want to be nailed to the boards.
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What do your mom and Jesus have in common?
They both got nailed
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What's the hardest part about making a manicure joke?
You really have to nail it
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What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?
A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."
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What do nails like to do on the weekend?
Get hammered.
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What did the Hammerhead shark say to his buddies when he got laid?
Nailed it.
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Why do girls NOT like Jesus?
NSFW Because every time he gets nailed it takes him 3 days to get it back up again.
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What did Judas say after capturing Jesus?
Nailed it.
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Whats the difference between Jesus and a whore?
They both moan when you nail them, but only one of them actually enjoys it.
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What do you call a baby deer's droppings?
FawnDoo! Nailed it.
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What happend when the bike ran over a nail?
It popped a wheelie.
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How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
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Why is Jesus happy people hang pictures of him?
It only takes one nail to put him on a wall.
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How do know a job's been done by a lesbian carpenter?
There are no nails, and no screws, it's all tongue and groove!
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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
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How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
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How do you work the Dragon Balls?
Nail: Did you work the shaft
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What did the Romans say to each other after crucifying Jesus?
Nailed it!"
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Why didn't Jesus cross the road?
Because you can't cross a road when your nailed to a cross
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What do Jesus and Muhammad have in common?
They both nailed a 2x4.
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How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles?
nail the other hand to the floor.
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Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's floor?
A. They're all laid with tongue and groove.
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What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer?
A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.
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What did jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior?
Yall nailed it.
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What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?
He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
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What did Jesus say after he was resurrected?
Nailed it
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Why did Jesus stop playing hockey?
Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.
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Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?
He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
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What did Jesus say when they un-nailed his hands from the cross?
THE FEET, THE FEET, THE FEET!!!
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Why did the carpenter's wife leave him?
He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.
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What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common?
Nails in their hands and feet
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Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
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Why did Carrie Fisher enjoy doing her one-woman show?
Because she nailed that Solo.
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How do you keep a ghoul from biting his nails?
A: Replace the nails with screws.
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Why does Jesus and bartenders have so much in common?
Bcoz they are single, have no kids, got nailed and serve alcoholic beverage.
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Where do noodles get their nails done?
At the spa-getti.
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Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
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What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ?
He cut all his fingers off !
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What do you get when you cross Tom Cruise with nails?
A cruiseifixion.
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What do you say when a Polish magician performs a magic trick?
Nailed it
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How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.