Night Jokes
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Why did the dog sleep so poorly?
By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
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Why was the phone busy all night?
Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
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What is the biggest similarity between the average Redditor and a lumberjack?
They both sleep all night and whack all day!
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Where does Max Planck go for a night out?
To the h-bar
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What do you call a person who sleeps next to dead bodies at night?
Morgue Attendant
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What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?
A barbie queue (BBQ)! Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad. I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.
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Where were you on the night of the 5th?
Dealing drugs." "Louder for the tape " leans in "Healing pugs. I'm a pug vet."
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Why did a man name his legless dog, Cigarette?
Cause he had to take him out for a drag every night.
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How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?
No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.
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What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
I didn't make an enzyme last night.
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What's hard and hairy and sticks out of your pajamas at night?
Your head.
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What do you call a group of Beavers?
A hens nights
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake at night if there really is a dog.
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What do you say when you see your TV floating at night?
Put it down, Tyrone!"
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When do the leaves begin to turn?
The night before a test.
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What do you call a horse at night?
A Nightmare
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What's Batman's least favourite album?
A Night at the Opera.
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What do golfers do on nights out?
par**ty.
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What does one strawberry say to the other?
Well, if you hadn't been so fresh last night, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam!"
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What do a washing machine and a one night stand have in common?
a washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you put a load in it..
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How are false teeth like stars?
They come out at night!
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?
Some guy sitting up all night wondering if there really is a dog
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What do you get... ... when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and and agnostic?
Answer(/s "Someone who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog")
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, dyslexic, and an insomniac?
Some one who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
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Where do Crows hang out on friday night?
The crow bar.
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What did the fisherman and his girlfriend do last night?
Net fish and krill
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What superhero would a (insert stereotype here) man be?
Batman. Why Because he can't go out at night without Robin!
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What do little piglets do on a Saturday night?
Have a pigjama party!
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Why does Shakira have such a hard time sleeping at night?
Because her hips won't lie.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do with most of his time?
Stay up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
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What fish only swims at night ?
A starfish !
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What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow?
A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night !
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What do you call a insomniac dyslexic agnostic?
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog!
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What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking?
I set WHO free?"
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What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog
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Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle?
In case of any night mares!
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What does the Doctor say on a one-night stand going wrong?
It's bigger on the inside(http://www.youtube.com/watch v=6zXDo4dL7SU)
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What did the mermaid do last Saturday night?
She went out with the tide.
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Why did Elton John's trucking company only work weekends?
Because Saturday nights alright for freighting.
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What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
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Who was that lady I saw you with last night?
The Canadian says "That was my wife."
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Why doesn't Kirk like to have one-night stands?
Because the girls always cling on him afterwards.
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Why did the sauce need a night light?
Because he was alfredo the dark!
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What do you call a pot smoker that spends every night dancing and drinking with his friends?
A Rastapartying
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What do you get if you mix up together an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
A guy who is up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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Why did Thor decide to sleep in?
He was up all night to Get Loki.
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What do you get when you mix an Insomniac a Dyslexic and an Agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog
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What do you get when if you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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When does a bed grow longer?
A: At night, because two feet are added to it.
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What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
Prom
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Why did the cellphone go to court?
Because it was charged with battery.
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What does a dyslectic, agnostic, insomniac think about at night?
Is there really a dog. Dog lover joke.
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How does the Addidas executive work through the night?
Three lines
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What do bored frogs do on a Friday night?
They go Bar Hopping!...
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What's the difference between Batman and a Black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin
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Why did the leper chase the leopard?
Because she wanted the D. (I dreamed this joke last night. Not bad for a dream joke.)
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Why is Christopher Walken so tired?
Because at night, he's always sleepwalken
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What has more lives than a cat?
A frog -- it croaks every night.
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What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Wisconsin?
Prom night.
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What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is dog.
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows Me covering tub of dead birds: is that the saying
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What does an agnostic man with insomnia and dyslexia do in his free time?
He stays awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.
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Why do pro gamers get up at 1:37pm?
Because it's 13:37! I came up with this last night and have been waiting to post it until 1:37pm my time.
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When was Rome built?
Pupil: At night. Teacher: Why did you say that Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!
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What do you call a hotel special that lets policemen stay for two nights for the price of one?
CuNO3!
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Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night?
Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.
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What do you do when your one night stand doesn't take Plan B?
Plan C-ya.
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What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
He stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
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Why is the robot good at one night stands?
Because he nuts and bolts.
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What do you do when you get to the top of the world's tallest mountain?
Have a rest. (Everest, get it?) Really awful joke, but I thought of it last night and was wondering if anyone recognised it? Who knows, it might be original....
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Whats the German version of silent night?
Kristall nacht
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What's big, white and goes down on you in the middle of the night?
An Airbus A320.
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Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
A: Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
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What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?
A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. Infinite Jest, by DFW
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Where did the zombie go on his night out?
To the st club.
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What do you call a one night stand with a robot?
Nut and bolt
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What did the egg say to the boiler water?
It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid last night.
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How'd you sleep last night?
Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed " Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.
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Why did the Dark Ages existed?
Because there were 'nights.
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What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?
He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.
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Whats George Zimmerman's favorite song?
Blame it on the night
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What's the difference between a frog and a cat?
A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.
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How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before?
He has claw marks on his forehead.
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What do Jesus and your mom have in common?
They both got nailed all night.
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What do a hot girl and my little toe have in common?
I bang them both on my coffee table at night.
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What did you call a dinosaur that keeps you awake at night ?
Bronto-snore-us !
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Why do you look out the window in the morning?
A: Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.
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Why does more black people get run over during the day?
You can't see them when it is night.
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Whats hard, black, and keeps me up all night?
My Roku.
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What did one strawberry say to the other?
If you weren't so fresh last night we wouldn't be in this jam.
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, dyslexic, and an agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What happens at night in Bangladesh?
It gets Dhaka
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What do you get when... ...you cross a religious skeptic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?
A person who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Why does the swimming pool get laid every night?
Because he makes all the ladies wet.
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What do you call it when a person acts holy for a night then sins every day after?
A one night stand with Jesus
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What does a carpenter do after one night stand?
A matching one for the other side of the bed.
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an atheist, an insomniac?
A person that lays awake late at night and ponders if there's such a thing as a dog.
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How are one night stands like savings accounts?
you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.
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What do you get is you cross a ghost with a packet of potato chips?
Snacks that go crunch in the night.
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Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
The slaughter house
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What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head ?
A tiger moth !
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What does it mean to be an Agnostic with insomnia and dyslexia?
You stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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Why's that?
I keep getting calls in the night.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog
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What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?
Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
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What's the difference between a blonde and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.
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Why did Night fall?
Because Day tripped him.
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What is 20 inches long and makes women scream at night?
A stillborn
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What does a Knight do at night?
Nighty Night
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Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?
A: The other replies "That was no piccolo that was my fife."
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How does an international banker have a good Friday night?
He goes to a bar and slips somebody a Rupee, then gives them a Franc and some Deutsche Marks.
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Why should you not let your kids go to Korean Discos?
Because you don't want them hanging around Parks at night.
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What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?
Nocturtle
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What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac spend his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What did the polygamist horse get on his wedding night?
A double bridle
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What does a robot do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
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Why was the man sent to prison after staying up all night?
Because he was resisting a rest.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?
He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
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What does a mentally disabled lizard said to be diagnosed with?
A Reptile Dysfunction *ba dum tss* I'll be here all night folks
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Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night?
He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.
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What do brunettes and red-heads do on Friday nights?
Make blonde jokes!
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Why did the rancher stop attending poker night with his marijuana smoking steers?
The steaks were getting too damn high.
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What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
Stays up all night pondering the existence of a dog
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What do Microsoft updates and Brock Turner have in common?
They install at night, while you are asleep, without consent.
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic who has insomnia?
A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
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Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
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What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating?
Man, wall mounts are awesome."
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Why was the little shoe sad?
I'm here all night
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What does a robot do at the end of one night stand?
He falls off
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What do you call and Irish person who stays outside all night?
Paddy O'Furniture
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What did Jarod from subway get on his first night in jail?
A foot long
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How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night?
He used a skeleton key.
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Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks* *Spends night making balloon animals
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How do these presidential candidates sleep at night?
With an electorate blanket.
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What's the difference between Batman, and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin. Ba-Dum-Tis!!!!!!!
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What did one tonsil say to the other?
Get dressed a doctor is taking us out to night.
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Where do cows go on Friday nights?
A: To the moovies.
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How fast can Klingon's run?
About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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What do you get when you cross a dylexsic, insomiac and a agnostic?
Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
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What do you do when you see a floating T.V. in the middle of the night?
Tell Jamal to drop it
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How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?
Take away their beds...
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What do you call it when a sheep sells his wool for money?
Cashearing! (Joke I made up last night at work, so be gentle with me)
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What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night ?
Russell !
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Who was that girl I saw you with last night?
Second Cannibal: That was no girl that was my supper.
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What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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How can you go without sleep for seven days and not be tired?
Sleep at night
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How was the party last night?
17: It was fun. The cops came. Me: What 17: Nah, it's cool. We got away. Me: That's my girl.
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What is the difference between a hog and a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.
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What do you call two ninjas named Charlie, stranded outside on a cold night?
Numchucks.
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What is someone who takes drugs?
What is someone who drinks What hit you in the face last night
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a dog.
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What does a bee do with his stinger at night?
Put it in his honey.
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Where do Dutch sheep go at night?
TO SHLEEP! :D
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What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?
I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.
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What does an agnostic ... dyslexic insomniac do at night?
He lays awake and wonders if there really is a dog.
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What kind of company is a 24 hours hamburger joint?
Fry-by-night!
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Why do raindrops like lightning at night?
So they can see where they are going
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Where were u on the night of the 3rd?
Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape " Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
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Why is it best to ask photographers personal questions at night?
X-post r/photography) Because they open up when it gets dark.
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What do you get when you drop a piano in a coal mine?
A flat minor. Night... Don't forget to tip your waitress
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How can a man go 7 days without sleeping?
Sleep at night
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What does GOP mean?
GOP" is onomatopoeic: it's the sound of anonymous penetration in public bathrooms late at night. -&y
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Why do moslem girls love black guys?
more satisfaction at night for wearing a ninja suit all day.
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What do you get when you're agnostic, dyslexic, and an insomniac?
You stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.
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Why was the wife worried that her husband was a light drinker?
Every night, he'd go out and drink until it was light.
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What did the house turn into on the night of the full moon?
A Warehouse.
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Who satisfies earth the most?
Sun. Because the sun goes down every night.
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How did the astronaut land on the sun?
He went at night.
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What do you call two obese lesbians who are about to turn in for the night?
Bedward ScissorHams
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What do buccaneers let off on bonfire night?
Piratechnics!
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What's worse than stepping on a Lego in the middle of the night?
A landmine.
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What's the best part about having multiple personality disorder?
Banging your best friend's wife every night!
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?
Lie in bed wondering "Is there really a dog?"
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What's the best thing about having insomnia?
Only one nights sleep til Christmas!
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Why are there so many dumb blonde jokes?
it gives brunnettes and redheads something to do on friday and saturday nights!
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What will the results of the next election be?
No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!
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What do you call a a a a aoohhh?
Yo mama last night bro.
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What did the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac do?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A person who stays up at night, wondering if there's a dog.
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What do you call that which barks during the day and floats during the night ?
Your grandma's jaws
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Who was the best player on the Seahawks last night?
The Broncos' center
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What is 32% black, 45% white... ...gets lit up and changes to blue and red at night?
Chicago.
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Why are Muslims so good at driving at night?
Because that's when they brake fast.
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What do SQL programmers do at night?
Count star.
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What is your best sushi-related joke or pun?
My dad and I are going out for sushi tonight, and he has rescheduled this dinner with me several times for dumb reasons (one night was because he randomly decided to go out drinking instead). Would love to get my revenge by making sushi puns and jokes all night, but Google is failing me--I've only been able to find jokes that either make no sense, or are just not funny at all. Help!
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How Dave Grohl spent his night in his hotel room after the concert in Gothenburg, Sweden?
He watched movie Cast Away (starring Tom Hanks) and ate some potato chips.
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What do ladies-of-the-night do when in their garden?
They hoe it.
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Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit ?
So he could tell the time at night !
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What does someone from Alabama say after a one night stand?
Wham, bam, thank you fam"
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How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin?
A little stiff.
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What do you call it when the women in the back of a mexican brothel talk after working all night?
Whorechata. Probably my best original, lemme know what you think.
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What has two thumbs and got laid last night?
My hands.
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How can a man go eight days without sleep?
No problem , He sleeps at night.
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What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
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What do you call a dyslexic insomniac philosopher?
A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
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What do Ethiopians do at night?
Starve.
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What did one flea say to the other after a night out ?
Shall we walk home or take a dog
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What happens if you plug your electric blanket into the toaster?
You pop up all night.
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Why do cicadas stay up all night chirping irregularly, unable to sleep?
Their cicadan rhythm is off
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What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
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What did the mermaid do last Sunday night?
A: She went to sea a movie.
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What does FUN stand for?
Some nights, I don't know.
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What do you call a person who you had a one night stand with on Mars?
A solmate
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What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?
I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...
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What do you call a fart in the middle of the night? What do you call a fart in the mourning?
A midnight snack A hot Breakfast
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Why does the sun set at night?
The moon scares the daylights out of it!
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What does a perverted cow do at night?
Beef Jerkey
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What did E.T.'s mother say when E.T. got home?
Where on Earth have you been??!!" **Thank you, I'll be here all night... Edit: Thanks for da love Dr. Jones!
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What lights up a football pitch at night?
A football match.......
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I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted!
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What does Stalin do on a night out?
Paints the town red
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Why doesn't anyone in insert nations capital use the toilet in the morning?
So they have something to do at night.
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What do you call a one-night stand?
A humpty-dumpty!