Number Jokes

What do giraffes and humans share the same number of?
Testicles.

Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it's two gross! (A gross is a measurement unit for "144". So 2 * 144 = 288. Or "two gross".)

How are you doing in arithmetic ?
I've learned to add up the zeros but the numbers are still giving me trouble.

Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

What should a teacher take if he's run down?
The number of the car that hit him.

What do you call a number on drugs?
High Five

Why did the accountant cross the street?
To crunch numbers.

How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.

How many cops does it take the screw in a lightbulb?
The same number it takes to screw public confidence in law enforcement

What did the number 1 say to (pi)?
Let's get rational you can't carry on like this!

What did the ceiling fan say?
YEEEEAAAAH! GO CEILING! YOU NUMBER ONE BABY! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!

What did the number zero say to the number eight?
Nice belt."

Why is 7 afraid of 8?
It's not, numbers don't have emotions.

Why did Mexico reduce the number of days an American tourist can stay in their country from 180 days to 90 days ?
Because after 90 days in Mexico, even they try to enter the US illegally.

How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon?
Intersect it with a plane.

Why are urologists selfish?
Because they're all about number one

What are the type of numbers you get when you take an integer and add it to itself?
I can't even

How many Sand People does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
No one knows. They ride single file to hide their numbers.

Why does Star Wars Movies numbering scheme starts with 4,5,6?
Because in charge of the numbers, Yoda was

What did number 2 say to number 1?
you're an odd fellow

Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers?
Math hue.

What did the regular expression truck driver say when he saw the number 10000?
104

What did the naturalist say when he saw a number of rocks covered in moss?
I'm lichen what I see"

What did the number zero say to the number 8?
I like your belt

What number is higher than infinity?
420

What does the number 668 represent?
The of the Beast.

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: Because she didn't know which one came first!

Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting?
They literally can't even.

What are the odds I could find the sum of numbers from 1100?
I'd say it's fifty fifty

How do you know your S&M partner works in IT?
They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.

Why did Microsoft skip a number when naming their new operating system?
Because 7 ate 9.

How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you

Why is Sigma good at sharing?
Because he only ever takes sum of the numbers!

How many Sandpeople does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You never can tell. The Sandpeople always ride in single file to hide their numbers.

Why did the ambulance show up to a tennis match between Number 8 and Number 9?
The umpire called it: nine won one.

What's joke #1?
THIS IS NOT A JOKE I'm sure you all have heard the joke where has a number for each joke and that everyone just remembers the numbers instead for typing out the jokes. This always made me think "What would joke #1 be?" What do you think it'd be?

What do you call a number that won't sit still?
A roamin' numeral. :P

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
Nice belt. :)

How do you know your S&?
M partner works in IT? They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.

Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars?
Because it's his only chance to open the door to Number 10!

When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone's numbers again, I text them: "Guess who?
for 2 weeks.

Why did the calendar give up on life?
Because he felt his days were numbered.

Why is Bill Gates scared of the number 7?
Because 7 8 10.

What does the number 3 have in common with a Tumbler user?
They both can't even.

What's the current number one song in Russia?
Crimea river

Why was Yoda afraid of the number Seven ... ?
because

What did the number do when it divided from its companion?
Changed its status from 'In A Relationship' to 'Single'.

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
13. Number 9 will shock you!

What do numbers look like when they get divorced?
96

How do you call a play on numbers?
A pin.

What's the number for Baltimore chiropractic services?
912001

What's a horse's number one priority when voting?
A stable economy...

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
13\. Number 9 will shock you!

What do they call number 17 in black jack ?
The stepmother, because sometimes you want to hit her, even though you shouldn't

What is that?
Its just that...your numbers not in it.

What the hell?
Why are you skipping numbers girl 1: Because I can't even!!!

What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A roamin' numeral.

How many indie bands does it take to change a light bulb?
Eh, it's some number you've probably never heard of.

Why was number 6 scared of number 7?
Because 7 8 9!

What noise does a ceiling fan make?
GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!

Why can a number divided by zero never be found in the dictionary?
Because it's undefined.

What happened to the number 10?
It got stuck in 9/11

Why did the number one go to jail?
187

Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?
Because his number couldn't fit in their phones

Why is the number eight afraid of the number seven?
Because seven ate nine.

How do you make the number one disappear?
Add the letter G and it’s “gone”!

What is the best thing to take when you're run over?
The number of the car that hit you.

How do you a convert a number to a radical?
You convert it to Islam.

Why was the calendar nervous?
It's days were numbered!

How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?
He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...

Which number confuses people?
82

Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?
Because he is 2 square.

What did the man say who couldn't add the same number to itself?
I can't even...

Why did the number of parking tickets spike after Persephone was carried off to the underworld?
Because Demeter stopped working.

Why do most movie sequels stink?
Because movie makers are basically doing a number 2.

What's the difference between the number 3 and David Cameron?
One's a prime number, the other's a prime minister.

What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?
They're not infallible

Why was the calendar depressed?
His days were numbered.

What's the number for poison control?
Dancing With the Stars is on and I need to make sure this will be enough.

What do you get when you put a number 1 and a number 2 on your calculator?
A huge mess.

Why is the number 6 always angry?
Because 789

What's your cell phone?
iPhone.  No, I meant the number.  It's a 6.  No, to contact you.  I don't use it for that.

Why did the calendar die?
It's days were numbered.

Why are the other numbers afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9.

How many grains of sand are there in the world?
As many as 27. I'm referring to the number of times good ol' 27 was reposted.

Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?
Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job "ok" Number 7 will shock you "You're hired"

What do I do?
Someone else yells "Call 911!" The blonde yells back "What's the number "

Why were all the numbers afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

Which is the month in which women talk the least?
February... because it has the least number of days

How many Heisenbergs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you know the number, you don't know where the socket is.

Why does no one like the number 4?
It's too square.

Why did the little boy flush a pencil down the toilet?
Because it was a Number 2.

What number is most common in earth sciences?
e

Why can't two even numbers be together?
The odds are against them.

What number is the oddest prime number?
2 Source: My discrete professor

Which country has the most number of bacteria, viruses, fungus and other microorganisms?
GerMany