Nut Jokes
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What does a doughnut have in common with a nut?
They dough nut have anything in common.
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What does an asylum have in common with a squirrel's house?
They're both used to store nuts.
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How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
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Why do robots make bad boyfriends?
They just screw, nut, then bolt.
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What do you call a group of scientologist almonds?
Nuts.
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Why could Frankenstein's Monster not have children?
Because his nuts were in his neck!
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Why do big trucks have nuts on the trailer hitch, but no shaft?
Because the prick's behind the wheel
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What do you call a robot that doesn't support his children?
Nuts and bolts
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What kind of nuts go on a carrot cake?
First time posting to .
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What's the difference...?
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar and deer nuts are just under a buck.
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Where does Santa keep his nuts?
In his nutsack...
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Why was the Eunich Squirrel unhappy?
Because he had no nuts.
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What does a nut say when it sneezes?
Cashew.
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What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze?
Cashew
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What do robots do on a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
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Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?
The pirate says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"
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What did the pirate say with the steering wheel in his pants?
Arrgh, it's driving me nuts!
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What is the most well educated type of nut?
Macademia.
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Why is the robot good at one night stands?
Because he nuts and bolts.
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What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?
Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)
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What did the bolt say to the nut?
Washer? I don't even know 'er!"
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What is in a virgin candy bar?
Cherries and nuts
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What do you call a nut on a wall?
A walnut! What do you call a nut at the beach A beech nut! What do you call a nut in the toilet A peanut!!
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What did the pirate say after his first-mate stuck the wheel in his pants?
ARGHH! You're driving me nuts!"
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How do you grow a cow?
Plant its nuts.
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What did one nut say to the other?
Nut-thing! ....I'll see myself out.
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What did the web designer do when a hot girl walked up to him and squeezed his nuts?
He AJAXulated.
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What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants?
Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!"
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What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
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What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand?
He screws, nuts, and bolts
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What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
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What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar twenty five, deer nuts are under a buck
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck... I'll see myself out now.
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When do you kick a midget in the nuts?
When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
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What did the psychiatrist say to the patient that showed up wearing Saran Wrap and nothing else?
I can clearly see your nuts!
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What happens when you turn a cashew in to the police?
You bust a nut
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What did the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants say when he couldn't remember why it was there?
Arrrh, it's driving me nuts
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Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.99 deer nuts are under a buck
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What do you call a guy with no nuts and a horn on his head?
A eunucorn.
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How can you tell that truckers like nuts?
They always have pecans! (Read aloud)
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What did one ovary say to the other one?
What did one ovary say to the other one? "Did you order any furniture?" "No. Why?" asked the other. "Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."
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What kind of NUT would make a pie for THANKSGIVING?
Pecan, typically.
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What the hell is a steering wheel doing there?
the pirate replies: "Arr, it's been driving me nuts"
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What did the Psychiatrist say to the naked man wrapped in surran wrap?
Well I can clearly see your nuts
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Why do robots make bad lovers?
Nuts & bolts!
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What's the best trade a palindrome has ever made?
A nut for a jar of tuna.
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What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?
dads in unison DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
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Who is?
These nuts"
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What did the pirate say when he had a steering wheel down his pantaloons?
Arr! It's driving me nuts!
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What did the man say after he forgot to pull out?
I regret nutting!!!
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What kind of nuts go on your feet?
Cashews.
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What did the pea say to the peanut?
At least you got one nut, I don't see what you're crying about.
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What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
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What are the cheapest kind of nuts?
Deer nuts, they're under a buck.
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What is a Pokemon's favorite kind of nut?
A Pi-cashew
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Why did my friend get a screw in her pizza?
She is allergic to nuts.
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What is it called when a spanish man has 10 testicles?
Diez nuts!
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What's the difference between America and cereal?
You can get cereal without nuts.
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What do you call a donkey throwing nuts?
An astronaut.
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What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?
He screwed, nutted, and bolted.
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What do you call a nut that can't talk?
Nutin special. Credit to my 8 year old daughter who made that one up.
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How many nuts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Brazilian
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Why did the baby squirrel wear a diaper?
To hide his nuts!!
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What's better than being up to your knees in beer?
Being up to your nuts in cider.
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What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?
Squirrels they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.
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What does trail mix have in common with a nursing home?
They're both filled with nuts
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Which nut is the angriest?
The pistachio.
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What did the pirate say about the steering wheel in his pants?
Arrg, it's driving me nuts!"
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What does the Pillsbury Dough boy hide under his apron?
Dough nuts!
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Why type of nut do Wallflowers like?
Walnuts
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Which nut could pimp the Prince of Darkness?
Mack-a-Dameon.
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What does a hardware salesman do on a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
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What did the psychiatrist say to the crazy naked guy wrapped in cellophane?
Clearly, I can see your nuts.
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What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap?
Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
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Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
Because they are both surrounded by nuts.
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How do you make Manischewitz Wine?
Kick him in the nuts.
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What did the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants say?
Argh it's driving me nuts!"
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What do you call a one night stand with a robot?
Nut and bolt
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What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies?
Almond Joy.
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What sound does a pigeon make when kicked in the nuts?
A high coo(/spoiler)
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Whats with the wheel on your john?
the pirate replied, "Arrg it's driving me nuts!"
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What did the pirate say after he pulled a steering wheel out of his pants?
It's driving me nuts!"
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What does a robot do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts