Open Jokes

  • Who's there ! Ali ! Ali who ?

    Ali-luyah at last you've opened the door !

  • Why doesn't an old man ever go down on his old wife?

    Ever opened a grilled-cheese sandwich?

  • How can you open a banana?

    With a monkey!

  • What does a gift and a black man have in common?

    White children get immense joy after tearing one open

  • What broke?

    opens door* Just wait until I get out there!! parenting from the bathroom

  • What time does Sean Connery go to the US Open?


  • What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas?

    We don't know she hasn't opened her presents yet.

  • What can happen when a car breaks down?

    A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

  • How many men does it take to open a beer?

    None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.

  • What do you call presents after you've opened them?


  • What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

    I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.

  • How does an ethiopian open a beer?

    With his ribs

  • What jedi is the best at opening PDF files?

    Adobe Wan Kenobi

  • What does a Jedi use to open files?

    Adobe-wan Kenobi

  • What time does Sean Connery get to the US Open?


  • What do you do when your car is making a really annoying noise?

    Open the door and kick her out.

  • Why are aussie bogans and necrophiliacs the same?

    They both want to crack open a cold one.

  • How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

    As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.

  • What did the boy with no arms or legs get for christmas?

    I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

  • Why couldn't Sally use the swings?

    She had no arms Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally. What did Sally get for her Birthday? We don't know, she didn't open it yet.

  • What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?

    I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.

  • What would you're opening line be?

    Like outrageous, dark, funny whatever let's hear!

  • How do you cause a riot at a cat show?

    Open a can

  • How is a computer like an air conditioner?

    They both stop working properly when you open windows.

  • How many babies does it take to open a door?

    Depends how hard you throw them.

  • Which program do Jedis use to open PDF files?

    Adobe Wan Kenobi.

  • How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

    Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

  • What did Jay say when Adnan opened the trunk?

    Hae girl Hae

  • Why aren't Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey?

    A: Because everytime they go into the corner they open up a convienent store.

  • What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan?

    Found on /r/linux) A: Open the other end

  • Why couldn't the man open a fish and herb shop?

    Because he didn't have the thyme or the plaice.

  • Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it?

    Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.

  • What kind of person are you if you open the door from the bottom of the door?

    A low-key person

  • What do you do when your Apple device gets warm?

    Ask apple to open the backdoor.

  • How do mob boss mules open doors?

    With Don-keys.

  • How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?

    Open the door. Put in the elephant. Close the door.

  • How does a blonde turn on the light after making love?

    Opens the car door.

  • Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

    Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk

  • Why are so many blind people religious?

    Because they just won't open their eyes!

  • What did little no armed Jimmy get for Christmas?

    Gloves! Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet.

  • Who's there ! Czech ! Czech who ?

    Czech before you open the door !

  • What did the hipster say when a starbucks opened in his neighborhood?

    You can't gentrify this place! I just moved here!"

  • What do they call a monastery key that opens all doors?

    Monk key

  • What's the easiest way to pay a musician?

    Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza

  • Why do men like love at first sight?

    Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

  • Why were the ants dancing on top of the jar of jam?

    It said "twist to open"

  • How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning?

    By opening the car door.

  • How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?

    Put both of them in the trunk of your the trunk and see who is happy to see you.

  • How's your narcissism?

    Much better I thin...*sees my ex walking by* opens window HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!"

  • What do jehovah's witnesses believe in?

    That I will open the door

  • What did Bob Marley say to his wife after he opened the fridge?

    No, Woman, no pie."

  • Whats Brown and Sticky?

    Mohammed Ali opening a can of coke.

  • What did the redditor say when he opened his package from the UniBomber?

    Wow, I did not expect this post to blow up

  • What did Serena say to Venus before they faced off in the US Open?

    In tennis, love means nothing.

  • How do you give a quadriplegic a headache?

    Ask him to hold open the elevator door

  • What would you do if you won the lottery?

    Two friends meet together and one asks: What would you do if you won the lottery? -I would build a brothel! Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money? -I'd open it to the public

  • How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

    Step one: Open the door. Step two: Put the elephant in. Step three: Close the door.

  • Who's there ! Bettina ! Bettina who ?

    Bettina minute you'll open this door !

  • Why did Sally drop her ice cream?

    She got hit by a bus. Why did Sally fall off the swing? She lost her arms when she was hit by a bus. Why did Sally not get back on the swing? She also lost her legs. Knock knock Who's there? Not Sally. What did Sally get for Christmas? I don't know, she couldn't open it.

  • How do you hide an elephant in a fridge?

    You remove his slippers and open the door . You put him inside. You close the door and take the slippers away.

  • What did the closed can say to the half opened can?


  • Why are negative parabolas so introverted?

    They have a hard time opening up

  • How do you open a banana safe?

    With a monkey.

  • Who do you think I am?

    Some sort of karate expert I can't even open a Cheetos bag.

  • What did the guy without hands get for christmas?

    We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet

  • What kind of bird opens doors ?

    A kiwi !

  • Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator?

    He didn't want to see the salad dressing.

  • What bank do birds open accounts with?

    The one with the most branches!

  • Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam?

    Because the top said "Twist to open."

  • Why is it best to ask photographers personal questions at night?

    X-post r/photography) Because they open up when it gets dark.

  • How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door?

    Just one if its lochte'd

  • Who's there ! Alexia ! Alexia who ?

    Alexia again to open this door !

  • What key do you need to open a banana?

    A monkey

  • How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?

    Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.

  • What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator was opened?

    Close that damn door! Can't you see I'm dressing??"

  • Who's there ! Belle ! Belle who ?

    Belle-t up and open this door !

  • What was the internet like in the old days?

    Me: *opens door* *pushes 16 outside* *locks door*

  • Who's there ! Canon ! Canon who ?

    Canon open the door then

  • What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas?

    Gloves. Jk he hasn't opened it yet!!

  • What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla?

    Nobody is sure but if it opened its mouth to speak you'd listen!

  • Why did blonde open a fishcan in a shop?

    Because on top of it was written : Open here.

  • What did Michael get for his birthday?

    Gloves ... Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet Knock, knock Who is it Not Michael

  • How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

    None. She should have opened it as she brought it to you.

  • Why couldn't the Jedi open the door?

    He didn't use enough force...

  • How do you know when to use "fridge" or "refrigerator"?

    Open it, if there's a 'd' in it, it's a fridge.

  • Why did the girl blush when she opened the fridge?

    She saw the salad dressing.

  • What do Windows and a submarine have in common?

    If you open the windows in a submarine, your problems will begin.

  • What do you call a man who opens the car door for you?

    A chauffeur.

  • Why is there lipstick on your collar?

    she yelled. "It's part of the design," I said, opening up my wardrobe, "Look, I have the entire collection."

  • What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?

    I don't know, she hasn't opened it

  • What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

    They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

  • Who's there ! Adore ! Adore who ?

    Adore stands between us open up !

  • Why should you always knock before opening the refrigerator?

    Because there might be an Italian dressing.

  • What key opens a banana?

    A monkey. What key opens a carrot? A donkey.

  • Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars?

    Because it's his only chance to open the door to Number 10!

  • How many dothraki does it take to open a door?

    Idk, but they sure are hot.

  • What's it called when a huge hole opens up in the ground in the middle of Spring?

    Sinkhole de Mayo

  • What kind of key opens a casket?

    A skeleton key.

  • How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight?

    Just one with depression.

  • What did the little girl say when opened up a box of Cheerios?

    Awww, look daddy, doughnut seeds!!!

  • Why do women have trouble peeing in the morning?

    You ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich

  • What did the mayonnaise say to the man opening the fridge door?

    Don't look. I'm dressing."

  • How do you make a door hold water?

    You open it slightly so it's ajar.

  • How do government employees wink when they're at work?

    They briefly open one eye.

  • What does a child without arms get for x-mas?

    gloves! nah don't know, it hasn't opened the present yet

  • What do you call it when two guys open a weed dispensary?

    A joint venture.

  • What do you get a kid without arms for Christmas?

    Gloves, but he doesn't know that yet.. since he can't open it.

  • What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

    A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

  • How does Steve Irwin open a lock made of tears?

    With a "Cry-key!"

  • Why is the middle east the best place to open a store at the moment?

    Because business is booming.

  • Why do a lot of tech recruiters have herpes?

    Because they look for contributors to open sores.

  • Why did the guitarist keep his condoms in his guitar case?

    He only needed them after he'd opened it.

  • What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

    Gloves. Just kidding he couldn't open it to find out

  • What did the handless box get for hristmas?

    Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet.

  • Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?

    A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

  • How does Winnie the Pooh open his honey pot?

    With his bear hands. Thank the Chive for that one.

  • How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?

    Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.

  • How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning?

    A: She opens the car door.

  • How do you open a door underwater?

    You swimming pull

  • What did the man who survived a javelin headwound say to his opponent?

    Thanks for opening my mind.

  • How many guys does it take to open a beer?

    None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

  • What kind of shoes do Frogs wear?

    Open Toad sandals... I'll show myself out - thank you

  • What do computers and air conditioners have in common?

    Neither work when you open windows.

  • Why did the man open a rooftop bar?

    He wanted to have drinks on the house.

  • Why is the door to heaven always open?

    Because Jesus was born in a barn.

  • Why did the kittens turn atheist?

    Coz their eyes opened.

  • Why are Asians no good a football ( soccer) ?

    Because whenever they get a corner they open a shop !

  • Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?

    Adobe Wan Kenobi

  • Why are teachers always making answer keys?

    So they can open doors of opportunity for their students.

  • Why did little Jimmy break open his computer?

    It said that it had 20 cookies in it.

  • What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

    I don't know. He still hasn't opened his gifts.

  • What does Rick Ross say after opening a pack with only Hershey's in it?

    Ain't no merci

  • What is brown and sticky?

    Michael J Fox opening a can of coke

  • What did the guy who liked mustard say when he opened his fridge and saw no mustard?

    You mustard be joking!

  • How have you got that body?

    I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the boot and there she was."

  • What is the easiest way for a stressed astronaut to unwind and decompress?

    By opening the door.