Paint Jokes

  • What have men and spray paint in common?

    One squeeze and they're all over you.

  • How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

    Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

  • Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?

    It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.

  • How does someone pay for a painting?

    With Monet

  • What do post-impressionist painters sing when painting a Frozen landscape?

    Let it Gogh!

  • What's the difference between Jesus and the painting of the Last Supper?

    You only need one nail to hang the painting.

  • What did the painting on the wall say to the cop?

    I've been framed!

  • How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house?

    Paint a goal line on your driveway.

  • Why did the elephant paint its nails red?

    So it could hide in the strawberry patch.... Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? No? See, it worked!

  • What do communists do on May Day?

    Paint the town red.

  • Why did the elephant paint his balls green?

    Answer: to hide in avocado trees.. How did Tarzan die? Answer: Picking avocados

  • Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?

    They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.

  • What's a racists favorite song by the Rolling Stones?

    Paint it, black!

  • Why are your nails painted two different colors?

    Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color. Dad: ... Dad: Can I hear it

  • Why did the elephant paint his toenails red ?

    So he could hide in the cherry tree !

  • What do you get if you cross a retard and a graffiti artist?

    Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.

  • What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say Girlfriend: Are you done already?

    Mistress: Are you done yet Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...

  • How do you prevent a canoe from tipping?

    Paint it black.

  • What is the difference between paint and a midgets' underpants?

    When you sniff paint, you get high

  • What's a Jamaican's favorite brand of paint?

    Benjammin Moore mon

  • Why was the monkey attracted to the paint?

    Cuz it was yellow and appealing! Sorry if this is bad. Seen too many of the same jokes here and I wanted to add an original joke.

  • Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

    So they can hide in strawberry patches.

  • Why do we paint Easter eggs?

    Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

  • How do you catch a green elephant?

    Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.

  • How do you conufuse a blond?

    Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

  • How do zombies celebrate Halloween?

    They paint the town dead!

  • How does Planned Parenthood paint their walls?

    They go to Home Depot, get paint and rollers Sometimes they hire private contractors Lots of paint and tarps and tape, it's not that fun

  • What happens when you stick your hand into a jar of jelly beans?

    The black ones steal your watch and the yellow ones paint your nails.

  • Why did the painting go to jail?

    It was framed.

  • Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?

    Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box !

  • How many pollocks does it take to paint a house?

    1 to hold the brush and 1000 to turn the house!

  • What did the painter say to the paint can?

    A lot of good you are . (the joke is that the paint can is empty)

  • What paint is most popular in modern buildings?

    Microsoft Paint

  • What's red and smells like paint?

    Red paint

  • What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?

    You only need a nail to hang a painting.

  • How did the zebra get its stripes?

    Not many people know this, but zebras arent actually born with stripes. There is actually an entire industry of people called zebra painters who go around painting black stripes on zebras. This is done so zebras arent confused with albino donkeys.

  • How did the artist paint a picture?

    A: Easel-y.

  • What do you call a green man sitting on my porch?

    My n*gger and I'll paint him whatever color I want.

  • How many babies does it take to paint a house?

    Depends on how hard you throw them.

  • How do you confuse a blonde?

    Paint yourself green and throw forks at them.

  • Why did the remorseful child-molester paint his toe-nails?

    He thought it would be a pedicure. sorry.

  • Why did the elephant paint his balls red?

    What makes the loudest noise in the jungle?

  • What is the difference between a refrigerator and a one foot tall man painting the side of a house?

    Answer: On a quantum level, there is no difference.

  • What's blue, standing in the kitchen?

    STFU, I can paint my wife any colour I want!

  • What does Stalin do on a night out?

    Paints the town red

  • Why is a Boston painting school so special?

    Because everyone there is ahtistic.

  • What is the difference between a painting and jesus?

    A painting only need one nail to hang

  • When is paint free?

    When it's on the house.

  • Why aren't you charging me for the paint?

    They said, "Don't worry about it, it's on the house."

  • Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors?

    Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.

  • What is green and smells like paint?!?

    Green paint.

  • How did Mr Cheese paint his wife?

    He Double Gloucester.

  • How do you hide a elephant in a cherry tree?

    Paint it's balls red. Howed Tarzan die Picking cherries.

  • How does a tauren hide in a cherry tree?

    He paints his hooves red.

  • What did Julius Caesar ask when finding a color to paint the Senate?

    Ecru, Brute "

  • What would you have if all autos in the US were painted pink?

    A Pink Car Nation!

  • Why did the elephant paints it's toes red?

    So he could hide in the cherry tree.

  • How to you get rid of the dandelions on your lawn?

    Paint one of them black the others will move away.

  • Why do people paint eggs for Easter?

    Bunnies squirm too much.

  • Why did the pigs paint their hoofs green?

    It was Saint Patrick's Day.

  • How does a dark-skinned boy have light-skinned hands?

    because paint! -my four-year-old daughter.

  • Who is this Rorschach guy?

    And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

  • How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn?

    Paint an endzone on it.

  • How does a blond, get revenge on her blond boyfriend?

    She paints a target icon around the outlet.

  • Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?

    So they can hide in cherry trees. You've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree? They're pretty good at it.

  • Who me?

    Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting "free candy" on the side of creepy looking vans.

  • Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

    It only takes 1 nail to hang the painting.

  • Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships?

    So they could Scandinavian.

  • What colour did Matthew McConaughey want his house to be painted?

    All white, all white, all white.

  • Why did the internit paint his computer screen in little black and white squares?

    He wanted to check his e-mail.

  • What's the difference between a nail and a painting?

    It only takes one nail to hang a painting.