Pay Jokes

  • Why didn't the art thief get away?

    Because he didn't have to Monet to pay the Guy to make the Van Gogh.

  • How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

    A buck 'n ear

  • What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house?

    Mortgage Freeman

  • How do dog catchers get paid?

    By the Pound!

  • How much does a pirate pay for an ear piercing?

    A buck an ear

  • Why is post college life so easy for Lannisters?

    Because a Lannister always pays his debts.

  • What are the two biggest lies in Wyoming?

    My truck is paid for, and honestly officer, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.

  • How do IT technicians prefer to be paid?

    Cache in hand.

  • What knight of the round table never paid with cash when buying something?

    Sir Charge

  • What job pays you to shoot people but not harm them?

    A photographer.

  • What would be different if men got pregnant?

    Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

  • Why did the stair railing give money to Beethoven?

    A bannister always pays his deafs.

  • How do you get a hippie off your door step?

    Pay for the pizza and close the door.

  • Why did Walter White not pay for his pizza?

    Because it was on the house.

  • Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?

    Because education pays off in the long run!

  • Why was Mexico willing to pay to build the wall between the US and Mexico?

    So the can finally have a good Olympic team.

  • Who pays?


  • How do ducks pay off loans?

    With their bills!

  • What are you called if you are paid to be a thing?

    A pro-noun!

  • Who pays for the drinks?

    The German!

  • Why do we need to go to college?

    Student: Why do we need to go to college? Teacher: So we can get a high paying job Student: Why do we need a high paying job Teacher: So we can get lots of money Student: Why do we need lots of money Teacher: So we can pay off our college loans

  • Who let them out?


  • What's the difference a kidney bean and a chickpea?

    I've never paid $200 to have a kidney bean in my mouth.

  • Why do strippers hate roofers?

    They always pay in shingles.

  • How do inmates pay for things in prison?

    With ConCurrency, of course.

  • How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid?

    Mini-mom wage.

  • How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic?

    Cash or Czech Edit: a word

  • Why don't you have to pay for the items on a will?

    It's a dead giveaway...

  • What's best about hiring an immigrant midget?

    You pay them under the table )

  • How is Bernie going to pay for free college for everyone?

    No problem! He'll just make Mexico pay for it!

  • What do you call it when you paid all your bills?


  • Why do Redditors pay with exact change?

    They can't stand a Nickleback!

  • Why should you never take a swordfish out to dinner?

    Because you'll get stuck with the bill, and if you don't have money to pay the restaurant will call the cods on you. Fin.

  • What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy?

    A family friend paying a visit.

  • How do you stop your water from running?

    Stop paying the bill.

  • Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry?

    I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

  • Why didn't Greece vote for Tyrion?

    Because a Lannister always pays his debts.

  • Why wasn't the astronaut paying attention?

    Because he was spaced out.

  • How do you make a hormone?

    Don't pay her.

  • How much did the pirate pay for corn?

    A buck an ear!

  • Why isn't there a college in the world of Harry Potter?

    Because even Magic can't pay your college Loan

  • What happened to the Christian family when they didn't pay their exorcist?


  • What did the fish have to pay to get past the coral reef?


  • What's the worst part about working in a glory hole?

    You only get paid in tips.

  • Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?

    Because it's on the house.

  • How does Germany pay for all these refugees?


  • What happens when you get more than you payed for with a Mexican Gigolo?

    The second coming of Jess.

  • What's the difference between a green bean chickpea?

    No one has ever paid to have a green bean on their chest

  • Why didn't the fiddler have to pay for anything?

    Because it was all on the house

  • What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?

    You get repossessed.

  • How will you be paying, sir?

    Check mate"..

  • Why do I have to say please when I ask for a sandwich at a restaurant?

    They don't say please when I'm paying. They say, "That'll be $5". I should be able to say, "That'll be a sandwich."

  • What do you call a stripper you pay with noodles?


  • How many Murdochs does it take to change a lightbulb?

    They were unaware the lightbulb was an issue & regret unknowingly paying to change it

  • What is the difference between a cheap whore and an expensive whore?

    One is your mom the other one gets paid more.

  • Who him?

    Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

  • How often to wizard journalists get paid?

    They make a Daily Prophet.

  • Whats the least paying job?

    British dentist.

  • How ?

    I've paid him and i didnt sit in. I ran away

  • Whats the difference between a Russian garbanzo bean and a Russian chickpea?

    A president has never been blackmailed into treason over a video of him paying to have a Russian garbanzo bean on his face.

  • Why don't programers pay tax to the Devil?

    Because that would be a sin-tax issue.

  • How are whores and movies alike?

    You pay up front for both and even if it's bad, you don't get a refund for either.

  • Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

    Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

  • Why did the circus animals go on strike?

    The elephants found out that they were being paid peanuts compared to the rest of the troupe and the ringleader was taking the lions share.

  • How much do pirates pay for corn?

    A buck an ear!

  • How do you get the political science grad off your lawn?

    Pay for the pizza

  • What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house?

    He'll re-possess it

  • When should you charge a battery?

    A: When you can't pay cash.

  • What should you do when a bull charges you?

    Pay him

  • Why couldn't the pig pay his bill?

    He was a little shoat.

  • How does a dog catcher gets paid?

    by the pound.

  • What's the easiest way to pay a musician?

    Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza

  • How much did the cannibal pay for his new sports car?

    I don't know but I heard it cost him an arm and a leg.

  • What do Steam users and Reddit admins have in common?

    They don't want to pay for mods.

  • Why don't poor people go to funerals?

    They can't afford to pay respects.

  • How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?

    One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.

  • How do you get someone with a doctorate in philosophy to leave your house?

    Just pay for your pizza.

  • Why are clothes so expensive?

    I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.

  • What does the highest paid WNBA player make?


  • What do the Lannisters and Alice in Chains have in common?

    They pay their debts on time.

  • How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?

    With dog diskettes!

  • How much do pirates pay for piercings?

    A buccaneer!

  • Why can't Zeno seem to pay his bar tab in full?

    Answer: Because he kept giving half of what he owes.

  • How do you pay for incense?

    In cents

  • What's the diffrence between a Chickpea and a Gorbanzo bean?

    I woun't pay a 100 bucks for a Gorbanzo bean on my face.

  • Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay?

    Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"

  • Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?

    Because it can't drive a car without making it all denty.

  • Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

    So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

  • What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill ?

    Pack your trunk and clear out !"

  • How much do deodorant factory workers get paid?

    A pittance.

  • What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

    I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face..... :D eh. Eh.?

  • How does the Pope pay for things online?


  • How did Jesus pay for our sins?


  • How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

    I don't know, but I bet we could pay them less than a group of men for the same amount of work.

  • What's the difference between a chick pea and potato?

    I've never paid $50 to have a potato on my face.

  • What attracted you to our company?

    Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

  • Why do zoos pay for simian liability insurance?

    To avoid monkey suits

  • How do you hear a hormone?

    Pay $100 for 30 minutes

  • How are strippers and Subway workers similar?

    They'll both lie and tell you it's a footlong to get paid.

  • What does a pirate pay for his corn?

    A buccaneer!

  • What's the difference between a PC gamer and a console player?

    One spends 400 dollars on a console that will play games for years, the other pays 400 dollars for a graphics card that will be outdated in a week

  • What do you call it when an eclipse occurs?

    When God forgets to pay the electricity bill.

  • How does someone pay for a painting?

    With Monet

  • Why should you pay scientists with $50 bills?

    They're always looking for Grant money.

  • What do you call someone who supports Hillary?

    Paid off.

  • What happens if you don't pay after an exorcism?

    You'll get repossessed!

  • Why did the seismologist not have to pay for the damage caused by the earthquake?

    It wasn't his fault.

  • What's the difference between a Lima Bean and a Chick Pea?

    I never payed a hundred bucks to have a Lima Bean on my face.

  • Why do Canadians not pay attention to their local wildlife?

    Because there's nothing to care-aboot. (caribou)

  • How do you get a Canadian to pay you back?

    You ask.

  • How much do pirates pay for earrings?

    Somewhere around a buck an ear.

  • How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

    Three. One to pay a Mexican to do it, two to deport him afterwards.

  • Why do we have to sit at red lights if nobody's coming the other way?

    We don't have to pay our taxes if nobody's checking, right

  • Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?

    Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.

  • What do they use to pay for things in the Vatican?


  • Which side is it best to lie on?

    she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.

  • How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

    a buck an ear

  • Why did the farmer's wife got angry at him for paying too much attention to his equipment?

    He kept looking at his hoes.

  • What do you call it when someone gets hit by a bus on his way to pay off his student loans?

    Crippling debt! It's funny because he can't walk anymore!

  • How to get a liberal arts graduate off of your porch?

    Pay him for the pizza

  • How much money does the Government pay people with autistic disorder?

    Enough to buy a computer that can play League of Legends.

  • How do you make a horomone?

    You don't pay her. (My mom is sick. Hilarious. But sick. )

  • How are women and computers the same?

    Neither take your 3.5 inch floppy anymore.. unless you pay extra.

  • What do you call a gigolo you don't pay?

    A Free Willy.

  • Why'd the chicken cross The Road?

    Because he wasn't paid the money he deserved.

  • Why don't black people pay rent?

    Because jail is free.

  • What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

    I wouldn't pay 50 to have a lentil on my face...

  • What Hillary's word for a bribe?

    Pay her and she'll speak to you about it.

  • How much does a pirate pay for corn?

    A Buck-An-Ear

  • What is school like?

    It's terrible, we have to do all the work, but the teachers get paid.

  • Why couldn't the skeleton pay his bus fare?

    Because he was skint.

  • Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning?

    Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.

  • How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?

    On a piece rate.

  • Why did she get entry to the pub without paying a single penny?

    Cause she being she, wasn't even worth a penny. (/hehheh)

  • Why couldn't Bach pay for his dinner?

    Because he was Baroque.

  • What would you do if a bull charged you?

    Mary: I'd pay whatever it charged.

  • How Do You Start a Flood?

    An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

  • What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?

    The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

  • Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes?

    There was a sin tax error. 8.5

  • What's the difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas?

    I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.

  • What did you do today?

    Mum: Well, the builders that moved the garage came over and I paid them for their work done.

  • How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School?

    Just planning ahead...

  • Why do vultures hate flying?

    Because they have to pay extra for Carrion! Budum tsssss

  • Why did the janitor take early retirement?

    Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.

  • How much does a moil get paid?

    A: Fifty dollars and a tip.

  • How do aliens pay for their coffees?

    With Starbucks!

  • What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill?

    A: They stop delivering.

  • Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?

    Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

  • How do you pay a quiz master?

    with finances.

  • What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?

    We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

  • How many Swiss does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. We pay a German to do it.

  • What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition?

    Financial Ayyyyyyd I'll

  • Why didn't the pig have to pay for drinks on the cruise?

    A: It was all-oink-lusive.

  • What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit?

    Johnny Cash.

  • What's the difference between Christianity and Judaism?

    Christians pay for their sins

  • What do women and parking spots have in common?

    All the good ones are already taken, and the available ones are either pay or handicapped.

  • What is the difference between lightning and electricity?

    Teacher: What is the difference between lightning and electricity? Alexander: I know you do not have to pay for lightning.

  • What's the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?

    I've never paid to have a lima bean on my chest.

  • Why couldn't Christopher Reeve pay his landlord?

    Back rent.

  • How does Amazon Mexico pay its employees?

    In Jeff Pesos.

  • How do you pay a bartender?

    With bar tender.

  • Why do people at work always laugh at my jokes?

    Because they're paid to.

  • How much did the Cubs pay the devil to win the World Series?


  • What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato?

    You would pay to have a potato on you...

  • What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

    I've never paid a garbanzo to bean on my face.

  • What is the difference between a Lannister and a Greek?

    A Greek never pays his debts.

  • Why couldn't Diablo get his bros out of jail?

    He couldn't pay for Baal

  • How much do pirates pay to get an earring?

    A Buccaneer.

  • Why Do Kids In High school Take Art?

    You don't have to pay for the glue to sniff...

  • How much did King Kong get paid for his latest movie?

    A gorillian dollars

  • What is the difference between a Garbanzo bean and a Chickpea?

    I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

  • Why Do Elephants Have Big Ears?

    Because Noddy won't pay the ransom!

  • How did the hermit pay for his home?

    A: Alone.

  • Why are drug addicts bad at billiards?

    Because they only pay to shoot up the eight ball

  • How do you get an art major off your front porch?

    Pay for the pizza!

  • How do you get a drummer off your doorstep?

    You pay for the pizza.

  • What do you get when someone refuses to pay the bills?

    A Greek.

  • What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?

    Mortgage freeman.

  • How do you get someone to pay child support?


  • What does a limo driver and a hairy stripper have in common?

    They both get paid to chauffeur. (show fur)

  • What do cops and sports photographers have in common?

    They get paid to shoot black men.

  • Why do women live longer than men?

    Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

  • How do attractive men pay for things?

    They handsome money to the cashier

  • How are you going to pay for that?

    Oh, just put it on my bill."

  • Why did the woman refuse to pay for her Brazilian waxing?

    A: Because it was a total rip-off.

  • How much do pirates pay for their earrings?

    About a buccaneer!

  • What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls?

    Parker gets paid for his selfies.

  • What's the difference between a fraternity and a gang?

    Gangs don't have to pay for friends.

  • Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

    A prism.

  • Why should you be sure to pay your exorcist on time?

    You wouldn't want to get repossessed!

  • Where were you on Friday?

    Me: It was a holiday. Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY! Me: It is if you go as Christmas. Boss:...

  • What's your five-year goal?

    Me: Paid administrative leave.

  • What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people?

    Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.

  • What's the difference between a crackhead and a John?

    A crackhead buys crack so he can put it into his pipe and burn it. A John pays so that he can put his pipe into a crack that might burn him.

  • Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you?

    Because he doesn't know the time of day.

  • Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice?

    Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.

  • How many of my parents does it take to mow the lawn?

    None. They pay me to do it.

  • What kind of tea do you pay an arm and a leg for?