People Jokes

  • Why don't blind people go sky diving?

    It freaks out the dogs!

  • When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog?

    What a creep.

  • How do you get people to pirate an album?

    Release it on TIDAL

  • What do you call someone who pushes people down stairs?

    A stairorist.

  • What do people in Arkansas do for Halloween?

    Pump kin.

  • What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?

    People from Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do

  • What happened when fire and the wheel were invented?

    People got lit and turnt.

  • What do you call people who immigrate to Sweden?

    Artificial Swedeners

  • Why did people make white chocolate?

    So black kids could get dirty faces too.

  • Why did the band Wham! break up?

    Because he didn't wake him up before he went went. It's , people.

  • What Do People Have In Common With Jellybeans?

    Nobody likes the black ones.

  • Why don't people from Yorkshire use deodorant?

    Because they have no pits.

  • Why is it easy to talk to people who earn little pay?

    Because they make cents!

  • Why do people hesitate before registering as an organ donor?

    It takes guts.

  • Why are people still using a dictionary?

    I just type the words into Google and see if it corrects me.

  • What's the best part about having a blind partner?

    You know they won't be seeing other people.

  • Why are people leaving the Ukraine?

    I don't know but they sure are Russian.

  • How many people can ride on a bird?


  • What do people and trees have in common?

    They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

  • How many people from Quebec does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    One: He holds the bulb and the rest of Canada revolves around him.

  • Why do so many people in the South get married?

    Free shotgun

  • What is JPA? Joke point average. Where do people with high JPAs go to?


  • What is the preferred drink for people in St. Cloud?

    Mini Soda

  • Where do people with one leg work at?

    and what are the employees names?

  • What do you call an organized group of people waiting to get drinks?


  • What did one ghost say to another?

    I'm sorry but I just don't believe in people.

  • What did one ghost say to another ghost?

    Do you believe in people "

  • How do you say goodbye to two people in Spanish?


  • Why would people always stand still to hide from Martin Luther King Jr.?

    His vision was based on movements.

  • What do people with aspergers Do in the bathroom?

    They take an aspie

  • How are people from Kentucky like flour?

    They're inbred.

  • How does a Confederate flag and a rainbow flag differ?

    The latter represents people that win.

  • Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?

    Because people kept toasting him!

  • What's the one public place that most people still support the separation of Colors and Whites?

    The laundromat.

  • How many people does it take to screw a lightbulb?

    Just one guy with a really weird fetish.

  • What exactly is that?

    Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

  • What does Apu say when people leave him to browse reddit?

    Thank you, Karma gain

  • Why do people keep building so many new mausoleums?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • Why are the people of Saudi Arabia always behind the times?

    Because they live under Iraq.

  • Why don't people tell Jim Jones jokes?

    The punchline is too long.

  • Why do people point at their wrist when asking for the time?

    Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

  • Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?

    It reads "Small medium at large."

  • Why did so many people support the colonist protest of tea?

    Cause everyone wanted'a "boo" tea!

  • How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights.

  • What does an EA-18 and Bob Marley have in common?

    They both are jamming people.

  • What do you call a water gun that gets people really excited?

    A super stoaker

  • How much money does the Government pay people with autistic disorder?

    Enough to buy a computer that can play League of Legends.

  • What's so cool about cemeteries?

    I don't get it. People are dying to get in them.

  • What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

    An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

  • Why do they put fences around graveyards?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • Why are people afraid to play poker in Africa?

    Too many Cheetahs.

  • How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff?

    Straight jack it.

  • Why are constipated people so rude?

    They don't give a crap

  • What do people hate about CEOs of big internet companies?

    They act too paowerful

  • Why does the graveyard have fences?

    Because people were dying to get in!

  • What do you call people who worship paper bags?

    Sack religious

  • When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?

    is unwise, apparently.

  • How do you annoy people on Reddit?


  • Why is it hard to hold a speech at a nudist convention?

    It does not help to imagine people in their underwear.

  • Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?

    Church " "K let's make 'em like that" -- funeral home designers

  • Why are birthday's good for you?

    Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!

  • Why do people with OCD like Family Feud?

    Because it's always black and white.

  • What would people call Ryan Lochte if he went to jail?

    Ryan Locht-up

  • Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door?

    And what is the person inside to say "who is it "

  • What is the difference between a sociopath and a buddhist?

    A sociopath sees people as things a buddhist sees things as people.

  • Why do people with no arms have difficulty remembering?

    Because they can't put their finger on it.

  • Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween?

    Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.

  • What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control?


  • What do a prison and a concentration camp have in common?

    What do a prison and a concentration camp have in common? In both people don't feel like showering.

  • What did the cannibal do to the people he didn't like?

    He drowned them in the morning.

  • What do onions and people have in common?

    I weep uncontrollably when I cut them.

  • Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go to?

    A: Heck

  • Who is the best Podracer in Star Wars?

    Michael Chewbacca EDIT: Some people don't get the joke..... Michael schumacher is a F1 race car driving legend.

  • Why do most people from Russia wear track suits?

    Because they are Russin'

  • How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Just two, but they'd have to be really small.

  • How did the zebra get its stripes?

    Not many people know this, but zebras arent actually born with stripes. There is actually an entire industry of people called zebra painters who go around painting black stripes on zebras. This is done so zebras arent confused with albino donkeys.

  • Why do people regard the middle east as the holy land?

    Because they're constantly drilling for oil.

  • What if we gave people enough for three fries?

    guy who invented ketchup packets

  • Where do people with one leg work?


  • What's the difference between a blonde and McDonald's?

    A: A blonde serves more people in a night.

  • What type of currency do people use in outer space?


  • How can you tell two people are married?

    Both are yelling at the same kid.

  • Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs?

    It's a baby, not a stash of heroin.

  • What do you call a group of people who share bathroom facilities?

    A: party poopers

  • What do you call a bunch of people buying non-brand name ice skates?

    Cheapskates getting cheap skates

  • How are crayons like people?

    The white ones are usually pretty pointless

  • Why won't Hillary ever pull out?

    She's never finished screwing people.

  • How many didn't?

    Ten. (Shame this one doesn't work too well for reddit - the funniest part of this joke is the third punchline enjoying people struggle to understand what the hell you're talking about.)

  • Why do people admire pirates so much?

    They have nerves of steal.

  • Why are all those people running?

    A: Why are all those people running B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup B: The person who wins. A: Then why are all the others running

  • Why do people hate playing uno with Mexicans?

    They keep stealing green cards.

  • What do you call a group of people addicted to Japanese drugs?

    We abuse

  • Why is mild cheddar even a thing?

    Who are these people who can't handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market

  • Why do people say its not you... it's me in a breakup?

    Yeah it's YOU, you're an idiot! I'm amazing... ask your brother!

  • What do you do to relax?

    I enjoy people watching. - The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower. - I know.

  • Why is it so difficult for people with breast cancer to remember things?

    They have bad mammaries.

  • What's math?

    people who give 110%

  • How do cats speak to people?

    They commeownicate.

  • What do you calll a woman that people sit on ?

    Cher !

  • Where do people in Detroit get their groceries?

    They don't.

  • How many people work in the Lada factory?

    Two. One to cut and one to glue

  • Where do people go for pasta related crimes?

    A PENNEtentiary!

  • Why did people stop printing stamps with photo of Pamela Anderson?

    Banta: Because people started licking the wrong side of it for pasting them on the envelopes..

  • What type of people do vampires like?

    Type O positive people.

  • Why are there walls around a cemetery?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • Why aren't people from the Westboro Baptist Church archaeologists?

    Because they are phobes.

  • Why don't we tell the people that every snowflake is unique?

    It's not like they'll ever really check "Let's do it"

  • Who were the first people not to read the apple ToC?

    Adam and Eve

  • How do people at rodeos heckle the riders?


  • What did people call Putin after he lost an arm?


  • Why were people in the Twin Towers so upset?

    They ordered pepperoni but all they got was plane

  • Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

    Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe

  • Why do people say "get well soon"?

    Why don't you want me to get well now

  • How many people do you have to kick out of their houses to have a World Cup?


  • What should you do when people talk behind your back?


  • Why do people who drink milk struggle to walk?

    Because they lactose.

  • Why don't people like talking about herpes?

    It's a sore subject.

  • What do you call it when people line up well?

    High queue-ality.

  • Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name?

    Worst. Spy. Ever.

  • What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla?

    People actually care if a gorilla dies.

  • What do terrorists and the American government have in common?

    They both blow up people who don't agree with them.

  • Why do so many people listen to Taylor Swift songs after a breakup?

    Because they were tailor made for it.

  • Why don't people get married in North Korea?

    Well, all marriages are legal in North Korea, but no one has them because there's no rice to throw.

  • Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

    Regular rocks are too heavy.

  • What if it all goes wrong and they clone millions of John Lennons?

    Imagine all the people..

  • What do the people of Skyrim use to exercise?

    A Nordic Track.

  • Why do prescription pills always say "by mouth?

    Where else would people put th... Ooooooh.

  • Why the headlight?

    Are people vacuuming in the dark or riding them on the freeway & I just havent seen

  • What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands?

    A pocket watch.

  • How many people live in the lower part of Italy?

    There are literally Sicilians.

  • Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?

    but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!

  • Why do people always ask me for directions?

    I have no clue where I am going. I am sure i have sent 100's of people into the ocean.

  • What do people with an extra chromosome wash their clothes with?


  • What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?

    A: Women!

  • Why don't dead people sneeze?

    Because they're too busy coffin.

  • What do some people have against cheeseburgers?

    They say 'Burgers can't be cheesy!'

  • What is the real reason leaves fall to the ground?

    They know people will blow them.

  • What do you call someone who walks into a building full of people?

    A cannibal.

  • Which group of people are the best at jazz?

    The Saxons!

  • Why people don't use #YOLO anymore?

    Because they lived once

  • What did the cannibal say to his co-worker?

    You should stop by later. The missus and I are having people for dinner.

  • What do maimed people drink at 5PM?

    An amputea

  • What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

    The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

  • Why are people so worried about Hurricane Matthew's wind speeds?

    I thought CAT4 was capped at 16Mbps.

  • How many livers do people have?

    I want to make sure I have a backup before I put this thing on Ebay.

  • Why couldn't people find Joseph?

    He was Haydn!

  • What do disabled people get when there's a fire in the building?

    Left behind

  • What kind of dog do IT people prefer?

    A Dobie

  • Why do people take acid at raves?

    Because there's so much base.

  • What people travel the most?


  • What is the definition of stalking?

    When two people takes a long, romantic walk on the beach, but only one of them knows about it

  • Why are people so sad in Ferguson?

    Because they live in misery

  • What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

    People in Dubai don't watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.

  • What sort of aircraft does the Asian pilot who loves to greet people fly?

    A herrocopter

  • What do you call a wizard that puts people to sleep?


  • What's the difference between reddit gold and the Greek drachma?

    People usually thank you for giving them reddit gold.

  • How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Just two. It only requires that either the people are very small or the light bulb is very large.

  • How did the lame person feel when he was teased by people?

    He couldn't stand it.

  • What's it like to work in customer service/retail?

    Imagine there's a race of people called customers. Now imagine you're a huge racist.

  • Why were the people in the Twin Towers disappointed on 9/11?

    They ordered 2 pepperoni pizzas, but all they got were 2 large plains.

  • Why did Einstein refuse to help people fix their cars?

    Because his colleagues would call him the Quantum Mechanic.

  • What did one toilet roll say to another toilet roll?

    People keep ripping me off.

  • Why did people hate going on road trips with Kurt Cobain?

    Because he always called shotgun

  • Why are the mountains in Switzerland called "the Alps"?

    Because when people fall off of 'em, they yell AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLPPPP!!!!!!!!

  • Why was the army recruiter in the nursery?

    To find more people for the infantry! I'm sorry.

  • Why do you think people hate us so much?

    Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."

  • Why don't black people like tylenol?

    Because its white and it works.

  • Which two regions have the most people named John?

    SEA / NA

  • How do people with Mesothelioma live their lives?

    Asbestos they can.

  • Why do people say children are the future?

    They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.

  • Who is this "one"?

    And why is he always arguing with people?

  • Who names hurricanes?

    Are people actually supposed to be intimidated by something named Sandy

  • Why are British anti-smoking PSA's often made by homophobes?

    Because they want to prevent people from bumming fags

  • What do you call people waiting in line for Vietnamese soup?

    Pho queue.

  • How many people in Brazil shave?

    A Brazilian.

  • What country has the most people?

    Brazil... They've got Brazillions

  • What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?


  • Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?

    The can't handle stares.

  • Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?

    Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves

  • Why do people love working at yogurt factories?

    Because of the culture!

  • What's the one thing pacifism and Hinduism have in common?

    Those who practice them don't want any beef with people.

  • Why don't people name their kids 'Napoleon'?

    It's too complex

  • What's the difference between bullets and people?

    People miss Harambe

  • What really ticks people off?

    Time bombs.

  • What did the man in the "Race for a Cure" say to the three people beside him?

    we're walking four abreast."

  • What do mosquitoes think of people who wear bug spray?

    They are just OFF-full

  • Why do people in wheelchairs wear shoes?

    Do they think they're gonna magically start walking

  • How do depressed people play the violin?

    With a razor and their wrist.

  • What job pays you to shoot people but not harm them?

    A photographer.

  • What do you call a large group of people who spit on others?

    The Salivation Army.

  • What does Chick-fil-A and their CEO have in common?

    Both hate when people stick beef between two buns.

  • Why do you need to take notes during jokes?

    Joke was supposed to be this: Why do you need to take notes during church? because the peoples of noah's day, "took no note".

  • Why can't Arabs manage the scoreboards at ball games?

    Because people get nervous when Mohammad starts counting down from 10.

  • Why are there fences around a graveyard?

    Because people are dying to get in!

  • Why do they put fences around cemeteries?

    People are dying to get in.

  • How do people with leukemia know they have cancer?

    They can feel it in their bones.

  • When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?

    I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"

  • Why don't cannibals have dogs?

    Because you're not supposed to feed them people food.

  • Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?

    To remind them why there's no money in it

  • How many redditors are needed to screw a lightbulb?

    As much people as is needed to screw that lightbulb.

  • Why do you want to be a librarian?

    Me: "I like telling people to be quiet."

  • Why do people get divorced in the holiday season?

    Because they Marry Christmas!

  • Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?

    Because it's too cold out tide.

  • When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone's numbers again, I text them: "Guess who?

    for 2 weeks.

  • Why are you letting people touch your new born?

    I don't let people touch my new iPhone

  • When do ghosts have to stop scaring people?

    When they lose their haunting licenses.

  • Why do people with heart disease always lose at poker?

    They have to take ACE inhibitors.

  • Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?

    Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise Oh, right, *of course* !"

  • Why do people say amen instead of awomen at church?

    Because they sing hymns, not hers.

  • What do you call a pirate that pees on other people?

    Rrrrrrrrrrrr Kelly

  • Why are emo people so good at ping-pong?

    Because they are well practiced in cutting.

  • Why does rain make people sad?

    Because they're in a depression.

  • Which number confuses people?


  • How do you greet people at a funeral?

    Mourning, everybody!

  • What kind of shampoo do people with Down Syndrome use?

    Tresemme 21

  • What do people wear when they go to a new planet?

    Terraformal wear.

  • Why are people so creeped out by the guy in the unicorn mask?

    Because he's always horny.

  • Why did people use insulation containing deadly toxins?

    It was asbestos they could do at the time!

  • What do you call a theme park where people go to have selfies with chickens?

    Pout-ry farm..

  • Why did the cannibal live on his own?

    He was fed up with other people.

  • Why do people at Disneyland hate coke heads?

    They're always cutting lines

  • What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?

    Some people actually believe santa exist.

  • What do you call a president who interrupts people?

    Donald Tr- WRONG!

  • Why do they allow people in wheelchairs to bring carry-ons onto a plane?

    Aren't they themselves a carry-on?

  • What's the difference between Superman and Super Delegate?

    The first one saves people from criminals, while the latter saves criminals from the people.

  • What did King Midas say to get peoples attention?

    Eh you!!

  • What musical instrument do people with STDs play?

    The herpsichord.

  • Why don't people like to play uno with Mexicans?

    Because they always steal the green cards....

  • What do you call people who use the pull-out method?

    Mom and Dad.

  • Why cant people with no feet drink milk?

    Because they are lack toes intolorent.

  • What do you call a guy who refuses to serve people from Finland at his bar?

    A man with unfinnished buisness.

  • What do you call people who use the pull out method?


  • What did one ghost say to the other?

    Do you believe in people

  • What is literally the most important fact you'll ever learn, that will totally blow your mind?

    That people exaggerate.

  • How many people does it take to start a riot?


  • What really makes Whinny the Pooh angry?

    When other people put two fingers in his honey.

  • What do people and jellybean have in common?

    No one likes the black ones

  • What is it called when you ride around on a horse asking people questions?

    A gallop poll.

  • What do people call their grandmother in India?


  • What is the difference between a philanthropist and Nicki Minaj?

    A philanthropist likes to impress people with his larg**esse**! :-P

  • What do you call someone who hates people without toes and can't have ice cream?

    Lack-toes intolerant

  • Why are people without converse shoes dangerous?

    Because they own none chucks.

  • What do people call Mozart and Beethoven after they died?


  • What's the difference between U-Haul and Youtube?

    People are'nt happy for you when you get loads of hits on your U-Haul.

  • How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

    One, and ten people to stand around clapping and saying "Aww, how brave."

  • What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

    People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.

  • Why are sinks depressed?

    People look down on them.

  • How many people from the future does it take to change a light bulb?

    The lightbulb works fine...

  • What do nine out of ten people enjoy?

    A gangbang.

  • What's with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it?

    Who are these iron-mouthed warriors

  • What do people with memory loss and posters on r/jokes have in common?

    They both say the same jokes over and over again.

  • What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

    Outlaws are wanted people

  • Why do people procrastinate?

    I'll tell you later.

  • What did you like best about your last job?

    Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."

  • How do people in Iowa get elections?

    By watching corn!

  • What do you call the 12 step program for people who talk too much?

    On and on anon.

  • Why do people smile in Africa?

    So they won't run into each other in the dark.

  • What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them?

    The lanlord!

  • What's with people thinking white people shoot up schools?

    I'm white and I have only shot up like 2 schools.

  • Why aren't people afraid to submit reposts?

    Because there's no karma involved.

  • How can people get engaged after dating less than a year?

    You haven't seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker

  • Why are people into Flat Earth Theory?

    Because it's edgy.

  • Why do people who smoke weed take geology?

    Because they're STONERS!

  • Why are TV's attracted to people?

    Because we turn them on. / /

  • How do people with acid reflux complain?

    errr mer GERD

  • How did people charge their phones before electricity?

    They didn't...!

  • Why did Frosty drop his pants?

    Because he's a pervert that likes showing people his snowballs.

  • What is the main reason people are voting for Brexit?

    When asked if they want to be economically joined with Greece, all they can say is "eeeeuuuuuuu"

  • Why do people leave letters at the football ground ?

    They want to catch the last goal-post !

  • Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

    When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.

  • What's the difference between rock and jazz?

    Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

  • Why is Russia a very fast country ?

    Because the people are always Russian !

  • Why do they have fences around cemetaries?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • Why does light travel faster than sound?

    Because some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  • What is the preferred coffee drink of people with alzheimer's?

    The Iforgotto

  • Why was the manipulative ghost so unsuccessful?

    People could see right through him.

  • What did Christian Grey say when he read reviews of his movie?

    People did not like my movie. I guess I am 50 shades of letdown... But I can sure GET UP"!

  • What's the deal with reddit being obsessed about puns?

    I've never... META ... group of people so obsessed with puns before.. Fine, I'll leave :(:(

  • What did Cesar say when the people of Rome wanted to re-empower the Tribune?

    Oh, Plebes.

  • What would people call an old John Cena?

    John Senile

  • Why don't you people see how racist Pokemon Go is?

    All of my friends are now talking about how they have to catch Amal.

  • What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months?

    A: An Apple turnover.

  • Why do people say "Be there or be square"?

    Because if you're not there, then you're not around.

  • Why are organ donations low ?

    Because most people have pianos

  • What do people do in Greece?

    Slip and slide around.

  • What did the people say about the eccentric poo?

    It was a little nutty.

  • What did the people call the bad hot dog stand?

    The WURST!

  • How many nuclear war survivors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None. People who glow in the dark don't need lightbulbs.

  • What do anime ghosts say to scare people?


  • What did he tell people in order to make them avoid taking it?

    Eschew! Eschew!

  • What's the deal with black people?

    They're not black, and they're not people!

  • Why do people like r/citrus?

    It's sublime

  • What do you call people pretending to be a ball?

    roll playing im sry

  • Why did the tennis player get her radio taken away?

    People said she was making too much of a racket.

  • How many people does it take to make a joke on /r/Jokes?

    Three. One to post it, one to make a better punchline in the comments, and one to repost it the next day.

  • Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?

    Just the people who were in charge of that decision.

  • What is the difference between the people in Dubai &?

    the people in Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi Do!

  • How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb?

    Do you have a ticket for that?

  • How do you win an election?

    By having people believe that you've won an election.

  • Why do people at work always laugh at my jokes?

    Because they're paid to.

  • What do you call a Mexican Standoff between two people?

    Juan vs. Juan

  • Why do people with the Flu stand in corners?

    Its always 90 Degrees

  • What do people with two left feet wear?

    Flip flips

  • How do you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

    One of them makes crack while the other just markets it.

  • Where do people have the curliest and blackest hair?

    In Africa.

  • Why is Facebook such a hit?

    It works on the principle that People are more interested in others life than their own'.

  • Why didn't George like driving through tunnels with people in his car?

    He didn't want to get carpool tunnel syndrome.

  • What happens to crude people?


  • How many people with Alzheimer's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    To get to the other side!

  • What do you call a grocery store for people with dementia?

    Question Mart.

  • What do you call a Chinaman that does everything given what other people do?


  • What is the difference between God and my love life?

    Some people think God is real.

  • Why didn't the mathematician want to go to the beach?

    He didn't want people to see his tan lines.

  • How many people from rio does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A Brazilian. Saw this joke elsewhere and thought i'd share it here.

  • Why do people call the deceased "late"?

    They aren't late.. They aren't coming.

  • How does Donald Drumpf change a lightbulb?

    He doesn't. He hires people with long fingers to do it for him.

  • How many people work at your company?

    About half of them.

  • Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ?

    It saves so much time.

  • Why did people back in the day not accept left handed people?

    Because it wasn't right. I'm sorry bye.

  • How many people at a Music Festival does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Zero, its already lit

  • How many people on a beach does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    depends on how many survivors there are. too soon.

  • Why do people shoot up schools?

    Because it increases the average IQ of the world. It's a public service.

  • Why people cry during the weddings?

    they are preparing for whats coming afterwards

  • Why were the people in the twin towers mad?

    Because they ordered pepperoni, but all they got was plane.

  • Why are cemeteries surrounded with walls?

    Because people are dying to get in there.

  • Why do people like bananas?

    Because they have appeal!

  • How is medusa like weed?

    She makes people stoned.

  • How do you please all the people?

    Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!

  • How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

    asking for a friend

  • Why were some people living in the 80s so healthy?

    Because they had good high jeans

  • What do people do for a party itinerary in the Jersey Shore?


  • What did one saggy t*t say to the other saggy t*t?

    If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

  • What do you call a group of people standing in the arctic circle?

    A Finnish line.

  • How do you describe people who tell "I see dead people" jokes?

    They have a sixth sense of humor

  • What's the difference between people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

    People from Dubai don't like the flinstones but people from Abu Dhabi Do

  • Why do you put a fence around a graveyard?

    Because people are dying to get in!

  • Why don't blind people like to skydive?

    Because it scares the dog.

  • How many people does it take to tell a joke on reddit?

    Two. One to post the joke and one to post a better punchline in the comments.

  • What do you call a group of people from Idaho?


  • What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?

    It's stalemate

  • How is Michael Jackson like the thousands of people outside times square on new years?

    Once the balls drop, They're no longer interested!

  • What does a 9 volt battery, and a pretty girls bumhole have in common?

    People tell you not to, but you're still going to put your tongue on it.

  • Why doesn't Connecticut have a name for it people?

    What I mean is that people from NY are New Yorkers, people from California are Californian, and coincidentally people from Colorado and Washington are Potheads.

  • Why does the news keep telling people the pilot was depressed?

    Does any of this really matter...

  • What was Camelot ?

    A place where people parked their camels !

  • What next?

    Damn. I guess we'll have talk to people in real life.

  • What gives a ghost the right to haunt people?

    A haunting license

  • Why do people keep buying velcro?

    It's such a ripoff.

  • Why would they add "twerk" to the dictionary?

    People that would use said word can't read.

  • How do people usually feel after touching an electric fence?


  • When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

    Yep, people are just dying to get in there

  • Why do people paint eggs for Easter?

    Bunnies squirm too much.

  • What's difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?

    People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones But people in Abu Dhabi Do!!

  • What is a double-wide salad?

    It's a salad for people who can't afford a house salad

  • Why are firetrucks red?

    You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always russian around.

  • Why are school shooters more likely to be white people?

    White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.

  • Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?

    Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.

  • What do people and pizza have in common?

    If they're black, they can't feed a family.

  • Why are all these people dead on the inside?

    Sir, this is a morgue."

  • What do you call an Egyptian doctor who works on peoples backs?

    A Cairopractor!

  • Why is Gordon Ramsey always so angry?

    Because people get all up in his grill.

  • Why do people like office parties AND this joke?

    The punch line.

  • Why am I here?

    Devil: You told people you'd say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times. Me: OK that's fair.

  • How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

    You ask them to pronounce unionize.

  • What does a BYU coed do when she notices people are drinking at a party?

    She puts her top back on and leaves.

  • Why are people not right in the head?

    Because on the left side of the brain there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left!

  • Why are people so impressed with voice control?

    Women have been around for 100,000 years

  • Why so down?

    Aquaman: People think I'm not a real superhero. I'm tired of being walked all over. *Jesus enters Aquaman: Dammit!

  • Why shouldn't happy people hang out with crustaceans?

    They get crabby! Badum tsss.

  • How many people from Chernobyl does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    None. They glow in the dark.

  • Why do mountains make people laugh?

    Because they're hill-areas!

  • Why is it so hard to help deaf people?

    Because they never listen.

  • What's the best thing about dark humor?

    People don't take it lightly.

  • What is it with people who text and drive?

    I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

  • What did people call the Nutty Professor before he became a professor?

    Mr. Peanut

  • Why do people always talk in absolutes?

    I would never do that. It's the worst.

  • Why do people say that Canadians always want to establish that they're Canadian?

    As a Canadian, this offends me.

  • Why do people buy expensive rims?

    they're investing in wheel estate.

  • Why do people love their smartphones so much?

    Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

  • Why do people say love is like chemistry?

    Because you can put it in someones drink

  • Why don't blind people skydive?

    It scares their dogs too much

  • How is evolution and a Union construction job similar?

    They take so long that some people don't believe they don't work.

  • Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's?

    A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter and they don't mind if you bring friends.

  • What did people start calling the medical school that allowed animals to study medicine?

    The hippocampus.

  • What does "IDK" mean?

    I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

  • What do two people with Parkinson's disease do when they meet for the first time?

    They shake hands.

  • What do you call a group of singing people floating around in the ocean?

    An acappellago

  • Why do people say "To be frank..." when they're about to be brutally honest?


  • How did the Mexican greet people in Hawaii?


  • What do people call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

    Kilometery Cyrus

  • What did the cannibal wipe with . . . . . . after he ate some people at the library?

    Pages from *Reader's Digest*

  • What do you call a mummy that hates other peoples cooking?

    Gordan Ramses

  • Why do some people think Python scripting is offensive?

    Because white space matters. hehee

  • What's the hardest part about being a Vegan who does Crossfit and owns a Rescue dog?

    Deciding which to tell people first.

  • Why are so many people in San Francisco homeless?

    They can't afford an apartment because they only make 50 grand per year.

  • How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil?

    A Brazillion!!!

  • Why don't blind people like skydiving?

    Scares their dogs.

  • What's black and smells like people?

    Black People

  • Why do people from Istanbul always swim?

    Because they're constant in a pool.

  • What do most people do when they see a python ?

    They re-coil !

  • Why can't some people help being born Chinese?

    Because there's nothing wong with it.

  • Why did Thor not invite many people to his brother's wedding?

    Because it was Low key

  • Why does repost always get to the top?

    Most people reddit before

  • What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

    Some people are against shooting guns.

  • What do you call a conversation between two people who are pooping?


  • What do people at the Genius Bar drink from?


  • What can a yakuza do for living when he doesn't want to hurt people?

    tattoo master

  • What do you call a room with no walls?

    A mushroom. Some people don't think that this is a joke. But it makes me rofl all over the place.

  • Why were some people not allowed in to the Poet College?

    Because they were bard.

  • Why did the witch keep turning people into Mickey Mouse?

    She was having Disney spells.

  • Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?

    pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

  • Why are people with celiac disease more likely to get into heaven?

    Because they reject setian.

  • Why do people buy fruit already cut up?

    There's only like 7 things in life easier than cutting up fruit and one of them is farting.

  • Why has the Malaysian Government banned Cheese Boards?

    Because people keep reporting they've found de brie.

  • What do you call a group of people in charge of renewable energy for a town?

    A solar panel.

  • How can you know that you are insecure about what other people think of your post?


  • Why were people angry wen the chiken crossed the rd?

    Cus he looked one way, then another way after.

  • How do you get people to quit smoking?

    Cut off their lips

  • Why are Astronauts seen as condescending?

    Because all they do is look down at people.

  • Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

    There was no atmosphere

  • Why are most Hotwheel cars Ford?

    So people can grow up getting used to pushing a Ford.

  • What do you call those people who follow musicians around and try to hang with them after the show?


  • Why don't people drink pig's milk?

    Because its a bit too sow...

  • What the heck?

    Who are those people up there "

  • How are rookie marathon runners like people with erectile dysfunction?

    There both just honestly happy to finish

  • What is the difference between Digg and Reddit?

    People can Voat.

  • Why do people make offensive jokes about inbreeding?

    It's retarded.

  • Why did SJWs call out Medusa?

    She kept objectifying people.

  • How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them?

    Like, did you ask him Because only one of us is screaming right now.

  • Why don't they have phone books in China?

    Because everyone uses the Internet to look up phone numbers or people don't have landlines anymore and cell phone numbers aren't listed in the phone book. Also people use social media to communicate and connect with people.

  • Why do they have fences around a cemetery?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • Why were the people in the World Trade Center mad on 9/11 ?

    Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and all they got was plane.

  • Why should transgender people get separate bathrooms?

    There's already handicapped stalls.

  • How do people in Nor Cal get around?

    Hella copters

  • What kind of people like Scottie's hair?

    Chubby 7th grade girls!

  • Why are people so sore about Russia taking the Crimea?

    I mean cry me a river river right

  • Why is there a fence around the graveyard?

    Because people are dying to get in!

  • How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

    One, and ten people to stand around clapping and saying "Aww, how brave."

  • What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

    Beekeepers. Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

  • Why do people dislike going to the dentist?

    Because he is boring.

  • Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola?

    The Cowboys Stadium. Because they can't catch anything there.

  • Why do people say half a dozen?

    Why can't they just say Six

  • Why are there fences around cemeteries?

    people are dying to get in.

  • Why do some people cough alot?

    Because they drink to much coughee.

  • How do you call people that are always squinting at you?


  • Why do the French always were white when pole vaulting?

    So people can see them surrender from afar. Edit: wrong form of the form "wear"

  • What's next - people marrying dogs?

    nervous glance at dog Dog: Frank, we've been over this. I like you as a friend

  • Why do inquisitive peppers annoy people?

    Because they get jalapeo business.

  • How many people does it take for Valve to change a light bulb?

    Two at most.

  • What do you call a Pirate who lost his anchor?

    can't anchor us" /bow.. this is as clever as i get, people.. so sorry.

  • How do people with injured hands commute to work?

    Carpool tunnels

  • Who do people hate and love but is really hot and goes to beach everyday?

    Sun of a beach

  • Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

    I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

  • Why pink camo?

    Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol

  • What do you call a people who serve in Thailand?

    Thai Fighters

  • Why do cemeteries have fences?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • What is the shortest, very funny joke you know?

    ITT: comments about my dink, and people who can't search

  • Why do people in tumblr like quantum computing?

    Because it's non binary

  • What do New York McDonald's employees and people who read Ulysses have in common?

    Liberal Arts Degrees.

  • Why don't people raid dodo nests anymore?

    Because their eggs stinked!

  • How many people from Brazil does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A Brazilian!

  • What state do most people live in?

    Denial. Myself included.

  • Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?

    Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.

  • Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road?

    Do they really think someone will take it Do you think I should wash it first

  • Why do feminists hate Medusa?

    She's always objectifying people.

  • Where do people in Ghana go to watch football?

    The Ghanarena

  • What would you like to Instagram?

    how waiters should greet people

  • How do people look at the internet?

    Me: How Him: With their google-y eyes

  • Why are stick people extinct?

    Because you can't rub two sticks together you get fire.

  • Why would anyone want to study the Earth and how it rotates?

    I guess that some people just want to see the world turn

  • What disease causes people to swear at the dinner table?

    Gilles de la gourmette

  • Whatcha watching?

    Me: Tiny Houses. 9: Wow it's tiny! Who's gonna live there Me: Two people. 9: Are they married Me: Not for long.

  • How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

    Is just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse....

  • How many people with OCD does it take to fix a lightbulb?

    Only one, but they have to turn it on and off 50 times before they're sure it's fixed.

  • Why did the feminist's bakery go out of business?

    She told people to stop patronizing her.

  • How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a monastery?


  • What's the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

    They both fear the wurst

  • Why did the terrorist cross the road?

    To send people to the other side.

  • What is the favorite vacation place for people with CFS?

    Mount Restmore.

  • Where did you get that gold watch Joe?

    Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it Joe: Three a policeman the owner of the watch and me!!

  • Why are there fences around graveyards/cemeteries?

    Because people are dying to get in!

  • What did the people who hung Jesus to the cross say?

    Nailed it

  • Why do people studying engineering get to already call themselves engineers?

    It is not like that anywhere else. It is not like people studying science claim that they are already scientists. Or people studying the arts say they are unemployed.

  • What do colorblind people say to the unexpected?

    Well that came out of the purple

  • What are the people from the country Lesbia called?


  • How do you make people lose faith in this sub?


  • Where do people with ADHD go?

    To concentration camps.

  • Why are clothes so expensive?

    I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.

  • Whats the month people get most drunk in?


  • What do people in florida do when their car breaks down?

    Build a house next to it.

  • Where do you put people with ADHD?

    A concentration camp

  • How do you know if something is art?

    People tell you."

  • What do you call people migrating to Sweden?

    Artificial Swedeners.

  • Why do people order espresso shots at Starbucks?

    Because it's black. Sorry.

  • Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

    Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

  • What is the strongest animal?

    A racehorse because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at once!

  • Why do so many people like hanging out with Mr. Mushroom?

    Because he's a Fungi!

  • What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

    People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

  • Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

    I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup " So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

  • What is it good for?

    Some people say "nothing", but my stock portfolio's looking promising.

  • What do you call people with big ears?

    Nothing, they might hear you

  • Why did the snail paint an S on the back of his car?

    So when he drove by people would say, "Hey, look at that S car go!"

  • What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?


  • Why are people always having their pizzas delivered?

    Just order them without liver."

  • What branch of government actually listens to the people?

    What branch of government actually listens to the people?

  • How do you get alot of people to check out your post?

    Tag it NSFW and repost it.

  • Why do Polish people keep empty bottles in their refrigerator?

    For people that don't want anything to drink

  • Why doesn't Gandalf dress as a pimp for Halloween?

    So people do not take him as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

  • Why don't people hang out with the mushroom?

    He isn't a fungi.

  • What do you call a guy who always phones people?


  • Why are there so many people in Ireland?

    Cos' they keep Dublin and Dublin and Dublin...

  • How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

    Lets go ride a bike!

  • Why do they build fences around graveyards?

    Because people are dying to get in

  • What do people say when Batman skips Church?

    Christian Bale

  • What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy?

    The sky's the limit for you".

  • Why are so many people obese these days?

    Because burgers are$.99 and salads are $4.99

  • Why did Microsoft name their new web browser "Edge"?

    Because people familiar with the U2 guitarist of the same name are already used to long delays.

  • What do people say when you win a game in Egypt?

    Game, *Set,* and match.

  • Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

    They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas

  • What type of people can you not stand?

    People in wheelchairs

  • Why do people think Henry the Sixth was a Norseman?

    Because he was a VI KING.

  • Why do people traveling east out of Sweden get a metal?

    Because they're crossing the Finnish line.

  • Why do people go to the gym again?

    Do they not know what a nap is

  • What do most people wear to court?


  • What kind of people are always in a damn hurry?


  • Why are some people so odd?

    Because they can't even.

  • Why are people at Star Wars conventions so happy?

    Because of the Endor-fans.

  • Why do people in wheelchairs have such low confidence?

    Because they never stand up for themselves.

  • Why did the snail draw an "S" on the side of his car?

    So that when he drove by people could say, "Look at that escargot!"

  • Why did the chiropractor have trouble waiting behind people?

    Because he didn't know what alignment. I hope this one cracks you up!

  • What's the difference between most people and planes?

    Most people miss the twin towers.

  • What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?

    A mist conception.

  • Why do people prefer shooting stars to vegetables?

    Because they're meteor

  • What do people store their fondest memories in?

    A nostaljar.

  • Why are blondes hurt by people's words?

    A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

  • What is the difference between a parrot saying "E equals M C squared" and most people saying it?


  • Why did Elvis' mom get mad when people called him "Elvis the pelvis"?

    Because he had a brother named Enos.

  • What brand should suicidal people clearly avoid?

    Nike. Their motto says just "Just do it".

  • Why do you never see people with disabilities in North Korea?

    You have been banned from .

  • Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

    Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

  • Why do people never see an Apple store getting robbed?

    It doesn't have windows.

  • What do people do when a chemist dies?

    They barium.

  • Why did the tumblrina quit being a teacher?

    It wasn't her job to educate people.

  • Where did people find out that Pluto was no longer a planet?

    The orbituaries.

  • What kind of people should you stay away from?

    Trees. They're quite shady.

  • Why do some people love their VW diesel cars?

    Well, it's the official car of the New England Patriots after all.

  • Why can't your jokes ever make NRA members laugh?

    Because jokes don't make people laugh, people make people laugh.

  • Why don't more people cook Armenian food?

    Because it can be very thyme-consuming.

  • Which his guide had proposed to climb. - Do people tumble down often here?

    No, the guide said, one time is usually enough.

  • What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

    The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!

  • What do the LGBT community and computers have in common?

    Most people over 50 are scared of them and think they are destroying the fabric of society!

  • What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes?

    A poultry-geist.

  • What do you call the people who make sandwiches at Subway?

    Sub humans.

  • Why are popcorn just like people?

    Everything is fine as long as they are white, it is when they turn black it starts to be a problem.

  • Why didn't the feminist shave her arm pits?

    Just kidding, just wanted to rile a few people up. But if you want to have a punchline contest, feel free.

  • Why should you avoid people dressed as celery?

    They could be stalking you!

  • When you say you don't feel good "Are you pregnant?

    people without kids "Do you have to poop " -people with kids

  • Why do onions have poor self-image?

    Because people cry when they get onions naked.

  • Why do some people like to date pessimists?

    All that salt must make them thirsty.

  • Who are the hamburgers favourite people?


  • How can you always be such a happy person?

    I never argue with people. - That's impossible! - You're right! That's impossible.

  • Why do so many people like Harry Potter?

    It's a charming story.

  • What do you call people who use the "pull out" method for contraception?


  • Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

    So people don't confuse them for feminists.

  • How many people from Cornwall does it take to change a lightbulb?

    They don't care, as long as they do it better than people from Devon.

  • What would you name someone who can predict when people sneeze?


  • What do you call people that you hate?

    Clouds, because once they are gone it's a beautiful day.

  • Why do people call memes "dank"?

    Because they release dopameme!

  • How many people with OCD does it take to change a light bulb?

    Seven. It *has* to be seven.

  • What do me an Kanye West have in common?

    When I rant as much as that people boo me too.

  • What did I tell you about telling the truth?

    5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.

  • Why do people carry umbrellas?

    Because umbrellas cant walk.

  • Why do people buy smart cars?

    Because opposites attract.

  • Why are people from Arkansas so good at Science?

    Because they use the Theory of Relativity to find a partner.

  • Why are people afraid to talk to black people?

    Their scared they'll say something nigative

  • What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship?

    All four people are happy.

  • What happened to the joke that insulted the mods?

    People laughed, because it was a good joke.

  • How do you stop an Ethiopian tank with a gun?

    Shoot the people pushing it.

  • How do you know a neighborhood is too ghetto to film in?

    If most people leave before shooting starts.

  • Why did the hotel manager refuse to rent his rooms out to people?

    He needed places to hide the bodies.

  • What's the difference between people on Reddit and dead people?

    Dead people had lives.

  • There are 10 types of people in this world...

    Those who understand binary and those who don't

  • Why are people in silicon valley better coders than others?

    Because of their proximity to the I'll let myself out..

  • Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated?

    Because he thought people were taking him for granite.

  • What do you like to do in your free time?

    Guy: I spy on people. Girl: Really I like to take long walks in the park and go to the movies with my friends. Guy: I know.

  • Why do the proms stop after high school?

    Just because I'm an adult now doesn't mean I don't still need to grind on people to Lil' Jon songs.

  • What's the difference between my face and my jokes?

    People laugh at my face.

  • What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

    Student: A teacher!

  • How many people does it take to screw in a light?

    Two, but I don't know how they'll fit inside the bulb

  • How do depressed people lighten' up?

    They drink bleach.

  • What is it called when a bunch of people, all under 5'2", go to a raging party?

    High wasted shorts!

  • Why aren't there any B batteries?

    Because people might think you have a stutter.

  • Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?

    Because other people took the bait.

  • Why couldn't the Sailor steal other peoples work?

    It was Pirated.

  • What do cats and people that submit jokes with the punchline "PLAGIARISM" have in common?


  • What do people in Prague call abortions?

    Canceled Czechs

  • Why do people call their weed the Koran?

    Because if your burn it, it gets you stoned

  • How do you make a pheromone?

    Let his people go!

  • Why do people find Anne Frank so attractive?

    Because she is smoking hot

  • What do you call someone pretending to nice to people just to get upvotes?

    karma chameleon

  • Why were the people in twin towers upset?

    They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane

  • Why are you picking up rocks?

    M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.

  • Why don't people tell Chemistry jokes?

    Because they never get a reaction.

  • Why do people wear sleeveless shirts?

    They like to express the right to bear arms.

  • Why do white people own so many pets?

    Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.

  • Why do people call Pokemon Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald the "teenage years" of Pokemon?

    Because they were super horny.

  • What were people doing during the last ice age?


  • Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in three years?

    I don't have 2020 vision.

  • Where do people go when they die?

    Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not 3: It's full of dead people.

  • What do you call people who play April Fool's jokes?


  • What's up with black people?

    They're not black... And they're not people.

  • Why do people tip cows?

    Their service isn't even that good.

  • Why don't people tell jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones?

    The punchline is too long.

  • What is a Cannibal?

    Someone who is fed up with people.

  • Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow?

    Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!

  • What's the most awkward aspect of bar-tending at an internet cafe?

    You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs.

  • Why the turnout at Michael Jackson's funeral?

    He touched a lot of people.

  • What will people say when Prince Charles dies?

    Long live the Queen.

  • Why don't black people like pirates?

    they pronounce everything with a hard "aargh"

  • What do you call a group of people from Portugal?


  • Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work?

    Well, it worked with the slaves.

  • Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?

    Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

  • How do you write an essay that blows people away?

    With lots of drafts

  • What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters?

    Hot dog!'

  • What's the most annoying thing in the internet?

    People who comment "repost" on a Joke subreddit.

  • What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day?


  • How do People in New Orleans have their beer?

    Watered Down

  • How many people with Alzheimer's did it take to change a lightbulb?

    To get to the other side.

  • Why were the people in the Twin Towers so upset about their pizza order?

    They ordered pepperoni but all they got was plane.

  • Who these days is hard "Is your person white?

    Excuse me " "Is your person white " "I don't see skin color I just see people"

  • Why do people say clean as a whistle?

    Whistles aren't clean, they're full of spit

  • How do you call a party with people who have epilepsy?

    Foam fest

  • What's the difference between a baby and a salad?

    Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.

  • What medication that can make people inspire you?

    Aspirin sorry guys

  • What are you people doing?

    making this crap up.

  • What is wrong with people?

    Have they never had pizza

  • Why did so many people show up to see the cannibal get cremated?

    His family advertised it as a barbecue.

  • Why did the communist Chinese government outlaw Viagra?

    They didn't want the people to have free elections.

  • How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?

    I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

  • What did the sardine call the submarine ?

    A can of people !

  • What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common?

    They're both old.

  • What happened to all the pokemon GO jokes?

    I guess people have made the "switch" to another fad.

  • Why do people carry around umbrellas?

    Because they can't carry themselves

  • Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich?

    It's not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.

  • What do you call a snowman who cons people?

    A snowfake I thought it was appropriate for this time of year. Merry Christmas reddit! You have my permission to tell this at any Xmas parties you attend

  • What do dark humour and food have in common?

    Only some people get it.

  • What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?


  • What do you call a drill on the North Pole that just wants to get to know people?

    An icebreaker

  • Why do cemeteries have fences around them?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • Why are people who vape always trying to chase after bigger clouds?

    More storage space.

  • Why did Oscar Pistorius shoot his girlfriend in the bathroom?

    Because he's one of the few people in World that couldn't kick down the door.

  • Why isn't there a straight pride parade?

    They tried that but people kept on thinking it was the checkout line at Home Depot.

  • How can you tell that you're getting old?

    You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

  • Whats the difference between a woman president and pizza?

    Most people like the idea of pizza better.

  • What do you call a group of people who hate Mexicans?

    Que Que Que

  • Who burns their own city down?

    The people of Ferguson.

  • Why do people consistently make bad chemistry jokes?

    Because all the good ones Argon.

  • What do you call people who hang out with musicians?


  • Why does Hillary keep bumping into people at the White House?

    So she can be pardoned.

  • What is the difference between a thief and a church bell?

    One steals from the people the other peals from the steeple.

  • Why are test tube manufacturers always single?

    People just seem to find them vial!

  • Why do people get addicted to meth?

    Because they didn't think of the aftermeth.

  • Why do people starve?

    When food tastes so good.

  • What's the difference between the people and bullets?

    The people miss Harambe.

  • Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans?

    So people can read her lips.

  • What have Disney and the U.K. got in common?

    Both dropped the EU And screwed over a lot of people

  • Why did the creepy hipster get arrested?

    because he was following people before instagram

  • What do you call something that makes fun of people and can fly?

    A mocking bird!

  • Why do black people have darker skin than other people?

    Because, similar to leaves fallen from a tree, black people are dead inside.

  • What do you call it when a book spies on people?

    A: A peeping tome.

  • Which people do the burgers hate?

    The ones who are always putting the bite on them!

  • Why do polish people all have ski at the end of their name?

    Why do polish people all have ski at the end of their name? Because they can't spell toboggan.

  • What's the most annoying thing on /r/jokes?

    People who post the joke intro twice.

  • Why won't people know when you replace words with instruments?

    Idk, accordion to research I guess.

  • Why should you never ask people with Down Syndrome to use a printer?

    They always make an extra copy

  • Why should you never hit people with violins?

    Because violins is not the answer...

  • What do people drink at Club Obi-Wan?

    Qui-Gon Gin.

  • What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?

    Gluten Tag And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread Flour power And when a lot of people do it at the same time a rye-ot

  • Why do people want attention of 1000 pies?

    because it's their sen-pais

  • How did people know Patrick Stewart was crying?

    Because he bawled.

  • Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden?

    Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we all lived twice

  • 99.9% of the people are dumb!

    Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1%

  • What's your answer?

    whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people

  • Why was the clown kicked out of the maths lesson?

    Because he kept throwing his pi in other peoples faces!

  • When people say 'oh, you're still single?

    I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married ' I'm popular.

  • How do epileptics greet people?

    They shake.

  • How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

    Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

  • What are people afraid of puns called?

    Homophonic I'm sorry...

  • Why do people live soda?

    Because it's sodalicious.

  • What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?

    To catch a predator. Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5? Because they can't even! Why do white people have so many pets? Because owning people is not legal anymore Would love to hear more white people-specific jokes :) They seem to be really rare.

  • What language do farsighted people speak?


  • Where do people from Laos like to swim?

    In Laotian.

  • What do you call a notebook where you record information about your poops?

    Some people may call it a log journal, while others call it a diary-a.

  • What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture... What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?

    Aurora boring Alice.

  • Why do some people dislike twitch chat?

    It's just not their Kappa tea

  • What do you call people who don't repost jokes?


  • What do you call people who use the pull out method as form of birth control?


  • Why is a bad government like a bikini?

    Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.

  • Why do people on acid listen to Dubstep?

    Because if they didn't drop the base it would be a neutral reaction and they wouldn't feel the psychedelic effects.

  • What do "white privilege" and "severely mentally handicapped" have in common?

    Both terms are almost universally misunderstood by the people to whom they apply.

  • What two things should people stop shaking because shaking hurts these things development?

    Polaroid Integral Film and Babies

  • What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

    They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

  • Why do people throw coins into foutains?

    Why do people throw coins into fountains? I don't know, doesn't make any cents.

  • What do people from West Virginia do on Halloween?


  • Why do people in Afghanistan air dry after they shower?

    Because of the towel ban

  • What do people who don't like the slippery slope argument call it?

    The slippery slope fallacy

  • How do people see so much on internet these days?

    They put on the Google!

  • Why do people post missing person posts on Facebook?

    Like we're going outside...

  • When people say "May I ask who's calling?

    I like to say "Sure, go ahead."

  • What is not a truck crashing into people?


  • How many people live in South America?

    A Brazilian.

  • Why aren't these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge?

    Don't they want to get better

  • Why did the stoplight turn red?

    Well, you would too, if you had to change in front of that many people!

  • How do the people of northern Iraq manage to get so much done?

    The Kurds have their ways