Pick Jokes
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What do you tell the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he picks up a miniature version of his weapons?
Those are the wrong Sais.
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What did the crop say to the Farmer?
Why are you picking on me?
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Why did the egg get a ticket from a lady police officer?
Because he was picking up good vibrations.
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What the difference between Bernie Sanders and a piece of fruit?
Pieces of fruit actually get picked for something.
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How many ska kids does it take to change a light bulb?
Three; one to drop the bulb and two to yell "pick it up pick it up!"
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What pick-up line works 100% of the time?
Does this smell like chloroform to you
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How do you pick up Mexican Girls?
Border Patrol.
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Why was the Bhut Jolokia picked to be the captain of the cheer squad?
Because it was the hottest pepper.
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What is the best thing about liquid soap?
It takes longer to pick up.
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What was the terrorist's pick up line?
hey babe, I've got a large pipe bomb and I never pre-maturely detonate."
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What is Antarctica's version of tinder called?
Pick up a penguin
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What's do Christians and politicians have in common?
They pick and choose what they want to believe.
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What did Bruce Willis say to motivate his son?
Son, if at first you don't succeed, Try Hard. If that doesn't work, Try Hard 2. If that still doesn't work, Try Hard with a Vengeance. Remember, you can't pick between the choice to Live Free or Try Hard. They go together. Everyday's A Good Day to Try Hard."
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What do you do when you drop your favorite ska record?
PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP!
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Why do Eskimos have wide noses?
Because they pick their nose with their gloves on.
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What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
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How do you confuse an irishman?
Lean 3 shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.
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What's the difference between a pick-up artist and an Atari 2600?
An Atari 2600 has more game. :)
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What did the elephant say to the naked guy?
That thing sure is cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
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Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
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How do you know a black woman is pregnant?
When she pulls out the tampon, the cotton's been picked clean.
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What is your funniest joke about the French?
Mine is this: How do you pick out the Frenchmen in a room full of naked soldiers? They're the ones with sunburned armpits.
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Why are ska bands so clean?
They always pick it up pick it up pick it up.
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How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away.
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What did the Italian chef say when his boss tried to pick a fight?
You wanna pizza me !
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
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Why dose the navy use liquid soap?
Because it takes longer to pick up.
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How does a elephant hide in the jungle?
2.What is the Loudest sound in the jungle 1.Paints its balls red and climbs up a apple tree. 2.Tarzan picking apples.
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What does it take for a soldier in uniform to pick up a girl?
a smile and wave!
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How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse ?
Try picking them up !
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What are you looking for buddy?
Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose:
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What defies the law of gravity?
Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
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Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan?
Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.
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What do you get if you cross a black person with an octopus?
I don't know but it would be excellent at picking cotton.
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Who picks it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.
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Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his little sister.
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What do you call a mushroom that picks up the bar tab?
A FUNGI to be with!
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How do you pick out the Christian Terrorist out of a crowd?
Find the guy wearing a rebel flag.
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Why are you picking up rocks?
M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.
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How do you pick up older Spanish women?
Hola Seniority
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What's the opposite of Adele?
Amac or BB-Mac (you pick which one's funnier)
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What do you call the offspring of a black man and an octopus?
I don't know but it sure can pick a lot of cotton.
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What do women and dog poop have in common?
The older they are the easier they are to pick up.
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How do you know a Black woman is pregnant ?
The cotton in her tampon is picked
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Why is it easier to pick a prime minister than any other leader?
Because there's only 2 factors involved.
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Why was the paleontologist angry?
Because he had a bone to pick.
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Why don't Mexicans blow their noses?
So that they have something to pick in the off-season.
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Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle?
To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.
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Why did the mother cat pick up her kittens?
She didn't want to litter
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Why do rappers love weed so much?
Because the majority of their relatives used to pick it
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What's your best pick up line?
Cocaine Edit:spelling
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What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster?
Sir.
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What do women and turds have in common?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
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What did the blind man say when he picked up a cheese grater?
This is the most violent story I've ever read!
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What is Tony Romo's favorite lottery game?
Pick Six
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How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't care. You pick
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How do you get a woman to pick cotton?
Set her tampon string on fire.
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What is the difference between pick and choose?
To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
Pick it! (Picket)
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How can you tell if a black woman is pregnant?
When she pulls the tampon out the cotton is already picked.
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How do you pick up women in Waco, Texas?
With a DustBuster.
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Why wouldn't the race car driver pick up the hitchhiker?
Because he didn't have enough vroom!
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What did Helen Keller say when she picked up a cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read..........
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What did the fisherman say to the street magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!
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Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
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What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
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Why do pills bottles have cotton in them?
So they can remind black people the picked cotton before they sold drugs.
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How do you pick up a feminist?
Like a bowling ball.
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Where does Ned Flanders pick up women?
On OkilyDokilyCupid
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What does the caller ID say?
Mom: It's a private caller. Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
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What was the bear's favourite pick-up line?
Hey baby, what's ursine?
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Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?
To lay off his campaign staff.
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What do you get when you combine a black guy and an octopus?
nobody knows actually but it will be perfect for picking cotton.
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How many rudeboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Twenty. 1 to drop it, 19 to go "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up".
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Why did they start using liquid soaps in prisons?
if you thought because you can't drop it, guess again) Because it takes longer to pick up.
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What is the past tense of 'think'?
So I thought and thought and thought and eventually I picked 'thinked'.
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How do you pick up a Muslim girl?
Piece by piece
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How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day?
Like what if you find a penny
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Why don't blacks like Tylenol?
They have to pick cotton to get to them.
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How can a black woman tell if she's pregnant?
When she takes out the tampon the cotton is already picked
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Why do crippled kids get picked on so much?
Because they can't stand up for themselves.
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What do you get if you cross a black man with an octopus?
I don't know, but it's damn good at picking cotton.
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How many pick-up artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero. They just keep praising and negging it, and then get upset when it doesn't screw.
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How do Chinese parents pick a name for their child?
Throw an aluminum pan down the stairs.
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Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Shows you it works then. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Monkeys picking cherries.
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Why did Johnny Bravo go to the pet store?
To pick up some chicks.
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Why didn't Mick Jagger pick Randy Moss up from the airport?
Because a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.
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Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake ?
Someone else's !
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How do you test for pregnancy in Harlem?
See if the tampon's cotton was picked.
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What did the black cat say to the fish ?
I've got a bone to pick with you !
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How the hell can ya be so stupid?
Jessie: Well it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.
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What's black and got ten arms?
I've got no idea, but it probably can pick cotton like hell.
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Where is the English Channel ?
Pupil: I don't know my TV doesn't pick it up
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How do you walk a dog with no legs?
You don't, you pick it up.
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How do Chinese pick a name for their newborn?
They kick a Can
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How do you call a dog with no legs ?
You don't call it, you pick it up.
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What does dog poo and women have in common ?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
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How about Epidural Anesthesia?
I was like, 'Thanks, but I already picked a name.
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Why couldn't the band director pick a piece in 4/4 time?
It's too common
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Which did you pick?
ME: I can't remember.
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Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?
It takes longer to pick up.
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What's the best thing about picking up a homeless chick?
It doesn't matter where you drop them off.
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How long is the movie?
I need to know what time to pick her up.
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What does a feminist pick up from the post office?
Their femail
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What do black birds pick?
CAAAAAAAH-tin...
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What is the mathematician's favorite pick-up line?
Hey baby, wanna see the exponential growth of my natural log?
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How do women defy the laws of physics?
The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!
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What did the muslim telemarketer say when he picked up the phone?
Halal?
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How did they name Canada?
They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.
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How can a man take an abortion pill?
He just picks one up and leaves.
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What do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus?
I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.
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How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to drop it and six to pick it up pick it up pick it up
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What do you get when cross a black man and a octopus?
I don't know but I'm sure he could pick the hell out of some cotton.
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What did the booger say to the finger?
Pick on someone your own size.
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How do you confuse a polish laborer?
Lay down three shovels and tell him to take his pick.
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Why could Don Juan always pick up girls in his car?
It was electric. Also, the car had a set of hands.
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What is bruce banners favourite kind of potato?
HULK'S MASH! no idea where she picked it up from, but it made me chuckle
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What kind of house is easiest to pick up?
A: A light house.
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How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana?
Try picking it up. If you can't it's either a monster or a giant banana.
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How would you describe your past work?
Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar -Change management.
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Where does a guy from Arkansas go to pick up girls?
Family reunions.
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Why is Cam Newton's house so dirty?
He doesn't pick up after himself.
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What's the best way to pick up a woman?
Like a sixpack
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Why couldn't Muhammad pick his wife up from childcare?
Because Muslim girls can't go to school
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Where is the English Channel?
Student: I don't know, my tv doesn't pick it up
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Why do golfers have the best chauffeurs?
Because they're good at picking their drivers.
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How do you pick up my ex girlfriend?
With a broom and a dustpan.
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Why did the elephant paint his balls green?
Answer: to hide in avocado trees.. How did Tarzan die? Answer: Picking avocados
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Whats your best "This is so bad that " joke?
For example, "this is so bad TBS just picked it up for 6 episodes."
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What did one archeologist say to the other archeologist when he screwed up?
I've got a bone to pick with you
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How do cannibals pick up women?
With a fork
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What's the difference between a van and a minivan?
A van picks up kids. A minivan picks up your kids
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How do you pick out the extroverted engineer?
He's the one staring at YOUR feet when he talks
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What do women and dog turds have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
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What's the difference between a cake and a school bus ?
Jill: I don't know. Janet: I'm glad I didn't send you to pick up my birthday cake !
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Where do beers go to pick up girls?
Ho Gardens
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How did Canada pick its name?
There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message. I know i need to work on my execution.
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How can a black woman tell if she is pregnant?
When she goes to pull out her tampon and all the cotton's been picked.
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How do you pick up a black guy?
With a noose.
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Where's the best place to pick up a girl who plays hard-to-get?
Around the ankles and wrists :D
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Why couldn't the whistleblower pick up his dry-cleaning?
Because he was Snowden! (Snowed in)
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Who is the richest person in the Bible?
The Pharao's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.
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Why do they use liquid soap in the Navy?
It takes longer to pick up
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How did Canada get its name?
They picked random letters out of a hat. C.... eh? N... eh? D....eh?
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What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish?
Pick up lines
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What's the difference between garbage and a girl from New Jersey?
Garbage gets picked up!
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How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.
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How does a black woman know that she's pregnant?
The baby starts picking cotton off her tampons. (aaannnd i'll see myself out)
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What if the lion's too close?
picking up tiny stool "we've thought of that"
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What did the pirate say to his kids when picking them up from school?
Get in the carrrrrrrrrrrr!
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How can you tell if you're racist?
You only pick out the K's when you take an eye exam.
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Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?
New Jersey picked first.
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What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low.
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How can you tell if a black women is pregnant?
Put a tampon in her, take it out and see if the cottons picked off.
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Why's it so hard to find marathon and triathlon reviews in Germany?
Well, you know what happened last time they picked a race...
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Which one is yours?
Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.
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Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window?
Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.
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Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges?
As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.
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What does a ghost pick out of his nose?
Boo-gers
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Why do sailors use liquid soap?
It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.
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What do women and dog-poop have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
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How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
Natural selection.
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What kind of car did J.J. Abrams send to pick up Harrison Ford for the new Star Wars premiere?
A Hyundai.
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What do you get when you mix an octopus with a black guy?
Idk but it sure as hell can pick cotton
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What do you get when you mix a Mexican with an octopus?
I dont know, but it sure as hell can pick apples.
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What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?
Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"
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How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?
Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
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What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
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What career choice to hippies usually pick?
Chemistry, because there is lots of acid involved.
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How does a black women tell she is pregnant?
When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.
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Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it's like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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Why was the moth so unpopular ?
He kept picking holes in everything !
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How does a black women know if she's pregnant?
All the cotton on her tampon has been picked off.
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What sort of an act do you do?
I bend over backwards and pick up a handkerchief with my teeth. Anything else Then I bend over backwards and pick up my teeth.
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What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans?
Plot Holders.
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What do John Mellencamp and Ashton Kutcher have in common?
They both picked up a Cougar and then thought better of it.
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Why did the prisoners switch to liquid soap in the shower?
Because it's harder to pick up.
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What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod!
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What's your favorite pick up line?
Mine is the Ford F Series.
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How's a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit it the more English it picks up!
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What is the best way to pick up American girls?
With a crane.
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Why does the corn hate the farmer?
Because he picks his ears!
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How do you pick Dolly Parton's Kids out of a crowd?
They're the ones with stretch marks around their lips.
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How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue. ba dum tss
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How is the American public now like Socrates?
By November, they will have both picked their poison.
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Why did the forgetful Mexican cross the road?
To get to the other side... err, no it was to pick up the laundry... nope, to get groceries? I forget.
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How do you know when a black woman is pregnant?
When you pull out her tampon and all the cotton is picked.
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Why was Juan late to the Mexican food party?
Because he had to pick up the Pace! (Pace salsa)
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What starts with the letter "M" and picks up metal?
Mexicans.
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Why did Clemson choose orange as its team color?
So they could play football on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up garbage the rest of the week.
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Where can you go to pick up black birds?
The crow bar
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Who picks up the tab?
The German.
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Why did black people pick so much cotton?
Because we told them to.
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Why did the cave hate miners?
They're always picking on him.
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Why are there separate book donation boxes for Nigeria, Ghana, AND Zambia outside the bookstore?
Am I supposed to pick my favorite
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What kind of dog is this?
Well actu.." "Hes cute" *pets it* "Sir thats my.." *picks it up* "Your a good dog arent you " "PUT MY SON DOWN"
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How did the blind carpenter regain his eyesight?
He picked up his hammer and saw.
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What did the elephant say to the man?
Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?
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What did the fisherman from Boston say to the magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!
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What is Weird Al Yankovic's favorite pick up line?
Hey, so are you familiar with my parodies? Yeah my PAIR O DEEZ NUTS!!!
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Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?
Because his number couldn't fit in their phones
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How can you tell a black lady is pregnant?
When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.
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What do get when a ghost picks his nose?
Boooooogers!
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How did Canada name their country?
They picked random letters from a hat. C, eh N, eh D, eh
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What u doing later?
Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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What's the best thing about Sweden?
I can't pick, but their flag is a huge plus.
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How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away.
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What, really?
I said. "Yes, they're coming to pick you up in an hour"
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Who's there ! Ammon ! Ammon who ?
Ammon old hand at picking locks !
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Why does New York have all the lawyers while New Jersey got all the garbage dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first
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What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!
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What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?
Help! My pocket's been picked!