Pig Jokes
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Why did the pig send his story to New York?
He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.
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Why do pigs run into trees?
To shake out the alligators. I've never seen an alligator In a tree. That's because the pigs do such a good job.
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What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog
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Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny?
Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.
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What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?
Swine flu
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How do pigs gets to hospital?
In a hambulance
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What's Pink and Hard???
A Pig with a Flip Knife.
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What do you do for a pig with sore muscles?
Rub him with oinkment.
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What do you call a pig with three eyes ?
Piiig
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What do you call a pig in a steel foundry?
A pig pig.
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What type of gun is used by a pig that is good with the ladies?
A smoothbore.
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When is a pig not quite a pig?
A: When it's oink-ognito.
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What do you call a pig with good table manners?
Sick.
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What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Lang Swine.
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Why did the pig wear yellow coveralls?
He split a seam in his blue ones.
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When pigs get a toothache who do they see?
Painless Porker.
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How does one turn a fox into a pig?
Marry her.
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What did the pig say on a hot summer day?
I'm bacon!
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Which of these jokes do the pigs like best?
The corniest ones.
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Where'd you get the pig"?
Woman: "How DARE you call my dog that!" Man: "I was talking to the dog!"
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Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?
In his hog cabin!
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Why couldn't the pig pay his bill?
He was a little shoat.
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What does a pig use to write his term papers with?
Pen and Oink!
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What does a chef call an undercover cop?
Pig in a blanket.
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Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean 4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks
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Why isn't there a Superpig?
It's too hard for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.
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What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York?
Pigpockets.
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Why can't you take a pig out on a date?
Because she will squeal on you.
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Why couldn't the pig run?
He pulled his hamstring!
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What is a pigs favourite ballet?
Swine Lake!
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What do you call a pig on the Beach?
Bay-Con
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Why did the pig quit running the the marathon?
He had a problem with his hamstring.
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What do you call a pig that losses its voice?
Disgruntled
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What did the pig say when the wolf grabbed her tail?
That's the end of me!"
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Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
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What does a pig write with?
A pig pen!
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Where do pigs park their cars?
In porking lots.
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What did the dog say to the pig?
You are such a bore."
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Where do flying pigs land?
the airpork!
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How did the pig get to the hospital?
in a hambulance.
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Why should you never take a pig out on a date?
She might squeal on you.
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What do you call a pig stuck in a topiary?
A hedgehog.
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What do you call a pig that has never been tested for an infection?
Uncultured swine.
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Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
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What do you call a pig who overacts?
A ham ham.
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What was the pig when he got laryngitis...?
He was dis-gruntled!
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How do pigs talk?
Swine language
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What age were pigs discovered in?
The Saus Age.
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Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig?
Pigs don't have red noses.
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What would happen if pigs went on strike?
They'd form pigget lines.
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Where the hell did you get?
the barkeep asks. "I won it, playing cards", says the pig.
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Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team?
Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.
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Why did the pig go to the casino ?
To play the slop machine !
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What did the pig say to the drunk man?
Licence and registration please.
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What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
Streaky bacon!
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Why won't pigs take up jogging?
They don't like to get that far from the table.
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What happened when pigs started flying?
Everyone got swine flu
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Why didn't the pig have to pay for drinks on the cruise?
A: It was all-oink-lusive.
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What's that Sarge?
Someone's building a pig."
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What do you get when you cross a pig with a ninja?
Pork Chop!
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Why did the pigs paint their hoofs green?
It was Saint Patrick's Day.
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What do you call an undercover cop?
A pig in a blanket.
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What's the difference between a girl's track team and a bunch of pigs?
One's a group of cunning runts...
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What do you call pigs in a demolition derby?
Crashing boars.
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Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day.
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What's the difference between a pig and a dwarf janitor?
One is messy, and the other is a little cleaner.
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How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?
No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.
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Why did the pig join the Army?
He heard the food was a mess.
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Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
He was a boar.
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What did the pig say when his brother rolled on him?
Heavy!"
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What happened when the pig ran into his ex?
there was a porkward silence
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What do you get when you cross a pig with an elephant?
A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
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Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
Because he felt like BACON!
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What do pigs like with chow mein?
Sooey sauce.
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What do you call a pig behind a car wheel?
A ham brake !
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What about breakfast teaches us the difference between "interested" and "committed"?
In a ham and egg sandwich, the chicken had an interest, but the pig is committed.
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Why do pigs like February 14th?
They get lots of Valenswines.
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What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig ?
A boar constrictor !
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What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
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Why did the pig go in the kitchen?
To start some bacon
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What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop!
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What do you end up with when your pig smokes pot?
Baked ham.
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What do you call a pig that took a plane?
Swine flu!
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What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
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What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough?
He ate it quickly before the others could ask him to share.
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Why do pigs love Halloween?
There's lots of hogsgobblin.
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Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
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What do you call a pig sitting on a hog?
Usually they prefer to be called "officer"
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What do you call a pig with the flu?
A swine swine.
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What do cops do at a buffet?
They pig out.
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What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone ?
A lot of crackling on the line !
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What did the farmer's daughter say when she lost her virginity?
Get off me dad you're crushing my smokes! Or "That'll do pig, that'll do." I have heard it both ways.
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What is the difference between a hog and a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.
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What kind of court order would be placed on a pig in order to prevent it from taking a specific course of action?
A: An inj-oink-tion.
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Why do pigs make good spies?
A: They're excellent at going in-hog-nito.
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How does a pig write home?
With a pig pen.
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What kind of furniture do pigs like best?
Overstuffed.
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What kind of trucks do pigs drive?
A pig up truck
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What do you say about a pig who acquires a lot of cash?
He's making bankon.
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Why aren't pigs invited to black tie events?
Haven't you ever seen pig's tie? It's filthy!
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What's a pigs favorite morning tv show ?
Morning Ham
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How did the pig get out of the tree?
The swine flu (joke my dad made up a couple years back during all this)
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What do you get when you cross a pig with a canary?
I don't know but when it sits on your electric wire and sings all your lights go out
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Why are there so many piggy banks?
Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.
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Why was the pig happy when reviewers criticized his story?
Because they called it garbage.
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Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden?
We're raising mashed potatoes.
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Why did the pig have ink all over his face?
Because it came out of the pen.
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What do you call an oversize motorcycle for pigs?
A hog hog.
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What was the pig doing in the kitchen?
Bacon! Get it?
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What do pigs do on nice afternoons?
They go on pignics.
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What position does the pig play in football?
Loinback.
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What do pigs drive?
Pig-up trucks!
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What's the strongest muscle on a pig?
The hamstring.
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What do you call a pig that votes?
Polled pork.
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What language do pigs speak?
Depends on which country they're from.
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Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?
Because he kept running out of the pen.
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What do you call a pig... ...with an unusually high IQ?
Einswine
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What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon.
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When pigs have a party who jumps out of the cake?
Nobody. The pigs all jump in.
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What should you say to a pig on roller skates?
Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.
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What does the horse call the pigs on his farm?
Neigh-boars.
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Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors?
Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.
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What's hard and pink?
A pig with a flick knife.
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How can you tell the pig is a failure as Easter bunny?
By the egg on its face.
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What's the difference between a pig and a ham sandwich?
You can get a prosecutor to indict the ham sandwich.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?
Bacon would go up!
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What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig?
A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
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What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...?
A Porky-Pine
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What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy goat?
A crashing bore.
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What did one pig say to the other?
Let's be pen pals!
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What does a pig put on his cut?
Oinkment
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What do you call a pig making cookies?
Bakin'!
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What soft drink do pigs like best?
Root beer.
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What do you get when you cross a pig and a spider?
Bacon and scrambled leggs.
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What did the pig say when he found a line of ants in his trough?
Mmm. Canapes."
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What do you get when you cross a horse with a pig?
Sarah Jessica Porker
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop!
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What do you call a pig that's a lumber jack?
Well you call him porkchop
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Why do pigs have flat snouts?
From running in to trees.
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What's green and furry and smells like pig?
Kermit the Frog's finger
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Why did the pig walk into the kitchen?
Because he felt like bacon. :P
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What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ?
A teddy boar !
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What did the pig say when it found a fly in its soup?
Yum Yum."
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When is a pig an ecologist?
When he recycles garbage into ham.
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Where did you get that?
The pig replies, "I won her in a raffle."
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What do you call a pig that can't be seen?
Hamouflage
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What is the most common use for pig skins?
To keep the pig in one piece.
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What do you call a group of pigs?
A precinct.
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What do you call it when you play tug-of-war with a pig?
Pulled pork.
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Why can't there be a Santa Pig?
Pigs don't fit in chimneys.
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What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving ?
A road hog !
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What are pigskins used for?
Holding the pig together.
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What does a pig put on it's nose for a sunburn?
Oinkment!
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What did the pig say when his wife left him?
Don't go bacon my heart"
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Why did the pig run away from the pig sty?
He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.
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What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree?
a porcupine
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Why do pigs run from medicine?
They hate getting cured.
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What's the difference between a fox and a pig?
About six drinks
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Why are pigs such early risers?
Did you ever try to shut off a rooster
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What animal do you get when shake a pig?
a ham-stir
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What's the exchange rate for pigs and trees?
A porcupine.
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What's that pig doing in the middle of the road with a red light on its head?
Didn't you tell me to put out a stop swine