Pirate Jokes
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Where does a pirate keep his gold?
In his treas-arrrr chest!
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Why didn't the pirate get into the movie?
It was rated rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
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What do you call a group of invading pirates?
An **Arrr**my
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What are you doing with that thing?
The pirate responds: "Arr, its been drivin' me nuts."
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What did the pirate name his pet clam?
Michelle
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Why can't pirates play any card games?
Because someone's always on the deck!
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What do you call a pirate that sells things?
A sailor.
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Why did the pirate go to Ireland?
he thought he was going to Arrrland.
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How would a pirate describe navigating Reddit on Talk like a Pirate Day?
Arduous.
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What did the pirate get on his report card?
Seven C's
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Where's your buccaneers?
The pirate responds, "tucked inside my buck'n hat!!"
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Why did the pirate update his Macbook?
His matey told him he needed an iPatch
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What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates?
Doctors without boarders.
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What did the pirate say when he walked into the brothel?
arggg! thar she blows
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Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they often spend years at C EDIT: made it more punny
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Why did the pirate with the eye patch drown?
Because he had no depth perception.
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Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday?
To watch Dablooney Toons!
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What do you call Kansas overrun by pirates?
Arkansas
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How much did the pirate spend on his earings?
A buck an ear.
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How does a pirate greet a sea monster?
What's Kraken
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Why is French person a better team player than a pirate?
The pirate says, "Aye, aye!" The French says, "Oui, oui!"
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Why was the pirate arrested for polygamy?
He kept on and on about his mateys.
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What did the pirate say with a steering wheel down his pants?
YARRR, IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!!!"
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What rating do pirate movies always get?
PG-13
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Why can't Pirates spell the alfhabet?
RRRRRRRRRRRRRgh
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Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?
Because Somalia doesn't have an education system
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What do you call a Pirate who lost his anchor?
can't anchor us" /bow.. this is as clever as i get, people.. so sorry.
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How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer!
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What did the pirate say when he saw a woman giving head?
There she blows!!!
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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Why do pirates have trouble walking?
Arrrr-thritis
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What do you call a pirate with two legs, two arms and two eyes?
Noob.
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How do you turn chicken masala into chicken marsala?
Have a pirate cook it...they always add an "arrr"...
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Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest?
He wanted to see that booty bounce.
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Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrr!
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What do you call a pirate with no friends?
Ginger Beard
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How do pirates get their hair to stand up?
Sea-men. My brother told me that
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What do you call a pirates thong?
A whispering eye patch.
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Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?
Because they spend years at sea.
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Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?
Because he was always lost at C!
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How much do pirates charge for corn?
A Buccaneer
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Why don't Pirates get invited to Birthday parties?
Because they always steal doubloons
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What did the pirate say after he pulled a steering wheel out of his pants?
It's driving me nuts!"
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What do pirates say when they find buried treasure?
Thanks for the gold!
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What did the proctologist say to the pirate?
Show me your booty.
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How do pirates like their jigsaws?
A: In pieces of eight.
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What did the pirate say when he was accepted into flight school?
It's a pilot's life for me!
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Why can't the pirate get to any subreddits?
He keeps typing /arrr/
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Where do pirates go after they are thrown out of Kansas?
Arkansas
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What do you call a girl gamer that always pirates her games??
A crack whore.
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What is a pirates favourite part of a fish?
The aye
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What did the pirate say as he was sailing through Jamaica?
X marks the pot, matey."
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How do pirates know they are pirates?
They think therefore they arrr
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What did the pirate say when he saw the dank meme?
arrr lmao
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Where does the pirate put his ear ring?
In his buccaneer.
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How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?
a buck an ear
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What did the kid ask the Pirate?
Kid asks, "Where are your buccaneers?" Pirate replies, "They're under my Buccan Hat!"
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How does the Pirate watch his movie?
He PIRATES them off line. (Or torrents them off Pirates Bay) =)
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What did the pirate say with the steering wheel in his pants?
Arrgh, it's driving me nuts!
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What does Pittsburgh have in common with Peter Pan?
The Pirates always lose.
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Which pirate makes the best food?
Captain Cook.
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Why don't black people like pirates?
they pronounce everything with a hard "aargh"
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Why are pirates never scared of a storm?
Because they love torrents.
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How does a pirate tip his hat?
M'Hearty"
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Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?
The pirate says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"
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How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
A buccaneer.
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What does a pirate have in common with the alphabet?
They only have one I.
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What's a Pirate's favorite letter?
Rrrrrrrr? You think it be R but it be sea
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What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire?
Arrr son!
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What do you call a pirate who intentionally sets a fire at sea?
An arrrrrsonist. Thank you. I'll be here all week.
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What did the pirate say when his kids were about to watch their favorite cartoon?
ARE YE READY KIDS !
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How do pirates know they exist?
They think, therefore they ARRRRRRRR!
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Why was being a soprano a requirement to becoming a pirate?
It made it easier to deal with high C's
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What's the wheel for?
The pirate replies, "Arrr it's drivin me nuts!"
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How much do pirates charge for piercings?
A buck an ear.
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Why do people admire pirates so much?
They have nerves of steal.
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What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants?
Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!"
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Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?
Because his 'I' was all jacked up.
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Why is being a pirate addictive?
They say that after you lose your first hand, you get hooked!
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What does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced?
A buck-an-ear
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Why couldn't the pirate use the bubblegum vending machine?
Because there is no quarter for the wicked.
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What did the computer say to the pirate?
Want to date hot Russians!
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What did the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants say when he couldn't remember why it was there?
Arrrh, it's driving me nuts
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What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot?
ISIS
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What do you call a flight commandeered by pirates?
A peg leg.
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What does a pirate call three feet?
A YAAAARRRRGGGG!! Oh look a door.
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What did a pirate say to fellow pirate?
Are you seeding?
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Where did the pirate go to college?
Yale. He was rejected from H**arrrr**vard.
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Why does it take so long for pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at sea.
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Why don't any pirates live in Kansas?
Because they all live in kansas.
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What did the pirate say after his first-mate stuck the wheel in his pants?
ARGHH! You're driving me nuts!"
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What did the pirate say about the steering wheel in his pants?
Arrg, it's driving me nuts!"
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Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
They always get stuck at "C".
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Why are pirates so mean?
They just ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!
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What is a pirate?
t
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What do pirates use to copy files?
Yarrrrrsync!
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What did the pirate say when he had a steering wheel down his pantaloons?
Arr! It's driving me nuts!
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What do pirates and pimps have in common?
They both say "YO HO!" and walk with a limp!
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Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?
Under his buckin' hat.
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What language do pirates speak?
Arrrrrrabic! A friend and I were extremely high and he thought of this.Good times.
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Why were the pirates on the ship fighting?
They needed better anchor management.
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Where Do Pirates From Kansas Go?
AR-Kansas
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Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?
Scurvy
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Where do pirates go in the summer?
In ARRgentina.
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What did the pirate say when he turned 81?
Nothing, as he didn't exist. The probability of anyone in that demographic reaching their eighties is particularly low, and an active pirate being eighty one years of age is further rendered a statistical impossibility given that a pirate would need to be above a certain threshold in terms of physical ability.
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Why does the Pirate Wear Camouflage Underwear?
To hide his booty.
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How much do pirates pay to get an earring?
A Buccaneer.
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What does a Pirate say when he turns 80?
Ayyyeeeee mmmaattteeeyyy.
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Why couldn't the pirate have gravy with his thanksgiving dinner?
Because someone stole his boat.
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Why did the black guy get mad at the pirate?
He dropped the hard 'arrrrrr.'
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Who did the pirate lose his virginity to?
His first mate.
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey!
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What do pirates of the 21st century wear?
An iPadth.
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get an ear piercing?
A buccaneer.
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What kind of movies do pirates watch?
ARRRR Rated Movies!
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Why do pirates love football so much?
Cus they love to count YAAAARds.
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How much will a pirate charge you for a piercing?
Buckaneer
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What do pirates do on Saturdays?
They go to Y'arrgggghhh sales.
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What's that hangin' off ye?
The pirate responds, "arrr! I've no idea, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
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Why do pirates like TIG welding so much?
Because they have a good supply of ARRgon.
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What do you call a pirate who is all out of reales(Silver coins)?
Long Gone Silver... /drops mic
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What does a pirate do when he has a cold?
Arrr make tea
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What did the pirate say to his kids when picking them up from school?
Get in the carrrrrrrrrrrr!
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Why a pirate could not spell iris?
He had only one 'i'
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Why do pirates like birthday parties?
Doubloons.
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Which anti-virus software do pirates prefer?
Avast, ye scurvy dogs!
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What did the pirate say after his successful pillage?
Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
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What would you call Osama bin Laden if he became a pirate?
Sandy Hook.
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How much do pirates pay for earrings?
Somewhere around a buck an ear.
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What do you call Japanese people that fly planes?
Pirates.
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What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?
Shiver me timbers!
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What does a pirate take for his allergies?
Aye-drops
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What do you call a pirate who is lost at sea and has to drink his own pee to survive?
Aarrrrrrr Kelly!
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What did the pirate Louis Riel say to the villagers?
Yarrrrrrr Metis!
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Where does a pirate go on vacation?
Arrrrrland.
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What do pirates do with their treasure in the winter?
They BURy it
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What did the pirate say?
ayy ayy cap'n
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How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck 'n ear
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What does a pirate with back spasms say?
Shiver me lumbars.
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Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?
They keep getting lost at sea.
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What did the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants say?
Argh it's driving me nuts!"
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What does a pirate call his idiot son?
A retarrrrrd
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What do you call a pirate from Ireland??
Arrrish
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Why was the Muslim sad when he bought a pirated disc?
Because the Disc was cracked
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Why does my Pirates of the Caribbean DVD have a piracy warning?
I think that pretty much goes without saying.
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What did the Pirate say when he got his firecrackers?
Ahoy M-80
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Why did Mary get a restraining order against Black Beard the Pirate?
He kept trying to plunder her booty.
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What the hell is a steering wheel doing there?
the pirate replies: "Arr, it's been driving me nuts"
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How do pirates measure rope?
In yarr'ds.
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What do you call someone who commits piracy?
Neckbeard the pirate
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What do pirates have in common with photons?
They both travel at c
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What does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
about a Buccaneer (buck-an-ear) yuck...yuck...yuck
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How are pirates like pimps?
They both have gold teeth and say "yo ho!"
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What happens when a pirate turns 60?
He joins AARP
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What's a pirates favorite fast food restaurant?
Long John silvers
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Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck !
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What kind of vitamin does a pirate take?
Vitamin sea.
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Why do pirates prefer black women?
They love booty.
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What's with the steering wheel?
The pirate says "ARRGGHH! It's drivin' me nuts."
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How do you test a pirate for crabs?
Swab the deck!
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What was the pirate boxing champion known for?
His left hook.
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What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
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How much does a pirate earing cost?
A buccaneer
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How much does a pirate pay for an ear piercing?
A buck an ear
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What has 3 legs and 3 eyes?
Three pirates
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Why did the pirate have to change wenches?
His old one wouldn't let him swab her poop deck.
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What does the pirates 5 trailer and the iPhone 7 have in common?
There's no jack
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What does a pirate do for entertainment?
Whatever floats his boat.
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What does all pirate music have in common?
It's all played in the high C's.
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What a pirates favorite letter of the alphabet?
None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.
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How do pirates agree with each other over long distances?
With their aye-phones.
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What's a pirates favorite material?
Arrrgyle*YARRRN!*Thanks Bravesurf
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Why should you never shout at a pirate?
Because it hurts their buccaneers. (Sorry it's lame, I just made it up)
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Whats a pirates favourite kind of wood??
Seeder
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear (buccaneer).
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Why doesn't Reno Jackson like torrenting?
Because he's always fighting pirates XD
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How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
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Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie?
Because he was arrested for pirating movies since it's illegal!
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What's a pirates favorite fast food?
Arrrrbys
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What did pirate say when he turned 80?
AYE MATEY
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How much do pirates pay for corn?
A buck an ear!
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What do you call an Asian flying a plane?
A pirate.
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What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple?
iPatch
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Who is currently leading in the Pirate Party Polls?
Noone. Pirates don't have poles, they have masts.
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What do you call a pirate who solves mysteries?
A pirate aye!
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What kind... What kind of vitamins pirates take?
Vitamin "D".
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What has three eyes, three hands, and three legs?
Two pirates
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Why can't you find pirates in Kansas?
They all live in Arkansas
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Why can't a Pirate make it through their ABC's?
They always get lost at C.
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What letter do pirates guess most often on Wheel of Fortune?
T. Modern pirates are most likely based in Somalia, and T is the most common consonant in the Somali Latin alphabet.
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Why are pirates, pirates ?
CASUE THEY ARGHHHHHHH
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What does a Pirate prefer to wear?
Doublet or nothing.
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Why do all Pirates wear eye patches?
Chuck Norris.
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Why are pirates, pirates?
They just .
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Why couldn't the Sailor steal other peoples work?
It was Pirated.
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What's the difference between a pirate and a necrophiliac?
I'm not sure, but they both go out with shovels to find the booty.
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How did the pirate fix the hole in his pants?
He used an eyepatch
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What has two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two noses?
Two pirates.
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Where was the pirate when he was hit in the crotch?
Menard's!
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Why don't pirates ever stop going to brothels?
They can't get enough booty.
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What is the most pirated movie ever?
Arrrrrrrgo
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What do you call a black, seafaring plunderer?
Pirate. Unless you're a clever racist, then you might've said "nigarrr".
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What do you call a pirate with polio?
FD Arghhhh.
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How much do pirates pay for piercings?
A buccaneer!
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Why are pirates funny?
Because they Arrrr (Yes I know its cheesier than my feet)
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How do pirates sing the ABC's?
abcdefghijklmnopq AAAAARRRRRR stuvwxy and z
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What kind of music does a pirate like?
Arrr'n'B
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How much did is cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck-an-ear.
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What did the pirate say to his sister?
Aye sis
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Where do pirates store their files?
On their RRRRRRR drive.
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How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
About a buccaneer!
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What is Blackbeard and Captain Hooks favorite workout routine?
Pirates.
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What do pirates use telephones for?
Booty call
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How do you get people to pirate an album?
Release it on TIDAL
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How did pirates communicate before the internet?
Pier to Pier Networking
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Why do Hutterites children pretend to be pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRR retarded
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What did the pirate say to the other pirate?
Don't touch my booty
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Why shouldn't you tell a pirate your secrets?
They ain't private ears. (I don't care if a six year old came to this first thirty years ago, it just came to me.)
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What do you call a pirate that pees on other people?
Rrrrrrrrrrrr Kelly
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What's with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?
The pirate says, "Argh!! I don't know but it's driving me testicles!!!"
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Why are pirates always angry when they go to the restroom?
Because they p-irate.
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What do pirates like to wear during the winter?
Scarves
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Where does a pirate keep his buccaneer' s?
Under his buccan-hat.
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Whats with the wheel on your john?
the pirate replied, "Arrg it's driving me nuts!"
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What are Pirate clothes made of?
Yarrrrrn.
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Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
They're stuck at C for years
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How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buccaneer!
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Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?
because they get lost at C!
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How do pirates know that they exist?
They think, therefore they arrrr
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Why was the pirate fired from the babyGap?
For stealing the booty
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What does a pirate get when he walks into a second-hand shop?
Disappointed.
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Why are pirates so popular?
A: They just arrrr.
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What does a pirate from Boston say?
Aaahhh.
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Why are pirates so bad at telling jokes?
Instead of 'knock knock', they say, 'Arrr you there !'
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Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
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What does a pirate say when they drop their scissors?
Scissor me timbers!
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What's a pirate's favorite workout program?
Pirates (pronounced like pilates)
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What do you call a Pirate you share an apartment with?
Your room-matey.