Place Jokes
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Which place has the strongest gravity in the whole universe?
Bed
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What do you call a duck being kidnapped?
An abduction. I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.
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Who placed 3rd for basketball in the 2016 Olympics?
LeBronze James
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. They hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado?
The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown
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Whatcha doing?
Me: "Going on twitter to hang out." H: "Twitter is an app, not a place." Me: *whispers venomously* "Is too a place!!"
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Why do cowboys have foreskin?
So they have a place to put there chewing tobacco when brushing their teeth
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What was Camelot ?
A place where people parked their camels !
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How to you know that cows will be in heaven?
It's a place of udder delight.
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Why was christopher never in the same place?
Because he's always Walken
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What will the sequel to Lake Placid that takes place 50 years later be called?
Lake Flaccid
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What kind of court order would be placed on a pig in order to prevent it from taking a specific course of action?
A: An inj-oink-tion.
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What places have the least racial tensions?
Bakeries, there are brownies and crackers there and yet they never fight.
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What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?
One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.
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What's black and all over the place?
Michael J Fox's signature.
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Why did the dislocated finger leave the party?
He felt really out of place.
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What would Dorothy have said if she practiced Yoga instead of new age magical thinking?
There's no place like OM.
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Where did AT&T get their 2007 slogan?
Ireland: More bars in more places
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Why was the white man chasing the black man?
Because he was in first place.
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How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?
Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.
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Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?
Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place. I'll let myself out.
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What was written on the UNIX user's doormat?
There's no place like cd "
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Why did the model pee herself?
She was all dressed up with no place to go!
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What's the first place Dora explored?
The mexican border.
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Why did the hipster cross the road?
To get to a place you've probably never heard of.
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How can you tell when a German is joking?
Don't worry, he will inform you after delivery of the punchline has taken place. Just a joke!
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What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?
Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"
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What did one horny whale say to the other?
Wanna humpback at my place
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Who hits the ground first?
Better question would be: Why were they in the tree in the first place?
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What do Steve Harvey and a dentist have in common?
They're both experts at placing temporary crowns.
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What's worse than a chauvinist man?
A woman who doesn't know her place.
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What did one the left headphone say to the right headphone as they walked through a haunted house?
This place feels earie.
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What does Michael Bolton say when he walks into an elevator?
This place rocks!"
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What do you get when you watch Cinderella backwards?
You see a woman learn her place.
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How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?
With scare spray.
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What did the Eskimo schoolboy say to the Eskimo schoolgirl?
What's an ice girl like you doing in a place like this
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How to Ethiopians celebrate their child's first birthday?
A: They place flowers on the grave.
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What is a crowbar?
A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
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Why must you be religious to join the Navy?
Because it's a place of war ship.
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What did one plane said to the other plane?
Can I crash at your place
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What is Nitrate?
Girl: My place, 250...your place 400!
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
One. He stands in place while the whole world revolves around him.
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Why was the piano invented?
So that the musician would have a place to put their beer.
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What is it called when there is bread all over the place?
An abundance
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How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 to hold the bulb in place and 100 to spin the house around it.
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Why is it good that the Vietnamese man won first place?
It's a Nguyen-win situation.
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How many couples does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They can't, it'd be much too cramped. How would they even get in there in the first place?
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Why did the drunk fall asleep at the wheel?
He needed a place to crash.
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What did the hipster say when a starbucks opened in his neighborhood?
You can't gentrify this place! I just moved here!"
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What do you call a place where they don't allow sleeveless shirts?
A gun free zone
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How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
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What's that one place in Thailand called?
Ahh Phuket. Nevermind.
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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
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Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors?
So they can park in handicap spots.
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What do you call the place where parrots make films?
Pollywood!
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What do you call a place monks go for Halloween?
A monascary
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What'd they call that place with the collection of escape artist memorabilia?
now museum, now you don't
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Why a conch shell, and why there of all places?
So that when you put your ear against it, you can smell the ocean."
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What did the guy from Northern Canada have to say about the place?
He wanted Nunavut.
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Why does Ellen Pao play so much tennis?
Its the only place she can get love.
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How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold it in place, another to rotate the universe around it.
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What do you call the corner of 69th and main?
Your moms place of employment
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What's your emer- She said don't get her anything for Valentine's Day! 911: And you didn't?
No! 911: Placing you in protective custody.
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How long have I got?
Not long. Two, three months" casually places apple on desk "Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"
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Why do the Germans use commas in place of decimal points?
Because it makes 6,000,000 seem like a much smaller number.
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What do you call a room with no walls?
A mushroom. Some people don't think that this is a joke. But it makes me rofl all over the place.
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How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one to hold it in place while the rest of Europe runs circles around it.
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Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock?
I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!
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Why did the girl reject the landfill owner?
His place is a dump
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Why did the lady at the bar slap the man next to her for stroking his mustache?
Because in between stroking it, he said "hello, let me clear you off a place to sit."
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Why does Juan walk around the school like he owns the place?
Because his dad built it and his mom cleans it
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Why do Mexicans always walk around like the own the place?
Their dad built it, and their mom cleans it
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What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded?
What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded? Looks like we have debris all over the place
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Why does Daenerys take so long to get places?
She keeps her feet.
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What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me man... We'll go places. Peace. Hmath out.
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What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?
I'm sorry to leave now that I've almost bought the place.
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What did the surfer say when he visited Syria?
This place is totally radical!
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What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife?
An erection and a place to put it.
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How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A: By scareplane.
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What do you call a place where Mexicans go to the bathroom?
A deport-a-potty.
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How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It was supposed to be in place last week!
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What's the similarity between iPhone 7 and my girlfriend?
They both let me stick it in only one place.
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What did Mohammed Atta say to Larry Silverstein after the long flight?
Yo can I crash at your place?
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What did the cremated Buddha who was placed in a cardboard box say?
I'm in light urn.'
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What do you get when you watch 'Cinderella' backwards?
A woman in her place...
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What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
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Where did AT&T get their 2007 slogan?
Ireland: More bars in more places
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Where's your wedding ring?
I said, "I had to wash my hands so I took it off and placed it on my lover--I mean your mother's kitchen counter."
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What's the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
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What do you call the place where lesbian Eskimos meet up?
A Klondike Bar
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What two places can you find a California roll?
Sushi bars and stop signs. Source: am southern Oregonian lots of bad Cali drivers here
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How do you know if an Asian is depressed?
All around them are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.
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What's the most racist place in a house?
The laundry room. It's the only place where the blacks have to be separated from the whites.
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What do you call an X-Games athlete who placed dead last?
A louger.
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What happened at the Mr. Softee when someone spiked the syrups with Viagra?
The whole place turned into a Hardee's.
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What is Facebook?
Its a Place where Boy posts a JOKE and Gets no Response & If a Girl Posts the same JOKE , She gets Hundreds of likes , comments and Friend Requests and Lots of PM's .
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What did the fisherman say to the fisherwoman?
Your place or mine
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What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box?
All dressed up, with no place to go.
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How many mottophobics does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Who do you think broke the filament in the first place
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What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?
Putin on the Ritz.
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How many millenials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. They hold it in place while the world revolves around them.
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What do you do if you break your arm in two places?
Don't go back to those two places.
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Why do Russians always wear track suits?
Because they are always RUSSIAN to places. thanks
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What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?
A retail store.
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How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They just hold the bulb in place and the world revolves around them.
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Why did the hotel manager refuse to rent his rooms out to people?
He needed places to hide the bodies.
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What would you do if you broke your arm in two places?
Vanderkron: I wouldn't go to these places no more!