Play Jokes

  • What's the difference between Eric Clapton and a snooker player?

    One plays with an electric guitar, the other a-cue-stick.

  • How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?

    A: She fell out of the tree.

  • What is the name of a bag pipe band that likes to play while jumping on squares?


  • Why couldn't the leopard play Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?

    A: Because he was always spotted.

  • Why was "what is love" played at a funeral?

    Because he had a will, and he haddaway.

  • How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

    Lets go play on our bikes.

  • Why don't you play UNO with a Mexican?

    Because they steal all the green cards

  • Which one is the boy you've been seeing?

    New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

  • What happened to the baseball played who was unfaithful to his wife?

    He was thrown out at home. - His two balls got a strike.

  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in a pile of leaves?


  • Why do you not play Uno with Mexicans?

    Cuz they take all the green cards

  • How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?

    A: You can almost hear them.

  • How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?

    A: Depends on how many were photographed.

  • Why did Regina George's dog only play keep-away?

    because fetch is not going to happen.

  • What does a Chihuahua play basketball with?

    A tennis ball!

  • Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

    He kept getting nailed to the boards.

  • What's the healthiest sport a pregnant women can play?

    Kick boxing

  • Why can't you play hide and go seek with a Pokmon?

    Because he'll peek-at-chu!

  • What Video Game do feminists LOVE to play?

    No MAN'S sky!

  • Why was Tigger always filthy?

    Because he was playing with Pooh.

  • Why don't ghosts play sports?


  • What do monsters play when they are in the bus?


  • What's the difference between a PC gamer and a console player?

    One spends 400 dollars on a console that will play games for years, the other pays 400 dollars for a graphics card that will be outdated in a week

  • What did Johann Sebastian Bach do when someone steam-rolled his organ?

    He played a flat baroque piece!

  • Why did the midget get kicked out of the putt putt course?

    because he wanted to play minijerkoff.

  • Where's the best place to pick up a girl who plays hard-to-get?

    Around the ankles and wrists :D

  • Why couldn't Led Zeppelin play pinball?

    They had No Quarter

  • What do you call Kurt Russel playing an archaeologist?

    Kurt Fossil

  • Which is the best kind of dinosaur to play hide & seek with?

    An I-Don't-Think- He-Saurus

  • Why can't Bach play the piano?

    He "Baroque" his arm, and also he's dead.

  • What do you call four condoms who play music together?

    A rubber band.

  • How do you make a Welsh person comfortable while playing Scrabble?

    Remove the vowels in his rack.

  • What game do enemy naval officers play in the sauna?


  • Why aren't Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey?

    A: Because everytime they go into the corner they open up a convienent store.

  • What do you call a symphony where everyone plays at the same time instead of taking turns?

    An chestra.

  • Why can't Emma Watson ever play Hermione Granger again?

    Cos once you go black, you never go back.

  • Why do black people play basketball?

    Because it teaches them how to shoot, run and steal.

  • Why did the milk cow want the role of the camel in the nativity play so badly?

    She thought she was a dromedary.

  • What's the most played song at Amish parties?

    Churn Down For What

  • Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey?

    He kept getting nailed to the boards.

  • What do I get when I raise up a platform to play Mozart?

    Amadeus on my dais.

  • How did the violinist learn to play violin?

    He just started fiddling with it.

  • What did one bird say to the other bird?

    toucan play at this game.

  • What do you call a computer that only plays sad songs?


  • Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

    He kept trying to shave the princess.

  • Why don't violists play hide and seek?

    A: Because no one will look for them.

  • What does former Vice President Gore play on the guitar?

    An algorithm

  • What do you call two nuns playing a bongo?

    A conundrum.

  • What's the most difficult instrument for a percussionist to play?

    a conundrum

  • What do you call an ant who can't play the piano ?

    Discordant !

  • Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants ?

    They always want to play leap frog with him

  • What do you call a physicist who makes lets play videos?


  • What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?

    Neither of them can finish a play

  • When fish play football who is the captain ?

    The team's kipper !

  • Why are stormtroopers so bad at aiming?

    Because they're playing on console.

  • What do you call group of mentally handicapped kids at a performance of "Peter Pan"?

    Slow Children At Play

  • Whats a mile long and has a thousand arms?

    The train to Auschwitz. Some German guy i used to play Path of Exile with told it to me.

  • Why didn't Jesus ever play in the NHL?

    because every time he tried he got nailed to the boards!

  • What game do old black people play?


  • Why didn't the monk sell his temple?

    Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (:

  • Why do Australians take forever to play chess?

    Because they never make it past the first check, mate.

  • What do you call an aardvark that plays poker?

    A cardvark!

  • Why does Piglet smell?

    Because he plays with Pooh.

  • Who writes all his plays on the Internet?

    Will-e. Shakespeare.

  • Why... Can't illegal US immigrants play Uno?

    Because they keep stealing all the Green Cards

  • How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

    She should play the lottery too !

  • What do farmers say when something is important to them?

    It plays a big tractor.

  • What game do two strangers with Social Anxiety play?

    Don't Break the Ice

  • What do German kids play on the playground?

    Guten tag!

  • Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf?

    In case you get a hole in one!

  • What kind of baseball do burgers play?

    Ketchup baseball!

  • Whats the similarity between Monkey in the Middle and Football?

    Both of the groups that are concered about the health of someone playing both begin with the letter P.

  • Where does the Internet football team play?


  • How much money does the Government pay people with autistic disorder?

    Enough to buy a computer that can play League of Legends.

  • Why is everyone tired of the king playing video poker on his porcelain throne?

    A: Cause they're sick of all his royal flushes.

  • Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?

    Too many cheetahs.

  • Why don't people like to play uno with Mexicans?

    Because they always steal the green cards....

  • Why shoudn't you play poker in Africa ?

    Because of all the Cheetahs!

  • Why don't matches play baseball?

    A: One strike, and they're out.

  • What's the difference between Ozzy Osborne and Whitney Houston?

    One plays hard rock, the other is rock hard.

  • Why was the baguette excited for his audition?

    He heard he might be playing a big roll

  • What do Mexicans play at their funerals?

    Another Juan Bites The Dust

  • Why do you never play hide & seek with mountains?

    Mountains peak.

  • What do you call it when Muslim men play naked twister?

    Dinner entertainment at Guantanamo Bay

  • What game do they play at Mexican carnivals?


  • Why did the hipster burn himself?

    Because he played with fire before it was cool.

  • What gets harder the more you play with it?

    A Rubik's cube, you dirty minded individuals!

  • What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film?

    Stop playing it cagey!

  • What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky?

    the fam copter

  • Why do orphans like playing tennis?

    Because its the only love they get.

  • How are babies and strippers alike?

    They're fun to play with but I wouldn't want to take one home

  • Why is it fun to play with matches ?

    They're lit.

  • Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise?

    Because the captain stood on the deck.

  • Why can't an orphan play baseball?

    Because he can't run home

  • Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

    Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball

  • Why does Ellen Pao play so much tennis?

    Its the only place she can get love.

  • What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg?

    First it goes ping then it goes pong.

  • What happened when the lepers played poker?

    One guy threw down his hand and another laughed his head off. This was my best friend's favorite joke when she was little apparently.

  • Why was Darth Vader upset when he heard George Michael will only play new songs at his concerts?

    He found his lack of Faith disturbing.

  • How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?

    A: Write 'pp espressivo'.

  • What game do tornadoes like to play?


  • Where is the worst place to play hide and seek in a hospital?

    In the I.C.U.

  • What position does your brother play in the school football team ?

    Jay: I think he's one of the drawbacks !

  • Why did the lion always lose at poker?

    He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs!

  • What do the Golden State Warriors do when they're not playing basketball?

    They watch moving picktures.

  • Why were the flies playing football in saucer ?

    They where playing for the cup !

  • Why can't you play UNO with a mexican?

    They always steal the green card.

  • Why does Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand?

    Because she uses the other one to sing.

  • Why did the monster stop playing with his brother?

    He got tired of kicking him around.

  • What does all pirate music have in common?

    It's all played in the high C's.

  • Where do Canadians play Basketball?

    In the NB - "eh"

  • Why do white people not like playing uno with mexicans?

    They take all the green cards

  • What game do lesbians like to play?

    Clash of Clams

  • Why doesnt Kermit like elephants?

    They always want to play leap-frog with him.

  • Why can't New Yorkers play chess?

    They're short 2 towers.

  • What's the difference between a tv remote and a newborn?

    You can't play football with the remote.

  • Why is it impossible to play UNO with Mexicans?

    Because they keep stealing all the green cards.

  • Why was little Billy so sad when his friends played on the swingset?

    He had no arms. Sorry that joke was stupid, let me try again. Knock Knock "Whose there?" Not Billy

  • What position do u play?

    ME: I'm a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.

  • Why did no-one want to play a game with the leopard?

    He was a cheetah.

  • Why don't they play poker in the savanna?

    because there are too many cheetahs. Thank you i will be here all day.

  • Why couldn't The Doctor play baseball?

    They couldn't figure out Who was on first (Sorry, if this has been submitted before, im new here)

  • What do you get when astronomers play tic-tac-toe?

    Exoplanets Thought that one up myself.

  • What kind of poker do stoner cows play?

    High Steaks

  • Why did the cat get arrested for playing a violin?

    Because it was a kitty fiddler.

  • What did the Dalai Llama play on stage at Glastonbury?


  • Why dont Muslims play Dota?

    Because techies respawns

  • Who should have played Bilbo Baggins in Lord of the Rings?

    Bruce Willis. Because old hobbits die hard.

  • What do you call an obese terrorist who plays for the Yankees?

    Derek Bin Jeter

  • How do you play a big game of Hungry Hippos?

    Go to a weight watchers meeting and roll Maltesers down the middle of their meeting circle.

  • What's the definition of endless love?

    Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

  • What song did Kim Jong Il request be played at his funeral?

    Journey - Don't Stop Bereaving.

  • How would you describe Al Gore playing the drums?


  • Why can't pirates play any card games?

    Because someone's always on the deck!

  • How do you play Taliban bingo?


  • Why can't Jesus play Football?

    He has flashbacks every time he looks at the goal

  • What did the pope say to Aretha Franklin?

    I said play pope music not pop music.

  • Why doesn't Gabe Newell play basketball?

    Because he can't make 3's

  • What game do Anti-Vaxxer's kids play in the pool?

    Marco Polio

  • What video game console can you not be upset while playing?

    The Nomad

  • Why doesn't Jesus play basketball?

    He got crossed up.

  • What video game system do police officers play in their cars?

    Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

  • Why couldn't Harry play basketball?

    Because he's got no arms.

  • Why can't americans play LoL?

    They can't guard their towers.

  • Why can't Jesus play hockey?

    He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!...

  • Why was the centipede late ?

    Because he was playing "This little Piggy" with his baby brother !

  • What do you get when you cross the world's most famous skater with the world's best physicist?

    A video game so realistic, when you screw up you have to play in a wheelchair.

  • What did Saddam Hussein say every time he played pool?

    I rack.

  • What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

    An Orca-stra.

  • What is the difference between an Irish drinking song and a Country drinking song?

    You don't cry in your beer when the Irish song is playing.

  • What's the difference between a pun and a copy of Cliff's Notes?

    A pun is a play on words, while Cliff's notes are a word on plays

  • Why don't girls like playing dodgeball?

    Because we don't like getting hit by balls. 12: *giggles for 5 minutes* You are so my child

  • Why is Coolio always able to play craps?

    He's got a gangsta's pair a dice.

  • Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?

    A: Catch.

  • Why are softball games so hard to follow?

    Because everyone secretly plays for the other team.

  • Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

    Too many cheetahs.

  • Why can't you play hide and go seek with a Pokemon?

    Because he'll peek-at-chu!

  • What do you get when you play a Frank Sinatra record at twice the speed?

    Shrank Sinatra"

  • What do you call a person who plays the viola?

    A: A violator.

  • Why is Hollywood full of vampires?

    They need someone to play the bit parts.

  • Why do people hate playing uno with Mexicans?

    They keep stealing green cards.

  • Why did the punster enjoy the Broadway show about etymology?

    Because it was a play on words.

  • What is big and brown and plays the accordion?

    Lawrence Elk

  • Why can't unicorns play soccer?

    Because they don't exist

  • Why are people afraid to play poker in Africa?

    Too many Cheetahs.

  • Why don't skeletons play music in church?

    Because they got no organs.

  • What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?

    He got crossed.

  • What were Luke Skywalker's favourite model cars to play with as a kid?


  • What do you call a black guy who plays the piano?

    a pianist

  • What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

    Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...

  • Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?

    Because she used the other to sing

  • What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?

    A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.

  • Why aren't puns called pows?

    It is a play on words, after all

  • What do you call a guy who plays Fallout?

    A Fall Out Boy.

  • Why did Ayn Rand lose the pool tournament?

    She wouldn't play on a regulation size table

  • How do you juice an orange?

    Play with its citorus

  • What do you call a Hindu god playing basketball?


  • Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid?

    He was told not to play with his food.

  • How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

    A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

  • What game do reindeer play in their stalls?


  • How many amateur masochists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Only one; But it takes a WHOLE E.R. room to extract it afterwards. Double joke! "whole... hole." it's a play on words ;)

  • Why does nobody like Tigger?

    Because he plays with Pooh.

  • Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle?

    There are too many cheetahs. Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.

  • Why are tuna fish so bad a playing Tennis?

    They keep getting caught in the net!

  • What game do 18 dogs like to play during the summer?


  • How does Jared like to play his flute?

    In A minor.

  • Why didn't I play in the Woman's world chess championships?

    Because I ran

  • What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson?

    One was shot for playing with little children.

  • What do you call a group of whales playing music together?

    An Orcastra

  • What do you call a horse that plays the violin?

    Fiddler on the hoof!

  • Why doesn't Jesus play hockey anymore?

    He kept on getting nailed into the boards.

  • Why can't moccasins play the blues?

    They've got no sole.

  • What game show do pickles play?

    Dill or No Dill

  • What do auditioning for an acting role and playing sports have in common?

    If you break a leg, you get cast

  • What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes?


  • How can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it?

    A: Play the piano until you find the right key.

  • Why couldn't the blind black man play hockey?

    Because he was black.

  • What game did the dentist play when she was a child?

    Caps and robbers

  • What happens if you play a country song backward?

    You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.

  • What sport do you play with a wombat?


  • What game should you play to get your mother's attention?


  • How can you tell if your stormtroopers just played paintball in their freetime again?

    You can't.

  • When Greek people play a video game, what settings do they use?


  • What childhood game are orphans not aloud to play?


  • What is Sean Connery's favorite sport, and around what age did he start playing?


  • Why can't dogs play hockey?

    They always get called for roughing.

  • How do depressed people play the violin?

    With a razor and their wrist.

  • Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?

    Webley stadium !

  • Why is football the single best sport?

    Because americans don't play it.

  • Why didn't the black kid play Pokemon?

    He was afraid they were trying to catch Jamal.

  • Which video game do Mexicans play the most?


  • What is a black guy's favorite game to play with the kids?


  • How many women does it take to play tennis?

    You can't play tennis in the kitchen

  • What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?


  • What is the most popular sport played by raindrops and hail stones?


  • What do you call a Psychic Compromise?

    A Happy Medium. Sorry, a played around with the wording of this a lot and couldn't find anything better. Please suggest a better phrasing.

  • Why can't you play peek-a-boo with Jesus?

    Because he has holes in his hands

  • How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?

    A: Shoot one.

  • What do you call a girl who plays tennis on her knees?


  • What song can never be played on #throwback Thursday?

    Friday by Rebecca Black

  • Why is it hard to play Uno with Mexicans?

    They steal all the green cards.

  • Why don't the zebra and the lion like to play cards in the prairie?


  • What happens when Frogs die playing Call of Duty?

    They respawn.

  • Why was the man arrested for having his skin flute played?

    It was in A-minor

  • Why does Bob Seger always laugh when he plays chess?

    He thinks it's funny how the Knight moves.

  • Which is the best kind of dinosaur to play hide & seek with?

    An I-Don't-Think- He-Saurus

  • What's the difference between an Irish guy dying in a play, and you getting laid?

    One's a tragic Mick...

  • What do you call it when seven minutes in heaven is played at Comic-Con?

    A: Close encounters of the nerd kind

  • Why did a pair of tomatoes play footsie?


  • Why don't orphans play hide and seek?

    Because no one will look for them.

  • Why is Tigger always dirty?

    Because he plays with Pooh

  • Why did the cow slap the bull?

    He didn't play well with udders.

  • Whats the worst joke you can play on an American?

    Two pies to the face and one somewhere in a field in Pennsylvania.

  • Why couldn't the Dali Lama go out and play with his friends?

    Because he was grounded.

  • Why can't Thor play the piano or hide n seek with his brother?

    He can never find the Loki.

  • What do turtles do for fun?

    Play hide and shell.

  • What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get?

    A socra-tease Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week

  • Why do women only use putters while playing golf?

    Because women can't drive.

  • How does Dracula keep fit?

    He plays batminton.

  • What did the egg play in the movie?

    The egg-stra.

  • Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn?

    He was too much of a bully!

  • What do you call a kid with no arms and legs playing baseball?

    2nd base.

  • What do rodents say when they play bingo ?

    Eyes down for a full mouse' !

  • Why do you never play uno with a mexican?

    Because they will steal all the green cards.

  • How do you make two Oboists play in tune with one another?

    Shoot one of them.

  • What is a tornado's favorite game to play?


  • Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports?

    Because she always ran away from the ball <p> My favorite joke since I was little

  • What was the yacht doing while it played heavy metal music?


  • Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

    They're trying to get away from the noise.

  • Why does Marx's toilet play a sonata when flushed?

    Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.

  • What is Polish roulette?

    It's similar to Russian roulette, but instead of a revolver it's played with an automatic pistol.

  • Why do women over 40 don't play hide and seek?

    Because nobody is looking for them.

  • Who.. Plays The Guitar.. Boy: How Do i play the guitar ?

    Girls: You Should be on TV for your talent. Boy: Am i so good ..... Boy : if you were on TV, i can atleast switch it off...

  • Who's there ! Blair ! Blair who ?

    Blair play !

  • Which four-member rock group doesn't sing or play music?

    Mount Rushmore.

  • Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?

    Because all the kids have to play in side.

  • Why can't America play chess?

    They are missing 2 towers

  • Why can't DJs play pool?

    A: They always scratch.

  • Why is the O in Opossum silent?

    Because it's playing dead.

  • Why did Jesus stop playing hockey?

    Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

  • What's the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician?

    A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands. A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3

  • Why couldn't Cinderella play football very well?

    Her coach was a pumpkin

  • Why couldn't Robin play cricket?

    Because he lost his bat, man.

  • What's going on in this movie?

    Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago. Me: Wow! New record.

  • What do you call a philosopher that kind of wants to play soccer?


  • What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek ?

    Fowl play !

  • Why didn't Jesus play during the Isreal-Palestine soccer game?

    He got suspended.

  • Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

    Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh

  • How many Vladimir Putins' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    None, they didn't Putin enough effort. Just a play on his last name, nothing more.

  • What did you do at school today?

    Mark: We played a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam Mark: That's right.

  • How do you know when Mexico is playing in the World Cup?

    Literally all gardening stops

  • Why does tigger have no friends?

    Because he plays with pooh.

  • Why did the suicidal man cross the road?

    Because he wanted to play chicken.

  • What game do you play if you don't take care of your teeth?

    Tooth (truth) or Consequences.

  • How do you play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

    Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, take two shots

  • Why doesn't anyone watch women's hockey?

    The games take 3 months to play!

  • What is Stevie Wonder's favorite key to play in?

    C minor

  • What do you give an actor playing the role of an angry street gang member?

    Mad props...

  • When is the earliest time of day Nintendo fans play games?

    The Wii hours of the morning.

  • How to not get scolded by your parents if you want GTA V?

    Mom! I want to play GTA V! Giant Turtles ATTACK V!

  • What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie?

    I'll be Bach.

  • What do you tell someone from Moscow if he's in a hurry?

    Q: What do you tell someone from Moscow who is in a hurry? A: Quit Russian. Q: What do you call a Mexican pessimist? A: A Mexican't Q: What do you call a German who is urinating in an alley? A: A you're a peein'. Q: What does an Asian person have if their leg joints are socially awkward? A: Shy knees. Q: What is a Parisian country cover band's favorite song to play? A: "I've got France in low places."

  • Why couldn't the computer play golf?

    Because it had the wrong Driver

  • When does Sean Connery enjoy playing his favorite sport?


  • What do you get if you play a C&W song backwards?

    Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.

  • Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?

    Because it's too much like work what with all of the lying involved.

  • Why do orphans play tennis?

    It's the only way they can get love.

  • Why couldn't Handel play his harpsichord?

    Because it was baroquen.

  • What do you call a woodland elf without any connecting plastic bricks to play with?


  • What game do monsters play with humans?


  • Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?

    Because it's all play.

  • Why does Piglet smell so bad?

    Because he always plays with Pooh.

  • How do you stop all the protests and riots?

    Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down

  • What does a bird say when it wants revenge?

    Toucan play at that game!

  • Which playing card can turn its hand to everything?

    Jack of all Spades

  • Why are hamburgers essential to football?

    Because the game is played on a griddle-iron!

  • Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors?

    Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.

  • What's the difference between garbanzo beans an chickpeas?

    I don't have to play $50 for a garbanzo bean in my face.

  • What kind of music can't Ed Sheeran play?


  • Why shouldn't you play cards in the jungle?

    Too many cheetahs!

  • What do you call a punk band that knows how to play their instruments?

    A metal band

  • Why wasn't the fish allowed to play in the band?

    Because he couldn't tuna piano!

  • Why did the pig go to the casino ?

    To play the slop machine !

  • What do you call Charlie Sheen's brother if he were a financial advisor?

    Emilio Investevez. Fun game/running joke friends in college used to play. Wondering if Reddit would enjoy the game too.

  • What's the definition of a gentleman?

    Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

  • How does a dog play Hendrix on guitar?

    With a chihuahua pedal.

  • Why arent the americans playing chess?

    they are missing two towers.

  • Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

    A: Because he was sitting on the deck !

  • What is Siri really good at?

    Playing pocket pool.

  • What two games does Carl Sagan play at the bar?

    Billiards and Billiards

  • When is the best time to play racquet sports?


  • Who's your friend who likes to play?


  • How can one get rid of the echo while playing a movie?

    Get some furniture

  • Why do they say "character actress"?

    Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture

  • Why does it take so long to play Israeli sports?

    Because all the replays are in shlomo.

  • What do you call a herpes pun?

    a play on warts

  • Why dosn't Jesus christ play hockey?

    Because he'd always get nailed into the boards

  • What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios?

    Toucan play at that game

  • Why can you not play UNO with mexicans?

    They take all the green cards.

  • Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

    Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

  • Why didn't the tree like to play checkers?

    Because it was a chesnut tree.

  • What's the difference between woman's breasts and a box of matches?

    The matches are made for adults, but kids constantly grab'em and play with them. The situation is quite opposite with breasts.

  • How do you know you are at r/jokes?

    The guys all look like they played football for Bronx HighSchool of Science

  • What is a water bottle's favorite game to play?

    Follow the litre.

  • What game do French schoolchildren like to play?

    Simon 16

  • Why did they have to stop playing water-polo in Poland?

    All the horses drowned

  • What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?


  • What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?

    A Moosician!

  • What type of music do they play at Chinese Restaurants ?

    Wok n' Roll

  • What do you get when you play country music backwards?

    You get your job back, you get your wife back and you get your tractor back.

  • What's wrong with the sentence "Jack and Jill is playing in the field?

    Women should be first.

  • Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey?

    He didn't like getting nailed to the boards.

  • What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play?


  • What's w/the ice pack?

    12: I have a headache. Me: Do you think it's a good idea to play video games if you have a headache 12: Yes.

  • When do ghosts play tricks on each other?

    On April Ghoul's Day

  • What position does the pig play in football?


  • Why doesn't Jesus Play Hockey???

    Because he doesn't want to be nailed to the boards.

  • What do you call a cow that plays with itself?

    Beef Stroganoff

  • When O. J. Simpson's kids wanted to go out and play, what did he tell them?

    Go axe your mother."

  • How does a lawyer from Panama play his guitar?

    He shreds.

  • Why is a violin difficult to play?

    Because it is fiddly!

  • Why couldn't the shoes go out and play?

    A: They were all tied up.

  • Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle ?

    Because of all the cheetahs !

  • What white actor is going to play Prince in his bio pic?

    Peter Dinklige

  • How do you get two rednecks to play Banjo in unison?

    Shoot the first one.

  • Why do Congo gamers refuse to play with Belgians?

    They're afraid of getting owned

  • What do naked fish play with ?

    Bare-a-cudas !

  • How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

    Depends on what tune the Devil happens to be playing. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha.

  • What do you call a man with no arms or legs playing in the leaves?


  • How did the Pianist play without fingers?

    Not very well at all...

  • Why don't cows play poker?

    Because it's a high steaks game

  • Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?

    Because he was always spotted.

  • What do you call a play about a moose on a bicycle?

    A Moosical

  • What's the worst part about admitting to your friends and family you play PokemanGo?

    Having to admit you have autism :,P

  • What did Tony the Tiger say to the kids playing baseball?

    Theeeeeeeeey Never expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

  • Why can't Mexicans play Uno?

    They always steal the green cards.

  • Where's Wally?

    book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.

  • What do you call a crab that plays baseball?

    A pinch hitter.

  • Why did the lion lose at poker?

    He was playing with a cheetah.

  • How do porcupines play leapfrog?

    Very carefully

  • Why can't Australians play chess?

    They keep saying check, mate.

  • What do you call a chicken that can play tennis?

    A Henman.

  • What do you call a rock group of 4 men who don't sing or play music?

    Mount Rushmore. Or Nickelback. I'm so sorry.

  • Why haven't any subscribers to r/TheRedPill played Overwatch yet?

    They don't play the beta.

  • Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts?

    Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with his broomstick.

  • What do you call a rabbi who plays miniature golf?


  • What does Rolf Harris like to play with on the piano?

    A minor.

  • Why couldn't Jesus play marbles?

    Because they kept falling through his hands.

  • What did the experienced guitarist say to the new guitarist that was nervous about playing?

    Dont fret about it.

  • What song do they play at a Jehovah's witness funeral?

    Knock, knock, knockin on Heavens door

  • Who plays center forward for the vampire football team?

    The ghoulscorer.

  • How many amateur masochists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Only one; But it takes a WHOLE E.R. room to extract it afterwards. Double joke! "whole... hole." it's a play on words ;)

  • Why don't Episcopalians play chess?

    They don't know the difference between a bishop and a queen

  • What did they call it when NHL officials refused to allow a hamburger to play hockey in the league?

    Rink injustice!

  • How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?

    A: One.

  • Why does Helen Keller play piano one-handed?

    She sings with the other hand.

  • What did the pianist do when someone smashed his piano?

    He played many more pieces.

  • Who knocks on doors at three in the morning?

    It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

  • How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

    A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

  • Why shouldn't Mexicans play UNO?

    They keep taking all the green cards

  • How do you feel when you're playing Mortal Kombat and the air conditioning goes out?


  • Why does jesus not play video games?

    Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn

  • What's the most popular game to play in jail?

    Smash Brothers

  • How many quarters does it take to play the Lord of the rings pinball game?

    None, it only takes Tolkiens

  • What do you call 10 black guys playing basketball ball?

    Three on three.

  • What animal should you never play cards with?

    A cheetah

  • What game do you play with a gospel choir?

    Where's Whitey

  • What instrument do skeletons play?

    A trombone!

  • Why did the table love playing volleyball?

    Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.

  • Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with toads?

    She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.

  • Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?

    I replied.

  • How will I know when I'm an adult?

    and I said, ' When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator'

  • What do you call playing chess against yourself?


  • What do you call a bunch of black children playing in a pile of leaves?

    raisin bran

  • Why do artists never win when they play football ?

    They keep drawing !

  • What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

    An algorithm.

  • Why did the elf have to play with Mega Bloks?

    Because he was Legoless

  • What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a paper bag?

    One is made of plastic and is very dangerous for little kids to play with. The other carries groceries.

  • What's the longest game in the world?

    Two women playing pool.

  • What do you get if you play a C&?

    W song backwards? Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.

  • Why don't they let gansters play Quidditch?

    Cause gangsters always catch the snitch!

  • Why shouldn't you play American football with feminists?

    Because they'll constantly shift the goal posts.

  • What song was playing at Pulse last Saturday night?

    It's Raining Men"

  • Why was the pianist arrested?

    He was caught playing in A minor.

  • What instrument does Mother Earth play?

    The Qatar.

  • Why does nobody play poker in the jungle?

    Too many cheetahs

  • Why did Marlin and Dory never date?

    Dory was played by Ellen Degeneres.

  • Why does Tiger have to take so many baths?

    Because he plays with Pooh all day.

  • How is this joke similar to a musical about a thesaurus?

    Both are a play on words.

  • Which insect didn't play well in goal ?

    The fumble bee !

  • Why don't they allow lesbians to play baseball?

    When they get to third base they think they've scored

  • What's the difference between babies and love?

    Love doesn't burn. What's worst part about making love to a dead baby. Digging up the coffin. How long does take to play hide and seek with a dead baby? It depends how small the pieces are.

  • Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

    Because then the children have to play inside.

  • What kinds of jokes do cats play on each other?


  • What do you call a British person playing a saxophone?

    An Anglo Saxin'

  • Why don't I play chess with the Prodigy?

    they smack my bishop

  • Why can't Cinderella play soccer?

    Because she keeps running away from the ball

  • Why couldn't the salad bowl play Scrabble?

    It had run out of lettuce

  • What do you call people who play April Fool's jokes?


  • Who wants to play war?

    I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out of me!

  • What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common?

    Neither can finish a play.

  • What did the mother ghost tell the kid ghost when he went out to play?

    Don't get your sheets dirty!"

  • What bands did they hire to play at the Developmental Disability Conference?

    System of a Downs My Chemical Imbalance. Youth In Asia

  • What is a punny play?

    A play on words.

  • What sport is played in Spanish churches?

    La Cross

  • What do you call a play about a dictionary?

    A pun!

  • Why do the Marines call it Parris island?

    Because they like to play with each other's oui oui.

  • What do baby pythons play with?


  • Why are Pokemon terrible to play hide and seek with?

    Because they pikachu

  • How do you play Iraqi bingo?


  • What do you call a Chinese kid playing college football?

    A wok on.

  • What would Game of Thrones be called if it was about ice cream?

    Game of Cones If it was about sword sharpening: Game of Hones If it was just everyone playing Go: Game of Stones If everyone was single: Game of Alones If it was about balls: Game of Throwns If it was about spooky scary skeletons: Game of Bones If everyone used UAVs to fight: Game of Drones If everyone was a banker: Game of Loans If it was about breakfast foods: Game of Scones

  • Why can't Santa play in the NBA?

    He has a no-trade Claus

  • Whats the worst animal to play cards with?

    A Cheetah.

  • Why should you never play cards in the jungle?

    Because of all the cheetahs

  • What do you call a Muslim who plays '50s rock music during Ramadan?

    a Rama-dana-ding-dong

  • What is the definition of a minor 2nd chord?

    Two flutists playing in unison.

  • How do you stop the neighbours kids from playing in your yard?

    Molest them

  • Why are orphans unable to play baseball?

    They've never known what home is.

  • Why do North Americans hate playing chess?

    Cause they lack the towers.

  • Why don't Germans play games with new players?

    Because they don't want to wreck Danubes.

  • Why don't they play CS:GO in the jungle?

    too many cheetahs

  • What's the difference between rock and jazz?

    Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

  • What do you call a guy who plays the guitar unplugged?

    An amputee

  • Why can't the T-Rex play the piano?

    Cause they're dead!

  • What does train tracks and breast have in common?

    They are both ment for boys but in the end it's the men who plays with them

  • What do you call it when you play tug-of-war with a pig?

    Pulled pork.

  • Where the hell did you get?

    the barkeep asks. "I won it, playing cards", says the pig.

  • How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player?

    Ask them if they play league.

  • How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?

    A: You can't!

  • Why is that my son?

    Son: Because...Walking dead Intro/outro plays loud

  • What's a wombat for?

    For playing wom

  • Why should the Pope play NBA basketball?

    Because every time he puts up a prayer it gets answered. (I thought of this myself, but it is so corny, it could easily be in every damn joke book.)

  • What do you call siblings that play soccer?


  • What's the difference between America and Saudi Arabia?

    You don't need a computer to play minesweeper in Saudi Arabia. (I'm not sorry)

  • What happens when you play the drums incorrectly?

    You get repercussions

  • What music do they play in a mexican bathroom?

    Earth wind and fire

  • Why don't you play with your friends?

    he asked. 'Because I only have one friend' the girl replied. 'And I hate her.'

  • How do you call a play on numbers?

    A pin.

  • Why type of lightning likes to play sports?

    Ball lightning

  • Where do all the normies play?

    In the areeeeeiiiiiiiiina

  • What do you call it when you play Nintendo games because you have nothing better to do?


  • What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?

    A: A new age song.

  • What Do You Call Adrian Peterson Playing Baseball?

    A switch hitter.

  • Why doesn't Jesus play volleyball?

    All those spikes hurt his hands

  • Why couldn't cinderella play soccer?

    She always ran away from the ball

  • Why did Chandler play the blues as loud as he could?

    He wanted to harm monica.

  • What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common?

    They are both over the counter strike

  • Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans?

    They steal the green cards.

  • Why doesnt Nickelback play football?

    Because even if they had 4 players they still couldnt throw a ball.

  • Why do soccer players not play in the rain?

    It makes their makeup run.

  • What game does a black dad and son play forever?

    Hide n' seek

  • How do they play basketball in Mexico?

    Juan on Juan

  • Why is James Bond's favourite bartender played by Michael J Fox?

    He doesn't need to tell him to shake the martini.

  • What is the difference between Christmas music and Kobe Bryant?

    Christmas music will still be playing next year.

  • What do bulls do for fun?

    Play with others.

  • Why can't Americans play chess ?

    Because they are missing two towers.

  • What do a man and a rubix cube have in common?

    The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

  • What do you call a skank playing "H.O.R.S.E?

    She missed two shots, so she's a ho. I'll leave now.

  • How does Jerry Seinfeld play ice hockey?

    With his Shtick.

  • What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?

    They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.

  • Why doesn't Mike Tyson play the Playstation?

    Because he's an Xboxer.

  • Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

    You will lose every hand.

  • What did Caesar say when playing battleship?

    A2 Brute.

  • Why didn't rail Castro want to be President of Cuba?

    He didn't want to play second fidel

  • What do you call a chinese duo that plays ping pong?

    Ping Pong

  • Why should you date a girl who is good with her hands and plays soccer?

    Because she's probably a keeper.

  • Which big cat should you never play cards with ?

    A cheetah !

  • What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?

    Juan v Juan

  • How do you tell a British guy that it's his turn to play ball?


  • Why do women aged 40+ not play hide and seek?

    cause nobody would be looking for them.

  • Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

    You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

  • How does Chris Martin play monopoly?

    With a paira, paira, pairadice

  • Why can't fashion designers play uno?

    Because they always draw a cardigan.

  • Why does Piglett smell nasty?

    He plays with Pooh.

  • How do you know Tiger Woods is one of the richest people in the world?

    He plays golf.

  • What do you call an actor from Alabama that is forced by contract to play a certain character in a production?

    Role tied.

  • What's the difference between a women's track team and a group of midgets playing chess?

    The latter is a group of cunning runts.

  • What is the most popular game played by tornadoes?

    Catch my drift

  • What's the worst prank you can play on a blind person?

    Leave the plunger in the toilet

  • What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes?

    A dumb bunny.

  • How'd you get amnesia?

    4yo:.. Me:.. 4yo: I don't remember. Me: Well played..

  • Why is it so confusing to play chess with the British?

    It's only check, mate

  • What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?

    You get your wife back. Your house back. Your truck back. Your dog back...

  • How many birds can play tic-tac-toe?


  • Why did Clemson choose orange as its team color?

    So they could play football on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up garbage the rest of the week.

  • What animal is best at playing hide and seek?

    The airplane.

  • Why doesn't Michael Jackson play chess?

    Because he's dead.

  • How can you always break even at the casino?

    Play the change machines.

  • Why aren't you mowing the lawn?

    Link: It's raining Z: No it's not L: *Plays Song of Storms* Z: You're sleeping with Epona tonight

  • What do electric trains and breasts have in common?

    A: They're intended for children but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

  • Who played Gandalf in the Islamic version of Lord of the Rings?

    Syrian Mckellen

  • When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack?

    When you are playing Charades.

  • What do you call a show about puns?

    A play on words.

  • Why does Piglet stink so bad?

    Cause he always plays with Pooh.

  • Why should you never play Uno with a Mexican?

    Because they'll steal all the green cards.

  • What's your emergency Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD! Possum 911: You sure they aren't just playing?

    Possum: Oh yeah

  • Why can't Bane play baseball?

    He always breaks the bat.

  • How do you get a Criminal to stop running?

    Play the national anthem

  • What's the difference between white socks and red socks?

    Students will most likely answer the color) Then you say, "yes, that's one difference but there's another: The White Sox play in Chicago and the Red Sox play in Boston!

  • Why didn't the dog want to play football?

    It was a boxer!

  • What do they call Bro Chads in the U.K.?

    Bloke chaps. Play me off Johnny!

  • What kind of musical instrument do mice play ?

    A mouse organ !

  • When does one play a corny game?

    You play it by ear.

  • Why can't zombies play the blues?

    Just feels like they don't put their soul in to it.

  • Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

    Nobody will look for them.

  • Why can't orphans play baseball?

    They don't know where home is.

  • Why didn't the panda use a glove when playing baseball?

    Because he caught everything bear handed!

  • Why do Democrats like to play Pokemon?

    They've always enjoyed rounding up Japanese monsters.

  • Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?

    It wanted to play squash.

  • What do you call it when batman plays hooky from church?

    Christian Bale

  • Why should you never play Uno with a foreigner?

    Because they will always steal the green cards.

  • What musical instrument do people with STDs play?

    The herpsichord.

  • Why was Shakespeare always a good teammate to have?

    Because no matter the sport, he would always play write

  • What game do little cows like to play?


  • Why is Riot Fest going to be in Toronto?

    They play music, not hockey.

  • What game do you play with a wombat?


  • What do you call a bunch of black kids playing in leaves?

    Raisin bran

  • Why does Willem Dafoe play a villain in a lot of movies?

    Duh. Cause he's da foe.

  • What do you do with a wombat?

    A: You play wom with it.

  • Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

    He's always nailed to the boards....

  • How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?

    Hide the ball it drives them nuts!

  • What instrument does God play?

    He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."

  • Why couldn't the redneck kid play baseball?

    Because he fell down a stairs and his dad definitely didn't break his legs.

  • What kind of music do they play at Stonehenge?

    Hard Rock.

  • What does a barber yell when he plays hide-and-go-seek?

    Ready or not, hair I comb!

  • Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

    Because he's dead.

  • Who plays those kind of jokes anymore?

    You're scaring my wife. She's only 12, jeez.

  • What do you call it when cosine plays?


  • What do you call a Steer playing with itself?

    Beef Stroganoff

  • What does a blonde playing the drums sound like?

    Dumb chick dumb chick dumb chick...

  • What did the beach boys play at their reunion show?

    Wouldn't it be nice if we were younger.

  • What sport does the kool-aid man play?

    Baseball he's a pitcher.

  • What type of MMO's does the Taliban play?